Hey Arnold! (1996) s04e11 Episode Script

Weird Cousin/Baby Oskar

MAN: Here we go
HELGA: Arnold!
Hey, Arnold!
Hey, Arnold!
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey Arnold!
ARNOLD: Look, Lila.
Evil Twin II.
Maybe we could
go next Saturday?
Gosh, I don't
think so, Arnold.
I really don't
like scary movies.
Okay, then,
how about this one?
The Enchanted Bunnies
of Happy Forest.
It doesn't look scary.
You're right, Arnold.
It looks sweet.
Just, ever so sweet.
Only I'd rather
that we didn't go see it.
How come, Lila?
I mean, you love
that kind of movie,
don't you?
Well, yes.
Just ever so much.
Then, why don't you
wanna go see it?
Oh, it's not
the movie, Arnold.
Well, to be just
perfectly honest
it's you.
Oh, don't get
me wrong, Arnold.
You and I are really
good friends and all
but as I've told you,
oh so many times
I just don't
like you, like you.
And, well,
going to a movie together
sounds kind of like a date.
You understand, don't you?
Actually, Lila,
I'm not sure I do.
I mean, you and I get along
so great,
and we have
so much in common
that I really don't get
why you don't like me,
like me.
Gosh, Arnold!
I suppose it's
because you're just not
that, oh so special someone
I've been looking for.
That's all.
I'm ever so sorry.
Anyway, I'm certain
I ought to be getting
home now.
I'll see you later, Arnold.
See you, Lila.
(SCOFFS) Arnold's burned
once again by Lila.
HELGA: The undeserving object
of his most stupid
boyhood affections. Ha-ha.
And yet, here I stand
pathetically lurking
in the shadows,
busting with desire
for my beloved
only too timid and shy
to tell him how I feel.
Oh, Arnold!
What is thing called love?
What is this crazy
little emotion
that makes our stomachs
churn all tapsy-turvy?
Our knees buckle.
What is this wacky feeling
that makes us feel attraction
for one person,
and total repulsion
for another?
ARNOLD: Helga?
Who are you talking to?
Um, no one, football head.
I wasn't talking
to anyone.
I was singing.
Singing a song.
Not that it's any
of your business.
Oh, Arnold.
Where in the heck
have you been?
I've been waiting
for you all day.
I was at school, Grandpa.
School? What were
you doing at school
when you knew darn well,
your cousin Arnie
was coming today
for his four week vacay?
Oh! Arnie!
Sorry, Grandpa.
I totally forgot.
Well, thanks to you
I had to spend a whole day
with the little weirdo.
Arnie? Are you in there?
It's me, Arnold.
Hey, Arnie.
How's it going?
What you been up to?
I've been reading
the ingredients from
the shampoo bottle.
That's really interesting.
Did you have
a good flight?
Yeah. I read the ingredients
on the back of this
little bag of peanuts.
So, Arnie, what's your deal?
You know, uh,
what're you into?
What're your hobbies?
I like to count things.
Count things?
Suzie, what kind
of stupid answer is that?
What? He's an idiot.
He is not an idiot.
He's just a little shy.
What else are you
interested in, Arnie?
Plain-flavored gum.
Okay, so maybe
he is a little slow.
What a loser!
Oh, he's so ugly.
I cannot look at him.
That's amazing, Arnold.
He looks just like you,
only he's a lot uglier,
and he talks kinda like you,
only he's a lot dumber.
I hate to say it but
to tell the plain truth,
your cousin's
dull as dirt.
I know, Stinky,
but he's family,
so I appreciate it
if you could be
nice to him,
and just try to like him.
I collect lint.
I saved this from my
brown corduroys
last summer.
Do you wanna touch it?
Oh, Nadine, would you
look at the time?
We're gonna be late
for that, that
Thing we have to do.
Hurry, Nadine. Hurry.
Oh, man! What a dweeb!
Well, okay, Arnold.
I'll be nice to him,
and I'll even try
to like him.
But it's hard to believe
anybody could beat down
and truly like someone like
your poor, sorry cousin Arnie.
See you tomorrow.
GRANDPA: How 'bout that,
shortman, the little dweeb's
got himself some plans!
ARNOLD: Yeah, looks like
I'm on my own tonight.
I think I'll go see a movie.
ARNIE: Polysorbate 80,
monosodium glutamate,
yellow dye number 5,
Gosh, Arnie.
It's just ever so impressive
the way you read
all those big words.
I'm gonna go get
some popcorn.
Hello, Arnold.
What're you doing here?
I thought you said you
didn't like scary movies?
Well, I'm certain I don't.
This is Evil Twin II.
Oh, gosh!
Um, Lila.
Can I talk to you in private?
Look, Lila, I appreciate
you being nice and all
but you don't have
to hang around
with my cousin just
because you feel bad
You don't have
to spend time with Arnie
just because, well
because he's weird.
I'm afraid you've got
it oh so wrong.
I don't feel bad for Arnie,
and I'm certain
I don't think he's weird.
As a matter of fact,
I've fallen madly
in love with him.
I'm in love with him, Arnold.
He's the boy of my dreams.
Let me get this straight.
You don't like me
but you like Arnie.
Well, yes.
How can you possibly
prefer him to me?
Gosh, Arnold.
I suppose it's just
because Arnie has that
oh so special something.
This is better than any movie.
I still can't understand
how Lila could prefer
your plain,
homely, dull as dirt cousin
Arnie over you, Arnold.
STINKY: I mean,
you're no Dapper Dan,
but you sure
are better-looking
than Arnie,
and you're sure a lot
more fun to talk to
but she just likes him better.
Look at her glow.
Stinky, shut up.
What did I say?
Hey, football head.
How's it goin'?
Are you still upset because
your cousin got your girl?
How can she
prefer him to me?
Well, maybe he's just
got that
certain special something
she's looking for.
Oh, come on, Helga.
The guy collects lint.
I can't stand looking
at them anymore.
ARNOLD: It's driving me crazy.
Look, Arnold,
if you want to get Lila
to stop liking Arnie,
why don't you just
pretend you're in love
with another girl?
That way Lila will be
jealous and come
falling back to you.
Oh, come on. That won't work.
This just in, Arnold.
Girls don't like you
if they know you
like them.
They don't?
No. Girls only like you
if they think you
don't like them.
So, if Lila thought
you were all goofy
over some other girl,
she'd dump Arnie
like a bad dream
and fall right back
in your lap.
You really think
that would work?
Trust me.
Okay, I'll do it.
But who can I get?
Oh, I don't know.
There must be
someone around here.
How about Phoebe?
Arnold, please.
No one's ever gonna
be jealous of Phoebe.
Too geeky.
Yeah, right.
Like Rhonda Lloyd
would ever pretend
to be your girlfriend.
Well, what about you?
Well, talk about a crazy idea.
But what the ham,
I'm in good mood.
I guess I could
help you out.
But don't say I never did you
any favors, Arnoldo.
HELGA: All right,
Romeo here's the plan.
You sit behind me
and start brushing.
When Lila rounds
the corner with her
homely little friend,
she'll see us and instantly
go green with envy.
You want me to brush your hair
to make Lila jealous?
Did I stutter, loverboy?
Now have a seat
and get to it
before I change my mind
about helping you.
Here they come.
I can't believe
I'm actually gonna do this.
Oh, Arnold,
that tickles.
Oops, excuse us.
No way!
This is where
I draw the line.
Oh, come on, football head.
It's a great idea,
besides, they're looking
over here right now.
Gosh, Arnold sure
is spending lot of time
with Helga lately.
Look, I got you a present.
LILA: Here,
I'll open it for you.
It's French.
I thought you
might enjoy reading
the ingredients
in a foreign language.
There's something
I have to tell you.
Gosh, Arnie!
Whatever it could be!
Hey, Arnie.
Could I talk to Helga
alone for a minute?
I broke up with Lila.
You broke up
with Lila! Why?
Well, the thing is I realized
I have other feelings.
What kind of feelings?
He dumped you?
Arnie dumped you?
You're kidding.
No, Arnold.
I'm ever so serious.
Look, Arnie, you're talking
in circles. Spit it out.
What the heck
are you trying to say?
I love you.
Excuse me?
I'm really sorry, Lila.
I just don't
understand it,
after all, we got
along so great.
We had so much
fun together,
and ever so much in common.
Well, maybe he just wasn't
that oh so special someone
you've been looking for.
Yeah, maybe.
Anyway, Arnold,
thank you ever so much
for comforting me.
Anytime, Lila.
Now, could I ask you a favor?
Sure, Lila.
Could you please take
your hand off my shoulder?
As I've told you
over and over,
I don't like you,
like you,
I just like you.
I want us to spend every
waking moment together.
Let me tell you
about myself.
I like gum
and I like counting things,
but most of all,
I like gum.
ARNIE: I also like
reading the ingredients
on food packages.
It's kind of my hobby.
OSKAR: Suzie,
make me a sandwich.
In a minute Oskar.
I'm ironing your pants.
Why can't you do both
at the same time?
(SIGHS) Oskar!
You know how much
I have to do.
Why can't you just
help out a little bit?
You know my cousin Nancy
is going to be here
any minute with her baby.
I just want a sandwich.
When Nancy gets here
with the baby
I want to know
that I can count
on your help.
It will be a lot of work
having a baby in the
house, you know.
Come on, Suzie,
make me a sandwich.
Here we are.
Oh, look at you
You're such a big boy,
aren't you?
And listen, I've got
everything you'll need
while we're gone.
Two days supply of diapers.
NANCY: Pacifiers,
baby wipes,
baby powder, bottles,
and Oskar's favorite rattle.
Suzie, where is my sandwich?
You know, we named baby Oskar
before we even
knew your Oskar.
Well, I'll see you
in two days.
Ha, thanks so much, Suzie.
You're a lifesaver.
It will be fun having
a baby around
the boarding house.
Yeah, sure, as long
as it stays out of my way.
SUZIE: Oskar.
OSKAR: What?
I was talking to the baby.
Oh. Suzie, I'm hungry.
Make me a sandwich.
I can't right now.
I have to give
the baby a bath.
What for?
It's not going any place.
Oh, Oskar.
All I want is a sandwich.
As long as
the baby is here,
he's going to have
to come first.
But, Suzie,
what about me?
Oskar, please?
I have to practice.
You're not the
only person
in this house.
All you ever think
about is yourself.
What's wrong with that?
Oh, Suzie, it's crying again.
Well, then pick him up
and hold him for a minute.
Not going to pick it up.
It smells.
He probably needs
a new diaper.
Can you just
Oh, come on, Suzie,
that's disgusting.
There is nothing
disgusting about it.
It's perfectly natural,
and stop calling him "it".
He's not an it, he's
a he and his
name is Oskar.
That's another thing.
It took my name,
and now every time
you say Oskar,
I think you're talking to me
but it's always
that little brat.
Get your own.
Suzie, where's my breakfast?
I'm sorry, Oskar.
I'll get it in a minute.
But I'm hungry now.
I know, but I'm feeding
the baby right now.
Well, why can't you
feed him later?
I'm your husband.
You're supposed
to take care of me.
Oskar, please.
You're a grown man,
and he's just a baby.
That's his problem.
Just stop being so ridiculous.
SUZIE: When're you going
to grow up and be responsible?
I'll do it tomorrow.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.
That's all I ever
hear from you.
What's wrong
with tomorrow?
It's a good day.
Oh, sure.
It's a good day for you.
Tomorrow is a grand day
for you
because tomorrow
is the day you'll
get a good job.
Tomorrow is the day
you'll pay the bills.
Tomorrow is the day
you'll grow up
and acting responsible,
but tomorrow never comes
for you does it, Oskar,
because it's always
so conveniently
a day away.
Right, it's always a day away,
just like that song
the little orphan girl sings.
What about today, Oskar?
And what about yesterday,
when I needed your help,
you just loafed around
the house.
When I was trying
to take care
of the cleaning,
and the bills,
and the baby,
all you could do was whine,
and moan, and ask me
to make you a sandwich.
That's right
and you never did.
Because I was busy!
You expect everyone else
to take care of you.
Oh, come on. I don't expect
everyone else
to take care of me.
Just you.
Oh, Oskar!
SUZIE: Oh, Mr. Budnik.
Hello. Right now?
Well, inventory, yes
I understand but I have
Time and a half.
Well, yes, Mr. Budnik,
I'll be there
in 20 minutes.
Are you talking
to me or that rugrat?
Now listen to me carefully,
I have to go to work
for a few hours.
I would have said no,
but we really
need the money.
So, you're going to have
to take care
of the baby until
I get home tonight.
Oh, come on, Suzie.
Why can't you take
it to work with you?
You know I can't take a baby
to the department store
with me.
Now it's only for a few hours.
He'll probably sleep
most of the time
any way.
Nancy's instructions
are on the table
and you can call me.
But, Suzie
Oskar, just do
this for me, please.
Hey, Mr. Kokoshka.
Oh, Arnold.
How's my little buddy?
The thing is I still have
some work to do
on my project
for the science fair
But, Arnold,
I don't know anything
about babies.
OSKAR: And Suzie left me
all alone with it.
Please help me.
MAN: Hello, Oskar,
you old goat.
OSKAR: Ready
to play cards?
Mr. Kokoshka,
what're you doing?
It's my daily card game.
But, what about the baby?
Oh, don't worry.
It won't bother us.
OSKAR: Okay, who's ready
to lose some money?
That's 20 to you, Oskar.
Okay, I see your 20
And I raise you 30 more.
But Oskar, you don't
have enough chips here.
Oh, no problem.
I bet the baby.
Mr. Kokoshka!
You can't bet the baby.
Can he?
Why can't I? It's got
to be worth something.
You can sell it
to an orphanage.
That's it. I've had it.
I can't play poker
with a baby crying
and fussing all the time.
Yeah, and it smells. P-U!
We'll see you
next week, Oskar.
Oh, come on, guys.
I can put the baby
in the hallway.
Just a few more hands.
A royal flush,
are you happy now?
We have to do it,
Mr. Kokoshka.
If we don't,
he's just going
to keep crying.
I would have helped
but I was still dizzy.
It was horrible,
wasn't it?
Look, it's almost 7:00.
I really have to go.
But Arnold, please.
How can you just abandon
a baby like this?
I have to go Mr. Kokoshka.
I can't miss the science fair,
and besides,
he's not my responsibility.
He's yours.
But Arnold, I can't
be alone with it.
I don't even know how
to take care of a baby.
Suzie should
be home any minute.
What're you looking at?
Why don't you say something?
You can't do anything.
You expect everyone
to take care of you.
What're you good for? Nothing.
OSKAR: What can you do?
Just cry, and whine and moan
and make a mess
for other people to clean up.
Oh, you think that's funny?
Maybe it's funny for you
but it's not funny for me
because I'm the one who has
to take care of you now.
Okay, you blow a bubble.
You think that's funny?
Okay, so maybe
it's a little funny,
but I still don't like you.
Hey, let go.
You got a pretty
strong grip.
Well, you think that's
funny too, huh?
So, what do you think?
You like Cat Chow in the
fifth race?
Okay, we put $10
to win
on Cat Chow.
Hey, what's wrong?
Are you hungry again?
OSKAR: Hey, you don't
look so good.
What's the matter?
Stop. Stop making
that noise.
You're scaring me.
Where is everybody?
OSKAR: Taxi!
To Bingo
Out of my way!
To the hospital. Hurry!
OSKAR: Oh, great!
Why does the pope have
to be in town today?
We'll be here forever.
Hey, come back here!
This horrible
Czechoslovakian man
My baby is sick.
If only I took better
care of him.
If only I was more careful.
But I made him sick,
and it's all my fault.
I was responsible.
Please let him
be all right.
If you make him all right,
I promise from this day
I only go to the race track
two days a week.
Oh, and I'm sorry what
I said about the Pope.
Mr. Kokoshka. Mr. Kokoshka!
Baby Oskar is okay?
He had a minor case
of the hiccups.
The hiccups?
Baby Oskar (CHUCKLING)
Thanks so much, Suzie.
I hope he wasn't
too much trouble.
Not at all.
Oskar and I just
loved having him.
Didn't we?
Can you say good-bye?
Say bye-bye.
Say bye-bye. Go on.
What is it baby?
What do you want?
Oh, my
I think he likes you.
I think Oskar
likes the baby too.
Don't you?
Ah, he's okay.
Thanks again for everything.
Oh, Oskar.
I love you.
If you love me
then make
me a sandwich.
Oh, Oskar.
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