Hey Arnold! (1996) s01e10 Episode Script

Door #16/Arnold as Cupid

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
Hey, Arnold!
HELGA: Hey, Arnold!
Move it, football-head.
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
I hate this traffic jam
every morning.
Hey, 13 boarders,
one bathroom.
What do you expect?
What about Mr. Smith?
He has his own
private shower.
And a great big
split level suite.
I don't like him.
He thinks he's
better than us.
With his fancy clothes
and tipping hat.
Tip, tip, tip.
Guy's lived here three years,
he's never said a word.
Well, he's just
a very private person,
Mr. Potts.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's what they all say.
Hey, gramps.
Did you drown in there,
or what?
Mr. Smith,
breakfast incoming.
Well, that Mr. Smith
really bugs me.
Yeah, and he
eats too fast.
Special room,
special meals delivered,
special own shower.
Special everything.
Who does he
think he is?
Well, he does pay extra,
Mr. Kokoshka.
And on time.
Arnold, I think
Mr. Smith is very odd.
He's creepy.
He gives me the creeps.
Oh, come on,
Mr. Hyunh.
He's just a regular guy
like the rest of us.
ERNIE: Yeah,
he's regular, all right.
Real regular.
Oh, yeah.
OSKAR: He's the weirdest guy
in the world.
Package for
Mr. Smith.
He's not here.
Can I trust you
to give it to him?
It must be delivered
right into Mr. Smith's hands.
Nobody else can open it.
Yes, sir. Don't worry.
You can count on me.
Hey, by any chance,
is that from
the toupe-of-the-month club?
Nope. It's something
for Mr. Smith.
Oh, really?
Smith, huh?
He never got
a package here before.
What kind is it?
Plain brown paper,
plain string,
pretty ordinary.
Too ordinary,
if you ask me.
I wonder
what's in it.
This is Mr. Smith's
private property.
That guy's a freak.
Give me that.
He's creepy.
Real creepy.
I told you, I'm not
giving you the package!
It's me, Gerald.
So, I hear you got
a package
for that secret guy,
Mr. Smith.
Yeah, and I alone
have been shouldered
with the weight
and responsibility
of its safety.
Cool, let's open it.
Why not?
Gerald, it belongs
to Mr. Smith.
Yeah, and I bet
there's something
really weird in there.
I don't know, Gerald.
We've got to get this package
to Mr. Smith no matter what.
Come on.
Let's see.
What do we know
about Mr. Smith?
Arnold, we know nothing
about Mr. Smith.
Well, we know he
always wears one of
those weird bowler derbies.
Now, where do they
sell bowler derbies?
Well, the only place I know
is Toller's Bowlers on 44th.
How do you know that?
That's where my man
Fuzzy Slippers gets 'em.
So, let's go.
I distract the guy
telling him I'm looking
for a bowler derby.
Right. Meanwhile, I sneak
a look at his Rolodex
and see if I can
find anything on Smith.
Wait a minute. Why would
two kids be looking
for a bowler derby?
I got an idea.
What is it?
You'll see.
Hello, old chap.
How can I help you?
I'm looking for
a certain hat.
Well, you've
hit the mother lode.
Now, how about this one?
Or this one?
Ah, this one is perfect
for the particularly rare
shape of your head.
You look smashing,
old boy.
Why, thank you.
But, actually, old chap,
I'm looking for something
rather more like that one.
Oh. All the way
up there, sir?
Yes. The one
with the feather.
If I may, old chap.
Up there, then.
Right. Good.
Now I have to go
to Mount Kilimanjaro
for this tall, slender
frameless chap.
There it is.
Arnold, hang on to
that pipe for a second.
What are you, nuts?
I'll just be a second.
Sander, Salami, Salome
Here it is. Smith!
Come on, Gerald.
Step on it.
Is this the bowler Whoa!
Maybe I should
get another job.
Are you sure?
It's at 234,
Smith avenue.
Satellite industries.
Sounds like the name
of some covert cover-up
operation for the CIA.
I knew it.
He's a spy, man.
I told you.
Come on.
We have a package
for Mr. Smith.
Which Mr. Smith?
You mean
there's more than one?
That's right.
There's John Smith,
John Smith Sr.
John Smith Jr.,
John Smith the third,
John Smith esquire,
John Q Smith,
John Smith Smith
John John Smith.
Don't you have any
plain Mr. Smiths?
I'm sorry,
that information
is classified.
Now suppose
I were to tell you
I don't buy that, lady.
What would you
say to that?
This has been fun.
We've been on
a wild goose chase
halfway across the city
and we still have no idea
how to find that Smith guy.
I'm not giving up, Gerald.
I'm handing this package
to Mr. Smith,
if it's the last thing I do.
it's hopeless.
Do you know
the chances of us
finding one specific person
in a huge city?
A billion to one,
you hear me?
A billion to one!
MAN: Have a good day,
Mr. Smith.
Or less.
Stay, Smith!
Mr. Smith!
Hurry. Follow that taxi.
Behind the yellow line
while the bus is in motion
and get your package
out of my ear.
GERALD: Mr. Smith,
we have a package for you.
ARNOLD: Mr. Smith!
Man, that guy
is unbelievable.
Okay, that's it.
Yeah, let's just open it
and get it over with.
Come on, Arnold.
No one will know.
We can just tape it
back up afterwards.
I just can't do it,
Let's take the package
and go home.
But, what about
the boarders?
Ugh, they've
probably forgotten about
the whole thing by now.
Grandma, Grandpa,
you all right?
Wait till I get my hands
on that Ernie Potts.
What did he do
with my kitchen?
Run, boys. Run!
There he is.
Get him!
Get the kid.
Smash him!
Hey. Watch the hair.
It's ours.
Get it!
Guys, what
are you doing?
You're acting
like a bunch of animals.
Well, whatever it is,
you ripped it.
OSKAR: My family?
That's so sweet.
ERNIE: I feel like
a real heel.
for Mr. Smith.
Can I trust you
to give it to him?
SUZIE: Oh, Oskar.
How can you
ask me for more money?
What happened to the $200
I gave you yesterday?
OSKAR: What $200?
SUZIE: You know
very well what $200.
OSKAR: Oh, yeah,
I remember
Some guys, they
robbed me on the subway.
SUZIE: That's not true!
OSKAR: Okay, I lost it.
SUZIE: Oskar. Oskar,
I've had it.
Things aren't
working out between us.
I want you out.
But, Suzie,
you know I love you.
You love yourself, Oskar.
I'm just second place.
What's wrong
with second place?
That's pretty good.
Well, it's not
good enough for me.
I'm changing my life, Oskar.
I'm sticking up
for myself.
I'm tired
of your excuses
and your lies.
From now on,
I'm gonna make it
on my own.
Suzie, what about me?
Where am I
going to sleep?
What do you want?
Listen, Ernie,
you're not gonna
believe this,
but Suzie kicked me out.
Can I stay
in your room tonight?
Sure, Oskar.
Just as soon as you
pay me the 20 bucks you've
owed me since Christmas!
Hey, Mr. Hyunh.
How's my Vietnamese
American good buddy?
Suzie kicked me out
and I need a place to stay.
You cannot stay here!
You're not good person!
Not a good person at all.
Oh, um, hello,
Mr. Kokoshka.
Call me Oskar.
I can't believe
how handsome you're getting.
The way your body
is growing
to match the unusual shape
of your head.
You must have
all the girls after you.
Well, I don't know
about that.
Sure, they are.
You must have
a sweetheart, uh?
Well, not exactly.
Listen, Arnold,
I need a place
to stay for a few days.
The room's kind of small.
Thanks, Arnold.
You're a good boy.
Your grandma and grandpa
must be very proud of you.
I take the bed tonight.
We can trade off
But, Mr. Kokoshka,
I don't know about this,
and I have to
get some sleep.
Oh, well, it's only
for a couple of days.
Sweet dreams,
Mr. Kokoshka.
Thank you, Arnold.
OSKAR: Arnold!
Wake up,
you sleepy-head!
Time for breakfast.
Look, French toast
and fresh-squeezed
orange juice.
Gee, thanks,
Mr. Kokoshka.
What happened
to my French toast
and orange juice?
Boy, this is
really great. Thanks.
By the way,
what time is it?
Ten thirty.
What? Ten thirty?
But, my alarm.
What happened?
I turned it off
so it wouldn't wake me up.
I have to get to school.
I gotta go.
I'll see you later.
Mr. Kokoshka, would you mind
playing your saxophone
some other time?
I have to study
for a test.
But, Arnold,
I have to practice.
Well, I have to study.
Arnold, be reasonable.
Can't we
at least compromise?
I'll practice now,
you can study tomorrow.
But, Mr. Kokoshka,
my test is tomorrow!
Oh, Arnold,
good to see you.
How did your test go?
Not so good.
That's too bad.
You should have studied.
I'm making smoothies!
Mr. Kokoshka, this
isn't working out.
I said,
this isn't
Oh, Arnold,
I forgot to tell you.
I'm having some friends
over to play cards.
Hello, Oskar,
you old goat.
How's it going, guys?
Hey, nice place.
Make yourselves at home.
Mi casa su casa.
Come on, you bum.
Let's go.
Haha. It's forty
to you, Oskar.
Okay, I say,
"Go Fish!"
Give me a break.
Come on, Oskar.
It's your bet.
Okay, okay.
I raise you fifty.
But, Oskar, you don't
have any chips left.
Don't worry.
I bet this CD player
for collateral.
Mr. Kokoshka,
that's mine!
Don't worry, Arnold,
I can't lose.
I can't believe I lost.
Who would've thought you'd
lose with a pair of threes?
Eh, it's no problem.
I'll win it
all back next week
when the gang comes over.
Well, actually,
I've been meaning to
talk to you about that.
I think maybe it's time
you thought about finding
another place to live.
I'm telling you, Gerald.
He's driving me crazy.
I feel for you, man.
I mean, between
the snoring
and the saxophone
No wonder his wife
kicked him out.
I just wish I could
get him to leave.
Yeah. Too bad you
can't get him back together
with his wife.
Hey, wait a minute.
That's it!
I'm gonna get Mr.
and Mrs. Kokoshka
back together.
I don't know, Arnold.
Messing with grown-ups'
love problems is
a dangerous thing.
Maybe, Gerald.
But I gotta do it.
I gotta get my room back.
Oh, come on, Suzie,
don't you miss him sometimes?
No. In fact, I haven't
thought about him
at all since he left.
Well, he's thought about you.
He has?
Oh, sure. He talks
about you all the time.
He does?
Yeah, in fact,
he wanted me to ask you
if you'd have dinner
with him under the stars.
On the roof?
On the roof?
That's so romantic.
Should I tell him
you'll be there?
Well, all right.
Dinner under the stars?
It doesn't
sound like Oskar.
Oh, he's
a changed man.
Come on, Mr. Kokoshka.
It's just dinner.
Forget it, Arnold.
She kicked me out,
and as far
as I'm concerned,
it's over.
But, Mr. Kokoshka,
she really
wants to see you.
She does?
Yeah, she said
she missed you.
Well, that makes sense.
I'm a very likable guy.
She hates me.
Say something
nice to her.
You know, Suzie,
in the moonlight,
you can barely see
that big stain
on your good dress.
I wouldn't have
a stain on my good dress
if you hadn't used it
to polish your shoes.
Oh, sure,
blame it on Oskar.
Everything is
always my fault.
If the shoe fits.
Uh, I've got an idea.
Why don't you two dance?
(CHUCKLES) Oskar hasn't
danced with me in years.
Besides, he's got
two left feet.
Two left feet?
What is it with
all the shoe metaphors?
I'll show you dancing.
Oskar, ouch!
And now,
for the dessert.
Two cherry tarts.
Guess it's only
one cherry tart.
Well, we could
share it.
But it's such
a tiny piece.
Maybe Mrs. Kokoshka
would like it.
Arnold, do you have
something in your eye?
You don't really want
the cherry tart.
Do you, Suzie?
Not if you want it
all for yourself, Oskar.
Okay. Great.
Boy, this is great.
You don't know
what you're missing.
That's it, Oskar.
You'll never change.
You just don't care
about anyone but yourself.
What's her problem?
She's right.
You don't care
about anyone but yourself.
Oh. Um
Hi, Mr. Kokoshka.
Hello, Arnold.
And goodbye.
I decided, maybe
you're right about me.
I'm going away
to find myself.
Well, are you
sure about this?
Yes, I'm sure.
I'm hitting
the road, Jack.
Oh, I got
your CD player back.
Never bet
on a pair of threes.
Thanks. But,
where will you go?
I don't know,
I just don't know.
By the way,
I borrowed your suitcase.
I knew you
wouldn't mind.
Hello, Suzie.
Uh, how are you?
Never better.
Well, I have to go now.
Oskar, is that
a suitcase in your hand?
Yes, I'm going away.
It's the best thing
for everyone.
Where will you go?
I don't know.
Somewhere into the dark abyss
I've created for myself.
Well, if you're
really leaving,
I guess you could
use some money.
Well, sure a couple of fifties
would tide me over.
No, wait.
I can't take it.
I don't want to take it.
I can't keep taking money
from you, Suzie.
From now on, I'm
going to make it on my own.
You keep the money.
What did you say?
You keep the money?
Oh, Oskar.
That's the most
beautiful thing
you've ever said to me.
You keep the money?
That's the first time
you ever thought of
someone else before yourself.
You must care about me.
Oh, Oskar.
You keep the money.
Oh, Oskar.
You keep the money.
Oh, Oskar.
You keep the money.
SUZIE: Oh, Oskar.
OSKAR: Oh, Suzie.
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