Harley Quinn (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

Being Harley Quinn

1 [BUBBLING.]
Please! Please don't! Come on, I got a family! - [SCREAMS.]
- [SPLASHES.]
[REALTOR.]
Now, that's just a staging kill, but if volcano sacrifices is your thing, this is the lair for you.
- I'll take it! - Great! - I'll draw up the papers - Aah You know, on the other hand, is the giant skull a bit too flashy for my brand? Can we see some other options? You'll love this one.
A short getaway from all the major banks.
Sounds like a dream.
Where is it? [REALTOR.]
You're standing on it.
An intricate system of tunnels carved by The Mole.
I mean, hey, I love it, but am I really going for a "mole lady" vibe? [SIGHS.]
Ah, okay.
Next! [REALTOR.]
The last tenant, Mr.
Freeze, did a number on the place, but the castle is perfect for entertaining.
Hmm, not sure my nips and her buds can handle this cold.
[SIGHS.]
You've seen six lairs.
Okay, thank you.
Let's just discuss this out of the cold.
A super villain's lair is a reflection of who they really are.
So, who is Harley Quinn? That's a hard question to ans Harls, you got us uniforms! [EXCITEDLY.]
Ooh, Suicide Squad! Is that our name? Ugh, it's a group that keeps trying to get me to join.
I don't want to run lines with you.
Good! Because I despise that phrase.
People run marathons, not lines.
Actors exchange true Look what Harley got us.
- [DR.
PSYCHO.]
Ah! Ah! Come on! - [SIGHS.]
Ivy, you're evicted! You and the circus act here need to move out faster than sauerkraut through my lower intestine.
[IRRITATED.]
Yes, Sy! We're leaving in a minute.
Good.
I'm showing the place to [YELLING.]
That just cost you your security deposit! You know what, why don't I come back another time? No, sorry, sorry, don't go.
Don't go.
Look, [SIGHS.]
it's just Joker made the big decisions.
Okay.
How about we ask you some questions and maybe that'll help? Worth a shot.
Why did you first become a villain? Well, you know, it's because There you go.
You know this answer.
- Uh, well - You know this.
[SIGHS.]
I guess - I don't know.
- Oh, my God.
What villain do you most admire? - [IRRITATED.]
I don't know! - Harley! - Chocolate or vanilla! - I don't know! Harley! I can't help you, until you tell me who you are! I don't know! I don't know! - I don't know! [SCREAMS.]
- [BONE CRUNCHES.]
Oh, shit.
Harley? - Honey, can you hear me? - [MR.
PSYCHO GRUNTS.]
"Dry clean only".
Fuck this.
Okay, who broke Harley? [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
Harley, are you in there? Dude? - [POISON IVY.]
Whoa! Stop! - [LAUGHS.]
Unmouth her, fiend! I was just trying to give her CPR.
Harley, snap out of it! Come on! Ah! No response to physical stimuli.
It's probably a level-four brain freeze.
Psycho, can you fix her? Like, go in her brain and do the fucking thing.
That sounds like something a doctor could do.
But not someone you just referred to as "Psycho".
Ugh, fine, Dr.
Psycho! [EXCLAIMS.]
Yes! Can you fix her? Can I fix her? [LAUGHS.]
Of course I can fix her! I'm just gonna slip inside her brain, do my thing, wham-bam, thank you, ma'am and I'm done in-a two minutes.
Oh, fucking gross! You think I'm gonna let you creep around Harley's head without us, you perv? - Yes! Perv! - You're the perv! But, as a professional, I will tell you to prepare because this is serious, meticulous, neuron processing we're about to undertake.
Now, everyone hold hands and squeeze your butt cheeks together.
Ahh! [ALL SCREAMING.]
- [THUDDING.]
- [SCREAMING.]
- Whoa! Everyone okay? - [GRUNTS.]
- Where's Psycho? - [EXCLAIMS.]
[GRUNTS.]
Dr.
Psycho! What an ugly baby I have birthed.
Does he taste like fudge? In my dreams, he does.
[GIGGLES.]
[POISON IVY.]
Huh, Harley's brain is much cleaner and less Harley-ish than I would have imagined.
I know! I know.
Because this is her Museum of Memories.
Oh! Look.
[HARLEY IMITATING FEMALE DOLL.]
You came home late again, Nick, smelling like alcohol and whore.
[IMITATES MALE DOLL.]
She's just a friend from work.
Stop breathing down my neck, Sharon.
[IMITATES FEMALE DOLL.]
Can't breathe down what's not there, you cocksucker! [LAUGHING.]
Mamma mia! It's pretty good scene work for a six-year-old.
I am honored to be the valedictorian, and I just want to thank absolutely no one.
- Fuck all of ya! - [CROWD GASPS.]
Fuck the principal.
Fuck the shop teacher that looks at my ass every time I walk out of class.
Yeah, I see you.
- Have a great fucking summer! - [CROWD MURMURING.]
I basically gave the same speech at my sister's wedding.
- Ah! Harley! - Oh, hey, guys.
Wait.
How can Harley be in here if we're in Harley, and if Harley is Yeah, I wouldn't think too hard about bringing logic for the next 20 minutes.
We're just here to give you a hard reboot.
- [KING SHARK.]
Ooh.
Ow! - Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, listen up.
While I find the switch, you follow hooker rules.
- No kissing on the mouth? - I'm sorry.
Stripper rules.
Look but don't touch.
The brain will protect itself if it feels threatened.
Hey, Ive, I think there's something really screwed up about me.
I want to say this in just the most loving way, but, there's no way that this is just occurring to you now? No, I mean, screwed up on top of the regular screwed up.
I mean, why can't I make a decision? Well, we're in your mind right now, so the answer has to be here somewhere.
[HARLEY.]
Oh, I remember this! Okay, it's when that bleached asshole pushed me and bleached mine.
Look! Look! Hey, it glitched and skipped over Joker pushing me.
Wha It did it again.
Did you see that? Whoa, that's weird.
It's like a piece of your memory is missing.
Ive, this is my origin story.
It says so right here.
Look, your origin story's how you become who you are.
If it's screwed up, no surprise I am.
Ugh, let me see this.
[LAUGHS.]
Reboot time.
[GRUNTS.]
Um, I, uh, I wouldn't do that.
I wouldn't Oh! - [ALARM BLARING.]
- [GRUNTS.]
[EXCLAIMS ANGRILY.]
No one listens to me! Who touched something? Who did it? Was I not clear about the stripper rule? I was just trying to touch myself! That is a stripper rule.
[GRUNTS.]
You triggered a brain lockdown.
We need to get out of here before Ah! Before that happens.
Now we're trapped.
[SY.]
Now, this apartment's a beaut.
It's got a lot of light.
Perfect place for a fami Jesus Christ! All right, the place isn't ready.
You'll come back tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
Why aren't you moving? Tomorrow, get out.
Get out! - [BABY CRYING.]
- You forgot the baby! All right, let's see now.
Let's see.
- Why do they print the numbers so small? - [DIALING.]
Black Mamba, this is Gerbil, it happened again.
No, no, no, no.
The fuck? Are we trapped in here? You need to tell me right now if we're trapped in here! 'Cause I'm gonna freak the fuck out! What's gonna happen to my plants, man? Girl, we need to get you friends.
"Oh, we wanna come with you.
We're afraid you're gonna mind molest her!" Now who's the mind molesters? You! - [GIRL CRYING.]
- You are the mind molesters! Ooh, are you lost, little girl? No need for tears, munchkin.
I'll help you find your way.
[GROWLS.]
Ow! Oh! Oh! Get off me! Oh, stop! This little child is killing me! [GRUNTS.]
Why did that sweet little you attack me? Oh, yeah, I wasn't sweet at that age.
Or any age, really, but I was a total shit back then.
Which is why the brain sent it.
It thinks we're intruders.
And yes, if we die in Harley's mind, - we die in real life! - [BONES CRACKING.]
[CLAYFACE.]
Ooh, Nightmare on Elm Street rules.
[SCREAMING.]
Do you have any insights on what we should do here? - Run! - [DR.
PSYCHO.]
Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.
[SCREAMING.]
- [CLAYFACE.]
Exit with alacrity.
- [SHRIEKING.]
[SHRIEKING.]
[LITTLE HARLEYS SHRIEKING.]
Harleys, this is Harley, stop! [SHRIEKS.]
[SCREAMING.]
[SNARLING.]
God, I hate brain physics.
Hey, quit it and I'll tell you where Mom hides the makeup.
[SHRIEKING.]
[HARLEY GRUNTS.]
Damn it.
I was sure that was gonna work.
Come on.
Stop fucking around and follow me.
We got an elevator.
[LITTLE HARLEYS SCREAMING.]
You know, in a way, it's almost, like, comforting to know that you've always been this fucked up.
Yeah, isn't it? You know, I'm starting to realize why my mother recycled so many wine bottles back then.
Fun as this has been, let's get the fuck out of here, all right? There should be an emergency exit to the real world in Harley's subconscious somewhere, which I think is this button [EFFORT GRUNTS.]
right here.
[GRUNTS.]
- [GROWLS.]
- [SCREAMING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Okay, your stupid fin hit the wrong button, dummy.
[KING SHARK.]
Do not fin shame me.
[ELEVATOR BELLS DINGS.]
[ALL EXCLAIM.]
He must have hit the button to the optic nerve.
Ooh, looking through the eyes of another.
Now it appears we're playing by Being John Malcovich rules.
Another suicide cult.
If word gets out, I'll never be able to rent this fakakta apartment.
So let's make sure it doesn't.
Where's the bleach and the bone saw? No, no time for that.
And I'm not paying to re-carpet this place.
- So we call our explosives guy.
- He exploded.
Well, I guess eventually, the worms will get us all.
- [SY.]
Oy.
- Jesus.
Why not burn down the place and take the insurance? A little Jewish lightning never hurt anyone.
A fire! Brilliant! We'll burn the bodies in this old furnace I own! [GOLDA LAUGHS.]
Oh, yes! There's the Sy who armed Bin Laden in the '80s.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Let's do this.
Close slutty Casper's eyes, will ya? Feels like she's watching me.
Sure thing, baby.
[THUDS.]
I can't believe Sy used to be like a spy.
- He's so - Gross.
- You're looking for gross.
- [POISON IVY.]
Yeah, that's it.
What's "Jewish Lightning"? Perhaps Black Lightning's Israeli cousin.
Excuse me! But am I the only one who heard that they're gonna burn our fucking bodies? So, stop yapping and do something! - [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
- Harley, welcome to your subconscious.
- Step right.
- Guess your Wi-Fi password.
- Wack-an-insecurity.
- Try your hand at a game.
Take your chance.
Step right up.
Ugh, are you shitting me? So I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you're not over your ex-boyfriend.
I mean, are you sure that this glitch is just in your origin story? [CHUCKLES.]
Yes, you, young lady, the one with the smeared lipstick who is still clearly obsessed with me.
Try your luck at a game of skill? Win Daddy's Love! Yeah, don't bother with that one.
Oh, I know it's rigged.
Come on! Everybody, spread out and just look for the emergency exit, all right? [SHRIEKING.]
Come on! [SCREAMING.]
[ALL SCREAMING.]
- [SNARLING.]
- [SCREAMING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[HARLEY GRUNTS.]
[ALL SCREAM.]
[SNARLS.]
[ALL SCREAMING.]
We are trapped! What I wouldn't give for a deus ex machina right now! Follow me.
I know the way.
Sorry, you didn't get that machina you were talking about.
But at least, that guy showed up out of nowhere to save us for no reason.
[LITTLE HARLEYS SCREAMING.]
Hey, hey, this is it! Thank you for helping us whoever the fuck you are.
Oh, my God! It's 11-year old Frankie Muniz! - Hi, Harley.
- [GASPS.]
He knows my name.
I could die! Yeah, this isn't creepy.
No, it's not like that at all.
Yeah, you know, I had a major crush on him when I was a kid.
Well, I guess that's different.
Yeah, you know, I was planning to kidnap him, marry him.
Then once we hit puberty, I was gonna tell him that I was taking birth control, but then, like, not take it, - and I get pregnant with his kid! - Mmm-hmm.
- And back to creepy.
- Yeah, I know what's going on here.
He was Harley's truest love.
So, some small, sane part of her brain sent her a vision of him to help us.
That's right.
Good luck, Harley.
BTW, all those times you stared at my poster in your bedroom, I was staring back.
- I knew it! - Take care.
Let's go.
There's two geriatrics trying to burn our bodies before NCIS comes on.
[SY.]
You know, I forgot how much fun moving and then destroying dead bodies is.
Nothing gets the heart racing [GASPS.]
like one that's stopped completely.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ah, Golda.
Do you ever regret not having spy kids together? Nah.
I have normal kids and normal grandkids.
- I lead a normal life now, Sy.
- [THUDS.]
Ah, well, what if it's not too late? Eh? I still have my license to kill.
That's your AARP card.
Oh! Yeah, well, the kill thing is in here somewhere.
I may be old, Golda, but there's nothing I can't handle.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Well, the neighborhood kids don't call me Old Scary Machine Man for nothing.
Now, there's a monster for you.
[CHUCKLES.]
[GRUNTING.]
Come on, get that piece of rust working.
Booyah! Up! Up! And - [ENGINE STOPS.]
- Hey, I'm out of diesel.
- [BOTH SCREAM.]
- [CRASH.]
[DR.
PSYCHO.]
Come on, come on.
They're probably heating up the furnace right now.
- Is that - Repressed Memory Island? Yeah.
That's where you keep all your screwed-up memories.
Trust me, you do not want to go anywhere near it.
Ive, remember the glitch in my origins story? Oh, so you think it's like a repressed memory or something? Right.
And it's on that island.
Oh, then we gotta go.
And what did I just say about going to that island? We are all going to be burned to death if we don't leave your mind right now! Okay, fine.
Then you go.
I'm not leaving.
In the real world I'm still catatonic, drooling all over myself.
Okay, she made her choice.
Let's go.
- I'm going with Harley.
- Of course you are.
She's your only friend.
That's true.
But that's by design, because she's the only human being I think is worth a shit.
Hey, Clayface, how many acting jobs did you get before Harley gave you one? Well, I filled in for the dog that played Air Bud, when he was run over by me the second to the last day of shooting.
- You know what? I'm in.
- And, Psycho, who took you in when literally, the worst people on the planet turned you away? Fine! I'm in.
And, King Shark, - let's all remember the time - I'm in! Oh, thank God, 'cause I had nothing.
All right, Doctor, help your patient.
All right, all right, all right, I got a plan.
[LITTLE HARLEYS.]
We'll have fun! Hey, come play with us.
- [ALL LAUGHING MENACINGLY.]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTERING.]
[LITTLE HARLEY.]
We'll have fun.
Come play with us.
If I go down, I'm taking all you little shits with me! Whoa! [YELLING.]
That was not the plan! - [POISON IVY.]
We got your back, Harls.
- Oh, you guys.
[ALL SNARLING.]
[LAUGHING MENACINGLY.]
We might be fucked.
You guys totally should have left.
[SCOFFS.]
Harley Quinn, it has been the utmost pleasure to serve in your company.
[HARLEY.]
Clayface, no! [LITTLE HARLEY 1.]
I love you, Frankie.
[LITTLE HARLEY 2.]
Give me babies! [ALL LAUGHING EXCITEDLY.]
Well, hello, it is I, Frankie Muniz! I love you, Frankie.
[ALL YELLING.]
Ah, screw this.
Now, how the hell are we gonna get to that island? I cannot believe this.
I mean, it is just the most unlikely set of circumstances that would put me about 70% shark, in a situation that pretty much demands a mostly shark man.
- [KING SHARK CHUCKLES.]
- [HARLEY.]
Oh, we made it! Is it me, or is it getting kind of warm around here? Sy, the fire's good and hot.
Then what are we waiting for! Let's get to cremating! Cremate! Crem-ing in the at-ing And we're at-ing in the crem-ing We''re going in the fire Why does it look like Arkham? Because your sick brain is trying to lock up memories so vile that you repress them, so do not look Okay, why do I even try? When's Daddy done with his business meeting? [GRUNTS.]
That's enough.
"If you violate the restraining order again, Mr.
Muniz will take legal action".
Muah! See ya soon, Frankie.
So that's why I went to juvie.
[MANIACAL LAUGHTER.]
[GRUNTS.]
Here we are, puddin'.
Dive in as Harleen Quinzel, and rise as Harley Quinn! My beautiful creation.
Okay, look, here it comes.
Here's when that piece of shit pushes me in he acid.
[LAUGHS.]
If you love me, then jump! And you'll be mine forever.
A dream come true, puddin'.
Wait! No! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you okay? This whole time I thought he pushed me.
That it wasn't my choice.
But it it was.
Whoa, so you told yourself it was out of your control? Yeah, because it was easier to blame him than accept the truth.
And the truth being, what, exactly? That it was always my choice.
That I was in control all along.
And I still am.
If you love me, then jump.
And you'll be mine forever.
- Hard pass.
- Wha what? I said no, idiot.
But you have to jump, you can't change this.
I mean, it's already happened.
It's your origin story! Wrong.
It's not my origin story.
My real origin story didn't happen here.
It happened in your lair.
Uh, I wasn't wearing this costume.
And believe me, I wasn't saying you were a dream come true.
I was saying, "Go fuck yourself!" Harley, stop this nonsense.
I I know you think you created me, but no one did! My fucked-up parents didn't make me the way I am.
Neither did Jessica Sarner when she fucking lied to the whole camp and said I lost my virginity to a horse! - A horse! - [GRUNTS.]
Or, those cops who questioned me for hours - about what happened to Jessica Sarner.
- [GRUNTS.]
And you sure as hell didn't fucking create me, puddin'.
Yeah? Well, I named you.
You got Harley Quinn out of Harleen Quinzel? Nice work, genius! [BOTH GRUNT.]
You didn't make me, Joker.
I made myself.
But you can't change your memories! This isn't Eternal Sunshine rules.
[WHOOSHING.]
[GRUNTS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- My mind.
My rules.
[CLATTERS.]
[SIGHS.]
Sanity restored.
Kinda.
Thanks, gang.
I owe you everything.
Has anyone seen Clayface? - [LITTLE HARLEY GRUNTS.]
- [ALL EXCLAIM.]
No! Because her little psycho shits killed him! Did not! Apologies for the disguise.
I had to "go native" to thwart Harley's younger demons.
Oh, we're just glad you're alive.
Thank you, frie Oh, I'm getting hard! - [ALL GRUNT.]
- Please! My phallus is not erect.
It's my leg.
Oh, no, he's in the furnace! Aah! Come on! Come on! To the exit, now! And a one and a two [ALL SCREAMING.]
They're still alive.
Damn it, Sy.
This is Peru all over again.
I'm outta here.
What do you mean, "Outta here"? Where're ya going? Where're ya going? - I'm done with this shit.
- [SY.]
Don't be done.
We're in the middle of a thing.
- No, I'm at the end.
- You were always a quitter! Oh, and you tried to kill us.
Nonsense! What are you What are you doing? You looked cold.
So I did what any good citizen would do.
I brought you to a dead mall and heated you up in an abandoned pizza oven.
You're welcome.
We're done here.
This is it.
Guys, we found it.
What? Like hepatitis? No, our new lair.
Look, it doesn't matter what it is.
'Cause the lair doesn't define us.
We define the lair.
Uh-huh.
Can we define a different one? This one's gross.
No, this one's free.
The hell it is.
This premium shopping destination runs 100 grand a month.
I'm offering a dollar.
And I won't kill you right now for trying to burn us alive.
Deal.
On one condition.
You let me come along on some of your heists.
Lugging around your dead husks made me feel alive again.
I want back in the game, baby! Well, you did manage to carry six bodies to a pizza oven.
I mean, that's not nothing.
- Deal.
- Hey! - Oh! - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't worry.
It happens all the time.
[SY.]
Anyone have a Philips head? [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]