Hey Arnold! (1996) s04e17 Episode Script

Dino Checks Out

MAN: They'll find him.
He's a tough, old bird.
He won't go down
without a fight.
OSKAR: I bet you
two dollars he's dead.
What's going on?
GRANDPA: It's about Dino.
There was an
accident, short man.
Ted, as daylight
fades on the Sound,
so do the last
lingering hopes
of rescue workers,
friends and fans
that aging singer,
Dino Spumoni,
might still be
found alive.
Oh, no.
Spumoni remains missing
after reportedly
falling overboard
during an outing
on his yacht
early this morning.
As we await
word on his fate,
let's take a look back
at the singer's career.
The 67-year-old crooner rose
to tremendous popularity
in the '50s
and early '60s.
Topping the charts
with such hits as
"You Better
Not Touch My Gal."
A member of the
notorious Rat Pack,
Spumoni also had numerous
run-ins with the police.
After serving
five days in jail
in 1965 for assaulting
a photographer,
the singer
was philosophical.
ALL: Dino!
It was the worst joint
I ever stayed at.
Outside of Pittsburgh.
But in all seriousness,
I learned my lesson.
You won't see
Dino going around
punching out
photographers anymore.
REPORTER: In the mid 60s,
despite the growing popularity
of rock n' roll and
so-called psychedelic music,
Spumoni tried
to stay on the charts
by adapting his style
to the times.
Wacko wacko wow wow
Wacko wacko wow
REPORTER: Trippin' with Dino
failed to attract
many young fans
and turned off
some of his loyal
older supporters.
Spumoni continued
to live the good life.
A favorite of
the rich and famous,
he was also
a frequent guest
at the White House,
where he reportedly
had the ear
of the president.
DINO: Hey, Lyndon!
I got your ear.
Cut that out.
Let go, you big
Italian nutjob.
Sick him, Yuki.
REPORTER: After his
third marriage
ended in the mid '70s
and his record
and concert sales
began a steady decline,
Spumoni struggled to keep
his failing career afloat.
Duets in the '80s
with Run-DMC,
Guns N' Roses
and Tiffany
gave the singer
momentary boosts.
But in recent years,
Spumoni's career
has bottomed out.
The singer's personal life
has fared no better.
His fifth marriage
to beautician Candy Maldonado
ended in divorce
just six months ago.
But while others abandon
the one-time pop star,
one man stood by him,
Don Reynolds,
his long-time
songwriting partner
and devoted friend.
I always hated him.
He's a selfish,
lowlife ingrate.
I hope he's dead.
REPORTER: And now,
as I read this report
just handed to me
the coast guard
has officially
called off the search,
confirming what has been
all but a foregone conclusion.
Dino Spumoni,
American entertainer,
legend and petty criminal,
is dead at the age of 67.
I can't believe
I win the bet!
You owe me
two dollars.
He was a great singer.
A giant.
REPORTER: And finally,
there's late word that
a note has been found
believed to have been
written by Spumoni
only last night.
It reads,
"I got nothing left.
"My career is a bust
and so is my personal life.
"I took my best shot,
"but in the end,
it all came to nothing.
"So now that I'm all alone
and washed up,
"I might as well say,
Sayonara, baby."
The note is signed
simply, "Dino."
Back to you, Ted.
It's just so sad.
Yeah, I know.
But these things happen.
It's all part of
the great mystery of life.
Can we go
to the funeral?
Well, of course,
we can go to
the funeral, short man.
It would be
wrong not to go.
After all, Dino
started his career
right here
in the boarding house.
We all knew
and loved him.
Plus, there's bound to be
lots and lots of free food!
Oh, boy. I hope there's
shrimp cocktail.
ARNOLD: Grandpa, remember.
Don't make any jokes.
Everyone's here
to pay their respects
and talk about
how much they liked
and cared about him.
You got it.
MAN: What can you say
about a guy like Dino?
He was a mean,
bitter, selfish,
arrogant, back-stabbing
and nasty human being.
But, Dino had
another side to him.
He was also
a sniveling coward.
I think youse all know me,
Candy Maldonado Spumoni,
Dino's last ex.
Dino and I had
two really
great years together.
Then we got married.
Then after that
we got divorced,
and I made
a whole pile of money.
Anyways, we
had our good times.
And even though
he was gone a lot
out on the road,
he wasn't a bad guy.
Oh, yeah,
and he was
really okay
with my wonderful
son, Jimmy.
Jimmy really loved Dino.
Can we go now?
In a minute!
In conclusion,
it's real sad
about Dino's
untimely passing.
But I know he's
looking down on us now
from a beautiful cloud
up in heaven.
Okay, that's it.
Everybody is invited
back to the house to eat.
GRANDPA: Hotdog, I knew it!
Shrimp cocktail!
Oh, sweet Jiminy. Mm.
Who's in heaven now?
Arnold, look, shrimp cocktail.
Dino's lawyer just
invited me to
the reading of his will.
Maybe Dino
left you something,
like an ashtray
or a lawn gnome.
I guess it might be nice
to have something
to remember him by.
Yeah, it will.
Especially if it's
a lawn gnome,
now try this shrimp, Arnold.
No, thanks, Grandpa.
Oh, come on.
It's good!
LAWYER: "As for my
remaining paintings
"and other
assorted collectibles,
"I leave them to
be divided equally
"amongst my five ex-wives,
"except Bunny,
who gets jack squat."
Oh, nuts!
Take me home,
"Because I have
no children of my own
"and because I owe
a pile in alimony,
"I leave the remainder of
my existing cash and assets
"to my most recent
ex-wife, Candy."
Can we go now?
In a minute!
And finally,
Mr. Spumoni
has directed
in his last will
and testament that
Oh, boy. "All earnings
from future sales
"of my records, videos
and all other media
"current and in perpetuity
"in this universe
or in any other
"including planets
inhabited and, or,
ruled by apes,
"shall we be awarded
to my one good
and loyal friend, Arnold."
"In addition,
I'm leaving Arnold
my collection of custom suits
"and a box of assorted
personal mementos."
GRANDPA: Well, it won't amount
to much money, Arnold.
Dino's records
aren't selling.
But it was nice of him
to think of you.
Why would he leave
all this personal stuff to me?
Maybe it was just a whim.
Or maybe he's getting
senile in his old age.
Or maybe he just likes you.
Shrimp cocktail?
It's from the funeral.
Those rubber
pockets paid off.
Look at all this.
His old pictures
and records.
Ooh, a paperback copy
of I, the Jury.
I'll just hang on to this
for you until you turn 10.
It's almost like Dino
left his whole life
in my hands.
Not his whole life.
Just a bunch
of his old things.
There's a big difference.
Lives are messy.
Old things are fun.
Take me,
for example.
I just wish I could
have done something.
Oh, Arnold.
I heard
your friend died.
Well, don't
feel bad.
I mean, he was
an old guy.
And that's what
old guys do.
They die.
And besides,
he wasn't that good
of a singer, anyway.
MAN: Psst.
Who said that?
MAN: Over here.
Who's there?
It's me, Dino.
Come on.
Who is that?
is that you?
No, it's me, Dino.
Dino Spumoni.
What? But, I mean,
you can't be, Dino.
In the flesh, baby.
But you're
supposed to be
Dead? I know.
But I'm not.
I'm alive and kicking.
Only, everybody
thinks I'm dead, except you.
It's all part
of my plan.
Your plan?
That's right. My plan.
I'll tell you all about it.
First I need a favor.
Yeah, this will
do just fine.
So, let me
get this straight.
You faked your own death?
That's right.
I faked my own death.
All part of my plan.
I jumped overboard
and swam to shore.
Nobody knew
I could swim. Nobody.
But I've been taking lessons
on the sly for weeks.
That was the key, baby.
The key.
I knew they all
figured I was a goner.
But why?
Record sales.
I don't get it.
It's simple.
My record sales
were down.
It was like
I was a forgotten man.
Old, washed up,
a has-been.
Then it hit me.
Most artists don't
get really famous
till after they're dead.
Take that crazy painter.
What's his name?
Van Gogh.
Works all his life,
never sells a painting.
They day after he croaks.
Bing, bam, boom.
Every schmo in town
starts ponying up big dough
for his pictures.
The poor clown
gets rich and famous
practically overnight.
That's what
gave me the idea.
I fake my own death,
my records start
selling like Van Goghs.
But I got one up
on that carrot
'cause I'm not
really dead.
How are you gonna
get the money
from your record sales
if everybody
thinks you're dead?
That's where you come in.
See, I figure I leave
all the money to you.
You cash my checks
and bring back the green.
But what about
your family, your friends
and your career?
How could you just
give up your whole life?
What life?
Five ex-wives,
a career in the toilet,
a house I can barely pay for.
Sixty-seven years I spent
putting a life together.
And what did it come to?
Bupkis, baby.
But, Dino, you made everybody
think you were dead.
I mean, a lot of people
felt really sad about it.
It was kind of
a mean thing to do.
Hey, what do you
want from me?
It was the only way.
I had to do it.
Well, what are
your plans?
I mean, you won't
be able to go out
or see anybody.
Oh, well, I hadn't
thought of that.
At least I'll have
the green, baby.
'Cause you'll be
cashing my checks.
'Course, I'll give you
10% for your trouble.
That's only fair.
That's okay, you don't
have to pay me anything.
Don't be a chump.
Take the money,
cash the checks
and bring 'em back here.
It's a perfect plan.
I'll live here
in the boarding house
just like I used to
when I first got started.
My records will
sell like hot cakes,
we'll both rake in the cash
and everything
will be fine.
Dino, I think
your whole plan
is crazy.
I think you should
just tell everyone
you're still alive,
and apologize
and get on
with your life.
Ah, what do you know?
You're just a kid.
My plan is
fool-proof. Trust me.
But, what if
the boarders hear you?
Tell 'em it's rats.
The next thing
I know, it's gone.
A whole hoagie.
It just vanished
into thin air.
Now, tell me
that's not strange.
Strange. Really strange.
And I'm always
hearing noises.
Humming noises.
It's very creepy.
I heard something
moaning in the basement.
So I got up my courage,
and I got Suzie to
go down and investigate.
But when she
went down there,
it was gone.
Maybe, it's Rats?
Rats? There's no rats
in the boarding house.
Except Oskar.
That's right.
There's no rats.
But, Dino, they're
starting to get suspicious.
They've heard noises
Okay, okay, relax.
From now on,
I'll be extra careful.
Quiet as a mouse,
I promise.
Trust me, nobody's ever
gonna know I'm here.
Who's that
in the shower?
I told you something funny
is going on around here.
Looks like
the jig's up, kid.
You knew
about this, Arnold?
I knew about it,
Mr. Potts.
Well, how long
did you think you
could keep it from us?
Well, Dino didn't
I mean, if the ghost
of Dino Spumoni
is drifting around,
haunting our own house,
that's something
you tell people.
That's right.
A ghost!
Dino's ghost!
Uh, that's right.
I'm a ghost.
The ghost
of Dino Spumoni.
And I just want
to let youse all know
now that I'm a ghost,
I'm living here now.
And if you
don't like it,
youse can all
just lump it.
We capiche.
This is ridiculous.
They think
you're a ghost.
I know,
it's perfect.
I'm a ghost.
I can come and go
any time I feel like it.
I can play music,
write songs,
and make as much noise
as I want without
anybody bothering me.
But it's all a lie.
You're not a ghost,
and you're not dead.
You're just pretending.
Why don't you
come out of hiding
and let everybody know
you're still alive?
What are you,
a mamaluke?
I got a good thing going.
I'm a ghost.
What could
be more perfect?
DINO: Ah, crud.
The ghost
of Dino is angry.
We must offer him
a big fish.
To make him
not so angry.
His stomach will be full,
and then he will go away.
That's the stupidest
idea I ever heard.
Let's do it.
With this
offering of a fish,
I pray that
the ghost of Dino
will find peace
and go to a better place.
And we will not be
haunted by his angry wrath.
This is just
like the old days
when I was starting out.
Writing songs
for the fun of it.
I was living right here
in the boarding house.
I'd work all day
at my lousy
construction job,
come home,
iron my one good shirt,
polish my shoes,
put on my second-hand suit,
go down and play
late night clubs
for peanuts.
Those were the days.
Sounds great.
Hey, get a load of this.
It's brand-new.
Oh when the dust clears
I'm not the one
I took my share of lumps
But I'm still standing
The words are pretty screwy,
but the melody swings, baby.
I can't wait to
play it at the Palace.
Yeah, that would be nice.
Except, you can't
play it at the Palace.
Why not?
Because you're dead.
Oh, yeah. I forgot.
Then I guess nobody
will ever hear any of these
new songs I've been writing.
Ah, well,
what's the difference?
Nobody wanted to
hear my songs
when I was alive.
Why would they want
to hear 'em now
when I'm dead?
I'll see you around, kid.
can I talk to you?
I don't know. Can you?
It's about Dino.
I'm not supposed
to tell anybody
but the truth is,
Dino's not really a ghost.
GRANDPA: Oh, I know.
ARNOLD: You know?
Of course, I know,
I may be feeble-minded,
but I'm not stupid.
How did you know?
Ghost don't take showers.
They take baths.
So you don't mind
if Dino stays
in the boarding house?
Dino's in the boarding house?
Good gravy! We can't
Kid, I'm kidding.
Arnold, these
are the jokes.
He's pretending
to be dead
because he thinks that
nobody cares about him
or his music anymore.
And I told him
it was crazy
but he wouldn't
listen to me.
That's because
he's an idiot.
He's acting like
a big baby.
But don't worry,
he just needs time to
work out his problems.
He'll come around.
I guess you're right.
You know, for a 9-year-old,
you sure like to
take the weight of the world
on your shoulders.
You ought to
be out playing
with your little friends.
Why don't you
go out right now
and play some stickball,
or go see a movie?
Grandpa, it's 2:00
in the morning.
There's always a downside
with you, isn't there?
It's simply
the height
of must-do.
What's going on?
Oh, Arnold.
Haven't you heard?
It's only the hottest
ticket in town.
Everyone who's anyone
is going.
DINO: Dino Mania,
not the real Dino
but an incredible simulation.
Younger and better-looking
than the original.
Now playing at the Roxy.
What a bunch of crap.
He's getting
really big.
A lot of people
are going.
He's playing
all your old songs,
and dressing
and acting like you.
He's selling out concerts,
and even making records.
Let him try.
"Dino Mania."
Oh, brother.
I know that bum.
He's a two-bit
wedding singer.
It'll never last.
The public will
know the difference.
Trust me.
Everybody! I bought tickets
for Dino Mania. My treat!
Hey. Great!
I've been
wanting to see that.
Shh. Don't tell the ghost.
but an incredible simulation.
Dino Mania,
you'll get all the hits,
including "Smashed",
"The Doll Can Swing"
Look at that punk.
Where does he get off
doing my act?
Ray Doppel,
the star of Dino Mania
has become an
overnight sensation,
selling out concert halls,
making television appearances
and hit records
featuring cover versions
of Dino Spumoni's songs.
He takes his new role
so seriously
that he prefers
to be called Dino.
Even when he's
not performing.
Call me Dino.
Amazingly, the new Dino
has even started
dating the old Dino's
most recent ex-wife.
Candy Maldonado Spumoni.
He's an incredible
He's going out with Candy.
And look, that clown
is in my house!
He's wearing
my kiss-the-cook apron.
He's playing
with my dog!
Call me Dino.
That's it. I can't
take any more of this.
Why don't you do
something about it?
What are you talking about?
What could I do?
I'm dead, remember?
I'm history,
a has-been, a ghost!
You could come back
if you wanted to.
Ah, what for? I got
a good thing going here.
Why mess it up?
You've got a little room
in a boarding house
and a hot plate.
The only person on the planet
who doesn't think you're
either dead or a ghost is me.
Like I said,
I got a good thing going.
You said your old life
was so bad.
But, now that somebody else
is living it for you,
it kind of sounds
like you're jealous.
Jealous? You're crazy.
Was your life
really that bad
that you're willing
to just give it all up?
The Palace.
And step on it.
You know something?
You look just like
that gentleman
Dino Spumoni
who kicked the bucket.
How about that?
Excuse me, sir.
Where's your ticket?
Oh, that's okay.
I don't need a ticket.
I know, I know.
You're Dino Spumoni.
That's right.
Look, you wanna pretend
you're Dino Spumoni,
that's okay with me.
But if you want to see
the concert, you gotta
have a ticket.
You don't understand.
See, I'm the real Dino.
Yeah, yeah.
Get in line
with the other ones.
What are you talking about?
What other ones?
How's youse all doing tonight?
I'm Dino Spumoni.
And I want to
welcome everybody
to my little shindig.
You know, in all my years
as Dino Spumoni,
the one thing that's
meant the most to me
is the love I feel
from my fans.
The way you've always
accepted and embraced me,
Dino Spumoni, well,
I've gotta tell you,
it just knocks me out.
In fact, if you took
all the love there is
in this room
and put it
in a rocket ship,
it could fly
around the moon
and all the way back
to the solar system.
If Dino were alive
to see this clown,
he'd go crazy.
Dino, you big jerk.
I miss you, buddy.
Why did you
have to die?
Here's a little number
that I, Dino Spumoni,
have been
singing for years.
You better not touch my gal
Or I'll pop you
In the kisser pow
You better not even try
Or you'll be looking
At a big black eye
So listen good
You stupid hood
I'll give you
To the count of 10
You better not
Touch my chick
Or I'll beat you
With a big fat stick
You better not nose around
Or I'll pop you
Like a pop-up clown
I'll give you
Till the count of 10
You'll never eat solid food
You stole my act,
you two-bit punk.
What do you
think you're doing?
You're not supposed
to be here. You're dead!
And this is
my concert.
I'm Dino now.
In your dreams,
you fake.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I want to apologize
for the disturbance
here this evening.
Uh, the thing is,
I'm Dino Spumoni.
The real Dino,
not an impersonator,
not a simulation,
not a ghost.
Hey, Oskar,
he's not dead.
I want my
two bucks back.
I know, I know.
It's kind of a shock.
And I want you all to know,
I'm real sorry about
that whole "I'm dead" thing.
It was just a crazy
cockamamie plan I had
that didn't work out.
It took a good friend of mine,
a kid named Arnold,
to make me see
how stupid I was
to throw away
a whole life and career
just 'cause I was
going through a rough patch.
But, anyway,
that's all over now,
and I'm back.
That is, if anyone
still wants me back
after what I did.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Well, youse all
came to see a show.
Seeing as how I just
KO'd the headliner,
maybe I could fill in.
I mean, I may
not be Dino Mania
but I am an
incredible simulation.
This here
is a new song
about the old days.
Days when I was
just starting out.
The days before I sold out
and became a big, fat joke.
The days when I
used to really swing.
Tony, give me a C.
Stick with me, baby,
'cause we're going places.
Round one I was strong
This right never wrong
Oh, I was
The number one contender
Round five
And a crunch
Slip a jab
Took a punch
But I never bowed
To those pretenders
Don't count me out
'Cause when the dust clears
It won't be me
They're dragging out
I took my share of lumps
From all those
Lousy two-bit chumps
But I'm still standing
Don't count me out ♪
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