Hey Arnold! (1996) s05e03 Episode Script

Sid the Vampire Slayer/Big Sis

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
Hey, Arnold!
Hey, Arnold!
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
I vant to suck
your blood.
No, get away!
I reckon that lady
should've wore herself
a turtleneck, Arnold.
MAN: The vampires have
They are everywhere.
You must know
what signs to look for.
to sunlight,
aversion to garlic
and thirst for blood
are all marks of vampirism.
If you find yourself faced
with one of these ghastly
your only recourse
is immediate elimination.
Boy, oh, boy,
that movie sure
was a hoot.
So, what should
we do next?
Stop by the arcade,
get an ice cream cone?
Play some baseball?
I vote for all the above.
Uh, no thanks, guys,
I gotta get home.
You know,
before it gets dark.
Sid, it's 3:30.
Yeah, well, better
be safe than sorry.
I don't wanna be outside
when the night walking
blood thirsty vampires ghouls
come out in search
of blood.
Willikers, Sid,
I never knew you were
such a dang scaredy cat.
I'm not scared, Stinky,
I'm just
Just playing it safe,
that's all.
Oh, yeah, then what
are you hanging around
with me for?
On account of
I'm a vampire
And I vant to suck your blood.
(SCREAMS) Cut it out, Stinky.
Oh, relax, Sid,
I'm just pulling your leg.
Besides, everyone knows
vampires ain't real.
Stinky's right, Sid.
Yeah, well,
I'm not taking
any chances.
I'll see you guys tomorrow
in the daylight
Willikers, what
a dang scaredy cat.
I vant to suck
your blood.
No (PANTS) get away,
Wait a minute.
It was just a dream.
There's no vampire.
(GASPS) Boy, howdy.
I really gotta
try and relax.
Uh, hey, Sid,
how's it going?
Oh, fine, Arnold,
I'm not thinking
about vampires at all.
In fact, I'm perfectly
Now that is some serious
eye wear, Stinky.
Thank you, Rhonda.
Not only do they
keep the sun
out of my sensitive eyes,
but I think they make
me look right snazzy.
Garlic bread, Stinky?
No, thank you, ma'am,
I never touch garlic.
Thank you for
your enthusiasm, Stinky.
But the blood drive
is for faculty and staff
(SIGHS) That's too bad,
on account of blood drives
are among my all time favorite
school functions.
SID: It's incredible, Arnold.
It's just like in the movie.
First the guy came
to the class
wearing those sunglasses.
Turns down
the garlic bread at lunch
and then he gets excited
about a blood drive.
A blood drive
for faculty and staff only.
Slow down,
what you talking
I'm talking about Stinky,
Arnold, and the fact that
he's a vampire.
Oh, come on, Sid,
a lot of people wear
it doesn't make
them vampires.
Neither does not liking
garlic. And as far as
the blood drive goes,
I bet Stinky was just
excited about the free
cookies they give out.
You're wrong, Arnold,
Stinky's a vampire
and I'm gonna prove it to you.
Just you wait and see.
"The first step in proving
that your friend is a hideous,
underhanded creature
"of the night is to find out
if he has a reflection.
"If the suspected evil-doer's
image does not readily
"in a mirror or
a photograph,
he is most likely a vampire."
See, Arnold? I told you,
Stinky's a vampire
and this picture proves it.
There's nothing
in this picture.
Of course, there's nothing
in this picture.
Because vampires have
no reflection.
They can't be photographed.
Stinky's dark powers
caused this picture
to come out empty.
Oh, come on, Sid.
Stinky doesn't have
dark powers and this picture
doesn't prove anything.
Except maybe that
you don't know how
to use a camera.
Fine, don't believe me,
it does't matter.
'Cause there's lots more
proof where this came from,
you'll see.
"The second step
in determining whether
or not your friend
"is a monstrous
blood-sucking demon
"is to find out if he has
unusually large, protruding
eye teeth,
"i.e., fangs."
Check it out, Arnold.
Pretty scary, huh?
It's a baloney sandwich,
It's not just
any baloney sandwich,
it's Stinky's baloney sandwich
and it has huge fang marks
They're just teeth marks,
now cut out all this
crazy vampire talk
and give Stinky
his sandwich back.
Hey, where's my sandwich?
All right,
I'll give
the sandwich back.
But Stinky is
a vampire.
Trust me,
you'll be a believer
soon enough.
"The third step in figuring
out if your friend is a
grisly, night walking fiend
"is to catch him
in the transformed state
of big, hairy vampire bat."
've finally got it, Arnold,
the mother of all proof.
What is that?
It's Stinky, Arnold.
In his hideous
vampire bat state.
I caught him last night
flying around his yard.
You've got to be kidding.
No, I'm completely serious,
I stopped him and caught him
with my hat.
Now I know what
you're gonna say.
How can I be sure
I got the right bat?
I know that I did,
because I saw this one fly
right out of Stinky's room.
Plus, Iggy told me that
Stinky wasn't on the bus
this morning
and that can only
mean one thing.
He stayed home
sick today?
No, that I've got him.
Right here.
Sid, you're completely crazy.
There is no way
that that bat is Stinky.
Arnold, no, wait,
what are you doing?
Arnold, I can't believe
you let Stinky go.
Now he's gonna seek
revenge on me for sure.
He's gonna come after me
and suck my blood.
(SOBS) I'm doomed.
Doomed. (SOBS)
You are not doomed, Sid.
Yes, I am and now my
only chance of survival
is to go to Stinky's house
tonight and eliminate him
before he eliminates me.
Fine, if that's the way
it's gonna be, then I guess
I have no choice
but to go with you.
That's great,
'cause I could use your
help for destroying Stinky.
I'm not going
so I can help you.
I'm going so I can
prove to you once
and for all
that Stinky
is not a vampire.
I don't see anything.
Wait a minute, there he is.
Hmm, that's kind
of odd.
SID: Odd? Arnold,
he's wearing a cape.
Look, I'll admit that
Stinky's outfit
is pretty strange
but it doesn't
prove anything.
Come on.
Arnold, look.
That is weird.
See, I told you.
I know what it looks
like, Sid,
but there's no way
The guy's in there
sucking on the neck
of a goat,
what more do
you need?
That proves it.
The final nail
in the coffin.
So to speak.
Anyway, the point is,
Stinky's a revolting fiend
and he must be destroyed.
I know it's unusual
but I'm sure it's all just
one big misunderstanding.
Misunderstanding? The guy
just climbed into
a wooden box.
Let's just go inside
and talk to him.
Talk? You can't talk
to a vampire,
he'll hypnotize you
with his ghoulish gaze.
We've gotta take action.
What is that?
It's my vampire elimination
It's a rubber squeak toy.
Give me a break,
it was the best I could do
on short notice.
Anyway, I've got a plan.
I'm gonna climb up
the side of the house,
sneak inside
and surprise Stinky.
Then I'm gonna
eliminate him
You wait here
and keep guard.
(SIGHS) Sid, wait.
STINKY: Heya, Arnold,
what brings you by
at such an unreasonable hour?
Thinks I'm
a vampire?
Uh-huh and he's sneaking
into your upstairs window
right now
with a rubber sword
to come and eliminate you.
Why in the heck
would Sid think
I was a vampire?
Well, for one thing,
you're wearing
that cloak.
What about that goat?
I mean, we saw you bite
its neck.
And what about
that coffin?
Aha! At last, I have
reached the dark one's lair.
Prepare to face the music,
Arnold, what
are you doing here?
I told you wait
outside and keep watch.
It's okay, Sid,
I've talked to Stinky
and everything is fine.
He's not a vampire.
Oh, no, Stinky has already
gotten to you.
He's hypnotized you,
and bit your neck
and turned you
into a blood-guzzling
Hey, who are you calling
a blood-guzzling phantom?
Uh, I don't know, Stinky,
maybe the guy wearing
a cape?
It's not a cape,
it's his night shirt.
All the Petersens wear 'em,
the hard collar protects our
large, yet delicate ear
from the cold.
Yeah, right.
And I'm sure you
have a clever explanation
as to why you were
maliciously sucking the blood
out of the neck
of that poor, innocent goat.
It's his taxidermy project.
He wasn't sucking its blood,
he was just biting off
a thread.
See? It's stuffed.
I seen a loose thread
and I bit it off with
my teeth.
Yeah, right and I bet
that coffin over there
isn't real either.
It's not a coffin, is it?
Of course not,
it's a tanning bed,
Pa reconverted it.
We got us
a patent pending.
I'm sure that's
exactly what you what
me to think, vampires.
Now prepare
to be eliminated.
Come on, Sid,
enough is enough.
STINKY: Quit acting like
a dang fool.
Get away I say,
get away, you worm
ridden vampire jerks.
All right, we'll get away,
but first you have to look
over your shoulder
and tell me what
you see.
Yeah, right. You just wanna
distract me so you can bite
my neck and turn me
into an unclean
spook like yourself.
I wasn't born
yesterday, you know.
Sid, just look,
would you?
Okay, okay, I'll look.
But don't you try
any funny stuff.
What do you see?
I see two ghoulish,
horrible vampires
in a mirror.
How can we be vampires
if we have reflections?
Wait a minute,
that's right, vampires
don't have reflections.
So that means
you can't be undead
after all.
That's what I've been
trying to tell you
this whole time.
Wow, I guess I must've let
my imagination
get the best of me.
You can say that again.
I sure am sorry, you guys,
I bet you think
I'm a real dope.
Pretty much,
but it's okay, Sid.
Sorry again for accusing
you of being a depraved
monster, Stinky.
Don't mention it.
Oh, there you are,
little guy.
I was wondering
where you went.
Boy, you ain't gonna
believe the crazy night
I've had.
Some fellows came by
and actually accused me
of being a vampire.
Can't imagine
where they got that idea.
HELGA: Stupid, dumb selfish
Olga and her stupid, dumb
annoying ways.
Why can't she just
stay away for good?
And leave me
the heck alone.
Is something wrong,
you're stabbing at
a drawing of your sister
with a big, red crayon.
Yeah, so criminey,
am I supposed to be
happy that my sister Olga's
coming home today
for an unbearably long
two week visit?
No, I guess not.
That's right, Arnold,
and do you know why?
Because every time Olga comes
home it's a total nightmare.
Maybe this time
things will be different.
Maybe you'll get
What makes you think
I want it to be different,
hair boy?
I mean, I don't even like
Olga, let alone want to
to get along with her.
So thanks for your
sunny optimism, Arnoldo,
but don't hold your breath
'cause things between
Olga and me
are never gonna change
and that's that.
Oh, brother.
BOB: Surprise, Olga.
Welcome home, dear.
Oh, it's just the girl.
We thought you
were Olga.
Sorry to disappoint you.
Mommy, Daddy.
Olga, you're home.
Oh, we missed you
so much, honey.
Wait a minute,
where's my baby sister?
Right here, Olga.
Helga, you're such a silly,
quit hiding behind that door
and come give your sister
a big ol' smooch.
Now, be a good girl
and stand over there
with Mommy and Daddy
so you can hear my
very, very exciting news.
I, Olga Pataki,
have agreed to lend
my talents
to the world renowned
extremely important
social welfare program
known as "Big Sis, Little Sis"
during which time
I will act as a surrogate
big sister
to a poor, lonely,
only child in need.
Isn't it fantastic?
That sounds great, Olga.
That's very exciting,
Wait a minute,
let me get this straight.
You're saying that
you're gonna be busy
this whole, entire visit
Being a sister
to someone else?
I'm afraid so, Helga.
Guess we'll just
have to hang out
next time you're home.
I guess, unless you think
you'd like to spend some time
with me and my new little sis.
Wow, sounds great, Olga,
but I have to go
my Wrestlemania trading cards
for the next two weeks.
Okay, then, I'll see you
at dinner, baby sister.
Oh, man, talk about luck,
Olga's gonna be busy
palling around
with some other kid
for the next two weeks
and I won't have to spend
any time with her at all
BOB: Looks great, Olga,
now go call the girl
down here,
so we can eat it.
Ooh, goodie,
that's gotta be
my little sis.
I invited her over
for dinner and
a slumber party.
I hope you guys don't mind.
Little sis?
I'm Lila and I'm ever
so certain that
you must be Olga,
my new big sis.
I still can't believe
you brought me orchids,
Gosh, Olga, you're just
ever so welcome.
"Ever so welcome"?
Just listen to you.
You are just
the cutest thing.
So, Loli, you and Helga
know each other
from school?
we're in the same class.
That's good. Girl
could use some nice,
little friends like you.
(SCOFFS) Yeah, right.
You say something,
little lady?
Good, now who's ready
to eat?
How about you, Lila?
You like this fancy kind of
Olga food?
It's goulash, Daddy.
A favorite recipe of mine
from the far away land
of Azerbaijan.
I hope it's not
too foreign for you.
Not at all, Olga.
Goodie, 'cause I made
a Moroccan Maraschino
tart for dessert.
That sounds,
oh, too yummy.
It is, it's positively
Oh, I think I'm
gonna puke.
You can sob all
you want, Norma.
But all the tears
in the world aren't
gonna help you now.
Please, don't go, Jack.
You're too late, sister,
I'm already gone.
(SOBS) No, Jack,
(SOBS) No, please.
I'll do anything
You know what, Lila?
This reminds me of exactly
how I felt when I took
a cinematic studies class
at my school.
Every day, we would watch
one of these really old
sad movies
and at first, I found myself
feeling bad.
But then luckily
I found a way
to cheer myself up.
Whatever did you do?
Well, one day after class,
I went to my dormitory
and I put on
some loud, happy music
and before I knew it,
I was dancing all around
and feeling much better.
I bet you think
I'm just a big old silly.
I'm certainly thinking
nothing of the sort.
I like to do the very same
thing when I'm feeling blue.
What are we waiting for,
sweetie? Let's go cheer
ourselves up.
Ooh, boy, these two
are unbelievable.
LILA: I'm feeling just
ever so much better.
Me too.
Only there's one more thing
I need to do to put that
award-winning Olga Pataki
smile back on my face.
What's that?
Tickle fight!
Man, how cornball
are these two gonna get?
I'm, oh, so certain
that I just love having
a big sis.
And I'm certain that I just
love having a little sis,
Especially one
as perfect as you.
I wasn't aiming
for you, Arnoldo.
I was trying to hit Lila,
the most perfect little sis
in the whole world.
Helga, Lila's
an only child.
Not since she teamed up
with Olga
and started this whole
big sis, little sis thing.
Now, they're completely
It's the worst.
What's so bad about it?
Shouldn't you be happy
that Olga's
hanging around with
someone else
besides you for a change?
Well, I am happy,
football head.
It's just that
It's Lila
and I don't know,
she and Olga are just
driving me nuts.
That's all.
If I didn't know
better, I might think
you were a little jealous.
Jealous, hah,
I'm not jealous, Arnold.
I just don't want those
two pathetic girly girls
hanging around together,
because they're just
way too annoying,
that's all.
Then why don't you
go tell Olga how you feel?
Maybe she'll get
a new little sis.
Yeah, right, like
Olga would ever
listen to me
and besides, I've already
decided to deal with the
situation in my own way.
Hope you enjoy
getting all dressed up,
big sis.
'Cause you and little sis
sure ain't going anywhere
Oh, no, no,
I can't believe this.
Our tickets.
They're gone.
What are we going
to do, Lila?
Pardon me, girls.
I have two extra tickets
if you don't mind sitting
with me
in my exclusive
private balcony.
Exclusive, private
That's ever so generous.
Hope you enjoy your
little drive in the country
today, Olga.
'Cause without any motor oil,
you and Lila sure ain't coming
back anytime soon.
Oh, no.
What's happening?
Well, I guess we'll just
have to get out and walk
until we find
a service station.
You young ladies
need some help?
I'm afraid we've experienced
some technical difficulties.
Well, I'll be happy
to take you to
the service station,
but not before you join me
and my family for a big,
hearty, country breakfast.
Ooh, that sounds
really scrumptious
Thank you ever so much.
Hope the girls are in
the mood for a little
excitement today
'cause their planned
horsey ride with old
Buttercup here
is gonna be
really wild. (LAUGHS)
OLGA: Look, little sis,
there's Buttercup,
my favorite horse
in the whole park.
He reminds me, oh, so much,
of a pony I had back
on the farm, big sis.
Once around
the park, please.
What the
OLGA: Oh, no!
Oh, my goodness.
Buttercup's gone
completely crazy.
It's okay, Olga,
I know just what to do.
Oh, please be careful,
little sis.
You saved my life,
oh, I just love you so much.
Criminey, nothing
is ever going to force
these two apart.
None of my evil schemes
are working.
When are you just
going to admit the truth?
What are you doing,
football head, stalking me?
Your sister's hanging out
with Lila and it bugs you.
No, it doesn't.
You just took apart
their carriage with a wrench.
So, what's your point?
Either you are really
crazy or you're really
Look, Arnold, how many
times do I have to tell you,
I am not jealous.
If you were really
not jealous,
then why don't you
just leave Olga and Lila
And coming up next,
My Darling Little Sis.
A dedication from Olga Pataki
to her favorite little sis
I can't take this anymore.
Bonsoir, baby sister.
Did you finally finish
your trading cards?
'Cause if you did,
you can come night sailing
with Lila and me.
Actually, Olga,
I don't think that's
a very good idea.
You don't?
No, you see
I've been thinking
and no matter how much
I hate to admit it
when I see you and Lila
together, I get kind of,
well (SIGHS)
I get kind of jealous.
Whatever are you
jealous about?
(SIGHS) Look, Olga,
even though we may not
always get along,
even though we're not
very close and even though
most of the time
you bug the living
heck out of me,
you're still my big sister
and I just don't like
sharing you with
somebody else.
Well, let me assure you,
pumpkin, despite what
you may think
in that silly, little
head of yours,
you have absolutely
nothing to be jealous about.
I don't?
Of course not.
Lila may be
my little sis
but she'll never be
my baby sister.
No matter how much
I may like Lila.
No matter how much
we may have in common.
She and I will never
have a bond as strong
as the one
between you and I.
A bond between
real sisters.
Yes, really.
What you and I have
is special, Helga.
It's completely
and utterly untouchable.
Now, that's gotta
be Lila.
What do you say
you put on your best
little sailing outfit
and come out with us?
Oh, little sis.
I just love night sailing
on this moonlit bay
with you.
Not nearly so much
as I enjoy sailing on
with you, big sis.
This reminds me of
a song I know.
Ooh, don't tell me.
We were sailing along
On Moonlight Bay
We could hear
The voices singing
What was I thinking?
They seemed to say
You have stolen
my heart
And gone away
As we sing our moonlit song
On Moonlight Bay
On Moonlight Bay ♪
Oh, my,
where's Helga?
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