Harley Quinn (2019) s04e05 Episode Script

Getting Ice Dick, Don't Wait Up

When Mayor Joker disbanded the police
and launched me into forced retirement,
I didn't know what I was gonna do.
From the ashes that are my career,
a fiery, bosomy phoenix has risen.
And that phoenix is you, Barbara,
Ooh, I can't wait to make love to you
for the first time in 20 years.
I should just see who this is.
- Yello?
- Hey, it's Nora Freeze, nee Jacobsen,
executive assistant to the
CEO of the Legion of Doom.
- Charmed, I'm sure.
- Un-charmed.
- What do you want?
- Well, the LOD needs a security guard,
and I found your resume taped
to a dartboard at Noonan's.
- So you want the job?
- Yes! I accept. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, my God. Thank you. I was
going crazy in retirement.
Passionate lovemaking
with the woman of my dreams
is too much pressure for this ol' sack.
- What's going on, baby?
- Whoo-hoo!
Jimmy G's back, baby.
How am I supposed to get down from here?
[SIGHS] Oh, Barbara.
Remember this binder from when
we fought the CleggBnB guest?
Man, that was amazing.
I mean, look, it still has
some of Yonas's pubes on it.
- Harley, maybe focus on the mission.
I was thinking that too.
Wait. Where are you guys'
friendship bracelets?
[NIGHTWING] We're not wearing
them because we're not friends.
We're just super people
who fight crime together.
Of course we're friends!
[YELPS] Just like my old crew.
Batgirl, you're King Shark.
Robin, you're Psycho.
Uh. [GRUNTS] And Nightwing,
[GRUNTS] you are Clayface,
because of what a drama queen you are.
Stop talking while we're fighting.
See, such a Clayface.
I never realized how
bad my night vision was
until I started sneaking
around in the shadows with you.
[GASPS] It does explain why
I went down on Ivy's armpit.
- Meh, she still got there.
- Harley, watch out!
- Ooh!
- Dude, watch where you're going!
Okay, okay. I see what's going on.
You haven't let me into your
hearts because my eyes suck.
Don't boop my tummy!
I'll protect you.
The LASIK went great!
Your night vision is now 20/20.
Thank you for the hero discount.
I cannot wait to surprise the
Bat Family with my new eyes.
If they see how far I'm
willing to go to be better,
maybe they'll reciprocate
and wear my bracelet.
Mmm-hmm. We called
your emergency contact
to pick you up, but her assistant
said she was unavailable.
She also said parting my hair
like this makes me look matronly.
But she couldn't see me, right?
Ugh, yeah. Nora. Let me try, Ivy.
Call Soulmate Peach Emoji
Sweat Droplets Emoji
Devil Horn Smile. [DIALING]
Hi, you've reached Ivy. Leave a message.
But just remember, this
could've been a text.
Oh, she must be stuck in Moon customs.
Is there anyone else we could call?
Yeah, I got a list a mile fucking long.
- Where are you?
- I'm at the doctor.
Guess what kind.
Okay. That was fucking
rude, even for him.
But, uh, that's fine. I'll just
call the earl of twirl, Batgirl!
Harley. I'm so happy to hear from you.
I'm having quite the
time getting to Italy.
Sir, we'll ask you one more time.
Why won't you take off your mask?
Yeah. I didn't actually
mean to call you. I gotta go.
Don't hang up.
I need you to tell
Nora that Goddamn it!
[SUPERGIRL] You better find
someone else to pick you up,
or else we'll be forced
to reverse the surgery
so you can get home yourself.
Okay, I'm trying. I'm trying.
I've been abandoned!
There's the woman who
conquered the Moon.
Saw you with Steppenwolf.
- Big ups.
- This is from Talia Al Ghul.
Aw, this pretzel gun is so realistic.
Look at that.
The bullets are cookies.
So while I was gone, what'd I miss?
I don't know. I thought
when you were off, I was off.
Hey, careful where you shoot those guns.
They kill the waistline.
- Oh, Lex. You look very taut.
Your hair looks spiky,
and your cheeks are very high up.
- Get over here, girly.
- Hmm?
You killed it at the conference.
Really? Because you seemed a little mad
when you screamed at
everyone to get off your moon.
Oh, sudden rage is a side effect
of forcing my body to accept falcon DNA.
I came here to help bring
you to the next level.
I'm gifting you my PR team.
The Jons.
They're the best in the biz.
Thank you, Lex. That's very generous.
And also for you guys,
love how all of your shoes
are a slightly different shade of brown.
Gasp! They're chestnut.
- Teak.
- Taupe.
Milk chocolate, but the European kind.
I really don't think I need a PR team.
The work speaks for itself.
- Ring, ring, ring, ring.
- Uh, hello? Delusion.
Girl, how'd you get this number?
Excuse me, Ivy, It's for you.
Now that I've introduced you
to redshirt guy, computer dude,
and guy who doesn't know I hate him.
- Hey!
- I can show you the best part of the office
because it's where I need
to go to refill my coffee.
Great to be back in an office.
Sure, it's a bad guy HQ,
but a paycheck, no matter who signs it
is the most fulfilling thing
a man can have in his life.
Ooh, what are all these gadgets?
Junk that LexCorp makes.
Sentient paper shredder,
black hole generator.
That's either a microwave
oven or a cloning device.
Uh, who are they?
[NORA] Uh, those are Ivy's mentees.
You got the rocks one,
the fire one,
and the little swampy one.
- Well, I'll be damned.
- Get your elbow off that.
[GORDON] Oh, that was me, wasn't it?
Hey, one bag a day.
Don't think you're getting
any special treatment
just 'cause I boinked your bog dad!
Stop bringing that up!
All right, so you guys are a team now,
and teams deserve names.
And also, sorry about the shirts
having a basketball on them.
I just really couldn't figure out
how to make 'em without
a template. So
I got the one with the
order number sticker.
It is time for you guys to
make your big public debut.
So what ideas have you
been kicking around?
- Go.
- There's a network of dormant volcanoes
beneath Gotham that I want to activate.
We could toss in pervy
celebrities for a photo op.
Earthquake bingo.
- Um, okay. Can you elaborate on that?
- No.
Um, I've been working
on my access to the red,
the force that connects all animal life.
I want to repopulate
the sharks in Gotham Bay,
restoring balance to the sea life
and ruining everyone's
summer. [CHUCKLES]
I love these ideas.
Okay, so we need to find a new way
to weave these ideas together
so it represents all of you as a team.
- Let's go ahead.
- Emergency. Code everything.
Hey. Whoa. Hi. What's the emergency?
What? Are you crazy? That's me to know.
Now move your ass, you leggy bitch!
Uh, okay. Let's keep discussing this.
I'll circle back to it later.
Proud of you. Slay you, horse.
I'm sorry. That's
I I just apologize.
The high energy sincerity
doesn't come naturally to me,
but I'm doing the best I can. Bye.
Oh, thank God you're here. [CHUCKLES]
- Please take her home.
- Babs! Finally, I
Wait, wait. Who are you?
I'm Alysia. Babs's roommate.
Babs has a roommate?
I never thought when I saw 17
desperate texts and voicemails
from Swim Team Harley on Babs's
phone it'd be the Harley Quinn.
Ugh, if this was a year
ago, I'd be losing my mind.
You used to be this totally
kick ass, queer villain,
and now you're in the Bat Family.
- I used to look up to you.
- Really?
I have a framed photo of you
killing a guy with an acai bowl.
You were always so you.
It really helped me
while I was transitioning.
Hey. Hey. I'm the one who
should be disappointed here.
- Okay? Where's Babs?
- Babs will be back.
She's always disappearing
for a day or two at a time.
- Promise?
- Yep.
- Where am I taking you?
- To the Gotham Zoo.
I need some help from
a couple of old friends.
- Uh, Batgirl, Nightwing,
- Robin!
- What took you so long?
Meet two special friends of mine.
My new and improved eyeballs.
These peepers can now
fight crime any time of day.
Sunrise, sunset, magic hour,
witching hour, happy hour.
Batgirl is missing.
Okay, what's the emergency?
It's you. You're a PR disaster.
What are you talking about?
I was a huge hit on the moon.
I mean, look at all these
congratulatory gifts.
Someone sent me a
contagion in an orchid.
So what? Who cares?
Villains are already your base.
What about the rest of the world?
You said you like your coffee black.
Honey, you just lost
the almond milk market.
Oh, my God. Look what
Tom Colicchio just posted.
Wait, Tom Colicchio
said something about me
No, about steak.
But he should be talking about you
and your deliciously evil plans.
Don't worry, we're here to help
you, but we need to start right away.
You haven't posted since 2017
when you said "I want a bagel."
It was for a free bagel contest.
That you didn't even win.
You know what would make
you a winner? New hair.
- Would you wear a wig?
- A big one.
How attached are you to the
top 10 layers of your skin.
Guys, loving getting
my appearance critiqued,
but gotta get back to work.
You interrupted me while
I was with my mentees.
Yes. Plural. I got three.
Influencing the next generation
is totes crucial, babe,
but three people isn't
a good use of your time.
Imagine mentoring three billion people.
B Billion? Like with a B?
- All you have to do is a few small things.
- Teeny, tiny things.
Like throwing out the first
pitch at a Gotham Knights game.
And a call with Lorne Michaels
about hosting SNL.
All the white 14-year-olds
who watch it will love you.
You deserve to be up on a pedestal.
The lights shining down on
you, searing your retinas.
Everyone listening to
what you have to say.
- Okay, now a little riskier.
Yep. Get into it.
Smile with your hair, not your teeth.
Give us passionate, but carefree,
like you just won a bagel contest.
- Yes. Okay. Yeah.
- [JON 2] Yes, love it.
- Choke me, Daddy.
- Strike a pose that'll sing in marble.
Guys, this is super fun.
And wearing gold underwear
has definitely made me more,
I guess, confident.
But are you sure that,
like a statue of me
isn't too much too soon?
- [JONS] No, no, no.
- Look at Santa Claus.
That pasty bitch is everywhere.
Do you think his fans
feel like it's "too much?"
And check out the favorables.
Statues are incredibly
popular with our target demo.
Uh, who? Everyone.
Unless, I don't know, you don't
believe in science, and data,
and professionals, who've been
doing this for 5,000 years.
I can't believe you
got cosmetic surgery,
- when someone is picking off the Bat Family,
- Ow!
I've had an ingrown
toenail for six years,
and I've never even changed the bandage.
Take a look. See?
It's disgusting,
Okay, Robin's not picked off.
His mommy took him to
do poisons training.
And I talked to Alysia,
Batgirl's roommate,
she said she always
disappears for days at a time.
Yeah, to be with us.
Oh, fuck!
- All right. What are we gonna do?
- Oh, What are we gonna do?
What are we go Huh? [SCREAMS]
My book of clues!
Did you put them up to this?
Are you feeding Ivy info?
I left a fucking pillow-top
Cali king and my one true love
to live in this creepy mansion.
I got my eyes done for you. I am all in.
Now, let's go find Batgirl.
I'm gonna investigate alone
so I can actually be effective.
- But we're family!
- No.
No, no, no, no. Me, Robin
and Batgirl are a family.
You're just Harley.
- Poison Ivy.
What brings you to Tawny today?
Well, Tawny, I'm just
delighted to be here
to talk about my socially
conscious evil campaign.
That sounds great.
But I heard you had
something else going on.
Something not quite set in stone.
Oh, that. Um, I Well, I guess, yeah.
In some ways, I'm here
to promote a statue.
Yeah, you are girl!
[CHUCKLES] We have an exclusive
with the mold makers
who are going to reveal
what brand of medical ointment
they put on Ivy's lips
while that plaster dried.
I think it was like a mayo packet
from the bottom of my purse.
- Mmm, mmm, mmm.
You are so down to earth.
Literally, throw those vines!
All right, all right, y'all.
Settle down, settle down.
[CHUCKLING] The moment
we've all been waiting for.
The world premiere of Statue Cam.
- Statue Cam! Statue Cam!
Hey, Tawny. Just sidebar.
Do people really care
about like a block of stone
and three dudes just
wearing Carhartt jackets?
It's like they're not even wearing
them in like a cool, gay way.
They're wearing them
in like a Boston way.
And when we come back,
one lucky audience member
is going to go home with a bag of dust
from the statue herself.
Nightwing, what are you doing there?
Oh, I was actually just leaving.
I got all the evidence I need.
Have fun, though. Cheering
for your evil girlfriend.
You have fun not being
invited to the green room
and not getting unlimited
tiny water bottles.
Harley, my love.
Okay. I had no idea you were coming,
but did you just see me out there?
It was crazy. People
were, like, loving me.
A man gave this to me.
This is my favorite
sandwich from childhood.
Hey, babe, that's awesome.
Did you meet the parrot that
Tawny uses to prank celebrities?
I was about to.
I know we said we weren't gonna do this.
But did one of your LOD
villains kidnap Batgirl?
Okay. Is that why you're here?
You're not here to support me?
I am so happy for you!
But I'm also investigating the
disappearance of my coworker.
You know I can't help you with that.
So, I'll tell you what I can
help you with, which is swag bags.
Ivy, heroes can't accept payola. God!
[SQUAWKS] Gotcha bitch! Gotcha bitch!
Gotcha bitch! Gotcha bitch! [SQUAWKS]
Oh, damn, Jeffrey. You are good.
Jeffrey, my angel.
I'm gonna kill whoever
left this door open.
- Oh, shit!
- Harley.
What are you doing here?
Babs is missing! I was looking
through her stuff for clues
and then laid down for a very tiny
Eight-hour nap?
Wait. She hasn't come back yet?
Listen, I need help. The
only thing I found out
from snooping is that she
doesn't own a vibrator.
- Explains a lot.
- It makes sense.
Well, I didn't want
to invade her privacy.
But since you already ransacked
her room, slept in her bed,
and are wearing her "Gordon
Family Reunion 2014" shirt,
let's look at her phone.
A charge at Jill's Guns and Ammo?
Babs hates guns and ammo.
And it's all the way
up in the mountains,
A classic kidnapping spot.
I have got to go save her.
My swim team has to
respect me after that.
These swim team dynamics are insane.
You should come with
me. Please come with me.
You know Babs so well.
Okay, but only because
you're basically a cop now,
and I don't want any
brown people getting hurt.
Okay, ground breaking news.
You're back in with almond milk.
It'll be great press
ahead of your book launch.
Wait, what? I didn't write a book.
Oh, we wrote one or you.
It's called Poison Thrivy:
From Zero to #GirlBossHero.
You got blurbs from Anti-Monitor
and Jonathan Franzen?
It's already number one on the
Gotham Times best seller list.
So get signing, girl.
This one's for Jason Lee.
This one's for Jennifer Jason Leigh.
And this one's for Samuel
Jennifer Jason Lee. There you go.
Excuse me. I'm so sorry.
Uh, did you look at our new plan?
Oh, shoot. I not yet.
I've been swamped, uh, um [GRUNTS]
Uh, oh, we were thinking,
since you've gotten so big,
maybe our plans should get bigger, too.
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
Uh, bigger.
We could double the lava flow.
If I force it into the ocean, we
could create a whole new Gotham.
It's like talking to a rock,
if rocks were shitty listeners
with perfect complexions.
- Let's go.
- All right, guys. Good talk. Plan sounds great.
- I'm back!
- Oh, hey!
I didn't realize you
were gone. Where'd you go?
I've been gone for three days.
I was visiting my sick sister.
She was either over
watered or underwatered.
- They're running tests.
- Oh, thoughts and prayers.
- Does she want a book?
- Sure. Sign it to Sally.
Her name is Sally.
You signed it to "Zazzy."
I don't have a sister named Zazzy.
No one does. Damn it, Ivy.
What's going on with you?
What's going on with me
is that I'm killing it.
Really? 'Cause I barely
recognize you anymore,
and not just because
of the incredible amount
of brow liner you're wearing.
What is that? Electrical tape. Yeesh!
What's up, dudes? Wanna get
drinks? First round's on you.
I may be old, but I'm not old fashioned.
I think women should pay.
We're not all women, dude.
Hmm? Well, I do not know
how to course correct.
Well, I don't know how to
continue this conversation
without making your face flat.
I'm sick of this old mug, too.
Didn't feel that on my penis at all.
It's been a long day.
We're all just heading home.
Same. I'm now getting
into my not repossessed car
and driving to my house that
I definitely still live in.
Walk, walk, walk, walk, walking.
I can still see you.
You're LASIK worked,
honey. You're incredible.
Nightwing must be blown away
by everything you're
doing for the Bat Family.
Harley, wake up!
[SHUDDERS] We are so
close to saving Babs.
Not stupid Dick Grayson,
the worst teammate ever.
You know he wanted to swim
the 200-meter butterfly alone?
You know what? I think
we should talk about
your sleepwalking and
how it almost killed us.
I used to do it too before I came out.
I was spending so much energy
repressing a part of myself.
Could it be similar for you?
No. No. Everyone knows
I'm gay bones for Ivy.
Maybe repressing your villain side.
Is that Captain Cold?
I can see at night!
[GASPS] Oh, my God.
Those ici-cunts took Babs.
Where is she?
Who? We're just here for
our annual cold boys trip.
Bullshit! Where is Babs?
Being cold is not a personality.
Yes, Vintage Harley. Eat his eyes.
- [BARBARA] Harley?
A statue of moi.
It's about goddamn time.
Where in the world
did they find a chisel
sharp enough to capture
this granite jawline?
Ah, time to eat your vegetables, Gordo.
Come to Oh, my God.
It's still cold, and
there's a hair on it.
Yuck! Oh, that's okay.
Just because one potato is gone.
Doesn't mean you're all alone.
- Wh What the
- Okay, Terra, you pranked me.
Come on out, Volcana. Tefe.
Well, joke's on you because now I've got
a second potato and my life is full.
Can you still tell Dick I saved you?
[SCOFFS] She didn't need saving.
Though it is a better
story than me coming up
to rescue my mom, who
was abandoned by my dad,
and then my mom abandoning me
to go party with the ice villains.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
Sorry I didn't tell
you. I was in a hurry.
I forgot my cell. Then I got snowed in.
Wait a minute. What about the
charges to Jill's Guns and Ammo?
Jills is the only grocery store up here.
[GASPS] Jill makes amazing quiche.
- You want some?
- Finally, someone offers me quiche.
Whoever gets the slice
with the ammo in it
gets good luck till first thaw.
Mmm. You know, Dick wouldn't
even work with me to find you.
Are you really surprised by that?
I thought we were a family
who saved the world together
by swimming really fast laps.
You can't force things to fit
the image you had in your mind.
But I gave up everything
to join the swim team.
I wanted it to be perfect,
like the 2014 Gordon family reunion.
Okay. Did you not hear what I said?
My dad abandoned my mom
here, and my mom asked me
to look up, "Does lube freeze?"
- Does it?
- [BOTH] If it's water-based.
[SCOFFS] Okay. That's not the point.
It takes more than a fight
with some CleggBnB guests
and a friendship bracelet
to become part of a family.
Just give it some time.
Are there any party drugs in this cabin?
- No.
- I'm gonna go see what's up with the cold boys.
- We are so excited to usher in Revolution Ivy.
I love it. I I know I I I
- Wow!
- Stop the presses.
Look what Tom Colicchio just posted.
"Ivy's statue is giving me life!
How do I become a part of
Socially Conscious Evil?
Ivy, DM me, come judge,
an Elimination Challenge."
- [CHUCKLES] Okay, that's good.
- Oh, my God.
We went through with the plan.
Thought you should know.
Since you weren't there to see it.
- How'd it go?
- It was a disaster and not the good kind.
We could've used some guidance.
But we can totally fix what went wrong.
Maybe tomorrow we can
all meet up and discuss?
Guys, hey, look. I want
to keep mentoring you.
I do. But I I have a responsibility
To try to reach the other
2.9997 billion people
who also look up to me. Right?
- Nice.
- Thank you so much.
Ivy totes loves your support.
- Here's a book for you three to split.
Who wants to crouch next to me,
crouching next to the crouching statue?
- Hands up?
- [MAN] Validate me!
This is This is so nice.
My teeth are chattering so hard,
it's like I'm chewing on cruise control.
[GASPS] Look!
There's a fawn licking
morning dew drops off a leaf.
- Ow! Ammo.
You're gonna have good luck
for the next 28 to 49 days.
Should we get the almanac and check?
[GASPS] Oh, my God!
Nightwing's here. [GASPS]
And he's wearing my bracelet.
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