Happy Endings s02e22 Episode Script

We told you, you cannot get the refrigerator door all the way open before the light comes on.
So that's why you called us here, Al? No! I signed us up for the Northside Kickball Classic this weekend.
And Shayla is sponsoring our team! What's Shayla? Uh, Shayla's my store.
Duh! No, not "duh".
X-E-L-A spells Shayla? I didn't know you could say it.
I thought it was a four-letter Celtic symbol for "failure".
LAUGHTER Stop.
C'mon! Guys! It'll be fun.
Plus, it's great advertising.
I mean, that bakery for dogs sponsored a team, and it really helped their business.
Until the recession hit and they realised it's a bakery for dogs.
They closed, All Dogs Go To Evans? Well, we have a really busy weekend, Al.
I'm getting my hair done, and my book club is doing a brunch crawl.
I will be observing the live birth of a baby calf.
I know it might sound stupid, but I started going to church.
Guys! This could be our last chance to do something all together.
Next year, Brad and Jane could have a baby.
Aww! Aww! No! No! Dave could go out of business.
He might not even stay in Chicago.
Why would I leave Chicago? Max could be dead or presumed missing.
Or presumed dead.
And Penny'll probably be divorcing.
(GASPS) Thank you! You bet.
So come on, please! Please! Oh, I'm getting a call.
Sorry.
Hello? It's Pretty Please.
Let me talk to her! What? HELLO! (LAUGHS) Hey, Pretty Please.
No, you're cute.
Girl, what you up to? Oh, still asking people to play kickball? OK.
Guys, this bitch is like a dog with a bone.
I think we gotta play.
OK.
Let's just for one time let the little blondie have it.
Let's play.
Yeah! I'm so excited.
All right, if you guys want me to be the lovable, gruff player/manager Nobody wants you to be that.
then we need to talk salary.
I'm willing to work for league maximum, cos there's no way you are getting Max for the minimum.
There'll be warm beer in the dugout.
OK, throw in a lifetime of memories I can cherish now and always and you got yourself a manager.
Guys, look what I found for the big game - my old eyeblack.
Take that, sun.
I got nature's eyeblack right here.
Melanin, baby.
It's what makes me brown.
Dave, I got to talk to you.
As the team's self-appointed player/manager, I got to let you know I'm dropping you down to the six-hole, champ.
I'm kicking six? That's last.
I should be kicking clean-up.
Have you forgotten that my right foot is a half-size bigger than my left - size eight, bitches? No-one is questioning your freakish feet, Dave.
It's just you haven't been the same since the incident.
You went 0 for 33 after that.
Something happened up here, you haven't been able to kick since.
You got a bad case of the yips, hammy.
Like when Chuck Knoblauch couldn't throw or Wang Chung tried to have fun the following night.
Yips don't lie, hammy.
You got yips, hammy.
I'm over that! That was a long time ago, hammies.
Whoa, Dave Dave! Racist.
Face it, you're prone to the yips.
Remember when you forgot the words to Gangsta's Paradise? You still can't perform a eulogy.
You should be worrying about you.
All you do is bunt.
You're damn right I do.
I love a big bunt, all right? I play kick-moneyball, and I get on base every time.
It's all about numbers, baby, and the numbers say I'm kicking No-one calls you that.
Nobody calls me the guy who defuses situations with unexpected compliments, but that doesn't mean it's not true.
Dave, have your fingers lost weight? Thank you for noticing.
Yeah, man, they're lean and mean, especially for a guy with the yips.
All right, you know what? It's ridiculous.
That is ridiculous! LAUGHTER You can't get the yips in kickball.
Oh, yeah? David, then kick this.
What? Max! That's a bowling ball! Yi-yips! (BOTH) # Yi-yi-yi-yips! I'm actually getting pumped for kickball.
It is a great place to meet guys.
Last year, my friend Cory collided at home plate with this really cute catcher.
She still can't see colours and he has a titanium knee, but they're getting married! Oh, cute! So cute! Jane, what's wrong with your car? Oh, routine maintenance.
Boring car stuff, intake manifold, whatnot.
Hey, Jane, first game's at ten tomorrow.
Here's your jersey.
Good on you for hyphenating.
What, you're playing kickball for their team? I'm sorry.
I signed up with them months ago, and when I commit, I stay committed.
What about that Guatemalan kid you stopped sponsoring after a month? When I send $25, I expect a letter, Adolfo.
OK, come on, quit them.
Join us.
It'll be fun! Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You see, I like to win, so I'm taking my talents to Southside Kaz's Auto Body Shop.
That is cold-blooded, LaBlonde Jane.
Typical Ruthless Jane.
Just like when we were kids and you stole my spot on Baboo the Green Monkey Funky Hour.
And the last little poacher to get to join us for the Baboo Boogie, Alex Kerkovich! Yay! Oh, Jane, I wish we both coulda won.
Yeah, me too.
Oh, well.
Come on up here, Alex! Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's me, Alex! Let's boogie! I remember that! You took your prize trip and you contracted that flesh-eating strep bacteria.
That should've been my flesh-eating strep bacteria.
But it's all good, Jane.
You play for your auto-body team.
But Team Xela is gonna have fun.
And we're gonna win! Oh, silly Alex.
Wins are for winners.
So, uh, are you in a bad mood now, or can we still go and try on wigs? I'm not great.
Hm.
"The Stars and Stripes Forever" "The Stars and Stripes Forever".
Play ball! Hello, Chicago, and welcome to the first day of the annual Northside Kickball Classic.
I am Duckie Blenkinship.
Fun fact - two teenagers locked me in that Porta Potty last year.
I've seen it all, folks.
Duckie has seen it all.
All right, everybody, this is what we do.
We're gonna start with some light stretching.
That will be followed by some heavy losing, which will then be followed by some even heavier drinking.
Come on, Max, I think we could win this whole damn thing.
My right fielder's in six-inch heels.
My kickball shoes make me look like a lesbian! I got this guy over here.
I can't tell if he's practising his kicking or gently nudging that thing to make sure it's still alive.
My third baseman's priorities are way out of whack.
Which eyeblack should I choose, Ebony Heat or Midnight Storm? Face it, Jane was the only good player on this team, and she crap-damn bailed on us.
Look at that traitor.
I hate her.
Those long, lithe legs just sticking out of those teeny-tiny shorts, just teasing.
I'm gonna hate her, like, five times tonight.
Guys, I'm talking about sex.
Got it.
Well, at least we got Scotty.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
I was getting juiced up.
Mango and orange.
Also doing steroids.
For my thyroid condition.
And for strength.
Cos of my weak spine.
Cos I do too many steroids.
Ooh, sunflower seeds! These are good roughage.
Swallowed a plastic bag I'm trying to pass.
(DUCKIE) Bottom of the fifth, and Team I don't know how to say this, folks.
Exceller? Is two outs away from being knocked out in the first round, much like I got knocked out by that teenage girl when I politely asked her if her dog could quit biting my hands.
Here we go.
'Here's the pitch.
' Strike two! Time-out.
'Oh, another swing and a miss, and that is strike two.
' Dave, you're 0 for 4, you've left seven men on base.
This pitcher's got my number, man.
What did we talk about, huh? Visualisation.
You see the ball, you kick the ball.
See the ball, you kick the ball.
See the ball, kick the ball.
'Rose steps back in after a pep talk.
The pitch' And Dave Rose is down on strikes.
Grab some bench.
And Team Seelo is down to their final out.
Well, we had a good run.
Actually, we had no runs.
Where are we getting pizza? Amici's.
I overheard in the men's room that's where everyone's going.
That was me in the men's room! I love Amici's! Guys, stop it! We still have a chance.
Max, you're the manager.
You're supposed to inspire.
I got nothing left.
Dare it out.
Brad, I still haven't heard anyone chant "Bunt Cake" yet.
No-one chants that.
But they could.
Penny, you came here to met guys.
I don't see no ring on that finger.
(GASPS) Dave, you can still get over your yips.
We've got one out left, and we will win this, because we're a team! You didn't do me.
Shut up! I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna start a rally! Come on! It's Kerkovich at the plate.
The pitch It's out of here! Unbelievable, folks, a gigantic home run from a child-sized woman.
Very impressive for a chubby! Dave Rose He is terrible! And Penny Hartz And Team Zazou wins.
Wow, what a comeback! Yeah! We did it! Yeah! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yeah! You might not suck! Left foot, right? Left, left Yesss! And Team Zazou wins 11-5, and they're just one win away from the championship game.
That was so amazing today! Yep, I managed a hell of a game out there.
OK, game ball time.
OK, bring it in.
And the game ball goes to Max, for managing a hell of a game out there.
Oh, looky, looky, it's Jane-edict Arnold.
Hello, Jane.
Hello, Newman.
I don't know if you've heard, but we got game.
Kickball game.
Looks like we're meeting Kaz's Auto Body in the semifinals.
The kickball semifinals.
Classic battle, good versus evil, Bulls versus Pistons, My Aunt Michelle versus hepatitis B.
And we got moves you don't even know about.
I know your one move.
Bunt.
They call me Bunt Cake.
Man, no-one calls you that! Anyway, you're only as good as your weakest link.
I'm talking about yipsy-kye-ay motherfailure over there.
See the ball, kick the ball.
See the kick, kick the Penny.
No, David! Ohhhh! Good luck with that.
Yeah, don't worry about my team, Jane, all right? Cos we're a team.
We stick together.
It's called loyalty.
You don't know nothing about that.
Nothing! We gotta cut that sad motherfailure.
You're damn right we do.
But you gotta do it.
He's used to hearing crap from you.
You got it.
Yo, team-mates! You ready to throw another W up on the board today? (IMITATES STEAM TRAIN) Choo-choo! Next stop, championship.
All aboard! M-Slice! B-Rad! Big A! Weird S P-Dog! And Lance Briggs! That's the name on my state ID.
I don't drive.
It's too dangerous.
What is Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs doing in our dug-out? Listen, Dave D-Town.
Dave.
Lance works out at Brad's Pilates gym.
That's how I keep the cord tight.
Heard that.
No, you didn't.
We asked him to join the team, bud.
So that means we're gonna have to replace somebody, buddy.
Ouch! That's some harsh barley.
But what's good for the gander is good for the geese.
Sorry, Scotty, you're pretty weird anyway.
Oh, it's not me, Doug.
Dave.
Well, if it's not Scotty, then who Ohhh! It's me, isn't it? Dave, we just can't get eliminated now.
Bunt Cake's gotten addicted to people calling him Bunt Cake.
No-one calls you that.
But they will.
Sorry, but it's not gonna be me.
You know, I haven't hooked up yet, and I'm mad horny, son! Ooh, I'll do stuff to you.
Please no.
Look, guys, have I been in a slump? Yes.
Is Lance Briggs a superior athlete? Doy! Does he have the body of a Greek god? Amen! But the point is, Lance would it be weird if I asked you for your autograph right now? I usually only give these to sick kids, but you look in bad shape.
(DUCKIE) 'Well, here we are, the score is 5-4, Kaz's Auto Body in the lead.
' Coming to their final out of the tournament, Team Zoola's last hopes rest on Alex Kerkovich, who'll be facing up against Jane Kerkovich-Williams.
Wow, they're sisters.
'I just found that out.
' Hashtag-WhoKnewTheyWereSisters! Baboo! That should be my T-shirt.
(BABOO ECHOES) T-shirt T-shirt Alex Alex Kerkovich Ruthless.
Just ruthless.
'Wait, that's a fair ball!' You're out.
'Oops, she didn't see that pitch coming!' And that's the ball game, folks! 'Kaz's Auto Body are going to the championship game!' And I got to see female belly for the first time since my wife moved into the second bedroom.
Ooh, Baboo the Monkey.
I loved that show.
Hey, Lance Briggs, shut it! Come on, even though it's over, I don't want to see any long faces.
We're Team Xela.
We got to pick our chins up.
Max, are you crying? Yeah.
Turns out there is crying in kickball.
God, I hate losing.
I hate it so much.
It sucks! And I hate being humiliated by Jane.
Unless it's on my terms.
With a safe word.
And I screwed over Dave.
I mean, what did Lance Briggs even do for us? Well, Robbie Gould, the Bears kicker, also goes to my gym.
What? Oh, I should've asked him, huh? No, no, no, this is on me.
It was supposed to be about fun, and I got drunk on winning and I forgot what was important, and now it's all over.
It's not over.
(ALL) What? You guys are playing Ivanov in the championship.
Kaz's got disqualified for corking their sneakers with steel.
Uhhh! If you can't trust an auto-body shop, who can you trust? I turned them in to the league.
Really? But you said you wanted to "Taste the sweet nectar of victory", because you were, "Pretty sure it'd taste like blood.
Human blood.
" Oh, it so does.
But I wanna be ruthless with you, not against you.
Awww! Yay, Team Xela is back together.
Yay, I said Xela right! Look, Dave, I feel terrible about this Lance Briggs thing, so I made you apology soup.
Is it the same recipe as, "I'm sorry you saw my mom naked" soup? Yep, corn chowder.
I get it.
You guys wanted to win.
Yeah, but I realised that it's not about winning.
It's about having fun with your friends.
So I want you to come back tomorrow and play.
I can't do that.
You're that mad? Look, I don't have time to break out the soul cooker and make apology pork loin with a side of super-sorry glaze.
I just don't have the time.
I'm not mad.
Kickball is about friendship.
I want my friends to win so I'm gonna let Scotty play for me tomorrow.
But I will be there supporting my team like a total badass.
Really? High five.
Let's try it again.
I got a piece of it.
Yikes.
It is the fifth and final inning, folks.
Ivanov Nail Salon leads 3-0.
We're one out away from finishing this year's championship.
Team Shammy has Kerkovich on second and Hartz on first.
And that brings up Brad Williammmmmmmmzzz! (TEAM CHANT) Bunt Cake! Bunt Cake! Bunt Cake! Bunt Cake! I'm here! Bunt Cake! Bunt Cake! All right, you guys, come on.
I gotta concentrate.
Jeez! I'm notched at this point.
Now, in a page from the Bambino he is calling a home run No, wait, in a page from no-one, he is calling a bunt.
In my 36 hours of covering kickball, folks, I've never seen anything so confusing.
Here's the pitch.
Oh, my God, he didn't bunt, he kicked a single! Oh, my God! It's the exact same result as a bunt! But it feels so much better! Bases loaded! Right, Scotty, you got this, go bring 'em home.
You got the right guy, Max.
I despise Soviets.
You know why? Because they rendered every single one of my old globes obsolete.
OK, go get 'em.
Ohh, my weak spine! Ohhh, my weak knees! I need steroids! Time-out.
Who you got? Hey! What? Can you do this for me, D-Town? Yeah.
Nope.
No.
Yeah.
No, I can't.
Dave, listen, stop blaming yourself for hitting me.
It was an accident! It'd be hardnot to hit me.
Look at this melon! Even Tim Russert would be, "Damn, girl, your head's all swelled up!" It's so big! All right, all right.
That's enough.
Look, just stop putting so much pressure on yourself, OK? Kick it, don't kick it - just have fun.
Yeah! Thanks, guys.
Let's do this.
Dave Rose? But he's terrible! Right, come on, baby, big kick! The tension here is high.
All right, here's the pitch.
We won! And it's over! Ivanov wins the Northside Kickball Classic! They lost.
Why are they celebrating? An inexplicable celebration from Team Shayla.
Sorry, folks, I must be drunk.
I said their name wrong.
Perhaps is moral victory.
(SOBS) Do you ever see stuff in the stars? Sure do.
See right there, under Ursa Minor? I see a wide receiver running a slant as we drop into cover two.
Oh, yeah! Mm-hm.
What about up there? Oh, right there? Just above Orion's Belt? I see an H-back in spread formation.
He's about to run a checkdown.
What do you see? I see a puppy.
We areso in sync.
Agreed.
(THEY BOTH SIGH HAPPILY)