Hazbin Hotel (2024) s01e01 Episode Script


[Opening credit music]
[gentle music]
[Charlie] Once upon a time, there
was a glowing city protected by golden gates
known as Heaven.
[epic music]
It was ruled by beings
of pure light.
Angels that worshipped
good and shielded all from evil.
Lucifer was one
of these angels.
He was a dreamer with
fantastical ideas for all of creation.
But he was seen as
a troublemaker by the elders of Heaven.
For they felt his way of thinking
was dangerous to the order of their world.
So he watched as the angels
began to expand the universe in their ways.
From the dust of Earth,
they created Adam and Lilith.
Equals as the first of mankind,
but despite this,
Adam demanded control and
Lilith refused to submit to his will.
She fled the garden.
Drawn in by her fierce
Lucifer found her and the two
rebellious dreamers fell deeply in love.
Together, they wished to share
the magic of free will with humanity,
offering the fruit of knowledge to
Adam's new bride, Eve, who gladly accepted.
But this gift came with a
curse. [sinister music]
For with this single act of disobedience,
evil finally found its way into Earth.
With it, a new realm of
darkness and sin.
And the order Heaven had
worked to maintain was shattered.
As punishment for their
reckless act,
Heaven cast Lucifer and
his love into the dark pit he had created,
never allowing him to see the
good that came from humanity,
only the cruel and the wicked.
Ashamed, Lucifer lost
his will to dream.
But Lilith thrived,
empowering demon-kind with her voice
and her songs. And as the numbers of Hell grew,
so did its power.
Threatened by this,
Heaven made a truly heartless decision.
That every year,
they would send down an army,
an extermination to ensure Hell and
its sinners could never rise against them.
But Lilith's hope remained.
And her dream was passed down
to their precious daughter
the Princess of Hell.
[Charlie] Don't worry, Mom.
I'll make you proud.
[Vaggie] Charlie?
Augh! Oh, shit. Did you hear
all that?
Uh Yeah, I was right there.
Sorry. I get pretty worked up
after an extermination happens.
[distant gunfire and sirens]
This story helps.
[chuckles] I know. Don't worry.
I enjoy your theatrics.
Are you okay?
I'm fine, just thinking
ya know, family stuff.
Did you hear
from your mom yet?
[sullen music]
Oof. How long has it been now?
Not that long, only seven
Off doing something
important, I'm sure.
But this kingdom was something
she really cared about.
Something I care about.
Well, at least you aren't alone.
I just hope what
I'm trying to do here will work.
It will. I have faith in you.
All right. Come on.
Alastor says he has
something to show us.
[Bell tolls]
- [Static]
- [Alastor] Well, hello there you wayward sinner.
Do you like blood,
violence and depravity of a sexual nature?
Of course you do.
That's why you're in Hell!
[upbeat music]
But what would you say
there was a place to stay that
had none of that?
Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel,
a misguided path to redemption!
Founded five days ago by
Lucifer's delusional daughter
Charlotte Morningstar!
Come place your
fate in her inexperienced hands
as she tries to work through
her daddy issues by fixing you!
Here, we offer fun things!
Such as somewhat
functional staff!
And 24 hour Pest Control!
[Alastor] Custom rooms,
and just look at this tacky parlor!
Enjoy riveting conversation
with our singular resident.
Wow! All this and more at the
Hazbin Hotel!
Your last desperate
attempt at salvation starts here.
[video ends]
So, what'd ya' think?
I'm sorry, what the
fuck was that?
Uh, yeah, one note
Alastor, I mean
First off, thank you so much
for making this seriously amazing,
but um maybe the tone is a
We want people to want to come
this makes it look
[Vaggie] Bad. The word
you're looking for is bad.
Funny. I was going
for hilarious!
It didn't explain anything
about how we're trying to save
demons from extermination,
which is the whole fucking point.
Vaggie is right, Alastor.
The commercial was to let
Sinners know we are trying to help them.
Well, my dear, I haven't
been active in Hell for some time,
and everyone remembers me
from my radio show!
The proper medium to
express oneself!
But you insisted on this: noisy
picture box advertisement,
So I had a little fun with it.
Oh, fun. You had a little fun
with it?
Well, this is not what we want
to represent us.
When you showed up here a week
ago, you told us
you would help
run this hotel!
Instead, you're mocking us.
Nobody's going to want to
come to a place
that a powerful Overlord like
you thinks is a waste of time!
[sleazy music]
[Angel] If'n ya filmin' a
can I suggest you take
better advantage
of the talented
celebrity you have right here?
- Angel, you're a porn star.
- A famous porn star.
I'll have the horniest sinners
knockin' these walls down to get in.
We are not filming a
porn as a commercial.
Why not?
Sex sells, don't it?
I swear if you film me goin' at
it with mister fancy talk-creepy voice here,
you'd be rollin' in participants
willin' to stay at this tacky hotel.
Haha! Never going to happen!
Angel, I appreciate
you wanting to use your special skills
to, um, attract folks to
the hotel,
but I really don't want
to exploit you, in that way!
[sleazy music]
Oh, please, baby.
This body was made
to be exploited.
I got the arms,
I got the stamina, I got the legs.
I got the lung capacity
Oh-oh I got the legs,
- the gag reflex, the holes
- [Charlie laughs uncomfortably]
- the chest fluff everyone thinks are tits
- [phone rings]
[Charlie] Uhhh, hold that
thought. I'll be right back!
I could keep goin'
all night, baby.
- [phone continues ringing fanfare style]
- [Charlie sighs deeply]
Hello? Dad?
[inquisitive music]
Hey, I have a question.
If freaky face over there
is so powerful,
then why can't
he just make people stay here?
Oh, trust me,
[ominously] I can!
Why do you think I'm here?
[jazz music plays]
You actually think I'd be cleaning bottles
and listening to you fuck's bitch and
moan all the time if he wasn't forcin' me?
- [Niffty] I like being forced.
- Keep that to yourself, Niff.
What, you don't love being
here with me, Whiskers?
Call me "Whiskers" again and
I'll jam that bottle down your throat.
[jazz plays]
Kinky. C'mon keep talkin' dirty.
Ugh, Angel, let Husk do his job.
And no, we can't force sinners to stay here.
They need to choose to.
I'm choosing to be here,
and I think it's all stupid.
We're in Hell, Toots.
That's kind of the end of the
road, ain't it?
Well, maybe it doesn't
have to be.
Just because nobody has made it
out before
doesn't mean it's
not possible.
Hey, whatever means I can keep
crashin' here rent free.
Crack is expensive.
[excitedly] Yeah, I can totally.
Yeah, I'll head over there
right away
[phone beeps]
Hah! YES! YES!! Hahahaha!!
[music soars]
- [Charlie shouting] Vaggie! Holy shit!
- Ahh! What?!
[through closed mouth]
Get over here!
What's going on?
[Charlie excitedly] My dad
just called. He said that the leader
of the Angel Army
wants to meet.
- He asked if I could go instead.
- [Vaggie] But
[Charlie breathes deeply]
But But the extermination
just happened.
- What could they want this soon after
- [light ballad music starts]
I can do this.
Somehow, I know it ♪
I'll get Heaven
behind my plan ♪
- [Vaggie] Charlie, hold on.
- There's just no way I could blow it ♪
- Not this once in a lifetime chance ♪
- [Vaggie] It's just a meeting.
To change their minds
And touch their hearts ♪
Or whatever angels have ♪
[Vaggie] This could be bad.
Cheer up, Vaggie ♪
This could be swell ♪
Something tells me that today
Will be a happy day ♪
[Charlie] In Hell ♪
[Vaggie] Okay, but just
don't sing to them.
[Angel] That bitch is
halfway down the street.
- Is she
- Oh, she's dancin'.
Ugh, no.
[Upbeat musical style song]
There's a warm fuzzy feeling ♪
That wafts through the air ♪
Every street so revealing
It's hard not to stare ♪
It's a realm so appealing
It beats anywhere ♪
If you don't mind
The smell ♪
It's a happy day in Hell ♪
- Hi mister.
- [demon] Go fuck yourself.
[Dead Sinner #1] ♪
There's an endless trash fire ♪
That's burning my soul ♪
[Imp] Got a ton of barbed
wire To shove in his hole ♪
[Charlie] Uh, excuse me ♪-
[Executioner] Doing what is required ♪
We all have our role ♪
[Dead Sinner #2]
I'm not doing well ♪
Another shitty day in Hell ♪
[music soars] If I can show
Them the dream I've dreamed ♪
That any soul can change ♪
[Vaggie] Those angels
minds Are hard to change ♪
Then they will know Everyone can
be redeemed From the evil to the strange ♪
They're bloodthirsty and
deranged ♪
I can hear all their stories
The lost and displaced ♪
And I know
that They're more of an acquired taste ♪
But if I open the door
And I give them a place ♪
At my Hazbin Hotel ♪
[music soars]
It'll be a happy
day in Hell ♪
[jaunty music]
From the porn studio
Where the Cinephiles go ♪
To watch award winning
Demon bukkake shows ♪
To the cannibal town Where
they don't wear a frown 'cause ♪
Holy shit
Ew, my gosh, why ♪
And I don't give a crow that
His brains got in my eye ♪
Cause know I can spare them
From Heaven's genocide ♪
- I can do this ♪
- There's an endless trash fire ♪
- I just know it ♪
- [Sinner] That's burning my soul ♪
- I'll get Heaven behind my plans ♪
- [chorus] Ah ♪
There's just no way I
could blow it ♪
[Sinner] I kinda like
the barbed wire That's shoved in my hole ♪
Not this once in a
lifetime chance ♪
To change their minds ♪
[Trenchcoat Demon] ♪
And touch my parts ♪
Oh No, thank you.
I'm just gonna
Fulfill my destiny ♪
[Trenchcoat Demon]
Your loss bitch!
I can already tell ♪
[music crescendos] Today
is gonna be a Fucking happy day ♪
In Hell ♪
Hello! [echoes]
Hello? [echoes]
[atmospheric music]
[bell dings]
Oh, Okay. Also creepy.
[door whooshes open]
Uhh, hello?
Is anyone here?
- [Adam] 'Sup.
- Holy Shit!
Hi, I'm Charlie. My dad
asked me if I could meet you.
- Yeah, I know.
- Okay, well, it's nice to meet you.
Totally. Nice to meet you, too.
- [fizzes]
- [Charlie] Ohh!
Ha! I fucking got you.
Did you fuckin' see that?
- Good shit.
- [Charlie] Uh, so wait, you aren't here?
No, you think I'd come
down there? [laughs]
No. I mean, I love the vibe,
totally, I love your tunes.
Pretty fuckin' hardcore,
don't get me wrong.
But, it's such a bummer,
Everything down there's
just so "eugh" ya know?
[chuckles] Ew.
Right. So I'm happy
we got this opportunity to meet.
There's a project I've been working
on that I really want to talk to you about
Hey, hey, hey, slow down. We
got time. [chilled music]
How about we get to know
each other a little, mm?
How about some lunch?
You hungry?
I got you!
Here's my personal favourite.
You'll love it.
Uh, thanks!
[hologram fizzes]
I got you again, bitch!
Haha fuckin' hilarious! Haha!
[Vaggie] Okay, so Charlie is
dealing with something very important,
so while she's gone,
we are making a new commercial.
One that represents
her vision and what we're doing here.
So we need a camera. Alastor?
[fingers click]
A video camera.
All right, let's do this!
[camera whirrs into focus]
[Husk on TV]
" Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel
Can I help you with anything?"
[Angel] " I've been a bad boy.
And I need a big, strong daddy
to put me in my place
On the path to redemption."
- " Well, you come"
- [Angel] "Oh y es!"
"To the right place."
Okay, Angel,
I need you to be less horny, if
And Husk, can you maybe not
have a script in front of your face?
I ain't no act.
I can't memorize this shit.
Well, we could improv this shit.
Baby cakes. Rawrrr. [purrs seductively]
- [dryly] Whoops.
- [Vaggie] Husk, Come on.
[Adam] So I was playin' this
gig, and for some fuckin' reason
this virtue chick was diggin' on the drummer,
and it's like,
do you know who I am?
I'm fuckin' Adam.
I'm the original dick!
All dicks descend from me.
You think you want drummer
dick? No way,
I'm the Dick-fuckin'
[eats sloppily]
So anyway, then we fucked,
and it was awesome.
What'd you do this
Wait, your name is Adam?
Like the first man Adam?
That means you
That explains so much.
I know. I fucking rock.
Well, Adam, sir. Mr. Adam, sir.
Call me Dickmaster.
[gentle music] Adam, you seem like a smart
well, stand up guy.
[sucking noises]
And I know you
are the leader of the angels.
And you are a big thinker,
a revolutionary, a a genius!
I mean, your words, babe.
Who would really love
to put his name on something.
[rock guitar plays] Fucking
love putting my name on shit.
Shit's the best.
It's a solution to our biggest
[music stops abruptly]
Oh, herpes.
Yeah, that's a bitch.
No! Our other biggest problem.
Oh, uh ugly people?
[ Adam] Global warming?
Nah, wait that's Earth's problem.
[Adam] Umm
[scuttling] [Niffty] Hehehe. Stab. Stab. Stab.
[Vaggie] Alright Niffty.
Niffty? Niffty!
[gentle music] Your line is
"We have the cleanest rooms."
- Okay?
- Got it. I'm ready.
[camera beeps]
[hypnotic tone]
Uhh Cut.
[camera beeps]
How was that?
Well Niffty, you actually have
to say the line. So let's roll again.
- [Niffty] Okay.
- [Vaggie] Action.
[hypnotic tone]
- You're doing great, Vagina.
- Cut!
Alright, um, maybe we can try
to fix it in post.
[Angel] Do you even know
what that means?
I'll figure it out.
- [static on TV]
- [Husk on TV] Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel.
[Vaggie groans]
- [melancholic music]
- [Vaggie groans]
[Alastor] Seems like you're
having a bit of trouble there, hm?
Ugh, este pendejo Why are you
even here?
For the entertainment!
I came here because I love
seeing wasteful souls
struggle to accomplish
something meaningful and fail spectacularly.
Like you are doing now!
Good Job!
And here is Alastor,
[camera beeps]
the egocentric piece
of shit that
- [camera sparks]
- [Vaggie groans]
I wouldn't try that my dear.
This face was made for radio!
[tense music]
[Vaggie] That's it!
I don't care who
or what you are.
If you are staying here,
you are going to make this work.
Because it won't be so
to watch over an
empty hotel will it, shitass?
Fair enough. I'll tell you what!
- Let's make a deal.
- Pft!
Do you think I'm that stupid?
Making a deal with a demon like you.
Not for your soul,
just a simple deal.
I do this for you, and you never
ask me to engage
with this frivolous television
technology ever again.
Or Charlie can come
back to absolutely nothing!
your choice.
[Vaggie sighs]
[ominous music]
[camera crackles]
[haunting music]
Now then.
[grand music swells]
Alright, everyone! Let's make a
fucking commercial.
[Adam] When you take her out
for the fifth time
and she still expects you to pay
the check, but you're like,
[high pitched voice]
"Hey I thought you wanted equality"
[Vaggie frustrated] No!
Our shared problem of
overpopulation in Hell.
Ohh! Well, that's not a problem!
We got that covered.
Lute, how many
demons did you kill this year?
Got a good 275 this year, sir.
Whoa, Badass!
Awesome job, danger
tits! Pound it.
Uh, no, not awesome.
Those are my people,
you know that, right?
Ohhh, yeah
That must suck for you.
But these are souls.
Human souls, just the same as
the ones you have up in Heaven.
They are not the same.
They had their chance and
they earned damnation.
You're wrong.
Sinners made mistakes, sure,
but everyone makes mistakes.
Angels don't make mistakes.
You really think that?
I know that.
Yeah, I've never made a mistake
in my fuckin' life
[sinister music] [Lute]
The only reason you're still here
is because Daddy gave you
and your Hellborn-kind
a pardon from an exorcist blade.
How does that feel?
To know how little you matter.
Oops, almost out of time.
Guess we should get into it
Oh! Fuck!
[upbeat music]
I've got a lot to get through.
and not a lot of time.
and I feel like you weren't really hearing
me before, so here it goes.[clears throat]
[frantic singing]
I know Hell's population ♪
Is out of control ♪
It's a bad situation ♪
It's taking a toll ♪
If we rehab these sinners ♪
And cleanse all their souls ♪
At my Hazbin Hotel ♪
Wait, I'm getting ahead of
myself! Right! Extermination!
I know you guys fly down
Just to kill once a year ♪
And it must be annoying
To schlep all the way here ♪
If they join you in Heaven
That trip disappears ♪
you can wave
that chore farewell [deep breath]
It'll be a happy day in ♪
[Adam] Let me stop you right
Save us all precious time ♪
If what you're suggesting
Is letting them climb ♪
Up the ladder oh they'd
Rather cross the Pearly Gates ♪
Sorry, sweetie but there's no
Defyin' their fates ♪
'Cause Hell is forever
Whether you like it or not ♪
Had their chance to behave
Better now they boil in the pot ♪
'Cause the rules are black &
White There's no use in tryin' To fight it ♪
They're burnin' for their
Lives Until we kill 'em again ♪
[Charlie] Okay,
but-- - Let's just try to chillax babe ♪
- You're wasting your breath ♪
- [Charlie nervously] Hehe
Did I hear you imply ♪
That they don't
deserve death ♪
Are they winners,
Are they Sinners
'Cause it's cut and dry ♪
Well actually
if you take a look
Fair is fair, an eye for
an eye ♪
And when all's said and done
There's the question of fun ♪
And for those of us with
Divine ordainment ♪
Extermination is
Entertainment [music rocks]
Guitar solo, fuck yeah ♪
- [Adam sings guitar solo]
- [Charlie] Ugh
[music breaks down]
Hell is forever ♪
Whether you like it or not ♪
Had their chance to
behave better ♪
Now they boil in the pot ♪
'Cause the rules
Are black & white ♪
There's no use in tryin'
To fight it ♪
They're burnin' for their
Lives ♪
Until we kill 'em again ♪
[music builds]
Fuckin' Hell is forever ♪
And it's meant
To suck a lot ♪
So give up
Your dumb endeavor ♪
Cause you don't have a shot ♪
Long as I've got your Attention,
I guess I should Probably mention ♪
That we've made the
Determination ♪
- To move up the next Extermination ♪
- [Charlie] What!
Can't wait a whole year to
Slaughter those little cunts ♪
I know it's just been a week
But we'll be back in six months ♪
[rock guitar shreds]
Um, wait, didn't you
[guitar shredding continues]
[door closes]
Awh, shit!
[song ends]
[door closes]
[Vaggie] Charlie.
How did it go? Did they listen?
Oh, uh They sure did
hear it! But, um
Oh! Come here. We have
something exciting to show you!
[soft music]
Alastor pulled some strings,
and it's about to air.
I pulled a few limbs
too! Hahaha! [laughs]
Wait? The commercial?
You all made a new one?
Yeah, one of my better
performances, if I do say so myself.
That's that's amazing.
[Angel] Shush, it's starting!
[Vaggie on TV] Welcome
to the Hazbin Hot
[news theme]
[indistinct angry reactions]
Breaking news in Hell today!
We have just received word
from the Heaven Embassy
that the next extermination is
happening sooner than ever before.
- Do you know what that means Tom?
- No. what does that mean, Katie?
It means we are all
royally fucked.
[ sinners scream
and sirens blare]
[Angel] Wait What? Why?!
[dramatic music]
[Lute] We found the body, sir.
They've never managed
to kill one of us before.
We should just go
down there now and destroy them.
No, no. We can't risk
them catching on.
[sinister music] But
don't worry, when we come back,
there won't be a demon left
alive to pull a stunt like this again!
[light projector shatters]
[End credit music]
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