Happy Endings s02e06 Episode Script

Thank you all for coming to the unveiling of my latest culinary creation.
Max? (Orchestral music playing) Have you ever felt like the Big Mac wasn't big enough or the footlong wasn't feet long enough? Well, have no fear, ladies and gentlemen, and feast your eyes upon Steaktanic! (Music stops) Steaktanic.
Steaktanic.
A half a block of smoked gouda, three layers of lettuce, iceberg dead ahead.
Wow, that is disgusting and illegal, I think.
(Whispers) Steaktanic.
Guys, I gotta do something.
This hot dog truck that keeps parking next to me-- they're killing me.
Oh, dogs in heat-- that place is legit.
Oh, I love that commercial.
It's a treat that's mostly meat (All) dogs in heat can't be beat Their meat can be beat.
I will beat their meat.
Whoa.
This whole town will see me beating-- ohh.
I see.
(All chuckle) Dave, you know what you need? A commercial.
Arm twisted.
I'll direct it.
What? Yeah, you remember my award-winning short film I did in college-- "dogleg right.
" The gripping tale of a semi-professional golfer who had his leg amputated only to have it replaced by that of his beloved German Shepherd? "The heart of a champion, the leg of a champion dog.
" I need you to get those DVDs out of my garage.
Max, no offense, but if I was gonna make a commercial, I'd hire a professional director.
So, guys, things are going great with my new sweetums Keith.
Four dates in, all systems go.
So we're not doing segues now? No, I gave those up, along with gluten.
Oh.
Weird part is, now that I have a guy, everybody wants to set me up.
Oh.
(Gasps) Oh, I know.
Al! What? I should hook you up with some of my "extras.
" You know my co-worker Teresa with the baby teeth? Yeah.
With the big gums? She told me about this guy Liam who sounded amazing.
Thank you, but I am enjoying being single, okay? Like when I go to the movies, I get to solve all the pre-movie trivia at my own pace.
Did you guys know that Jack Palance did all his own stunts for "city slickers" but didn't do them for the sequel? Yeah.
You can give Liam my number.
I think I'd better.
Wow, Liam, this place looks amazing.
Well, penny mentioned you studied abroad in France, and I immediately thought of this place.
(Speaks French) Oh.
I got mono the first day I was there, so the only French I know is from lying in bed watching "cheers" reruns.
(Speaks French) "Norm!" (Both chuckle) So tell me, who is Alex? She's loving this bread, I'll tell you that.
(Laughs) You know, for a fancy place, it's sort of dead.
Haven't they heard of a flier? I have a little confession to make.
I rented out the entire restaurant.
I have planned an amazing evening.
Whatever you desire is yours.
In that case (Whispers) I'll have a little more of this bread.
Yah! (Squeals) (Grunts) Land.
(Mutters) Honey, do you really need to practice your parkour exercises in the house? (Glasses clinking) (Grunts) Babe.
Okay, that's twice now.
And you're sweating on my bruschetta.
Okay, as undistracting as all this is, you're not gonna be able to practice your little extreme walking in the house for a few days, because remember, my sorority sister Sara is coming to town for her yearly visit.
Oh, yeah! Sara's coming again.
That's awesome! I know.
We are going to have so much fun entertaining her.
First, we're gonna hit up that new farmer's market, and then we're gonna take a visit to the Russian tea room.
Am I done? Nope.
Not nyet, 'cause when we wanna crank it up, we're gonna go to that place where you can get custom perfumes made.
It's gonna be nuts.
What? (Laughs) What are you doing? Raising the roof on signature scents right now.
That is what's (Whispering) Happening.
Stop.
All righty.
Babe, I'm not gonna be here.
I have a work retreat in Michigan this weekend.
What? Yeah.
It's not gonna be the same without you.
I know.
My retreat's not gonna be the same either.
Re.
Yeah, 'cause I'm stealth as hell.
Damn right you are.
Tiger roll! (Grunts) Oh! (Thud) We okay? I can't believe you're gonna make an actual commercial, and you're not gonna let me direct it.
Max, I just decided it would be better to go with people who are professionals, not somebody who wears a turtleneck he found on the ground.
Aha! This is a mock turtleneck, and I found it in the garbage.
(Cell phone ringing) Oh.
Getting a phone call from my real buddy--Brad.
I bet he'd let me direct a commercial for him-- a commercial about friendship.
(Keys jangle) Hello, amigo.
Max Need a favor, buddy.
I forgot my sleep apnea device at home.
I need you to bring it to my hotel.
In Michigan? I don't know where that is.
You absolutely know where Michigan is.
You were an extra in the movie "8 mile," and, uh I'm not in Michigan.
I'm in Chicago.
What are you doing in Chicago? You see, every year, Jane's annoying sorority sister comes into town, so last year I faked a work retreat because I could not take it anymore.
(Both chanting) We're easy, we're easy, we're easy on the eyes.
We're spread, we're spread, we're spreadin' our wings! We're soar, we're soar, we're soaring through the skies! Whoo-hoo! It's just a little stay-cation.
I get to relax, make awesome stay-cation friends.
Like who did I meet today? It's America's sweetheart, Brent Musburger.
You are looking live at Brent Musburger.
And his new best friend, Brad Williams.
Back to you, Max.
What are you doing here? I stay here every time I cover the Northwestern wildcats, sports fan.
By the way, if you're hungry, they make a mean Musburg.
.
(All laughing) Why are we laughing? I'm on a stay-cation, so who cares? (Laughs) So penny, are things still going well with Keith? Yeah, like, our date last night was great.
It was super low-key we ate grilled cheese sandwiches.
We watched "con air.
" We talked about whatever-- life, love, daylight savings time.
Arizona doesn't even do it.
Hmm? Speaking of dates, how was yours with Liam? I know.
First dates can be rough.
It was kinda crazy.
He rented out the whole restaurant.
Wow! Yeah.
That's a lot for a first date.
And he had a private dancer teach us the dance moves to the video "private dancer.
" That's my jam.
Then we had a midnight helicopter tour of Chicago.
Well, my date was also awesome.
It was so Like, we watched "con air" with the director's commentary.
So here I am, laughing and learning.
Guess what? Sara just canceled last minute.
(Scoffs) I'm having an entire pamper spa package delivered in an hour.
But I guess somehow staging an intervention for her dad trumps all of that.
So a helicopter tour? Yeah.
Was that a groupon thing, or did he pay upfront? What's the story there? What am I gonna do now? Hey You guys wanna hang? We can pamper ourselves, ladies.
Honey-roasted cashews, lavender-scented towels coming in red-hot for you.
I can't.
I have another date with Liam.
He's picking me up in a horse-drawn carriage for a ride along lake Michigan.
Slow down, Liam.
Yeah, well, Keith is picking me up in the Batmobile.
What? He's a bat exterminator, and that's what his company calls the van (Haughty voice) But still very grand.
Thank you for coming to watch my very first tv commercial! Yeah! Whoo! Now this is what the industry calls a "rough cut," so it's not there yet, okay? It's gotta go through various phases like the sound mix, which is different from sound design.
Most people don't know that.
Stop.
Play.
(Jazz music playing) (Haltingly) Hi.
I'm Dave rose, and this is my truck, steak me home tonight.
(Pan scraping) Here at steak me home, tonight, we'll only use the finest ingredients.
(Clank) And if you happen to be browsing the Internet, visit my world wide web address (Off-key) and if you like sandwiches and you love taste then steak me home tonight (Plays discordant chord) U-uh U-uh U-uh (All groaning) Well, that--that was Horrible.
No! U-uh Yeah.
Yeah.
I know.
Yay.
You were-- you were--you were in it.
Guys, what am I gonna do? I already paid for air time this Sunday.
You can't show that to anyone.
Mnh-Mnh.
Dave, walk with me.
Look, you wanna know why that commercial sucked? 'Cause you were working with a director that doesn't know you and know that you are terrible on camera.
But I know you, and I know how to get a great performance out of you.
Dude, I'm the Dave whisperer.
Yeah, but can you do it for no money? I bartered for this outfit using only illegal mexican candy.
(Chuckles) I think I got this.
(Pats arm) So basically, you breathe through here, and it relaxes the muscles.
Plus you can pretend like you're scuba diving.
(Muffled voice) "Hold up.
That's a puffer fish.
" No, thanks.
I'm scared of the sea.
(Clicks teeth) Man, quack like a little bitch.
(lmitates duck quacking) Damn it.
M f forgot the regulator.
He's gotta go back to my apartment.
Your apartment? I don't know where that is.
Come on, man.
Jane's probably out with Sara, but I can't take that chance.
(Groans) Thanks, Max.
(Breathing deeply) Dude, it's not a toy.
(New age music playing) (Keys jangle) (Sniffs) What's happening here? Pen, I gotta say, with Sara canceling (Thud) I've had the place to myself, and it has been really Really great.
(Mouths word picked up my knitting again, and you better believe that I don't stick to the conventional stitches.
(Inhales deeply) Guess you could say I'm a Knitter with attitude.
(Laughs) (Laughs silently) My comedy's always been edgy, penny.
You know that.
(Sniffs) (Whispers) Strawberries.
(Groaning) Just Ohh! (High-pitched voice) Hey, Jane! Max, what are you doing here? I will never tell! Brad lied.
He's not on a work retreat.
He's on a stay-cation.
What? Tell me everything! Ha ha ha! I laugh at your request.
Ha ha ha ha! Ow! He's downtown.
He can't stand Sara.
I love your sense of fashion.
I don't believe it.
It's true.
I'm serious.
The way you blend color into your everyday wardrobe is effortless and very tasteful.
You need to leave.
Fine.
Good day.
(Humming) (Telephone beeping, door opens and closes) Brad? I'm pissed.
On your behalf because you're missing all the fun Sara and I are having.
What's that, sare-bear? You're gonna stay an extra day? Fantastic! Oh! I gotta go.
I love you.
Bye.
(Beep) (Hums) Ohh.
Ohh.
This stay-cation is the best, man.
If I was at home right now, I'd have to make "surprise eyes" every time Sara would brag about her stupid homemade teas.
"What? You're selling oolong? That's crazy!" Those are great Surprise eyes.
It's a gift.
I'm sorry that things aren't going well at home.
What do you mean, Brent Musburger? You're lying to your wife just to get space.
Oh, it's just a little white lie, you know what I mean? That's what the Miami hurricanes thought on that muggy Friday afternoon down in the orange bowl back in 1984.
Miami led 45-41.
Only 5 seconds left on the clock.
The hurricanes thought they had it all wrapped up, but somebody else thought differently, and that somebody was Douglas Richard Flutie.
Flutie.
Flutie back.
Flush to the right.
He throws it down.
Caught by Boston college! (Sighs) The eagles win it! I don't believe it! I don't believe it.
Wow.
So Miami thought they didn't have anything to worry about at home, and they blew it.
I totally get it.
By lying to my wife and taking her for granted, I could possibly be blindsided by a hail Mary pass that shoots right through my marriage.
No, my point is, Miami got a little lazy with that cover 2 defense.
I gotta go, Brent Musburger.
Don't ever change.
Hello, Keith.
Hey, pen.
Why are you dressed so nice? Did someone die? No.
(Chuckles) But you're funny.
I was thinking we should go dancing.
Hmm? It's noon.
Plus I got us some burgers for lunch.
(Gasps) You know what we should do? We should eat those burgers in a hot air balloon and then just ride it all the way to Santa Barbara.
What do you think? What are you talking about? I'm talking about taking our dating life to the next level, to the jet stream in a balloon and then landing that balloon in a hidden vineyard where we get drunk on Santa Barbaran Malbec and we feed each other local spot prawns as we-- oh.
Whoa.
(Thud) You okay? Just give me a burger.
(Tv playing indistinctly) Oh, man.
The commercial's almost on.
I hope people like it.
Relax.
We didn't make this to please the masses.
Max, this is a commercial.
That's exactly why we made it.
How are things going with Liam? Honestly, he's annoying.
I mean, and all the grand gestures are getting really exhausting.
Like last night, all I wanted to do was stay in and watch "the princess bride.
" (Tv playing indistinctly) See? I told you I could keep it mellow.
Sorta.
The director was on my ass in this scene.
I told him, "you want someone to phone it in, "get kirk Cameron.
"You want someone to be a savage, you get Fred Savage.
" Interesting.
Hey, I saw some hummus back in the fridge.
Is that for the house, or Something I could jump in on? Yeah, go ahead.
It's all just too much.
I want Liam.
What? Well technically, he was mine in the first place, and--and what if it's meant to be? You don't want to tempt fate, al.
Like the time you entered a brisket-eating contest before you went into that loan interview.
Ugh, not my finest moment.
Oh! Commercial it's on.
It's on.
(Jazz music playing) I remember when my dad and I would just sit on a park bench, have a hot dog, just talk about whatever.
It was the best.
That's--that's where my love of Chicago street food came from.
The hot dog had given me so much.
(Barks) When I was a kid, I wanted to give something back, something new.
So the next time you're craving a hot dog, have one of these.
(Sniffs) Thanks, dad.
That was amazing.
Really? Yeah.
I didn't understand the dog barking or the Puerto Rican guys playing checkers, but I have never seen you more comfortable on screen.
I know, right? And I have my director to thank for that.
He did--as they say in the industry-- "help me find my performance.
" You know what else is a great choice? How you never had Dave say the name of the truck.
It's like one of those bars that doesn't have a sign and only the cool people know about it.
What are you talking about? We said the name of the truck.
Yeah.
Or how you never mentioned or showed steak sandwiches in any way.
Of course we showed the steak sandwich.
I think it's pretty clear what we were trying to sell.
Yeah.
Hot dogs? 'Cause you said that, like, 17 times.
No, no, we said, "steak sandwich.
" (Strained voice) Yeah, we-- we said it quite a bit.
Yeah, we we said s-- (blooping sounds) (Under breath) Come on.
Hurry it up.
(Under breath) I'm trying.
Pick it up.
I'm trying.
(Blooping sounds) I didn't DVR it.
(New age music playing) Hey, boo! I'm home! Where's my sare-bear? I wanna hear how those Earl Greys are selling.
Huh? It looks nice in here.
It's cute.
(Sniffs) Using the honeysuckle candles for company, huh? Dipping into my private stock.
That's cool.
I'm all right with that! I love you, baby.
Love you.
Ah, got the wine cracking? That's what's up.
Nice little card.
That's "Sorry I had to cancel our visit.
Love, Sara.
" She canceled? (Jane) Hey.
(Door opens) Oh! (Thud) Aah! (Groaning) Ohh, Lenka, that facial was so relaxing.
I totally t-zoned out.
(Laughs) You know, 'cause the t-zone on your face? No? Nothing.
Okay.
Well, let's get started on my seaweed wrap because my mani-pedi lady comes at 7:00, and I really wanna make the most of this stay-cation.
(Gasps) Mmm.
Mmm.
Hey, boo! Brad! Brad.
(Laughs) You're home a day early.
Remember Sara? Right? (Chuckles) (Chanting) We're soar, we're soar, we're soaring through the sky! Hey! (Grunts and laughs) Brad, what are you doing here now? Work retreat got cut short, decided to come home, see my honey bunny.
(Both chuckle) Hey, Sara, you look different.
(Laughs) No, Sara's actually Not here, because she just left.
Uh, there was a huge tea disaster back at the warehouse.
Mm.
I mean, it flooded, and then it burst into flames, and now there is a river of hot darjeeling just coursing through Cambridge, Massachusetts.
It's, uh, no Boston tea party, if you know what I mean.
Nothing.
Basic American civics.
So that's what happened.
Tea fire.
Yeah.
It's a shame.
But enough about me.
How was that work retreat? It was--it was great.
Yeah.
It was great.
Uh, there were rope courses, trust falls, stuff like that.
Uh, turns out I'm actually light as a feather, stiff as a board, so Got that going for me.
Well, sounds like you had a really eventful weekend.
Sounds like You did, too.
(Both) You went on a stay-cation! No, you went on a stay-cation! You're questioning me?! How do we stop doing this?! I have no idea! I'm glad Liam was so cool with the old switcheroo.
I know.
I wonder what exciting things he's got planned.
(Singsongy) You'll see.
(Doorbell rings) (Bottle clatters) Ooh.
Here he is.
(Imitates British accent) Hello, m'ladies.
How do I find you on this Eve? What's up, Liam? Sweet costume.
Anywho Have fun.
(Whispers) No backsies.
So great to finally meet you.
And I the same.
Teresa, the duchess of your accounts receivable department, did not speak false when she said you were beautiful.
(Chuckles) Tonight we shall dine in the medieval wing of the art institute.
We shan't tarry another minute.
(Imitates British accent) We shan't.
We shan't not, my l-- (normal voice) I don't speak English--I mean, British.
Let's just go.
Bye! How did we forget to say I sell steak sandwiches? Relax.
No one knows what commercials sell what products.
(Horn honks) Like that old spice commercial with that black guy in the shower.
What's he selling? Old spice.
No, the old spice commercial with the black guy in the shower! What is he sell-- oh.
He's selling old spice.
(Mouths word) Well, it's pretty quiet around here.
Guess I should go ahead and pack her up for the night.
Hey, man.
I'm sorry I let you down.
Oh! No, no, man, we're in it together.
I mean, it was your idea.
You shot it, and you locked me out of the editing room, but, uh, it's on me, too.
They call it Hollywood, not "holly-friends.
" We're not in Hollywood.
Dude, I saw your commercial last night.
I loved it.
You did? Yeah.
You really spoke from the heart, you know? Called my dad for the first time in nine years.
Awesome.
Yeah.
Well, we're gonna go get hot dogs, then go play checkers with some puerto rican guys.
Yeah.
(Laughs) See ya.
Let's go, son.
(Sighs) We did it! Taking myself! (Sighs) Why don't you have a little pasta salad, have something in your mouth other than lies? Okay.
And while I'm doing that, why don't you catch a movie? Like "liar liar" or "what lies beneath.
" Ooh, or narnia.
There's a lion in it.
Babe, what are we doing? Are we seriously lying to each other so we don't have to be together? Brad, we love being together.
I mean, come on.
Everyone wishes they had our mojo, yo.
(Laughs) Yeah, I said that.
Let's just keep moving.
No, we're coming back to that.
Okay, fine, fair enough.
Look, we go on trips together.
We go to the movies together.
We even go cheese shopping together.
Yeah, like I can trust you to pick a good camembert.
But there's nothing wrong with us having a little private time, too.
Honestly, didn't you like having a little Brad time? Well, it was nice watching "the boondocks" and not having to explain why it's funny.
I wanna love it.
I don't get it.
Sometimes I don't get it.
Maybe it's okay if once a year Sara comes to visit, and you have to go on a last minute work retreat.
Babe, I was lying about the work retreat.
Mm-hmm.
We usually go on, like, an off-site c-- oh, it's a metaphor.
I get it.
Yeah, you will get it.
Yeah.
Ooh! (Chuckles) (Both) Mmm.
Mmm! Oh, God! Oh! Oh, oh! (Moaning) And after dinner, they brought two horses into the museum courtyard.
Shut up.
And Liam and his friend dressed up as knights and jousted over me.
Oh.
It was the most romantic night of my life.
It sounds super romantic.
(Laughs) Oh, you know what? Keith showed up after you left.
Really? Yeah.
Well, the guy is devastated.
Was he destroyed? It was rough.
But we ended up hanging out.
Huh? Making English muffin pizzas, talking.
It was nice.
It was? Yeah.
You know, after all those extravagant dates with Liam where I'm, like, hunting quail, it was nice to kick back and connect with someone.
It was perfect And so simple.
Mmm.
I want Keith back.