Hello Ladies s01e01 Episode Script


1 Hello, ladies.
My name is Stuart.
With me, my best mate Wade right there.
- Hi, Wayne.
- Wade.
Wade, yeah, as in Roe vs.
It's a famous case about a woman's right - to terminate her fetus.
- They know what it is.
There's no need to bring up abortion until we need to.
My wife just asked for a separation after 11 years.
Getting a bit ooh, it's getting a bit gloomy again, straightaway.
Maybe head to the bar? Get some drinks? - No, no, that's okay.
- No, that's not necessary.
Please, ladies, it's our pleasure.
Get to the bar, sir.
Off he goes.
One of the good guys.
Unfortunately, he's forgotten how to talk to beautiful women.
Uh, I, however, have not.
Good evening.
- Where are you guys from? - From here.
Can't do anything with that.
What about yourself? Seattle.
Seattle, I love Seattle.
You've spent time there? Never been, never been.
I just meant from films.
Um, "Sleepless in Seattle.
" Uh I'm thinking something with Denzel Washington? - I don't know.
- I don't know.
It's interesting, isn't it? 'Cause Seattle is actually the suicide capital of America.
I don't know if you know that.
No, I think you're wrong.
I think you're wrong, but let's find out.
Let's settle this once and for all.
Suicide Seattle.
- We have to get going.
- You're gonna go? Give me your number and I'll text you the answer.
I don't have a phone.
You don't have a phone? They're leaving? Yeah, they are leaving, mate, because, um because you brought up abortion and completely ruined the mood.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, well, that's what happens.
You know what? I'm not feeling it.
- I'm gonna go.
- Okay.
Hello, ladies.
Just a little boy lost looking for a lamb In the all-night city Living in a lonely limousine And though he never has to worry He's the only one and only one He's ever gonna need Absolutely, he's in definite need Of a woman child And some better kind of love When the hot town hurt him But he don't know if he can make it Between the money and another lonely night Now the time has come, got to stay or run Ooh, maybe we've been alone too long You don't want to be lonely Maybe we've been alone too long You don't want to be lonely Glenn! Glenn! Oh, here he is.
All right, what have you been doing, scrondelling my tenant, you absolute dog? Put it there, playa.
Is that chicken wings? You mind if I Yeah, help yourself.
You must be absolutely famished.
Do you know, I don't think I've ever had sex and not been hungry afterwards.
Even when I masturbate, I get a bit peckish.
So, Jessica told me to shower in here.
Her water pressure's still messed up.
Yeah, yeah.
Use everything you need.
There's all the facilities in there.
Got the moisturizers, the lotions.
- Run a bath if you want, mate.
- Cool.
- Don't want to be lonely - Don't wanna be lonely Don't want to be lonely Don't want to be lonely, lonely You don't want to be lonely Maybe, baby, gonna work it out Was I too loud earlier? What, having intercourse with Glenn? No, earlier.
You didn't hear me on my typewriter? - Workin' away? - No, I didn't, no.
You know, they have word processers now.
Yeah, it just feels more real.
I completely rewrote my entire web series.
- Wow, really? - Mm-hmm, yeah.
- It's still about globalization - Good.
but now it's about how it affects us all on a local level.
- By the way, little bone of contention.
- Mm-hmm.
Came in last night.
Front door unlocked.
Sliders here open.
Your sliders in your guesthouse open and unlocked.
- What's the story there? - Sorry.
I'm telling you this for your benefit.
I don't want to come home and find you murdered in your bed.
Right, well, thank you for the concern, but I had to learn jujitsu for a film role once, so I can defend myself.
Mm, sure.
Good luck defending yourself against some psychopathic murderer built like me You're 93 pounds.
If a murderer built like you tried to murder me, I could destroy you.
You don't think I could murder you? - No.
- Are you mad? I could fucking murder you, love.
Exactly how would you? What's the plan? - How would I murder you? - How would you do it? - You'd like the specifics of that, huh? - Yes, yeah, uh-huh.
I'd rent a place across the street.
I'd be scoping you out for weeks.
I'd sneak in, chloroform over the mouth, you're straight in the back of my van.
You're dead in a ditch by sunrise, and I'm home having breakfast with Mother.
She's none the wiser.
So, in this scenario, you live with your mother? No, she lives with me.
- Oh.
- And she locks the doors.
And she plays the bloody rent on time.
- Well - All right, she's quite a lady.
- Yeah, seems like it.
- Like you could learn something from her.
Stop it! Ah! Call Mother and tell her you won't be home for breakfast.
Oh, come on.
That's pathetic.
You're a child.
So, I'm gonna head out.
We should grab some dinner this week.
Uh, this week's a little crazy for me, but I'll text you when I come up for air.
- All right, see ya.
- See ya.
What? I didn't say anything.
I didn't say anything.
- I didn't - Okay.
Do you want to watch some more TV, or Yeah, yeah.
It's like I got this knot in my gut.
I just can't get her out of my head.
I keep waking up in the middle of the night expecting her to be there.
Yeah, yeah.
On my way to work the other day, I actually I just started crying.
Sorry, did you give me money for those waters? I've been thinking about it and I couldn't remember.
No, I didn't.
I thought as much.
Sorry, just a couple more 'cause it's Fiji.
It's the good stuff.
That's it, thank you.
Sorry, what were you saying? You were talking about crying or something? Yeah, yeah.
I was just saying I had to pull over and sob my eyes out.
Well, you're single now.
Look at this Los Angeles.
Yeah? World of opportunity.
You could be having sex with movie stars, if you wanted.
Yeah, right.
It's not like I can just go hop in bed with Sigourney Weaver.
- There'll be someone out there.
- I don't know.
I mean, the idea of making love to a stranger, that just seems empty to me.
Look, Daddy.
I got you a flower.
Aw, thank you, baby.
And one for you, Stuart.
Right, yeah, cheers.
I don't know if I can make it out here on my own.
- It seems so lonely.
- I'm not lonely.
- Really? - No.
You know, I always think about you eating alone at that Chinese buffet on Christmas Day.
Well, firstly, the food was delicious.
The service was impeccable 'cause there was no one else in there.
What did you do that was so amazing on Christmas? Hey, Cass, tell Stuart what we did on Christmas.
Mommy cooked the biggest turkey ever, and then we opened presents and played games.
Yeah, before you start giving it this, you weren't listening.
Two Chinese men made my lunch.
Hey, Cass, will you go pick me some more flowers? Yeah.
You know how this Friday's our anniversary? Yeah.
I'm gonna be in my hotel eating pizza on my bed.
No, you're not.
'Cause you know what's gonna happen on Friday? I'm gonna take you out, yeah? And you're gonna have a steak dinner, and there's gonna be fine wines, bowling, my treat, all right? The bowling.
Oh, there's bowling? You love the bowling.
We should go to Super Lanes.
We'll do the Lanes if you wanna do the Lanes.
- I'm excited.
- Good.
Rory? - Rory? Rory? - Oh.
I've just got an e-mail from Susan, and she doesn't want us to use Flash so I might need to get you to work the weekend, I'm afraid.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
You think you're gonna be sick? - I'm - Okay, Rory - Mm-hmm.
- If you just called me and said, "I'm sick," then I would think you were sick, but because you've said you might be sick, - Oh.
- I can already see that this is a plan - you've got to get off work.
- I'm sick.
- Well, you're not sick, are you? - I no.
If you're gonna lie to me, just phone and go, "I'm sick," but don't say, "I'm gonna be sick in about a week's time.
" So, I'm not gonna be sick.
Not this weekend.
I mean, possibly, but I think it's unlikely.
Right, that sounds better for me.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Do you hear that? It's women, it's women.
- That was really good.
- Okay.
Um, let's try it again, and this time, I want you to say the line and have a word in your mind as you say it.
And the word is - Friendship? - Betrayal.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
- I'm busy.
- Can you come into my office, please? Nope, I'm busy.
It's an emergency! Oh.
- Hi, Rory.
- Hi.
What's wrong? Uh, has Courtney said anything about me? Oh, come on.
We're in the middle of a rehearsal.
For a web series.
Who cares? Has she asked any questions? - No, why would she? - Keep your voice down.
Because, basically, when she was here before, I got talking with her and there was some laughter, there was a bit of a vibe.
- Ooh.
- There was no vibe.
She probably thinks there's something going on between you and me, which is why she hasn't said anything.
- Nobody thinks that.
- You'd be surprised.
Yeah, I'd be surprised and ashamed.
Don't laugh at that.
- Sorry.
- Okay, here's what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna come out there and when I do, just casually drop into the conversation, "Oh, do you know Stuart's working on some coding syntax that will make HTML look like fucking MS-DOS.
" Then her panties are gonna drop.
Silky and smooth like butter.
That's my guy.
Yeah, I'm not gonna say that.
Well, not the stuff about the panties, but Okay, we're working out there.
It is an emotionally complex scene, so some privacy would be nice.
All right, well, thanks again for your help, as always.
Yeah, yeah.
I know it's a lot of layers.
It's probably hard, but let's just go for it and see what comes out.
Carol, you may not be my best friend anymore, but you are still my goddamn vice president.
Wow, I'm hooked.
Courtney, good to see you.
- Hey, how's it going? - Good.
Thanks for letting us use your place.
Oh, please, my pleasure.
I love to support the arts.
And Jessica.
That's a nice hat and scarf.
- Yeah, it is.
- Mm-hmm.
- Um - Well, we're working here.
Don't want to interrupt.
Don't want to stop the creative process.
- Just thought I'd say hi.
- Hi.
All right.
Okay, let's just keep going.
We might be on the brink of a total economic collapse.
Um, sorry.
I just sorry, excuse me for one second.
- Yeah.
- Do you have a website? - No.
- Ah, that concerns me because I just think everyone should have a website if they're an actor or anyone in the creative arts.
I can help you out 'cause that's sort of what I do.
Web design Pff-hew.
Oh, okay, yeah.
So, if you need a web design job ever, or you need a website, just let me know and I can be your Spider-Man, your superhero.
All right.
- Yeah.
- No, let her - Shh.
Shut her up for a second.
- Okay.
Well, that would be great, actually.
I mean, my manager's been on me to get one.
Yeah, well, we should get together sometime and have a chat about it.
- Maybe not now, though.
- Actually, yeah, cool.
I mean, maybe Thursday morning? Mornings aren't great for me 'cause I'm normally at the gym.
- Um, but what about - Really? Yes, you what about Saturday night? I'm going out of town Saturday.
Can you do Friday night? Ugh, I have to go to this opening of this new club, Saboteur.
Oh, what a shame.
But if you're free, you should come down.
Oh, he can't get into clubs.
You have no evidence of that.
Yeah, I might swing by.
Spider-Man again.
Yeah, listen, as I said, didn't want to interrupt.
On you go.
- That's a cool drum.
- Yep.
Wade Bailey.
Hello, mate.
Listen, it's me.
Bit of bad news.
I don't think I can come out bowling on Friday.
Oh, no, really? Why not? My Aunt Barbara's really sick all of a sudden.
And I just need to hang by the phone, really, in case she calls or someone calls from the family with news.
What does she have? It's different.
It's a bunch of different things, mate.
It's she's basically rotting from the inside and we don't know what to do.
- Do you want me to come over? - Definitely not.
- This is Glenn.
- Hey, Glenn, it's Stuart.
How's it going, mate? Who? Stuart.
Pritchard? The very tall guy with the glasses.
Eh, I'm sorry, man.
I meet a lot of people.
Where do I know you from? Well, I'm Jessica's landlord.
- Oh, chicken wings! - Chicken wings, yeah.
- What's going on, buddy? - I was just wondering could you get me on the guest list for Saboteur Friday night? I'll see what I can do.
Thank you, sir.
You're a gentleman.
We should grab a beer sometime, just the two oh, he's gone.
- What he said, just not - Ow, bit of good news.
I'll see you Friday for a little do, do, do - Good.
- Yeah.
Hey, didn't you say you were gonna take your best friend Wade out on Friday? His friend's wife just left him after 11 years.
Their anniversary is on Friday.
- So sad, right? - That's so sad.
- Not really.
- Don't you think he should hang out - with his friend on Friday? - Yes, you should be there for your friends.
I mean, if we're not there for our friends, then who are we? Terrible people.
Yeah, I agree.
That's why I always put my friends first.
I put my friends first actually, I put my friends and family first, yeah, and then I put endangered species of all kinds.
Fish, fauna, everything of the sea.
And then I'm deeply concerned about homosexuals.
And then if I've got time to put anything else in the list, then I'll put just you know, just immigrants.
- Oh, okay.
- Mm, yeah.
So that's just me.
That's just the way I roll.
You know what? You should be with your friend.
Maybe we can hang out when I get back in town.
- When is that? - November.
I'll be right back.
Wade Bailey.
Hello, mate, listen.
Do you know what? I've been thinking, I'm not doing my aunt any good by moping around at home, all right? Plus, it's your anniversary.
I wanna take you out, take your mind off things.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
That really means a lot.
Thank you, Stuart.
No, you're welcome.
And you know what? Bowling is for lame-os.
You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna hit a nightclub, get you back on the horse.
I kind of had my heart set on bowling.
Okay, do you want to hang out or not? - Yeah.
- Right, okay, good.
Good news.
Wade's coming to the club.
- She left.
- Oh! She told me to tell you goodbye and that maybe she would see you at the club.
Yes, see? I told you there was a vibe, didn't I? Why were you cock-blocking me? Mm, because it's funny.
Here he is, looking good, - ready for the big night.
- Guess what? What? My sister saw Marion having coffee with some guy.
It's just could we just have one night where we don't talk about your failed marriage? It's not a failed marriage.
Sorry, your failing marriage.
Oh, you're right.
I could use a night off from thinking about her.
There you are.
And what a night it's gonna be.
Got two of these groin cloths, one for each of us.
Stuart, I don't know.
Come on, you never know.
You might get lucky, all right? Always be safe, yeah.
Hey, look at me.
You look fantastic.
It's your special night.
Enjoy yourself, right? Just give me a couple of bucks for gas.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Oh, we need to wait for Kives.
Oh, why'd you invite Kives? You know I hate Kives.
What are you doing? What, he was excited to come to the club.
Well, where is he? 'Cause I'm all set to go.
So if he's not here Here he is.
Oh, he's so slow.
- Hey, boys.
- See you Monday, Kives.
Have a great weekend, sweetie.
Man, I would so like to come on those tits.
Oh, Kives, you filthy troll.
So, Pritch, what have you been up to? Dating, mating, or masturbating? It's one of them and you don't know which.
Well, then, I have my answer.
- You don't have your answer.
- Yes, I do.
Why are you laughing? You gonna help me in the car or you want me to roll behind it? Why it's not even a joke.
When the shit goes down Ya better be ready When the shit goes down When the shit goes down Ya better be ready When the shit goes down When the shit goes down Ya better be ready When the shit goes down When the shit goes down Ya better be ready Ya better be ready.
Kives, this club is very exclusive, so don't embarrass me, all right? 'Cause everything you do reflects on me.
'Kay, thanks, guys.
Been to a club before, okay? It's also 20 bucks for gas.
Why don't you lick my asshole clean? It's just nonstop filth.
- They're all so young.
- Fresh meat.
- Hello.
- Kives, please.
Both of you just play it cool.
Come on.
I'm s what? What are you what? - Just - It's stuck.
Right, just pull it closed.
All right, okay, well, just get out of the car.
Just get out of the car.
Not that side.
We've just been through this.
Come this way.
- Just, uh - Ow.
What are you doing? What are you doing? Just - Get the chair.
- Okay.
- Can you help me out? - Okay.
All right.
All right.
- All right.
- Uh Why do you Heh.
Would you sorry, would you just there are the keys.
Just pick up the keys.
Your style is out of this world Let me take you to another place You hotter than a meteor When you touch down, they know your face Look at them VVS glow Shine like the stars in the sky Girl, I think you about to blow Let's go, we can only get high Now I wanna Mmm.
Smell that? I love the smell of poontang in the morning.
Hi, girls.
Excuse me one second.
Quick question dating, mating, or masturbating? A little of everything.
Of course.
That's a great answer.
Great answer, right? Can't get no hotter All right, now, listen.
There's a girl over there that I've got a bit of a vibe with, all right? So I'm just gonna go over there, weave my magic.
Just give me a little bit of room, yeah? Till we're soaring across the sky So take it higher Hello, ladies.
Across the sky - Oh, hi.
- Spider-Man! - How you doing? - Good.
Hi, I'm Stuart.
You guys look great.
Who are you wearing? Um, my friend's a designer.
She owns a boutique.
- She owns it? - Yeah.
Wow, that's amazing.
You have got to give me the address.
- Oh, okay.
- Please, please.
Pardon me, is this seat taken? Kidding.
I'm Kives.
Pleasure to meet me.
This is my friend Wade.
He's an animal.
Hey, guys.
So you actually saw Lindsay talking to Shawn? - Yeah, and Chelsea was there - Oh, my God.
making everything about herself, as usual.
Oh, classic Chelsea I imagine.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Uh, hey.
You guys want another drink? - Yes.
- Ladies, please, no.
I'm buying the drinks tonight, all right? - What are you drinking? - I'll take a vodka soda.
- Yeah.
- Vodka soda.
- Two of them.
- Make that three.
Three, all right.
Hey, guys.
More drinks? He's buying.
Yes! - Thanks.
- Yeah, not a problem.
Whisky rocks? Anyone else? I'll take a glass of champagne.
Will ya? I'll take an Absolut Limon with soda.
If not, I'll take a Grey Goose with soda and a lemon.
What beers do you have on tap here? I don't actually work here, mate.
Cam you find out? Sure.
You know what? I think I'll have a champagne, too.
Ooh, if we're doing champagne, let's just do a bottle.
- No need.
- That's a great idea.
Love it.
Lovely idea.
You can get me a bourbon neat.
You can fuck off.
Hey, come on.
Ah, don't worry about that.
No, he's a friend of mine.
- You weren't to know.
- And I think we should all do shots.
- Tequila? - Yeah! And make it Don Julio, none of that cheap shit.
Yeah, you can fuck you can good.
All right, thanks for that.
I'll make a note.
So, we get back from the cruise, I thought we had an amazing time, and then that's when she asks for a separation.
Do you want to see a picture of her? - Okay.
- Yeah? Yeah? Excuse me, sir? Ma'am? Can I just I've got quite a big drinks order here.
Oi, oi, there's a line.
People are waiting.
What's the did you see that? Did you see that? There's no what's the rules what's the rules in this place? Sit on my lap.
It's not a big deal.
Can't feel anything.
All right.
It's a miracle! I can feel again! How did you do that? I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
I'm harmless.
Or am I? I am, I am.
18 tequilas, 12 vodka tonics, and a bottle of your cheapest champagne, but pour it into an empty bottle of your most expensive champagne.
Take that, take that.
Drinks here.
Look at that.
All right? Drinks there for everyone.
- Did you get any waters? - No, I didn't get any waters, no.
I was too busy spending over $800 on alcohol.
Sorry about that.
Courtney, Courtney.
Your drink's down there with all the others that I just paid for.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Shall I squeeze in over there, or what shall I do? Shall I squeeze in over there? It's a little squished.
I could probably wedge in there.
- It's kinda tight.
- All right.
Shall I try, though, at least? I don't think you'll fit.
All right.
'Cause he could move.
Hey, can I I'm just gonna sit there.
Is that all right? - No, I'm saving it.
- No? Yeah, all right.
Enjoy your free drink.
Excuse me.
Coming through.
Courtney, what we laughing about? Just a stupid joke.
I love 'em.
Love jokes.
Do you Courtney, what are you doing at the moment? Are you, uh are you dating or What? Are you dating, mating, or masturbating? I can't understand you.
I said are you dating, mating, or masturbating? Dating, mating, or what? Masturbating! That's fine, that's fine.
Absolutely fine.
Don't worry, that's just they got people to clean all that.
Don't worry, though.
It's fine.
That's we should more drinks.
Anyone wanna change their order? No? Everyone's gonna stick I got it written down.
Courtney, we should shots! We should do more shots! - Is that a condom in his pocket? - Looks like it.
Don't worry about that.
Don't concern yourself.
I'm gonna go to the bar and then all right.
Hey, where's the party at? It's at Saboteur's on Friday nights! Yes, it is! I was there! Hey, uh, ahem.
Hey, Pritch, Amber doesn't have an elevator in her building.
Then she'd better talk to her landlord.
- What? - It's not my problem.
Come on, help me out.
Listen, she's Courtney's best friend, okay? I will tell her to put in a good word.
- Will you? - Yes, I promise.
- All right.
- Eh? Eh? Thank you, brother.
- Stop it, stop it.
- All right, all right.
- Oh, you all right? - I'm fine.
I'm good, I'm good.
Hey, thanks, Pritch.
I owe ya.
All right, mate.
So you'll put in a good word with Courtney? Who's Courtney? Oh, for fuck's sake.
- What a great night.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
- Glad you enjoyed it.
Guess what? I just danced near some beautiful girls.
See you soon, all right? Okay.
Sleep well, mate.
Glenn, how's it going, mate? Put it there, player.
Jessica texted me to come by, but she's not answering the door and her phone's off.
Do you wanna come in and wait? Put the TV on? Uh, thanks.
I'm gonna head to a party in Silverlake.
- I love parties in Silverlake.
- Yeah, they're great.
- See ya.
- Yeah, see ya.
Jesus Christ.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Really? Not hiding from Glenn? No.
'Cause you know he's lurking around outside looking for you.
Well, I don't care.
He can't just invite himself over here whenever he wants to have sex.
He said that you invited him over, though.
I did but then I changed my mind.
- Oh, you changed your mind.
- Yeah.
- Right, why? - Um, I don't know.
Ever heard of a little thing called self-respect? Or dignity? Dignity, of course.
Oh, my God.
He's just come back.
Sorry, no, it wasn't him.
It was actually your dignity disappearing into the night.
How'd it go with Courtney? - Did you talk to her? - No.
Really good, yeah.
Excellent, thanks for asking.
Is that after you fell off the barstool and smashed everyone's drinks? Fuck off.
I don't know what the rules are here.
If I ask a question, then you have to answer truthfully.
All right? That's the new rule.
Do you wanna watch some TV or something? Um I would, but I wanna wake up early and work on my web series.
- Good night.
- All right.