Hang Ups (2018) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

- BUZZER - Issy, Ricky, where's my charger? Karen, have you seen my charger? Morning, Abs.
I'll let you in.
Just come in.
Richard, our credit card was declined yesterday.
- How's that possible? - Right, my first client's about to call, - and I'm not ready.
- Have you got any cash? - BUZZER - Can you let Abs in, please? Ricky! Issy! Get up! Aloha.
Oh, I come in peace.
Karen, I've got the Chief Exec on the line.
- Richard, aren't you going to say hello? - Oh, fucking hell.
Hello, hello.
- Hello, Werner.
- Hi, Werner.
- Richard, I'm so horny on your wife.
- Right.
It's very early here, Werner.
What time is it there? 1972? - Issy, have you seen my charger? - No.
Not now, Dad.
I don't know.
Dylan, you're here again? Are you actually homeless? Girls, I think you have an admirer.
I was texting! - Here, hold that, make yourself useful.
- MOANING Dad, you're supposed to knock! That was the agreement.
- Ricky, where is my charger? - I don't know, check the bedroom or something.
- Is Liam actually dead? - Richard, can you remember, it's Ricky's careers meeting today, please? Careers meeting, Ricky.
I'll remember.
- Can you make sure you go with him? Promise me.
- I'll remember.
Here, give me that.
Stops stalking my sister.
- She's got a girlfriend.
- She's so fit, though.
- So, first day.
- Yeah.
Exciting.
- Good luck.
- Yeah, thanks, babe.
- Where are you holding the sessions? - In the office.
Pete's got it ready.
Oh, of course he has.
He has.
- Yeah, it's nearly ready.
- Pete! You had one job, Pete: to get the office ready! Where's my charger? Issy, I'm going to I tell you every day, that charger is important for my work.
Has anyone And this laptop's about to Die.
- What am I going to do? - Why don't you use the desktop, darling? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- Enjoy it.
- OK, thanks.
- OK? - All right, see you later.
Yeah, go home.
- Good luck.
- I'm working down here.
- No, no.
You can go.
- You can all go.
You need to go! - CALL ALERT ON COMPUTER - Hel Pete? - Hello.
- This is brilliant, isn't it? - I've got Your first day, with your first client.
- I have a client calling.
- And who is it? - Who is it? - It's Michael Jackson.
- Are you Michael Jackson? - I'm being your guinea pig.
- I'm just going to - Well, I don't need to practise.
I mean, I haven't done it I've accidentally killed my wife.
- Accidentally - Just give me advice.
What do I do? She's still in the garage, wrapped up in a blanket.
Is this something to do with your feelings towards your actual partner? - No, it's got nothing to do with Wendy.
- Really? - No.
- I think subconsciously you are so anxious about her wanting to have a child that you are subconsciously thinking about murdering her.
This is getting fucking heavy.
This is deep.
If you were a real client, that's the kind of area I would explore.
- I love that woman.
- Yeah, - but you're hiding from her in my office.
- I just do not want children.
That's why I've been staying here, Richard.
OK? But if you're going to spend so much time hiding in my new office, - can you at least put it together so it works? - Sure.
Sure, I just I can't - What are you doing with that? - I just ca - Breathe.
It's OK, Pete.
It's all right.
- PETE SCREAMS PETE SCREAMS - You all right? - OK, yeah.
I do feel better for that, Richard.
Good.
OK, listen, I've been looking at the website.
- Let's talk about the website.
- I've got it up now, actually.
I don't think people need to know who designed the website.
Really? You sure? No, what matters is that they can pay.
Promo, promo.
Let's do a promotional video.
You come into the website, immediately, - "Richard Pitt, therapy.
" - OK, yeah, do that.
Yeah, do it.
Do you want your credits in the website Yeah, a little bit about who I am.
- Where you like to holiday - No.
- What you like to do to relax.
- No, my professional credits.
Had a group therapy practice, I've been a therapist for many years.
You didn't complete the course, did you? - Yes, yes.
- You had that year off.
- I'm a qualified therapist.
- Really!? - Yes! - You actually are a therapist? - Yes! - Richard! Well done, mate.
- CALL ALER - Hello.
- Hi, Richard.
How are you, Celia? - So nice to It's Dr Kane, by the way.
OK.
Dr Kane, of course.
Just to remind you, I'm your clinical supervisor, you're my clinical supervisee.
It's not a test.
I'm really here to help you - Great.
- To achieve your practice certificate.
Great.
We're going to get along just fine.
You and I, we're going to get along just fine.
- Yes, I mean, this is quite a serious thing.
- No, sure.
So some of the main things that I have to focus on is some of your own issues.
So this could be anything to do with your family, to do with any past failures.
Yeah, no, there was an issue with my previous business, yes.
That's all behind me now.
Do you think you wanted the business to fail? No.
I mean, I worked very hard at that business and I was absolutely distraught when it collapsed.
The fault lay elsewhere, let's put it that way.
I just was unlucky, I picked somebody who proved not only to be untrustworthy, but a massive wanker as well.
- Wanker - He left me with a lot of debt, - and in a very difficult position.
- The thing is, there were other casualties.
It's not just you, is it? There are people out there, some of your clients, - who are only half healed.
- Yeah.
- So that's very serious.
- Yeah.
So what we'd like you to do is think about doing some work pro bono.
For free? Yeah I did a lot of it when I was starting out, and I knew it looked great on the CV.
But I was in a better position than you.
- Really? - Because Well, I didn't have any black marks against my name.
Well, let's hope I've managed to turn the page on my career, so that we no longer are looking at those black marks.
Or what you could do, by doing some pro bono, you could put some Tippex - Yes.
- over those marks.
Did you hear about the man who mistook Tippex for Viagra, and woke up in the morning with a massive correction? SLIGHT WHIMPER I've not laughed this hard in ages.
SLIGHT WHIMPER Sorry, I'm letting myself down here.
It's very unprofessional.
SLIGHT WHIMPER Yes, I think I'm done.
That's very funny.
CALL ALER Let's go, first question, ask me anything.
Ask me absolutely anything.
I'm assuming it's going to be about sex, - because that's what this is all about, isn't it? - CAT MEWS Fucking cat! Margaret, will you fucking shut up! Jesus, fucking cats! Dennis, will you stop fucking riding her! Fucking Bengals, they're only supposed to live to four fucking years, then they go on for fucking ever.
Pissing all over the fucking lovely carpet.
That's a Wilton fucking carpet.
Er With regards to your sex life What would you like to know? Well Pretty much all services have been made available to him.
I do have some rules.
If you, you know, would like to be felated, it must be clean.
I don't think that's unreasonable.
Do you? Is your sex life satisfactory? He pokes the right places.
It comes to an end.
We carry on.
So can we sort of hurry up this bit now? Can we zap through whatever it is you need to know? I can have a cry and we can all go home.
Can we sort of speed that up? Sure.
What I'd like to do is take you back to the moment Fine, I'm happy to talk about the showers.
- Fine.
We'll talk about the showers.
- OK.
We had to go through the showers, matron stood at the end, and we all used to run through, and it was sort of about the time when everybody was, you know, developing their pubic hair.
And I didn't have any.
So I ran through and she said "stop".
And I tried to cover my tuppence and she said, "Let's all see your baldy tuppence.
Look at Fiona, she's got a baldy.
She's got a baldy tuppence.
" And it sounds silly now, I know.
But at the time I got I got very upset and I used to cry.
(SHE LAUGHS) SHE SOBS Cry - And do you - I think that's maybe why I find it so hard, with the cats.
Because it's like they're taunting me.
You know, they're there, with their full pelt, and I think, where was my pelt? And is Nigel mocking me - by getting those two fucking cats? - CAT MEWS Fucking, fucking, there she fucking is! Margaret, you fucking little shit! - Go on, get out of the fucking hall! - CAT SCREAMS - DOOR SLAMS - Shit! - Are you suggesting that Nigel bought the cats - Do you think it's only chance? Two furry pussies? And now Nigel, who knows my past, he wants me to fully wax the full region.
I simply won't do it.
It's a stand against my past.
There's a full-hair pie available for him to tuck into.
And he's not availing himself of that buffet at the moment? If Nigel doesn't want to eat at the full-hair buffet, then he is free to attend a bald tuppence.
CALL ALER - Dad? - Ricky? - Dad.
- Ricky, what? It's Issy, she's got relationship problems again, and Tell Mum.
I can't get involved in Issy's dramas.
- I tried Mum already and she's - Try her again.
Bye.
Dad? - Dad? - CALL ALER - Hello.
- Hiya.
- You must be Angie.
- So, where to start? - Therapy, do you know what I mean? - Yeah.
Everything's sort of falling into place for me.
So I just thought, you know, get some therapy, because I thought I'd be really good at it.
OK.
So, great.
Tell me a bit about yourself.
I guess my main goal is by the time I'm 30 I want to have one million Instagram followers.
- That's your goal in life? - Yeah.
- Not relationships or family? - Not really, no.
I think I'm sort of the only person that I can depend on.
- Oh, really? - So I feel like I should just be focusing on building my own brand.
- Right.
- Putting out more content.
Just sort of trying to bulk up the followers.
And what do you post on Instagram? Today, for example, I might like to post a screenshot of this and be like, "Smashing therapy, #goals.
" So the great thing about therapy is that we can talk, and you can say anything to me you like.
- Yeah.
- Because nothing you say to me will go past us.
Yeah, apart from the things I'll post about the session.
- That's the thing - Keeping my fans, like, updated about - what's going on in my life.
- Well, no, you see, you don't need to do that.
This is a space for you to explore how you're feeling.
How do I gain anything from talking about my feelings if nobody is there to hear it? OK, so, I hope you'll agree that the stuff here - we can get into together - Yeah.
I think I've sort of being very much #engaged - with the whole session.
- Just engaged? - #Articulate.
- Articulate? - #Involved.
- Involved? You've been involved? #SuccessfulSesh - is probably what I will tweet after this.
- You've been successful in the session? - Yeah.
- OK, but listen to me.
What I ask is that you don't share anything about this session on social media.
Well, a compromise, I will only tweet #PositiveThings about this session.
Hi, I've got a missed call from Ricky.
I spoke to Ricky, I've sorted everything out.
- It's fine.
- Great.
I hope you enjoyed your wake-up call this morning.
- It's a pretty wonderful way to be woken up.
- You woke up very fast.
Yeah, that wasn't the only thing that happened fast.
No.
Yeah, that was a shame.
Maybe we can have a replay later today.
- I'll put it in the diary.
- Is that Abs? Hey, man.
Maybe we should go to karaoke together, dude? - What do you think? - Maybe I should hang up now.
- Let's do it.
- Yeah, bye.
Bye, darling.
SHOOTING SOUND EFFEC GAME MUSIC CONTINUES CALL ALER Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? I can't hear you.
Whoever that is, I can't hear you.
- It's Neil.
- Try again in a minute.
Thank you.
CALL ALER - Hello? - Hello.
Richard, listen to me.
- Yes? - I've had a call from the hospital.
- Dad, what's wrong? - There's nothing wrong with me.
- Oh, right.
- It's about your mother.
- Oh.
- She's had a fall.
- Oh.
- Off the wagon.
- Right.
- Quite why they called me, I don't know.
Anyway, I want you to deal with it.
- Can't you phone John? - Good God, no.
- Catherine? - No, I've called you.
- Well, yeah - Your mother needs taking in.
She needs looking after.
She can't be on her own.
- She will continue to fall.
- Dad, I can't do that, - because I've just started a new business.
- Don't use the word can't to me.
It's like a red rag to a bull.
- Listen.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry All the way through you childhood I said to you "can't" is a word that should not be in your vocabulary.
I'm saying that today's the first day of my new business - and I'm working from home.
- Good, you're working from home.
- How very nice for you.
- Yeah Now listen to me, I want you to deal with this.
- But I can't.
- I'm sorry? I I am not able to bring her into this house.
Richard, I know exactly what she's like.
Deal with it.
Please.
Take some responsibility for once in your life.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
Is this the beginning of how it's going to work? I think so, yes.
Why are you looking me directly in the eye? Where do you want me to look? I think you should try talking to me at an oblique angle so that we replicate the couch situation that we're used to having when I'm giving you therapy.
- There? - That's better, yes.
Because then you're talking to your subconscious, you're not talking to me.
Well, I'm actually talking to the curtains.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So my dad rang again and just you know, laid an enormous turd across my face.
And how does that make you feel? I feel like a small fleck of shit on my father's shoe in that he never actually sees me but I irritate him.
I'm there somewhere and he would like to get rid of me, I'm just this irritant in his life.
You've got very, very agitated.
Your breathing has got very agitated, almost to a sexual level.
Do you feel any kind of sexual impulse or arousal when discussing your father? Now, my cock goes in when I discuss It actually shrinks.
It goes back.
- OK, I'm going to ask you something - Yeah.
that may be a little off-piste.
Can you with your right hand cup your genitals and just hold them? - Outside the trousers or inside? - Outside the trousers.
Yeah.
- How does that make you feel? - Better.
I'm going to make the suggestion, the next time you speak to your father, have your left hand on the off button and your other hand on your genitals and as soon as you feel that you are being threatened either way, either squeeze the one or switch off the other.
That will be your choice.
- OK, but - Do you want to go anal this morning? Mmnn OK, all right, OK.
DOOR SLAMS - Thanks for that.
- For what? Careers interview.
- Careers interview, was that today? - Yes, it was today.
You were supposed to be at the meeting with me.
By the way, you were the only dad that wasn't there.
CUPBOARDS BANGING - There's no food in the house.
- Isn't there? We'll get a takeaway.
COMPUTER BEEPS - Don't tell Don't tell Mum.
- Don't tell Mum, right.
- Hello.
- Hello, Mr Pitt.
- Hello, Richard.
- Hi.
- Hello, how are you? - How are you? Before you start with all the jibber jabber, I'll tell you, OK.
I think you may have fucked up my life.
- I'm not sure - So what do I do? - Online, book and - Shall we book now, shall we do it now? On the website there should be a way you can pay by credit card.
I'll leave the money in an envelope at the Post Office in Feckenham.
- You used to kill cats? - Just for eating.
- You eat cats? - Yeah, and wear a bit of them.
Mum, I don't want to talk to the doctor any more.
Everything I do, I do it - For you? - Yeah.
- That's a song.
- I know, I realise that.
- Friday at - Today? - Friday.
- Today? Friday at four.
- Thursday? - I think I should probably - let you go.
- You too.
And if you want any advice, you get in touch with me - I will.
- and I'll tell you how to give it to them.
- All right.
Thanks.
Bye.
- Bye.
- Dylan.
- All right? - You are always in my house.
- No.
Liam is always here.
- What? - Liam, stay away from my fridge, you.
Can I talk to you about my feelings for Issy? No.
COMPUTER BEEPS Hello.
Oi.
I know you're there.
I want my money.
Richard! Richard.
Have you packed already? Yeah.
Pretty much.
In fact, I've got a few minutes.
- Oh, OK.
How long? - Well, long enough.
- OK.
OK.
- Let's make it quick.
Condom - I don't think we're quite ready for that yet.
- OK, sure.
- Give me a hand.
- Sorry.
- How was your first day? - Mmm.
Yeah, good.
Oh, good.
- Not too depressing? Sorry.
- Can we not talk about it now? OK.
All right, go easy.
- OK, you're not playing Yahtzee.
- No.
Mmnn - Are you all right? - Mm-hmm.
Is that OK? Is that enough? I'll hold the nib.
Be careful, you always break it here.
Gently.
- SNAPPING - I'm so sorry.
I'm so Sorry.
Yeah.
That hurt, didn't it? Why don't you get a vasectomy? The amount of time we spend faffing around.
Please, please, please get a vasectomy.
- OK.
- OK.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
All systems go, - take your tights off.
- OK.
PHONE RINGS - It's Abs.
- Don't answer it.
I got to answer, it's Abs.
- Don't, please.
Please, please.
- He's outside.
He knows I'm here.
I can't just ignore it, he can probably hear the phone ringing.
- No - Abs, hi.
How you doing? - Hi, Abs.
- Hey, man.
- All packed.
- Great.
Listen, did you guys order takeaway? There's a guy with about seven plastic bags outside.
- I think that's probably Richard's.
- Yeah.
Not Clean Eats.
Poor Ricky.
I feel so sorry for him.
- You didn't go to the careers meeting with him, did you? - No, I - But I asked you to, didn't I? - Yeah.
- So we'll just try and do a bit better.
- OK.
- Particularly with Ricky, for me, yeah.
- Yeah, I will.
- He looks up to you.
- I know.
Well, he doesn't look up to you, maybe, but he loves you.
And I love you, OK.
- Yeah? - Safe trip.
Bye, everyone.
Have a good flight.
Call me when you get to Zurich.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Mr Pitt, was there shellfish in that food? You know I'm allergic to (HE VOMITS) - Neil, hello.
- Richard.
- Neil, listen can I ring you - Shut up! Richard, you will fucking talk to me now! - I'll call you back in a minute.
- You are taking the piss out of me, you fucking little shitty bastard.
- You fucking talk to me now.
- I promise, I promise, I promise you I'll call you back.
- You better had.
- I will, I will, I will.
That's better.
Sorry, there's just a lot of people in the house today so I don't I want to be able to speak to you, you know How are you doing? You look great.
Do you not know why I'm calling you? Do you not know what danger you are in, mate? There is absolutely no question that you are getting your money.
Give me a timeframe.
Tomorrow? Day after tomorrow? I can give you a very specific timeframe, and that is that it is going to be soon.
- Are you trying to wind me up? - No, no.
If I don't see this money tomorrow, then I'm going to come round there and cut your arms off, mate.
- It's a threat, Richard.
- I know it's a threat.
- And it's a really good one.
- Well, give it me then.
I will.
What you've got to understand is I'm doing therapy online and people are paying me for that therapy.
Have you ever had therapy? - No.
- Do you want some? How does it work? It works by just us talking to each other and I help to get to the bottom of what is making people unhappy.
- Does that sound good? - Well, I can see - the point, yeah.
- I'm sure you're a very - happy-go-lucky guy.
- I'm not.
- Aren't you? No.
- No.
Well, I could help to make you into a happy-go-lucky guy.
Let me get this straight.
You're offering me some sessions - Yeah.
- to alleviate some of this debt, - is that what you're saying? - Why don't we do it? - What have you got to lose? - All right, mate, - I wouldn't mind seeing what you can do.
- Yes.
You're not going to regret this.
I'm telling you now - I'm sceptical, mate.
- You will be amazed.
One day.
- Yeah.
- We'll do one day.
- OK.
- And if not, I'll come round and stick knitting needles in your eyes.
Yeah, yeah, do that.
I mean, don't do that, but let's do that.
- Let's do that.
- BUZZER I better go, got to have a session with someone else now.
Anyway, listen, it's great talking to you.
I'm so pleased we I'm so pleased we made contact and you take care.
I'll speak to you soon, all right.
All right.
You haven't turned the computer off.
Do you realise I can see you crying? Have you ever cared for anyone before? Yes, I care about a lot of people.
- Cry.
Now.
- No.
- Cry.
- No.
No.
- You, sit there.
- Yeah, but gently, Martin.
- Incoming.
- EXPLOSION In bed I'm Aslan in Narnia, in the world I'm Rumpelstiltskin.
She wants to kill herself, I'm happy to drive her to Switzerland.
- I'll take a video.
- Yeah.