Hey Arnold! (1996) s02e17 Episode Script

Eugene Goes Bad/What's Opera, Arnold?

Here we go
HELGA: Arnold!
Hey, Arnold!
Hey, Arnold!
Move it, football head.
KIDS: Hey, Arnold
MAN: (ON TV) Your evil scheme
is now finished.
You have broken the law,
and now you must pay
for your crimes.
It's time to take you
out to lunch.
I knew the Abdicator
would catch that guy.
He always does.
Yeah, that was
pretty cool, Eugene.
He's my hero.
He stands up
for the little guy,
The guy like me.
He's the Abdicator.
Defender of the poor,
the weak, the clumsy.
He's the greatest.
What the?
That's nice, Eugene,
but you know,
he's just a TV hero.
I mean, he's not real.
Well, you're wrong, Gerald.
He maybe a TV hero,
but he's real, all right.
And he'll be
in our neighborhood tomorrow
filming another episode
of The Abdicator.
I can't wait.
Finally, I'll get to see
my hero in action.
When I grow up,
I wanna be just like him.
Ha! Like that's
gonna happen.
At least he has
a dream, Gerald.
It's time to take you
out to lunch.
It's time to take you
out to lunch.
He's my hero.
I can't believe it!
It's him.
It's really him.
This is the greatest day
of my life.
DIRECTOR: And action!
Your reign of terror
has come to a conclusion.
I'm taking you downtown.
Yeah? You, and what army?
Me, and
the army of justice,
honesty, and respect
for all citizens
regardless of race,
creed, color,
or political affiliation.
I like to see you try.
It's time to take you
out to lunch.
This must be
the big fight scene.
The Abdicator will
cream this guy.
See? He's a real hero,
you guys.
Okay, cut. That's a print.
Bring in the stuntman.
Where's the Abdicator going?
Who's that guy?
DIRECTOR: And action!
Okay, cut it.
Good work, Stunt Abdicator.
"Stunt Abdicator"?
Wait a minute. You mean,
the Abdicator doesn't do
his own stunts?
Where is my lunch?
Where is my apricot juice?
Where is my mushroom brioche?
It's Hollywood, Eugene.
I can't believe it.
Come on, people.
I have been working
since 11 o'clock.
And this suit is still
too hot and confining.
What do I have to do
to get some help
around here?
I mean, the last time
I looked in the trade,
I was still
a major television star.
And he's whining like a baby.
That's not the way
the Abdicator would act.
Maybe he's just
having a bad day.
The Abdicator's always honest
brave and polite,
no matter what.
He's a fake, guys.
He's not a real hero at all.
Eugene, what are you doing?
EUGENE: Boo! Boo!
The Abdicator stinks!
The Abdicator's a fake.
Hey, you are
not allowed here.
No fans can
cross the barricade.
Why isn't somebody on this?
You're a fake.
I'm just an actor.
Yeah, well, to millions
of kids, you were a hero.
We looked up to you.
But now I know the truth.
You're nothing but a fake.
Look, kid, it's just
a role I play.
Come on, you're a wimp.
Oh, forget it, Mo,
there's millions of other kids
who'll still watch the show.
I guess so, but
Still, I
Where's my apricot juice?
He's a fake, a fraud.
I-I can't believe it.
Don't forget, Eugene.
He's just an actor.
Arnold, he's a wimp.
As far as I'm concerned,
the Abdicator's a fake.
And if he is a fake,
then there's no reason
to try to be good
or honest anymore.
I think you're
taking this thing
a little too hard, Eugene.
Yeah? Well, maybe I am.
So what?
"How to go bad."
Did you pull that alarm?
So what if I did?
Did you observe a fire
in the vicinity?
Hey, man,
there's no fire.
Pulling the fire alarm
without probable cause
is a violation
of the school code,
and a very serious infraction.
So? Sue me.
All right, that's it.
That's it.
In my office,
right this minute,
young man.
Hey, that's not
my scene, man.
Eugene, what are you doing?
Whatever I want, squirt.
Uh, look, Eugene.
I was just wondering
how things were going lately.
What's it to you?
Come on, Eugene.
You've changed.
Make your point, Arnold.
You're boring me.
That's my name.
Don't wear it out.
Oh, brother.
You used to be
a nice kid.
Why are you doing this?
'Cause it's there.
That doesn't even
make sense.
It's not complicated, Arnold.
I used to be a nice guy,
but somewhere
along the line,
I changed.
And once a guy
like me changes,
there ain't
no changing back.
Got it?
But, Eugene
Later for you.
Hi, Eugene.
Move it, or lose it, spud.
Is that all you got
to say to me?
What else would say
to a punk like you?
Well, it used to be
I thought you might
give me some advice.
It used to be, I thought
you might provide
an example I could
look up to and emulate.
It used to be that
because I'm younger
and smaller than you,
I looked up to you
as a hero.
As an example
of what I might be
when I grew up.
But lately,
since you've been acting
all mean and nasty,
I guess the only thing
you got to say to me is
"Look out for yourself
and the heck
with everybody else."
I used to look
up to you, Eugene.
But now that
you've gone bad,
I guess there's nothing
for me to do, but
Well, go bad too.
ABDICATOR: Last night,
I couldn't sleep.
I kept thinking about
what the clumsy kid said
to me the other day
about how he always
looked up to the Abdicator.
Look, kid, it's no big deal.
Every big star has
one or two disgruntled fans.
I was so troubled,
I woke my neighbor
to borrow a dictionary
and look up the meaning
of "Abdicator."
It means
to give up responsibility,
to abandon your position
without fulfilling
your duties.
I couldn't believe it.
It left me haunted.
This morning I was so upset
I could barely work out.
Look, Maurice,
darling, you are
not a real hero.
You just play one on TV.
That's what I told that kid.
But somehow, it's not
a good enough answer.
Kids need a hero
to look up to.
That little kid
looked up to me
and I failed him.
I abdicated my duties.
I need to take a walk.
Maurice! Wait.
So what if it's
past my bed time?
EUGENE: I'm going out.
And I might not be back
till nine o'clock.
ARNOLD: Eugene!
Eugene, wait.
You're acting crazy, Eugene.
So what? It's none
of your beeswax.
ARNOLD: Eugene
You may not know it.
But there are people
who care about you.
EUGENE: Yeah, right.
Somebody please
help me!
Hey, it's that crazy kid
that was bugging
me today.
Everybody needs a hero.
Please help me.
EUGENE: I'm okay.
Don't worry.
I'll get you down.
I need help here.
BOY: Whoa!
Help! Somebody!
It's that clumsy kid
that told me I stink.
Kids need a hero
to look up to.
Don't worry.
I got you,
clumsy kid.
Wow. It's you, the Abdicator.
You saved me.
You really are a hero.
No, I'm not a real hero.
I'm just
a highly paid TV star.
But I still care
about the kids
who watch my show,
and look up to me.
And I want them
to do the right thing.
Everybody needs a hero.
Thanks, Abdicator.
Call me Maurice.
Eugene, you saved me.
You shouldn't have been
out here to begin with.
I know.
It must be way past
your bed time.
I'm supposed to be
in bed by 8:30,
right after
my favorite show,
Yo, Ernest.
Good. I'll take you home.
BOY: Eugene, you're my hero.
Well, I still say
he's a jinx and a geek.
Yeah, but he's
something else too.
A goof?
No, a hero.
That's corny, Arnold.
Yeah, I know.
It sounded really cool
for a minute.
GERALD: I'll give you that.
But after it sounded cool,
it sounded really corny.
ARNOLD: Yeah, I guess.
GERALD: I mean corny corny
(SCOFFS) Opera?
What a bunch of dorks.
La-di-da, froufrou,
ladies in wigs,
singing a lot of two dollar
words about nothing.
What a waste
of a good field trip.
You said a mouthful, pal.
Opera's for wimps.
Kids, kids, just listen.
Feel the music.
Here's the big finish.
And that was Wagner's
"Ride of the Valkyries"
What do you think?
That really bites.
Stinky, you're entitled
to your opinion,
but I bet by the time
we're finished
with this field trip,
I'll make an opera lover
of you yet.
And this is, of course,
the song of Pagliacci,
the crying clown.
Look at me,
I'm Pagliacci,
the big, sad clown.
And this is what
we'll be seeing today.
A classic tale of power
and faithless love.
The opera, Carmen.
Power and
faithless love, huh?
You got my attention.
The story centers
around the heroine, Carmen
the beautiful gypsy,
who flirts with a young
Spanish officer, Don Jose.
Don Jose is,
how would you say,
charmed by Carmen,
and lets her
escape arrest,
uh, how should I
put this?
Uh, causing harm
to another girl.
Maybe this won't be
boring after all, Phoebs.
Not boring at all, Helga.
Carmen is a great story.
But Carmen forgets
all about Don Jose
the minute she sets
her gypsy eyes on
the torero Escamillo.
What's a torero?
You know, a toreador,
a bull fighter.
Oh my gosh, look,
the show's about to start.
Everyone have
your tickets ready.
Oh, Arnold.
Flamenco dancer
stomping on the stench
of my heart.
Conquistador of my soul.
Would that, at this moment,
I could know
your heart's desire,
my love.
Ruth! Ruth!
If only I could get that
football-headed torero
to feel that way about me
What am I doing wrong?
One side, moron!
BOY: Everybody, quiet.
Figaro, Figaro, Figaro!
Figaro, Figaro, Figaro!
ARNOLD: Hey, Gerald,
what are you doing?
Where are you going?
What's going on?
Uh, are you all right?
Look at me, Arnold.
Look at me!
I'm a I'm a
Big, ugly clown-o
A big sad ugly clown oh! ♪
GIRLS: It's Ruth, it's Ruth.
I'm Ruth McCarmen
And awfully charmin'
I guess you noticed
by the way you stare
You're not bad either
Let's take a breather
And we can talk
about my auburn hair
Her auburn hair
You're standing there
Why don't you
introduce yourself to Ruth
She's like
a flower blossom.
I know she's wicked awesome.
Come on, Arnold.
It's the moment of truth.
My name's Don Arnold
Please have a caramel
Your hair is lovely
Do you like my pants?
They're made of satin
The cape's pure Latin
I had it tailored
in the south of France
The south of France
Your satin pants
Why don't you
ask the lady for a dance?
It's time for your decision.
It's almost intermission.
Hey Arnold, you better
ask her to dance.
Uh Hey!
Cut it out.
Who's doing that?
(CHUCKLES) I had to
shut you up somehow.
You were snoring
louder than the orchestra.
Man, how far
into it are we?
Beats me.
I'm looking for some music
to listen to
until this thing is over.
Second Act.
Now, Carmen will
convince Don Jose
to desert from the army
and join her band
of gypsy smugglers.
All goes okay for a while,
but then this really
handsome guy named
Escamillo comes in.
Ruth is a lightweight
A giggling geek bait
I need to thrash her
That's what I said
Ruth is a loser
How could you choose her
How could you do that?
Football head!
Football head!
Football head!
To show my contempt
her picture I shred
Helga's a viking
Sure is exciting
I'm gonna thump her
Right on the head!
Oh, yeah? How?
With my golden
magic slingshot
Golden magic slingshot?
Golden magic slingshot?
I thought it was spear
and a magic helmet.
With my golden
magic slingshot
Hey, Ruth.
Scene's over, bonehead.
Ruth? Hmph.
Just like I stated
She's overrated
A big no-brainer
with enormous feet
Why not forget her
I'm so much better
My name's Carm Helga
And I'm awfully sweet
She's awfully sweet
Such tiny feet
Her name's Carm Helga
And you two should meet
Come join my band of gypsies.
We're touring 50 cities
With you
my gypsy band will be
Perfect. What could
possibly be better
than this?
HAROLD: Hold it!
GIRLS: Haroldamillo!
It is Haroldamillo.
Thank you very much.
I'm so fine
The girls know I'm divine
The thing is I'm sublime
It's really true you know
Check out my cuspidor
I'm what you're looking for
Helga, won't you
dump this guy
And come to my bullfights
Bullfights, huh?
Bullfights and sword fights
rolling in my norm
Blows to the head
I can endure
Fighting bulls is
All I want in life
Plus I could use a wife!
And several pairs of tights
In shades of blue
Helga, please say, "I do"
ARNOLD: Wait a minute.
On guard.
Cafe au lait!
Fight, fight, fight.
At last, my dream comes true.
Arnold my true love,
saving my honor,
dueling to the death.
Be still my beating heart.
Hush my distempered breath.
I said, "Hush my
distempered breath."
Thank you very much.
(GIGGLING) Don Arnold.
My love.
Arnold! Don Arnold!
Wait, my love. Wait!
Don't go.
So, how was it?
It was
Wasn't that great, Helga?
It was okay.
It just ended too soon.
GERALD: The opera!
What a waste
of a good field trip.
Contests of brute strength
Wrestling in the mud
GERALD: I'm looking
for some music to listen to.
KIDS: Curly's the best
GERALD: Hmm. That's right.
It sound good, it's right.
KIDS: Arnold's a dud
GERALD: Figaro, mm!
Helga you should
really get a clue
GERALD: Whatever you say.
That's right.
What's a Torero?
Curlamillo's for you!
Arnold is last week's news
He's overdue
GERALD: Figa-ro, ro, ro
Curly's the one for you
GERALD: This is over.
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