Hey Arnold! (1996) s01e18 Episode Script

False Alarm/World Records

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
Hey, Arnold!
Hey, Arnold!
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
(SHOUTING) Fire! Fire!
Stop, stop, it's a
false alarm!
Wait until I get my hands on
the kid who pulled the alarm.
Eugene Horowitz, you have been
caught red-handed in the
pulling of the fire alarm,
a most serious offense.
But I didn't do it.
What my client is trying to
say is, he didn't do it,
Your Honor.
Now according to the bylaws of
this school district,
you can only be expelled
after being found guilty by a
jury of your student peers.
(WHISPERING) Face it, Eugene.
You're gonna fry.
I didn't do it.
Bye, Eagle Scouts.
HELGA: Guilty! Guilty!
Guilty! Guilty!
Fudgy nut-nut bar?
It's on the back Madam
Fortress mommy!
Oh! Guilty, and
not guilty?
HAROLD: Come on, get this
stuff out of the way.
All right, who's the bonehead?
Helga, our votes are
supposed to be secret.
Yeah, right, Phoebe.
Quit kidding around and change
your votes, so we can get out
of here.
I got tickets to WrestleMania.
HAROLD: And I'm hungry!
HELGA: Yeah, come on!
Let's get this over with.
GERALD: Huh? Not guilty?
Phoebe didn't vote
"not guilty." I did.
HAROLD: What'd ya do it for?
Well, I'm not convinced.
He could be innocent.
Yeah! And little green aliens
could be building an advanced
civilization inside my nose.
Come on, Arnold!
No, really. I think there's
reasonable doubt that Eugene
pulled the fire alarm.
What? You gotta be kidding me!
I'll never get out of here
on time.
Come on! What's
more important?
Our petty little pleasures,
or making sure that our
classmate gets a fair trial?
Look, the least we could do is
go over the evidence again.
We owe it to Eugene.
Fine. If the football head
wants to go through
the evidence again,
then we'll go through
the evidence again.
But if I miss WrestleMania,
it's gonna be your butt!
Harold you start.
But I'm hungry.
Here's a banana. Get started.
Okay, well, here's why it had
to be Eugene.
It was just after lunch,
and we was all coming out
of the cafeteria.
I remember, 'cause I just
finished my third
pudding pack,
and I wasn't as hungry as
I usually
Get on with it, pink boy!
Oh, yeah right, okay.
Anyways, according to the
testifaction of
Squeaky Peterson,
just before the fire alarm
was pulled,
she observified Eugene.
walking right by
the fire alarm!
It was at that moment
that someone, unknownst to the
rest of us,
but definitely not me,
you guys,
pulled Squeaky's right pigtail
hard, detracting her.
While Squeaky was detracted,
someone pulled the fire alarm!
And who was right there?
Who? Who?
No one else but
Out of the way!
I'm a certified CPU.
Ah, that's better!
What monkey-boy here is trying
to say is that Eugene
had the opportunity.
So Eugene had the opportunity,
Helga. So what?
There were lots of kids there.
They all had the
same opportunity!
Well, how many kids had peanut
butter smeared all over them?
His hands were covered with
it! So was the fire alarm!
Peanut butter is not proof
of anything.
What about the glasses,
the footprints?
Slow down! Let's look at all
the evidence, one thing
at a time.
Fine! Who wants to talk about
the evidence?
I believe I took all notes
on it, Helga.
Then spill it, sister, and
make it snappy.
It's not every day the
Bloated Bill wrestles
Haystacks Calhoun,
and I'm not going to miss it.
I believe that we've already
established that
the peanut butter smeared on
the fire alarm
was of the same style, creamy,
as Eugene usually eats.
Although he testified he has
also enjoyed chunky
on occasions,
though usually when his mom
was out of creamy,
but we all know that
(SCREAMING) Phoebe, while
we're young, please!
I'm surrounded.
Hurrying. Um, in addition to
the peanut butter evidence,
a pair of eyeglasses were
found a few feet from the
scene of the crime.
A few minutes after
the fire alarm,
the students were allowed to
reenter the building.
It was at this point,
the eyeglasses in question
were discovered by
our classmate, Sid.
Hey, these appear to
be Eugene's.
Look everybody,
Eugene's glasses!
Boy howdy, Eugene is
gonna fry!
Hmm, these are
Eugene's glasses.
Since the eyeglasses which
have been positively
as belonging to Eugene were
discovered next to
the fire alarm,
and since it was a Tuesday and
on Tuesdays Eugene has
to wear his glasses
Get to the
footprints, brainiac!
Footprints were found leading
up to the fire alarm
and then into a nearby
broom closet.
They were of the same size and
unusual make of Eugene's
distinctive sandals.
And finally,
a pencil stub with the word
"Wanky Land" was found outside
the broom closet.
Aha, Wanky Land!
Therefore in conclusion, it
Appears that Eugene is as
guilty as sin!
Come on Arnold! Peanut butter
on the fire alarm,
glasses on the floor,
footprints from some
fancy sandals.
Criminy! What more evidence
do you need?
Hey, Arnold,
Helga's right, man.
I mean, face it! Eugene was
hiding in the broom closet.
What Geraldo here is trying to
say is that
Eugene was caught in the act
of fleeing from the scene of
the crime.
Helga, baby, put your feet up.
I'll tell it.
Now, I think a minute there
about the above-mentioned
heinous crime
Eugene must have figured that
he could hide in
the broom closet,
until all the kids ran past,
but he accidentally locked
himself in.
EUGENE: Hello? Could someone
please let me out?
And that's where the Principal
found him
about a minute later.
So, therefore Arnold,
we can conclude,
that Eugene's not exactly a
criminal mastermind,
but he did get caught fleeing
from the scene.
He's guilty, man!
So he was in a closet.
We found Eugene locked
in closets before.
Look, you guys, I'm not saying
Eugene couldn't have done it.
I'm just saying that I still
have reasonable doubt.
What? Oh, come on, Arnold!
Eugene's guilty three ways
to Sunday.
You know it, I know it,
the American people know it.
How can you possibly have
any doubts?
Hey, it makes just as much
sense as anything else.
Okay, here's my version.
Maybe when he was
eating lunch,
someone distracted him from
his peanut butter sandwich
KID: Hey, Melvin.
Who, me?
Later, when Eugene was going
to class
he could've tripped just like
he does every day for one
reason or another.
I'm fine.
Here, I'll help you!
Oh, thanks. Must've been a
bump in the hallway there.
I lost my balance. I can't see
a thing without my glasses,
of course.
No problem.
You see what I mean?
Every single piece of evidence
could've been set up.
And there's even one
piece of evidence
that couldn't possibly have
come from Eugene.
And what evidence is that,
head boy?
The Wanky Land pencil.
Everyone knows Eugene.
He's been in more accidents
this year alone than all
of us combined.
And everyone knows that Eugene
was banned last fall
from Wanky Land
when he tripped
off the bandstand
and caused the whole
Thanksgiving Day parade
to crash!
Anyway, even though he
loves Wanky Land,
it's not likely he would have
one of their pencils,
since he hasn't been
near there since.
So why would Eugene have a
Wanky Land pencil?
Because someone planted it
outside the broom closet
with a motive to frame him,
that's why.
And who has that motive?
ARNOLD: Someone who
hates Eugene.
Someone who has reason
to harm him.
Someone (ECHOING) Someone,
Okay, okay, I did it!
I confess, I planted
the peanut butter,
I made the shoe prints, I left
the glasses at the scene
of the crime!
But why, Curly?
Because three months,
two weeks, and four days ago,
Eugene borrowed my
favorite pencil.
The pencil I got last summer
at Wanky Land,
and then, when he finally
returned it,
it had chew marks all over it!
And he sharpened it down to
the metal parts!
I couldn't sleep,
I couldn't eat.
All I could think about was
Eugene writing with my pencil,
Eugene chewing on my eraser
and Eugene
Sharpening, sharpening,
and when he finally
gives it back to me, he says,
"Oh, here, Curly."
Like it was no big deal!
I couldn't just take that
lying down. I had to
do something.
So I got this plan, see?
The fire alarm!
I'd pull it, and then I'd
frame Eugene for the crime!
All I needed to do was plant
the right clues.
The peanut butter, the glasses
and to top it all off,
the pencil!
Bingo! He'd be branded
for life!
In light of recent evidence
and at the request of the
student jury,
the court finds Eugene
I never lost faith in you.
You know what, not so many
kids would have stood up to
the whole jury like you did.
I had to do it, Gerald.
You're a bold kid!
So you admit you pulled
the fire alarm?
That's right!
I did it!
I pulled the fire alarm.
And I'd do it again, too. See?
WARTZ: Stop that!
Deepest hole, 7265 feet!
Most kites on single string,
Most chocolate chips
in a single cookie, 2684.6.
All right, chocolate!
Most pokes on a pogo stick.
Fattest worm!
Most bones broken in a single
bicycle accident!
What you dork wads doing now?
We're just reading this book
of World Records.
It's great!
Let me see that thing.
Most fingertip push-ups? Most
consecutive nights sleeping
with scorpions?
Criminy! What a bunch of geeks
and weirdos!
This isn't a book of records,
it's a book of morons.
Come on, Helga. I mean, sure,
there's a lot of weird stuff
in here,
but there's a lot of cool
stuff too Like this
The largest bubblegum bubble
was blown by Phyllis Serenson,
of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.
It was 33 inches across and
took 46 pieces of gum to make.
Yeah, big deal!
Does it say how long it took her
to pull all the gum off her face?
No, you know why?
'Cause it's dumb!
I mean, who cares how many
pogos some guy did
in Timbuktu?
If you dweebs wanna sit there
reading that dumb book, fine!
But I've got more important
things to do.
Come on, Phoebe, let's get
down to the river and
throw rocks.
And by the way,
it's Saskatchewan,
a province in Canada, our
neighbor in the north,
football brain.
Helga's wrong about this book.
I don't know. She made a
couple of good points.
I mean, who really cares how
many sardines a guy
can clean in an hour?
Gerald, the people
in this book are the best
in the world.
They're at the forefront
of human achievement.
To be listed in the book of
World Records is to get a
little piece of immortality.
Uh huh!
You wanna go down the river
and throw rocks?
Gerald, don't you see
what I'm trying to say?
If you and I broke
a world record,
we'd be listed in this
book forever.
Yeah, maybe pretty cool.
But come on, Arnold!
What world record could
we break?
I don't know, but if we
break one,
we'll be the most famous kids
in the whole city.
Walking backwards.
Wait a minute! Tell me again.
Now, why do we pay
walking backwards?
It's a classic!
Oh, yeah.
So how far do you think
we've gone?
About a mile.
What's the record?
Let me check.
Frannie Cardell walked
backwards from Santa Monica,
California to Istanbul,
8773 miles!
Let's try somethin' else.
How about flaming limbo
You kiddin'? I don't wanna
burn my belly.
Okay, what about
chainsaw juggling?
Skip on down.
Man full of bees?
Forget it, Arnold. We're never
gonna find a world record
we could break.
You guys still trying to
break a world record?
BOTH: Yeah.
You don't have to do that kind
of stuff.
You should do stuff you
already know you can do.
except that it doesn't really
take any talent.
You know, kids' stuff like
Most days without taking
a bath.
GRANDPA: Here they come!
GRANDMA: Ah! Ha ha. Yay!
HELGA: Face the fact,
football face.
There's no way you two lame-os
are ever gonna break a
world record.
You're right, Helga.
I am?
The two of us can't. What we
need is more kids!
ARNOLD: Highest pyramid
of kids.
Longest game of
Crack the Whip.
This is not safe.
Most kids riding on
a single bike.
I'm fine!
Hey, I'm not having any fun.
This isn't fun.
You guys stink!
I'm gettin' out of here and
makin' my own world record.
Who's with me?
Uh, I'm in!
This really bites.
I'm not sure how many more
records we can try to break.
I'm game!
Come on, you guys!
We can't give up.
There's plenty of records we
haven't tried yet.
Look, Arnold. Wake up, okay?
I mean, come on, how many
things do you have to fail at?
How many windmills have
to knock you on you butt
before you realize you're just
an average kid
with a bunch of
average friends
and you can't do anything
better than anybody else?
That's not true, Helga.
There's plenty of things we
can be better than
anyone else.
Stinky, nobody else can roll
sleeping bag as tight
as you, right?
Well, uh
And Phoebe, who else has your
encyclopedic knowledge of
Italian sauces?
Gerald, who else can trap a
bazookini with his
mom's car keys?
Come on, you guys!
All we've gotta do is figure
out how to combine
these seemingly useless
talents into one idea
to make something so great,
so unique, so incredibly cool
that no one else could
possibly pull off the
same thing.
Great! So, Stinky can roll
Phoebe knows sauces
and Geraldo's
a human vegematic.
So what?
So so
We'll cook something.
Yeah, right, what?
Like the world's
biggest casserole?
Biggest donut!
ALL: Yay!
Biggest sundae!
Biggest crawdad!
No, the world's biggest
pizza puff!
Stinky can roll the crust.
Phoebe, you can create
the sauce.
Gerald, you can lead us with
the vegetable chopping.
It'll be huge!
We'll get Mr. Green to
donate salami,
Mrs. Johanssen for the
sacks of flour.
There is a rosemary-oregano
sauce I've been
experimenting with.
What's a pizza puff?
Biggest pizza puff!
Oh, brother Arnold. What
a stupid idea!
Where do you come up
with this stuff?
Ah! My love is such
a visionary!
All right, here's the
plan, Brainy.
You go get the quarters from
the very nice people, okay?
And then I'm gonna sit on this
pony until I can break
a world record.
Yeah, are you with me?
Uh huh!
This time I think we really
did it.
I hope we put in enough
baking soda.
One hundred and fifty
teaspoons should be plenty.
Teaspoons? I didn't know
it was teaspoons.
What did you think "tsp"
stood for?
Uh, ten square pounds?
ARNOLD: Uh oh!
Look out! She's gonna blow.
Well, that's it! We've tried
to break just about every
record in the book.
And we haven't even
gotten close.
I guess that just means
one thing.
What's that, Gerald?
Maybe we're not special.
Maybe we're not unique
and maybe we'll never break
a world record.
Yeah, Gerald, maybe
you're right.
Unless what?
No time to talk, Gerald.
I gotta letter to write.
I'll see ya.
Poor boy! He just can't
face the fact.
We did it! We did it!
I'll say you did it and we're
still cleaning it up, too.
Arnold, what in the world
is that?
Now what, football head?
It's from the people at the
book of world records.
They say they're gonna put us
in the book.
Huh? Why are they gonna
do that? We didn't break
any record.
Oh yes, we did!
We broke the record for most
attempts to get in the
book of world records.
They say we're the most
determined neighborhood
they'd ever heard of.
We're famous! We're famous!
My love has done it again!
We're special, we're unique,
we're one of a kind!
Oh, joy! Oh, rapture!
Oh, ecstasy!
Ah! I knew it all along.
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