Hamish Macbeth (1995) s01e04 Episode Script

West Coast Story

(upbeat music)
- Just getting our for awhile Wee Jock,
I may be some time.
(dog barking)
- You'd better go straight in.
He's waiting for you.
- [Cameron] Come in.
It's not entirely satisfactory, is it?
- No.
- [Cameron] Some people think
that the world turns on credit.
You would appear to agree
with the, Constable.
- Well, I don't know.
- I don't subscribe to that notion.
Thrift, thrift,
it's a virtue that
preserves purity of thought,
keeps us from sinful avenues.
You could say
it brings us closer to God.
Would you agree, Constable Macbeth?
- Well, I suppose.
I don't know, my.
- And yet
you seem to have lost that virtue.
- Well I had a few unforeseen expenses.
- Indeed you have.
This very day,
a check for 340 pounds
presented by McKale Pines Wholesale Whisky
and Spirits Limited, Inverness.
- Special bulk buy bargain offer.
- It's a bargain with the
devil, that's what it is.
The check has been returned unpaid.
You've got a month
to find the 1,356 pounds you owe this bank
before we commence proceedings.
You can hand in your
cash cad on the way out.
- How am I gonna eat?
- It's a wicked, sinful
world we live in P.C. Macbeth
and we are both put here by the law
to turn folk away from error,
no matter how painful that redemption is.
- [Hamish] Hey Jimmy.
- Oh, morning, Hamish.
- Mr. Suitor, I'm ready for you now.
- It's all right, son,
I'll take care of this.
- So there we were,
oh 63 p please.
So it's the big fight,
big doggy gets his knife,
that's waving it in front of Bobby's face.
- There's 55.
- Before anyone can stop him,
he steps up to Bob,
slips on the floorboard and wham,
in goes the blade right up to the helt.
It was an awful sight.
The blood was sputting
out of Bobby in a jet,
great big gobs of it.
I tell you, it was terrible.
- 63 pence.
There you go.
See you later, Rory.
- Hey, hey,
you've not listened to a word I've said.
I'm just after telling you
how Bobby Galaspy was stabbed.
- Bobby Galaspy?
- Last night
at the rehearsal.
- Oh right.
- It was a terrible accident.
God alone knows how we're gonna replace
a singer of Bobby's caliber
with only three weeks to go.
- Yeah well
- Hey, you've given me Spanish money.
- Could you let me off a bit Rory?
The bank manager stopped
my cash point card.
- Never.
- Wee Jock's sitting out in the car
and he's starving.
- Oh for goodness sake,
state of the world.
Letting a wee dog starve like that.
- That's very kind of
you, Rory, very kind.
Kind of hungry myself.
- Help yourself.
Pay me when you can.
- I really appreciate this Rory.
Anything I can do for you, anything.
- Ugh, wished.
Hey Hamish, there might
be just a wee something.
When you're a jet ♪
You're the top cat in town ♪
You're a gold metal cat
with a heavy weight crown ♪
When you're a jet ♪
You're the swing of the sting ♪
Little boy, you're a man ♪
Little man, you're a king ♪
The jets are in gear ♪
Our cylinders are kicking ♪
The sharks stay clear ♪
'Cause every part of
weekend's a lousy chicken ♪
Here come the Jets
like a bat out of hell ♪
Someone gets in our way ♪
Someone don't feel so well ♪
Here come the Jets
with a whirl and a sigh ♪
Better go on the ground ♪
Better run, better hide ♪
We're drawing a line ♪
So keep your noses hidden ♪
We're hanging a sign ♪
See this is just the bidding ♪
And we ain't kidding ♪
Here come the Jets, yeah ♪
Here come the beats ♪
Every last fucking guy on
the whole bugging streets ♪
On the whole bugging
ever loving streets ♪
Yeah ♪
- [Rory] Nice little right
hand hook there Esme.
- [Esme] Thank you, Rory.
- I can appreciate a
woman with supple hands.
- Good, good, all of you.
Hamish, not bad for a first try.
- Let me get this straight,
there's two gangs, right,
the Jets and the Sharks
and they're always like
fighting, stabbing one another?
But in between, they feel
better singing and dancing?
- That's it.
- Uh huh.
And like these are the Jets
who are like a band of
savage teenage thugs?
- Do you have a problem with that, Hamish?
- Well I mean come on,
you've got it, mate.
No, no, where's the Sharks?
- We do them as well.
- So what happens when the
Jets and the Sharks meet up?
- It's surprising
with a bit of subtle reworking
how seldom they have to meet.
- How 'bout when they do?
- We spread out.
- Sorry Isobel, I had to work.
- Well, you're cutting it fine.
We're just about to do your scene.
- Sorry.
Evening, Hamish.
- [Hamish] All right, Jimmy.
- Scene 21 please.
- Is that Phyllis Dix,
bank manager's daughter?
- It is.
Okay Rory, roll it.
- I didn't know you and Jimmy could act.
- Oh there's not much acting about it.
Watch this.
Only you ♪
You're the only thing I'll see forever ♪
In my eyes, in my words ♪
And in everything I do ♪
Nothing else but you ever ♪
- Does her father know she's doing this?
- How should I know?
- What's the matter with you?
Just saying I don't think
her father would approve
of the way she's handling young Jimmy.
- Well, that's what West Side
Story's all about, Hamish,
forbidden starcrossed love.
All the world is only you and me ♪
Tonight, tonight, it all began tonight ♪
I saw you and the world went away ♪
Tonight, tonight,
there's only you tonight ♪
What you are, what
you do, what you say ♪
Today, oh day I had that feeling ♪
A miracle would happen ♪
I know now I was right ♪
For he and I ♪
And what was just a world ♪
(ominous music)
(gentle music)
He gives and when he takes away ♪
He takes but what he gave ♪
But here you are ♪
And what was just a
world is a star tonight ♪
(clears throat)
- Jimmy, Phyllis, that was great.
- Sorry.
Do it again?
- No, that won't be necessary.
Some of these men'll need hospitalization
if they have to witness unbridled
lust twice in one night.
Come on now, there's work to be done.
- [Hamish] I'm telling you,
I didn't know you had it in you Jimmy son.
- Just a wee bit, you know.
- Is your dad okay?
- How?
- Didn't look himself in
the bank this morning.
- It's nothing we can't handle.
Are you coming?
See ya.
- See ya.
Tell me, you wouldn't happen to know
if there's anything wrong with
Jimmy's father, would you?
- Well, that would be
confidential of course.
- Well yeah of course, yeah.
- It's a hard life keeping
sheep on these hills,
solitude, financial crisis, drink,
it could all conspire to break a man,
hypothetically speaking, of course.
- Course.
A man might need a wee bit of help
even if he was too proud to ask.
- Hypothetically, ay.
- Step, step, kick, hey.
Step, step, kick, hey.
Hamish, look at this.
Step, step, step, kick, nobody.
Easy does it ♪
- Hey the drinks are on me!
- Hot dog!
- It is amazing the
strange magic of theater
that leads grown men to make
complete tits of themselves.
- Absolutely.
(ominous music)
- What was Mr. Macbeth
saying about your dad?
- Well my dad's just since my mom died,
he's not been right.
Everything's kind of, I don't know,
- Was my father sympathetic at the bank?
- Not very.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
We'll cope.
- Oh my hands are cold.
Yours too.
- You're not kidding around here?
- I haven't yet learned
how to joke that way.
I don't think I ever will.
- Get your hands off her.
- Kenneth!
- [Kenneth] Stay away from my sister.
There's only one thing he wants from you.
- Kenneth, just mind your own business.
- How can I?
You'll end up cast from
the sight of the Lord.
You'll be nothing but
a visitor of clinics.
- Kenneth, shut up and get lost.
- No.
You've been missing meetings
of the Good News Fellowship for weeks.
Does father know what
you've been doing instead?
- Look, Kenneth, don't tell.
It's just a musical, it's harmless.
- Well, we'll have to
see about that, won't we?
- Jesus, he's (mumbles), Kenneth.
- Yes.
I think it's his hormones.
- Well, I know how he feels.
At least I didn't get God, just plukes.
- I don't care.
Come here.
- Well it's a night made
for loving, Jocky boy.
But my woman doesn't want me.
not even want three cases
of the finest malt whisky in the land.
- Hamish.
- [Hamish] Isobel.
- You forgot your script.
(ominous music)
- [Bank Manager] Grace.
What do you have to tell me daughter?
- Dad.
- You have been missing
your church meetings
to attend rehearsals of an entertainment
which I am told involves
dancing in public.
- I
- And now Kenneth says he's found you
compromising your dignity
with a village boy.
Who is he?
- [Kenneth] Jimmy Suitor.
- [Bank Manager] Duncan Suitor's boy?
- That's correct, father.
He was all over her,
hands everywhere.
- Enough.
His father's an idle waster
who cannot live within his means.
- That's not true.
- I'll not let you taint
the memory of your mother
with such want and foolishness.
You're not to see him again,
you hear me girl?
- [Kenneth] Good night, father.
- Good night.
You did right to ring this to me, Kenneth.
Your mother would have approved.
- I wish I'd known her.
- She was a fine upstanding woman, son,
unlike some you'll find.
On you go.
Fine woman.
- Shouldn't really be drinking this stuff.
That bank manager bounced my check.
I'm in debt up to my ears.
- What are you going to do?
- I don't know.
Maybe run away to the rinks.
- No, you don't want to do that.
You'd be missed.
- Will I?
- Yeah.
- What?
- Hamish!
Hamish, are you all right?
- For god's sake, what is it?
- I sensed something,
some sort of karmic surge
coming out of your house,
something going down.
I thought you might be
in some kind of trouble.
- Does it look like I'm in trouble?
- Well you can't be too careful.
You've opened a bottle then?
- Ugh, sit down, I'll get you a glass.
- [Johnny] Isobel.
- Hello?
Hi Jimmy.
- Hey.
- How you doing?
- Good.
- I was wondering if I could
have a word with your father?
- Sure.
Listen, you better come in.
- Duncan.
Come on, Duncan, you need
to get a move on, man.
It's 11 o'clock already.
- There's no point.
- There's every point.
Come on, the world's not
such a terrible place.
There's young Jimmy,
he's the toast of the village
and he'll be singing.
Have a romance with youngest
Dix as well, I hear.
- What?
Not the Dix girl.
- Dad.
- Are you trying to shame me, boy?
I told you to stay away from her.
Her father's intent to
drive me out of business
and you run around with
his girl behind my back.
- Duncan.
- You keep away from that girl.
For god's sake, what are
you trying to do to me boy?
God's sakes.
- Duncan,
he's just a boy, Duncan.
- I can hear the seal calls from here.
- The who?
- The seal folk, the singers.
Mary's down there.
- Mary's been dead for seven years.
- No, no, no she's down
there calling for Jimmy.
She went back to the seal folk
and now she wants him as well.
They come back for their own, you see?
- Duncan.
Look, the guy has cashed in
his marbles, it's obvious.
- Maybe ay, maybe no.
- You're not saying you believe him?
- I'm not saying I believe him,
not saying I don't believe him.
- Well thank you, Paddy Ashton.
You're saying to me
that you believe that this guy's wife
has turned into a seal?
- A thing doesn't actually need to happen
for it to be real.
- He's a break, John.
- Duncan's suffering from love sickness
and he's not the only one.
- What?
- There's a seal key calling
for you as well, Macbeth.
- I'm warning you.
- But you're looking on the wrong beach.
- I'm off.
And John, John, stop
polishing the fax machine.
Make of our hands one hand ♪
Make of our hearts one heart ♪
Make of our vows one last vow ♪
Only death will part us now ♪
Make of our lives one life ♪
Day after day one life ♪
Now it begins, now we start ♪
One hand, one heart ♪
Even death won't part us now ♪
- Seize this sinful spectacle.
Put my daughter down, boy.
- Excuse me, Mr. Dix, but you're
interrupting our rehearsal.
- This rehearsal is over.
Under the standing orders of
the church hall subcommittee,
any lewd or licentious use
is barred at the
discretion of the chairman
of the said subcommittee.
- And who is the chairman?
- I am.
Phyllis, home.
- It's scandalous,
two months hard work down the drain.
- Oh, it's just our luck
to have a religious maniac
on our patch.
- There's nothing to do.
We'll have to all the production off.
- We can't give up as easy as that.
If Carmen and Dix want
to what is it, rumble,
then I say we rumble.
What do you say?
- Well I say go go.
- I say mix.
- I say boomba boomba.
- Wacko dacko.
- I applaud the sentiment,
ladies and gentlemen,
but what can we do?
Dix is well in with the minister.
- Discredit him.
- [Male] Discredit him?
- Mmhmm.
- You need to have done
something to be discredited.
The pope has more form than Cameron Dix.
- Oh come on.
If we can't find any dirt on him,
we just have to make it up.
- Always the consummate police
professional, eh, Hamish?
- There's guilt tugging
at the heart of that man.
I can see it.
You mark what I'm saying,
he's got a past.
- [Hamish] I hate to say
it, but he's seldom wrong.
- Hey, I've just remembered something,
something a mate of mine told me once.
- [Male] What?
- Do you know I never gave it one thought?
- Come on, what?
- Hey, hang on.
Hi, Zoot boy, hi.
Yes, it's Lachlan McCrae here.
Ay, that Lachlan.
Yes, so how's sunny in Inverness then?
You southerners get all
the good weather, eh?
Yes, I was wondering
did you tell me once
that you knew Cameron
Dix back in the '60s?
Yes, that was great days
in Loch Deaux as well?
(upbeat Scottish music)
- Zoot.
- Zoot ay ay.
- Who is he?
- Well he used to be a old
customer of mine, you know?
And he was a leading light
in the bohemian catfish
society in Inverness.
- I never knew they had
bohemians in Inverness.
- This was in 1967, man,
you know mini skirts, music, free love.
- Sometimes I think I've
wasted my entire life.
- I'm afraid the bank
can't do anything more
for you, Mr. Suitor.
If you can't meet your
commitments in five days,
we'll be commencing repossession.
- My farm?
You'd put me out?
That was the agreement.
- There nothing,
is there nothing I can do?
- If you can't keep
your son off of my girl,
I'll keep you out of my town.
- What?
- So I think that concludes
the interview, Mr. Suitor.
Thank you very much for coming in.
Good morning.
- Ay, it's some place
you've got here, Zoot boy.
- Kind of freaky, ain't it lads?
- It is.
- Very nice.
- You should be here
for one of our nature communion weekends.
It's like a sex machine.
- Ah, sounds cracking boy.
Zoot, didn't you tell me
that you knew Cameron Dix, didn't you
- Know him?
I was his best man.
- Really?
- Oh, one of the swingingest gigs ever.
We stained ourselves, we blew wood,
we hailed the sun as it
rose out of deng wall
and flung ourselves naked
in the Caldonian canal.
- This can't be the same Cameron Dix.
- Yeah, it was.
He ran off with a poor
sergeant in the end,
good Cameron never even
got his car keys back.
It was right about then
he signed himself up
with the Godswood.
Definitely not my scene lad, you dig?
- [Hamish] I thought his wife was dead?
- No, no, no, come here.
This is in '67.
Give you a whole new meaning
to the term pleasure
beach, I can tell you.
This is Effie.
(sexy music)
She's only had summer
shop with work these days.
- Oh.
- My God.
- I wonder Zoot,
do you think you could
give us a loan of that
for a couple days in wick?
- Ay, busy?
- No, it's Cameron's been creating
a few negative vibes in
the village, you know,
upsetting folk unnecessary
but I think if he was
to see these photographs
he might change his ways,
do you know what I mean?
- Oh I see.
Would you's be interested
in the film I shot
at the Near and Free Love Festival in '69?
My God, what a gig that was.
Didn't hear a stich on for a fortnight.
Ay, we all know when we get old,
Donkey Dix, his nickname.
- Donkey?
- Oh God, I've never seen nothing like it.
- Oh, well I suppose we
could take a wee look.
Couldn't we?
See you later.
- See you.
- [Jimmy] Hamish.
- [Hamish] Jimmy.
- Hamish, you need to come.
It's dad.
He's off his head.
- Come on in.
Alright Jimmy, you just
try and get some sleep
and you can go back in the
morning when he's calm.
- He's going to lose the farm
and it's all because of me.
- It's not your fault.
- He's smashing the place up.
I tried to stop him
but he just went for me.
- Jimmy, I'll take care of you, okay?
(ominous music)
(sheep baaing)
- You get your hands off her.
You just keep off.
- [Hamish] Duncan, take it easy.
Duncan, you all right, you all right?
- Hamish.
I can't stand it.
I'm losing it Hamish, I'm losing it all.
- All right, all right.
- You've got a customer, Hamish.
- Mr. Dix,
something I can do for you?
Perhaps you heard there's
someone enjoying themselves
and you want me to lock them up.
- You would be better advised
not to take that satirical
tone with me, Macbeth.
I want Jimmy Suitor found and arrested.
- For what?
- For taking my girl against my will.
She went out last night and didn't return.
I want them found.
- Well your girl wasn't
with Jimmy last night.
- You know that for a fact?
- I do.
Jimmy still in the cells John?
- Ay, but it's not that simple.
- Right, Mr. Dix, this way.
- Hamish, I don't think
this is a good idea.
- You want proof that
Jimmy was alone last night?
Right behind this door.
- Hamish.
- I very much regret this course of action
but in this event repossession proceedings
are being brought forward
and will commence immediately.
Yours, et cetera, et cetera.
Right Janice, get that off to Suitor.
- Yes, Mr. Dix.
- Uh, take another.
To Police Complaints Inverness,
Dear Sir,
I wish to report the use of a
police station as a brothel.
- You're ruining everything.
- Thank you, Janice, we'll do this later.
I won't have you
associating with that boy.
- You can't stop me.
- Well, we'll have to see.
You might find that he's
moving out of the district.
His father's gone bankrupt.
- Yes, you made sure of that, didn't you?
- Phyllis, I'm trying
to do my duty by you.
- I hate you.
- Wait, Phyllis, come back here.
- I never realized what a
wonderful sport volleyball was.
Here come the Jets ♪
Like a bat out of hell ♪
Someone gets in their way ♪
Someone don't feel so well ♪
(ominous music)
- Gentlemen, I give you a toast, revenge.
- [All] Revenge.
- Apparently his wife isn't even dead,
he just pretended she was.
Even his children don't know.
When this gets out,
he's finished in this place.
- Ay, the man's been living a lie.
And now he's going to pay.
- [Male] Hamish.
- [Hamish] Phyllis.
- I came to,
I thought Jimmy was still here.
- Better go after her.
(throwing up)
Phyllis, I'm really sorry
you had to witness that.
I don't know what we were thinking.
- How could he?
All these years thinking she was dead.
- Well I don't know,
I mean, maybe he felt he
had to make up a story
to help him cope with the loss.
People do that all the time.
- This'll kill Kenneth,
he thought my mother was a saint.
- I'm really sorry.
why don't you and me
put our heads together
and see if we can do
something great for a change?
Come on.
- Brought the post down from the road.
Right then.
- Jimmy, don't go son.
I can't manage.
- I've got to get out.
- What's that?
- That's your holiday shots from Nairn.
- What are you talking about?
I haven't been to Nairn for
- Why didn't you tell
me my mother was alive?
- Phyllis
- Morning father.
Blessed fruit, oh Lord.
May your fruit strengthen our will
against the forces of sin.
- Amen.
- Sorry father, I'm late for school,
got to dash.
- Your mother didn't want you.
I had to find a way of
making things right.
- Kenneth thinks she was next to God.
She wasn't.
- You mustn't tell him.
I don't want him hurt.
- You're gonna let
Jimmy's dad keep his farm.
Otherwise, I'm leaving.
And Kenneth gets the whole story.
- You can't.
Phyllis, don't leave.
- It's up to you.
- Damn you Effie.
Damn you.
(ominous music)
- That was Cameron Dix's car.
- Better get after him.
- Suitor!
Mr. Suitor!
(ominous music)
Mr. Suitor!
Don't do it, no!
Mr. Suitor!
- Dad!
(gunshot fires)
- Suitor.
- It's okay, it's okay,
it's done, it's okay.
(dramatic music)
- Kenneth.
- Father.
Boy, boy, crazy boy ♪
Get cool boy ♪
Got a rocket in your pocket ♪
Keep cooly cool, boy ♪
Don't get hot ♪
'Cause man you've got
some hard times ahead ♪
Take it slow ♪
And daddy oh ♪
You can live it up in Dahi Bay ♪
Boy, boy, crazy boy ♪
Stay loose boy ♪
Race it, buzz it, easy does it ♪
Turn off the juice, boy ♪
Go ahead go ♪
But not like a yo-yo school boy ♪
- Good night.
- Night.
- [Female] Tony, when you
come use the back door.
- [Jimmy] Si.
- [Female] Oh Tony,
what does Tony stand for?
- [Jimmy] Anton.
- [Female] (speaking in
foreign language) Anton.
(speaking in foreign language)
Goodnight goodnight ♪
Sleep well and when you dream ♪
Dream of me ♪
Tonight ♪
(upbeat guitar music)
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