Hacks (2021) s02e02 Episode Script

Quid Pro Quo

1 Feeling better now that we're through ♪ Feeling better 'cause I'm over you ♪ I learned my lesson, it left a scar ♪ Now I see how you really are ♪ You're no good, you're no good ♪ You're no good ♪ Baby, you're no good ♪ I'm gonna say it again ♪ You're no good, you're no good ♪ You're no good ♪ Baby, you're no good ♪ ♪ I broke apart ♪ I'm tellin' you true ♪ Is that the lyric? Someone like you ♪ I think so.
Or it should be.
Whatever you said, I loved.
You know, I actually have always thought I'd be an excellent songwriter.
You would.
You really would.
I mean You're no good, you're no good ♪ You're no good ♪ Baby, you're no good ♪ I'm gonna say it again ♪ You're no good, you're no good ♪ You're no good ♪ Baby, you're no good ♪ So sorry I keep having to pee.
I have a really small bladder.
I mean, I think.
I guess I don't know.
No, it's fine.
I love these big rest stops.
It's my favorite part of being on the road.
Oh, this is great! Ooh, ooh, you want some unsalted sunflower seeds? No.
Do you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
These are high in protein, rich in vitamin B1, and the only thing in these kind of places that isn't lard or sugar.
I'm cool I'm cool, yeah.
I'm just gonna go to I'm gonna head I'm gonna find the, um you know, I'm gonna Yeah, I'll be back.
Oh, Jesus.
- Hello.
- Hey.
So that whole plan about me staying away from Deborah, the opposite is happening.
We left Vegas last night, and now I'm trapped in a car with her, and she's being nice.
Nice? Jesus, that is fucking terrifying.
All right, look, I finally got Janet Stone to call me back, and she's agreed to have lunch tomorrow.
So I'm gonna do everything in my power to make your stupid email go away, okay? Just sit tight.
Okay, when you have an update, call me.
I'm Daniel.
Hi, Daniel.
You're famous, right? Apparently not.
Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, yeah.
You're the funny lady.
Oh, my God.
Um - Deborah Vance.
- Yes! I'm your biggest fan.
What the heck are you doing here? Well, actually, I'm doing a drop-in set at The Main in Flagstaff tonight.
- Are you coming to see it? - Oh, no.
I'm headed the other direction.
I'm going to help my brother inseminate his horses.
Sounds like fun.
- Can I get a picture? - Absolutely.
Here we go.
Oh, God, not down there.
What are you, a sadist? - There we go.
- Oh, okay.
Gas station sunglasses? Don't be a snob.
It's not about the label.
It's about the fit.
See, now, like, I have a classic heart-shaped face.
So I want to mimic that with glasses that are kind of wider at the top and a little bit narrower at the bottom, like mm, these.
- Okay, wow, yeah.
- Right? Now, you, on the other hand, have a more oval face.
Kind of like a Jordan almond.
So you need to contrast that with something more angular.
Like, um oh, here, try these.
- Wow.
- Huh? Very cute.
Keep 'em.
They're yours.
My treat.
Oh, that's nice you don't have to do that.
They're $4.
Okay, thank you.
You're welcome.
You bought a reusable cup? Yeah, well, you know, it offsets my private jet.
- Morning.
- Good morning, Jimmy.
Well, lucky you.
Last two assistants got promoted off this desk.
Big whoop.
Who cares? Kayla, I think this is good for both of us, you know? You're giving me a migraine.
What? I mean, Latitude.
Have a good day.
I won't.
- Mm-hmm.
- Morning, Silas.
Good morning, Mr.
Oh, you can call me Jimmy.
So I got you a table for your lunch with Janet Stone at Superba.
I read in "The Hollywood Reporter's" Power Lunch List that she loves their Little Gem Caesar salad.
Kayla said they were fully booked.
They are, but I bartered with Michael's assistant to get a standing reservation.
I have to cover his desk for a couple days next month, but it's no problem.
Thank you so much.
Also, I heard a ding on your end when we were on the phone this morning, and so I called Audi and they think it's the check engine indicator light.
So I've arranged for them to come pick it up here tomorrow morning, and it'll be done by EOD.
They can send a loaner, or I'd be happy to drive you to your lunch.
- You heard a ding? - Yes.
- And then you called Audi? - Yes.
You preemptively called Audi for me? - Yes.
- Oh, you know what? I would love a ride.
I look forward to it Jimmy.
Yeah, yeah.
Your own sister.
Sleeping with your husband.
Someone so close to you.
Someone you trust.
Betrayal is the worst feeling in the world.
And I've woken up during a colonoscopy.
We bust our asses for 10%.
We should get 90 and give the clients 10.
So like I was saying before, that email being used for the show would be very bad for both of my clients.
Come on.
You know how these things work.
It'll be months before that show comes out, and even then, Deborah would have to see it and think it's about her.
Don't worry.
I think she thinks most things are about her.
Ha! Look, I really wouldn't ask if it wasn't really, really important to me and my mental and physical health.
Jimmy, I like you.
All right, I'll talk to Daisy and Jesse, scare 'em with some libel law shit.
I'll make sure that it's not at all traceable to Deborah or the kid.
Ah, thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I really I owe you big time.
My pleasure.
Oh, I just have water.
It's bad luck.
Come on.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
I don't usually drink at lunch, but I finally closed on my house this morning.
Oh, that's great.
I mean, the housing market is insane in LA.
I've been looking forever, actually.
I made one offer, but the house turned out to be a nightmare, so I had to bail.
Oh, where was it? The Oaks.
I'm in the Oaks.
Oh, yeah? Wow.
What street? Oh, shoot.
You know what? There are so many streets up there, right? So many Oaks, so crissy-crossy.
Are you Essex Trust? Nope.
How's your salad? Mine is good.
- Mine is really good.
- Oh, my God.
You're the fucking mold guy who pulled out at the eleventh hour.
Hold on, let me just explain.
I had to disclose that fucking inspection to every buyer.
You made my house toxic! Well, technically it was because of the black mold.
I lost $1/2 million on that house because of you being a little mold bitch! Well, if I want to have a family, it wouldn't be safe for the baby.
Think about the baby.
Think about it from the baby's perspective.
You're not even married, you freak! I could do it on my own.
You know what? I'm going to make sure that they use every single detail from that email.
- No, please, no, Janet - Actually, why wait? I'm sure the TMZ would love to get their hands on it today.
Okay, look, I apologize.
- Oh, excuse me.
- I didn't know it was you.
I gotta get back to the office.
- I got some calls to make.
- No, no, no, no.
You don't need to make any calls.
Janet, I'll buy it.
I'll buy it.
I'll buy it for 500 over.
Whatever you whatever the contract is now, I'll be the backup offer.
Please, Janet.
I'm so sorry.
Janet? Move! Bad.
Want to get a coffee? Try to fix that free range chicken joke? I mean, it did okay last night, but No, no, we're going to see my psychic.
That's the whole reason we're in Sedona.
Wait, the one who stole from you? Oh, Zephyr? No.
God no, that son of a bitch.
Joke's on him, though.
He drowned.
How is that a joke? I'm laughing.
Oh, my God.
I cannot believe you walked in here today.
Look at this.
Look at this.
I just sold my Cisco stock today, and now you're here? Is that wild, or is that wild? By the way, my return? - 258%.
- Yes.
Thank God you told me to buy it.
- I'm psychic.
- Me too.
So what do you think of crypto? No, I like to stay fad-free in my portfolio.
Are you into renewables? Renewables.
Look, I gotta write this shit down.
Come on, come on.
Come in.
Uh, don't trip over the extension cords.
Is this insider trading? No.
But you've seen me do that before.
Not great, Jimmy Jr.
Not great.
I know.
I tried to handle it myself, obviously, and I hate to bother you with this.
It's just I don't know.
I don't know what else to do.
You know, Janet has been all over me to attach one of my directors to her client's movie.
Oh, yeah? If he does, it's a guaranteed green light.
Do you think you could use that? Come on.
This entire business is built on quid pro quo.
If Janet wants my client believe me, she does then she will have to make this email just Disappear.
Oh, Michael, that would be incredible.
It would.
You know what else is quid pro quo, Jimmy? - Hmm? - Mm Marriage.
My wife, oy, she's a worrier.
And she's worried sick about Kayla.
Now, see, our little girl hasn't been the same since she was moved off your desk.
And my wife loves her daughter.
She has been nothing but an angel since the day she was born.
- Really sweet - Mm-hmm.
Cool, cool person.
See, here's the issue.
My wife and I have a trip planned to Mallorca.
But worrying about Kayla is affecting my wife's mood.
And the timing of that is bad 'cause, Jimmy, I want a blow job in Mallorca.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
That sounds like a great setting for that.
But that's not happening if Kayla's upset.
So I help you make an email disappear.
You help me get my balls drained.
Well, ball.
You know, I'm a survivor.
What do you say, Jimmy? Jimmy LuSaque Jr.
's office.
I'm back.
Oh, well, you know how he is.
He's sensitive.
I love him, though.
All right.
All right, girlfriend, I'll send you through.
Jimmy, your mom's on.
Jimmy! Hey, Mom.
Um I'm having a bad day.
You stay on my mind ♪ Think about you all the time ♪ Got to get to know you well ♪ No, Mom, no, I don't really want to talk about it.
How are you? Fascinating.
Ah, Death card.
My God.
Oh, it could mean death, but it doesn't literally just mean death.
It could mean rebirth.
A transformation for the better.
That makes sense I mean, the show's totally new to me.
Whoomp, there it is.
Ah, the Ace of Pentacles.
Financial prosperity, baby.
I see a new success on the QVC.
Mm, I doubt it.
I mean, I'm kind of pulling back from that.
I'm not launching anything new this year.
I'm just telling you what I see.
The Tower.
What, this one is worse than the Death card? It's a cosmic wrecking ball.
Deborah a truth is about to be revealed to you.
And it is disastrous.
Well, you could be wrong, though, right? 'Cause, you know, you were wrong about the QVC thing, so Cards don't lie.
Seems like, how could you know, though? Did you shuffle good? Would you stop it? It's fine.
It's better to know.
This way, I can, you know, be on the lookout.
Okay, red.
You ready for a reading? Me? No.
Me? No.
Me? No.
No, I'm good.
I'm a science girl, so I'm cool.
Come on, at least let me snap a pic of your aura real quick.
- On the house? - Thank you.
Not interested.
Oh, come on.
Have a little fun, would ya? All right.
Don't worry.
Here we go.
Now I do, do-do, do-do, do-do this and I do this and we put this in here.
Pure blue.
Means you're honest and have clarity in communication.
That's true.
This girl's honest to a fault.
She's always trying to get me to be more honest, which, honestly, is exhausting.
This morning, she told me that she was a four on the Bristol Stool Chart.
And trust me, I didn't ask.
Ugh, I'd kill to be a four.
I have trouble.
- Enjoy it while you're young.
- Mm.
Here you go, Little Miss Honesty.
Let me see.
It's a good aura.
- So if you're in renewables - Mm-hmm? Does that mean you're out on oil? Oh, God no.
I'm always in oil.
Mm, these are pretty.
Good stocking stuffers.
It says, "Give to a loving friend".
Gonna get me one? Um, Deborah, I have to tell you something.
Oh, please, if it's more about the Bristol Stool Chart, I've heard enough.
What I'm about to say might upset you, but I think it's better for our relationship if I tell you.
Okay, what is? After our fight, I got drunk and took Xanax and I sent a very stupid email to those showrunners that I met with in LA.
I said some unkind things about you that I don't even believe because I was hurt and angry, and I'm sorry.
You did what? I said some pretty revealing stuff about you that you probably wouldn't want made public, and I'm trying to get them to not use it in their show, but I think that they are because they they told me they are.
But it might not even go to series.
Who's starring in it? Um Helen Mirren.
Of course it's going to series! You ungrateful bitch! - Oh! - Deborah, I'm so sorry! Oh, too late! - Hey, calm down! - Don't tell me to calm down! You said you wouldn't hit people! I won't if you move fast enough! - Not the tourmaline! - I'll buy what I break! You Hey.
So I am officially the manager of the century.
I took one for the team, and the email's taken care of.
She's never gonna find out.
I just told her.
I'm sorry.
It sounded like you said you just told her.
I did.
Oh, my God, Ava.
Why? Why? I know, but even if I had known, I had to be honest.
I hope you didn't go through too much trouble.
Jimmy! Can I go? I gotta go buy towels.
'Cause I need a new set.
I definitely did.
And I know she's gonna fire me, and you'll have to drop me and I'm really sorry, for this and everything I put you through.
Oh, God.
Well, listen, you know, I just gotta say Um, Jimmy, I gotta call you back.
Hungry? I have good news, actually.
That, uh, email, it's not gonna be used in their new show.
Jimmy took care of it.
Can I get you gals anything else? Just the bill, please.
Separate checks.
Read it to me.
Oh, no, no.
Please don't I'm telling you to read it to me.
The entire thing.
"Hey, y'all.
Parentheses, trying not to use the gendered term 'you guys' anymore even though it honestly sounds neutral to me, end parentheses.
First of all, I'm so sorry about how our meeting ended the other day.
I fucking suck at first impressions.
I just wanted to follow up on our convo.
I actually think Deborah Vance is the perfect comp for your horrible boss character in 'Bitch PM.
'" Their show is about a prime minister.
Who is a bitch.
Yeah, got that.
"Anyway, here are some stories you could probably use about someone who treats people like shit and has no remorse about it at all.
She once asked me to perjure myself for her in traffic court.
Most days, the first words out of her mouth when she sees me are, 'Not flattering.
' Once when I was having an asthma attack, she said, 'Do you have to do that in here?' She once refused an employee maternity leave because she thought the baby was ugly and said, 'Why would she want to be at home with that thing?' She has a terrible relationship with her junkie daughter who sells photos of Deborah to the tabloids looking like shit because they sell better if she looks like she's dying.
What's even sicker is that Deborah knows about it and lets it happen.
Their relationship could be repaired if Deborah would just tell her she's proud of her, but she won't even do that.
Even though she's clearly the reason she's so fucked up in the first place.
" Please don't make me keep reading this.
"The truth is, Deborah Vance is a bully.
And the worst kind.
One who thinks she's the victim.
Every person in her life is on her payroll and would never be around her if their livelihoods didn't depend on it.
Myself included.
It's her own fault she's so lonely.
Though she's too selfish to ever admit it, I think that's why she needs her adoring fans.
Because no one in her life actually loves her.
" Deborah, that's not true.
- I don't believe - Thanks, ladies.
Have a great night.
You can pay for mine.
You know, you're good at writing for me.
And I thought it was because you understood me.
But it's because you're just like me.
You're as selfish and cruel as I am.
Hey, Barbara.
So I have some horrific news.
Kayla is back on my desk.
I really appreciate the idea, but we can just drop that whole anger management thing.
Oof, I can't do that.
It's already in your file, and once it's in your file, it's in your file.
You can't take it out of the file? Physically, I can't take it out of your file, and if I tried to, then that would go in my file.
Okay, but I don't have anger issues.
It's only a 52-week course.
52 weeks? That's a whole year, Barbara.
It's actually a little bit longer, because they don't meet the weeks of Christmas and Hanukkah and Halloween.
They don't meet the week of Halloween? Yeah, Joyce, the woman who runs it, is really into Halloween, and she throws a great party every year, but you have to come in costume.
Hold on, are you friends with this person? Not anymore, because I came one year not in costume and she got really mad at me.
So the anger management course woman got mad? Well, you know, it's like, those who can't do, teach.
This sounds like a 52-week fucking scam, Barbara.
Okay, calm down.
You know, I actually think this course might be good for you.
If I were you, I would go to that Halloween party though.
She goes all out.
Just make sure you go in costume, and take it from me, cat ears don't count.
Hi, can I get a cab to the Safari Inn? Well, are you gonna get in the car, or are you just gonna stand there staring? Uh, cancel that, actually.
Oh, I got you a coffee.
Uh, thanks.
It's not poisoned.
Look I slept on it, and I'm just gonna move on.
Let it go.
- Really? - Yes.
I mean, you're a good writer, and I need you on this tour.
If I held a grudge against every person who ever wronged me, I'd have gray hair.
Thank you so much.
And again, I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna be better.
I'm gonna stop doing shit that makes me impulsive, like drinking and taking pills, and I'm gonna get a dumb phone so I can't even use social media or email anyone.
And I'm gonna get one of those giant water bottles and only consume water.
I promise I'm gonna be better, Deborah.
Whatever you need to do.
Okay, great.
Thank you.
Oh, I think you should take it.
Oh, okay.
- Hey, Jimmy.
- Hey there.
So I regret to inform you that Deborah is suing you for violating your NDA.
Wait, what? You're suing me? Oh, I can't discuss details of the case.
Is this real? - Yes.
- Yes.
Thick document.
Real big.
What? Haven't you ever been in litigation before? It'll be a good learning experience for you.
Expensive one too.

Previous Episode