Hard Cell (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

Episode 3

1 ["Greensleeves" playing.]
You cannot put a price on the power of creativity.
Creativity leads to productivity, which leads to self-esteem, which leads to inmates being less likely to re-offend.
So, I've invested in a job-lot of modeling clay.
- As all good governors should.
- Danke.
But it's gone missing, hasn't it? All that clay.
Some clay has gone missing.
I see that as a win.
Youse don't takes what youse don't likes.
Unless, of course, you're in a prison full of thieves who will nick any old shit.
This This is Sebastian.
This is Sebastian.
He's one of those people that writes to women in prison.
Thinks everyone behind bars needs saving.
You know the sort.
The sort that could easily get taken advantage of financially.
And, unfortunately, that's what's happened.
'Cause when I said to him, "Will you save up money for a camper van, top-of-the-range camper van, so that when I'm out we can go traveling?" I didn't mean him and me.
I meant me and my mammy.
We're going on a road trip.
The road trip of our lives.
Road trip! [whispers.]
Sebastian's not coming.
You're not invited.
Don't tell him.
But you know what, love, it makes us do strange things.
And he fell in love with this.
Well, actually he fell in love with this.
That's me.
My hair was longer.
- [inmates cheering.]
- You had that? You wouldn't get that in Essex.
Not even on the men.
[laughing, chattering.]
[voice on PA, indistinct.]
As if clay wasn't enough to be getting on with, she's now introduced an open-door policy.
" Which is Latin for, "I'm dreadfully inept, but please like me.
" - Knock, knock.
- Who's there? Oh, it's not the beginning of a joke, I just didn't know if I could walk straight in.
Yes, yes, I'm available to all of my inmates.
Anyone, anything, anytime.
So, I was just wondering, as it's visiting day, do I have any visitors? Well, let us have a look.
Uh Ros, you do.
Is it my mammy? It's my mammy, isn't it? My mammy's in the house My mammy's in the house ♪ Who's in the house? She's in the house ♪ My mammy's in the house ♪ It's Sebastian.
Oh, right, grand.
Your mammy's not in the house Your mammy's not in the house ♪ It doesn't have the same vibe, does it? I'm sorry, Ros.
Maybe she'll come soon.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, she's definitely going to come soon.
Come on.
Poor Ros.
First day of rehearsals for all my little musical boos.
Exciting, ain't it? - Exciting! - I do feel nervous.
I've got a new business! [all.]
What's your new business? I put on musicals at the airport.
How's business? It's a runway success.
Runaway success, as in "runway.
" No? Nah.
I got down to the last 32 on Love Island.
I've got nothing to prove.
Laura, we've got an idea.
Anyone, anything, anytime.
We want to talk to you about competitive rolling.
- Shall we talk about your idea first? - That is our idea.
We could put Woldsley on the map.
Make it a center of athletic excellence.
Go on, Madge, show her what you do.
Now do it backwards.
We could start a league.
Do doubles.
Or what's that thing they do when all those swimmers do it together? - [Madge.]
Come on, Jean.
Show her what you got.
[Jean grunts.]
- [thuds.]
- Oh.
Oh! [grunts.]
We'd wear proper kit and all.
- [Sebastian.]
- Hello.
Can you take your jacket off, please? - ["Summer Holiday" playing.]
- Step through.
Go over there.
We're all goin' on a summer holiday ♪ Nice.
You have yourself a nice day, okay? Fun and laughter on a summer holiday ♪ In person, Rosalind looks very different from her photo.
Can you believe this was taken on the day she arrived in prison? The experience has ravaged her.
But she will be out soon.
And we will be driving along the road to redemption in our new recreational vehicle Volkswagen California Coast 2.
0 TDI.
That I will have paid for but registered in her name.
And with God's love and determination, she will get back to looking like this.
I hear you're playing Maria.
You must have a good voice.
[in Afro-Caribbean accent.]
West Side Story.
It was my idea, you know.
Of course it was.
Like the clay.
Oh, give it a rest, Dean.
What don't you get? The more deposits you put into the bank of creativity, the greater the interest is on the balance of rewards when you come to withdraw the deposits of creativity from the previously saved bank account.
You might want to tighten that up before your TED Talk.
- Because that, it didn't make sense.
- Mm.
Clay makes sense.
Oh How are your ankles? - What? - [Laura.]
They get big, don't they? Balloon up.
Big, puffy, balloon ankles.
I mean, that's why I thought you'd be better off working in here instead of in the laundry.
Less time on your big, balloon ankles.
What's it like being pregnant? I used to put a cushion up my jumper to see what it felt like.
- Does it feel like that? - Again, what? I don't have kids.
A conscious decision.
Too demanding.
Too restrictive.
- Too late now.
- No.
No, it's not.
Nicole Kidman, 41.
Gwen Stefani, 44.
Geena Davis, twins, 48.
So, still plenty of time.
I didn't realize this job would involve so much chat.
I will try to rein that in.
[door closes.]
She didn't have to give you this job, you know? [Charlee.]
Was it nice of her to give me a desk job? Was it nice of her to talk about my puffy ankles? I mean, this is going on the telly.
What a prick! [no audible dialogue.]
I prefer doing this than be out there working, don't you? - [chattering, cheering.]
- [Gary.]
I love my job.
You get to come in and make a connection with all these women during their stay.
It's the stuff of life, is that.
Oh, yeah, it's life's rich tapestry in here, innit? Plus, you never know who's coming through them doors.
Oh, you having that one, Gal.
- Eh? - [chuckles.]
Right, what's going on? Come on, tell me everything.
- I always find visiting days hard.
- Why, 'cause we get a shorter lunch break? I'm not here for me.
I'm here for them.
That's why I took this job.
To give something back.
Make a difference.
I took this job because I can get to work without changing tubes.
Are they treating you all right? Do you want some food? [laughter.]
[chattering continues.]
Oh, you trying something new there, Fi? We all struggle with blending, but just remember, highlight is not a weapon.
- Fuck off.
- [laughs.]
Don't know what you're in here for, boo, but that contouring's criminal.
That's not one of my best lines.
No visitors? Oh, yeah, but I've asked them to wait until I've filed these.
- Oh, you don't have to do that.
- That was a joke.
- Because you don't have any visitors.
- Yeah.
- Want to do a TikTok? - What? - TikTok.
We could do a TikTok.
- No.
- Sure? - I'll do a TikTok with you.
'Cause that sounds like a great use of everyone's time.
[no audible dialogue.]
[cackling continues.]
You make me so happy, Rosalind.
I'm so proud of you.
I'm counting down the days until you are free, and it's not long now.
I cannot wait to show you off to my family.
They are going to love you as I do.
Mama Dede and Auntie Nala pray every night for the continued redemption of your wicked soul.
I said to them, respectfully, "She does not need your prayers.
I have looked into her eyes and I see the purest of all souls.
And I know with all my heart that she can do no wrong.
" [laughs.]
[Ros chuckling.]
Hey, Mr.
Tom Jones, you are big in Africa, do you know? Thank you.
I do feel bad about taking advantage of Sebastian, because, uh, well, yeah, it's theft, basically.
But, in my defense, I am a criminal.
And he knew that.
So, it's on him, really.
It's not like I tried to pretend to be anything I'm not.
Apart from that.
You had that? Pretend Parker Bowles is married to a Tom Jones lookalikey in real life.
What? It's not unusual.
Now that is one of my best lines.
He's laughing already.
Don't leave me hanging, Gal.
Bye! [kisses.]
- [chattering.]
- Let's be having you.
Laura came good on her word.
And I've got a new cellmate.
Please, Anastasia, it is my baseball cap.
No, this is my baseball cap.
My kids gave me that cap.
My uncle gave me this cap.
Please, Anastasia.
What a shame you lost your cap.
If I find it, I'll let you know.
Actually, on second thought, I will have a go of this singing lark.
- Oh, we've got a new addition.
- Yeah.
Who's in the house? She's in the house.
My mammy's in the house.
My mammy's in the house Have you read that email from the board yet? - I chose not to.
- On what basis? On the basis, they have a tendency lately to be very negative and extremely personal.
It's understandable.
Leading from the front, again.
When in doubt, ignore, ignore, ignore.
Can't hear you, can't hear you, can't hear you.
This one might be worth a look.
- No, thank you.
- Laura.
Read the email.
Oh, no.
Oh, fuck.
[chattering, laughter.]
So some of the girls I haven't met yet, but Cheryl, the cast list said I was ensemble, which is incorrect, I'm playing Bernard-O.
Uh, you mean Bernardo? Yes, Bernard-O.
And I've highlighted my script using a highlighter.
All right, girls.
Uh, most of you know Martin, our musical maestro, and, uh, this is Tom [chuckles.]
our dance captain.
He'll be putting you through your paces.
- [Martin.]
Right, who's up for a sing song? - [all cheer.]
Ah, ah, ah.
A few house rules.
No drill, no jazz, no folk.
Some people think I'm bonkers ♪ But I just think I'm free ♪ Man, I'm just livin' my life ♪ There's nothin' crazy about me ♪ - Some people pay for thrills ♪ - Daddy wouldn't buy me, a bow-wow ♪ [barks.]
Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow ♪ [barks.]
I got a little cat ♪ Meow.
And I'm very fond of that But I'd rather have a bow-wow, wow ♪ [barks.]
No wonder Daddy wouldn't buy her a bow-wow.
Thing's got rabies.
- Cheryl, do you have a minute? - [Cheryl.]
Change of plan.
We've been refused the rights to West Side Story.
- What? - I just read the email.
That's a bit late in the day.
Actually, it's a bit late in the week, because they sent it Monday.
I put off reading it, which I now regret.
What are we going to do? Well, unless anyone has an in with Andrew Lloyd Webber - Do you? - No.
Then could we make up our own one? - What? Make up our own musical? - If you think that's a possibility.
- I don't.
- Well, I do.
Because I have faith in you, and I have faith in these women.
What an opportunity.
I mean, thinking about it, it's actually better this way.
Break a leg, everyone! That just means good luck, Vivian.
I could hardly sleep, I was that excited.
It's a great thing you've done here.
I don't know what you're saying.
Nobody does.
Look, we've got to try.
I can't pull the rug from under their creative feet now.
It's too important.
They're already invested.
Plus, I've had a grant from the government, and everyone's expecting a full-blown production in just under a month.
Please don't film me from behind! I know you're still doing it.
You'll do.
What? Pride in the way I look.
What's the matter with that? It's wasted in here.
[door buzzes.]
So, shame about your West Side Story.
That's got to be a blow.
Yes, well, it is surprisingly difficult to get permission to do musicals.
I've heard that.
Plus, they probably caught wind of last year's Fiddler on the Roof scandal and thought, "Not a chance in hell.
" It was a talent show.
The point of putting on a talent show is to show people's talents.
Hey! However, we have all learned a lot from our diversity training since then.
- [Doug grunts.]
- Oh, for goodness sake, Doug! Every time.
Have you found the clay yet? - No.
- I don't think he knows about the clay.
Doug, a lot of clay has gone missing, so could you find that, please? [Doug.]
Yep! - I love Doug.
- Oh, yeah.
He da man.
[all arguing.]
I'm sorry I haven't got better news, ladies.
But it is what it is.
So what's that mean? We're not doing West Side Story? - But we started learning the songs.
- I learned I learned 'em.
We were going to be Sharks.
Puerto Rican Sharks.
- [Sally.]
- We were looking forward to that.
Sorry, we can't use any of it.
Songs or script.
Well, can't we do another musical instead? Lion King! Too late now.
We won't get permission in time.
So, what are we going to do? Current thinking is that we'd write our own one.
- Write our own musical? Fuck off.
- Hear, hear.
See, I knew this would be a waste of time.
- Fuck off on writing our own musical.
- [inmate.]
For real.
Let's not give up on ourselves so easily.
We throw away this opportunity, we throw away our power.
[Pat Pat.]
We're strong, proud women, and we deserve to be heard! - [Charlee.]
- We've got everything we need.
- We've got each other.
- We've got each other.
I reckon I'd be pretty good at writing songs, as it goes.
Come on! This is supposed to be about us taking back our narrative, anyway.
Right there.
[Cathy With The Hat.]
We've got our own stories, haven't we? Something's coming down the line ♪ [Sally.]
Oh God, here we go.
We can't do West Side Story But they won't take our glory ♪ We got our own moves and lyrics And something that rhymes with lyrics ♪ [both.]
That's really hard, to find something that rhymes with lyrics.
We certainly do have our own stories.
She's here because one day she fought back against a lifetime of domestic abuse.
And she's here because she made a stand against global warming.
Our stories are very different.
I often say, "They had to lock me up to set me free.
" And much to my surprise, after 17 happy years of marriage, I feel the same.
Heather, I don't know if you know, but we're gay for the stay.
- We're not.
- Could we work with that? - It already rhymes.
- [Sally.]
What are we going to call it? All right, Martine, jump on your keyboard and do us some chords.
- [all cheering.]
- Oh, yeah, come on, Martine.
- Charlee's got the voice.
- [vocalizing.]
I've got the moves.
Hey, come on, let's do it! What about Songs From The Inside? - [Ros.]
That's amazing.
- [all chattering.]
You think because you can't hear me I've got nothing to say ♪ You lock me up, forget me But I ain't going away ♪ I ain't going away ♪ [Sal vocalizes.]
I ain't going away ♪ [cheering, applause.]
She ain't going away ♪ 'Cause we are here to stay Can't make us go away ♪ Oh, my God, that rhymed.
I'm really good at this.
- [laughter.]
- I just got chills.
[cheering, applause.]
So what's the sitch with Bernard-O? Don't diss me like that I'm Cathy With The Hat ♪ What rhymes with "hat"? Bat.
Wait, do you mean, like, the cricket one or the Halloween one? Probably the cricket one.
But I think either could work.
Actually, no, definitely the cricket one.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
and I get down on the floor and start rolling round with Gormless.
[all laughing.]
But I'll tell you what, her open-door policy isn't as good as her open-bag policy, because we got this.
[all cheering.]
- Can I have some? - Is there any lipstick? - What about that one? - [No Hat Cathy.]
Oh, do you like that? - [Fi.]
I love that.
- Ooh.
- [No Hat Cathy.]
Who wants a pencil? - [Fi.]
[chattering continues.]
I've had some fantastic news from my solicitor.
I don't want to speak too soon or jinx anything, but it's looking likely that my trial will get thrown out.
But if I've got any chance of surviving while I'm in here, I've got to learn how to stand my ground.
Some of the girls said that they're going to help me out.
You know, just with swearing and insults.
That sort of thing.
Ros has even started calling me "Flange.
" - [laughter.]
- [Ange sighs.]
I hope that catches on, because that would give me some real cred.
You're nothing in here without a nickname.
No Hat Cathy, she said she's going to help me find my prison walk.
Apparently, if you bounce more on the balls of your feet you're less likely to be easy prey.
Don't diss me like that I'm Cathy With The Hat ♪ And I'll hit you with my bat ♪ - Yeah, that's it.
- Or Don't diss me like that I'm Cathy With The Hat ♪ And I'll hit you with my bat ♪ Ooh! [laughs.]
- [yawns.]
- You've landed on your feet again.
Word's got around they're really enjoying writing their own musical.
Are they? Thank God for that.
- Whew! That's a relief.
- [Dean.]
I bet it is.
- And they've already given it a name.
- Have they? - What's it called? - Songs From The Inside.
Well, that is brilliant.
Because "inside," meaning prison, and also "inside," meaning of themselves.
And that is all down to my leadership skills.
Well, A, no it isn't, because, B, you haven't got any.
It's not about making the right decision, Dean, it's about making the decision right.
And I've made the decision that doesn't make any sense.
At the end of the day, it's all about communication.
Communication and listening.
Which one is it? Communication or listening.
Just give people the chance to be heard and let them do the rest.
She's got an idea but she don't want to say.
- [No Hat Cathy.]
You'll think it's stupid.
- There are no stupid ideas.
Not here, not with me.
The stupid thing would be to say nothing, then we could all miss out on a great idea.
How about that? All right.
Well, I was thinking we could get a load of cats in here, so that everyone's got their own cat.
Maybe two or three each, because cats are nice.
- Yeah, tell her about the milk.
- [chuckles.]
We could milk 'em, use their milk to save on the milk bill, which could make us carbon neutral.
- Leave it with you, then? - Okey-dokes.
Yeah, I think it's about time to draw a line under the open-door policy.
What, you're not going to run with the cat idea? Why? - Fuck you.
- The savings alone are a no-brainer.
Fuck you twice.
- I think I found your clay.
- [Laura.]
What's that noise? You hear that? Is that the sound of me landing on my feet again? Yes, it is.
Oh, she's on fire.
I wish you were.
- Dear God.
- Yep.
- Are these what I think they are? - Yep.
- What do you think they are? - I found 12 boxes.
Does that account for all the missing clay? No, I guess that some are already In circulation? I mean, what are they thinking.
They're not even glazed.
Oh, this one looks glazed.
I'm not sure that's glazing.
You get me hot and heavy ♪ Something in your eyes ♪ I'm willing and I'm ready ♪ To set my heart on fire ♪ You get me hot and heavy ♪ You get me hot and heavy ♪ You make me feel like ♪ Ooh, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪ [music ends.]
[inmate moaning.]
[moaning continues.]
[Laura sighs.]
Some of the women ended up in hospital with toxic shock, which was a shame, but not surprising.
I just wish it wasn't always so hard.
No pun intended.
I am the custodian of these women's lives while they're here.
It's supposed to be difficult.
I'm up for the challenge.
I just would like one day where things go my way.
It doesn't even have to be a full day.
[chattering, cheering.]
- I'm not moving.
- [Cathy With The Hat.]
You go, Flange.
So take your big feet somewhere else.
[all cheering.]
Yeah! - Go on, move in there, you do it.
- [inmate.]
Go on then! - Fa - [inmate.]
Come on Fatso.
[all cheering.]
Sorry, Pat.
Don't apologize! That's right.
That's right.
That's right.
And your hair is shit.
[all cheering.]
Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow ♪ Bow-wow ♪ Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow ♪ Bow-wow ♪ I've got a little cat ♪ And I'm very fond of that But I'd rather have a bow-wow, wow ♪ Wow, wow, wow, wow ♪
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