Happyland (2014) s01e01 Episode Script

Pilot

1 (People screaming) And have a happy day at Happyland, my friends.
Don't be late for the Ricky show.
(Man in speaker) Next show's up, next show is up! Cowboy Ricky's on in two.
Where the hell is my new Ricky? Jim, Joe, either one of you seen our new Ricky? - I'm not Joe.
- You're not Joe? I need a giant raccoon in a cowboy hat in the next six seconds.
Lucy, I can do it.
You're still in your Hawaiian Ricky gear.
- I'll swap out costumes.
- Hey, keep that tail in your pants, Will.
- You know union regulations.
- Hey, she needs Hey, down on the right, you see? Corporate suit guy decided to pay us a visit.
Keep it tight.
Got it I need all eyes on Ricky Raccoon.
All eyes on Oh I'm assuming that's me.
I know you're new here but you're also an idiot.
This goes without saying, look how I'm dressed.
Okay, to review.
Enter through the curtain and do your dance with the cowboys the second the crowd makes the words come out.
Then you have love and shoves, you know Hug a kid, pose for a picture, sign an autograph.
Pray you don't get chicken pox while I run interference.
Remember, to this kids you are Ricky Raccoon.
So no dream crushing or illusion shattering on my watch.
If you're in distress the signal is take off your cowboy hat.
So, I shove it and then make love to cowboys? Got it? Oh! I could really go for a burrito.
Hold on, is that pot? (Sniffing) Are you, are you stoned? I'm getting kind of a high-strung vibe from you.
So, there's really no answer to that question that you're gonna like.
(Kids chanting) Ricky, Ricky, Ricky! Okay, 420, you're on.
(Music playing, cheering) (Ricky) Hey, kids, it's me, Cowboy Ricky! You all ready for a hoedown? (Music playing) (Man) All right! (Gasping) We have a Ricky tumble.
We got a Ricky tumble! Come on, kids, clap those hands! Why is Ricky taking a nap on the job? Silly Ricky! All right.
Move to the left, move to the right! We'll be right back, boys and girls.
All right.
(Chanting) Ricky, Ricky, Ricky! Clap your hands, yeah.
(Crowd cheering) Hey, kids, it's me, Cowboy Ricky! Switch outs done, wide-eyed wonder preserved.
Hey, new guy.
While you were doing Ricky Raccoon with seizures you forgot to tell those kids how Santa Claus was killed by terrorists.
(Laughing) It gets hot under that costume.
You got high under that costume.
I was already high, but don't tell me you've never passed out inside those things.
I'm not the performing type, kind of like you're the unable-to-handle-his-buzz- without-fainting type.
Oh, you're going to narc on me? The stage manager will take one sniff in here and fire your a-bs.
I'm sorry, what were you saying? S01E01 Pilot If you're looking for more adjectives to go with "can't handle his pot," let's start with irresponsible, caddish Unjustifiably self-satisfied, smug and, of course, - douchey.
- Oh, those are good.
Hey, Magic Mike, put on some clothes.
You know, kid, I was a fur for ten years.
You gotta make friends with the Gatorade.
But, maybe you'd be better as a face.
Yeah, right height, right complexion for a Prince Valor, and we're short on 'em.
Less wardrobe so it wouldn't be as hot.
And heat is why you collapsed, right? - Totally the heat.
- All right, then.
We'll get you learnin' the part stat, but for now hydrate.
You have guys who've waited years to play Valor, and this asshat screws up right out the gate, so why are you going to give him a second chance? Trust me on this one, back off.
Hey, maybe add asshat to the list? Harper, this place is beautiful.
I'm afraid to touch anything, but it's beautiful.
- I'm not.
- Hey, your hands get near those walls you're on probation.
And what happens on probation? No christening the jacuzzi.
Can't have that, can we? You stink, baby.
That's what a real man smells like after working all day.
Hmm, a real man who gives fuzzy hugs to toddlers - in a raccoon suit? - It's my job.
You know, my parents didn't get promoted to corporate, so I still have to work to make some money.
Hey, I still work in the park.
And now you live in Dazzle, a Happyland-owned town.
Okay, are we done with the guilt Harper portion of the evening? - Nah - No.
Too bad, I hear the jacuzzi's got like 19 settings.
Go! I hear setting 15 is, like, next level.
Okay.
(Sighing) (Splashing) Hey, Dirty Dave.
Hey, Lucy.
Hey, you get me that job at the park yet? Super on top of it, buddy.
Sweet.
(Giggling) (Woman) You're the only person to tell me that.
(Laughing) Oh, hi.
This is Avinash, he's a chef at Happy Calcutta.
Avinash, this ray of sunshine is my sister Lucy.
Yep, the sister she gave birth to 17 years ago.
Our family tree is pretty mind-boggling.
It is late, I must go.
Hey, you don't have to leave.
(Door closing) Mom, is Chef Avinash my real dad? That man could have been the love of my life.
You don't know.
I do though, he's not.
When was the last time you paid the electric bill? Give me a break, I just did eight shifts of "Love at First Sight" with Prince Valor today, and I think he stole my eyeliner again.
I'll take care of it, okay? What's for dinner? What you making? Peanut butter and batteries, apparently.
Crap, I should have stopped at the grocery store.
Honey, relax, we're going to do takeout tonight because tomorrow is the Summer Happy Ball and the park is buying! I may have to skip out this year.
I have a Relief Partners interview after work.
Can't you just stay home and rebel like all - the other teenagers? - Well, I'd get to travel and it helps with college scholarships.
Yeah, but if you leave, who's going to be my wing girl this summer? Sue who runs the wizard shop? Sue has a lazy eye.
So she can scope out twice as many guys for you.
Everybody wins.
(Sighing) Just promise you won't forget about me - when you cure typhoid.
- Oh, they already cured typhoid.
It's more about preventing it in developing countries.
No hablas así a tu mamá.
I thought I was your sister.
(Lucy) And I'm also a straight a student.
Well, almost, I have a b in calculus, which I mostly took to prove that girls can be good at math.
But it turns out I happen to be a girl who's terrible at math.
- Bad at math, got it.
- But people in developing countries don't need derivatives, right? No, just clean water.
Ah, did I mention I'm also terrible at jokes? Okay, well, thank you for coming in.
(Whispering to herself) Denise, hi.
It's Lucy Velez.
Um, I just wanted to add that I think all people around the world should receive health, prosperity and, and care.
That's our mission statement, it's on the website.
(Alarm chirping) Great website.
Not really turning this around, am I? You have stellar grades and essays, but what I was hoping to see from you today is why you want to sign up.
I've lived in Happyland my whole life.
And all around all you hear is "dreams come true," and stuff, but I don't necessarily believe that.
You work at the park so long you think that life's gonna turn into a fairytale.
I've seen it happen to my mo To other people.
But Relief Partners is about reality, and I want to be a part of something real.
How about you come back for a final interview with the executive director, and we'll see what's what.
(Music playing) (Chatter) I knew you would crush it! My girl's curing malaria.
Again, malaria already curable.
Hey, who's that? New guy in the character department.
Huge dick.
Wha This type of thinking is how you ended up a teen mom.
You need to live a little, mija.
Did you see the way that he looked at you? I felt it, Dave felt it.
I felt it.
How did you even get in here? Hors d'oeuvres, we're going classy tonight.
(Clinking) (Man) Hello and welcome.
My name's James Chandler, and my grandpa Hank founded Happyland.
20 odd years ago I played Ricky Raccoon here then sadly I left Happyland for Wall Street.
Now you all know our happy magic has a strong pull, and I couldn't leave this place for good.
I'm thrilled to finally announce that I will be taking over as Happyland's new president.
(Applause and cheering) My son Theodore will be stepping up as the creative director of the park.
(Clapping) Working as Ricky really taught me the ropes, so I thought that my youngest son should start the same place and he's already off to a great start.
Ian, get up here.
(Applause and cheering) Oh I partied with that guy.
Totally getting a job here.
But I told you I'm not up for this, we should go.
Come on, it's the president of Happyland.
You've been here forever, put in some face time.
Elena, right? You were Princess Adriana when I was an executive.
What, like 20 years ago.
Not quite 20.
Don't you go aging me.
Dad, this is Richard Norton, head of our branding department he has a couple of questions for you.
So, I'm sorry, how long have you been playing Princess Adriana? Oh, eh long enough to be the best.
You should hear her laugh of whimsy, it's very whimsical.
Ah, I'm sure.
Well, it's always a pleasure meeting long-time employees.
We should go.
Hey, hey, hold up.
Luc, come on.
Go ahead, I'll see you soon.
So, you never mentioned your full name.
Oh, I didn't? Ian Chandler.
What I didn't want you to play nice.
I'm more fun when you're pissed at me.
You're lucky I'm still pissed at you.
Well, at least let me try to get back on your good side.
"Back" implies a time when you were.
Look, you showed me the ropes.
Let me repay the favor and show you something cool.
What I think you're sweet well, sweet might be a stretch.
We'll go with plucky, what do you say? What do you say to what exactly? Oh, my God, Luc, the view's bananas! We could totally get fired for being up here.
Hey, I won't tell if you won't.
Ian, you are so bad.
When were you going to tell everyone who you are? A libra? (Harper laughing) (Fireworks exploding) Never seen it from up here.
Yeah, it's amazing, right? (Harper giggling) Okay, this has been fun and job threatening.
But Harper, we should, we should go.
Yeah, I promise, wherever you're going it's less fun than here.
Yeah, fun police, we just got here.
Will will wonder where we are.
Oh, Will will? Whatevs? Ever since I moved to Dazzle he's been acting like one of those self-righteous poor people from "Le mis.
" Harper, please don't fall off the roof.
(Whispering) Do you think he likes me? Shh! (Sighing) Look at you making breakfast.
Someone got in late last night.
Your wing girl has a curfew now? Well, a text would have been nice.
So, what did Ian Chandler want? Well, he showed me a nice view of the park.
Hmm, that better be all that he showed you.
Not that anything happened, but when he smiled at me you practically booked us a hotel room.
What's up with you? Honey, trust me, I get guys like Ian Chandler.
You should stay away.
I'm just trying to give you advice.
Oh, so now you're a guy expert.
Honey, you're smart in a lot of ways, but some things I know more about.
How can I forget considering I've had a front-row seat to the parade of winners you've brought around.
Oh, thank you, nice way to talk to your mother.
Oh, so now you're the mother? Look who buys groceries, does laundry and pays bills.
Don't change the subject, we both do our part to get by here.
Yeah, my part is doing everything and yours is chasing boys around like a hormonal teenager.
I'm sorry that's what you think.
And good luck at your interview, mija.
(Lucy) They give citations for the grass being too long? I think you moved into a cult.
There's nothing wrong with bettering yourself.
It's like when you see fat people exercising.
My family's just trying to fit in.
So fitting in means throwing yourself at Happyland royalty when you have a boyfriend who loves you? Right, my boyfriend who only has eyes for me.
Harper, seriously, let it go.
Will's like my brother.
But even before I moved to Dazzle, you guys always had more in common.
You both work in the character department, you both were raised by single parents, both Economically challenged? I didn't say that.
Sorry, I'm not saying the right thing today at all.
Hey, Luc, your mom is on in 10 and, eh, and no one can find her.
Elena Velez is scheduled to perform as Princess Adriana, yes? I've never seen her miss a show in 15 years.
I appreciate your loyalty, but if I've been observing for two days and she's already missed one of them - we might want to - My mom's not coming.
Bad Indian food last night.
- What? - Huh? She asked me to fill in.
Maybe I should get into costume? - Maybe you should.
- Yeah.
You, you have an interview in an hour.
Then we better hurry.
Lucy you can't blow this Relief Partners thing.
I can still make this it in time, my mom can't lose this job.
You don't even know what to do out there.
I know all the lines, the song is prerecorded and I've seen the dance since I was in diapers.
Do I look ridiculous? Totally.
(Sighing) And so I'm told I will and I'm worn come clean come clear come home Hey, I think I'm rocking the escape the band camp look like a pro.
You're not high again, are you? Define high.
You're gonna blow this and my mom's gonna lose her job.
Lucy, Lucy, I'm not high.
We lip synch the song and dance, pose for pictures and sign autographs for 45 minutes, right? Yeah, but I have somewhere to be.
We have to hurry.
God, I don't even have a car! Don't worry I got you.
You want something to take the edge off? Kidding again; Here, see you in a second.
(Narrator in speaker) Once upon a time in the kingdom of Prince Valor there lived a beautiful girl named Adriana.
You're not changing? No time! Change in the car.
Don't peek.
(Tires screeching) Denise, Denise.
You're half-an-hour late.
I'm sorry but I'm, I'm here now.
We filled the spot.
But I'm sure you were late for a good reason.
We need to go back.
You're not supposed to take costumes out of the park.
Thanks for the ride, that was solid of you.
I'm not sure what to do with you being nice to me, it feels so wrong.
I'm never getting out of here.
Maybe despite what you say you kind of like it here.
I mean, look, your friends are here, your family's here.
- Happyland is home.
- So I just want to - play my whole life safe? - No, I didn't say "safe.
" Maybe you kind of want it to happen that way.
Yeah, I wanted my mom to flake out.
Nothing here makes you want to stay? No Nothing.
I wanna love you don't deserve to oo oo ooh (Gloria) Lucy, stop! (Distant sirens wailing) I'm so sorry I didn't show, I screwed up.
Looks like you get to keep me here for another summer after all.
I didn't know you were going to sub in for me, Lucy.
- I swear, I never would - What the hell, mom? Where were you? Okay, listen About Ian, I didn't want you kissing him because let's just focus on one of your epic screw-ups at a time, please? Well, they're connected.
Eh, look.
I was late because I got a phone call.
I got a phone call from James Chandler.
Ian's dad.
Ian's dad.
And and your dad.