Happyland (2014) s01e06 Episode Script

Disorderly Conduct

1 Previously on "Happyland" We should talk about your future.
You're looking at the newest Happyland VIP tour guide.
Ian was right to get you this job.
He asked me to get you a spot in security.
I didn't tell you about me and Ian because - Because you do like him? - No.
Because he's my brother.
We did say we were gonna hang out this weekend.
Either pre-med, or international relations, definitely.
Hey, Lucy.
Harp.
Hey.
Well, I got to get to my shift.
Bye.
Next time, try to make that so awkward, one of you bursts into flames.
Hey, you know what? We just got through three seconds of conversation.
Progress.
(Lucy) There's Noah.
How about this booth? Huh? Reppin' the hell out of Haynes, or what? Oh, yeah.
What can you tell me about the Ivy League of the southwest? Only that I'll miss you when I go back there this weekend.
So I'm gonna get some coffee.
(Chuckles) I don't blame him.
I mean, we're kind of being the people that I usually hate.
He's just sort of down on college as a whole.
Doesn't think he'll ever go.
Well, you should apply.
Like I'd ever get in.
They only, accept, like, 4% of applicants, right? You'd get in.
My work-study is in admissions, so I see who makes the cut.
Maybe I could talk to someone there, get pointers on how to nail my application.
Come with me this weekend.
I can make that happen.
Wait.
You're serious? You know what? That's probably a bad idea.
I mean, buses are usually booked by now.
I'll get my mom's car.
Road trip? (Chuckles) I will cancel my ticket.
(Chuckles) Where do you think he expects you to sleep? Since when do road trips mean sleeping together? Did I miss a day in driver's Ed? Yeah, the same day we covered left-hand turns.
He just wants to get you into his dorm room.
Okay, we're talking about a college visit, not my sex life.
Since when do you have a sex life? You're pushing the boundaries of this male/female best friends thing.
You need more dude buddies.
I'm just saying, has something changed recently? Are you starting a blog? Yeah.
The giving up your "V" card on a college road trip blog.
I got to change for my shift.
Try not to bang anyone in the dressing room.
Hi, honey.
(Chuckles) Look at you, such a good little cleaner.
Wait, is that racist? You're my kid.
We'll let it slide.
Here, let me help.
You're working all weekend, right? Uh-huh.
Could I maybe borrow the car to visit Haynes? - Be back by Monday.
- Isn't that where Noah goes? Oh.
Yeah.
And he'll be introducing me to the head of admissions.
Amazing! It would be even more amazing if there was a chance I'd let you go.
It's a college visit, mom.
With a boy.
One thing leads to another.
I went down a road like this before when I was a few years older than you, and I ended up with a Lucy.
I can have sex here.
He'll pressure you.
Trust me.
And you won't be able to just leave.
You know, you can't just say I'm your best friend when you want to vent about guys and then pull mom rank just because you learned how a broom works.
I said no! Hey, Tom.
Just picking up my dad's check.
So, someone's slumming it tonight, huh? (Sighs) All right, if we have to throw down again, let me finish eating while you grab your raccoon suit, okay? I know you got me the security job.
I'm not sure why you did it, but Thank you.
Well, you're Lucy's friend.
Yeah, yeah, she's thrilled with me right now.
Why? I just kind of busted her balls about going away with Noah this weekend.
She's going away with him? Forget it, man.
Thanks again for the job, though.
See you around.
I should have started rebelling when I was 12.
She would have been worn down by now.
You got that temporary tattoo last Halloween.
Can't she just give me a little credit? Noah's not that kind of guy.
And it's not like I'd be honor bound to sleep with him if he were.
Well, would you have wanted to? - No slut-shaming here.
- Harper Come on, do you actually want to talk with me about this stuff, or are we just gonna go back to being polite? I like him.
And I'm not, you know, waiting to do it under a perfect waterfall with Chris Hemsworth or something.
It's just It's just you want your first time to be with someone that's not gonna pull a James Chandler and bail.
That's not what Here's what I think.
Sleep with him, don't sleep with him, whatever, your call.
But if you want to go, don't let your mom's baggage stop you.
Borrow my car.
I'll cover for you.
Will.
Hey.
You, uh you here to talk about Haynes? Pass.
I hear you got a big weekend planned with Lucy.
I'm just gonna introduce her to the admissions guy.
Just remember she's a great girl.
So, you better treat her like one.
I'll remember.
All of you keep reminding me.
He and I had the same conversation, like, 10 minutes ago.
(Gloria) Have a great day.
Oh, no tips.
Thank you.
(Quietly) Not even that hundred.
Miss Velez.
We have a special VIP coming in Kevin Mills.
He's a major contributor to the park, and And he just bought an island! Oh, sorry.
Tabloids.
I don't read 'em.
They were in my dentist's office.
We need to make sure that he has a good time.
And you want me to guide him? My father specifically requested you.
Apparently, he thinks you're eminently qualified.
And I'm sure he wouldn't give such a big assignment without a good reason.
Right? Hey! So, this weekend (Sighs) My mom has lost her mind about giving me the car, and Don't worry about it.
Your buddies will and Ian kind of interrogated me - and got me thinking - They did what now? Look, I'm not gonna pretend like I wasn't wondering if this trip was gonna be a chance to maybe take things to the next level, but I don't want to pressure you, and I completely understand if you don't want to go.
We can just cancel I was just gonna say we'll take Harper's car.
This trip is happening.
I'm in.
I was just gonna say we'll take Harper's car.
Hey, can you call in sick later? I can't miss work unless you miss work.
I don't know.
It's not really a good time for me to duck out of Prince duty.
Come on.
Do me a solid.
You kind of owe me after interrogating Noah like that.
Which was about what, exactly? Look, I'm not giving my dad and brother more ammunition to come down on me just so you can get Ivy League laid.
Why do you care? Come, brothers.
Let us embrace as men.
Rumor has it that Hank Chandler's body is cryogenically frozen beneath Happyland, but the truth is I'm sorry, um, how long does this last? It's another hour.
Four more lands.
Mr.
Mills, is there anything I can do to make your tour more enjoyable? As a VIP, you are entitled to To something.
I dump my money into these charities at Happy World Fund, Ricky's Kids, this new Happyland scholarship, and, what, I get the same tour thousands of visitors see? What new scholarship? You know what? Let's just call it a day.
No, no, wait.
(Chuckles) I really want you to enjoy this.
There has to be something here you'd be excited about.
How hard would it be to let me try on a Ricky costume? Well, it goes against regulations.
But I can make that happen.
Come on.
Switch out for the weekend, and I'll take your second shifts for a month.
AARP character dining and Free Ricky Sippy Cup Day.
Toothless people eating and leaky diapers? Yep.
And Sippy Cup Day.
You're really turning the screws on me here, guys.
Hey, I had plans to get my abs airbrushed.
You're gonna have to make it worth our while.
Fine.
I'll take them all.
Throw in serial killer appreciation day.
Just go back out there now and finish this weekend, okay? Done.
What are you doing? I switched our shifts.
Hope you like drool.
Remember the part where I didn't agree to any of this? Okay, you can sell me out to Theodore, or you could just be my friend.
Aren't you two supposed to be on? We swapped out.
Oh, I should have stayed away from the pupusas at the Happy Hacienda.
Can I get a day or two off? Just don't use the word "food poisoning" above ground.
We don't want another Happy Mongolian Barbecue incident.
Yeah.
You're a way better actor when you're not playing Valor.
Thanks.
He'd better be a good guy.
I bet Richard Branson never got to do this! (Laughs) See? Tours don't have to suck.
Hey, take a picture with me for my kids.
Uh, nah, oh, the head.
Okay.
(Grunts) - (Chuckles) - All right? - Now one more.
- Okay.
Okay, uh, we should wrap it up.
Guests really aren't supposed to be down here.
Time to scoot.
Well, golly, gee, Willikers.
What's the big rush? Oh, that is a really good Ricky voice, Mr.
Mills.
Mr.
Mills? Oh, you can call me Ricky.
Why don't you put on the Roxie costume and we'll forage for garbage, and I'll mount you while you nibble trash? Hey! Back off! What the hell kind of tour is this? - Oh, no.
- You you you were taking a picture for my kids.
Mija, you can throw it back in my face later, but right now I really need you.
Call me, please? (Phone beeps) Are you okay? Lucy's not answering.
Where is she? She, uh she should be off in a few.
I'll tell her to call.
Oh, there she is.
Oh, wait! Lucy.
Where's Lucy? (Chuckles) She switched to get the weekend off.
Thanks for the beers, man.
(Chuckles) I will never look at the plunderer's cave the same way again.
Amateur porn just a nice job perk.
People love doing nasty things in innocent places, huh? And they forget we have security cameras everywhere.
We print the best pics.
So, what were you doing talking to Noah today? I just wanted to make sure he was aboveboard.
Same as you, right? You know If Harper's got to date someone new, I'm glad it's not some Choad.
(Chuckles) Wait.
Oh, crap.
You got to be kidding me.
That's Noah.
Please don't judge me for my emasculating road trip playlist.
Lots of ladies with guitars singing about their feelings.
- Oh.
- You've been warned.
(Chuckles) Excited to hear you sing along in falsetto.
(Both chuckling) Hey, I have a devoted Internet following.
You know, I have no trouble believing that.
Noah, I'll meet you downstairs.
Staying at Harper's for the weekend? Not like you to lie to me.
I'm sorry I lied, but Okay, you're coming home with me right now, Lucy, I mean it.
You missed the boat on laying down the law.
I'm 17.
In a year, I'm going off to college.
I'm not like you.
If I want to go visit a school with a boy that I like, I'm going.
Lying and running off with a boy you barely know, just like me.
It's not your call.
I'll see you Monday.
(Cell phone rings) Hello.
(Woman) This is Mr.
Chandler's office.
He'd like to see you immediately.
(Sighs) You okay? We're not, like, obligated to do this right now.
Maybe we should call this off.
All good.
Let's just beat the traffic.
Lucy.
(Scoffs) You guys are both unbelievable.
- Let's go, Noah.
- Lucy.
Hey, come on.
It was cute before.
Now it's just getting stupid.
Back off.
What's this about, Will? It's about this.
From security footage Tuesday.
Is this you in the Plunderer's Cave with the girl who sells turkey legs in Gold Rush Land? You and I never made anything official.
So, it's cool for you to have sex with another girl and go away with me in the same week? It's how it is in college.
Lucy.
Hey.
Lucy.
She sells turkey legs.
Lucy.
(Theodore) Kevin Mills said you were rude and unprofessional.
He's pulling his contributions unless we let you go.
So, what happened? Mr.
Mills was bored, so I took him down to the dressing room, and He made a pass at me.
I said no, but he still went for it.
So, all we know for sure is that she took a guest somewhere that he wasn't supposed to be.
You're right.
I shouldn't have taken him down to the dressing room.
But if this is in the job description, then I don't want it.
I'm not some naive girl who just does whatever a rich man wants.
I quit.
Theodore, tell Mr.
Mills he's no longer welcome in the park.
Dad, I highly recommend you don't do that.
Noted, but last I checked, I was still in charge of this place.
Was that about today or 18 years ago? Today.
But I should have apologized a long time ago.
I panicked.
I already had a kid, and I I always thought about you.
Sometimes I wondered what would have happened if you hadn't Like you said, it was a long time ago.
I figured you'd be halfway to Haynes by now.
What are you doing here? Noah was hooking up with another girl this whole time.
I'm an idiot.
(Sighs) Oh, mija, I can't tell you how many times guys haven't turned out to be who I thought.
Like mother, like daughter, I guess.
I shouldn't have said all that stuff.
No, some of it was right.
You're growing up and going away soon no matter how much I wish I could keep you here.
Even if by some miracle I charmed the admissions guy, never could have afforded to go.
I'm not so sure about that.
There's a new program the Happyland Scholarship.
Covers tuition to prep school and college for qualified employees.
Says it right there.
Kind of memorized it.
(Chuckles) Are you serious? Well, it's a little too late for me to apply, but I got you an interview for next week.
(Laughs) See? Sometimes you still need me.
Shush.
(Both chuckle) So, what did turkey-leg girl say? She didn't know about me either.
Was she pissed? At Noah.
But I get free turkey legs through forever, so I come out ahead.
Or maybe I still lose.
(Both chuckle) Sucks.
He'll just keep doing the same "look at me, I'm nerdy and adorable" beta male routine on some other girl.
(Gasps) Oh Hey, guys.
Hey, Will.
Think I could talk to Lucy alone? So There's something I want to ask you.
You know, I already forgave you last week.
I shouldn't have given you such a hard time about Noah.
But you were right about him.
Yeah, there was that.
Strike that apology.
Here we are.
Ricky's Flicks.
No offense, but I've seen them all.
Did you forget I'm not a tourist? Not Ricky's Flicks.
A nontourist should know there's something else inside that building.
Yeah, like you scored us passes to Club Happy.
Oh, my God! (Chuckles) (Chuckling) Getting pretty chummy with the Chandler boys, huh? Theodore getting you free passes.
Let's just say he owed me one.
You do not keep secrets from me, Will Armstrong.
You are gonna have to beat it out of me.
I've taken you before.
Fourth grade.
I have the upper hand now.
- I hope.
- (Chuckles) I better.
Look, I wanted there to be something wrong with Noah.
I've been telling you that I had your back because you were my friend, but You're not really just my friend.
Will You are and you always have been a lot more.
(Inaudible) At least, you know, I I want you to be.
Luce Did you hear me? Next time on "Happyland" I'm sick Of being scared.
Luce I still am.
I know you know.
Lucy has her mother.
That's her family.
I think you should get to know my dad.
I don't know if this family wants me around.
Folks, we have a special surprise.
We have our President, James Chandler.
With his family.