Harley Quinn (2019) s04e08 Episode Script

II Buffone

Fuck! We're gone a few days
and the Snyderverse people took over.
Yeah! Screw the patriarchy!
And this car!
- Nora?
- Wait, Ivy?
[GASPS] Oh, my God! Where have you been?
Oh. Hey, Harley.
Okay. What the fuck is going on?
Nice of you two hos to finally
join us for the apocalypse.
Wait? It's already happened.
Oh! We'll just go back in the
time-sphere and go back a week.
Hey! Pasta-maker makers beware.
I have arrived!
Receptionisto! I was on
hold with you for 94 hours
and after realizing that seemed futile,
I came to speak with you mano-a-mano.
you have an appointimento?
No, I do not have appointmento.
I was stuck in Homeland
Security for months.
Then in customs, also for months.
Then my mask tubes got
tangled in your olive branches
for uncountable hours. [GROANS SOFTLY]
And now I will finally complete my quest
to win my coworker's affections
by fixing the handle of
her boss' pasta maker.
That handle is discontinuato.
Discontinued! Unacceptable!
What about in the back?
Sometimes a store doesn't
think they have something.
Then they check in the back and
they're like, "Well, there it is."
It is a-not in the back.
You do not understand.
My whole life, I have
existed in darkness,
hopeless that I would find someone
who connects with me on an
emotional and spiritual level.
Well, I have found her
My lovely Nora.
But if I don't find a new
handle for this pasta maker,
I will lose her.
Pasta pricks!
Marcos, you're the only
IRS auditor worth a damn!
Good luck with the promotion,
buddy. You deserve it.
Take that, suckas.
In other news, Lex Luthor has announced
he's about to start
repairing the ozone layer
with the Earth Saver by Lex.
Whenever you're ready, Mr. Luthor.
Jesus, Elvis,
Rihanna's baby.
And now, Lex Luthor.
When the pages of history
look back on today
Oh! I'm too excited.
Let's go.
- What did you do?
- Sir,
it appears our maximum laser range
is 304cm short of the
Earth's atmosphere.
In English!
It's about 10ft short, sir.
I will find you an even
better pasta maker handle.
Excuzi me-zee, Italian man.
Can you tell me where I can
find the best pasta maker
in all of Italy?
These people and their fucking naps!
Hola, bambinos.
It's a me, Bahn-io.
Where do I find the best
pasta maker in all of Italy?
Eh, pasta maker.
Grazie, Mille!
Damn you, street urchins!
Every blister is worth
it, my sweet Nora!
- [LENNY] Nora. Nora.
It's so much hotter when someone's
sleeping in the same room.
How is she even comfortable?
Did someone say comfortable?
Ooh. Can't wait to get
my tongue stuck to that.
Actually, before we get into
it, I need a bowl of pasta.
[SPUTTERING] Oh, yeah. Yeah, me too.
It's always been a dream of mine
to simultaneously explode
all the volcanoes on Earth.
Ivy's going to be so proud.
She recommended you.
What the fuck is going on here?
I was asked to help Lex with
Can it, lava lips!
I wanna hear it from him.
Oh, I'm just borrowing
a low-level employee
to activate some
volcanoes around the world,
creating enough heat
to raise the ozone up
Oh, I don't know, ten-ish feet.
It doesn't matter why.
Seems like it does matter why.
This doesn't concern you, Nora.
Oh? A nefarious business tycoon,
comes into the office on a Sunday
to take a wet-behind-the-ears rube,
to help with a personal project.
All my alarm bells
are going off, buster!
Oh, no! Am I in trouble?
I thought Ivy knew.
Is she gonna be mad at me or
Why are you even here on a Sunday?
I always work weekends.
Ugh! Go back to your nerd hole.
And put your headphones on.
It's about to get nasty in here.
Not so fast!
Explain yourself.
I thought that she was
doing that press tour
for her line of business
corsets with the Jons.
Ivy's not working with the Jons anymore.
She blew them to smithereens,
you slippery son of a
She did what?
God, you men!
You drain our titties
when you're baby boys
and now you're making
us run your companies?
Get out!
Knock, knock.
Um, mi scusi?
Who stabs my weary heart?
Apologies, Signora.
I wandered onto your
property on my botched search
for the best pasta
maker in all of Italy.
You have found her, beefy man.
Ivy, you'll never guess what
that twat Lex tried to do.
Okay, seriously, wake up.
Do you have toxic shock?
You've been sleeping for, like, days.
- You're not Ivy!
Enough with the wig shenanigans.
Ivy's not even there.
All right, Lexinators, move in.
Aren't you worried about Ivy?
No one's heard from her.
Yeah, feels like a Monday problem.
Now, where were we?
- Duck!
Volcana, you perv!
What are you doing?
Recharging in the comfort of
Ivy's random hairs and chip crumbs?
[VOLCANA] Unhand me!
Did someone change the WiFi password?
- Ice!
- Fire!
I thought I was the only
sucker working on a Sunday.
No one has work-life boundaries anymore.
We're being trolled by
a petty-ass bald himbo
who's trying to keep
me from getting laid!
Girl, you are messy.
Come on, Lenny.
Let's continue this in my car.
- Ew!
Grazie, Signora.
I will never forget your act
of international kindness.
No freeloading.
You eat my parmesan,
you help in the kitchen, huh?
[WHINING] I need rest!
I'm afraid my body will fail me!
Now is not the time for fear.
Fear comes-ah later.
After dessert?
Silencio! I ask the questions.
- You make-a the dough or out you get-a.
Shit, shit, shit! What
the shit are we gonna do?
Can't you use your powers
to explode us out of here?
I'm famously known for
fires, not explosions.
It's a subtle but very
important distinction.
[LEX ON INTERCOM] Ivy's underlings,
you have one last chance
to hand over Volcana.
I wish Ivy were here.
Well, she's not!
And the line of succession
I just decided on
says I'm in charge.
[LEX] Nora,
I take your silence as a refusal
to hand over the fire breather?
Uh-huh. That's right.
I've seen men like you take
young, nerdy women before.
Well, not on my watch!
Aw! Thank you, Nora.
Will someone put her in
the panic room already!
The LOD doesn't have a panic room.
God, I can't deal with
all these personalities.
Don't worry, work fam.
Time for this shark to shine.
I'm gonna hack us out of here.
Can you get into Ivy's bank account?
I wanna know what that bitch makes.
Quick. Someone get me
something with taurine in it.
I would not call it love at first sight.
What I have with Nora is much deeper.
Hey! We work with the
hands, not the mouth.
You are being quite rough with me.
Oh! It is passion! It is life!
- Ow.
- Now, focus.
Okay, little egg. Crack!
Your eggs are faulty!
I will 'splode them all!
Give to me a photo of your beloved.
Now you try.
I will assuredly break her
like I have so many bodies
and spirits in my career.
Not if you break it for her.
Think of this dough as
like a bosoms of your Nora.
Uh, like like this?
Um, don't forget to
play with the nipples.
Again. You must do it yourself.
In my kitchen, there is no rope!
I can't!
You can! Look at our hands.
They are not so different.
Yes, each of yours is
like five little sausage,
stuck to a fresh ball of mozzerella.
But they can still do delicate work.
Hmm. Assembling my bombs for 'splosions
has always required a
nimble touch, I suppose.
Think of each fettuccine
as a, um, 'splosive of
feelings for your Nora.
Now, cut.
Too thick! Again!
Nora! Nora! Nora! Nora!
[GROANING] My dick's gonna
fall off waiting for you.
Look, I took this job hoping
there'd be way more
villainous IT emergencies,
not just helping folks
do their timecard online.
Finally, this is my moment!
This is fascinating watching you.
Hey! That's supposed to
be my sensual neck massage!
I'm trying to keep my guy
loose. And I'm learning so much.
I can't die watching
two men bond over tech.
Of course! The Imbigulator!
We can use this to
make the building bigger
and the armor will pop off.
No! Nora, I need this.
- It's my time to prove I'm more than just a dad.
And ooh, la, la!
I just got through another firewall.
A few more minutes
and we are good, to
Oh! I've been Imbigulated!
- I can't hack like this!
- Ah, crap. It's single use.
Wake up!
Time for mangia!
Oh, I love pasta.
Meele gratzis, Signora.
No! Not Signora.
You call me Mama. Mama Nacaroni.
Like Mama Macaroni?
Yes, my cousin's ristorante.
Our name is-a Nacaroni.
But they changed it at Ellis Island.
This is the most delicious
pasta I have ever had.
Who made this?
- You did.
- What? When?
Il buffone , you are the second
greatest pasta maker in all of Italy.
I am the pasta maker?
Mama, I may have been born in a prison,
but I have been living in
a prison of my own making,
the warden, my self-doubt.
I have become the thing that I sought!
Thank you, Mama.
[KING SHARK] Will you
look at these mitts?
How am I gonna to drive home?
Oh, fuck!
My babysitter must be in
triple overtime by now.
How many times have I asked you not
to mention children in my presence?
[LEX] Enough with your female antics!
It's time to turn up the heat.
He said it like a pun, but
that's what he literally did.
How embarrassing! [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
[LEX] And I didn't mean it as a pun.
It's a double entendre, if
anything! But that's irrelevant
because I meant the
turn on the poison vapor.
[YELLING] Where the
fuck is the poison vapor?
No, it's not in my car.
I thought it was in your car.
Well, go and get it!
Ugh! My pits are gushing.
I'll cool you down, baby.
Heat is my most despised nemesis.
Ooh, yes. Ooh!
Do my elbows. [MOANS]
[EXCLAIMING] Get me out of here!
- [LEX] Ah! There we go.
- You! Cover that vent.
- No can do.
- It's too high up.
- Why can't any of you just, like,
get big and tall and
be impervious to gas?
Can you at least create an
explosion to get us out of here?
- I can make you an iced coffee?
Where's that 'splosions guy
when you need a 'splosion?
You mean Bane?
Oh, now I'm supposed to
learn everyone's names?
[SCOFFS] Okay.
Do you think you could
part with a wedge of parm
for my trip home, Mama?
- Home?
- Si, Mama.
I now return to Gotham with all
the secrets and wisdom I learned
in our short, but
meaningful time together.
Hairy vaderchy!
- No.
- Huh?
Now, you will take over
my business and be my heir.
But Mama, you fixed my problems,
so I don't need you any [GROANS]
Madre di puttana! You
cannot come to this country,
steal from us and then leave.
You're a cultural tourist! What now?
You're gonna sell my story to some
asshole at a streaming service.
Mama, let's be reasonable.
You think I would teach you a craft
I spent-a my whole life perfecting
and expect nothing in return?
- [NORA] Okay,
if we're gonna die under my leadership,
we're gonna do it looking
like fucking supermodels!
This is where I stash all the
hair products, diet snacks,
and little pink guns
that brands send to Ivy
hoping to get her endorsement.
And it's also where I
put that volcano girl.
Oh, thank, Mount Vesuvius!
Why'd you lock me in here?
I told you it wasn't a panic room!
You're alive, aren't you?
Ooh, gas masks!
Ooh, gum!
[VOLCANA] This is literally the most
flammable closet in all of Gotham.
Hairspray, gunpowder,
snacks made with
highly-combustible ingredients.
I'm lucky I didn't explode!
Explode, like an explosion?
- Yes.
- Hmm.
What? No!
You will pay the price
for your insolence
with death.
Can't we sit and talk
this out over an aperitivo?
Mama! Not my fingers!
I need these to pleasure Nora
with my calligraphy!
And to continue working as a
semi-famous villain in Gotham!
Wait. You are semi-famous?
Clayface? Hi.
It's It's me, Bane.
No, Bane. From 'sploding things?
So, look. My former mentor
has me at knife point,
and she's demanding
tickets to your Vegas show.
- [SOFTLY] Front row.
- Front row, she says.
You want me to head-butt Poison Ivy
on the Gotham News live
just to embarrass her?
But she's my Nora's boss
You've got a deal.
Bravo, Il Buffone.
- Hairspray!
- Paint guns!
[NORA] Diet snacks!
I can carry so much stuff
with these big hands.
Look! I'm holdin' like 20 diet sodas.
Someone take a pic!
Might as well throw this in there.
I don't know how to
put it back on the wall.
Wow, this is just like Die Hard.
Oh, the over-referenced action movie
that's been parodied into oblivion?
Well, not today!
You could have just asked me!
You, scorpion woman!
- Will you look at that.
Mr. Luthor, an explosion in
Gotham imbigulated the atmosphere
and pushed it 304cm
I mean, 10ft higher.
We are now in range to
regenerate the ozone.
Smash that follow, Professor.
Farewell, little thief boy!
I am going home to my dear Nora.
Ciao ciao, Toilet!
Ah! So bellissimo.
I now see the world in the
artistic way the Italians do.
We did it, co-workers.
Pretty sure we all have concussions,
but I slept great.
Should we get bagels?
We still have no idea where Ivy is.
When's the swelling gonna go down?
Tell me about it.
My balls are so blue.
Wait, guys
Who turned off the sun?
My babies!
- They need me!
- Do you think Lex did this?
Who cares? Let's find someplace
private before the world ends.
- Not now, I want free stuff!
Anyone want a laminator?
[BANE] Hey, Nora.
Mi amore!
'Splosions guy! Where
were you when I needed you?
I was in Italia,
trying to replace the handle
of Ivy's pasta maker for you.
I failed.
But in my journey of self-discovery,
I achieved something far better.
Sono il pastaio!
I am the pasta maker!
Yeah, I had pasta for lunch.
Hey, can you break that window for me?
I want that beach umbrella.
But I thought you wanted pasta.
Who am I to question my Nora's whims!
Nice of you two hos to finally
join us for the apocalypse.
Wait? It's already happened.
Oh! We'll just go back in the
Time Sphere and go back a week.
Oop! My bad.
I meant to hit that fancy diaper
store I've been afraid to go in.
hands have no precision.
Keep up, 'Splosions Guy.
Saver by Lex is up and running,
thickening the ozone.
But Gotham wonders,
is it too thick?
It seems as if Lex has blocked
out the sun and, even worse,
he has refused our request for comment.
- Halt, looters!
Oh, no. The sun!
Stay away! Nobody touch me!
Where's the nearest tanning salon?
Do we still have those? As a culture?
Oh, my God. Did Lex do all this
just fuck Superman?
Eh, I've done worse to fuck less,
but still, that is some petty shit.
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