Haters Back Off (2016) s02e08 Episode Script

broadway or buts

1 I'm really excited about my performance tonight, so I thought I'd give you guys a few tips on if you ever visit New York City.
So, first of all, if you ever want to go somewhere you have to take something called a cab.
So, how you get a cab to come to you is you stand on the street and you wave your hands.
So, example.
So, if I saw a cab, I'd be, like, "Hey.
" Like that.
And then the cab would come, so Also, that is the Empire State Building or something, so That's where everyone in New York City works, so All right, well, I hope if anyone who lives here can Will Can come to my show tonight, so 'Kay, bye.
- You're supposed to say, "Cut.
" - What? You didn't say, "Cut.
" How am I supposed to know it's over? Cut.
[SIGHS] All right, so now you just upload it.
You don't want to reshoot it or anything? [SCOFFS] Why? You didn't complete any of your sentences.
Well, yes, I So I don't.
What? [SIGHS] This is so exciting.
We made it to New York City! Yeah.
We made it.
I can't believe this is happening! I can't believe this is happening.
Bethany, I know it seems bad, but look on the bright side.
Miranda's off on her New York adventure.
Because Kelly kidnapped her! Kelly didn't kidnap her.
He just He just He just took her without asking.
I can't believe you're still defending him.
He took our rent money! Bethany, you know how I feel about you.
But all this talk about bills is just stressing me out.
If we don't pay by Friday, they're going to kick us out.
And then what if Miranda comes home but we're not here? It's time.
- Jim? - [OBJECTS CLATTER] Jim! - Jim, Jim, what are you doing? [SCREAMS] - [YELLS] I hid emergency money in the walls of the house! We're going to be fine! [CONTINUES YELLING] [THUDDING] - [BETHANY] What are you doing? - [JIM YELLING] [YELLING AND THUDDING CONTINUE] Jim! Stop it! Sorry, Bethany, I'll never stop helping you.
No matter how many times you ask.
Oh! Emily! Here! Start in that section over here.
We're looking for a duffel bag filled with unmarked bills and a small pile of gold bullion wrapped in a western handkerchief.
Go! [YELLS] [JIM DISTORTED] Don't worry, Bethany.
I'm a hero.
- [THUD] - Jim! Jim, I wanted our deposit back! [JIM] You'll get the deposit back.
You'll get more than the deposit back! [BETHANY] Oh! Oh! [CRYING] [SNIFFLING AND GASPING] Oh, wait.
It wasn't this house.
There's no money in the walls of this house.
I got confused on what house I was in.
My bad.
My bad, everybody.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING] [MIRANDA] Wow! You were invited to perform here? This is even better than I thought.
- Miranda Sings! You came! - Yeah.
Sam Crusoe.
So glad to finally meet you.
Tits a pleasure.
And I'm the father and legal guardian.
Name's Kelly.
Delightful! You are fabulous! I've been showing your videos to everybody.
[IMITATES MIRANDA VOCALIZING] What are you doing? That was weird.
Well, where's my dressing room? I need to warm up my voice.
I'm sorry.
You want to perform? - Yeah.
- Of course she does.
Well, unfortunately, that's not going to be possible.
[GASPING] What? Dad? [CHUCKLES] Okay.
I think he's giving us some of that classic negative New York attitude.
He's really giving us the authentic experience here.
- [MIRANDA CHUCKLES] - Sammy, let's talk shop in private.
Wait a second.
You invite her all the way up here, but you're not gonna put her up on stage? No, no.
My e-mail was more of an open invitation to come and see the show, not actually be a part of it.
I'd love for you to come tonight.
She seems like a lovely young lady.
[BELCHES AND SIGHS] But tonight's show is really for the Broadway elite to blow off a little steam.
They come, perform a couple tunes, schmooze with agents.
Sure you understand.
Yeah, well, we'll definitely want those tickets.
There we go.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] You know, I've always wanted to come to one of these, but - I never had anyone to go with.
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah, well, Armor-Geddon really does know how to throw a rager.
- Hear, hear.
- [CHUCKLES] - So fun.
- [GIGGLES] [CHOMPING LOUDLY] Miss, there's no outside food or drink allowed in the Birdland Theater.
- [MUFFLED] Here you go.
- Thank you.
- Mmm-hmm.
- And here she is.
- [MIRANDA CHUCKLES] - Miranda, this is Brian Maxwell, the lead agent over at Maxwell and Markwalter's, so maybe you want to tell him a little bit about yourself.
[COUGHING] Just a second.
[EXHALES] Ever heard of a triple threat? Actor, singer, dancer.
Well, sure, all good actors Well, you're not going to get it from me! 'Cause I am a five-threat.
Actor, singer, dancer, model, magician.
So Super.
Also, I can eat a corn dog without hardly any chewing.
Anyway Uh, I got Yep, someone I know motioning for me, so I'm just I'm gonna, you know Thank you, sir.
- That was a great connection.
See? - Yeah.
Let me find another target, and I'm back in.
[CHUCKLES] So exciting.
[SIGHS] I know you're hurting, but I promise you everything is going to be okay.
Miranda will come home.
What? I don't care about Miranda.
Dad left.
I know that's very embarrassing for you.
And I hate to say, "I told you so," Emily [WHISPERS] but I told you so.
Okay! Okay, I made a mistake.
But can you blame me? He took advantage of the fact that I don't know what it feels like to be in a family! Oh, sweetie.
[SIGHS] Sweetie.
Do you know what I do when I'm sad? I like to go lay in Miranda's bed.
Do you want to go lay with me in her bed? No? Okay.
I'll go lay by myself.
[THUDDING] I'm just gonna shut this while you do that.
My goodness.
We are having so much fun tonight.
[CHUCKLES] We've seen Patti LuPone, Liza Minnelli, Neil Patrick Harris but I have one last surprise.
I actually can't believe that this person is with us this evening.
- Ladies and gentlemen - [MOUTHS] It's me.
this is such a treat and a real honor.
Won't you please put your hands together for Frankie James Grande! - [ALL APPLAUDING AND CHEERING] - [SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING] Who the heck is that? Did he skip me? I made so many great contacts tonight.
Agent with gray hair, manager with brown hair, hot chick with wonky eye.
I was walking along Minding my business This guy can't even sing! I'm going to be able to set you up some meetings later this week, I bet.
I really think you gotta start dressing a little less modestly if we're gonna I was humming a tune Soaking up sunshine When out of that orange colored hue Wham! Bam! Alakazaam! Okay.
Excuse me! Excuse me! Stop, please.
There's been a misunderstanding.
See, I'm supposed to be on stage here tonight, and for some reason, you're on stage.
So, I was thinking you could just leave, and then I could stay and sing, and then everyone will be happy.
So I'm in the middle of a song.
Yes, I heard you, and it wasn't good.
But I am.
Listen, Frankie, I don't think you understand.
There are two different types of voices.
A good voice and a bad voice.
I have a good voice.
You don't.
So, for example, a good voice would be [VOCALIZES] You try.
- [VOCALIZES] - See? Don't have it.
- [SCOFFS] All bad.
- [ALL CHUCKLE] - [BELCHES] That is a burp voice.
- What's What's [LAUGHS] - You probably don't have that either.
- Okay.
Lucky for you, there's a technique that popular singers are using nowadays to sound incredible.
All the celebrities use it.
- It is called lip-synching.
- Okay.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - So what you're going to do is lip-synch to a really incredible voice.
It is myself.
- [LAUGHTER] - Why didn't you tell me? Okay, I get it.
She's not all five threats, all right? No, no, no.
Why didn't you tell me that she is a comedy act? Alakazaam! Okay, stop.
You are shimmying way too much.
That is completely porn dancing, and it's disgusting.
So do not look at his chesticles, everybody.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - I guess she's kind of [STAMMERS] Are you hearing this? I mean, she could be the next Andy Kaufman.
Andy Kaufman.
Why don't you come by my office this week, and, uh, let's figure something out? All right.
[CHUCKLES] - Genius.
[MIRANDA] Flash! Bam! Alakazaam! Wonderful you came by See? How much better does he sound, ladies and gentlemen? - Yes.
- Okay, what is your name? - I'm Miranda Sings.
- Ladies and gentlemen, - please give it up for Miranda Sings! - [CHEERING] Thank you! [INDISTINCT CLAMORING] [MAN] Miranda.
Miranda! I represent some of the biggest stars on Broadway.
We need to talk to you about getting on some talk shows.
- Okay.
- Oh, my God! That was so great! Listen, I'm directing a benefit with the cast of Mamma Mia.
You have to come perform with us.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Miranda, they ate you up! You were wonderful! Please come back any time you want.
I will give you your very own show.
- [GASPS] - We'll talk later, my friend.
Sweetie, you did great out there.
You made your father proud! [CHUCKLES] This is my daughter! [TYPING] - [JIM] This is our future.
- What? A tiny A-frame cottage in beautiful Alaska.
The climate is so unforgiving, they pay you to live there! I'm not moving to Alaska, Jim.
But, Bethany, it's the solution to all our problems.
Oh, my goodness.
[JIM] "Miranda Sings takes Broadway by storm.
" [CHUCKLES SOFTLY] She did it.
Without me.
[SIGHS] Well, that's [SIGHS] It's all the more reason to go to Alaska.
What are you talking about? My daughter is gone, Jim.
Well, we can make more daughters.
Jim, you pushed her into doing this! I was happy doing plays in the backyard! If it weren't for you, none of this would've happened! [CHUCKLES] Well, I can't take all the credit.
That That wouldn't be fair to Kelly.
- Kelly? - Mmm-hmm.
He's a horrible person! How dare you say that about Kelly? [STAMMERS] Emily! You have no beef with Kelly, right? [BETHANY] She is upset with Kelly because he ran off to New York.
[JIM] Emily, tell your mother how happy you are that your sister finally made it big.
[BETHANY] Emily! Tell your uncle that I don't want to talk to him about this anymore - because he can't get it through his - [BETHANY AND JIM EXCLAIM] [KNOCKING AT DOOR] - Hey.
- Hey.
Oh! Popcorn.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] I like your shirt.
Oh! Thank you.
[CHUCKLES] So what are we watching? The Dragon's Slumber.
I haven't seen that one yet.
[MUMBLES] I really like your shirt.
What What's wrong? Nothing.
Could you, maybe, um tilt your head a little? Like, there? Yeah.
May I? [STAMMERS] Oh, okay.
- I'm just going to button this top button.
- Okay.
Do you have any lipstick? Lipstick? Oh, my God.
What? Are you trying to make me look like Miranda? What? No.
- No, no That's not what I meant.
- Okay.
- That's Amanda - Just I have to go.
She loves talking about herself.
I am here with several famous YouTubers.
[SCOFFS] Did I really say that? Yes.
I did.
How is that a thing? Can you actually be famous from YouTube? Let's start with you.
You got popular from a free voice lesson video where you gave hilarious advice.
[CHUCKLING] How did you come up with this character? I mean What's your real name? Miranda.
Oh, right, right.
[LAUGHS] But who are you, really? I told you.
I'm Miranda.
That's your actual name? What? Are you calling me a liar? - [CHUCKLES] No.
No, I I - Huh? Miss Blondie.
You calling me a liar? What is she doing? I don't know, but it looks like everybody's enjoying themselves.
See? - What's your real name? How about that? - Let's move on to the next What's your real name? Is it really Kait, or are you lying? Who do we have over here? - [SOFTLY] Oh, my God.
- [KAIT] Let's talk about your videos.
This isn't an act, is it? That That's really her.
Your voice is so shrill.
[GROANS] I'm so bored.
This woman is so boring! - Can we get a new person to interview me? - Oh, man.
- Miranda! All right.
So, did you get me a record deal yet? Well, we have a lot of pots boiling.
Well, you better turn those off because I do not like soup.
[CHUCKLING] I think I speak for Miranda when we say that we are so excited about signing with you guys.
Well, then let's talk about the plan.
Yeah, right now, people are confused.
They like you, but they think that you're a smart, talented actress who's doing her best to make herself look dumb.
What? [BRIAN] So, here's what we'll do.
We play into it.
We hire an actress that looks like you to pretend that she made you up.
[SCOFFS] Then you just keep doing what you're doing, and we'll trick the world into believing it's genius.
Huh? Now, that is the whole package.
That is sellable.
And that is what we will sign you up for.
[LAUGHS] Yes! Pass! [SCOFFS] [LAUGHS] No, no, no, no, no.
We'll definitely do that.
What? No way! People like me being me.
Not me being another me being me.
- [SCOFFS] - Uh, no, they don't, Miranda.
People think you're a joke.
A joke? Look, any experienced agency will tell you the same thing.
No one will invest in Miranda Sings if she's just Miranda Sings.
I mean, look at you.
[VOICE BREAKING] I want to go home.
We're not going anywhere, Miranda.
You're doing this, and that's final.
We're definitely doing this.
- You're a idiot! - [STAMMERS] [CHUCKLING] Andy Kaufman! You said that.
Take one last look, ladies.
I'm sure going to miss this place.
But get ready for some wide, open spaces.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY] - [WIND BLOWING] It's a lot colder up here than I thought it would be.
Anyone want to join me by the heater? Hmm? It's fun by the heater.
Hey, guys.
It's me, Miranda.
So today, I'm gonna give you travel tips.
I am an expert on traveling 'cause I'm very famous, and I travel a lot, so Tip number one.
Always travel with a neck pillow.
So if you don't have one, they're really easy to make.
I highly recommend using bubble wrap, like this.
Stick it around your neck.
It's nice and squishy, and the best part, if you get bored, you can - [POPS] - you can pop the bubbles.
[CHUCKLES] Also, if you get hungry, you're gonna want snacks.
But they do not let snacks through security, so you have to hide them.
All right? So, I'll teach you how to do that.
So, here we go.
I today have beef jerky.
So, what you're going to do is you just take it, like so, hide it in your clothes, like this, and then, when you get hungry, you can just poke it out like this [GRUNTS SOFTLY] Delicious.
Just like that.
[SMACKING LIPS] So, final tip.
I know what you guys are thinking.
"Oh, Miranda, what if I don't have any money 'cause a idiot stole it all?" Not to worry, my little tots.
You just beg a rich and famous friend to pay for your flight for you.
So, I use Frankie Grande.
Highly recommend.
He might do it for you, too, so just ask him.
Those are my travel tips.
Hope you guys like my video.
I'm having lots of fun being rich and famous, so 'Kay, bye.
[TOILET FLUSHING] [WOMAN ON PA] Flight 27A to Seattle now boarding Gate 28.
Took you long enough.
What is this? Where is everybody? [INHALES DEEPLY] What's the matter with you, Miranda? I mean, seriously, do you even know what was going on at that agency? Those people had a plan.
They were gonna give you talent.
I have talent.
No, you don't.
It's nearly impossible to make you likable.
Yet, they figured out a way.
So this is what we're gonna do.
[SMACKS LIPS] We're gonna go back, you're going to apologize, and you're going to accept their offer.
I don't want to.
Oh Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
You don't want to.
[MOCK WHINING] "No, I don't want to.
I don't want to.
I'm a baby.
I do what I want.
" [YELLING] You don't want to? You don't want to? How dare you? How dare you drag me along with your stupid little plan, only to back out at the last moment when your pathetic little bratty self finally means something to me! Look around.
Look around, Miranda.
Do you see your family? Where are they? They're gone.
They left you.
Why? Because they don't want you.
- 'Cause you're the problem! - [WHIMPERING] You're the reason that I left in the first place! Why? Because you're pathetic.
Are you listening to me? You are worthless! [CRIES] [KELLY] There you go, crying in the closet like you always do.
You think you're invisible in there? Well, you're not.
- [BETHANY] Kelly! Stop! - [GASPS] - [EMILY] It's okay, Miranda.
- [BETHANY] It's okay.
All right.
There is clearly a misunderstanding here.
- Sorry, Kelly.
- Jim! Shut up, Bethany! You are so worthless.
Give me back my daughter.
[GRUNTING] [BREATHES SHAKILY] By the way, I sold your Fiero, and I got a horrible deal on it! - Now get out of this house this instant! - [DOOR OPENS] [GRUNTS] [GROANS] Okay.
But realize this.
If I leave now, I'm never coming back.
Just like last time! - [GASPS] - Are you okay? Where were you guys? [SNIFFLES] Oh, we got evicted, so we just moved upstairs.
Oh We have a upstairs? No, we have a crawl space attic.
[BICYCLE BELL RINGS] [CRIES] [SNIFFLING] I got snot on your shirt.
I can feel it.
What are you doing? I'm trying to blow a bubble, but I don't have any gum.
We can just pretend.
[BLOWS] - The usual? - [SNIFFLES] Obviously.
One Froze Toes, coming up.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV] Miranda, can you land on something? It's been 30 minutes.
Don't listen to her, Miranda.
Never settle.
Thank you, Uncle Jim.
You're such a good manager.
- [JAZZ THEME PLAYING ON TV] - [MIRANDA] Oh, hey, I know her.
She asked me a bunch of questions.
She's so annoying.
[KAIT ON TV] Today we get to meet the talented and hilarious actress who plays YouTube sensation Miranda Sings.
- Colleen Ballinger! - [AUDIENCE CHEERING] What the heck? Who the heck is that? [THEME MUSIC PLAYING]