Haters Back Off (2016) s02e02 Episode Script

Getting Condomsated 4 My Ad

1 [SINGING] Can't read my, can't read my No, he can't read my poker face She's got me like nobody Can't read my, can't read my No, he can't read my poker face Oh, my God.
Patrick! Look.
Oh, yeah, I know.
Her views are skyrocketing.
More importantly, if you look at her subscriber No, Patrick! Open your eyes! I'm talking about this advertisement.
Roadie, paper.
I have a Five Phase Plan to make.
[BETHANY] You've reached Bethany.
Leave a message.
Now, what do I [JIM] Miranda, get in here! Hold your horsies! I'm coming! You should've picked up.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING] There you are! Look.
[MIRANDA] Wait, what the heck is that? Why is there a taco covering my knees? That's the best part! Patrick, do something! Break the computer! No, no! Wait, wait, wait! Listen, I know why we didn't get to New York.
Because you weigh too much.
- No.
The suitcase adds 20 pounds.
- Okay.
No, it's because we didn't have a plan.
This advertisement will launch us into my new Five Phase Plan for Becoming a Legend.
[MIRANDA] Ooh, very nice.
First, we get paid for this advertisement.
Then we take that money and we make merchandise, which we then sell for more money.
Then we take that money and we build a Miranda theme park.
- Then we buy a bank.
- Well, yeah.
Then we get the money from inside the bank and fly first class to Broadway.
Bam! You're a legend! And, Patrick, you're flying coach.
I'm willing to do that.
I'm so excited! [CHUCKLES] Before you know it, we'll be in New York City.
- Oh, The Big Easy.
- Tinsel Town.
- The Windy City.
- You know it.
- The Garden State.
- Yes.
The City of Stars.
Big Apple.
They don't call it that anymore, Patrick.
So, how long till we get money? All we have to do is go to our local Taco Ta-go and claim what's rightfully ours.
Are you insane? I can't go out in public! You saw what happened to me at that airport.
I got mobbed by a fan! You're right.
It's safer if you stay here and we go.
Fine, fine, fine, if you insist.
I guess I have to go.
But I'll need to be incognito.
Just keep a low profile.
Come on.
Let's go.
- [SIGHS] Dang it! - What? The van can't leave the driveway.
I welded a huge septic tank to the bottom of it when I was living in there.
Uncle Jim! Stop installing toilets in things! It's ruining my plans for Broadway.
- I need to go! - [MIRANDA GROANS] Wait.
Patrick! You're pedaling us to Taco Ta-go! That's five miles.
I don't think I can go five miles with three passengers.
- Shotgun! - I call the caboose.
[PATRICK PANTING] I have arrived! No pictures.
No pictures, please, ladies and gentlemen.
I am a very busy lady.
I'm exhausted, so Oh, hi! - Are you - Yes, it's me! Miranda.
ready to order? - He's nervous.
That's so cute.
- It's cute.
First time with a celebity, so [CHUCKLES] Don't worry, I'm just a regular person just like you.
Except better.
We are here to collect the money that you owe my client.
Uh, what? [SCOFFS] Okay, I think I know the problem.
He doesn't recognize me, so Okay.
Get ready to have your mind blown.
- It's her.
It is her.
- Miranda Sings.
[NORMAL] From YouTube.
The famous celebity here in your store.
I don't know who you are.
- What? - Liar! You put your ad on one of her YouTube videos.
Yes, and we want to be condomsated for it.
- Compensated.
- Yes.
We want to be condomsated right Condomsated.
Right now, we want to be condomsated.
Who's in charge here? Is that your daddy? Get over here, sir! - Excuse me, hi.
Is there a problem? - [JIM] Yes, actually.
You need to pay us however much a person should be compensated for - for doing a taco commercial.
- Yes.
That's at least $20, right? At least $20, or the chimichanga burrito, the fried burrito and um - Maybe, uh The gringo tacos.
- The gringo tacos.
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you folks to leave.
What? You can't treat me that way.
I'm a celebity, and I am the face of this company! No, he's the face of this company.
- [MIRANDA] That stupid taco? - Now would you get out of my restaurant? Well, congratulations, sir.
Because you just made the biggest mistake of your life.
- [PANTING] Thirsty, water - No! We're leaving now, Patrick! Okay.
[HORN HONKS] Oh, a fan! Hi! Oh, uh, that honk was for me, so [PASSERBY] Taco! - [GRUNTS] - [MASCOT] Hey! Give me that! Stop stealing my honks! Go, Patrick! Emily, please come home.
Mom, I like it here.
Seriously? I know Dad has his quirks, but he's not all bad.
He listens to me.
He's supportive.
He likes my paintings.
Oh, Emily.
He has a history of lying.
Thank you.
You have no idea what I've been through to get here.
I I skipped the crucifixion, I ate a sandwich with Jesus, and then I tried flan.
What are you talking about? I came to a realization.
I am your mother.
- You're just now getting that? - It's my job to take care of you.
So you need to come home so I can do that.
- I was miserable there.
- Oh.
Was it the smell? Because I could light candles.
Mom, it's Miranda.
No, I think the smell is coming from Jim.
No, I was miserable because of Miranda.
She just walks all over us and you don't even try to stop her.
Well, no.
That's not true.
I I stood up to Miranda.
- Really? What happened? - Yes! Well, she was being mean and then I said, "Hey, fine," and then I ran away.
Yeah, Mom, I'm gonna stay here.
Emily, it is just a matter of time before your father lets you down.
He's not a good man.
I made muffins! - Mmm-hmm.
Mmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.
- See? [SNIFFING] [GRUNTS] Uncle Jim, you have to smell this.
It's amazing.
[SNIFFS] Smells like purple.
- Mmm-hmm.
[CHUCKLES] - [CHUCKLES] So this protest is gonna get us on the news.
And no taco chain wants that kind of bad press, so they will have to pay us.
And then, bam! It's on to phase two.
Patrick, are you almost done? Uh, yeah, just finished.
- Who's that supposed to be? - It's you.
- It's me.
- That looks nothing like you.
It's, um It's Miranda.
That's supposed to be me? - Ugh.
- Ugh.
Oh, uh, looks really good.
[GAGS] [STUTTERS] Maybe I should just start over.
I'm No, do not start over.
Please don't make any more signs.
Actually, you can help me with this.
Roadie, get on over here.
All right.
I'm just gonna put this on.
[GRUNTS AND SNIFFLES] Can you zip up my slit? Uh, sure.
[GULPS] [STAMMERS] How does it look? It's perfect.
[KELLY] Ah, yes.
That's one of my favorites, too.
Can I offer you some Pinot from the rolling hills of Santa Ynez with a [SNIFFS] hint of oak and wet stones? - I don't drink.
- Are you sure? It's very expensive.
Well, I need to let this one cool down.
The bottle's been in my trunk all day.
Kelly, can we talk? Actually, I wanted to talk to you about some things, too.
For instance, I never got my alimony check last month.
Technically, I don't think you can call it alimony if we're still married.
Bethany, so like you.
Always getting caught up in the details and missing the big picture.
A divorce would really mess up my taxes.
Why are you so interested in Emily all of a sudden? Because she's cool now.
When I left, she was annoying.
She was a baby.
I know.
But she grew out of that.
Who knew? There's something special about her now.
In fact, she reminds me a lot of me.
Listen, I don't know what your angle is here, but I want to make something very clear.
Emily is my daughter, she's my family.
And I'm not gonna leave here without her.
Do you understand that? - [LAUGHS] Yeah.
- What? I've never seen you act like that before.
So assertive.
Oh, no.
Come on, Bethany.
What happened to us? We used to have something really good together.
You left me.
Bethany, you know I used to be in a bad place.
I had a wife that was a total nag, a daughter who would never shut up and an annoying baby.
But now I've changed.
I now sleep on bed sheets with a very high thread count.
I invest in sexy, expensive paintings.
I found a tailor that I really like.
I know how important that was for you.
But the point is, with all those things considered, I am ready to be a dad.
And besides, you have the other daughter.
So why are you being so selfish? [JIM AND MIRANDA] Public enemy number one equals taco! Oh, this is so boring.
How much longer till the news gets here? Miranda, we've gone in a circle once.
Maybe if we do another lap.
- Okay.
- Fine.
[JIM AND MIRANDA] Public enemy number one equals taco! Great idea, Patrick.
That didn't work at all.
- I give up.
- What's this all about? - This place didn't recognize me.
- [JIM] That's right.
They didn't give her the recognition that she deserves.
Without her dedication and hard work, this company would be nowhere.
They used her, they gave her nothing and they kicked her to the curb.
All so some guy in a suit could take all the credit? No! Not my niece! Whoa, that's not right.
You've got workplace discrimination, pay inequity, wrongful termination - And zero condomsation.
- Zero condomsation.
Well, don't worry.
I'm with you.
We're not gonna let them push you around anymore.
They didn't push me around, they pushed my niece around, but yes! - [MIRANDA] Move! - [GRUNTS] [LAUGHING] Oh, there you guys are.
Hey! I was just thinking of a conversation I was gonna have with Miranda at home.
Yeah, 'cause I stand up to her.
All the time, I stand up to her.
She'd say something like, "I'm gonna do something annoying to Emily.
" And then I'd say, "No way, Jose.
" Her name is Miranda, not Jose.
Jos It's an expression.
It doesn't make sense.
Mom, I told you.
I'm having fun with Dad.
Today's lesson, using the ancient art of hot water to soften noodles.
Well, that's perfect.
Because I have a ancient art of making my famous spaghetti recipe.
- Yeah.
You're gonna love it.
- [CLICKS TONGUE] All right.
Well, I already have a marinara sauce simmering.
That is the first ingredient.
I didn't know you had a famous spaghetti sauce.
Well, there are a lot of things you don't know about me.
For instance - I don't use the Lord's name in vain.
- I knew that.
Well, did you know that I abused diet pills through my 20s? - What? - See? I'm full of surprises.
They didn't work, the diet pills.
[SHUDDERS] Uh I'd like to make a toast.
To Emily, my daughter and a great artist.
Oh, I don't know about that.
Oh, no, it's true.
We had a paternity test done.
Now, Emily, I've seen a lot of great art in my day.
All varieties, sexy, non-sexy.
And I know you've got what it takes.
But you gotta get your stuff out there.
You get into a real art gallery.
- Really? - Absolutely.
I have connections all over the place.
I can get you into one.
You just tell me when.
Thank you.
Or maybe you'd like to show your art with some of my connections? Like the grocery store.
There is this famous Realtor and he's on all of the bus benches.
He comes in sometimes.
Maybe he would buy one.
Thanks, Mom.
Well, what can I say? I know famous Realtors.
Oh, so what does everyone think? It's good, right? It tastes pretty good.
- Mom? - Huh? What's in this? Hmm? Oh Just, you know [EMILY] Is this plastic? No, honey, a chef never reveals her secrets.
It's, um It's just so authentic.
It's really authentic.
It's authentically bad, Bethany.
Excuse me.
Here come the waterworks.
[SIGHS] Okay, everybody, listen up.
This brave young woman is the reason we're here today.
She was being treated unfairly and she decided to take a stand.
- [PROTESTERS] Yeah! - [MIRANDA] Yeah! No one was paying attention to me so I had to wear this stupid thing.
Society ignores women unless they make a spectacle of themselves.
- [ALL CHEERING] - Miranda! If I didn't do this, no one would hear me sing.
The first thing they do is take away a woman's voice! Am I right? [ALL CHEERING] Yeah! And my video was really good, and the taco covered my knees! Yeah.
The taco covered her knees! The taco covered her knees! Equal rights, equal pay, - corporate greed must stop today! - Why are you screaming? - Equal rights, equal pay - You're so annoying.
- corporate greed must stop today! - Miranda, this is amazing.
Look at all these people you're inspiring.
So, who cares? I wanna get paid.
This isn't working, Uncle Jim.
I told you, Miranda, once the news gets here, we'll get our money.
We just need to up our game.
I mean, where's the fire? Where's the looting? What kind of riot is this? - [PROTESTERS CHANTING] - I got an idea! corporate greed must stop today! Equal rights, equal pay, corporate greed must stop today! Equal rights, equal pay, corporate greed must stop This burning garbage can must represent the irrepressible fire within all of us! We have burning trash in us! We have burning trash in us! We have burning trash in us! [WATCH BEEPS] [SIGHS] Mom? - Are you leaving? - Yeah, I think it's time.
Plus, I need to be somewhere private when I pass all of this plastic.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Maybe your dad has changed.
If this is really where you wanna be, I don't wanna stand in your way.
Thank you.
I love you, Emily.
- What? - What? - Why did you say that? - I don't know.
You don't usually say that.
You know what? I don't know.
I'm sorry.
I just Just forget it.
Something's wrong, isn't it? Come on! Out the way! Out the way.
Thank you.
It's time to take this riot to the next level! Everyone, let's burn this place to the ground! No, this isn't a riot, this is a peaceful protest! [MIRANDA] No, your way is taking too long! Everybody, let's light this place on fire so I can get on the news and become a legend! Wait, did you even work here? Ew! I'd never work at a fast food place.
You heard her.
Grab your ski mask! It's time for the ski masks! All right, ready? One, two, three.
Where are you going? - Don't go! - You're on your own.
Come back! Come back! It covered her knees! It covered her knees! Keep chanting.
It covered her knees! No, wait! The news isn't here yet! We have to wait for the news so I can get the money! Uncle Jim! Patrick! Please stop them! The news isn't here yet! Excuse me, sir.
Please, if you would not put out this fire I really need to get on the news so if you could please stop What do we do? What do we do? [JIM] Turn the water off, Patrick! Don't put it out.
I need to get on the news, I need to go to Broadway.
Please, no! Please, no! Don't! Stop! Stop! The fire! Stop! I'm not [SCREAMS] [HORN HONKS] [PASSERBY] Taco! So she has kidney problems, huh? - And it's not like her other - No.
No, it's it's real.
You're a good person, Emily.
You got that from me.
All right, Dad.
I'll call you when I'm ready for that gallery show.
Well, like the Tibetan Buddhists, I don't believe in goodbyes.
So, instead, let me leave you with a small token of our time together.
It's a mahogany handle, nickel alloy ferrule.
The bristles are made of Carpathian boar hairs.
It's only been used to apply the finest of barbecue sauce.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh, my God.
This won't be so bad.
I will ask Jim to fix the van, I'll ask Miranda to clean off the tables Don't worry about it, Mom.
We can just go back to the way things were.
- Where were you, Bethany? - I'll have you know that Emily and I Boring! What's for dinner? Miranda.
Miranda! Miranda, I have something to say.
The way you treat me is wrong.
And I am not gonna let it happen anymore.
Not to me or anyone else.
'Cause it is not fair! It's not okay! You can't treat people like that! It's not all about you! It is time for you to grow up.
Do I make myself clear? [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]