Happy Endings s02e09 Episode Script

Mmm.
Mmm! Eggnog is delish.
Ah.
Mmm.
Dairy and liquor are really one of those underrated combinations.
Kinda like Garry Marshall and Hector Elizondo.
Yeah, they may be coming for Julia Roberts and Annie Hathaway, but they're staying for Elizondo.
I am gonna miss this! I am so bummed that Brad and I are gonna be gone for Christmas.
Yeah, it's gonna be horrible, me and Jane alone on the beaches of Turks and Caicos all day.
Oh, pooh.
All those drinks and those massages and those vacation friends that we'll probably end up being closer with than you guys long-term.
Ohh.
Oh, no, Jane! The temperature just dipped to 88 in Turks and 87 in Caicos.
Uh-oh.
Ohh.
Should we still go? (Both) Uh yeah! More like jerks and bac-os.
Bacon substitute, remember? And you guys are jerks, so (Chuckles) It's not great.
So does everyone know what they're gonna get me for Christmas? Pen, just tell us what you want and save yourself some disappointment.
No, I'd rather be surprised by a disappointment than happy with what I expected.
It's why I never ask if a pool is heated.
Mm.
(Gasps) Speaking of gifts, Max, since tonight is the first night of Chanukah, we have your Chanukah gift.
Well, while I do appreciate you using the appropriate pronunciation, I grant you permission to use the more common "Hanukkah.
" And while you're at it, you don't have to start every conversation with my dad by saying, "can I ax you a question?" Okay.
Well, here is the greatest gift of all.
Are these the Glengarry leads? No, those are for closers, you child.
That is the number to the best housekeeper in the world-- Gita.
- No! - What?! You can't let Max anywhere near Gita.
She is amazing.
The Polish Mr.
Clean, Mama Giadki, is based on Gita.
She even taught us the song.
(Both) Mama Giadki make everything zgrabny Well, don't worry.
I won't let Max screw this one up.
Our apartment is in some serious need of some zgrabny.
Thank you.
(Cell phone alert chimes) Ugh! I'm running a charity drive for Midwestern Bank, and my Santa canceled.
He's having a hip replacement.
The Easter Bunny would play through that pain.
Just saying.
The event is tomorrow.
Where am I gonna find a Santa? You go down to the DMV.
Then you go behind the DMV.
You find the smelliest guy there-- Leslie.
- Hmm.
- Leslie will introduce you to some randos who will do anything for anything.
Well, I mean, it's not just for anything.
It's 500 bucks.
I'll do it.
No questions asked.
Really? You want to play Santa? 'Cause you hate holidays, and you hate kids.
Yeah, but I love making extravagant promises that I don't have to fulfill.
Plus, Penny, I really need the cash.
My limo business has hit a few shnags.
(Horns honking) What? Why?! Aah! Damn it! They got the spare? Come on, pen.
I would be an awesome Santa.
I have a giant lap, and I happen to look amazing in a chunky belt.
You look okay in a chunky belt.
Brad, tell her how good I look in a chunky belt.
Mm, you look chunky in a chunky belt.
Guys, guys.
It's Christmas.
Must we have this argument ah-gayn and ah-gayn? I'm sorry.
I look great in a chunky belt.
Cheers.
- Come on now.
- Cheers.
Cheers to zgrabny.
(Clinks) (Alex, Max, Brad, and Jane) Zgrabny! All righty.
Hey, babe.
I'm back.
I-- What's happening? Do you need help or (Grunts, strained voice) No, I'm good.
You got it? Yeah, I am good.
Sweatin' a bit.
I (Pants) Invite you to admire the first annual Christmas hub tub.
Ooh.
The hub tub turns pesky holiday organization into an art form-- Recipes, tips, gifts, petty cash (Chuckles) And everything that we need for our tropical vay-cay-cay.
Please don't say "vay-cay-cay.
" M'kay-kay? - I even alarmed it.
(Chuckles)- Ooh.
(Beeps, alarm sounding) Ohh.
Aah! Oh, God.
- Uh, that works.
- Ohh.
(Beeps, alarm stops) Ohh.
(Exhales deeply) Ah.
Hey, check it out.
I got the casheesh for our trip.
(Chuckles) 2 grand in my hand.
Awesome.
I'll slip that in my old hub tub.
(Laughs) (Whispers) Ah.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yep.
(Pops lips) (Both laughing) I love "indecent proposaling" with you! Max, gotta say, you're kinda rockin' the Santa suit.
Yep.
Yep.
This is gonna be the easiest gig ever.
I get paid 500 bucks to sit in a chair and put up with greedy kids telling me what kind of toys they want, and, bonus, the Santa suit really does show off my Max ass, - doesn't it, little one, huh? - Uhh.
- Huh? What more do you need? - Ew.
(Gasps) And get a hot load of the jiggle belly.
(Beep, whirring) Ooh.
Now that I like.
(Laughs) Ooh.
Yeah.
Who doesn't? Yeah.
(Laughs) - Ooh.
- I'll just turn it off.
(Click, whirring continues) It's not really turning off.
(Exhales deeply) It's uh, ooh, it's hot.
The motor is really heating up, and, uh, it's a very focused burn that is h-- Ow! How, how, how, how! How, how, ow! Ow, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie! So, Al, you're really going with the coupon books that no one wants again this year? It's the gift that keeps on disappointing.
People love my coupon books.
Who wouldn't want a free basic haircut and bang trim? Or how about a nibble your name into a cob of corn? Who wants that? You know you want it.
I do not want that.
Helvetica.
Al, you know the only reason you make these coupons is because nobody's ever gonna cash 'em in.
I remember one year you gave me one for a free indoor beach party.
What was that? I don't know, but it would have been fun.
Admit it.
It's an empty gesture, like an e-card or a formal apology after an anti-semitic rant.
They are not empty gestures, okay? And I would love for people to cash in my coupons.
Okay, I am gonna cash in every single coupon you've ever given me.
Nothing would make me happier.
That would be the best Christmas ever.
- Good.
- Awesome.
Owie, owie, owie, owie, owie, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! It's burning! It's burning.
(Whirring continues) I can't turn it off! The remote won't work.
The remote is broken.
It won't turn off.
- Max.
- Uhh! It's burning.
(Whirring stops) Whew.
Thank you.
(Sighs) - Uhh.
- So what is, uh, everyone talking about? (Scoffs) (Whispers) Uh Babe, don't dirty up the place for Gita's benefit.
If it's too clean, she won't feel needed.
Well, if you want her to feel needed, you give her more than $100 for her Christmas bonus.
Everybody knows it's double two weeks' pay.
No, that's how much an engagement ring costs.
(Clatters) No, that's two months' pay.
You're damn right it is.
Just checking.
Seriously, babe, we gotta give her at least $300.
I mean (Clenches teeth) She knows about the drawer.
Okay, $200, but anything more than that, she's gonna feel uncomfortable.
Well, I think discovering that drawer is what made her feel uncomfortable.
(Polish accent) Oh, hello, miss Jane, Mr.
Brad.
Merry Christmas, Gita.
(Door closes) We have a special present for you.
Oh, miss Jane, Mr.
Brad.
(Chuckles) I-I don't deserve this.
Of course you do.
You are the best.
How can I ever thank you? You thank us by enjoying it.
Oh, boy.
(Gita) Uh, I uh, no.
I-I cannot accept this.
Well, we tried.
(Chuckles) We know that it's excessive, but you deserve it.
Ohh.
Oh, I am going to go call my sisters and tell them that you are good people.
(Chuckles) What? (Door opens and closes) See? (Beeps) $200-- More than enough.
Well, you know what else is more than enough? $2,000.
You just gave her our trip money.
Aah! That is impossible.
No.
I can show you right in (Alarm sounding) - Yeah! - Ow.
I have it right here in the envelope labeled "tr--gita.
" (Man over PA) Ho-ho-ho! Santa is back from his third break, and he's ready to see if you've been naughty or nice.
All right.
What are you having? I want an iPhone.
You got it.
Next.
(Lowered voice) Max, you gotta put a little more into it.
Channel the Christmas spirit, or at least channel the spirit of somebody putting the smallest amount of effort into anything.
Gotcha.
Let's go! - All right.
- Smile with Santa.
(Burps) (Giggles) Oh, what, Santa can't burp? You know, this is the first time I've seen Oliver laugh in a long time.
Yeah, well, he should get out more.
I've been sick a lot, but now I'm fine.
The thing that helped me in the hospital was knowing Christmas was coming And you, Santa.
Oh.
(Chuckles) Well, uh Well, what do you-- What do you want for Christmas? Nothing.
I'm just happy to be healthy.
(Sighs) There's gotta be something you want.
Well, my mom's car just got stolen, so I guess if I wanted anything, it would be to forgive the bad men who did it.
(Inhales deeply) (Voice breaking) Well, you're getting a bike.
Next.
Please tell me you got the money back for our trip.
I couldn't do it.
She had nieces-- Singing nieces.
Wha-- (Both) hark the Kerkovich-Williams angels sing glory to the bonus they bring generous right to the core forgiven for their sinful drawer (Chuckles) Ohh.
Is that not so precious? Yeah.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) They have been practicing all day for you.
Ohh.
(Chuckles) Ohh.
Oh, so what did you want to talk to me about? Uh I just Wanted to give you this.
What? More? Yeah, more.
Ohh.
Nephews, get down here! Okay, clearly you're in over your head, so even though this is all your fault-- This is not my fault.
How is this not your fault? (Refrigerator door closes) You gave gita so much money, while I did nothing.
Exactly, Brad.
Once again, you did nothing.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
All right.
I'm gonna get the money back from Gita, and you're gonna go to the drawer and think of ways to make this up to me.
(Whispers) I have so many ideas.
(Dance music playing) You know, this, um, "dinner and a DJ" Coupon might be the best one yet.
Deejay Alex Haley on the wah-wah-wah-ones and twos.
Alex Haley? Yeah, I used to be obsessed with Halley's comet.
So it has nothing to do with Alex Haley, the author of "Roots"? She was a DJ? All I know is, I was in high demand in college.
A lot of black fraternities hired me sight unseen.
You know what? Just crank it up.
Wait for it.
Let the beat drop.
(Bass thumps) Boom! There it is! You know it! Pen, something happened at Santa's village today, and it's kinda hard to talk about.
I-I probably shouldn't even tell you.
You can talk to me about anything.
(Sighs) All right.
Well, there was this really cute kid who climbed into my lap.
He was, like, wiggling around and whispering in my ear, and (Exhales deeply) I felt something.
You can't talk to me about anything.
Pen, the kid touched me.
You're gonna blame the kid? What? No.
Ew! Penny, I open up to you, and that's where your mind goes? Come on.
No.
He was a sick kid, and I made him happy.
That's awesome And a relief.
Hey, kids love Santa! You are not a terrible person after all.
Sweet! This is the only store in Chicago that sells the porn I like.
It's called "Bloody Guys.
" Oh, Max.
It's British guys covered in blood.
(Chuckles) (Door bells jingle) Think I'm gonna wait outside.
Thanks.
(Sighs) (Door closes) Lady, give me your purse! (Gasps) What? "Lady"? I'm 30, okay? That's basically mid to late 20s.
(Door opens) Hey, Pen, they only have regular gay porn.
I can't deal with all the mustaches.
Hey.
I'm Max.
(Whispers) He's a little young for you.
(Whispers) He's mugging me! (Slurring) Oh, hey! A-actually (Grunting) I'm-- I'm not.
I can't steal in front of Santa.
(Gasps) Oh, my Well, you're welcome, and I wouldn't turn your nose up at dating a mugger.
I mean, they're entrepreneurs.
Well, they make their own hours.
Yeah, they go for what they want, and they take it! Okay, Max.
Whoa.
That was really cool.
I mean, you changed that kid's heart and mind.
I don't know.
(Shouting indistinctly) I mean, you are a vessel for holiday spirit, and as long as you're wearing that suit, you can spread it everywhere you go.
Is there a world in which I don't have to spread anything? Max, I think you could do a lot of good as Santa.
Yeah, well, I'll keep my eyes peeled for opportunity.
(Woman) - No, no, no! - I think they'll be pretty obvious.
- Excuse me, Santa! - Excuse me?! Guys, people could be sleeping.
- Shh.
- Residential! Okay.
What are you gonna say to Gita? I don't want her to hate us.
(Sighs) Babe, I think I can handle getting our cash back from a sweet housekeeper, okay? Ugh.
(Clatter) (Both) Hi.
Oh, my Christmas angels! (Jane chuckles) Mr.
Max - Hi.
- Just leave for his Santa job.
Uh, between you and me, I don't think he should be Santa.
- Mm.
- He has many drawers.
Sinful drawers.
Yes, well, Gita, we actually wanted to talk to you about something.
Yeah, I also want to talk to you, my angels.
Uh, my sisters say to me, "Gita, you never do anything nice for yourself.
" Um, they say, "use the angel money to go on a vacation.
" Well, work hard, play hard.
Anyway, I-- then I remembered all of the brochures around your place for, um, the Caicos and Turks (Laughing) So I'm going! (Chuckles) All right.
You don't want to do that.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
You are right.
I should invest the money in making bigger my cans.
I'm sorry? They have been ravaged by so many years of breast-feeding my sisters.
Ohh.
I have not been with a man in so long.
Well, I must go back to work, huh? (Chuckles) Okay, thank you again (Singsongy) My Christmas angels.
Thanks for leaving us with that visual.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) Right.
(Lowered voice) Wow.
You handled that flawlessly.
(Lowered voice) Well, all you had to deal with was singing nieces.
How am I supposed to tell a woman she can't make bigger her cans? You know what? Whatever, Jane! This is all your fault.
I guess we're gonna stay home for Christmas.
(Sighs) (Panting) Hee hee hee! Start the car! - Why are you running like that? - It's how I run! Next.
Come here, you little booger.
Oy.
What do you want for Christmas? I want my parents to get back together.
Yeah, well, that's not really in my jurisdiction.
(Instrumental version of "Joy To The World" playing) (Sighs) What Santa can tell you is that there is a bright side-- Two Christmases, two birthdays, and when your parents start dating, you'll get whatever gift you want, because the new boyfriend or girlfriend will want you to like them.
My mom is already dating.
That's Gary.
He has a bad back.
Yeah.
He looks like he probably has gout, too.
Does he eat a lot of fish? Yeah, I bet.
Hey, Gar! Why don't you take five from feeling up this kid's mom and throwing salmon down your throat and buy him a go-cart or something? Of course.
(Chuckles) Whatever he wants.
Thanks, Santa.
I love you.
(Indistinct conversations) (Sighs) (Voice breaks) I love you, too, you little freak gingie.
Alex, it's enough that (Grunts) You maximized my closet space.
You don't have to do all this by yourself.
Dave, I'm gonna show you that my coupons are not empty gestures.
- Okay.
- Okay? It is so nice that you all came out to support me and kinda see me in my element.
(Grunts) Well, actually, we came to donate some clothes - and see Max cry.
- Whew! Oh.
Well - What else is going on? - Aah! - Oh, not much.
- Yeah.
- Hey, guys.
- Wow.
You really are crying.
I don't know what's happening.
You've done a great job.
Here's your casheesh.
You earned it.
I'd like to say I would take this money to go get the boots off my limo, but I'm not.
I'm gonna go donate this to poor people (Penny and Brad gasp) Which means I volunteered my time.
I'm worried about you.
(Voice breaks) I'm worried about me.
I cannot believe Max is a better person than you.
(Lowered voice) Look, Brad, I feel terrible, okay, but this is not my fault.
I panicked, and you know when I panic, I steal, and that is wrong, but I'm gonna make this right.
(Gasps) Oh, my God.
It's Gita.
- Deny till you die.
(Whispers) - Right.
That's him.
Santa stole my money! I didn't take anybody's money.
That's it right there in my angel envelope.
(Chuckles) Oh, it's a joke.
"Borat.
" (Imitates Borat) Nice.
(Chuckles) Very nice.
Uh I take the money.
- Come with me, Santa.
(Normal voice) - What? - Let's go.
- No! I didn't take any money! I'm a Jew! This is a hate crime! It's a hate crime! Jane gave me Gita's number in an envelope.
I didn't take anybody's money! Oh, yes, you did.
I had that money in your apartment.
You're the only one who could have taken it.
You are as careless with your morals as you are with your underpants.
You are a liar! Wait.
There's only $500 in here.
He spent it, no doubt on sugar cereals.
No.
(Chuckles) $500-- That's his Santa pay.
He was moved by the holiday spirit, and he was gonna donate it.
Okay! I-I have to tell the truth.
(Sighs) Max did not steal the money.
Thank you.
- Brad did.
- What? - I know.
- What?! Good enough for me.
Case closed.
- Just-- Are you for real, dawg? Jane! - Yep.
You have the right to remain silent.
- I'll wait for you.
- Jane! Okay, stop.
I did it.
- Come on, man.
- I accidentally gave Gita the envelope with our vacation cash in it instead of her bonus, and then I stole it back.
(Chuckles) I'm sorry.
But, uh, why didn't you just tell me? I would have understood.
I'm sorry, gita.
Here's your real Christmas bonus.
It's $200.
Oh.
Thank you.
Wait a second.
You only tip your housekeeper $200 for Christmas? I told you! $200 plus A trip to Turks and Caicos.
- Oh, my God! - What? - Thank you, my angel! (Chuckles) - Ah.
- Thank you, angel! - Ohh! Mm-hmm.
I must go call my sisters! Wow.
That's kind of excessive.
I was thinking more like $250.
Oh.
(Chuckles) Hold on.
Hold on.
So you were ready to lead me away based on nothing, but Gwyneth Paltrow over here confesses, and she just gets to sort it out by talking? I don't make the rules.
Okay.
(Radio static) (Man) Penny, we seem to have a situation at the donations bin.
(Sobs) Help! (Panting) Merry Christmas.
What are you doing in your bathing suit? (Gasps) (All, singsongy) Merry Christmas! It's your indoor beach party coupon.
Wow, guys.
This is crazy.
I helped, 'cause I felt bad that Brad couldn't have his beach vacation.
Yeah, it's basically the same thing.
Mm-hmm.
Is that-- Is that cat poop? Probably, 'cause we brought all this in from the neighbor's backyard sandbox.
That would explain the syringe.
Oh.
(Chuckles) So, Maxie, the charity event was a huge success.
We got the most donations ever, even though a lot of kids were scarred for life by seeing Santa do a perp walk.
- Don't care.
- Really? Yeah.
'Cause I think you sort of enjoyed being Santa.
Ohh.
Penny, all right.
Fine.
I'll go upstairs, put on the Santa costume, and come back down with presents for everyone here - What? - And I'll go get my guitar and sing some of the rock 'n' roll songs I've been writing about Christmas Uh, nobody's asking you to do that.
And then I'll march my little cute tush in the kitchen and make some Christmas Italian wedding soup, 'cause I'm just made of time.
We're all set.
Donkey kick.
You're blocking my sun.
- Yep.
- Yeah.
(The Beach Boys' "Kokomo" playing) I'm sorry I ruined Christmas.
It was my fault.
You didn't ruin it, all right? We can use the tickets next year.
Look, looks like Gita is having a great time.
Relaxing on the beach.
Thank you Ms.
Jane and Mr.
Brad.
Aw.
(Inhales deeply) I don't know, maybe she should have gotten her cans done.
Ewe.
Who is that hot guy she's sitting next to? Ah.
Looks like gita got her groove back.
(Jane and Brad chuckle) Yeah.
(Chuckles) - Give me a kiss.
- Ooh.
- Mm.
- Mm.
(Chuckles) Wow, I'm impressed.
You actually finished all the coupons.
It wasn't an empty gesture after all.
Well, if I'm gonna be totally honest, I didn't mind that people didn't cash them in - I knew it.
- Uh, but I'm glad that you did, 'cause it's the most time that we've spent alone together since we broke up, so Yeah, it's been pretty cool.
Yeah.
Oh.
This is an old one.
"One free kiss, even if I've just put on lip gloss.
" (Chuckles) Well, I wouldn't hold you to this guy.
Well, I did agree to do all the coupons.
(Chuckles) Yep.
Yeah, you-- You kinda did.
Well, it would be a shame if you got this close and you didn't finish.
Total shame.
These sandcastles look like boobs.
(Laughter) A little place like kokomo now if you wanna go Well, that's done.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(Deep voice) Ho-ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Max, that's my laundry! (Laughs) - Come on! Come on! - Whoo! No! Get in there.
No.
No.
Yay! No.
(Chuckles) - I grabbed whatever stuff I could find - Whoo! Ooh! (Laughs) - And these are Penny's delicates! - Yeah! - No! - Yeah! - Ho, ho, ho! - No! Oh! Give me those! - Give me those! - Grab a pair of undies! - No! - Grab a pair of bras! (Laughs) Oh, my God.
That's amazing.
Wouldn't believe it unless I saw it.
It's incredible.
Astounding.
I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.
(All, singsongy) Ooh.
Ahh! A perfect helvetica.
(Chuckles) (All) Ohh! No! (Laughs) All: Happy holidays from Happy Endings!