Happy Endings s01e09 Episode Script


So the boy in The Sixth Sense, he dies at the end? No, the sixth sense is love.
Guys, spoilers.
The movie's 1 2 years old, bro.
Oh, you're never gonna believe who l ran into today at the drug store.
An old lady buying shampoo? A guy who works in the drug store? Yes.
Also, Mr.
Fitzgerald, my favorite high school teacher.
He was the coolest.
l mean, he used to let us call him Alan.
Okay, Dave had two pictures in his locker, Neve Campbell and Mr.
He taught us that comic books were just as literary as novels.
He wore sandals to class.
Pump the brakes, Read Poet Society.
He used to say to me, ''Dave, chase your dreams.
Don't let your dreams chase you.
'' We get it, he touched you.
Really? It's not your fault, Dave.
Dave, it's not your fault.
Stop Good Will Hunting me.
ln fact, stop comparing me to Robin Williams movies, period.
Come on, we just opened up.
What's happening here? It's a new coffee shop, Nick's Coffee and Tea.
The neighborhood could use a good coffee shop.
It's not a shop, it's a chain.
We got over 300 stores on the West Coast alone.
Alex, a coffee chain is a clear indication of gentrification.
Do you know what that means? Pumpkin lattes, bro.
It means our rent goes up.
It means organic grocery stores.
It means families, Dave.
Aah, warm buttermilk scones.
Alex, you of all people should be concerned about this.
A chain store is the number one enemy of the small business owner like yourself.
You're right.
l never thought about that before.
You know the first coffee l ever had was in Fitzgerald's class? He let us drink it during great books discussions.
Show me on the cup, man, where he touched you.
Dave, this sandwich is bananas.
Thanks, Pen.
l just wish business would pick up, you know? Well, success takes time.
''Roam'' by the B-52s wasn't written in a day.
You know what you should do for publicity? You should enter that big food truck competition they have every year.
The Truckies? Yeah.
My sandwiches aren't flashy enough.
Not like that damn Bahn Mi truck and their stupid, delicious, tangy mayo.
No way! Mr.
Fitzgerald! Call me Alan.
Still a thrill.
l'm so glad you decided to come by.
Uh, you remember my friend, Penny Hartz, from high school? How could l forget? You were so intense and misunderstood.
l really was.
So this is for you.
l don't know if you noticed the old truck here, but l'm kind of living my dream, you know, like Kerouac.
My office is on the road.
Dave, this is really good.
You know what would take it to the next level? This si-io khao tamarind slaw that l learned to make when l was building orphanages in Phuket.
Ooh, exotic.
The legend has it that the locals used it as a powerful aphrodisiac.
But if the measurements are even slightly off, it becomes a potent diuretic.
l really think that those flavors would intensify the taste of this steak.
Then exotic slaw might be just what l need to take my sandwich to the next level.
Sounds slawsome.
l don't know why l said that.
That's a great joke.
Yeah? l think that, uh, you sound slawsome.
l've interviewed, like, seven people for this intern position and nobody comes in prepared.
You're gonna have to work with this person every day.
Forget prepared.
Pick someone cool.
Oh, yeah, great.
l'm nine hours past the deadline on a project but it's all good because l got Jay Mohr with me, doing bits.
Why is Jay Mohr always your go-to for cool? Brad, only idiots hire people based on charm.
Then every boss l've ever had is an idiot, because l'm all charm, baby.
l'm Lance Charmstrong.
l'm so charming, my mom breast-fed me for an extra year.
You are just lucky you have never been up against me for a job because prepared beats charm any day of the week.
Agree to disagree.
Agree to disagree.
Hold up.
Check out Max, making gay stuff happen.
Oh, don't mind if you do.
Here's my number.
It's not fake, either.
l will call this, and use an offensively Asian accent.
Like, a really racist one.
Good for you.
Anyway, l'm Max.
Call me.
Oh, he needs a boyfriend.
l am tired of holding him during thunderstorms.
l got digits.
Looks like someone has a reason to get their cell phone turned back on.
l'm not paying for it.
Please, l have no money, Brad.
ls this not like having the Thai festival of Songkran right in your mouth? Yes.
This slaw will definitely help me compete at the Truckies.
l'm gonna do it.
Tell you what, l'll come by the day off and make a big batch of slaw with you.
You would do that for me? Of course.
You were my favorite student.
l knew it.
All right, l'm gonna go wash the si-io khao off my hands.
l smell like Koh Kor Mountain.
He's so cool.
l know.
Did he just say he smells like a coke whore mountain? Hey, quick download, Alan asked me out.
ls that cool with you? Penny, Alan was a huge part of my life.
We spent hours together after school.
He taught me about books, art and love.
He didn't touch me, but he was always there for me.
So not really clear what my marching orders are.
Can l go out with him? Only if you wanna do the most awesome thing in the world.
ls that a yes? l'm trying to follow.
So when gay guys hook up, do they call each other ''dude?'' Like, ''Dude, your lips are so soft,'' or, ''Your mustache is tickling my navel, dog.
'' - You're an idiot.
But yeah, we do that.
- Max.
Knew it.
Hey, Max, you were so right, okay? Nick's is a real threat.
They've already hired baristas away from three local coffee shops.
So l talked to some local small business owners.
We are gonna meet tomorrow night and come up with a plan of action.
l am gonna be an agent of chaos.
And l'm bringing lemon bars.
Come on, Max.
You could be my Gay Guevara.
Hate that nickname, addicted to lemon bars.
l'm in.
Let's go, you little munchkin.
We are going to take them down.
So l figured out a way to find out who's better at interviews.
We both interview at that coffee shop.
Alex said they're hiring.
Whoever gets the job, wins.
Usual bet? The usual bet.
l'm in.
No one cares about the little guy.
The chain hardware stores are killing me.
My business is down forty percent.
Scott, l think part of that has something to do with the fact that you got caught selling dolphin meat.
All right, what are we gonna do about it? We kill them.
Sell their meat.
Tell people it's tuna.
l love your enthusiasm, but, you know, maybe we should start small.
Like, what about a petition? l meant to do that.
Okay, l didn't mean to do that, but l'm glad it happened.
A petition? l mean, what are we talking about here? Do you have a better idea? l got about a thousand better ideas.
l've got a long history of civil disobedience.
Save the Sloppy Joes at Westfield.
Save the Sloppy Joes at Westfield.
Here's what we're gonna do.
Bring it in.
Get real tight.
Everybody take a knee.
Front row, take a knee.
Real tight.
Sorry to bother you, l'm gonna need to take another knee.
Take both knees, Scottie.
Okay, here's what l think we should - l feel like we're not tight in this-- - We're tight.
- We're not tight in here.
- What's the idea? How do you like the moqueca capixaba? Oh, if that is this thing, l like it very much.
Oh, it's great.
You have been to so many glamorous places.
Why would you come back here? Right now, l'm working my way through four bucket lists, and it's left me a little strapped for cash, so l gotta crash with my sister and her dumb husband, Mike, the successful tax attorney.
''Mike, if you don't want guests, don't build a guest house, you idiot.
'' Mm.
You know, Dave is just so excited that you're here.
l mean, you really inspired him.
Mm, yeah, that's my jam.
Alan Fitzgerald, mind-shaper.
And Dave Reynolds has always been one of my favorites.
Dave Rose.
Dave Rhodes.
That's what l'm saying, Rhodes.
You say it: Rhodes.
We're saying the same thing.
No, we're not.
Excuse me? Yes, sir? Hi.
Can l get another bottle of Malbec, please? Okay.
By the way, l don't have any money, but l'm gonna pay you back in poems.
That girl's cute.
ls that your boyfriend? - It's her husband, l think.
- Excuse me? Oh.
My fault.
So how cool is Alan? Oh, so cool.
Like, brr, l need a jacket.
l knew it.
What's he like on a date? What did he say to you right before he kissed you? Was it the best line ever? Oh, yeah.
He said, ''l have the need, the need for speed.
'' That is so awesome.
Ha, ha.
What? What? Oh, my God, l'm so happy for you.
Oh, this guy, he might be the one.
Hey, thanks for walking me to work.
Save me from the walk of shame.
Why? l'm a gentleman.
Plus l need to get some shampoo.
l've been washing my hair with hand sanitizer for the past three weeks.
Yeah, well.
This is me.
Oh, you work here? Not really.
Uh, actually-- Good, because this place just-- l'm the owner.
One place l really wanna go in and enjoy.
So you own this place in the sense that you, like, own it? Put all my savings into it.
It sucks, though.
Local businesses are not exactly welcoming.
They've been passing out flyers, trying to organize a boycott.
l even think they're the ones who harassed my cousin Tim.
Hey, man.
We don't like your kind around here.
- What? - Not so grande now? Whoa, whoa! Scott! Don't say my name! Scott, what are you doing? My name's not Scott! - He's turtling! He's turtling! - He's turtling! Scott! My name's not Scott! You shouldn't have said my name.
Why do you have a switchblade? Because l couldn't find my gun.
So it turns out Dave's hero, Mr.
Fitzgerald, is a full-on douche, and Dave can't see it.
Penny, l can't live without you! l want everybody to know.
Alan, l told you l don't wanna go out with you again.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
l wrote you a poem.
It's called ''Can You Make Me a Grilled Cheese Sandwich.
'' Are you drunk? It's 1 0:00 a.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
l need to speak with you about something very important.
Okay, what? What's up? Oh, Alan, get out of my hallway.
You leave my hallway and come with me to Madagascar.
Right now.
You need to sober up and get to work on that slaw for Dave, okay? The Truckies are in four hours.
Truck, the Truckies.
This is about me and you hanging out and you writing me a check for, like, a grand, tops.
Besides, who cares about anybody else? Dave cares, okay? He cares so much about you and your opinion.
Obviously you're very concerned about this Dave guy.
l want you to know that l am totally open to a three-way.
Oh, my God.
That was my penis.
Dave has always had a blind spot for that guy.
l don't like him.
l do not trust teachers who refuse to give out letter grades.
l get it, we're all snowflakes.
But some of us are better, smarter snowflakes who studied for the test.
She was that girl in high school.
l know.
So l got my resume all laminated and updated for the big interview.
This is my resume.
Couple of jokes, couple of, ''You been hitting the P90X?'' Then when he doesn't know what the P90X is, l'm like, ''Bro, you gotta hit the P90X now.
'' Then just some dude stuff, then l get the job.
Oh, really? Yeah.
Can you tell the difference between all four of these beans? Because they could not be more different.
They are all coffee.
So in that sense, they could be more different.
Ha, ha.
That's the charm right there.
Who would you hire? Ooh, l don't care.
Hey, Al, could l talk to you for a second? Max, you ready for the protest? Yeah, totally.
About that, let's cancel it, go see a movie.
There's a new one out that Peter Travers says is a ''Stage five thrillicane.
'' Let's get serious.
We gotta go.
Actually, l've also been doing a ton of research and it turns out that Nick's Coffee is a super-cool company, which l did not know, and they give a ton of money to African kids, and they're, like, flying out all these refugees to Boca-- All right, you beat it out of me.
l'm dating the owner, and he's so cool.
l am in a serious ''you've got male'' situation, male spelled M-A-L-E.
l can't believe this.
l know, it's dazzling word play.
l'm the Peter Travers of complicated gay relationships.
l'm also a sellout.
Well, you know, l'm a sellout too.
You see these signs? l got the poster boards at Office Plus.
The prices are unreal.
l know.
So you're not mad at me? No.
You like a boy.
That is totally the funnest thing to sell out for.
You're the best.
You like a boy.
You like a boy.
Now you're the worst, very quickly.
Okay, we have to stop this protest and save the day for love.
Whoa, l never said anything about love.
Come on.
For love! For like.
For love! Like.
What up, Dave? Hey.
Mm, that marinade smells amazing.
We're all so psyched to see you kick ass at the Truckies.
l'm almost ready to go.
Just waiting on Alan to get here to make the slaw, but it's no big deal.
He's just a few half-hours late, but-- Dave, l just want you to know, you've got a really great sandwich, with or without that slaw.
There's gonna be slaw.
Why wouldn't there be slaw? What l'm trying to say is, Alan might not come today because he may not be as great of a guy as you think he is.
Penny, l know what you're doing, all right? l talked to Alan.
You're just hurt because he broke it off with you.
What? Yeah.
Guys like me and him, we're free spirits, you know? We gotta be free to roam.
We gotta be free to-- That is so weird, l promise l will never do that again.
Dave, you are nothing like Alan, okay? He's a douche who's broke, and he's stupid because he doesn't realize how awesome you are.
He does realize how awesome l am, okay? He's gonna be at the Truckies.
lf that's too weird for you, then maybe you shouldn't come.
You'd rather have him there than me? No, Pen.
It's just he's bringing the slaw.
Hey, Mr.
Fitzge-- Alan.
Don't wanna tie you down, but l'm just calling to check on the slaw.
Um, l'm gonna go set up, but l'm gonna leave everything here for you, and you can just let yourself in and do your thing.
Really hope to see you, all right? Love you.
Just, you know, that Miss you.
You know what? You just keep on trucking.
Okay, Kevin and Steve, you both have MBAs, that's really impressive.
And, um l'm sorry It's Brad.
Brad, uh, you didn't hand in a resume, any reason for that? Uh, do l have something on my face? You, me, couple of steaks, Bulls game, l don't know, batting cages? So l'm gonna take that as a no, you don't have a paper resume.
Here is my resume, in triplicate.
Take them all.
ls there gonna be a competition where we need to smell the beans and guess where they're from? Because l bought my own blindfold.
l don't know what that means.
Maybe l should interview you.
Two-parter, one, where do you see yourself in five years? Two, how did l help you get there? So, just let me know when it's time to smell the beans.
There's the blindfold you were talking about.
You look fantastic, guys.
Maybe you two aren't right for this company.
l understand where you're coming from, but riddle me this, uh, how do you like your coffee, huh? Hot? A little sticky? Sticky? Really, Ms.
Preparation? Playing the sex card in a group interview? Also, l'm gay.
You see, l just find coffee so, ha, ha, sensual.
Break the chain! Break the chain! Break the chain! Break the chain! Break the chain! Max! l can't let lan see me.
Can you stop this by yourself? All right, l got this.
Break the chain! Break the chain! Break the chain! Break the chain! Hey, guys, listen up, everyone.
Listen to this.
l actually just got a call from Nick himself, and he's actually a pretty cool guy.
For every cup of coffee he sells, he gives a cup of coffee to a child in need.
He gives coffee to kids? Decaf.
So what do you say? We just cancel this thing and go catch a movie? - l mean-- - Wait a minute, she's been compromised.
What? Let's get rid of her.
Violence is an option.
Violence is an option! Violence is an option! Violence is an option! Violence is an option! Violence is not an option.
Let's just put these down.
Meeting you guys was the best.
Ooh, hey, uh, did l mention your lips look super-soft, bro? Yeah, about five times.
Okay, gun to your head, who would you hire? Uh, the guy with the gun over both of you.
Put the signs down, let's call it a day.
Cooler heads have prevailed.
Oh, God.
What is happening? Okay, so let's pat ourselves on the back and just go home.
Max? What? What is going on? Are you a part of all this? Part of all this? Max started this.
l did not start it, l had nothing to do with this.
Oh, my God, l know those voices.
It's happening again.
Careful, one of them has a switchblade! It's called turtling when he goes under like that.
You beat up Tim? Whoa, whoa, that's not fair.
You don't take all the credit for this.
We beat up Tim together.
Okay, Scottie.
Max, Alex, what are you guys doing here? Hey.
Of course, you guys are friends with these two perverts.
Perverts who are willing to go the extra mile.
This is all a misunderstanding.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Sorry l'm late, but l brought Alan's slaw.
You did? He wanted to bring it himself but he got an emergency call and had to hop the first flight to Phuket.
l know you're lying.
l went looking for Alan on my way to the Truckies.
Oh, yeah, the Truckies, l almost forgot.
You know what would be cooler than that is if we got in my van, and we drove out to that place where all four states touch, and we smoked hella weed in all four at the same time.
Hey, if you're going out, can you pick me up some Band-Aids? l cut my armpit shaving.
And he called me Dave Reynolds.
You remember Dave Reynolds.
He used to lick stuff for money.
Penny, l feel really stupid.
No, l understand wanting to have someone to look up to.
Yeah, maybe it's time l realize that l have people in my life to inspire me.
You talking about Scottie Pippen? Always.
Besides, turns out l didn't need Alan's slaw, because l won.
l told you.
That is awesome.
Proud of you.
l know the slaw is largely a metaphor at this point, but maybe you can still use it.
Yeah, this would go great on-- That smells disgusting.
l brought you some white chicken chili fries made by Koreans.
- l'm not hungry.
- Oh, come on, screw lan.
A guy who turns down all three of us clearly cannot recognize a good thing.
What's the matter, Fussy-Face.
Oh, Mr.
Sad Face.
He's got a case of the broken hearts.
No, l don't.
l don't care about anything.
l could run a mile right now.
lan was pretty cute, though.
l bet those lips were as soft as they looked.
They were, and l really, really didn't hate him.
Hey, so let's go and get him.
Yeah, a mentor of mine once said, ''Dave, chase your dreams.
''Don't let your dreams chase you.
'' The same mentor also suggested we have a three-way, so let's take it with a grain of salt.
Okay, let's do this.
Come on, guys.
Okay? Let's go.
- Let's go get him.
For love! - For love! lan! lan! lan, l know l'm probably not welcome inside, so l'm just gonna yell from here, if that's cool.
Look, dating you was not part of some weird scheme or plan.
l'm sorry l screwed it all up.
l mean, l'm just a guy standing in a food truck, which l know is confusing, and l will explain later, maybe, l don't know.
l'm just a guy standing in front of another guy, realizing this is a weird way to handle this.
And l'm just a guy trying to run an honest business.
Maybe create some job opportunities in a pretty rough economic climate.
And l'm just a guy that thrives in a shadow black market economy but l respect everything you're doing.
l'm also just a guy standing in front of a guy who wishes we could go back to just talking about us.
l'm a guy who's listening.
l am also a guy who feels weird in front of my employees right now, so, uh, Hakeem, if you would be a guy who would go inside, and maybe watch the register, that'd be great.
Thanks, Hakeem.
And l'm also a guy who's really glad you came back.
l'm also kind of a guy who likes to keep things loose, you know, don't wanna be tied down.
l can be into that, that's cool.
Don't wanna get locked down or anything.
Yeah, you get it.
Yeah, right.
Good game.
Yeah, see you around.
Yay! Really? A fist bump? Come on.
Let's go get a bagel.
Where's my sandwich, babe? Oh, this is gonna taste so good.
Give me the sandwich.
So this is what happens when they both lose the usual bet? You know what? l want a backrub, snooch.
Me, too.
And a sundae.
Ah! Puppy.
Clown sex.
- Get over here.
- Okay.
Do they even care that we're here? So, how's it going with lan? Mm, not so good, he's married with three kids.
Ugh, been there.