Happy! (2017) s02e04 Episode Script


1 - Previously, on "Happy!" - "Easter Under Siege.
" We're a hit, baby! I run the third-largest network in the nation.
I have everything a man could wish for.
What about the things a man shouldn't wish for? You're firing me.
You don't give me any choice! There is something inside me.
I'm done being everyone's bitch, Dr.
You know you are a dead man, Blue rat.
You, me, under the bleachers.
No! Help me! You almost got hurt back there.
Looking for these? You knew I needed money for Hailey's school.
You used me, Mer.
- Yeah, I did.
- Yeah.
This very simple "B and E" of yours, it turned out not to be quite so simple.
Sonny Shine.
- A few guards showed up.
- And? And I'm standing here with the tapes.
Proof is on these tapes.
The people on these tapes protect him.
He goes down, they go down.
Holy guacamole, it's Dayglo Doug! Who the fuck's Dayglo Doug? Here we go! Abracadabra! - Bunny! - Ow, oh! I'm Julius Caesar! You can't do this to me! Say something sweet and eat something sour.
Magic and laughs on the "Dayglo Doug Power Hour"! Yeah! Hey, there! Uh, no, no, no, no.
No applause.
No applause.
I am not worthy.
Thank you.
- We love you! - Yeah! We love you, Doug! And it's that love that has made "The Dayglo Doug Power Hour" the top-rated cable-access kid's show in the greater Toledo area.
And only a handful of shows can make that claim.
But The time has come for old Doug to hang up his hat.
This will be the last day I host the "Dayglo Doug Power Hour.
" Aww, no! Before I get too emotional I wanna introduce you to the new host of the power hour, and your new best friend Sonny Shine! Dayglo Doug, everybody! His best trick? Vanishing from his own show.
But seriously, Doug.
Now you'll have plenty of time to devote to your passions.
You may not know it, but our buddy Doug is quite the aficionado on a little something you might have studied in school: World War II.
Look it up.
But I've been thinking, Double-D.
Will you even have time to join us as a guest star? Sure, that that'd be super.
But then I think about Episode 186.
"Episode 186"? The Band-Aid episode? Correcto.
Where you taught us all how tearing off the Band-Aid quickly was really the only healthy way to move forward.
Isn't that right, kids? And now, let's cue the music.
Because we'd all like to remember you just the way you are.
Oh, fatherland, fatherland Show us a sign Your children are waiting to see The morning will come When the world Is mine Tomorrow belongs To me Doug? Doug, one question for the aficionado before you go: About how tall would you say Winston Churchill was? Churchill? About that tall.
Imagine it: Dayglo Doug was there when Sonny started.
What's the world, uh, when you're part of history? - "Fossil.
" - Yeah, Sax, I get it.
He's old.
What's your point? I dunno, let's see: He's senile, wears leotards.
No, sounds like a slam-dunk witness to build the foundation of your case on.
Top flight police work, Mer, digging up this gem.
It's not my case.
It's ours.
Remember? We're here.
Cut my beard off after 9/11.
And you're here to see? Doug Thorn.
Thorn doesn't take visitors.
He'll make an exception.
Did you get that out of a Cracker Jack box? It was my dad's.
You really stepped in number two with that one, Nick.
I'll step on you.
What's the matter? Old people.
What? They don't like me, I don't like them.
And that whole building is filled with them.
You smell that? That's them.
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, psst.
Hey, pal, pal.
- Hey, hey, you mind? - For residents only.
Yeah, I got a blood sugar thing.
If you're hungry, there's a vending machine in the restroom.
"The restroom"? Fuck this place.
Geez! Are you my son? Dr.
Kevorkian's that way.
Thank you.
Uh, for my next trick, I would like you to look at this hat.
What do you see inside? Nothing, right? Is that really Dayglo Doug? He looks different.
Get to the Polish jokes! There's your star witness.
I will punch you in the throat.
So, man comes home from work with a duck under his arm.
His wife answers the door.
"This is the pig I've been fucking," the man says.
The wife says, "That's a duck, not a pig.
" The man says, "I'm not talking to you.
" I don't get it.
I was going to close this set by cutting a woman in half.
Unfortunately my assistant passed away this morning, so I would like to dedicate today's show to Gladys.
She died as she lived.
Showing off her box for a nickel? Mr.
Thorn? May we have a few words? Ugh Big as a baby's arm with an apple in its fist.
I think the word you're looking for is "jumbo.
" I'm immune to flattery.
And disease.
Now spill it, cops.
Who violated my inner sanctum? There's a loaded question.
Can we talk openly? Dario doesn't understand a lick of English.
Hold still.
TBH we, uh, don't have a lot to go on.
And by that we mean "nada surf.
" And seeing as how you wiped the whole place clean before we got here Well, this crime scene's got more blood traces than Chicago on St.
Valentine's Day.
But no bodies.
The only witness was your wife.
She fingered the pool boy.
Don't remind me.
Who she says was here with a little blue unicorn.
With wings.
Bebe's last coherent thought was during the Carter administration.
You're missing the point.
This is not an official investigation.
There will be no official reports of any stiffs on my grounds.
There will be no official statements taken from my smoking hot wife or anyone else.
But I do expect a very firm, hard, unofficial look into who the hell effed up my effigy! That's why you two are unofficially here! Is that clear? As Mother Teresa's urine test.
Ain't what I heard.
Magnifico! No, no! I want it to look like the roots of a banyan tree.
Sonny Shine? No sir-ee.
Sorry, can't help you.
I am not gonna say one word about him.
"El zippo.
" We're investigating some serious crimes, Mr.
A child kidnapping ring, murder, extortion.
Yeah, that sounds like Sonny.
You two don't look like cops.
We're undercover.
Deep cover.
I said it's deep, that's all.
I can tell you want to talk to me, Doug.
What are you afraid of? Me? Everything.
Heights, spider plants, three-legged jeans.
He's still got it.
Oh, he's still got it, all right.
I just hope you can't catch it.
Listen, I can offer you police protection.
A new identity.
"New identity.
" That's a laugher.
All I ever wanted was my old one back.
The rat bastard stole everything from me.
Yeah, yeah.
Sure isn't like the old days, is it? Not like when the "Dayglo Doug Power Hour" was the number one kid's local access show in the greater Toledo area.
You were big, Doug.
I was.
I was big, wasn't I? Johnny "Wadd" Holmes big.
Milton Berle big.
Give me a home Where the buffalo roam And the deer and the antelope And seldom is heard Shh.
A discouraging word You know, I was there to hear the great Caruso make his professional debut.
Now I've got to listen to this shit.
Do you not know the meaning of "solitary confinement"? It's meant to be just me in here! Mm.
Perhaps you're confused which seems to happen so very easily.
So to elucidate, you are trapped in this prison.
I am trapped in you.
"Trapped"? Well, then, just get out.
I bequeath you freedom.
Mm, if only.
But even the demigods are constrained by certain earthly limitations.
Bloodlines and all that.
You know.
I did try and hop into your charming sister.
Much more fun body to play around in.
Even came with its own television show.
But we both know how that little harlequin art came to an end.
This is madness! I gotta get out of here! It's not such a bad place for us, this.
At least until I get my strength back.
Pottery Shop.
And all these impressionable, homicidal minds to sway.
And as I get my strength back, you'll have more and more blackouts until life is one long, continuous blackout.
Now, won't that be nice? No more waking up like a Kennedy, wondering "Who did I sodomize? Whom did I kill?" And what'll happen then? By then, I'll have built an army.
I meant what will happen to me.
Uh, it's it's a great surprise.
Don't get me wrong, I like this new rebel Amanda.
This "let's get crazy and ditch work, good girl gone bad" Amanda.
You're joking, but honestly I know me.
And these days, I haven't felt like her at all.
It's strange even talking about it.
Not at all.
Talking it out is the best way to deal with stress.
That and a little hot yoga.
I don't think hot yoga's gonna fix it.
I got fired, Simon.
Seriously? That's great.
Um I was right out of college in Seattle when the first big dot-com boom hit.
I found myself one of the first employees in a little books-in-the-mail startup.
Amazon? Wow.
No, it was EncyclopediasInTheMail.
Free returns killed us.
So six months later I'm broke, I'm unemployed.
Living in my mother's basement.
I was feeling sorry for myself.
But it forced me to do a lot of soul-searching, Amanda, okay? To figure out what I really want in life.
What's really important.
I realized, for me, it's giving back.
Making a difference.
"Ties Without Borders" was born.
Mm? You feel me? Every setback is an opportunity? To learn something about yourself.
To bring something new into this world.
Joseph Campbell said it best: "Follow your bliss.
" He should know.
He invented frickin' "Star Wars.
" I like that.
"Follow your bliss.
" Yes, yes, yes! Simon! Yes! You see that? Live long enough, there's your reward.
Breaking a hip tripping over your oxygen tank just trying to get to your bedpan.
Why don't more people know about this? How come they never showed it on "The Golden Girls"? Lesbian fairytale.
They are talking to him right now.
Of course, he wasn't "Sonny" back then.
Yeah, he was he was still "Louis Shineberg.
" He used to come to the show, sit in the audience.
He was a superfan, if you know what I mean.
I mean, it comes with the territory in my business.
Don't get me wrong, I love my little Douglets, but after a certain point it gets, you know, a little bit "Superfan-tastic"? Creepy.
- Depressing? - Somewhat.
Go on.
Year after year, he'd show up.
Most kids grew out of it.
Not him.
We made friends.
Sort of.
He said he wanted to be an entertainer, like me.
- But it wasn't until - Until what? You're gonna think I'm some kind of a nut job.
We're the ones who are crazy, not you.
Go ahead, dish.
Those things The Wishees.
I still remember the first time he showed up with them.
The costumes.
The big round fish eyes.
The "fuck me" mouths.
Let's face it, Louis was just a schmuck until those candy-colored abominations came along.
After that, everything changed for him.
Suddenly, he just took whatever he wanted to.
Starting with my show.
Oh, oh, question.
Um, when these, uh, whatever you call them - "Wishees," Nick.
- Sax.
Which I am to understand are basically, uh, shitheads in fuzzy outfits that dance around the stage with Mr.
Shineberg when they, as you say, "showed up" are we saying, like say, for example, from Cleveland? "Cleveland.
" - Cleveland, Ohio.
- Yes.
By way of the Crab Nebula, maybe.
- Ah-ha.
- And they weren't just guys in outfits.
The big guy doesn't seem very bright, so I'm gonna try to make this as simple as I can.
Back in the Etruscan age, this gigantic meteor crashes into Earth All right, that's it.
I'm done.
- Enjoy your interrogation.
- Where the fuck are you going? I'm simply famished, so I'm gonna find where they stashed those pudding cups or die trying.
You, Trigger.
I suggest you come along.
- Your friend is a little - I know.
Keep talking.
You know what they say: "Nothing makes you believe in Hell like Catholic school.
" No, wait! Wait, Hailey.
I'm sorry.
I am so, so sorry for everything that happened.
- Get away from me.
- Don't don't run off, please.
I'm not moving.
See? I'll stay perfectly still.
I wouldn't think of hurting you.
It's it's the opposite.
I I've been protecting you, haven't I? I'm just a boy standing in front of a girl asking her to listen.
I don't blame you for being scared.
This can be very confusing.
Should we sit? Would that be better? I see you've got your lucky keychain.
Maybe you've been thinking about things.
Questions you have for me.
You're supposed to be dead.
" Someone told you that? My parents.
Ah, parents.
They do like making up stories, don't they? Seems that no one wants to tell you the truth these days.
What happened to your eye? You're not the only one who knows what it's like to be bullied.
What if I told you that I was forced to do what I did? There are very awful people in this world, Hailey, and they can make people do very awful things.
Doesn't make it right, but it's the truth.
I was happy when you children were saved by the police.
Those very awful people? Not so much.
As you can see.
I'm sorry, I I can put my glasses back on.
So now we're supposed to be friends? I don't need friends.
I do.
But if that's the way you feel I'm just happy that you're finally hearing the truth.
You've been lied to since the day you were born.
It's about time someone finally What's that supposed to mean? No, no.
I'm not one to open up old wounds.
But you do know the whole story? Your father lied to your mother and then ran out on her.
And then your mother lied to your father about you, and then to you about your father.
I'm not a shrink, but that is a rough place for any kid to start.
I'm going.
Wait! One last thing.
When you get home and see your mother, tell her we met.
Tell her what I said.
Be honest with her.
See what she says.
And if you don't want to be friends, you will never see me again.
But if you do, just say the word and I'll be right there.
While others run in fear from those who've declared war for any on Easter, one man will unite us all In bringing sexy back to Easter.
This year, if we don't celebrate Easter, they win.
Just a taste.
A little, como se dice, flavor, if you will.
This ain't your grandma's Easter, am I right? Well? Kap? What do you think? Go, Kap, go! Whoo-hoo! I think it's fucking brilliant.
Oh, there she is! Who's hungry? If you'd told me one day I'd get to see Dayglo Doug up close and in person, tell the story of how he met Sonny Shine for the first time, well, I would have said, "Holy guacamole, somebody pinch me because this is a dream come true!" But it's not.
Yeah, well, if it's any consolation, that look on your face of soul-crushing disappointment has been the highlight of this whole trip.
Sieg Heil! Dickless freaking Doug.
Some witness.
That's what I get for trusting Mer.
You should be the black one.
I was black last time! I'm not a schwarzer! You be the schwarzer! Is that gonna be us someday, Nick? Frittering away our last days in a place like this, arguing over some silly game? Don't you worry about that, pal.
I'll drink bleach before I let that happen.
Besides, what are you worried about? You haven't even hit the magical "P-word" yet.
" It's Latin for "pubes.
" Six-year period where you part your hair down the middle and your body gets all awkward and, uh, pimply.
At the same, it wants to get naked with other people.
But what if I don't want to grow up? Well, then you're gonna have to file that one under "tough shit.
" Um Have you noticed the staff here is funny? I mean, usually the people they hire in joints like this are, um different.
- "Different" how? - Dominican.
Do you smell popcorn? Oh, hell yeah.
Holy sheisse.
Hey, Mer.
Guess what? Turns out this place is a home for assholes.
Excuse me? Go ahead, tell her.
Some of the people here are a bit colorful.
Yeah, red, white, and black.
We saw the tape, der fuckward.
Look, you know Sonny's M.
I was set up.
If the armband fits.
I am a history buff.
A collector of rare and exotic memorabilia.
I don't belong here with these fascists.
Okay, can someone please explain to me - what the hell is going on? - Nazis, Mer.
The place is stinking with them.
It wasn't enough that he stole my show.
Then he has to twist the knife.
You know, Sonny used to say that the shortest book ever written was the German book of humor? That's why he stuck me here! Don't you think I'd leave if I could? I've been bombing in front of this Stasi scum for a decade.
I mean, you gotta get me out of this place! I can't take another bad review - We're going, come on.
- No, no, no.
We're not actually taking this guy.
You said you would protect me if I talked.
This adult-diaper-wearing war criminal is not getting in my cab.
Hey, I resemble that last remark.
I'm not doing this with you right now.
What is it about this guy? Visiting time, sadly, is over.
So we're gonna have to ask you to leave.
It's time for your pills.
We have some more questions to ask him off-site.
I'm sure you understand.
I don't think so.
You eye-fucking me, Nietzsche? Uh, Nick? Is there a problem, young man? Nothing we can't handle, Herr Zimmer.
- Oh, boy.
- You! Where do you think you're slinking off to? You have a show in 20 minutes.
Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Well, actually, the show starts now.
Blitzkrieg! All right, NYPD! Nobody move! Shit.
Fuck! Doug! Nick! That's my witness.
Lookit, Mer! His bones are so brittle! Ah! Sax, stop killing people! Ah, come on, Mer! They're Nazis! Ouch-witz! Papa never loved me.
Auf Wiedersehen, motherfucker.
"Greatest generation" my ass.
Oh, my God.
Look at what they did to you.
Get off of me! Get off of me! Fuck! Get off of me! Is it true? What? You killed all them Russians in the toilet.
What if it is? It's like It's like you're two different people.
One's warm and loving.
The other's just cold and cruel.
No! No! Don't say that! I'm not two different people! It's just me, and I am I'm Blue! I'm Blue! Orcus.
This is Ow.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You've been so kind to me, and, um I've spurned you.
You haven't, though.
I mean, "spurned.
" - No, I spurned you.
- You really haven't.
I've treated you unkindly, and I'm just I'm scared, Pink.
I need you tell me that That it's me, right? I'm Blue Scaramucci.
T-tell me I'm Blue Scaramucci.
It's you.
That's right.
You're Blue.
You're Blue Scaramucci.
Oh, you nasty little tart.
Go on.
Oh, tell me, tell me.
Who am I? Ooh, Sunny Ooh, Sunny Shine Ooh Sock it to me! Dad, look here! Dad, look! It's Sonny Shine's original shiny mic! I don't know how "original" it is.
It says on the thing! I mean, when I was growing up it was the "Dayglo Doug Power Hour.
" All this stuff is from that show.
I'm sure you can still find the old clips online.
Who likes selfies? Oh, my God! Let's do this! Let's do this.
Come on.
Gather around, everyone.
Give that to me.
Okay, here we are.
Everybody say, "Sonny Shine Easter Live Bonanza Extravaganza With Tony Danza!" All right, all right, y'all better get going.
The Wishee exhibit closes in 20 minutes for fumigation.
Remember, when you post those: #SonnyEaster.
Make Easter great again! And a MEGA day to you, too.
So the procedure is for a root canal on Saturday.
And the payment's been made? - Hailey? - Hi, Dr.
I need to tell my mother something.
It's important.
Hailey, your mother doesn't work here anymore.
But since when? A few days ago.
Sorry, I thought she would have told you.
Lollipop? It's fantastic.
I knew you'd love it.
It's like a 3D version of the inside of my brain.
I know, right? You really are on the level.
You said they weren't guys in suits.
I I'm afraid to ask, but what exactly did you mean by that? Afraid to ask, or afraid of the answer? You ever talk to one of them face to face? Oh, uh, no.
See, about that they don't speak.
What do you mean? I mean, they don't speak.
Like Helen Keller or like a mime? No, no, no.
No, they communicate through telepathy.
- Of course.
- Uh, only Sonny can hear them.
They speak, it goes straight into his brain.
Don't think it would work so well for you, but I'm gonna be in the kitchen.
If you got tinfoil, I can make Doug a new hat.
Who'd believe a guy with a smile like that could be so evil? What, that Mr.
Pussy Pants is a bad guy? - Welcome to the party.
- I couldn't believe it.
Me and Hailey used to But I guess that's all over now.
It's like you said, Nick.
People change.
Everything changes.
Uh, that's right.
That goes for me, too.
Try and knock me off the Try and knock me off the wagon.
Will of iron, pal.
She ain't gonna be happy until I've broken every promise to Amanda and the kid.
And for what, huh? On a wild goose chase with some incontinent Kraut-dog who thinks Sasquatch killed Biggie.
What are we gonna do, Nick? Well, for now, I'm gonna get this jelly open.
I mean about Sunny and and the Wishees.
Doug says Let me tell you something.
Being a grown-up means you've gotta learn that heroism comes in a lot of different forms, one of them being not being a hero.
Capische? Nick, you don't really believe that.
This is what I believe in.
Being there for that kid.
Trying to give her some kind of normal life after everything she has been through.
And, you know, we got too many freaks in leotards in our lives for my taste.
Fuck them all.
I killed it.
I know I did.
Nothing bleeds that much and walks away.
But when I went back, it was gone.
Something moved the body.
I had a feeling the place would be wiped clean before forensics got there.
What they don't know is I took some of whatever it was that came out of that thing.
You have its blood? Where is it? Well, I had it in here under a lamp.
Then it started moving, like it was trying to get out.
No, no, no.
You're supposed to keep it cold.
I figured that.
I put it in a jelly jar, I stuck it in the fridge.
Oh, man, I needed that.
I tell you I got a blood sugar thing? Sweet boneless Jesus.
This is Captain Turdwell.
We are experiencing uncontrollable explosive thrust in both engines! Prepare for water landing! How about a courtesy flush? Whoo! Ow! Sax! Go back to hell! You must be Rin Tin Tikki Tavi walking in here.
If I can forgive you sending six of your chums in to kill me, then surely surely you can forgive me for merely drowning them all in the toilet.
Besides, I'm here to make you an offer that you simply cannot refuse.
There are those that would give their right hand to work with me.
Just because you talk like Liam Neeson This does not make you Liam Neeson.
In ages past, it was customary to sacrifice black sheep in my name.
And then should make a lovely, big pot of stew.
Not unlike this one.
Maybe you young pioneers are more familiar with the Bible than you are with the Roman texts.
Yeah? For example "He who fails to find me injures himself.
" The fuck? "And if your hand should cause you to sin " "Cut it off.
Throw it away.
" And what is that other verse? Oh, yes.
"Beware of the dogs, "beware of the evil workers " "And beware of false circumcision.
" Now, here's the Bible almost repeating itself, but not quite, and the difference is crucial.
"If your eye causes you to sin " Eat shit, demon! "Tear it out.
Throw it away.
" I am so taken by you guys.
I really, really am.
I walked in here and immediately I'm saying to myself, "Oh, yes, yes.
Here are some proper nasty boys.
" My name is Orcus.
Anything? Uh, as far as the residents go, they're practically dead to begin with.
Well We're nowhere on who took the tape collection.
But I think I might have a bead on who took Dayglo Doug.
A terrorist? Shine's gonna want to see this.
Mom? Oh.
Hi, sweetheart.
You're home a little late.
Yeah, work was kind of a madhouse.
It's the busiest time of the year down at the clinic.
Few months after Valentine's.
Now, how was your day? How was school? Make any new friends? Maybe one.