Hamish Macbeth (1995) s02e05 Episode Script

No Man Is an Island

So, this is my island.
What do you think of it?
There's nobody else here?
There was a base on the island
during the war. Radar or something.
Now there's just the sea,
the sand, the birds
And us.
Still, it's a long way to come
just to teach me how to sail.
You really think
that's why I brought you here?
Are you thick or what, Hamish Macbeth?
Well, it's dinner time.
Come and get it.
Oh, I do like to be
beside the seaside
Oh, I do like to be beside the sea
Oh, I do like to stroll along
the prom, prom, prom
Hear the brass band play,
So just let me be beside the seaside
I will be beside myself with glee
And there's lots of girls beside
I should like to be beside
Beside the seaside ♪
This is terrible. Terrible!
What is, Douglas?
- Or do you prefer Dougie?
- I prefer Constable, Mr McIver.
There's no crime. This man Macbeth has
barely made an arrest since he got here.
They've sent me to a place with no crime.
It is only for the month, Constable.
Until Macbeth gets back.
He will be coming back?
What did you say was wrong with him?
- Depression. Brought on by
- Surprise, surprise, Mr McIver.
What's a crime-fighter supposed to do in
a place with no crime but get depressed?
No disrespect to Macbeth but there has
to be crime in that street and I'll find it.
Oh, God.
- What?
- I said, "Thank God," Constable Duggan.
When Macbeth
started to crack, I began to worry.
Could I hope to find
another one like him? I feared not.
I feared the worst.
But then you walked through that door.
A man parched with the thirst for justice.
A man I could work on with!
A man I could work with,
just like I worked with Macbeth.
You're right, there is crime here.
And Macbeth about broke himself in two
trying to find it.
You forget about Chicago.
And Detroit, and Philly.
This is the crime capital of the world.
- Here?
- Relatively speaking, I mean.
- Crimes per head of population.
- Here?
You go and unpack your bags
and I'll work youse up a strategy.
But remember one thing.
This is not going to be easy.
Please, come no further.
Do you have a radio?
On your boat?
Er, my boat caught fire. It sank.
I heard you singing from up there.
Well, er I hope I didn't sound too bad.
It's difficult to whistle in the dark when
there's no dark so I thought I'd sing.
What's your name?
It's Macbeth. Hamish.
I'm Belle Carter, Mr Macbeth.
Can you see what's under my left foot?
- Yeah, it's a rock.
It's a land mine, Mr Macbeth.
- I've walked here half a dozen times
- No, please.
For God's sake.
It's a relic from the war.
There was a radar station here.
Yeah, I know.
I guess when they swept the beach,
this one got away.
Probably been unearthed by storms.
If it'd been live it would have went off,
blown up.
It's been here for over half a century.
Who's to say what it'll do?
Especially if I take my foot off it.
Och, how are you feeling? Are you OK?
I've been here about two hours.
My back hurts
and I'm getting numbness in my legs.
And the birds keep shitting on me.
I hired a boatman from the mainland
to drop me off.
He's due back in three days.
Mr Macbeth, you should get
to a safe distance.
- Have you got a camp?
- A tent.
Back along the shore.
Right, I'll go and bring back
what I can, OK?
Don't go wandering off.
Now, you go to it, Constable.
I don't want to appear ungrateful,
Mr McIver, but
The sausages are just the start.
Trust me.
Mr McIver.
Is that the, er, relief constable?
Aye, the very man, Major.
And keen as mustard, too.
He wants to go around arresting people.
- Well, you'll put him right, of course.
- Aye, it's in hand, Major.
- How are things?
- Oh, trying to get back on an even keel.
If there's anything I can do
- Oh, Isobel.
- Is Hamish still around?
- I saw him off about four this morning.
- Oh.
- Erm, I got the Glasgow job.
- Ah.
- They've asked me to start earlier.
- When?
In two weeks.
Do you suppose he'll be back by then?
I honestly don't know.
I couldn't get a lot out of him.
- Maybe he'll call us.
- Yeah, sure.
- Are you Lachlan McCrae Senior?
- That's me.
- Are these sausages home-made?
- Certainly.
- i.e., made in your own home?
- That's right. Why, what's wrong?
I've reason to believe
these sausages were made
in conditions which contravene
health-and-safety legislation.
I've been making these sausages
for years, boy.
"I have been making
these sausages for years
Er, is this some sort of joke-a-gram
or something?
Are you Bernard Meldrum,
alias Barney Meldrum?
That's right. But there's nothing wrong
with these sausages.
As any of my customers will tell you.
"As any of my customers will tell you."
- Right, gentlemen.
- I don't believe this!
- Why am I here?
- What on earth's going on, TV John?
The relief man's determined to shine.
Despite the fact he's a grade A nutter,
I'm sure that even he can make a few
arrests in the month we've got him for.
You think the brass will be impressed?
So impressed
they'll keep him here permanently
and shift Hamish elsewhere.
Well, it's a possibility, Lachlan.
So I thought I'd keep him busy.
- Doing what?
- Making arrests.
But you just said we need to get rid of
him because he wants to make arrests.
Tell Barney about you and PC McCulloch
they sent us.
You mean the man before
the man before Hamish?
That's the one.
Right. Right.
Who was PC McCulloch?
- Can I ask what you're doing?
- I'm typing up the chat sheet.
The sooner we formalise things,
the sooner we can let those three out.
Let's hope that word of your first arrest
doesn't reach the five families
otherwise it'll cost us a major pinch.
- Er, the five families?
- Aye.
There's the Camerons,
Big Alec and his boys,
there's the McGirks,
the McFees, the McGraws
- And the McLopez clan.
- McLopez.
Is that Sicilian?
Half Scottish, half Spanish.
When the Armada was scattered, those
poor Spanish boys ended up all over.
Ah-ah-ah. What about these five families,
Mr McIver?
Each and every one of them
keeps an illicit still.
Illicit whisky.
And a kind of ersatz sherry
that the McLopez clan has perfected
over the centuries.
This is heavy-duty stuff.
Oh, I can tell you
where you're to find the lot of them.
You bring them in and I'll burn them up.
That's it, that's it.
That's it. Have you got a good grip?
- You OK?
- Yes.
There you are.
Look up.
I'll get you cleaned up.
Get a fire going.
And I'll get you something to eat.
You're very kind, Mr Macbeth.
Listen, are you not a wee bit on the
mature side to be out here on your own?
Believe me, I've been places
a lot rougher than this.
A lot rougher.
This is you taking things easy, is it?
- Coming out here.
- Not exactly.
I was a nurse on the station here.
In 1945. It's where I met my husband.
I was 19. He was a lieutenant.
- Handsome, was he?
- Oh, yes.
Very, Mr Macbeth.
We always had it in mind
to come back to this place someday.
But we never did.
He died three months ago.
For some reason I wanted to come here
more than ever.
I felt compelled to, almost.
I can understand that.
What brought you here?
I told you, my boat sank.
You also told me you'd been here before,
several times.
Did I?
You say your boat sank.
Yet you came ashore almost dry.
You brought no food or water,
only that pistol.
And then you find me standing on a mine
and you don't seem to care.
- I did what I could for you, Mrs Carter.
- You know what I mean.
You don't care for your own safety.
So what does that tell you?
I'm almost 70 years old, Mr Macbeth.
I've no family,
and I've just lost the man I loved.
It could be argued that
I should just step off this thing and
You know?
But I won't.
How could I, amidst such beauty?
It's only sea and sand.
And you, Mr Macbeth?
I'll start the fire, I think.
You could start it over there.
Where it's safe.
No, I think I'll stay close by,
just in case you need me.
I got the last of them, Mr McIver.
The McLopez family.
Out. Extrada.
Hijo de puta.
- What are they doing here?
- They were picking up sherry.
For medicinal purposes only, John.
It's not as if we were going to sell it on.
I can vouch for that. We've bought it
for its medicinal properties.
Oh, yes? What were you gonna do with
this medicine? Drink it or swim in it?
Who is this clown, TV John?
I'd keep a civil tongue in my head
if I were you, Ferdinand.
This is Constable Duggan, the relief man.
And doesn't he put you in mind
of yon PC McCulloch we once had?
You mean the man before
the man before Macbeth?
Now you've pointed it out,
there is a resemblance, TV John.
- I take it the rest are inside, then?
- They're all in there.
Pòg mo thòin. Pòg mo thòin.
You're pushing. Stop pushing.
In where?
In there.
Where in there?
Er there's a man at the back
needing the toilet.
- How should we handle it?
I never thought I just never thought
I know.
Would you like me to lock this lot up
in the bedroom just now?
That's an excellent idea, Mr McIver.
I'll rip into the paperwork
and thin them out.
Paperwork? You can't do that.
You have to feed them first.
Some of them have been here all day.
- Steak-and-kidney pudding!
- Give me some porridge.
- Black puddin' and chips.
- Plaice and chips.
Come on now.
Doc Brown, local GP.
Ah, Doctor. Always nice
to meet a fellow professional man.
- Constable Duggan.
- Agnes.
Is there something wrong?
Can you smell an illegal substance
in here, Doctor?
No, but I guess I've gotten used to it
over the years.
Can I help you?
I hope so. Do you do bar food?
- Yes.
- Good.
I'd like 36 ploughman's lunches, please,
to take away.
- To take away where?
- To the jail.
- I've been lifting crooks since dawn.
- I'm sorry.
We don't do takeaways.
We don't have a licence.
And I'm sure you wouldn't like us
breaking the law.
Oh. And we're the only place in town.
You remind me of another constable
we had here.
McCulloch. The man before
the man before Macbeth.
As a matter of fact, you're looking
more like him by the minute.
I'm in here most afternoons
if you should need me for anything.
Mr Macbeth, I feel faint.
- You've got to stay on your feet.
- I can't.
- Do something. Sing. Try, come on.
- I'm too tired. I can't.
Talk. Talk to me.
Tell me
about this place you live in.
Er Lochdubh.
You OK? You gonna be OK?
It's it's called Lochdubh.
Is it a big place?
No, it's small, it's just one street.
Would I like it there?
Aye, you would love it there.
Tell me about the people.
- Your friends.
- My friends?
There's Doc Brown.
Barney and Agnes from the hotel.
They're a nice couple. Wee Agnes.
There's the McCraes.
Lachlan and Lachie Junior.
They're the boys we could do with now.
They'd have that mine out for you
underneath your feet in five seconds flat.
- What do you mean?
- It's made of metal.
It has to have some scrap value.
That's how the boys would see this.
And there's John.
TV John McIver.
He's like my right-hand man.
He's even got the
the second sight.
- Tell me more.
- More, er
There's Esme Murray.
She's, er she's a schoolteacher.
And local sex symbol.
And her intended, I think, Rory Campbell.
He's a storekeeper, and the best damn
salesman you're likely to meet.
Tell you, I was in there one day,
right, and, er
Flora, she works at the Listener,
which is the newspaper
She's browsing amongst the shelves
and suddenly she lets out this scream.
"£2.20 for a tin of furniture polish,
that's a damn disgrace!"
So Rory
he steps out from behind the counter,
and you have to understand, Rory's not
exactly a laugh-a-minute kind of guy.
He says, "Look," he says,
"That's beeswax, Flora.
"Naturally, the price reflects the great
efforts put in by the polish makers."
Flora's looking completely bemused.
He says, "Look, all the bees
have to be rounded up.
"Then the polish makers
have to spend hours
"trying to get cotton buds
into those wee holes."
Flora's completely flummoxed. She says,
"Cotton buds? What wee holes?"
And he says,
"The bees' ear holes, Flora."
And she buys it.
The story and the polish, two tins.
She's never bought another brand since.
Do you not get it? I mean
Right, cotton buds
Bees' ear holes, beeswax.
I do get the point, Mr Macbeth.
But you'll appreciate
I have no wish to die laughing.
I'm sorry.
It helped, Mr Macbeth.
You speak about them
with great affection.
You must have been happy there.
- Then why?
- Don't.
- But if you talk about it, Mr Macbeth
Given your current situation,
your concern for me does you credit,
but, er really,
this is none of your business.
Then you leave me no choice but
to resort to moral blackmail, Mr Macbeth.
It could be my last request.
And no one's
supposed to be denied that.
Are they?
I first came here with my partner.
She was teaching me how to sail.
We hadn't known each other long.
In fact, we hadn't even, erm
you know, till we came here.
See, this is where the lying started.
The deceit.
This is where where I first told her
what I thought of her
and how I'd want her forever.
And she must have believed me
because eventually
she came back to the village to stay.
To stay with me.
But things had changed.
Someone else had caught my eye.
Someone else was about to be told
what I thought of her
and how I'd want her forever.
Not for me.
I'd just tell her it'd all been a big mistake.
Too bad that she'd come back.
For me.
For me.
I changed my mind, so what?
But I never actually got round to telling
her she was surplus to requirements.
So she's dead.
And she got herself killed.
She got herself killed.
Oh, Mr Macbeth.
If you have any concerns, it should be
about dying in such lousy company.
We're none of us saints.
But that doesn't mean
we should go around killing ourselves.
Won't you move to a safer place?
No, I'm afraid you're stuck with me,
Mrs Carter.
Then I'll have to make sure I don't fall off
this mine, Mr Macbeth.
Excuse me.
- What?
- Did you put salt on these tatties?
- What?
- Salt.
- On the tatties.
- I don't think he did. I can't taste it.
I don't.
I put salt on the tatties.
I put salt on the tatties.
Mr McIver.
Mr McIver, didn't I put salt
on those tatties?
I don't honestly know, Constable.
He didn't, John.
If he'd put it in, I'd taste it.
- Can I say something?
- What?
Well, stew, Constable. It's hardly
what you'd call healthy eating, is it?
I thought, what about
some pasta pesto, something like that?
Quite right.
- Which raises another issue, by the way.
- Oh? What?
Stew. You're hardly
bending over backwards
to accommodate the ethnic minority
here, are you?
There should have been a choice.
Paella, or something Spanish
for me and my boys here.
Spanish? Spanish? Listen to you.
You're no' Spanish. You're as Scottish
as haggis, you old bastard.
Manuel, Jesus, sit down.
Sit down.
You as well, Treenie.
Haggis, that's a great meal.
Plenty of roughage for the bowels.
- Aye.
- And that's very important.
Yes, there's even a vegetarian variety
at the hotel, isn't that right, Barney?
Aye, it goes down well with Swedes,
strangely enough.
Swedes? No, no, Barney,
surely you mean turnips?
Haggis and turnips.
Never heard of haggis and swedes.
- Have you, Ferdinand?
- Not swedes. That's a new one on me.
I doubt they're even compatible.
Gastronomically speaking, like.
No, I don't mean swedes.
- I mean Swedes.
Swedes, he means.
Shut up!
Shut up! All of you, shut up!
Mr McIver, I'd like a word, please.
- What am I gonna do?
- Well, the dishes first of all.
And then you're going out
after the night people.
- Night people?
- Yes.
There's poachers, after hours drinkers,
et cetera, et cetera.
Over at Cnothan
there's a pub called the Craic Na Duich.
And in there they think that last orders
were what Custer called at Little Bighorn.
What about that lot?
You'll have to let them go
to accommodate the night people.
I haven't processed them yet,
what with all the cooking.
Don't worry, they'll do the same things
tomorrow as they were doing today.
Barring Rory and Esme, of course.
Now, you can lift the night people,
process them
let them out, or make them breakfast
if you haven't processed them,
then let them out.
Then you start with that lot again.
Mr McIver, I don't understand.
Constable Duggan, you're involved
in a war of attrition here.
They'll continue to flaunt the law
just as long as they think you're not able
to do the arresting, the processing,
the cooking and the washing up.
And at the moment, they're right.
Now what you have to do
is get it down to a fine art.
So one day, you'll be able
to arrest them, process them,
get them out, get the night people in,
process them and get them out.
Now, when you go into
that Craic Na Duich
at four, no, four-thirty in the morning,
don't go in with handcuffs, Constable.
Go in with a net because
there'll be dozens of them in there.
Mr McIver!
Do I have to do this every day?
Is that what happened to Macbeth?
I did say it wasn't going to be easy,
No one's going to come in time,
are they?
No, somebody will come.
Optimism, Mr Macbeth?
No, wait a minute. Somebody will come.
- Aye, somebody will come that
Sorry. You just need to hang on.
You're under arrest
and there'll be no paella.
Constable Duggan.
- Mr McIver, what time is it?
- Time you were making breakfast.
I'll go and get some eggs and stuff
from Rory Campbell.
I'm looking for a man
called John McIver.
Aye, that's me. Oh!
Where've you come from, eh?
- Where did you get this dog?
- From his owner.
I sold him a boat. He paid me to keep
the dog overnight then bring him to you.
- He said he was heading due west.
- West.
Well, he could have changed course
if he wanted to
But if he didn't change course, Major.
I think he went to White Island.
- He and Alex went sailing there.
- Yes, yes.
Well, I think Macbeth intends
doing himself harm.
- He'll have been there since yesterday
- Trust me, Major
but if Macbeth was dead,
I think I would know.
John, I don't doubt
your psychic talents.
But it does seem questionable to me,
the idea that Hamish intends
to do himself in.
Isn't it likely that he's gone out there
for peace and quiet?
And Wee Jock? Why would he pay
that man to bring the dog back here?
It makes no sense.
I'd like you to go there
and bring him back if you can, Major.
Hmph. I've sold my boat, you know that.
I've spoken to Barney Meldrum.
He's discreet and he'll let you have his.
You'll come with me, of course.
I've got my hands full
with this relief man, Major.
But I'll make sure
you have somebody with you.
You are arrested
- for having sausages.
- You're nicked for the sausages.
- Right.
And what about him?
Seems there's a two-tier legal system
in operation.
Aye, if they're breaking the law
then so am I.
We'll see ourselves over to the station.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Mr McIver!
Mr McIver!
- I thought it would be you.
- But I've got that Duggan to see to.
John, the Major
- Isobel.
- It'll be all right, Major.
It'll be all right.
In you go.
Is John right, do you think,
about why Hamish went to the island?
- I feel so ashamed, Isobel.
- Of what?
Of not feeling as deeply as he does.
I was her father.
I should have felt her loss
more than anyone.
No, this isn't about loss, Major.
began to see things differently.
He wanted to tell Alex but didn't,
or couldn't.
Maybe if she'd known how he felt.
How do you know all this?
How long had it been going on?
It wasn't quite like that.
Well, I do know his feelings
had changed
before Alex came back to Lochdubh.
He thought he owed it to her
to make things work.
If he made a mistake, it was that.
He was trying to be loyal.
Trying not to hurt her.
- Doctor!
You're looking a bit peaky.
Is there something I can do for you?
Could you give me
some Benzedrine, Doctor?
I don't actually have
any Benzedrine, Constable.
But if it's a wee lift you're looking for.
- Mrs Carter, waken up!
You have got to stay awake. Come on!
Please, leave me.
Waken up.
- Waken up!
Well, if he is trying to kill himself,
he must be an awful bad shot.
Hurry, Major!
Do you want to kill us?
Do you want to kill us both?
Look, I am not gonna leave you.
You said you would hang on for us,
you said you would hang on for us both.
- Hamish!
Do you hear that, Mrs Carter?
They're here!
- I said they would come and they did.
- Hamish.
Stay there!
Where's your boat?
- It's back along the beach.
- Go back to it, get on the radio.
We came in Barney's boat, Hamish.
- No radio.
- But
Barney's boat, you stupid
Hamish, we've come to take you home
Isobel, look under the lady's foot, please.
Are we going to be saved, Mr Macbeth?
Yeah, we are, Belle. You just hang on.
- You two might as well go.
- Hamish.
- You should get away from there.
- No. I'm not leaving her.
- Look at her. Even if we went
for help now, it's too late, man.
Oh, please, take him away.
No, no.
- Take
- Something will turn up.
- Somebody's going to come.
- He won't leave her.
- Then help will have to come
sooner rather than later.
Isobel, go to the boat.
There's a tool chest in the stern.
Bring back the oil funnel
and the basin bit. That's
I know what it is.
What is the lady's name?
- It's Belle.
- Belle.
Belle. I am Major Peregrine MacLaine.
And I met this major once in
the officers' mess in Aden, I think it was.
The point is, this major knew
a great deal about mines.
In fact, Belle, this major was
a bit of a mine bore.
But he did tell me how
to deal with a mine in terrain like this.
- Now, are you with me, huh?
- Yes.
Good, good.
Now, if I can drill a hole in the casing
and pour in some sand
I can, perhaps, gum up the works,
as it were.
But there are serious risks involved,
and what I have to know from you is,
are you prepared to take 'em?
If Mr Macbeth agrees.
- You sure about this?
- Absolutely.
I can give as much chance
as Bomb Disposal.
- OK, then. Do it.
- Good man.
Here we are.
Mr McIver.
Come away in, my man.
Come in and check this stew-di-do-di-do.
- You've seen the doc, then?
- A gentlemen of the first water.
Mr McIver,
lookie here, in this wee pottie.
That's paella. Yes, sir.
Paella made by this here fella.
I give you
the rhyming policeman.
- Is there something wrong, Constable?
- No, no, Mr McIver?
Which is Spanish for no.
Nothing wrong except a strange desire
to grind my teeth.
Make way, Mr McIver.
Make way for the cooking policeman.
- Right.
- You do know that's a wood drill?
It's all there is.
Well, it seems to be making
an impression
- All right?
There we are.
- Yes.
- OK?
That should do it.
- You'd better move away, Major.
- No need.
It's safe. And anyway, you'll need
a hand with her, Hamish.
- OK.
- All right.
Mrs Carter.
You can step off now.
Come on.
Well, there we are, then.
That seems to be that.
Well done, Major.
Hamish, shall we?
- You saved my life.
- Both our lives.
- Yes, yes.
- You OK?
- Just very stiff.
- Hamish, could we hurry it up, please?
- What's the rush? You've done it, man!
- Hamish. At the double!
Wait a minute. There wasnae
any other major, was there?
- No.
- In any officers' mess?
- No.
- And you know nothing about mines.
- You crazy Get back!
- What? What is it?
Get back!
You could have
You could have been killed.
Ah, well
- I had to get you away from there.
- You could have been killed!
My God, you could have been killed.
But I wasn't. And neither were you.
Thank God.
And, Hamish, there's nothing you can tell
me that will change my mind about that.
Now, will you come home with us, man?
Mr McIver!
- Mr McIver, they've said it again.
- What's that, Constable?
The Caucasians are saying
I didn't put salt in the tatties.
The Hispanics are saying
there aren't enough prawns in the paella.
Forget all that now, Constable.
Macbeth's in that wee boat out there.
And something tells me
that when he steps ashore,
he's gonna be raring to go.
Oh, hooray for Hamish Macbeth.
What about me?
I've failed here.
Well, we won't say anything if you don't.
You know, it's the wise man that learns
by his mistakes, Constable Duggan.
Have you ever heard
of Duncan McCulloch, MBE?
He's an assistant commissioner
with the Metropolitan Police now.
Of course. He's number one man
in community relations.
He's written books on the subject.
Mr McIver.
He's not
- The man before the man before
before Macbeth.
Come away and I'll tell you
all about him, Douglas.
Tell me about this place
you live in.
It's called Lochdubh.
Would I like it there?
Aye, you would love it there.
You would love it.
Thank God for you, Belle Carter.
Previous EpisodeNext Episode