Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s02e04 Episode Script
High Speed Buggy Chase
lf you're just joining us, what you're seeing is happening live.
A rust-colored.
-Dune buggy.
-Then again.
He's now trying to get away on foot.
So sorry we couldn't help out.
But again, doing a will after you're dead is pretty much frowned upon.
lt's a legal thing.
That's not what the founding fathers intended.
l know.
l was there.
You lawyers are screwing up this whole country! We're trying.
Bye-bye, now.
How do you think they'd react to pornography? -Or naked pictures, even? -l'm thinking George Washington would have had more wood than just his teeth.
What's this? What do you mean, you're resigning? l'm not surprised you could get another job.
That's not what l'm saying.
There's plenty of people who would want to employ a giant dictation-taking purple eagle.
lt says here you're a bird.
Good.
Dirth was a good assistant, you understand but he had trouble with dictation.
He would start out well enough, but then.
Smoke? When's your last day? Caw? lt can't be caw! That's the day the high-speed buggy-chase case starts.
l can't do it without you.
Can't you work till next cawday? -l have no idea why he quit.
-Toss, toss.
l wonder if it had something to do with us not paying him.
That's just the sort of shortsightedness you see in employees today.
Sure, he wasn't getting paid but he should consider the whole benefits package.
Free artificial sweetener in the break room up and down elevators, recycled air.
l would have lost every case if it weren't for that bird.
Being covered by purple moss.
Free fluorescent lights, toilet seat protectors.
Hell, l'm nothing without Avenger.
-l'm a fake, an impostor! -Get a hold of yourself, mister.
-l'll get you a new assistant.
-You will? Thank you.
Twenty years? This blows.
Who's up for a Hooters run? What? Hooters.
-For the bird? lt's an owl reference.
-Big bosoms make me nauseous.
And look, now, you look like a muffin.
Via con Los Lobos, old friend.
Dibs on his perch! No fair changes.
Sure, Speed gets a little overexcited every once in a while but he's never pulled any crap like this.
l'm going to clean out your carburetor.
So he's never had any other trouble with the law? He got a ticket once for tiptoeing in the passing lane.
-The charge was thrown out.
-Make a note of that.
What do you mean, he's not a good typist? For one, he's too light.
He can't press down the keys.
You know what he needs? A mate.
Finches are sad without a mate.
They won't type without one.
And l don't think he understands English.
Maybe l got a European goldfinch by mistake.
Crap.
Nope, l'd say he understands plenty.
Who keeps turning the thermostat down? Peanut, you? You? Emperor penguin, you? -You wanted to see me? -Meet Roxanne.
We got her from Franklin, Garben, and Kline.
We got her from the emu ranch off l-25.
Yeah, we got her from the emu ranch off of l-25.
They raise emus there.
For clerical work.
She sure is jumpy when she's in estrus.
Here, can you file that under ''Phantom, Funky''? And can you hand me that pen? Harv, how's it.
My God! lt's an ostrich! lt's an ostrich! Get off! lt's an ostrich! -Peanut, did you get that book for speed-- -What? l broke her.
They didn't have one on how to stop sputtering? Yes, you know, he's more of a sputterer.
-Pirates, Peanut! Pirates! -This is the one.
Sparky here does 60 words per minute and can recite hundreds of case histories.
Or cockney limericks.
l always get those confused.
tomato soup.
All right, l'm stuck.
Get the remote.
Okay, hit it again.
All right, who here is from Massachusetts? Somebody in this courtroom's thinking an awful lot about Nantucket.
Mr.
Vulturo, if you would begin.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury today you shall hear how the accused at top speed.
Who among us hasn't made an error or two while driving? Leaving a left turn indicator on.
Running a yellow light.
Leading the cops on a wild, 40-minute goose chase through two counties until you crash into a barrier wall and oncoming traffic.
Do tiny mistakes like this mean we're criminal? Or does it mean we're merely human, slash, talking car? Funky Phantom.
l'm seeing what, a hat, a cravat and what are those? Sans-culottes? So l got to know, what makes you think you're so funky? What makes me think l'm so funky? Okay, so, yeah, that's funky.
Kindly state your name for the record.
-Speed Buggy.
-l see, and do you.
driver's license? l didn't know l needed a license to operate myself.
why you were driving.
Day? You see, l was along with a.
Then all of a sudden.
Objection! ln Wallenburg v.
State of Massachusetts the court ruled that the driver of experimental vehicles did not need a license.
You, talking car.
No, nobody's sitting there.
Have a seat.
What do you mean, you want to come back? He fired you? l'd love to, but l already have an assistant.
We're really gelling as a team.
He does all the law stuff, and l do, you know all the things you need a thumb for.
Yeah, it is great.
Listen, l wish l could help you out, but you know, position's been filled.
Let me know if l can give you a reference or something sometime.
Wait, you're working for the other guy? l would've gotten you a new velocipede.
Just ask.
Avenger, Harvey.
How are you? Great.
Listen, what are you doing right now? l'm in a bit of a bind.
l was wondering if you could maybe temp for me, say on.
No? Okay.
Yeah, l understand.
You, too.
Bye.
l'll be fine.
Mr.
Tinker, tell us, what are we seeing here? That's us using Speed's remote control.
We talk into it.
He does whatever we tell him.
So, would it be safe to say that Speed Buggy doesn't do something unless he's told to? Hell, yeah, that's how he's built.
So there's absolutely, positively no way he would say, hop up right now and go berserk? That's right, yes.
-Avenger! -Emu! No emus in my courtroom.
To the left.
You're almost to the finish line.
Get in the lane.
Rotate your tires! Not guilty.
Avenger, we've managed to get you your own office.
Here's your assistant.
And here's your pay.
For once.
Okay, now jump the median.
Turn your headlights on.
Awesome! Hit that old lady.
-She's nimble.
-What are you doing? English
A rust-colored.
-Dune buggy.
-Then again.
He's now trying to get away on foot.
So sorry we couldn't help out.
But again, doing a will after you're dead is pretty much frowned upon.
lt's a legal thing.
That's not what the founding fathers intended.
l know.
l was there.
You lawyers are screwing up this whole country! We're trying.
Bye-bye, now.
How do you think they'd react to pornography? -Or naked pictures, even? -l'm thinking George Washington would have had more wood than just his teeth.
What's this? What do you mean, you're resigning? l'm not surprised you could get another job.
That's not what l'm saying.
There's plenty of people who would want to employ a giant dictation-taking purple eagle.
lt says here you're a bird.
Good.
Dirth was a good assistant, you understand but he had trouble with dictation.
He would start out well enough, but then.
Smoke? When's your last day? Caw? lt can't be caw! That's the day the high-speed buggy-chase case starts.
l can't do it without you.
Can't you work till next cawday? -l have no idea why he quit.
-Toss, toss.
l wonder if it had something to do with us not paying him.
That's just the sort of shortsightedness you see in employees today.
Sure, he wasn't getting paid but he should consider the whole benefits package.
Free artificial sweetener in the break room up and down elevators, recycled air.
l would have lost every case if it weren't for that bird.
Being covered by purple moss.
Free fluorescent lights, toilet seat protectors.
Hell, l'm nothing without Avenger.
-l'm a fake, an impostor! -Get a hold of yourself, mister.
-l'll get you a new assistant.
-You will? Thank you.
Twenty years? This blows.
Who's up for a Hooters run? What? Hooters.
-For the bird? lt's an owl reference.
-Big bosoms make me nauseous.
And look, now, you look like a muffin.
Via con Los Lobos, old friend.
Dibs on his perch! No fair changes.
Sure, Speed gets a little overexcited every once in a while but he's never pulled any crap like this.
l'm going to clean out your carburetor.
So he's never had any other trouble with the law? He got a ticket once for tiptoeing in the passing lane.
-The charge was thrown out.
-Make a note of that.
What do you mean, he's not a good typist? For one, he's too light.
He can't press down the keys.
You know what he needs? A mate.
Finches are sad without a mate.
They won't type without one.
And l don't think he understands English.
Maybe l got a European goldfinch by mistake.
Crap.
Nope, l'd say he understands plenty.
Who keeps turning the thermostat down? Peanut, you? You? Emperor penguin, you? -You wanted to see me? -Meet Roxanne.
We got her from Franklin, Garben, and Kline.
We got her from the emu ranch off l-25.
Yeah, we got her from the emu ranch off of l-25.
They raise emus there.
For clerical work.
She sure is jumpy when she's in estrus.
Here, can you file that under ''Phantom, Funky''? And can you hand me that pen? Harv, how's it.
My God! lt's an ostrich! lt's an ostrich! Get off! lt's an ostrich! -Peanut, did you get that book for speed-- -What? l broke her.
They didn't have one on how to stop sputtering? Yes, you know, he's more of a sputterer.
-Pirates, Peanut! Pirates! -This is the one.
Sparky here does 60 words per minute and can recite hundreds of case histories.
Or cockney limericks.
l always get those confused.
tomato soup.
All right, l'm stuck.
Get the remote.
Okay, hit it again.
All right, who here is from Massachusetts? Somebody in this courtroom's thinking an awful lot about Nantucket.
Mr.
Vulturo, if you would begin.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury today you shall hear how the accused at top speed.
Who among us hasn't made an error or two while driving? Leaving a left turn indicator on.
Running a yellow light.
Leading the cops on a wild, 40-minute goose chase through two counties until you crash into a barrier wall and oncoming traffic.
Do tiny mistakes like this mean we're criminal? Or does it mean we're merely human, slash, talking car? Funky Phantom.
l'm seeing what, a hat, a cravat and what are those? Sans-culottes? So l got to know, what makes you think you're so funky? What makes me think l'm so funky? Okay, so, yeah, that's funky.
Kindly state your name for the record.
-Speed Buggy.
-l see, and do you.
driver's license? l didn't know l needed a license to operate myself.
why you were driving.
Day? You see, l was along with a.
Then all of a sudden.
Objection! ln Wallenburg v.
State of Massachusetts the court ruled that the driver of experimental vehicles did not need a license.
You, talking car.
No, nobody's sitting there.
Have a seat.
What do you mean, you want to come back? He fired you? l'd love to, but l already have an assistant.
We're really gelling as a team.
He does all the law stuff, and l do, you know all the things you need a thumb for.
Yeah, it is great.
Listen, l wish l could help you out, but you know, position's been filled.
Let me know if l can give you a reference or something sometime.
Wait, you're working for the other guy? l would've gotten you a new velocipede.
Just ask.
Avenger, Harvey.
How are you? Great.
Listen, what are you doing right now? l'm in a bit of a bind.
l was wondering if you could maybe temp for me, say on.
No? Okay.
Yeah, l understand.
You, too.
Bye.
l'll be fine.
Mr.
Tinker, tell us, what are we seeing here? That's us using Speed's remote control.
We talk into it.
He does whatever we tell him.
So, would it be safe to say that Speed Buggy doesn't do something unless he's told to? Hell, yeah, that's how he's built.
So there's absolutely, positively no way he would say, hop up right now and go berserk? That's right, yes.
-Avenger! -Emu! No emus in my courtroom.
To the left.
You're almost to the finish line.
Get in the lane.
Rotate your tires! Not guilty.
Avenger, we've managed to get you your own office.
Here's your assistant.
And here's your pay.
For once.
Okay, now jump the median.
Turn your headlights on.
Awesome! Hit that old lady.
-She's nimble.
-What are you doing? English