Hap and Leonard (2016) s01e06 Episode Script
Eskimos
1 (RELAXED COUNTRY MUSIC) (GROANS) I know, buddy.
I miss him too.
I think mine went straight through.
Mine didn't.
Another fine mess you got us into.
I told you she wasn't no good.
I'll make it up to you.
Please, next life? When we get out of this.
We ain't getting out of here, Hap.
Not alive.
Where the hell is he? I don't know.
Out there somewhere waiting to shoot our asses off.
You got any guns here? They're all in the back of the car at the hippie compound.
What, all of them? What, now you like guns? (GUNFIRE, DOGS BARKING) My dogs! (GUNFIRE) Leonard, I taught your dogs to lay down! It's a great trick.
All you got to do is shoot them through the head.
- (SOBBING) - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Leonard, I (WHIMPERS) I didn't think this was gonna happen.
Hap and Leonard, come out and play! (DRAMATIC PERCUSSIVE MUSIC) Here, buddy, you hungry? There you go.
(ENGINE RUNNING) (DOG BARKING) (POUNDING) Can I help you? Jeez, sorry, sir.
I was told no one lived here anymore.
You got about ten seconds to get off of this property or I'm gonna introduce you to a dog that eats ass faster than salted peanuts.
They're just signs.
Don't you think you're being a little over-dramatic? Ten, nine Okay, I'm leaving.
Ah, ah, ah.
Eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two (ENGINE REVVING) (WHIMPERS) Looks like she did it to you again, huh, Happy? She left you with nothing but the tail lights, baby! She gon' come back, bring the cops with her.
I should get out if I were you.
No, no, no, no.
She's already down in El Paso, man, drinking tequila, rubbing herself on some cowboy's leg.
(GUNFIRE) We got guns in here! Oh, I think the only thing you got, Lenny, is two bullets in your ass, plus the one in Hap's ass so far.
She is just a bunny rabbit, huh, you guys? (GLASS SHATTERING) You two know anything about Eskimos? Huh? I read a book about 'em once.
Did you know they share women? Like, I'm hunting here.
You're hunting there.
I'm far from my home, but I am near yours.
And you are near mine.
You gonna kill us or bore us to death? (GUNFIRE) So these seal clubbers, they share women in igloos and shit, and they just bang each other's wives silly, and they are cool with it, man.
But here's the funny part.
When the men get back, they just check the old lady's teeth.
And if she's been chewing on the other guy's moccasin to soften the leather, all hell breaks loose, man.
There have been murders over that shit.
Which sounds strange to us, right? Because all our grief, it's always over my pussy, your pussy.
It's my pussy.
It's his pussy.
But if you think about it, you can wear teeth out.
You cannot wear out a pussy, guys.
Isn't that something? Now, baby! (INTENSE MUSIC) Come on, bitch! (GRUNTS) (GLASS SHATTERING) (BOTH YELLING) (SCREAMING) (CHOKING) Guns, huh? Who needs guns? (GUNFIRE) Ow! God damn! Come on! (GUNFIRE) Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
Catch a nigger by the toe.
(ENGINE RUNNING) (GUNFIRE) (SCREAMS) Trudy! (PANTING) I got him, didn't I? You came back.
- Hap - Oh, Trudy.
I think I'm shot.
(GROANS) (GRUNTS) Phew, I got to admit I did not see that coming.
That's right.
You can do it.
Come on, Happy, just ease back on the trigger, send me up to my baby.
Oh.
Should've known you wouldn't be able to do it.
Happy.
(CHUCKLES) (GUNFIRE) (PANTING) Come on, buddy.
You got him? Come on.
That's it.
That's it.
In you go.
Room for one more? Good boy, Switch.
- Hap? - Yeah? We gonna make it? I am.
(SCOTT MCKENZIE'S "SAN FRANCISCO" PLAYING) If you're going to San Francisco Oh, oh, Trudy Can you change that? Oh, no.
I don't need it.
I'm starting to like it.
If you're going To San Francisco You're gonna meet some gentle people there For those who come To San Francisco Be sure some flowers in your hair If you come to San Francisco Hap? I have to tell you something.
And you're probably gonna hate me.
After you left, I did something.
Something real, real bad.
I killed Cheep.
I drowned him in the sink.
He reminded me of us.
Of you.
How I was a failure at things.
Told myself I had to move on.
Be my own person.
But when I did, you were still there.
You're always there.
I love you, Hap.
(SOMBER INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) (FAINT BEEPING) See you on the flip side, sugar.
(THUNDER BOOMING) Hell of a night for this.
Don't worry, I'm just here to help.
Oh, thank you, sir.
What's going on here? I don't rightly know.
Might be the transmission.
Oh, yeah.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) The moment we met You had me In a world that's brand new (ENGINE RUNNING) (GLASS SHATTERING) Daddy? Help Daddy? (THUNDER BOOMS) (COUGHS) So you made it.
And you, you too.
How long we been out? Me, three days.
You, longer.
Trudy? Sorry, Hap.
I mean that.
(THUNDER BOOMS) Did you find it? No.
Not for lack of trying.
Goddamn health insurance.
It ain't even paying for half this shit.
Almost lost a kidney.
I heard.
Busted my ass in that damn war, and for what? Almost told them to give me one of yours.
You no good for me, Hap Collins.
Maybe not.
Well It's, um It's good to see you.
- Hap? - Yeah? Remember when I told you you weren't my type? Yeah? Just wanted you to know I meant it.
Thanks.
Hap Collins? Yes, sir.
Jack Divit, FBI.
Sheriff's Office got a statement from you.
Now that you're feeling better, we'd like to get one too.
So now you say your ex-wife, Ms.
Fawst, didn't say why they were searching for the sunken car, is that right? Oh, she just said this, uh, this Howard guy had an interest in it.
Didn't say why.
They were offering up a chunk of change, so we didn't ask.
Must have been a nice chunk of change for you to partner up with your ex-wife's other ex-husband.
Ha, yeah, yeah, it was.
So after the car was recovered, did you find anything special in it? Well, there were, uh Two metal boxes about so big.
They were real secretive about them, though.
Did they pay you what they owe you? Uh, no.
No, sir, they didn't.
No, after the guns came out, Leonard and me were held until Soldier and Angel arrived, and and all hell broke loose.
Does this name Softboy McCall ring a bell? No, I ca I can't say it does.
He was this Howard fella's cellmate in Leavenworth, tied to a bank robber a few decades ago.
Some money came up missing right around the same river.
Oh, well.
I noticed that you have a prison record of your own.
Are we we gonna go to trial or anything for this? I mean, you don't end up in a slaughterhouse like this and not have some talking to do.
You got a good case for self-defense.
Soldier and his partner, this woman, we've had our eye on for quite some time.
That helps.
I think we're done for now.
If anything comes to mind about this money, give me a call? - Happy to.
- Have a good evening.
Appreciate it.
Oh, God damn it.
Here, Switch.
Out.
You okay, boy? (RELAXED GUITAR MUSIC) Oh, sing your song Of love so sweet Tilt in by to the line Whisper along with sandy feet Far away The noisy street Softened by Water line Oh, sing a song Of love so sweet Whisper along With sandy feet Oh, sing your song Of love so sweet Hey.
You don't look so good, Hap.
Yeah, well, I didn't look so good before, so Oh.
How's he doing? Hmm, it's slow, but he's healing.
Mind if I come in? I don't think it's a good idea.
Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you shouldn't come and see him for a while for his sake.
I think it's best if he stays calm and relaxed.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Would you tell him I dropped by? If he asks.
Oh, uh, can you make sure he gets this? Have a good night, Hap.
Yeah.
(MECHANICAL CLICKING) It's taken care of, Mr.
Otis.
Wasn't your boy's fault.
Dumb coon pulled over out there in the dark in a storm, no flares, no lights.
Lucky thing your boy wasn't hurt worse.
Thanks, Tom.
Appreciate it.
Yes, sir, Mr.
Otis.
Your daddy's a good man, Beau.
Don't dwell on this.
Accidents happen.
Put it behind you, huh? All right, sir.
(THUNDER BOOMING) (SLOW PIANO MUSIC) Dance on the table Hey, lately, I'm a mess You called me the perfect fool Now by damn, I'll be the best Every scene is someone's dream In someone else's way But a different faith is coming It could be my saving grace New chance You get on so while you dance Now that the tavern's gone this cold I'm often swayed Mama, some things just won't change I ain't got a move that you don't know I just meant to slightly fool you (SPUTTERS) (COUGHS) You look ridiculous.
And you've been feeding my damn dog too much, making him fat.
When'd they let you out? Yesterday.
How's your, uh your, uh, kidney? It hurts.
Raoul was right.
You look like shit.
Well, that's nice of him.
Where is the little ray of sunshine, with you? We're taking a break right now.
Again? You know me and him.
That little bugger always hanging around getting on my damn nerve.
Anyway, thanks for the records.
You working? Roses, you know, a couple of days a week.
Them Mexicans? Yeah, they got a better offer.
How long you been like this, Hap? A while.
You okay? Yeah, getting there, you know.
Well, anyway, I I stopped by to ask you for a favor.
Yeah? Need you to accompany me to a funeral and help me pick out a suit.
Sometime in the fire Sometime In the fire Sweet Jesus, he carry me Sometime In the fire Sometime in the water Sometime in the water Sweet Jesus, he carry me Sometime In the water When I hear That mournful sound Sometime in the fire "Yea, though I walk through the valley "of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, "for thou art with me.
"Thou prepareth a table before me in the presence "of mine enemies.
Thou anointest my head with oil.
" You got your tag on, Slick.
"Surely, goodness and mercy" Sorry.
"Shall follow me all the days of my life.
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
" ALL: Amen.
You're the only family I got now, Hap.
Sometime in the water Sometime in the water I thought your place was a dump.
Well, it looks like he had more practice.
Did he ever throw anything out? Just me.
Seen roaches big enough in here to own property.
Why don't you just help me carry the trash out? Whatcha thinking? Maybe I'll spend the night, go through his stuff, see what's in the basement before the county get here.
I should be good for coupons for a while.
I don't suppose I could ask you to spend the night with me.
What if I said no? Long walk home.
You remember "Leave It to Beaver"? If you're gonna tell the Beaver joke, I already heard it.
Always ended it with Beaver and Wally.
And they'd sum up what it was about and all they'd learned.
And so they could move on to next week's show with no baggage.
So? Well, life just ain't like that.
No.
No, it ain't.
Good night, Wally.
Good night, Beav.
No more drama for a while.
I miss him too.
I think mine went straight through.
Mine didn't.
Another fine mess you got us into.
I told you she wasn't no good.
I'll make it up to you.
Please, next life? When we get out of this.
We ain't getting out of here, Hap.
Not alive.
Where the hell is he? I don't know.
Out there somewhere waiting to shoot our asses off.
You got any guns here? They're all in the back of the car at the hippie compound.
What, all of them? What, now you like guns? (GUNFIRE, DOGS BARKING) My dogs! (GUNFIRE) Leonard, I taught your dogs to lay down! It's a great trick.
All you got to do is shoot them through the head.
- (SOBBING) - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Leonard, I (WHIMPERS) I didn't think this was gonna happen.
Hap and Leonard, come out and play! (DRAMATIC PERCUSSIVE MUSIC) Here, buddy, you hungry? There you go.
(ENGINE RUNNING) (DOG BARKING) (POUNDING) Can I help you? Jeez, sorry, sir.
I was told no one lived here anymore.
You got about ten seconds to get off of this property or I'm gonna introduce you to a dog that eats ass faster than salted peanuts.
They're just signs.
Don't you think you're being a little over-dramatic? Ten, nine Okay, I'm leaving.
Ah, ah, ah.
Eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two (ENGINE REVVING) (WHIMPERS) Looks like she did it to you again, huh, Happy? She left you with nothing but the tail lights, baby! She gon' come back, bring the cops with her.
I should get out if I were you.
No, no, no, no.
She's already down in El Paso, man, drinking tequila, rubbing herself on some cowboy's leg.
(GUNFIRE) We got guns in here! Oh, I think the only thing you got, Lenny, is two bullets in your ass, plus the one in Hap's ass so far.
She is just a bunny rabbit, huh, you guys? (GLASS SHATTERING) You two know anything about Eskimos? Huh? I read a book about 'em once.
Did you know they share women? Like, I'm hunting here.
You're hunting there.
I'm far from my home, but I am near yours.
And you are near mine.
You gonna kill us or bore us to death? (GUNFIRE) So these seal clubbers, they share women in igloos and shit, and they just bang each other's wives silly, and they are cool with it, man.
But here's the funny part.
When the men get back, they just check the old lady's teeth.
And if she's been chewing on the other guy's moccasin to soften the leather, all hell breaks loose, man.
There have been murders over that shit.
Which sounds strange to us, right? Because all our grief, it's always over my pussy, your pussy.
It's my pussy.
It's his pussy.
But if you think about it, you can wear teeth out.
You cannot wear out a pussy, guys.
Isn't that something? Now, baby! (INTENSE MUSIC) Come on, bitch! (GRUNTS) (GLASS SHATTERING) (BOTH YELLING) (SCREAMING) (CHOKING) Guns, huh? Who needs guns? (GUNFIRE) Ow! God damn! Come on! (GUNFIRE) Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
Catch a nigger by the toe.
(ENGINE RUNNING) (GUNFIRE) (SCREAMS) Trudy! (PANTING) I got him, didn't I? You came back.
- Hap - Oh, Trudy.
I think I'm shot.
(GROANS) (GRUNTS) Phew, I got to admit I did not see that coming.
That's right.
You can do it.
Come on, Happy, just ease back on the trigger, send me up to my baby.
Oh.
Should've known you wouldn't be able to do it.
Happy.
(CHUCKLES) (GUNFIRE) (PANTING) Come on, buddy.
You got him? Come on.
That's it.
That's it.
In you go.
Room for one more? Good boy, Switch.
- Hap? - Yeah? We gonna make it? I am.
(SCOTT MCKENZIE'S "SAN FRANCISCO" PLAYING) If you're going to San Francisco Oh, oh, Trudy Can you change that? Oh, no.
I don't need it.
I'm starting to like it.
If you're going To San Francisco You're gonna meet some gentle people there For those who come To San Francisco Be sure some flowers in your hair If you come to San Francisco Hap? I have to tell you something.
And you're probably gonna hate me.
After you left, I did something.
Something real, real bad.
I killed Cheep.
I drowned him in the sink.
He reminded me of us.
Of you.
How I was a failure at things.
Told myself I had to move on.
Be my own person.
But when I did, you were still there.
You're always there.
I love you, Hap.
(SOMBER INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC) (FAINT BEEPING) See you on the flip side, sugar.
(THUNDER BOOMING) Hell of a night for this.
Don't worry, I'm just here to help.
Oh, thank you, sir.
What's going on here? I don't rightly know.
Might be the transmission.
Oh, yeah.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) The moment we met You had me In a world that's brand new (ENGINE RUNNING) (GLASS SHATTERING) Daddy? Help Daddy? (THUNDER BOOMS) (COUGHS) So you made it.
And you, you too.
How long we been out? Me, three days.
You, longer.
Trudy? Sorry, Hap.
I mean that.
(THUNDER BOOMS) Did you find it? No.
Not for lack of trying.
Goddamn health insurance.
It ain't even paying for half this shit.
Almost lost a kidney.
I heard.
Busted my ass in that damn war, and for what? Almost told them to give me one of yours.
You no good for me, Hap Collins.
Maybe not.
Well It's, um It's good to see you.
- Hap? - Yeah? Remember when I told you you weren't my type? Yeah? Just wanted you to know I meant it.
Thanks.
Hap Collins? Yes, sir.
Jack Divit, FBI.
Sheriff's Office got a statement from you.
Now that you're feeling better, we'd like to get one too.
So now you say your ex-wife, Ms.
Fawst, didn't say why they were searching for the sunken car, is that right? Oh, she just said this, uh, this Howard guy had an interest in it.
Didn't say why.
They were offering up a chunk of change, so we didn't ask.
Must have been a nice chunk of change for you to partner up with your ex-wife's other ex-husband.
Ha, yeah, yeah, it was.
So after the car was recovered, did you find anything special in it? Well, there were, uh Two metal boxes about so big.
They were real secretive about them, though.
Did they pay you what they owe you? Uh, no.
No, sir, they didn't.
No, after the guns came out, Leonard and me were held until Soldier and Angel arrived, and and all hell broke loose.
Does this name Softboy McCall ring a bell? No, I ca I can't say it does.
He was this Howard fella's cellmate in Leavenworth, tied to a bank robber a few decades ago.
Some money came up missing right around the same river.
Oh, well.
I noticed that you have a prison record of your own.
Are we we gonna go to trial or anything for this? I mean, you don't end up in a slaughterhouse like this and not have some talking to do.
You got a good case for self-defense.
Soldier and his partner, this woman, we've had our eye on for quite some time.
That helps.
I think we're done for now.
If anything comes to mind about this money, give me a call? - Happy to.
- Have a good evening.
Appreciate it.
Oh, God damn it.
Here, Switch.
Out.
You okay, boy? (RELAXED GUITAR MUSIC) Oh, sing your song Of love so sweet Tilt in by to the line Whisper along with sandy feet Far away The noisy street Softened by Water line Oh, sing a song Of love so sweet Whisper along With sandy feet Oh, sing your song Of love so sweet Hey.
You don't look so good, Hap.
Yeah, well, I didn't look so good before, so Oh.
How's he doing? Hmm, it's slow, but he's healing.
Mind if I come in? I don't think it's a good idea.
Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you shouldn't come and see him for a while for his sake.
I think it's best if he stays calm and relaxed.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Would you tell him I dropped by? If he asks.
Oh, uh, can you make sure he gets this? Have a good night, Hap.
Yeah.
(MECHANICAL CLICKING) It's taken care of, Mr.
Otis.
Wasn't your boy's fault.
Dumb coon pulled over out there in the dark in a storm, no flares, no lights.
Lucky thing your boy wasn't hurt worse.
Thanks, Tom.
Appreciate it.
Yes, sir, Mr.
Otis.
Your daddy's a good man, Beau.
Don't dwell on this.
Accidents happen.
Put it behind you, huh? All right, sir.
(THUNDER BOOMING) (SLOW PIANO MUSIC) Dance on the table Hey, lately, I'm a mess You called me the perfect fool Now by damn, I'll be the best Every scene is someone's dream In someone else's way But a different faith is coming It could be my saving grace New chance You get on so while you dance Now that the tavern's gone this cold I'm often swayed Mama, some things just won't change I ain't got a move that you don't know I just meant to slightly fool you (SPUTTERS) (COUGHS) You look ridiculous.
And you've been feeding my damn dog too much, making him fat.
When'd they let you out? Yesterday.
How's your, uh your, uh, kidney? It hurts.
Raoul was right.
You look like shit.
Well, that's nice of him.
Where is the little ray of sunshine, with you? We're taking a break right now.
Again? You know me and him.
That little bugger always hanging around getting on my damn nerve.
Anyway, thanks for the records.
You working? Roses, you know, a couple of days a week.
Them Mexicans? Yeah, they got a better offer.
How long you been like this, Hap? A while.
You okay? Yeah, getting there, you know.
Well, anyway, I I stopped by to ask you for a favor.
Yeah? Need you to accompany me to a funeral and help me pick out a suit.
Sometime in the fire Sometime In the fire Sweet Jesus, he carry me Sometime In the fire Sometime in the water Sometime in the water Sweet Jesus, he carry me Sometime In the water When I hear That mournful sound Sometime in the fire "Yea, though I walk through the valley "of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, "for thou art with me.
"Thou prepareth a table before me in the presence "of mine enemies.
Thou anointest my head with oil.
" You got your tag on, Slick.
"Surely, goodness and mercy" Sorry.
"Shall follow me all the days of my life.
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
" ALL: Amen.
You're the only family I got now, Hap.
Sometime in the water Sometime in the water I thought your place was a dump.
Well, it looks like he had more practice.
Did he ever throw anything out? Just me.
Seen roaches big enough in here to own property.
Why don't you just help me carry the trash out? Whatcha thinking? Maybe I'll spend the night, go through his stuff, see what's in the basement before the county get here.
I should be good for coupons for a while.
I don't suppose I could ask you to spend the night with me.
What if I said no? Long walk home.
You remember "Leave It to Beaver"? If you're gonna tell the Beaver joke, I already heard it.
Always ended it with Beaver and Wally.
And they'd sum up what it was about and all they'd learned.
And so they could move on to next week's show with no baggage.
So? Well, life just ain't like that.
No.
No, it ain't.
Good night, Wally.
Good night, Beav.
No more drama for a while.