Harvey Beaks (2015) s02e23 Episode Script

Princess Wants a Mom; Rage Against the Michelle

1 [cheerful music] Harvey Harvey Harvey [grunting] Princess, don't you want to help Daddy steer? With both of us using our energy we might be able to make it back to the shoreline.
[groans] No, I'm good.
I'm gonna keep streaming this show.
[baby giggling] Huh? [baby giggling] - Hmm.
- All done.
[gasps] It's beautiful! Thank you, Mother.
Hello, Mummy! Oh.
Mummy? [bubbling] I'm gonna call you back.
Daddy, how come everyone else's dad is a woman? Sweetie, those are moms.
Oh, right.
I want one of those! - I want one of those! Gimme! - Oh, dear.
No.
- Gimme! I want one, now! - Don't do that.
- Daughter.
Plea please! - Daddy! [yelling] [quirky music] Sun salutations, child.
Morning, Dr.
Roberts.
Dad sent me over to borrow a cup of sugar.
I don't keep processed poisons in my home, but I do have weighted pebbles.
- Are these healthier? - No, but they do taste awful.
Silent protest! [clanking] Silent protest! I want a mom! Ah! I want a mom! But Princess, you have a mother.
See? This mass of enchanted crystals represents your mother before she ascended our physical realm.
And this shrine is here for your maternal needs.
What more could you want? - Ah! You don't get it, Daddy! - You know, I just realized, it's really inappropriate for me to be Daddy, is the crystal shrine gonna throw spritzer on the paparazzi at my first wedding? Is the crystal shrine gonna take me handbag shopping after I settle my first divorce? - No! It won't! Sassy hair flip.
- [sighs] You're right.
Well, what my sweetie wants, my sweetie shall have.
Good, then it's settled.
You're gonna start dating now! I'm actually a pretty incredible matchmaker.
One time, Dade was looking for a sweater, and then I found him a sweater.
[pleasant music] Ladies, thank you for coming today.
You're all here for a chance to win a date with our eligible bachelor.
An expert in crystal healing, a proud father, and owner of a full head of hair Dr.
Roberts.
Ooh! I'm Tara.
I'm a hairdresser and I scream in my sleep.
I'm Hanzi, and sometimes the moon talks to me.
I came here to dispute a parking ticket from 1994.
Let's get this game started! [pleasant music] Oh.
Dating.
Yay.
Okay, Mrs.
Hanzi, this first question is a little personal.
What is your favorite type of food? My favorite food is anything that is made with love and intention.
- Dad, what'd you answer? - Oh, darn.
Well, I wrote food made with anger.
- Wha - Oh, well, not a match.
Okay, Ms.
Tara, this question is pretty risqué.
What is your favorite color? Hoo hoo hoo! - Um, I don't know, purple? - Incompatible, not a match.
[buzzer sounds] Gimme! You wrote violet.
That's just fancy purple! Violet is very different than regular purple.
Polar opposites vibrationally, and, uh oh, oops.
Mm.
The answer card is in my mouth.
[chuckles] Our next question is for Randl's mom.
Uh, Foo, I can't ask this.
It's disgusting.
Well, I wanna to know the answer! I drew a horse with no teeth.
Everyone off my waterbed, I'm going to sleep now.
[snoring] Oh.
[snores] What a shame.
We tried our best.
I guess there's no matches here.
Let's go inside and drink boba tea.
Daddy, wait, come back.
[both groan] Excuse me, I saw that dating profile.
Am I too late to meet the eligible bachelor? Um, well, as you can see, it's boba time now, so Ooh! I love boba.
They feel like little eyeballs.
Um, who are you? Professionally, I'm a mail order mom, but you can call me Evelyn.
Oh, man, Evelyn is awesome.
She taught me how to sew.
Hey, kiddos.
Those two are sweeties.
Hmm Daddy, you're taking this lady out on a date.
She has major wife potential.
Uh, b-b-but I thought we concluded there were no matches.
But I-I [groans] Oh.
Your daughter's room is very cute.
I have to ask about the crystals.
You have so many.
Oh, yes, they mostly help with blood impurities and cholera.
Ooh! I love that kind of stuff.
Did you know if you leave a sapphire under your pillow It'll purify your mind sphere and Both: Connect you with your past selves.
Yes! [laughs] Oh.
Sorry, I'm-I'm rambling.
It's been a really long time since I dated.
- What about you? - Well, since my wife passed, I've poured all my focus into raising my ray of sunshine.
Oh, I didn't know.
Hey! I've been spying on you for an hour.
What's the hold up? [rope breaks] [screams] [grunts] Evelyn, you live here now! Dad, marry her! Sweetie, I'm trying to make you happy.
I-I just need some Enough talk.
Hi-yah! - Daughter! - Lock it down! - Put a ring on it! - I I I - I can't do this! [sobbing] - Hey! Uh, Dad? [sobbing] Fine! I give up! I'll just never have a mom.
[door closing] [munching] Yoo-hoo.
Do you wanna talk? I know stress eating when I see it.
You must really miss your mom, huh? We never talk about her.
Dad is always acting like talking to crystals helps.
Like, she's just not here.
Your mother is here right now.
Are you gonna tell me she's in my heart? Look, I'm eating off the floor right now.
No, no, it sounds silly, but it's true.
You don't need a new mom or some crystals.
You just need yourself.
Hm.
You just focus and close your eyes.
I'll give you some privacy.
Okay, Zen.
[groaning] Ohh! What the Ew, what is this place, a sample sale? Huh? [ethereal music] - Mom? - That's right, baby.
'Tis I, MC Queen.
Do you like what I did with the place? This is fabulous.
Uh, there's so much I want to ask you.
We can talk about anything you like, but first, give Mommy a twirl.
Ooh-whoo! I call this one my peekaboo look.
You inherited my gorgeous shoulders, baby.
Now, tell me why you're upset.
Ugh! Where to begin? I told Dad he needs to start dating again but he's being all weird and crying.
Well, he's gonna have a hard time replacing me.
I'm pretty incredible.
I have four credit cards.
I don't wanna wait! I want a mom now! Darling.
Now, you remember when you were five months old and you were devastated because your favorite baby spa burned down? Rejuvenation Spa Junior.
They did kelp facials.
And you needed time to deal with that loss before you were ready to find a new baby spa, right? Oh, yeah.
See, baby? Your dad needs some time to heal too.
He'll be ready to find someone new one day.
- Promise? - I promise.
- I miss you, Mom.
- I miss you too, baby.
You know I'll always be here with you.
- Oh, hey, I'm floating.
- Oh, it's time to go, dear.
If you stay any longer you'll go into cardiac arrest.
- Good-bye, Mom! - I love you! I love you too-oo! [gasps] [coughs] Dr.
Roberts? You've been in there a while.
Are you all right? Sorry, it seems my tear chakra was surging.
I understand.
I think I'd better go.
Uh, wait.
I want to make my daughter happy, so when should we schedule the wedding? Everybody shut up! I have something to say.
[stuttering] I can't uh [groans] What is it, dear? [groans] I can't say it with words.
Just watch this.
[funk music playing] Ha! Ugh! Cappuccino machine Cappuccino Princess, you're expressing your feelings through dance.
Why, it's as clear as day.
Cappuccino machine You mean to say you've had a vision? And now you understand that I need more time before I'm ready to date again.
You're getting all this from her dancing? And you want a maternal figure, but not at the expense of my feelings? Darling, this is very mature of you.
Ha, cappuccino Ha, cappuccino machine Oh, you dance as gracefully as your mother did.
She could really break it down.
Yeah, she was the best.
Oh, I love you, dear.
Love you too, but say it, don't spray it.
I'm glad you two made up.
I think I better head home now.
Evelyn, I'm sorry about tonight.
You're a lovely woman.
Hey, don't worry about it.
And Princess, if you ever want someone to take you shopping, you let me know, okay? Really? I mean, maybe I will, whatever.
I made you some cookies.
When you're ready to date again give me a call.
Oh.
I will.
Uh, wait! I didn't get your phone number.
Duh! Daddy, look.
Oh, how clever of her to leave her number in such a - Do these have chocolate? - Wait, dear, I haven't memorized all the numbers yet! [munching] Thanks for coming, everyone.
I'm sorry to keep you junior artists waiting, but since we're busting out the markers this week, I took some extra precautions to keep us stain proof.
Uh, do I really have to wear all this? Yeah, Kratz, you're the sloppiest one here.
- Really? - Oh, yeah, definitely.
Well, yeah.
Okay, good to know.
Perfect.
As soon as I get my smock on, I'll be ready to get messy.
Oh, ho, ho, you are bad.
Huh? Hm.
I could've sworn I had it right here.
- Hey, Dade, did you take my - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come on, Harvey, what are you saying? Like, I'm the kind of guy who just goes through your stuff when you're not looking just to find out what it smells like? I was sure I had it.
I'll check upstairs.
Oh, hey, Miche-e-e-l-l-l-e.
[ominous music] Wait a second Is that my smock? Did you cover it in spaghetti? [grumbles] [heavy metal music] Okay.
No problem.
I always keep a pair of overalls handy if the smock is in the wash.
Moving on.
Let's take roll call.
Huh? Where'd my clipboard go? [babbling] [grunting] [groans, sighs] Dad! Can you do something about Michelle? - In here, son! - Dad? H-hey, buddy.
Looks like our little baby angel accidently locked me in her crib.
[chuckles] - She's a little handful, isn't she? - Oh, she's somethin'! [chuckles] Anyway, glad you found me.
- Can you - Sorry, Dad, gotta call Mom real quick.
Oh.
Okay.
Maybe Mom can come do something about Michelle.
[phone ringing] Why isn't she picking up? [phones ringing and buzzing] [grumbles] Is everything okay? Oh, yeah.
It's fine.
[chuckles] I'll just pass around the signup sheet later.
Now, let's inspire each other by looking at our work from last week.
Wow.
Look at those.
I cannot believe how talented my friends are.
I don't know about you, but I feel like I had an artistic breakthrough.
Huh? My drawing! Miche-e-e-lle! [grumbles] I'm so I just [groans] Huh? What? Ugh! What is this thing? [bump throbbing] I know exactly what that is.
You've got rage.
Join the club, my siblings make me rage all the time.
See? [bump throbbing] Oh.
Yeah, me too.
I rage quietly.
I'm good at hiding it.
[bump throbbing] Wait, really? Even you, Piri? The sun provides both beautiful light and intense, scorching heat! How do I get rid of it? Should I push it down? No! That's dangerous.
If you push your rage down you might explode.
I heard that's what happened to Kratz.
That's why we don't see him anymore.
I'm right here.
Poor, poor Kratz.
Oh, my gosh! I had no idea everyone was so enraged.
We should not have to live like this.
If only there was a way to cage this rage.
[pleasant music playing] Welcome, fellow ragers.
Now, we're all here because we're furious! Ahem.
Anyways, I think if we could just all talk out our issues, we can stop feeling so mad all the time.
Oh, uh, excuse me.
I'm a mad scientist, so technically, I'm more crazy! Than angry.
Can I stay? Sure.
Okay, who wants to go first? Okay, Claire, go for it.
Oh.
Uh, are you okay, Harvey? Yeah.
Why? Oh.
Don't mind my furrowed eyebrows.
It's just a side effect of my rage.
Please carry on.
Um, okay.
So, I guess a lot of things really make me flip my lid.
Like, how I'm so busy all the time.
But if I'm not, then my mom won't be proud of me, and that stinks.
And my sister gets all the attention because "she's perfect.
" But I mean, I guess she is perfect.
Okay, we get it! Sisters are garbage, big deal.
Hey, hey, you don't know what it's like.
Siblings are the worst! Wow, Dade.
[chuckles] So interesting how I had my hand up before you and yet you're the one who gets to comment.
Okay, let's just calm down everyone.
Anyways, as I was saying, my sister Hey, what is with that tone? You know, I was defending you.
Can't we talk about my problems? I have several.
How about we talk about how none of you make eye contact when you talk to me? I'm just blocking all you haters.
Blocked! I was the first to raise my hand.
I did everything right! I've got a theory that the moon is a woman.
Uh, guys, one at a time.
[all talking at once] Come on, listen, everyone.
If we just [groans] [all talking at once] Whoa.
What? [growls] Everyone shut your pie holes! [gasps] I'm sorry, everyone.
I don't know what came over me.
But Harvey, look.
Is it just me, or did your rage lose some juice? You're right, I think shouting helped.
Hey, everyone, try screaming! Hey, maybe don't tell me what to do! Well, it's working, isn't it? Yes, actually, thank you! I feel much better! Good! I'm glad! Um, what are we supposed to yell about? Anything! Okay.
[screaming] I know what I'm gonna scream about how uncomfortable these dang chairs are! [heavy metal music] Yeah! Stab it in the face with your fist! Wow, this is wonderful! I'm really starting to feel relieved! Hey, sweetie, what are you shouting about? Everything! Thanks for asking! Awesome! I love a good holler! But seriously, you guys can't scream in the library.
Can we be loud and destructive elsewhere? Of course, sweetie.
[all screaming and yelling] [heavy metal music] Wait a minute, this is my house.
Wow, great meeting, everyone.
I feel good knowing we could all leave here today with a little less rage.
[all agreeing at once] Doot doot dealing with my anger Doot doot dooby dooby dooby dooby [sighs] My bedroom, one of my favorite rooms in the house.
[humming] Bu bu bu b-bu b-bu b-b-bu b-b-bu bu bu bu [groans] [slowly rising scream] [baby babbling] Michelle! You keep ruining my personal property! How about I ruin some of yours? [grunts] [dramatic music] [prolonged scream] [panting] Harvey, we all heard your enraged distress call.
[growling] Michelle's rattle.
[gasps] Do it, Harvey.
There's nothing else left to do.
Let your rage out.
She wrecked your stuff, you wreck hers.
That's justice.
[grunting] I'm sorry, Michelle, but this is justice! [groans] [cheers and laughter] [ominous music] There.
[grumbling] Oh.
Oh.
Lookit! She's got the rage too.
Michelle, you must release your darkness.
[music] [groans] [screaming] No! My gummies! You ripped the pocket where I keep my vitamin gummies! How am I supposed to be a healthy boy without my vitamins? [blows raspberry] [growling] All: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Wait, are you even allowed to fight babies? Technically, no.
All: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Harvey! Michelle! Time for dinner! I can see you playing on that distant plateau with my binoculars! Anyways, hurry home! Love you! [ominous music] Sure feels a little tense at the dinner table tonight.
- Is everything okay between you two? - Yup! - Eep! - Well, whatever happened, just remember that you two are family.
Tend to your anger as you would tend to each other, - with love, with care.
- Where did that come from? It's on the back of the juice box.
[dramatic music] [growling] [grunting] [breathing deeply] [baby babbling] [both laughing] [pleasant music]