Hamish Macbeth (1995) s03e01 Episode Script

The Honourable Policeman

(Ravel: Bolero)
(Tyres squeal)
(Bolero continues)
(Bolero continues)
(Music stops)
Oh, I'm looking for Constable Macbeth.
This is Constable Macbeth.
Hello. You must be Constable Patterson.
Oh! Gosh
I wasn't quite sure what to expect.
I do hope you're not too disappointed.
No Absolutely not.
Good. Fetch in Constable Patterson's
bags, will you, John?
Or, should I call you Anne?
Oh, Anne would be super.
Well, Hamish would be super too.
Come inside
and I'll show you the old billet.
Old billet?
You're gonna blow this, Macbeth.
Where's Major Maclean?
Still asleep. Jetlag, most likely.
That's a new name for it.
Didn't know you could get jetlag
coming from Tenerife.
- A woman who speaks her mind.
- That's right.
This is all very plain.
I've had no complaints from the major.
Perhaps I should lend a hand
with the shopping in future.
In future?
You're stopping for a while then?
Oh, forever.
Perry and I are getting married
just as soon as it can be arranged.
So what's she like?
She seems a nice wee lassie.
A bit on the plain side for my taste.
She seems pleasant enough.
I directed her to the police house.
I can't wait to see the new model Hamish.
How's that lookin', John?
I've got him lookin' like
a tailor's dummy, Lachlan.
I've even given him a pipe.
To lend an air of gravitas, you know.
A pipe?! You're windin' us up.
- Cross my heart.
- Ah, but what's in the pipe, John?
Don't you worry about that, Barney.
When that WPC
finishes her week's training
and writes up her notes
on the experience,
Constable Hamish Macbeth will shine.
There'll be no references
to a policeman who's gone native.
Or should be transferred out of here.
Exactly, Lachie junior.
Professor Svensson,
what can I do for you?
My key I must leave to you, Mr Meldrum.
I'll take it.
Oh, thank you.
So a hiking I will go.
- Have a good day, Professor.
- Thank you.
You've a professor staying at the hotel?
Oh, yes.
Hey, listen
d'you know what he's professor of?
Well, it's certainly not English.
He is professor of erotic studies
at the Institute of Human Behaviour,
Erotic studies?
Can you imagine?
- Are we decent?
- Yes. Do come in.
Ah! And who might he be, I ask myself?
Oh, this is Daddy.
He's a commander in the force,
as you can see, Hamish.
Oh, I admire him enormously.
In a world full of cynicism
and increasingly lax attitudes,
he strives to maintain the old values
of discipline and respect.
He's one of a dwindling band, then.
Oh, but a band you so clearly belong to,
Tell me, where will you sleep
while I'm here?
I thought I'd bunk down in the old cell.
I like a good firm mattress
underneath me.
This one feels so
Oh, ah
I do hope I'm not putting you out.
Good grief, look at the time!
Must be pushing on.
I'll wait for you outside, shall I?
John, c'mere, c'mere!
What's wrong?
She fancies me.
She's only been here five minutes.
Are ye sure?
I was lucky tae get oot wi' ma pants on,
plus her old man's a force commander.
Hell hath no fury
like a commander's daughter scorned.
What'll she put in that report
if you don't put a grin on her face?
That is immoral! It's no me she fancies,
it's this plonker I'm supposed tae be.
Immoral? Since when did you
let stuff like that get in the way?
Since I learned it's no the right way tae
be. It's no as if she's God's gift, is it?
Ready when you are, Hamish.
After you.
Darling, you awake?
I thought you might like
something to eat.
- Mm.
- Keep your strength up.
(Clears throat) Never felt stronger
and it is all thanks to you, my love.
(Laughs) So you say, my darling, but
there was that tiny wobble in Tenerife.
I'm absolutely fine.
I feel like a young bull.
I'd like you to see your own doctor.
If it makes you happy, my love.
How did you get on with Edie?
You know, my darling,
I think we'll have to talk about Edie,
but only after you've eaten that
and had your dessert.
I was wondering, Hamish,
if we make any arrests while I'm here
where will you sleep then?
That's highly unlikely, Anne.
I run a tight ship here -
no one ever steps out of line
in Lochdubh.
Ah, some of the locals.
Mr and Mrs Meldrum, Lachie McCrae,
this is Constable Patterson,
she's here for some training.
We've met, I think.
You couldn't have come
to a better place.
This man is a consummate policeman.
It would be a sad day for this village
if ever he were taken from us.
I understand your sentiments entirely,
Mr Meldrum.
You don't mind if I just check,
Mr Meldrum?
- You go right ahead, Constable.
- Faulty tyres can kill.
1.8 - spot on.
Thank God for that, is all I can say.
You don't want to fall foul of that man,
Must push on. Constable Patterson.
She is an absolute honey.
And she's looking for more than training
I should say.
You know, I've been thinkin'
Hamish is going to be at our mercy
while she's here.
What d'you mean?
Well, we're all members
of the recently formed
Police Community Liaison Committee,
so I say we start to liaise.
Who on earth is he?
That's Rorrison Campbell.
Local grocer and
volunteer lollipop man.
- Why is he dressed like that?
- Well, it was my idea, actually.
I thought it'd make him
a trifle more conspicuous
than the old white coat and hat.
Aye. No driver
could fail to notice him in that.
It's a wonderful idea, Hamish.
Listen, Rory, sorry about the uniform
but it's very difficult to find a new slant
on the old lollipop duty.
No need tae apologise.
Esme's crazy about it.
She's got me wearing it at home.
(Car horn beeps)
Edie, is the major back?
He's back and with a floozy in tow.
Some barfly that's latched onto him
in Tenerife.
- What?
- I tell you, Hamish,
when I got to the house I found them
doing some kind of devil dance -
didn't know where to look.
It'll be a holiday romance -
they never last.
No, they're getting married, Rory.
And what's gonna happen to me?
Thank you, Agnes.
Who would've thought it, eh?
The major, of all people.
(Sighs) Maybe he's Ionely, Barney.
Aye, rattlin' about in that big house
can't be a lot of laughs,
but at least it's bound to be true love.
What d'you mean?
Well, this dame, she can't be
a gold digger - the major's penniless.
Huh. But does she know that?
Och, but I mean, you can't know for sure
that she'll give you the heave.
I don't like that woman, Lachlan,
and she knows it.
(Sighs) She'll give me the heave
right enough.
And God knows, the major
doesn't pay much, I need the money.
What'll I do, Lachlan?
you could always get yourself a man.
Somebody to share
life's burdens with you, you know?
I've been on the shelf a long time,
Ah, but ye never know, Edie.
Where there's life, there's hope.
That's what I always say.
Hamish, I would like you to meet
my bride to be, Serena St Clair.
- How do you do?
- I do very well, thank you.
Seriously, I'm really glad
to meet you, Hamish.
Perry speaks very highly of you.
Well, I hold Perry in high regard myself.
why don't you and Hamish have a chat
while I go and make us some coffee?
Isn't she something?
She's something all right.
We met at a ball in my hotel -
a night I'll never forget.
The band the band were playing
Ravel's Bolero.
I looked across the room
and there she was.
It's sort of become our tune, Bolero.
So you met her on holiday?
Yes, yes, she has a villa on the island.
- Her own?
- Oh, yes.
Oh, yes,
she's a woman of some means, Hamish.
Major, um
does Serena know
about your financial situation?
I mean
you know, from the outside,
you know, the land, the house,
a stranger could get
the wrong impression.
Hamish, when you are with
a woman like Serena,
you tend to forget your life
of genteel penury.
And why?
Because it doesn't matter.
We're purely and simply, in love.
Yeah, but
But nothing, as long as you're happy.
Happy? Hamish, I am ecstatic.
I am reinvigorated, reinvented, reborn!
Did I say about my legs?
Your legs?
Yes, now, I have beautiful legs.
I'm in my middle years and I have
the legs of an 18-year-old boy.
She saw it.
Now isn't it amazing?
Major, I just don't know
how to respond to that.
Darling, coffee.
Yes, coming, darling.
Come on. We both have something
we would like to ask you.
- Good evening.
- Hi, there.
Evening, all.
Barney, get Hamish a pint.
- So, have you been over there?
- Just back.
What's she like?
- Good for the major.
- So, when's the big day, Hamish?
Just as soon as the registrar
can fit them in, and I am to be best man.
So it's gonna be a big do, is it?
No, just the ceremony,
then Serena and the major are gonna
pop home for a quiet celebration.
Eh, Agnes can I have a word?
Right. What it is, is
I was wondering if you could, erm
maybe help me wi' a a wee problem,
- you being women, I mean.
- Of course, Hamish.
Good, Right, erm
d'you know that WPC Patterson?
She wants yer body.
How d'ye know that?
I saw her looking, Hamish.
Me too and that is as bad a case
of the hots as I have ever seen.
So what d'you think I should do?
You mean you don't know?
you could speak to Professor Svensson
over there.
He might have some educational books
with illustrations and things.
- Show you how to go about it, Hamish.
- What bits go where, things like that.
I see. I come for a bit of help
and this is what I get - ridicule.
I'm trying tae show a bit o' restraint here.
Trying no tae take advantage
o' that woman - a sister, ladies.
We know ye are, Hamish.
It's an admirable thing you're doing.
So, we've had a word with John,
and, er
we've suggested something to him.
Some people here are optimistic
about the future
but many more are apprehensive
and even fearful,
raising, yet again, the whole question
of land ownership in the Highlands.
Isobel Sutherland
for The Highlands Today.
of the Glendoran estate
in a dozen years
- and despite repeated enquiries
- Something of interest, Mr Mclver?
Yes, the presenter, she's a local girl.
She left to go into newspaper
and then came up north to do that.
- To Lochdubh?
- No, no, Inverness.
It's Hamish's tape, actually.
They were close, you know.
I think he's still carrying a torch for her.
I wouldn't be too sure about that.
Hamish is steeped
in the ethos of the force.
A copper's copper.
The force feeds him, clothes him,
even puts a roof over his head.
People like Hamish tend to look to it
to provide them with a partner also,
which is probably why
that relationship failed.
Oh, well, back to the drawing board then.
Oh, please, God, gimme the strength
to be a good man. Oh, please.
I would like to bring this meeting
of the Police Community
Liaison Committee to order,
by formally welcoming WPC Patterson
to Lochdubh.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
The agenda, Hamish.
- The what, what?
- The agenda, man.
Ah, the old a-gen-da.
And you'll see that there is
only the one item there, Hamish.
What about transport?
Well, whilst we recognise the need for
a Land-Rover, given the local terrain
It nevertheless has the adverse effect
of rendering you, on occasion,
remote from the community.
- You whizz by, if you see what I mean.
- Mm-hmm. Do carry on.
So, we thought, that is the Police
Community Liaison Committee thought,
that were you to vary
your mode of transport,
that might alleviate the problem.
And what exactly did you have in mind?
(Gasps) Hamish, isn't it wonderful?
Every single last one of you
is a dead man.
We must try it straightaway,
just to get the hang of it.
That's a good idea.
You will of course,
be riding Lochdubh fashion, Hamish.
Ladies at the front, Hamish.
They say that Lochdubh's population
explosion in the '30s
was not unconnected to the popularity
of the tandem at the time.
What can he mean?
(Bike bell)
Oh, Hamish, the scenery!
Would you like to stop for a while?
(Horn beeps)
Seems OK there.
And you have no history
of blackouts, Major?
No, none.
One minute I was sitting
on the hotel balcony,
and the next,
I was lying on the bathroom floor.
What did the doctor in Tenerife say?
Nothing. Serena called and called,
the man just never came out.
When I seemed to make a full recovery,
I just put it out of my mind.
- No nausea, nothing like that?
- No.
- Nothing like it since?
- Nothing.
I think we should take a blood sample,
have it looked at.
Artichoke hearts, quail's eggs, caviar.
Veuve Clicquot and Bolly?
Oh, yes, Veuve is Perry's favourite
bubbly, but I react terribly badly to it.
- Oh.
- Mm.
Dreadful rash
on every centimetre of my body.
- So you'll be the Bolly person.
- That's right.
Slips down a perfect treat
and no ill effects.
Well then, it's Veuve and Bolly.
- Half bottles?
- Of course.
I practise moderation in most things,
Mr Campbell.
Would tomorrow be too soon
to pick this up?
Tomorrow would be fine.
Thank you.
Rory, the major can never afford all this.
Maybe not, but she can
and when they're married,
what's hers is his, right and vice versa?
If I'm not mistaken, that was
a Hermes scarf she was wearing.
She's not short of a bob or two.
Good God, will she never go tae sleep?
She's got things on her mind, Hamish.
Maybe she's gone tae sleep
wi' the light on.
I'm no goin' in tae put it out.
Afraid of what
you might accidentally see?
There's nothing accidental about it -
she knows what she's doing.
- Hamish, look.
- Oh, thank God.
Give her 37 minutes.
37 minutes?
Aye. That's as long as Agnes
has ever lasted.
And when she's in the mood, she's as
determined as any young policewoman.
Better make it 40,
she is a younger woman.
Right ye are.
Make it stop.
make it stop.
You must've been late getting in
last night, Hamish. No trouble, I hope.
No, no, I, I, I was, um I was just
- At the major's.
at the major's.
- Practising to be best man.
- Practising to be best man.
You know, it says a great deal about you,
that such an important figure
in the community
should ask you to be his best man.
It just says so much.
Ah, Edith.
Oh, Edie
She sent you to do the dirty work,
hasn't she?
She is going to be my wife, Edith.
I'll stay till you're married -
is that all right, Major?
Yes, oh, yes, yes, that would be fine.
I am so very sorry.
There we are. Have you enough sugar
in your tea, Constable?
- Splendid, Mrs Meldrum, splendid.
- Oh, and mine. Thank you.
Professor, is that you off?
Yes, to Rome I must be going,
I'm scared.
No, "I'm afraid."
You too?
Well, bon voyage.
Thank you.
Let me give you a hand.
Thank you.
Thank you, young gentleman.
(Horn beeps)
Hey, hey! Hey!
- Professor?
- That is Lottie La Rue.
No, I don't think so.
Yeah, I'm telling you.
That is Lottie La Rue!
She was star woman in Swedish film
Kiss Of The Mantis, 1977.
I've seen that film
a thousand times, yeah.
I'm telling you for sure,
that is Lottie La Rue.
And she has a butterfly on her bump.
Lottie La Rue?
Oh, yeah.
One film and then gone.
No more Lottie La Rue.
What, what kind of film?
Aha, no, not pornography,
but whoo, very erotic, yeah?
(Sighs) Lottie La Rue.
Ah, Mr McCrae, just the man.
Hamish, if it's about the tandem
No, no. It's about a film, Lachie.
I thought wi' you bein' a film buff,
you'd be able tae tell me
how to get hold of a film.
You can sit down
in front of my computer.
I have the wherewithal to punch up
dialogues, story lines, scenes,
the whole film maybe.
(Theme from The Big Country)
That's fantastic.
D'you mind if I just have a wee go?
Aye, help yourself.
But, why the sudden interest?
I'm checkin' on something, Lachie.
Something unofficial.
Oh, I'll leave you in peace, then.
Thank you.
(Theme for The Stripper)
Ah, Major, Major.
(Hums Ravel's Bolero)
I saw the butterfly, Hamish.
I saw the butterfly.
What did I tell you?
Now, home and into bed,
because you've got a very early start
in the morning,
Isn't this a bit of a leap to make?
Call it a copper's instinct.
Where's Constable Patterson?
- Gone? Where?
- I'm no tellin' you.
Let's just say her duties elsewhere
will take up a fair bit of her time here.
Why won't you tell us?
What, so some smart alec can contact
her and bring her back? No, thank you.
Hello. Hamish, Hamish, wonderful news.
The registrar called to say
she had a last-minute cancellation.
Serena and I can get married tomorrow.
Oh, that's good news, Major. I've seen
your intended and you're a lucky man.
- Well, you know what this means, Major.
- What?
It's your stag night.
Dram be, so it is.
I would say
such wonderful things to you
We would have
such wonderful things to do
If you were the only girl in the world
And I was the only boy ♪
(Clears throat)
Friends Dear friends,
a song encapsulating
the wonderful evening in Tenerife
when my bride to be,
Serena and I, first met.
Strangers in the night
exchanging glances
Wondering in the night,
what were the chances ♪
(Continues, muffled)
Edie? What's the story, lass?
I'm being let go.
Och, I don't blame the major.
I doubt if he'll have a mind of his own
from here on in.
No, this is her doing.
Nil desperandum, Edie.
Nil desperandum. Eh?
Strangers in the night ♪
Please repeat after me.
I solemnly and sincerely declare
that I, Serena St Clair,
accept you, Roderick Peregrine Maclean,
as my lawful husband
to the exclusion of all others.
I solemnly and sincerely declare,
that I, Serena St Clair,
accept you,
Roderick Peregrine Maclean
as my lawful husband
to the exclusion of all others.
Let me be the first to congratulate you,
- and Mrs Maclean.
- Thank you.
And, thank you, my darling,
for making me so very, very happy.
Oh, a great, great day, Hamish.
I'm so glad you're here to share it.
Pleasure's mine, Major.
Pleasure's mine.
Mrs Maclean.
Aha, aha, I think I'll be taking
my wife home now, Hamish.
And where will you go?
Hair of the dog, I think.
Excuse me, Major, if you could just
bear with me a while longer,
there are some forms to be filled in.
Where have you been?
We're all waiting for the news.
What news?
They're married, on their way home.
What news?
What do you mean, what news?
What was she wearing, Hamish?
A frock - what d'you think?
What kind of frock, for goodness' sake?
Was it white, cream, long,
black, short - what?
You know, I never noticed.
Typical bloody man.
I was overcome wi' the emotion of it all.
(Ravel: Bolero)
I can't stand it any longer.
Macbeth, you'll have to tell us
what you've done wi' that wee lassie.
Damn you, man.
We'll all promise not to interfere.
(Sighs) You promise?
(AIl) Aye, we promise.
You know that language college
in Inverness?
- I know it.
- Well, she's there.
Working night and day
and too late at night to drive back
so I got her digs - out o' ma own pocket.
What's she workin' at, Hamish?
She's lookin' at photographs
in foreign newspapers.
Lookin' for a needle in a haystack.
a needle that isn't even in the haystack.
Hamish, could you be a bit less opaque?
(Ravel's Bolero)
I discovered that the major's wife
had made a film, right?
A low budget Swedish thing
about a woman who travels Europe
and then marries moderately wealthy
men and starts bumping them off.
So, I asked Constable Patterson,
how does a woman like Serena
afford her kind of lifestyle,
when, as far as we know,
she hasn't worked for 20 years?
"What if" I wondered out loud,
"Serena had started
to act out her part in real life?"
Marry men
and bump them off for their money?
So, she's scanning papers
for evidence of Serena's past crimes?
Right again.
She must be easily swayed
if she bought that, Hamish.
Well, she had her doubts but I gave her
the "good copper's instinct" line.
(Both) Mm.
Oh, you take these through to the lounge
and I'll bring in the caviar.
All right.
But don't keep me waiting long,
Mrs Maclean.
So how did this woman
get rid of her men, Hamish?
Electrocution, car crash,
domestic acci
The last one, it was particularly nasty.
She poisons the guy, right?
Poisons the guy on their wedding day.
I don't buy it.
The poison would show up
in the postmortem, wouldn't it, Doc?
Very probably.
She poisons the guy then
dumps his body in a lake for a year.
Mm, it might work.
There wouldn't be a lot left
to do a PM on.
Surely people'd be suspicious -
a man disappearing on his wedding day?
Prior to the wedding,
she slips the guy a Mickey,
he collapses, the doctor comes
and establishes the fact that
the guy is prone to blackouts. Clever.
The, erm major had a blackout.
In Tenerife.
He asked me to see him about it.
Come on, I just made the whole thing up
to get rid o' Anne.
Who's on the bell here?
Me, Daddy.
Darling? Darling,
could you come in a minute?
Ah, darling.
Edith's come to collect some things
and I thought you might like to say
what we had agreed.
Of course.
I hope there are no hard feelings
and that we can remain friends.
Goodbye, Major. I'll just get my things
from the kitchen and be on my way.
Well I did try.
Oh, of course you did, darling.
Of course you did.
What if the doctor carried out tests
after the first blackout?
The drug would show up, wouldn't it?
Depends how long it was
before the man went to see his doctor.
In the film, the woman only pretends
to phone the doctor.
The guy recovers, feels OK,
wants to forget all about it.
Hamish, according to the major, Serena
tried to telephone the doctor in Tenerife
but the man never showed up.
This is ridiculous.
You've got me as paranoid as yourself.
Hamish, I I think you were right.
- Yeah?
- Look.
That is her, isn't it?
I dunno. It could be.
I got it from Le Monde, 1989.
Different name but the woman's husband
was electrocuted accidentally.
Come on, I am dying of thirst.
I've got to be wrong, surely?
We'll soon know.
Cheers, my love.
Cheers, my darling.
Oh, wedding cake.
Get it later.
I want it now.
Any minute now, Mr Maclean.
Any minute now.
Serena, we have visitors.
(Hamish) No! Major! Major! Major!
- What's going on?
- We think it's poisoned, Major.
- Where's your wife?
- She's in the kitchen.
Come on, Lachlan.
She's dead, Hamish.
- Serena?!
- Steady, Major, steady.
Somebody tell me what is going on here.
We think she was trying
to poison you, Major,
and that she's murdered others.
Let me through.
Let me through here. Let me
Oh, my God!
What have I done?
What have you done?
I only wanted to give her a rash.
Just a rash for her allergy.
Wait a minute, just take it easy,
tell us what happened.
It was to be my parting shot, Hamish.
I'd steamed some labels
off empty champagne bottles.
I didn't think I'd get a chance
but when I came in here
and saw the bottles in the ice bucket,
I stuck the old labels on them.
I stuck the Veuve label on the Bolly
and the Bolly label on the Veuve.
So the major drank the Bolly
thinking it was the Veuve.
And she drank the Veuve
thinking it was the Bolly.
She drank her own poison, Major.
You're a very lucky man.
What kind of person would?
Oh, Major, now, just you come with me.
Come away, Major. This way.
Stay with her body.
Sure, Hamish.
(Sighs) Poor man.
He'll get over it.
Of course,
there is an upside to all of this.
What's that?
Well, she was the major's legal wife,
so everything she's got is his.
You mean like yon villa in Tenerife?
We better start
looking out the sun block then.
Just came to say goodbye.
Can I ask you something?
- Mm-hm.
- Why did you let me take credit for this?
I told you.
You give me a glowing report
and I'll make you
the most famous rookie of all time.
Oh, look, please, it's not that.
Is it?
You see, I want to be here, Anne,
and to do that,
I have to keep a low profile.
Oh I see.
Well, thanks for telling me.
You know
I think I like the real you
even better than the person
you pretended to be.
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