Hawaii Five-O (1968) s02e13 Episode Script

The Joker's Wild, Man, Wild!

McGarrett.
Go ahead.
Steve, this is Dan.
I'm less than a mile from the fort.
Do you want me to take it? Proceed to fort, Danno.
I'll meet you.
Repeat.
I'll meet you at the fort.
- Over and out.
- Got it.
Over and out.
Major.
Danno.
What do we got? Strange thing.
Somebody just set fire to the Jeep and ran off.
- Just like that? - Yes, sir.
That's all.
We saw the Jeep burning, some civilian's hotfooting on the fence, but by the time we got here, he was gone.
- Any description? - Didn't really get a good look at him.
Che Fong is on his way from the lab.
Why? What reason? The Army assumes you'll be able to tell us that.
Oh, I appreciate the Army's confidence, major.
Doesn't make any sense.
Maybe it's not supposed to.
Stay on top of it, Danno.
I got a meeting with the governor in 15 minutes.
Right.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, sir.
Are you in charge here? Why? Have you got a statement to make? Oh, heavens, no.
I just drove by and saw all the excitement.
I thought I'd get a few pictures.
Much more interesting scenery in Hawaii.
It's the far-out shots that win the prizes, sergeant.
Mister will do.
Oh, excuse me.
I thought all policemen in plain clothes were sergeants.
Hey, sergeant? Scenery's where you find it.
I can't wait for litigation to start.
According to the man I need you, brothers.
How was your meeting with the governor? The end of a perfect day.
Anything new on the Army case? Yeah.
Jeep was burned by a Molotov cocktail.
Che Fong found the remains of the bottle with a set of prints.
We photofaxed a copy to Washington.
Got something here that may add to it.
Report from the Honolulu Police Department.
We're having an epidemic of fun and games.
Yeah.
"Police car stolen, found parked in an empty garage.
Rare royal palm tree sawed down sometime last night.
" Whatever happened to the good old days of overturned outhouses? It's a new day.
Anything for kicks.
Yeah, but what kind of kook gets turned on cutting down a 100-year-old tree? Well, maybe the same kind of kook who set fire to a Jeep.
Newspapers are picking up on it too.
They're playing up the comedy angle.
Yeah.
I know where we'll be standing when the custard pie gets thrown.
Last bottle, coming up.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Not too much for Billy boy.
They can't hold their liquor.
Pretty big talk, haole, for a man that can't hold his own woman.
Oh, now, Billy, that's not fair.
Craig and I were engaged back in Dallas.
- I think.
- Oh, you know we were.
That's right.
We were.
Till I tasted the pleasures of the island.
Back off, Jo Louise.
I guess my trouble is I love you both.
You're so different.
Like salt and pepper.
Day and night.
Craig hasn't lost.
Yet.
He hates to lose, don't you, Craig-y baby? Especially to a blackie.
Now, Craig, that's not fair.
Billy's not black.
He's sort of a What are you, Billy? Brown? Hawaiian, sweetness.
That's right.
He's Hawaiian sweetness.
We gonna play the game or socialize with the hired help? What? "Hired help"? I've been working for free so far.
Listen to me, boy.
Even if you won and she was crazy enough to marry you, her father would cut her off without any inheritance.
No, he wouldn't.
Because then his only child would cut him off.
He'll do what he always does, Craig: He'll just grumble a little bit then he'll give in.
You wanna play the game or not? All the way.
Okay, now, hide your eyes.
Hide your eyes.
Now let's see.
The Army installation puts Billy 20 points ahead.
Pick a card.
Any card.
I'll try the nine.
Bingo.
A hundred and fifty.
Sink a boat? That's crazy.
Well, only if you think the prize isn't worth it.
You can always pass, Craig-y baby.
It'll only cost you 150 points.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? Well, what's it gonna be? A little action or not? A little action.
You still dig the guy, don't you? Ask me when the game's over.
Oh, here he comes.
Hey, wait here, I need a picture.
And the police car was found parked in the garage here.
No pattern, no special area.
- What you got? - Got another one.
Someone opened the bilge in a boat at the Ala Wai Yacht Harbor.
Sunk it right at the dock.
- Any witnesses? - Lots of them.
Crowds.
Only after the boat got sunk.
- Wise guy.
- I better put it on the board.
Now, wait a minute, Danno.
Let's make sure it's him first.
Kono, get with Che Fong.
See if he can find any prints on the boat after it's raised.
Oh, boss.
It may not be important, but a young man at the dock said he saw a woman taking pictures of the boat while it sank.
A young, good-looking haole chick.
I think it's less Less nose.
Make her younger, more More innocent-looking.
Like this? No, I think I think you can still work on the nose.
It's too wide up here.
Yeah, that's it.
Now the jaw The jaw didn't seem to be as wide as this.
Can you fix that down here? Now Her hair should be a little longer.
Looks like, "All sweetness and light.
" Alice in Wonderland.
Yeah, we're getting there.
That's it.
I think you've got it.
Let me see.
Yeah, that's about it.
Okay.
"Scenery is where you find it.
" Danno.
Get a copy to every H.
P.
D.
Officer, bars, hotels, all the swinging joints.
- Thank you, Charlie.
Aloha.
- Bye.
Jenny? Ladies and gentlemen, the lolani Palace.
The only royal palace on American soil.
Built by King Kalakaua in 1882, this remnant of Hawaii's glittering golden past today houses offices of governor, attorney general and state police unit Five-0.
I don't know what you're talking about.
And suppose we move on to another subject, Miss Mailer.
You've been seen lately with several male companions.
- We'd like to know who they are.
- Male companions? Let me see.
Oh, yes, now I remember.
It must have been Steve and Paul.
- Do they have last names? - McQueen and Newman.
Nice work.
My daddy always said, "Go first class or stay home.
" Miss Mailer, let's get down to cases, shall we? Oh, now I like that.
It's so hairy-chested.
We've had some unusual crimes committed in Honolulu since yesterday morning.
One of them involved the destruction of government property.
That's a federal offense.
Really? Really.
The most recent was arson.
We think you're involved.
Oh, I can see the headlines now: "Gangland Moll Defies Police.
Island in Terror.
" Save it for your memoirs, honey.
My, what big teeth you have.
Okay, angel face.
Let's put it down on your level.
Now, I've got enough circumstantial evidence to cool you for at least 24 hours.
Now, that just might be enough time to shake your boyfriends out of the woodwork.
Once I've done that, somebody's gonna panic and point a finger.
Always happens that way.
And that's all I need to keep a swinger like you away from the action for a long, long time.
Do I get a blindfold and a last cigarette? You ever hear of Halawa? - It's a candy, isn't it? - It ain't sweet.
It's the state prison.
Yeah, Jenny? Mr.
Harlan Davis, the attorney.
He'd like to see you, boss.
It's about Miss Mailer.
Well, he knows the way in.
You know your way in.
- Harlan.
- Steve.
- Come in.
- Danny.
- Miss Mailer.
- Hello there, Harlan.
You come to head them off at the pass? Well, your father expresses his concern and affection and wants me to assure you that there's nothing to worry about.
Oh, darn it.
There never is.
Shall we dispense with the small talk and get right down to the nitty-gritty? Well, as you wish, Steve.
At the request of Miss Mailer's father, I've obtained a writ of habeas corpus for her immediate release.
Without even knowing the charges? Well, as far as I'm able to determine, there aren't any.
At least not any that would stick in court.
An innocent bystander just happens to be on the scene when some prank is committed.
Now, come on, Steve, don't you fellas have enough to keep you busy? We're working on it, Harlan.
We're working on it.
I suppose you realize that Miss Mailer's father is Royce Ellington Mailer, a very wealthy and influential man, friend of numerous important citizens both here and in Washington.
You left out his birthday, his shoe size and his personal fortune.
Yeah, so I did.
Well, Steve, would you care to specify a legal charge or may I take my client home? So far, she's all yours, but don't count on it lasting.
Miss Mailer.
Thank you, sergeant.
Oh, listen, it's been just Well, now, what did they used to say? - Peachy? - Yeah, peachy will do.
It's a living.
Well, we didn't have anything solid to hold her on.
I got something solid, Danno.
I got a gut feeling that daddy's little darling isn't through having fun yet.
- Kono? - Yes, Steve? Miss Mailer just left with her attorney.
Dog her.
I wanna know where she goes, what she does - and who's with her when she does it.
- Done.
Miss Mailer, the posted speed limit on this street is 35 miles per hour.
Now I know why Daddy hired you, Mr.
Davis.
You can read.
- Well, under the circumstances - Under the circumstances, I think you'd better hang on while I lose whoever's following us.
Please, Miss Mailer, this is dangerous.
No.
Calling Central Dispatch.
Five-0 calling Central Dispatch.
Hey, tote that barge.
How's it feel to walk in the front door of a place like this, huh? Like a hairless haole.
People think that the gods gave you some special gift - with the women, don't you? - Your women seem to think so.
I'd like to see you cut it without the pineapples and palm trees.
Yeah, but when it gets right down to the nitty-gritty, I don't need all that jazz.
I don't need it, because I'm a man.
The one who wins the game is the man.
And I'm winning.
You lost.
You lost a long time ago, haole.
Oh, you're arguing again? - I'm not hungry.
- Oh, baby, what's wrong? What's wrong is I'm not hungry.
I'm always hungry.
Come on, Craig.
Come and eat.
Honestly, can I help it if I love both of you? It's a terrible shame there can be only one winner.
But then, I'm only one girl.
Well, come on, Craig, I feel awful.
Eat something.
We're gonna sit here all day or play the game? Careful, Craig.
You're getting uptight.
Just impatient.
Come on, superboy, you're 130 points behind.
Easy enough to beat with one big card.
- The joker? - Pass.
I just wanna cripple the competition, not kill it.
- Give me the king.
- Big jump to the king.
Are you sure you can handle it? Up and over, baby.
Let's see what your bent head has come up with.
I should have a proof sheet for you by this afternoon, miss.
What's the name please? Parker.
Bonnie Parker.
What's the address? Waikiki Ocean Hotel.
There you are, Miss Parker.
Anytime after 3.
Thank you.
Do you have a back door? That man out there, he just won't leave me alone.
Don't worry.
You can go straight through there to the alley.
Men like you make a girl feel so safe.
Thank you.
- Steve? - Yeah.
Prints Che Fong got off that sunken sailboat.
Checked them all out.
There's one we can't account for.
What about a match with that print off the gasoline bomb? Zero.
Which means our man is careful, I guess or maybe there is more than one of them.
Yeah, maybe.
- Yeah, Jenny? - Kono on two.
Kono, what do you got? Just spotted the Mailer girl's car parked on Wailani Street.
- Did you see her? - No, she was in a camera shop.
She spotted me and ducked out the back door.
- The one in the shopping center? - Right.
Okay, stay there.
I'm on my way.
Hold the fort, Danno.
How would you like to earn this? - Mighty kind of you, friend.
- I said, earn it.
Of course, because it ain't It ain't that I'm against work.
That's for sure.
It's It's just that I got this delicate back condition.
I guess, I'll have to find somebody else that wants to make five bucks.
Wait a minute.
It ain't It ain't yard work, is it? I'm not very good at yard work.
No.
It's not yard work at all.
What's your name? Nobody down here got a name.
Okay.
Stumbles.
Are you sure that work ain't gonna be too hard now, will it? Easy.
It'll be over before you know it.
I got some engine trouble.
Why don't you crawl in there and get me some tools? Engine trouble? Well, hey.
You sure this thing's got an engine? Wait a minute.
What was all that anyway? Somebody's shooting at us? They got the left front tire.
Oh, no.
Hey, now wait a minute.
What kind of job do you got in mind for me, anyway, where I gotta ride in the trunk and get shot at? I told you you'd get paid.
Now, if you don't want the job No, no, no.
I said, I'd go along, now.
It's just that it was awful hot in here.
- Cramped too.
- You got your bottle, now bring a spare, will you? More to life than a bottle, you know.
Whatever you say.
You think because I drink a little that I don't have any feelings or something? Old man, I don't care about your feelings any more than you don't care about mine.
I care.
Maybe that's my trouble, I care too much.
Anyway, I'm I'm not that old.
You're not that old? You look like you've been dead for a hundred years.
Sure, you You're pretty young to be talking that way about - About death, huh? - That's right.
Pretty young.
But you're gonna help me, Stumbles.
You're gonna change a lot of things in my life.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You don't have to.
Just drink your wine and don't die for a while.
- Good picture, Steve.
- Yeah.
I'll send you one.
Framed and autographed.
Why, I had no idea the police were looking for Miss Parker.
She seemed so So nice.
Yeah, she's a real sweetheart.
I'll need the negatives.
We'll want to make our own blow-ups.
Of course.
But what about Miss Parker? We'll see that she gets some prints.
Thank you.
Lucrezia Borgia needs wheels, so Who? The lady needs wheels.
She's not stupid enough to come back for her own car.
Call Chin.
Ask him to check every car rental agency in town.
If she rents one, she'll have to identify herself with a driver's license.
Break liners.
Whole southwest territory.
Bender and Company.
Boy, people liked me.
They respected me too.
Past tense, old man.
You're a loser.
All you need is a bottle of wine.
Cheap wine.
You still breathing? Take this tire and get back in the trunk.
That's right.
Chin Ho Kelly.
Has a Jo Louise Mailer rented a car from you people? Oh, that's Mailer.
M-A-I-L-E-R.
She's 25.
Blond hair.
All right.
If she does come in, stall her.
Call Five-0 immediately.
Thanks.
McGarrett.
I'm Jo Louise's daddy.
Stopped off on my way to Manila.
Harlan Davis picked me up at the airport.
He tells me, that you've been giving Jo Louise a bad time.
He does, huh? He does.
And I don't like it.
Well, that worries me, Mr.
Mailer.
It truly does.
It should, McGarrett.
I'm a big man.
Yeah, so I've been told.
Now, would you like the truth? Your truth? Would you like to hear the truth? All right, now you just tell me what this is all about.
I don't know what it's all about.
Not yet.
But what I do know is that your daughter and her friends are involved in some kind of an insane game.
That's my Jo Louise.
She's a very high-spirited little old girl.
- Mischievous, you might say.
- Yeah.
Yeah, you might say.
Now, so far So far this is the toll.
And I have a feeling the game is not over yet.
What's all this come to in American money? - Give me a number.
Any number.
- No chance, big daddy.
No chance.
Not this time and not in this state.
Your daughter is in serious trouble.
Now you can help me help her before she gets in over her head.
It's up to you.
Fact of the matter is, I've never been able to do anything with Jo Louise, except pick up the checks.
Okay.
Now, I'm giving you an opportunity.
You get your lawyer off my back and you keep him off.
And don't try to pull any strings if I tag her.
You understand that? I don't know.
I've always stood behind her.
Well, now, I'm asking you to stand aside.
Before it's too late.
Just between you and me, McGarrett? Yeah.
Yeah, between you and me.
Yeah.
You know, I really hope you have better luck with Jo Louise than I've had.
Yeah, so do I.
- Baby, what happened? - Everything.
Black Beauty tripped and lost 300 points.
That's what you think, buddy.
Come on over here.
Wrong again, Craig-y baby.
Black Beauty's in the stretch.
- Him? - Him.
He's an old wino.
That's not kidnapping.
Well, it ain't babysitting, dum-dum.
He's right.
As long as the body's warm Are you warm? Come on.
This is how you win your games, huh? You can say that again, haole.
Okay, as long as we both know - how to play.
- Now, boys, don't fight.
Remember what somebody said: "All's fair in love and war.
" Besides, I think he's cute.
Hey.
Hey, how do you like to give me a big smile, grandpa? On your way, Stumbles.
On your way.
Straight down the road.
Game getting too rough for you? Are you kidding? I'm winning.
Get down the road.
Straight ahead down the road, Stumbles.
How am I doing for points so far, buddy? You're 270 ahead.
That tear you up? Where are the cards? Well, the king's gone.
Queen couldn't be worth more than 250.
That's not enough.
Then how about the joker? - The joker? - First class or stay home.
You could back out.
No chance.
He's crazy, but not that crazy.
Don't be too sure.
You've got him backed into a corner and there's only one way out.
- No, no, not the old man.
- Well, why not? He was good enough for you.
Stumbles.
Stumbles.
Leave here.
May I see your license? I want the truth this time, honey.
Oh, my, what pretty pictures! But I prefer sunsets.
Did you ever see a tropical sunset, sergeant? You're hooked this time, angel face.
That's what you call in my business, "hard evidence.
" - Pictures? - Pictures you took.
I can hold you on at least six assorted felony charges.
I wonder if you can? Unless there's a law against taking pictures in this state.
You and a couple of your friends have been playing some kind of sick game.
I wanna know the rules.
I still haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.
Maybe, this will jog your memory.
I'll level with you, brother.
You got big pilikia.
Big trouble.
You think the wahine is gonna help you? I can help myself, brother.
Steal car, 50 points.
Saw down tree, 75 points.
Hundred and twenty-five for burning a Jeep.
Hundred and fifty, sinking a boat.
Kidnapped, 300.
And the kill card: Joker, 500 points.
How far has the game gone, honey? Where's my attorney? I don't have anything to say until he gets here.
Steve.
Jackpot, Steve.
Billy Hona's prints match the set on the bottle.
- Good.
- Book him? No, no.
Not yet, Chin.
How fast can you get down to Miss Mailer's rented car? - Well, faster than she can.
- All right, I'll tell you what you do.
I don't think your boss likes me.
Hope it doesn't keep you up nights.
No.
It's just that Well, gosh, I hope it isn't anything personal.
No chance.
- You're free to go.
- What? Somebody bend the points on your little old badge? Can't win them all.
Listen, we've just got to stop meeting like this, sergeant.
We've got the pictures, cards.
What's this all about? This.
Notched just like the rest of them.
We've got one last chance to stop it.
Hey, you're You're a nice fella.
That That would have been a long walk home.
See, I got I got this real delicate back condition.
It keeps me kind of close to home, you know.
Where's home? Oh, mostly the Sunset Hotel whenever I can scrape up the price of a bed.
They have a swimming pool? Oh, no.
It ain't nothing fancy like that there.
- I bet you like to swim? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I just I just love to swim.
I just don't know how, that's all.
Well, drink up.
Drink up.
Wrong way.
Are you perchance going to the beach house? - That's right.
- Whatever for? I asked you a question and I want an answer.
Wait and you'll find out.
You're not gonna try to stop Craig, are you? If you do, you'll forfeit the game.
You're way behind, wahine.
I've already checked out.
Well, what's the matter with you? Don't you think, I'll keep my part of the bargain if you win? There's nothing to win.
You can't fool me, beach boy.
I smell sweet.
And so does my daddy's money.
And they come together.
No muss, no fuss.
Is it that old wino? Is that it? That's it.
Craig was right about you.
You don't have any ambition, any guts.
You're a born pineapple picker.
All you can do is sit in the sun.
You'll die sitting in the sun.
- Diminishing, huh? - Yeah.
Must be left.
Billy.
Billy, listen to me please.
I don't want Craig to win.
I don't want Craig.
He'll smother me.
Dallas will smother me.
Billy, I want you.
And that old wino isn't worth it.
He's half-dead already.
I'm alive, Billy, alive.
Billy, don't treat me like this.
Don't do this to me.
Please.
Please.
Please, Billy.
Please, Mr.
Howard.
Please, Mr.
Howard, don't kill me.
Don't kill me! Shut up.
Shut up.
Please shut up.
I'm telling you, you're too nice a fella to do this to me! Please.
What do you wanna do this to me for? Don't.
Please don't.
- No, no.
- On the board.
On the board.
Please, get on the board.
No, please.
Please don't.
- Don't make it so hard for me.
- Please.
No.
No.
No.
I can't swim.
No.
I gotta win.
I gotta win.
Please don't! Don't you do it, Craig-y baby.
- No, no.
Please.
Don't Don't Don't make me do that.
The game's over.
That's all.
I wanna play it out all the way.
Drop the gun, Craig.
I drew the joker.
I haven't killed anyone yet.
- Because you can't.
- No such word.
If you could, you would have.
Give me the gun, Craig.
You're wrong, Billy boy.
Maybe I can't kill anyone I don't hate.
That doesn't include you.
- Craig.
- Keep out of this, Jo Louise.
No more grays.
This is the difference between black and white.
Game is over, Craig.
Don't push me.
The game isn't over until I win.
You've already won.
Take her.
She's yours.
Not till I say so.
Only one way to settle this.
Help.
Help.
Help.
Help.
Oh, no, Billy.
Oh, Billy, no.
No.
No.
You're under arrest.
I got a gun.
Don't make it any worse.
Jo Louise, get away from him.
Billy.
Make it easy on yourself.
Throw that gun out.
Where's the other one? Where'd he go? To the car.
Radio for help.
Jo Louise, get away from him.
Drop it.
Drop it.
- Is he really dead? - Yeah.
I can't believe it.
You'll believe it soon enough.
Danno, better get an ambulance over here.
Let's go.
Look.
I know how your game worked.
What's the prize? She was.
Jo Louise.
And you drew the joker, huh? A kill card? I drew it, but it wasn't supposed to be this way.
Oh? How was it supposed to be? It's just a game, a crazy game.
I should have stayed in Dallas.
Why is it you guys always say, "I should have"? It was It was a game.
Just a crazy game.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode