Hello Ladies s01e03 Episode Script

The Date

1 Full press back to Down Dog.
Spreading wide through your fingers, close the eyes.
Breathe here.
Inhale, cobra, pause.
( sighs ) What are you doing after this? Moving in with my fiancé.
Are you really? Yeah, well, wear the ring, then, 'cause you're wasting everyone's time at the moment, love.
Who exactly is calling me the creepy crawler? Oh, a lot of girls in the class.
Maybe even all of them.
Well, I'm not gonna apologize for trying to meet someone.
Stuart, you keep hitting on beautiful models and actresses.
I'm sorry, but we're not gonna date you.
Hey, Stuart.
Top of the morning to ya.
Heh, well, I appreciate the effort, um, Annie, but that's actually that's more of an Irish saying and I'm actually English.
Yeah, okay.
Walk up again.
Um, can I get a strawberry smoothie, please? Cheerio, Stuart.
Well, closer, but you'd actually say cheerio when you were leaving.
How long for that smoothie 'cause I kind of have a lot to do today.
She has nothing to do today.
- Carrot juice for you.
- Please.
She's flirting outrageously with you.
You should ask her out.
No, I come here all the time.
I'm not shitting on my own doorstep.
I think you're scared because this one might actually say yes.
I'm not scared.
- Is she flirting? - Yes, ask her out.
A smoothie, a carrot juice.
Oh, Annie, sorry.
Could I ask you a question, a quick question? Uh-huh.
Which is, um Stupid, stupid, that was silly.
That was firstly, how much are they? And would you like to go out sometime with me? Yeah.
Yeah, that would be fun.
- Yeah? Oh, cool.
- Yeah, that would be fun.
Great, all right, excellent.
Have you been to that new place, Vouloir? I haven't but I've heard that it is très bien.
Well, I'll tidy that up and you put your phone number in there.
( whispers ) Absolute master.
Just a little boy lost looking for a lamb In the all-night city Living in his lonely limousine And though he never has to worry He's the only one and only one He's ever gonna need Absolutely, he's in definite need Ooh, maybe we've been alone too long You don't want to be lonely Maybe we've been alone too long You don't want to be lonely.
( gasping ) The thing about me, Rory, is I can read women.
But I wasn't always a player.
This is gonna surprise you, but I used to be considered something of a nerd.
( chuckles ) Yeah.
I didn't lose my virginity until I was 23.
Whoa, I lost mine when I was 17.
- It's not a competition.
- Sorry.
So, you gonna when are you gonna call her? Rule one you've gotta seem like you're too busy to call.
- Text only.
- What do you text? Well, here's what I'm gonna send.
"Annie, when you're done squeezing oranges" knowledge of job "could you squeeze me in" wordplay "for dinner at Vouloir" restaurant she mentioned "toodle-oo" a little cheeky reference to my Britishness.
- ( laughs ) - All right? - Send that and that's job done.
- That's job done.
Now, she probably won't reply for a couple of hours, but you can't sweat it.
That's just the rules of the game.
- Might as well relax.
- You've just gotta relax 'cause ( phone chimes ) Methinks we may be dealing with an amateur.
Yeah, methinks.
Yeah, no, it is her.
"Gor, blimey governor.
That sounds fun.
How about Sunday?" Get me a reservation, please, at Vouloir.
One reservation at "Var.
" ( doorbell rings ) Oh, hello, mate.
How you doing? Almost died this morning.
What do you mean you almost died? What are you talking about? I slipped in the shower.
- Look at this.
- Wow, that sounds bad.
Well, this idiot fell inside a refrigerator.
That could've been a lot worse, all right? I could've there was glass.
I could've had to pay for something.
You all right? You know, it freaked me out a little bit.
I was laying there.
Could've been unconscious.
I mean, when I was living with Marion, she would've found me eventually.
If you hadn't heard from me, how long until you would have came looking for me? I don't know.
It depends if we'd made plans or something.
- A couple of hours, six hours.
- I would've been dead.
Well, you wouldn't be dead, would you? We need to implement a system.
From now on, I am texting you AG every three hours.
Right, and what does AG mean? - All good.
- All good.
Then you text me AG back so I know you're AG.
Hey, can I get in on this? - Absolutely.
- Appreciate it.
Jessica, you should get in on this.
- Uh, I'm AG.
- Really? Single woman living alone, mid-30s.
Mid-30s? No, I'm mid-20s.
Yeah, he bumped his head.
He's not a fucking moron.
Stuart? - Yeah, emails.
- Oh.
Oh, what? Good, hello.
- Hi.
- Oh.
Ah! ( laughs ) - How are you doing? - Yeah, good, thank you.
- How are you? - Good.
- Just sit here.
- Okay.
- I like your shirt.
- Thank you, thank you.
I like your head hair.
I like your I like the hair on your head.
Thank you.
Welcome to Vouloir.
I'll give you a minute to acquaint yourselves with the menus and the wine list.
Let me know if you have any questions.
- This menu looks fantastic.
- Yeah, definitely.
Some wine this evening? - Oh.
- Hmm, do you want wine, or This Chilean Sancerre is supposed to be fantastic.
Really? - It's 70 bucks.
- It's how much, sorry? - It's $70.
- $70? Can I suggest the New Zealand Sancerre? It's only $10 more, but it's twice as good.
Oh, great.
Let's do that.
- ( chuckles ) - Yep, thank you for that suggestion.
What are you thinking about for entrees? I do not know at the sorry, can you excuse me for a second? I just need to pop to the, um - Go ahead.
- Yeah, all right, okay.
- Excuse me, excuse me? - Yes? That wine that you just recommended is way too expensive, so I'm gonna need you to come out to the table in a few minutes and just say, "Oh, sorry, that wine's no longer available.
" - Does that make sense? - Okay.
- Okay, great.
Thank you very much indeed.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm thinking about steak.
That's, I'm sure, the only way to go.
I'm so sorry, but we are out of the New Zealand Sancerre.
Oh, come on.
You just recommended it.
What are you doing? If you don't have it, don't recommend it 'cause we were all excited about it.
I'm so sorry, sir.
I can bring the $70 bottle that the lady chose originally.
- Have you got that one? - Yes, we do.
- We have that one.
I'll bring it.
- All right, good.
- Yep.
- Okay.
Wait, so where in England are you from? Do you know what I forgot to do? - I forgot to tip the bathroom attendant.
- Oh.
- So, will you excuse me for one second? - Yeah, okay.
Excuse me.
Um, that wine is also too expensive.
How much are you looking to spend, sir? I don't know.
Somewhere between, say, you know, $18 and $15 $14.
Excuse me again.
I'm afraid we don't have any Sancerre left.
- I'm so sorry.
- Are you kidding me? Young man, I am this close to walking out.
Honestly, because we'd heard nothing but great things about this place.
- It's - No, I'm sorry, but it's like we're gonna spend a lot of money here.
I just tipped the bathroom attendant 20 bucks.
We don't have a bathroom attendant.
Well, there was someone in there taking money, so you just wanna you might want to investigate that.
Do you know what? Why don't we just get a bottle of the house white, which I'm assuming you've got some of, and we'll just make do with that.
You know, we should just order, and let's see if they have food.
- Good luck with that.
We shall see.
- ( laughs ) Um, I'll have the Caesar salad as an entree.
And you'll have Well, it says that that the Kobe steak has seasonal truffles when available.
But are they in season right now? They are for an additional $40.
You've got them? You've definitely got that, the truffles? We absolutely have them.
All right, I'm gonna ask you that question again and I want you to think really hard.
Do you have those seasonal truffles? Yes.
Then rush 'em out because this lady's getting hungry.
- All right? - Sure.
- So, where are you from? - I'm gonna be right back.
( people chatting ) Jessica! Hey.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Hi, oh.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- How are you? - I'm really good, thank you.
I haven't seen you in class for a while.
No, well, I've been stuck in fucking Melbourne on this Leonardo DiCaprio movie.
Have you? What have you been up to? Oh, I actually am writing and directing my very own Web series.
- Oh, wow.
That's so great.
- Yeah, it is.
And have you gotten any paid work? You know, can I be honest? That the satisfaction I get from writing is payment enough.
Hmm, 'cause I got worried for a sec.
I hadn't seen you in anything for so long and I was like ( gasps ) "Oh, no, did she quit?" I just decided that I wasn't gonna audition for anything unless a really wonderful script came through the door.
Yeah, well, you could show a lot of the young actors that you don't need to whore yourself out for money if you're, you know, happy to live in an outhouse.
It's a guesthouse.
- Oh, no, what did I say? - You said outhouse.
( laughs ) - That's wrong.
- You're right, it's very wrong.
Because you don't even have a toilet.
- No, I have a toilet.
- Oh, it does.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, well, that's great.
Yeah, it's like it's a regular toilet.
Yes, we have mini golf in England, but why would I play a game called mini golf? - I'm a giant.
- ( laughs ) It wouldn't make sense, would it? Um, this was really nice.
Yes, I yeah, it was good.
We should do it again sometime.
I agree.
Should I kick your ass at mini golf next weekend maybe? That's fighting talk, but I accept the challenge.
All right, good night.
Sleep well.
- Cheerio.
- Cheerio.
Correct use.
Wade: We're just we're both in the same boat.
Marion's gone.
You're in that big house all alone.
If you happen to have a fall, Roger's not there to find you, may he rest in peace.
Let me get this.
You know, think about AG.
Let me know if you want to get on board.
Hey, Doug.
Doug, you still divorced? "Hey, Stuart, thanks for a fun date.
Hope you're practicing for mini golf.
" Oh, yes! Well, what are you gonna text back? "Already practicing my strokes" sexualizing.
"Where and when?" Logistics.
That's that's why you're the master.
And the master is saving that in drafts.
You wondering why? I was gonna ask you, but I didn't know if it was appropriate for me to ask you.
The reason I'm saving it in drafts is I'm not sending that until lunchtime.
Oh, that's how they do it.
You gotta make 'em sweat.
- Make her think.
- Make her think, "Is it" - "Is it on?" - "Is he is it on?" - "Is he interested?" - "Is interested.
" - You know what I mean? - I mean? Uh, yeah, yeah.
Send her in.
- Hey, babe.
This is an unexpected treat.
- Hi.
We're gonna have to make this quick, though, - 'cause I have a meeting at 2:30, okay? - No.
Why did Amelia Gordon just get back from shooting a movie with Leonardo DiCaprio and I haven't worked in eight months? I don't know.
This is a tricky phase for you.
Look, speaking as your friend, I think you're super sexy.
I have a boner as we speak.
I want to bend you over this desk right now.
- Thanks.
- But as your agent, I don't know what to put you up for.
You're not a young ingénue, you're not a character actress.
You know what I think you'd be great as? A host of one of those shows where people renovate their house.
No, I want an audition or you're gonna lose me as a friend and as a client.
Well, I don't want to lose this friendship.
Lisa, what do we have at the moment for actresses, age range 30 to 40? 30 to 40? I can play mid-20s.
Mid-20s? Upwards? How about a tampon commercial? No, I am a serious actress.
I want a movie, okay? I'm not a fucking whore.
If it goes national, it could be 50 grand.
I'll read the script and see if I can find an angle.
- What time do you make it? - It's 5:45.
- And what time did I text Annie? - 1:00.
Well, why hasn't she written back? You know, I'm glad it's bothering you, too, 'cause I feel like I'm, like, pulling my hair out over here.
- Yeah.
- Chicks, man.
They're one of life's greatest mysteries.
Them and plants.
I'll just send her another message.
The master.
That's how you play the game right there, man.
You know it.
Well, how many times did you text her? Like, once.
All right.
And then just a, you know, quick follow-up one just to check that she got the first.
Whoa, stalker.
- No.
- See, that's where you blew it.
Didn't blow it 'cause I sent her a third one saying, "Ignore the second.
I'm sure you got the first.
" Three texts.
What, are you a fucking amateur? - No, I'm not an amateur.
- Jesus.
Why, what should he have written? Always the same thing.
Text one, "Spread your legs and say ah.
" - Text two, dick pic.
- Ugh.
- Anything? - Nothing.
- What? Is she serious? - Honestly, I don't know what's going on.
Maybe I'm not getting my texts.
Do messages ever just get lost in the system? You know, is she trying to text and I'm not getting them? - Okay, just let me see your phone.
- Mm-hmm.
What do you think the problem is? I mean, maybe she's just not into you, - or maybe she doesn't - I mean, what's the problem with the phone? Get the manager.
( phone chimes ) Ah! Fuck.
"That's why I use new discreet Tampax Radiant featuring their best ever leak guard protection.
" - Jessica? - Mm-hmm.
Miss Jessica? Sorry to interrupt, ma'am.
It's just, um, he's emailing her and I think maybe it could use a female's perspective.
Subject line, "How dare you?" Change that to, "Who the fuck do you think you are?" Okay, now write this "Dear Miss Palmer, what kind of a sociopath invites a man to play mini golf when they have no fucking intention of doing so?" ( scoffs ) You can't send that.
Oh, I can and I will.
What are the rules? What are the bloody rules? Somebody makes a plan with you, they should stick to it.
You know what the rules are.
She's not texting you because she's playing it cool.
Oh, you know what? I'm sick of these little people with their little fucking text games.
- All right, send it.
- Mm-mm.
- Send it.
- I won't let you do that to yourself.
- All right, I'll send it myself.
- No, you won't.
Yes, I will.
- No - Stop it.
( phone chimes ) Oh, it's her.
What does it say? "Sorry for late reply.
Some personal stuff came up.
Mini golf Friday?" Hey-oh.
Yeah! That's my guy, Stuart.
Back up in it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Back up in the game.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- What are you gonna write back? That's what I'm talking about.
What are you gonna tell her? Um, write this.
Write, "Didn't even notice.
Been swamped myself.
Friday, cool.
" When are you gonna send that? Probably send it around midnight so she thinks I've just come in from a hot date.
You've learned nothing, have you? No, 'cause, hey, you can't teach the master.
You can't teach the master.
He is.
Please, may I may I have may I have your attention? - Good night.
- 'Night, Dave.
You got any plans for this weekend? - Barbecue with the in-laws.
- Oh.
And you know what? You should probably keep a fire extinguisher handy.
Nothing tasty about a trip to the emergency room.
'Cause they don't make tents for people of my size.
- I imagine.
- And, uh so, I'm in this tent and I hear this noise in the middle of the night.
And I'm wondering, what is it? - Is it, uh is it a bear? - Mm-hmm.
And then I'm thinking, what's the rule? Like, if it's a brown bear, you curl up in a ball.
And if you is everything okay? Oh, yeah, totally.
- Let me run to the bathroom.
- Sure.
I'll be right back.
( phone chimes ) - Hi.
- Hi.
Are you here for the Martin Scorsese movie or the tampon commercial? I'm here for the tampon commercial.
Oh, okay.
Just go ahead and sign in.
There's a Scorsese project today? Yeah.
Well, I'd be willing to read for that, too, as I'm here.
I'm sure the scripts are similar.
Plenty of blood in both.
- ( phone vibrates ) - Okay.
Hi, I can't talk.
I'm at an audition.
I'm on this date with Annie and she's texting some guy called Alex all the way through it.
Do you think she's seeing someone else? She's probably just, I don't know, talking to a friend or something.
I'm sure it's nothing to be worried about.
Just have fun.
Don't be paranoid.
Okay, thank you.
Good luck pretending to be on your period.
- Thank you.
- All right, bye.
- Hi.
- Receptionist: Hi.
- I'm Amelia Gordon.
- Sign in.
Thank you.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Hi.
You look so healthy.
Have you been lifting weights? No.
Are you here for Scorsese or are you here for tampons? ( laughing ) Jessica, they're ready for you.
- Right now? - Mm-hmm.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
Ooh, are you keeping them waiting? Nope.
Here I go.
By Mario or I am so sorry.
Oh, excuse me.
I'm just May I help you? Hi, yes, I'm Jessica Vanderhoff.
I'm here for the commercial audition.
I just got really turned around here.
It's like a labyrinth.
It's confusing.
Should I just come in through I mean, I'm here, right? - Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
- Oh, thank you.
- You are welcome.
Hi, hello.
Hi, it's Wade Bailey from upstairs.
I forgot my access card.
Hel hello? - ( groans ) - ( knocks ) Help! Isn't the last scene in "Braveheart" a mini golf tournament? I think you might be right.
- Look at that.
Oh, come on! - Oh! - Oh.
- Look at that.
Am I right? - Very good.
- Hole in one.
Excuse me.
which helps keeps my period from becoming a question I don't want to have to answer.
Thank you.
We'll let you know.
Well, back out the window I go.
I'd rather you use the door.
Didn't you go in the door for the movie? Yep.
And you're coming out of the tampon door.
- Yeah.
- I'm so confused.
Why are you coming out of that door? Oh, you know, I know them, so I just popped in to say hi afterwards.
Excuse me, you forgot these.
Lucy, we're ready for you now.
I am on my period.
Big box.
Well, it is horrific down there.
Break a leg.
Oh, thank you.
( sighs ) And I thought I knew what being hungover was, but I did not know what being hungover was.
And I, like, was craving greasy food.
- Then I - Sorry, I've not missed your turn, have I? Oh, actually, could you do me a huge favor and drop me off at my friend's place? - Yeah, yeah.
Of course.
- Thank you.
- This the one? - Yeah.
( ratchets brake ) This was fun.
See you later.
- See ya.
- All right.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Annie: He seems really open to the idea.
Again, I don't know how I feel about it, but it's not my decision.
But I think it helps, definitely, that you're so supportive.
- Totally.
- ( phone ringing ) - Annie: Stuart? - Hiya.
- What are you doing? - Could I just get this? - Hello? - Hey, it's Rory.
I haven't had an AG from Wade in hours.
I'm freaking out over here.
Now's not a great time, mate, to be honest.
I'm just in the middle of something.
Let me give you a call back.
Rory: Okay, yeah, that's no problem.
Sorry about that.
What were you saying? Were you spying on me? Can I be honest? I've been a bit suspicious 'cause all night you were texting someone called Alex.
You looked at my phone? Yeah, I did look a little bit, yeah.
- Yeah, no, uh - Let me explain.
Let me explain.
That's okay.
I don't need it.
Please, Annie.
Give me 10 seconds to Annie, please.
- I don't really - Please just let me explain quickly.
10 seconds to explain, please.
( groans ) What? - I thought we had, like, a fun date - Mm-hmm.
and then you didn't reply to my messages and then it was I'm not a psychopath, but I started getting paranoid that maybe you were seeing someone else, so I, you know that's why I looked at your phone, and but come back with one more date come on one more date with me, and I swear I'll prove to you that I'm not crazy and that and we'll have fun and just we'll dance or whatever you want to do.
Salsa or whatever.
Just one more date.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I'm gonna bring her in case you are a psychopath.
Sure, that seems fair.
( panting ) I'll give you a call, yeah? - Sure.
- Good to meet you, Alex.
- Joanne.
- Pardon? My name's Joanne.
Ah, I knew it.
So, who's Alex? - Who's Alex? - My brother.
Oh, your brother, really? You're texting your brother, are you, all the way through a fucking date? That's not weird.
My brother was just diagnosed with leukemia.
I wouldn't worry about it.
Honestly, you know, modern medicine.
They can work wonders.
You know what we should do? Take him out mini golfing, cheer him up.
- Fuck off.
- Yeah.
( laughs ) Victor, Victor! Thank you.
Oh, I'm so thirsty.
Moving though the crowd and the midnight heat The traffic crawls, the sirens scream You look at the faces, it's just like a dream Nobody knows where you're going Nobody cares where you've been 'Cause you belong to the city You belong to the night