HarmonQuest (2016) s01e07 Episode Script
The Doorest of Fores
1 - Spencer: - Last time on "HarmonQuest" I am Han Jodgman.
What I have need of is protection.
- Are you sure you wouldn't want - to be paid in orc teeth? - I have many of those.
- Are you kidding me? And I storm off.
Stop pouting! We're going! No, I'm far away.
Can't hear you! You're too far away! As you pass in the night, - your ears are pierced - by a magical alarm.
[imitating alarm.]
Ahh! - Get in the fight, Fondue.
- I am! - I can't tell.
- You're so far away.
I shoot an arrow I'm shooting an arrow.
He stops giggling and also returns to normal goblin size.
[wild cheering.]
That was my plan all along, you see? - Good-bye! - Bye! You find yourselves near the Doorest of Fors, the location of the Heralds of the Manticore.
Since the dawn of the 1970s, fantasy role-playing games have provided men and women with an escape from their awkward lives.
Today the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, - is summoning - celebrity friends To play these games of old - in front of a live studio - audience in Hollywood.
I am Spencer, the Game Master, and this is "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
- Welcome to "HarmonQuest.
" - I am Dan Harmon.
It's okay.
Don't applaud for that.
With me as always, our constant regular role-players.
Erin McGathy.
[cheers and applause.]
Hi.
And the always beautiful, always literate Jeff B.
Davis.
[cheers and applause.]
Some would say the real star of the show - is the Game Master, - Spencer Crittenden.
[cheers and applause.]
Yeah.
- But I would say - it's the person With the highest Q-rating, which is always our guest.
And tonight it's special because he's actually - an avid role-player - from what I've heard.
- You know him from - "Silicon Valley," Thomas Middleditch.
[cheers and applause.]
Hello.
- Looks like you got - something here.
- Yeah.
- What's in the bag? Well, apparently I've been told that no one really roles dice except for the Game Master.
Well, not today.
I'm rolling dice.
[cheers and applause.]
He just made it nerd rain.
Yeah, yeah! In a lot of de rigueur role-playing sessions, - each player rolls - their own, like, - Attacks and damage - and stuff, right? I never did that when I was a kid.
Have you ever played that way, Spencer? Yeah, that's how everyone plays it.
[laughter.]
- But you're gonna roll - your own numbers tonight, huh? I'll call 'em out.
You can get a camera insert and Tommy no lie.
So without further ado, let's quest! [cheers and applause.]
We join our heroes now, leaving the desert behind.
- It's midday, - it's really hot out, - And it's good that you're - getting out of the sun - And the heat of the desert - and into the mystical, Magical Doorest of Fors.
- I don't even know what - we're supposed to do - When we get - where we're going, - 'Cause we've done nothing - but fail the whole time.
- But I gotta say, this has - been just a comedy of errors From front to back.
Yeah, except no one's laughing.
Exactly.
I say we try out best to finish the job, - and then we can just - go our separate ways.
I pull Boneweevil aside.
Hey, look, remember when you were my hair clip? Yes.
Those are the good times.
That was earlier today.
I just know that I have more than pulled my weight.
I think you have.
I pull you farther aside.
And I make sure that that registers to Fondue.
I want to make it look like, "Ah, get over here.
" Oh, believe me, I'm good at one thing, - noticing that - everyone hates me.
Look, let's just get through this.
We don't have to talk.
Let's just - We can work together - without being friends.
- I don't yes.
- Exactly.
- Yes.
- Fine.
Massive trees surround you in the Doorest of Fors, and carved into every one of these trees is a large, ornate, wooden door.
Every single tree in the Doorest has one or more doors on it without fail.
You can smell the sweet smell of roasting meat over an open fire.
Hmm.
You can also see smoke coming from a campfire not far off.
Huh.
Cuckoo-cuckoo! - [whispered.]
- There's smoke over there.
Someone's got a campfire.
All right, - I use my stealth - To sneak up towards - the campfire, Like hidden from tree to tree.
You hide as you crawl your way towards the campfire, where you see a small little man - roasting a lizard - on a stick.
I use my Stealth of four and my acrobatics, and I follow behind, climbing through the trees.
- - All right.
- Yep.
Stealthily you climb.
While all this is happening, - I kind of tentatively - walk up and go [clears throat.]
- - It's a goblin.
- He's coming right for you.
It's a hemming and hawing.
Ahh.
[laughter.]
Back, fiend! Oh, no, no, - I'm no fiend.
I'm just a wayward - I'm traveling with these people, - and there's bickering, And I hate bickering, and I I smelled lizard, and I followed my nose.
Ha! Like the great god, Toucan.
- I jump out of the tree.
- Aghh! Eh-hi! Hi.
Uh, Buer O'Shift, traveling with him.
- No diplomacy.
- Not gonna hurt you though.
No, diplomacy needed, friends.
I am Dildo Bogpelt.
[laughter and applause.]
Dildo, what are you doing out here all alone? - What are you cooking - and can we have some? Oh, it's only but a humble single lizard.
I suppose I could share it with some new friends.
I'm out here in the woods, just chilling.
'Tis my home, you see? But I seek far greater dangers.
I'm after the Heralds of the Manticore.
Whoa! So are we.
Nice.
So are we.
- No, wait, wait, - wait, wait, wait a second.
- I hesitate to even - mention this, - But we're pretty responsible - for all three Of the Arcane Runestones falling into Vortheon's hands.
- Why are you bragging - about that? I'm not.
I'm just saying, full disclosure - Oh.
- Like, you're gonna find out If we embark with you on this mission together, - you're gonna find out - that we had - We've met a lot of these - people before, - And they got the best of us - every time.
We're kinda hoping that in the very final battle humility will be the weapon that defeats some kind of narcissistic dragon.
That, like, we fit our self-loathing into an integrity-shaped hole or something.
- Because if beating it - requires hitting something With a sword, we are fucked.
Life.
What a fickle mistress.
Oh, to court her.
[laughter.]
And with that, Dildo packs a little pipe and he tokes away.
I've heard of your people.
Can you blow the smoke in shapes of stuff? Well, yes.
What do I need to roll to do that? I guess that'd be Dexterity.
So just add your Dexterity modifier.
I'd love to.
I got a 17.
You make whatever shapes you were trying to make.
I make a nice, long cylinder with a bulbous tip at the end, and it and it shudders for a moment and then evaporates.
What wait.
Was that I think he just blew a big dick.
Ah, you see what you will in the clouds, my friend.
I look around the circle, looking at Or I start examining the doors.
- Most of the doors - in this area Are kind of indistinct, - as if they're not - fully grown, But you do see four of them that do look fully grown.
I look at those.
- In the doors - you see little symbols, - Little, you know, - marking indicating Some sort of door qualities or properties.
Can I use can I use a Spell Craft roll to try and decipher these these things? - Yeah, yeah, - what's your Spell Craft? It's seven.
Okay.
May I, m'lord? Yeah.
Ooh.
12 plus 7.
Using your Spell Craft, you can see that this is ancient nature magic that's wrought throughout the forest.
It seems to be held in place by the Forest Guardian, the deity that rules over this area.
- Now, Dildo, you said - that you grew up here.
- So you know your way - around this forest.
- What's the deal - with these doors? Well, they are brought about by an ancient nature deity.
I know his name and where to find him, maybe.
If I roll successfully on my Nature Knowledge.
- Do you have - Nature Knowledge? I do.
This guy's kicking ass.
We've got a ringer over here.
19.
That was so close to a sweet, fat natural.
Is that with Big, juicy natch.
Is that with the bonus? That's no, natural 19.
Plus a 10.
I mean, you know I'm rolling hard here.
Yeah, yeah.
[laughter.]
The Forest Guardian, his name is Clarence.
And he makes his lair deep in the heart of the forest in the wild wood.
We seek Clarence deep within the wild wood at the heart of the forest, that-a-way.
All right, so off we go to find Clarence.
I don't know you guys.
When we meet Clarence, be cool.
You go down the woods, and you see two large trees that are larger than all the other trees.
Tangled woods block out your pathways to other directions.
- Guys, we're - Zoooomp.
- We're being funneled - into these trees.
- We're being video gamed.
- Yeah.
In front of the two trees, you see two wolf-like creatures.
One of them seems to be some sort of hybrid between a wolf and a crocodile.
And the other seems to be a similar hybrid, between a wolf and an alligator.
They're very distinct from each other.
Oh.
- As we come up - to the wolf beasts, I go Mitch, Duncan.
'Sup, guys? Mitch and Duncan launch into their little tirade, speaking in unison they say both: One of us tells only truths, the other only lies.
But if you want to get past us, you'll have to ask to find your prize.
I walk I, Boneweevil, walk up to Mitch and Duncan.
I go uh, nice try, fellas.
- Mitch who's Mitch? - You Mitch? Which one's Mitch? You only get one question.
- Okay, fine.
- Oh, shit.
That that didn't count.
That doesn't count.
I say look, you, whatever you're Crocodile-looking guy, uh, what door would the other guy say is the door to go through? - Because he's gonna have - to either lie or tell the truth, - But he would tell me - the wrong door and so would you, - No matter whether you're - the liar or the truth-teller.
And then we go through the opposite door.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Which door would - the other guy tell me - Is the right door - to go through? Very clever.
I would say the second door.
- Well, let's go - through the first door.
I just walk right past them - and go right through - the first door.
You charge directly at the door embedded in the tree and fling it open.
Through the door you can see forest beyond.
Well done, goblin.
- Yeah, guys, follow me.
- I think we did it.
- Great job.
- We did it.
I mean, I did it.
You guys didn't do shit.
I did it all.
Compliment rescinded.
All right, well, I go third.
'Cause I It's a coward's instinct.
And I'll bring up the rear.
Good old Dildo, bringing up the rear.
When you go through, you're in a smaller forest clearing, blocked by hedges and bushes.
- You see that the trees - in this area Are a lot skinnier, more scraggly and thin.
- They don't have doors - on them.
Two narrow paths are the only way forward.
- I examine the paths to see - what the difference is Between the look and feel of each of these paths.
One of them, you see a lot of hanging They look like hanging baubles or trinkets.
- They're just hanging - from the trees, Hanging from the leaves.
The other, you can see draped across the leaves sort of sort of maybe circular limp shapes.
They're pink.
Pink limp shapes.
Guys, I've been seeing the writing on the wall since we were arguing.
I overheard your conversation.
You guys take the bauble path.
I'll go down Pussy Road.
Fittingly that you walk down Pussy Road.
Dildo launches into a classic woodland tale about, uh, how the cheetah came up to the turtle and said - Turtle, why you move - so slow? And the turtle says Because I don't have any power, and I don't have any friends.
And the most important thing to going fast is friendship.
Something to that effect.
And I'd like to use my knowledge of nature to recall the ancient myth that perfectly applies, and I got a five.
But five plus ten.
- All you remember is - what you've said just then.
You know, the broad strokes of the story.
And then I say So? Wait, are you saying that friendship is more important - than speed, that we should - stick together And use teamwork to get what we want? I think.
You did only roll a five though, so What's "roll a five"? Can I make a pitch? - Let's split up in two teams - of two at least then.
Well, now I want to go down Pussy Road.
Let's go together.
Ah, Dildo and Fondue, classic side adventure.
You head down the small path.
It's flanked by these fleshy, limp, circular objects on the trees and bushes.
- The other guys, - they think I'm useless.
You know, 'cause I react naturally to things.
I have feelings.
As do all.
What do you think these fleshy things are? Hmm, my guess, pussies.
[laughter.]
Not interested.
The forest is my lover.
I pick one up.
- It makes a slow - farting sound.
[farting sound.]
It's a you know, it's a whoopee cushion.
A what? I've heard of these, from the realm of Catalogia.
I put one down, and I sit on it.
[farting sound.]
- It emits a low farting sound.
- It's hilarious.
That's what I've heard.
- All right, so we're walking - So we're on the Bauble road.
- We're walking down - Bauble Road.
- I examine the baubles - and see what those You see they're - small rings, - They're small rings - with oversized fittings.
They don't seem to be rare or valuable in any way.
I pluck one of the rings off of one of the trees.
All right, you do that, and when you do it you feel a terrible electric buzzing - as if something is - shocking you joyfully.
- Oh jeez, joy buzzers.
- Eh.
You take three lightning damage.
[laughs.]
But am I delighted because of the novelty of this gag? Not really, - but you feel - Like some other entity - might be.
- I say out loud - to the entity, I say Nice one.
You really got me.
Nope.
Are we hearing "nope"? Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Can I use Perception to try to see - where the voice - is coming from? - It's coming from - down the road.
- All right.
- You can hear it.
I turn back at Boneweevil.
I'm running towards the voice! You run towards the voice, and you enter another Yet another clearing, this one ensconced with entangled, twisted wood.
Clarence, is this your nest? On the ground below, you can see You can see a small flower sprouting up out of the dirt.
Clarence.
- I'm just gonna keep on - saying "Clarence.
" Is that I've caught up to Buer, and I say - I'm almost certain - you're gonna get water Squirted in your face by this flower.
Well now, you know, it's ruined, so It's ruined? No water's squirting.
I'm Clarence.
- Oh, ho, ho, Clarence.
- Oh, Clarence.
- Were you gonna - squirt us, Clarence? Yeah, I just said that.
Points.
You wouldn't happen to have any peanut brittle in a can that I maybe could enjoy? Oh, that's in the other path.
And just then Fondue and Dildo - come walking through - the other path Eating peanut brittle.
- This is great.
- Yes.
Greetings, travelers.
I am the Forest Guardian.
If you seek to find your way, you will fail without my say.
For all these woods and trees are mine, and occasionally I'll try to rhyme.
To get my blessing, face my trials, but be warned it may take quite a while.
- How many trials - are there, Clarence? Three.
Let's let's - I say we dive right into this.
- Yeah.
- Let's do it.
- The First Trial.
The Trial of Honesty! The heart of a hero is true, blue and pure.
One boasts through lies keeps truth demure.
Which of you is the least honest? Okay, I say I am.
Stop it.
All right.
That's a lie.
You're lying.
You're right.
Second Trial is the Trial of Courage.
The courage of a hero is paramount.
But which of you has the least amount? Who's the biggest coward? [muttering.]
Me.
I am a coward, and a coward is someone that is afraid.
A true hero is courageous.
Knock that shit off.
Then I'll be brave from now on.
Gonna be courageous? Yeah, yeah.
Trial done.
The Third Trial is the Trial of Love.
The highest virtue, gift from above.
Surely one of you needs the most love.
Me! Me! Me! Help me! The flower just bursts into flames.
You see a wooden vine shoot through the ground and form into a sort of plant-like creature named Clarence again, he's like Jesus Christ, that's the hardest pass of a trial I've ever witnessed.
I mean, I'm gonna be honest with you.
- There's four trials.
- What? The last trial is real simple.
You just have to speak the password.
- What is it? - What what is it? It's your original password.
Ohh.
- Is there a security question - I can ask? Oh, yeah, no.
You can always Yeah, you can always reset your password.
That's always an option.
- What was your - first pet's name? Anus.
- So what kind of pet was he? - Or her? Uh, it was a little wolverine.
And what was the mascot of your high school? High school.
See, I knew I just wrote it down because I didn't want to admit to the system that I didn't go to a high school.
Ugh Uh, a Oh-oh-oh! - Oh, he's coming.
- He's having a stroke.
He's having a stroke! - Oh, no! - Jesus Christ! - Oh! Oh! - Somebody help! - Somebody help him! - Put a stick in his mouth! - Somebody help him! - Put a stick in his mouth! No, no, that's epilepsy.
Eagle! An eagle! God damn it.
Yeah, that's correct.
You may reset your password.
- [sighs.]
- Oh, my god, that's Oh, what do we want it to be? It should be memorable, but it should have Be case-sensitive.
Okay.
Um FuckWhatlWant6969.
[laughter and applause.]
All right, your password has been reset.
Now speak your original password.
Friendship.
Well, nope.
Shit.
You have three more tries.
- Oh, fuck, sorry, guys.
- Okay.
- FuckWhatlWant - Was it Friendship? No, it was FuckWhat - No, I took in - two passwords at once.
That's not gonna work.
- What? Come on.
- Just say the Okay, okay, I - No, no, no, no, - gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
- We know it.
- It's the one it's that one.
- No, I know, but - he took in two at once, - So we have to do it - over again.
Reset the password.
- Wait, I want to reset - the password.
- No, don't! - I want to reset the password.
We want to reset it.
I want to reset it.
- All right, what was - your childhood pet's name? Uh, Lucy.
- Nope.
- It's Anus! - Nope? - No.
- Anus.
- Anus, yep.
- What was your - high school mascot? - Eagle.
- Eagle.
Yep, okay, reset the password.
DoobieBrothers99.
All right, DoobieBrothers99.
Your password has been reset.
Please enter your original password.
DoobieBrothers99.
His eyes, they glow.
They glow so bright the Forest Guardian, made of leaves and vines, collapses into drier leaves and drier vines.
You hear a voice echoing throughout the woods.
Congratulations, now find your path, truly discovered heroes who have truly discovered themselves and will now truly discover what they seek.
You you can see the forest around you kinda drop away.
- The entangled woods - all disappears, - And in front of - your very path Is a crumbling stone temple surrounded in trees and shrouded in vegetation.
This must be the Heralds' secret hideout.
Guys We did it.
We did it.
We did it through all: Friendship.
But that wasn't the password.
No, Dan, it would have Or, sorry, no, Zoobag.
- It would have been - "friendship.
" Would it have been? - Because we could have - made it anything.
- But you want - to put a number on it, - Because, like, "friendship" - just is one word, - And it's not a very - strong password.
You want to put some numbers or some, like - So it's not I mean, - "friendship" is the password For this situation.
- We want to reset - the password.
I've stopped being manifest.
- Oh, he went away.
- Okay.
- You know, - the password's stupid.
- We can change the password - whenever we want.
- Like, I mean, in the future, - probably.
But for us going forward, all: Our password is "friendship.
" But it got changed to DoobieBrothers.
Dildo, lead the way.
This is your big thing.
- Yeah, you wanted to find - the Heralds of Manticore.
We did it.
Let's go headlong into the temple.
Oh, but you turn to ask this question to Dildo, who but moments ago was standing right there, - but he's nowhere - to be found.
Where is he? - Was he ever even there - in the first place? - Dildo, if you're - still out there, Use your magical pipe and blow a shape in the air - just to let us know - that you really were With us at one point.
Just over some hedges, you see a cylindrical shape with a bulbous tip.
Oh.
- And more smoke - comes out of the tip.
- Oh.
- Because - And it floats - towards you all - Aww.
- Ohh.
And splashes on your faces.
Oh.
[cheers and applause.]
Now now that's an ending.
That is a happy ending.
But will our heroes make it in time to save the world? Or would the Great Manticore be resurrected, ushering in a new age of darkness? Find out next time on "HarmonQuest.
" - Thomas Middleditch, - everybody! [cheers and applause.]
Jeff Davis! Erin McGathy! - Spencer Crittenden, - our Game Master.
We will see you in the next chapter on "HarmonQuest!" [cheers and applause.]
[dramatic music.]
HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest.
Did you get any of that? It's-a good-a show! [upbeat accordion music.]
What I have need of is protection.
- Are you sure you wouldn't want - to be paid in orc teeth? - I have many of those.
- Are you kidding me? And I storm off.
Stop pouting! We're going! No, I'm far away.
Can't hear you! You're too far away! As you pass in the night, - your ears are pierced - by a magical alarm.
[imitating alarm.]
Ahh! - Get in the fight, Fondue.
- I am! - I can't tell.
- You're so far away.
I shoot an arrow I'm shooting an arrow.
He stops giggling and also returns to normal goblin size.
[wild cheering.]
That was my plan all along, you see? - Good-bye! - Bye! You find yourselves near the Doorest of Fors, the location of the Heralds of the Manticore.
Since the dawn of the 1970s, fantasy role-playing games have provided men and women with an escape from their awkward lives.
Today the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, - is summoning - celebrity friends To play these games of old - in front of a live studio - audience in Hollywood.
I am Spencer, the Game Master, and this is "HarmonQuest.
" [cheers and applause.]
- Welcome to "HarmonQuest.
" - I am Dan Harmon.
It's okay.
Don't applaud for that.
With me as always, our constant regular role-players.
Erin McGathy.
[cheers and applause.]
Hi.
And the always beautiful, always literate Jeff B.
Davis.
[cheers and applause.]
Some would say the real star of the show - is the Game Master, - Spencer Crittenden.
[cheers and applause.]
Yeah.
- But I would say - it's the person With the highest Q-rating, which is always our guest.
And tonight it's special because he's actually - an avid role-player - from what I've heard.
- You know him from - "Silicon Valley," Thomas Middleditch.
[cheers and applause.]
Hello.
- Looks like you got - something here.
- Yeah.
- What's in the bag? Well, apparently I've been told that no one really roles dice except for the Game Master.
Well, not today.
I'm rolling dice.
[cheers and applause.]
He just made it nerd rain.
Yeah, yeah! In a lot of de rigueur role-playing sessions, - each player rolls - their own, like, - Attacks and damage - and stuff, right? I never did that when I was a kid.
Have you ever played that way, Spencer? Yeah, that's how everyone plays it.
[laughter.]
- But you're gonna roll - your own numbers tonight, huh? I'll call 'em out.
You can get a camera insert and Tommy no lie.
So without further ado, let's quest! [cheers and applause.]
We join our heroes now, leaving the desert behind.
- It's midday, - it's really hot out, - And it's good that you're - getting out of the sun - And the heat of the desert - and into the mystical, Magical Doorest of Fors.
- I don't even know what - we're supposed to do - When we get - where we're going, - 'Cause we've done nothing - but fail the whole time.
- But I gotta say, this has - been just a comedy of errors From front to back.
Yeah, except no one's laughing.
Exactly.
I say we try out best to finish the job, - and then we can just - go our separate ways.
I pull Boneweevil aside.
Hey, look, remember when you were my hair clip? Yes.
Those are the good times.
That was earlier today.
I just know that I have more than pulled my weight.
I think you have.
I pull you farther aside.
And I make sure that that registers to Fondue.
I want to make it look like, "Ah, get over here.
" Oh, believe me, I'm good at one thing, - noticing that - everyone hates me.
Look, let's just get through this.
We don't have to talk.
Let's just - We can work together - without being friends.
- I don't yes.
- Exactly.
- Yes.
- Fine.
Massive trees surround you in the Doorest of Fors, and carved into every one of these trees is a large, ornate, wooden door.
Every single tree in the Doorest has one or more doors on it without fail.
You can smell the sweet smell of roasting meat over an open fire.
Hmm.
You can also see smoke coming from a campfire not far off.
Huh.
Cuckoo-cuckoo! - [whispered.]
- There's smoke over there.
Someone's got a campfire.
All right, - I use my stealth - To sneak up towards - the campfire, Like hidden from tree to tree.
You hide as you crawl your way towards the campfire, where you see a small little man - roasting a lizard - on a stick.
I use my Stealth of four and my acrobatics, and I follow behind, climbing through the trees.
- - All right.
- Yep.
Stealthily you climb.
While all this is happening, - I kind of tentatively - walk up and go [clears throat.]
- - It's a goblin.
- He's coming right for you.
It's a hemming and hawing.
Ahh.
[laughter.]
Back, fiend! Oh, no, no, - I'm no fiend.
I'm just a wayward - I'm traveling with these people, - and there's bickering, And I hate bickering, and I I smelled lizard, and I followed my nose.
Ha! Like the great god, Toucan.
- I jump out of the tree.
- Aghh! Eh-hi! Hi.
Uh, Buer O'Shift, traveling with him.
- No diplomacy.
- Not gonna hurt you though.
No, diplomacy needed, friends.
I am Dildo Bogpelt.
[laughter and applause.]
Dildo, what are you doing out here all alone? - What are you cooking - and can we have some? Oh, it's only but a humble single lizard.
I suppose I could share it with some new friends.
I'm out here in the woods, just chilling.
'Tis my home, you see? But I seek far greater dangers.
I'm after the Heralds of the Manticore.
Whoa! So are we.
Nice.
So are we.
- No, wait, wait, - wait, wait, wait a second.
- I hesitate to even - mention this, - But we're pretty responsible - for all three Of the Arcane Runestones falling into Vortheon's hands.
- Why are you bragging - about that? I'm not.
I'm just saying, full disclosure - Oh.
- Like, you're gonna find out If we embark with you on this mission together, - you're gonna find out - that we had - We've met a lot of these - people before, - And they got the best of us - every time.
We're kinda hoping that in the very final battle humility will be the weapon that defeats some kind of narcissistic dragon.
That, like, we fit our self-loathing into an integrity-shaped hole or something.
- Because if beating it - requires hitting something With a sword, we are fucked.
Life.
What a fickle mistress.
Oh, to court her.
[laughter.]
And with that, Dildo packs a little pipe and he tokes away.
I've heard of your people.
Can you blow the smoke in shapes of stuff? Well, yes.
What do I need to roll to do that? I guess that'd be Dexterity.
So just add your Dexterity modifier.
I'd love to.
I got a 17.
You make whatever shapes you were trying to make.
I make a nice, long cylinder with a bulbous tip at the end, and it and it shudders for a moment and then evaporates.
What wait.
Was that I think he just blew a big dick.
Ah, you see what you will in the clouds, my friend.
I look around the circle, looking at Or I start examining the doors.
- Most of the doors - in this area Are kind of indistinct, - as if they're not - fully grown, But you do see four of them that do look fully grown.
I look at those.
- In the doors - you see little symbols, - Little, you know, - marking indicating Some sort of door qualities or properties.
Can I use can I use a Spell Craft roll to try and decipher these these things? - Yeah, yeah, - what's your Spell Craft? It's seven.
Okay.
May I, m'lord? Yeah.
Ooh.
12 plus 7.
Using your Spell Craft, you can see that this is ancient nature magic that's wrought throughout the forest.
It seems to be held in place by the Forest Guardian, the deity that rules over this area.
- Now, Dildo, you said - that you grew up here.
- So you know your way - around this forest.
- What's the deal - with these doors? Well, they are brought about by an ancient nature deity.
I know his name and where to find him, maybe.
If I roll successfully on my Nature Knowledge.
- Do you have - Nature Knowledge? I do.
This guy's kicking ass.
We've got a ringer over here.
19.
That was so close to a sweet, fat natural.
Is that with Big, juicy natch.
Is that with the bonus? That's no, natural 19.
Plus a 10.
I mean, you know I'm rolling hard here.
Yeah, yeah.
[laughter.]
The Forest Guardian, his name is Clarence.
And he makes his lair deep in the heart of the forest in the wild wood.
We seek Clarence deep within the wild wood at the heart of the forest, that-a-way.
All right, so off we go to find Clarence.
I don't know you guys.
When we meet Clarence, be cool.
You go down the woods, and you see two large trees that are larger than all the other trees.
Tangled woods block out your pathways to other directions.
- Guys, we're - Zoooomp.
- We're being funneled - into these trees.
- We're being video gamed.
- Yeah.
In front of the two trees, you see two wolf-like creatures.
One of them seems to be some sort of hybrid between a wolf and a crocodile.
And the other seems to be a similar hybrid, between a wolf and an alligator.
They're very distinct from each other.
Oh.
- As we come up - to the wolf beasts, I go Mitch, Duncan.
'Sup, guys? Mitch and Duncan launch into their little tirade, speaking in unison they say both: One of us tells only truths, the other only lies.
But if you want to get past us, you'll have to ask to find your prize.
I walk I, Boneweevil, walk up to Mitch and Duncan.
I go uh, nice try, fellas.
- Mitch who's Mitch? - You Mitch? Which one's Mitch? You only get one question.
- Okay, fine.
- Oh, shit.
That that didn't count.
That doesn't count.
I say look, you, whatever you're Crocodile-looking guy, uh, what door would the other guy say is the door to go through? - Because he's gonna have - to either lie or tell the truth, - But he would tell me - the wrong door and so would you, - No matter whether you're - the liar or the truth-teller.
And then we go through the opposite door.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Which door would - the other guy tell me - Is the right door - to go through? Very clever.
I would say the second door.
- Well, let's go - through the first door.
I just walk right past them - and go right through - the first door.
You charge directly at the door embedded in the tree and fling it open.
Through the door you can see forest beyond.
Well done, goblin.
- Yeah, guys, follow me.
- I think we did it.
- Great job.
- We did it.
I mean, I did it.
You guys didn't do shit.
I did it all.
Compliment rescinded.
All right, well, I go third.
'Cause I It's a coward's instinct.
And I'll bring up the rear.
Good old Dildo, bringing up the rear.
When you go through, you're in a smaller forest clearing, blocked by hedges and bushes.
- You see that the trees - in this area Are a lot skinnier, more scraggly and thin.
- They don't have doors - on them.
Two narrow paths are the only way forward.
- I examine the paths to see - what the difference is Between the look and feel of each of these paths.
One of them, you see a lot of hanging They look like hanging baubles or trinkets.
- They're just hanging - from the trees, Hanging from the leaves.
The other, you can see draped across the leaves sort of sort of maybe circular limp shapes.
They're pink.
Pink limp shapes.
Guys, I've been seeing the writing on the wall since we were arguing.
I overheard your conversation.
You guys take the bauble path.
I'll go down Pussy Road.
Fittingly that you walk down Pussy Road.
Dildo launches into a classic woodland tale about, uh, how the cheetah came up to the turtle and said - Turtle, why you move - so slow? And the turtle says Because I don't have any power, and I don't have any friends.
And the most important thing to going fast is friendship.
Something to that effect.
And I'd like to use my knowledge of nature to recall the ancient myth that perfectly applies, and I got a five.
But five plus ten.
- All you remember is - what you've said just then.
You know, the broad strokes of the story.
And then I say So? Wait, are you saying that friendship is more important - than speed, that we should - stick together And use teamwork to get what we want? I think.
You did only roll a five though, so What's "roll a five"? Can I make a pitch? - Let's split up in two teams - of two at least then.
Well, now I want to go down Pussy Road.
Let's go together.
Ah, Dildo and Fondue, classic side adventure.
You head down the small path.
It's flanked by these fleshy, limp, circular objects on the trees and bushes.
- The other guys, - they think I'm useless.
You know, 'cause I react naturally to things.
I have feelings.
As do all.
What do you think these fleshy things are? Hmm, my guess, pussies.
[laughter.]
Not interested.
The forest is my lover.
I pick one up.
- It makes a slow - farting sound.
[farting sound.]
It's a you know, it's a whoopee cushion.
A what? I've heard of these, from the realm of Catalogia.
I put one down, and I sit on it.
[farting sound.]
- It emits a low farting sound.
- It's hilarious.
That's what I've heard.
- All right, so we're walking - So we're on the Bauble road.
- We're walking down - Bauble Road.
- I examine the baubles - and see what those You see they're - small rings, - They're small rings - with oversized fittings.
They don't seem to be rare or valuable in any way.
I pluck one of the rings off of one of the trees.
All right, you do that, and when you do it you feel a terrible electric buzzing - as if something is - shocking you joyfully.
- Oh jeez, joy buzzers.
- Eh.
You take three lightning damage.
[laughs.]
But am I delighted because of the novelty of this gag? Not really, - but you feel - Like some other entity - might be.
- I say out loud - to the entity, I say Nice one.
You really got me.
Nope.
Are we hearing "nope"? Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Can I use Perception to try to see - where the voice - is coming from? - It's coming from - down the road.
- All right.
- You can hear it.
I turn back at Boneweevil.
I'm running towards the voice! You run towards the voice, and you enter another Yet another clearing, this one ensconced with entangled, twisted wood.
Clarence, is this your nest? On the ground below, you can see You can see a small flower sprouting up out of the dirt.
Clarence.
- I'm just gonna keep on - saying "Clarence.
" Is that I've caught up to Buer, and I say - I'm almost certain - you're gonna get water Squirted in your face by this flower.
Well now, you know, it's ruined, so It's ruined? No water's squirting.
I'm Clarence.
- Oh, ho, ho, Clarence.
- Oh, Clarence.
- Were you gonna - squirt us, Clarence? Yeah, I just said that.
Points.
You wouldn't happen to have any peanut brittle in a can that I maybe could enjoy? Oh, that's in the other path.
And just then Fondue and Dildo - come walking through - the other path Eating peanut brittle.
- This is great.
- Yes.
Greetings, travelers.
I am the Forest Guardian.
If you seek to find your way, you will fail without my say.
For all these woods and trees are mine, and occasionally I'll try to rhyme.
To get my blessing, face my trials, but be warned it may take quite a while.
- How many trials - are there, Clarence? Three.
Let's let's - I say we dive right into this.
- Yeah.
- Let's do it.
- The First Trial.
The Trial of Honesty! The heart of a hero is true, blue and pure.
One boasts through lies keeps truth demure.
Which of you is the least honest? Okay, I say I am.
Stop it.
All right.
That's a lie.
You're lying.
You're right.
Second Trial is the Trial of Courage.
The courage of a hero is paramount.
But which of you has the least amount? Who's the biggest coward? [muttering.]
Me.
I am a coward, and a coward is someone that is afraid.
A true hero is courageous.
Knock that shit off.
Then I'll be brave from now on.
Gonna be courageous? Yeah, yeah.
Trial done.
The Third Trial is the Trial of Love.
The highest virtue, gift from above.
Surely one of you needs the most love.
Me! Me! Me! Help me! The flower just bursts into flames.
You see a wooden vine shoot through the ground and form into a sort of plant-like creature named Clarence again, he's like Jesus Christ, that's the hardest pass of a trial I've ever witnessed.
I mean, I'm gonna be honest with you.
- There's four trials.
- What? The last trial is real simple.
You just have to speak the password.
- What is it? - What what is it? It's your original password.
Ohh.
- Is there a security question - I can ask? Oh, yeah, no.
You can always Yeah, you can always reset your password.
That's always an option.
- What was your - first pet's name? Anus.
- So what kind of pet was he? - Or her? Uh, it was a little wolverine.
And what was the mascot of your high school? High school.
See, I knew I just wrote it down because I didn't want to admit to the system that I didn't go to a high school.
Ugh Uh, a Oh-oh-oh! - Oh, he's coming.
- He's having a stroke.
He's having a stroke! - Oh, no! - Jesus Christ! - Oh! Oh! - Somebody help! - Somebody help him! - Put a stick in his mouth! - Somebody help him! - Put a stick in his mouth! No, no, that's epilepsy.
Eagle! An eagle! God damn it.
Yeah, that's correct.
You may reset your password.
- [sighs.]
- Oh, my god, that's Oh, what do we want it to be? It should be memorable, but it should have Be case-sensitive.
Okay.
Um FuckWhatlWant6969.
[laughter and applause.]
All right, your password has been reset.
Now speak your original password.
Friendship.
Well, nope.
Shit.
You have three more tries.
- Oh, fuck, sorry, guys.
- Okay.
- FuckWhatlWant - Was it Friendship? No, it was FuckWhat - No, I took in - two passwords at once.
That's not gonna work.
- What? Come on.
- Just say the Okay, okay, I - No, no, no, no, - gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
- We know it.
- It's the one it's that one.
- No, I know, but - he took in two at once, - So we have to do it - over again.
Reset the password.
- Wait, I want to reset - the password.
- No, don't! - I want to reset the password.
We want to reset it.
I want to reset it.
- All right, what was - your childhood pet's name? Uh, Lucy.
- Nope.
- It's Anus! - Nope? - No.
- Anus.
- Anus, yep.
- What was your - high school mascot? - Eagle.
- Eagle.
Yep, okay, reset the password.
DoobieBrothers99.
All right, DoobieBrothers99.
Your password has been reset.
Please enter your original password.
DoobieBrothers99.
His eyes, they glow.
They glow so bright the Forest Guardian, made of leaves and vines, collapses into drier leaves and drier vines.
You hear a voice echoing throughout the woods.
Congratulations, now find your path, truly discovered heroes who have truly discovered themselves and will now truly discover what they seek.
You you can see the forest around you kinda drop away.
- The entangled woods - all disappears, - And in front of - your very path Is a crumbling stone temple surrounded in trees and shrouded in vegetation.
This must be the Heralds' secret hideout.
Guys We did it.
We did it.
We did it through all: Friendship.
But that wasn't the password.
No, Dan, it would have Or, sorry, no, Zoobag.
- It would have been - "friendship.
" Would it have been? - Because we could have - made it anything.
- But you want - to put a number on it, - Because, like, "friendship" - just is one word, - And it's not a very - strong password.
You want to put some numbers or some, like - So it's not I mean, - "friendship" is the password For this situation.
- We want to reset - the password.
I've stopped being manifest.
- Oh, he went away.
- Okay.
- You know, - the password's stupid.
- We can change the password - whenever we want.
- Like, I mean, in the future, - probably.
But for us going forward, all: Our password is "friendship.
" But it got changed to DoobieBrothers.
Dildo, lead the way.
This is your big thing.
- Yeah, you wanted to find - the Heralds of Manticore.
We did it.
Let's go headlong into the temple.
Oh, but you turn to ask this question to Dildo, who but moments ago was standing right there, - but he's nowhere - to be found.
Where is he? - Was he ever even there - in the first place? - Dildo, if you're - still out there, Use your magical pipe and blow a shape in the air - just to let us know - that you really were With us at one point.
Just over some hedges, you see a cylindrical shape with a bulbous tip.
Oh.
- And more smoke - comes out of the tip.
- Oh.
- Because - And it floats - towards you all - Aww.
- Ohh.
And splashes on your faces.
Oh.
[cheers and applause.]
Now now that's an ending.
That is a happy ending.
But will our heroes make it in time to save the world? Or would the Great Manticore be resurrected, ushering in a new age of darkness? Find out next time on "HarmonQuest.
" - Thomas Middleditch, - everybody! [cheers and applause.]
Jeff Davis! Erin McGathy! - Spencer Crittenden, - our Game Master.
We will see you in the next chapter on "HarmonQuest!" [cheers and applause.]
[dramatic music.]
HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest, Quest HarmonQuest HarmonQuest.
Did you get any of that? It's-a good-a show! [upbeat accordion music.]