Hey Arnold! (1996) s02e14 Episode Script

Helga's Boyfriend/Crush on Teacher

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
Hey, Arnold!
Hey, Arnold!
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
(SIGHS) One day,
my sweet, you'll
notice me behind you.
And from that moment on,
you'll never want us
to be apart.
I'll be the center
of your every thought,
your every action.
MAN: Sit down!
There he is again,
fawning over that
cheap tramp, Britney.
Maybe this will
make him jealous.
Come here, Elliott.
"Jealous," eh?
That's it. I need someone
to make Arnold jealous.
Some sap I can order around.
Like a boyfriend. But who?
Who's the perfect chump?
Let me put this
in terms you'll understand.
I'm hiring you
to be my boyfriend.
You know, take me places,
buy me stuff.
Worship the ground I walk on.
I'll pay you a candy bar
a day, deal?
Why, Helga,
I hardly know what to say.
I mean, I guess
I find you attractive
in your own way.
But I never realized
the extent of your
feelings for me.
Oh, don't flatter
yourself, kid.
This is a business deal.
Now what's it going to be?
Yes or no.
I ain't got all day.
Well, could you make it
a Mr. Nutty candy bar?
Hot dang! Okay, Helga,
you got yourself
a hired boyfriend.
Good, now scram.
I'll alert you
when I need you.
And pull out my chair
when I sit down,
and when I sneeze,
give me this handkerchief,
and say,
"Bless you, darling."
And say a lot of stuff like,
"Oh, you're so cute
when you're mad,"
and, "Your eyes
are like big pools
I can look into forever."
And, you know, ya-di-ya.
Boyfriend stuff,
like in the movies.
There he is.
Help me into my chair.
Okie-dokie, darling.
Helga, my pet.
Your eyes are like two mules.
Get off, Stinko.
It's going
Have a hanky, my pet.
Bless you, sweet darling.
Now this time,
you better not mess up.
Ah, Helga. Did I mention
that I don't know
how to skate?
Boy, Stinky. It's always
"me, me, me."
Can't you think about
anybody else for a change?
Let's go.
Now, when I say so,
you skate out here
and pick me up.
Okay, now!
I can't hold you, Helga!
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Can I have my
Mr. Nutty now, darling?
Now pretend you're
saying something
witty and urbane.
And remember, you're
my adoring boyfriend.
Got it.
(LAUGHS) Oh, Stinky,
you slay me.
I said, Stinky,
you slay me.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Hey, wasn't that Helga?
Stinky, this
isn't working out.
I think we should
see other people.
You are fired.
The whole thing's kaput.
Over. Amscray, bucko.
But, Helga
See you in the
funny paper, Stinky.
Bless you, my sweet darling.
Hmm. I feel
strangely wistful.
And I don't know why.
Why don't you come out
of your room right now and
have a nice cheese sandwich?
I can't, Dad.
I'm too forlorn, melancholy
and wistful.
Well, okay, I understand.
Can I have the
cheese sandwich, please?
I don't care.
Whoo! Doggles.
Stinky, are you okay?
I am okay. Just dandy.
Oh, Arnold, I'm
all torn up inside.
Why, Stinky?
What happened?
There's this girl.
A girl you like?
That's it.
I mean, at first I was
just in it for the
Mr. Nutty candy bars.
But But now
I know the truth.
I'm crazy in love with her.
Just crazy in love.
This really bites.
Gee, Stinky,
that's too bad.
Who's the girl?
If I tell you,
will you promise
not to tell anyone?
Helga Pataki.
Helga Pataki!
I know it seems strange,
but the more I was around her,
the more I got to know
the woman behind the mask.
Helga's not just
a screaming blowhard
who bosses me around.
She's much more than that.
The way she huffs
and puffs all the time,
on account
of stuff bugs her,
the way she calls me Stinko
Oh, I could go on and on.
So why don't you
just go talk to her?
But what if
she still hates me?
Oh, the agony!
Oh, the rejection!
I'll die!
You won't die, Stinky.
No, I will.
I'll die!
Lay down and die,
like an old dog.
Look, it's just not right
walking around hopelessly
in love, day after day,
with no relief.
I know. You've got
to do something
about it, Arnold.
All right, I'll talk to her.
My plan worked!
He noticed me.
He can't resist me anymore.
At last, my precious
Don't ever sneak up on me
like that, you little
wing-haired spitwad.
Sorry. Can I talk to you
about something, Helga?
Well, that depends.
Is it about, oh, say,
someone who likes me?
Maybe a friend?
How'd you know?
You might say
I have an uncanny ability
to read people.
Let's see, is this perchance,
someone who has often
yearned for my affections,
but dares not
speak my name aloud?
Wow, you are good.
And I suppose this friend
wants to meet me
after school somewhere
like the park on 45th Street
at the pink bench
near the statue?
Just a second.
It's a deal.
My friend will
meet you there
at 3:00, okay?
Hmm. Okay.
Oh, Arnold my love,
I count the minutes
till we meet again.
And it better be real soon,
or I'll pound the
little rubber-head.
Hel Hello, Helga.
Oh, it's you, smelly.
Listen, beat it.
I'm meeting somebody here.
Uh, yeah, I know.
It's me.
I am the boy
who likes you.
I think we could be
really good together.
'Cause, well
I think I love you.
You love me?
You love me?
That is so weird.
It's pathetic.
I can't help it,
I love you.
Helga, you're
the only girl for me.
Look, Stinky,
it's not gonna work.
Not now, not ever.
But why not?
Because I'm Helga Pataki.
And you, well
You're Stinky.
Get the picture?
Sorry, Stinky.
You gave it
your best shot.
(SIGHS) Yeah.
I guess the best thing
to do is just try
and forget about her.
You know,
go on with your life.
Yeah, I reckon
you're right.
Listen, Stinky,
there are a lot of
other fish in the sea,
if you catch my drift.
I don't follow you, Arnold.
Remember, I'm a simple boy
and you're talking in riddles.
Well, let me try
to explain it.
Start the movie.
HELGA: Oh, brother.
You again?
Stinky, how many times
do I have to tell you?
I have no interest in you.
You're nothing to me.
Nothing but a worm
or a little toad.
Quit following me around.
But, Helga
I mean, you're just sad.
After all this time you're
still mooning over me?
You can't forget me?
But, Helga
Okay, okay I give up.
Maybe I'm going soft.
But I just can't stand
to see you begging anymore.
I'll do you a favor,
just this once.
I'll let you sit with me
but only because
you're so pitiful.
Pardon me, ma'am.
I don't mean to be impolite,
but I believe
you're in my seat.
Huh? Who's the skirt?
That's what I've been
trying to tell you, Helga.
I took your advice.
I realized my feelings
for you were immature
and misguided.
Sure is pitiful to keep
after someone who has
no romantic interest in you.
That'd be a sad and sorry
state of affairs, you know?
And then, I met Gloria.
"Gloria"? Who's Gloria?
It happened the other day
at the drinking fountain.
I guess we were
just plain smitten.
I can't believe it.
I just can't believe it.
Good morning,
my name is Ms. Felter,
and I'm going to be your
substitute teacher for
the next couple of weeks.
So, let's get started.
Okay, who is ready
for a pop quiz
on long division?
Well, you look like
a very competent volunteer.
Your name?
Ah! I'm very partial
to that name.
Go up to the board, Arnold,
and grab some chalk.
When I say go,
start dividing.
On your mark, get set, go!
Good job, Arnold.
You divided and conquered.
Know-it-all football head
and math boy.
Hi, Arnold.
Hi, Ms. Felter.
Hey, Arnold, heads up.
You all right, man?
I'm fine, Ms. Felter.
You don't look
nothing like Ms. Felter.
I'm sorry about my
math homework, Ms. Felter.
Oh, Arnold,
I was actually flattered.
Arnold, do you
like milkshakes?
Hey, Gerald.
What? What's wrong?
Your shirt. You got it
on backwards.
Uh It is backwards.
I sort of feel like
my head's on backwards,
Oh, no, your
head's on correctly.
It's absolutely the shirt.
Oh, come on, Arnold.
Listen to the birds.
Look at the flowers.
Are you trying to make me
spew or something?
What's the matter with you?
Hey, come on, Gerald.
That's her car.
Hi, Ms
"Ms. Felter"?
II thought it was
You ran down here
just to say hi
to our substitute teacher?
I can't stop thinking
about her, Gerald.
Look at my homework.
Arnold, you got the disease.
What disease?
You have a crush
on our teacher, Arnold.
A major league crush.
That's all there is to it.
I do not. In fact,
I think she
has a crush on me.
She called on me.
She asked me
to go to the blackboard.
If she calls on you
by name today,
or picks on you special,
then maybe,
just maybe
you might be right.
Before we go over
yesterday's math homework,
I thought we'd start
our section on poetry.
Oh, come on,
every one of you
might be a poet.
But you
don't really know it.
Let me read you
a beautiful poem written
over 100 years ago
by Mathew Arnold.
Mr. Arnold
You see?
Arnold, is there a problem?
Uh, no.
Why don't you
move up to this desk,
right here by me?
So I can keep
an eye on you.
Ooh, teacher's pet.
"Ah, love,
"let us be true
to one another
"for the world which
seems to lie before us
"like a land of dreams
"so various, so beautiful,"
so Arnold.
Arnold, Arnold,
Arnold, Arnold
Arnold, Arnold,
Arnold, Arnold
Hey, listen to this poem.
Man, I'm sick of listening
to your poems.
Why're you
reading them anyway?
Oh, right, your
crush on Ms. Felter.
I like poetry. It has
nothing to do with her.
Give it up, man.
It's hopeless.
Look, I am heading in.
You coming?
I'll be there in a minute.
"But soft, what light
from yonder
window breaks,
"It is the east,
and Ms. Felter is the sun."
Man, that's it,
I'm puking.
Well, guess what?
On Friday night, Arnold
is finally coming over.
I'm gonna make him dinner.
I can't wait to be
alone with Arnold.
Tomorrow night is
the first time I'll be
in my new apartment
with my fiance,
Arnold Skelter.
She said what?
I swear. You,
her, Friday night.
And her.
Friday night? But
But nothing.
You were right.
I thought you were crazy.
But, man, you
read her like a book.
She has a major league
crush on you.
"Oh, I can't wait
to be alone with Arnold."
Did she really say that?
She said it, man.
It is the real thing.
I heard it with
my own two ears.
Heard what with your
own two ears, Geraldo?
Nothing. Come on, Arnold.
We've got work to do.
We do?
Hey, watch the merchandise.
Running. Always
running away from me.
Oh, how I long to match
Arnold's stride,
run with him as one.
Break the tape
at the finish line
of life as Mrs. Arnold
Wait. What
is his last name?
ARNOLD: Why do I
have to wear this again?
Because the clothes
make the man, man.
And during a romantic dinner,
there are three
predominant factors.
Mood, food, and duds.
Clothes, Valentino. Clothes.
Now walk.
Like walk walk?
No, no, no, watch.
It's all
in the attitude, dude.
When you walk,
you have to be conveying,
"You are one
very special mademoiselle."
Where do you
get this stuff from, Gerald?
I'm a man
of the world,
my brother.
Plus, I read a few
of my mom's magazines.
Listen up. There are
three things you have
to watch out for
during a romantic tete-a-tete.
If Ms. Felter
does these three things
it means
that she is serious.
Okay, three things. Shoot.
Okay, number one,
if she folds the napkin
in some special way.
Two, if she puts on
some sappy music.
And three, if she
lights candles.
Napkins, music,
lights candles.
Now let's see you
do the walk and say,
"You set one beautiful table,
my fair senorita." (PURRS)
Do I have to purr?
Yeah, chicks dig the purr.
It could also make
or break the date.
(SIGHS) You set
a beautiful table,
my fair senorita. (PURRS)
Excellent! Very suave.
One last thing
in case of trouble.
I'll be outside
Ms. Felter's apartment.
Just a walkie-talkie
call away. Okay?
What kind of trouble?
When you're dealing
with romance, trouble
is always lurking close by.
Hi, Ms. Felter.
Arnold, what are you
Am I early?
Is this a bad time?
Well, I am
a bit surprised.
I I just wasn't
expecting you
So soon? I knew
I was early. Sorry.
Do you want me to
go back for half an hour
and then come back?
Would that be better?
Well, I uh
Oh, here.
Oh, this is
so sweet of you.
You know what? Come in.
I'm in the middle of cooking.
Come on into the kitchen.
He's a goner.
You're looking
very handsome tonight.
I baked bread. I made
a Caesar salad. Chicken kiev.
And a lemon pie.
Wow! You sure went
to a lot of trouble.
Well, it's kind of
a special night.
Uh, sometimes, my pants,
uh, they talk.
Oh, really?
Well, I better check
on the chicken.
You set
a beautiful table,
my fair senorita.
(CHUCKLES) Muchas gracias.
Ah, enchilada.
Oh, I always forget
how to fold these
fancy napkins.
Napkins? Fancy napkins?
Uh, can I use
your bathroom, please?
Gerald, can you hear me?
Loud and clear.
How's it going?
Did you purr?
No, I forgot.
Man, you gotta purr.
I know, I know. Look,
I think I'm in trouble.
She loves the roses.
She is making a huge meal,
and just started folding
napkins in a special way.
Oh, brother.
She's one determined lady.
But no music yet?
No music.
That's a good sign.
Do you hear that?
I sure do.
Man, oh man,
it sounds like bolero.
Gerald, what do I do?
Arnold, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
It's almost dinnertime.
Shouldn't you be heading
You set a beautiful table,
my fair senorita. (PURRS)
Yeah, yeah, thanks.
Well, I must make
the beautiful table complete.
Gerald, come in.
I think she's lighting
the candles.
Oh, man.
What should I do, Gerald?
What can you do?
Go with the flow.
Did you purr?
Gerald, you're not helping.
You got me
into this situation.
Me? You got the crush, man.
She has the crush.
Gerald, help me.
Oh, man. I gotta move.
Go away, meanie. Shoo.
Arnold, I want you
to meet Arnold Skelter.
He's my fiance.
We're getting
married in June.
Darn glad
to meet you, Arnold.
So, you're Arnold.
There's been
a bit of a mix-up here,
hasn't there?
Yeah, I guess there has.
I'm sorry, I thought
Oh, Arnold,
I'm glad you came over.
I like Arnolds.
You're a good kid.
Thanks. I better get home.
Don't stop being Arnold.
You set a beautiful table,
my fair senorita.
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