Hey Arnold! (1996) s05e05 Episode Script

New Bully on the Block/Phoebe Breaks a Leg

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
Hey, Arnold!
Hey, Arnold!
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
Let's run the over-under,
triple-reverse, corkscrew,
Hail Mary terminator.
Uh, is that the one
where I hook left?
Yeah, but then you hook right,
come back around
by the dumpster
No, I go for the dumpsters.
Sid goes out
for that little pothole.
Oh. Right.
Criminy, football head,
why do you always have to make
everything so complicated?
It's a simple game.
Get the ball down the field.
Hey, Arnold! I came here
to play some football,
and I want to play already!
STINKY: Come on, let's go!
ARNOLD: Break.
Down, set. Hut.
Hut, hut, hut!
Ow! Hey,
why don't you wa
Looking for this?
Please, don't
hurt me, Wolfgang.
Hey, Wolfgang,
that's our ball.
Sorry, I can't understand you.
I don't speak
fourth-grader. (LAUGHS)
Hey, Wolfie, go long!
Come on, give us
the ball, Wolfgang!
Don't fret, Arnold.
He'll probably give us
our ball back
when he's finished.
Yeah, he usually does.
(SIGHS) Wolfgang.
I wish he found somebody else
to beat up on.
LUDWIG: Hey, monkey-face.
Who you calling monkey-face?
You, butt wad.
You wanna dance?
Maybe later, but right now,
I want you to clear out
of my vacant lot.
Your vacant lot?
BOTH: His vacant lot?
Yeah, my vacant lot.
Hold on a minute.
This lot was full of junk
when we found it.
And we cleaned it up
and turned it
into Gerald Field.
Where were you guys?
Yeah, well, I'd been away
at juvenile hall
for a couple of years.
But this used to be
my vacant lot.
Oh, yeah, I think
I remember you.
Your name's Ludwig, right?
You've grown.
That's right,
and I'm reclaiming
my vacant lot, football face.
I'm in charge of you
fourth-grade wussies now.
Hey, those are my
fourth-grade wussies.
Put the football head down.
KIDS: Fight, fight, fight.
you're dead, man.
Come on, you guys.
Sheesh, what a couple
of baboons.
At least Wolfgang's
got this new Ludwig fella
to wail on instead of us.
But, you guys, that's our lot.
It's the only place we've got.
Well, I say we sit back
while those two jerks
kill each other.
And then, when they're dead,
we can have our lot back.
I don't know, Sid.
I don't think
it's gonna be that easy.
Strike one!
Coming through.
Hey, watch it!
We're trying
to play football here.
Hey, you watch it, fruit cup.
We're playing soccer.
Who you calling
fruit-cup, cheese-breath?
You want some of this?
Yeah, let's go.
Okay, loser.
Come on!
KIDS: Fight, fight!
What a waste of
a good vacant lot.
We got to do something
about it, Gerald.
Arnold, until those
two bullies either give up
or finish each other off,
there ain't nothing
we can do about it.
SID: Hey, Arnold,
Gerald, heads up!
BOTH: I got it! I got it!
(SIGHS) This really bites.
We have to get
our game off the street.
Doy, Einstein.
You got any ideas?
we could just make
some kind of a deal with them.
You know, get 'em to share
the lot without fighting.
KIDS: Fight! Fight!
Yeah, that's likely, hair boy.
I mean, look at 'em,
they're beating the crap
out of each other.
I'm afraid I concur, Arnold.
They don't look like
they're in much of
a deal-making mood.
Listen, you guys,
we'll never know until we try.
We just gotta
walk up to 'em and tell 'em
how it's gonna be.
Who's with me?
I'll cover you.
Look, you guys,
we have at least
as much right to use
the vacant lot as you do.
From now on, we want you
to share it with us,
what do you say?
So, now what, football head?
Okay, I've got another plan.
How about if we get 'em
to play a football game
against each other?
Wolfgang and Ludwig.
What for?
Winner take all.
The loser has to go
play somewhere else.
Then we could make
a deal with whoever wins.
Arnold, how hard
did they hit you?
You're talking crazy, man.
I'm serious, Gerald.
It could work.
Yeah. Have you told
them about it?
Not yet.
Well, well, if it isn't
the football head.
Come around
for another beating?
Actually, Ludwig sent me.
Ludwig? What for?
To tell you that
you're the toughest.
He gives up. He quits.
About time he figured it out.
So the vacant lot
is all yours, Wolfgang,
starting today.
Why don't you come by,
and, uh, you know,
look the place over?
Say after school?
No, I've got
oboe lessons till 4:00.
Okay. Right after 4:00, then.
Yo, kid, give me
your lunch money.
Hey, Ludwig.
Hey, it's football face.
What do you want? (SIGHS)
Wolfgang sent me to tell you
that he gives up.
He quits. He says
you're the toughest.
So, the fruit cup
finally wised up.
Yeah. Anyway, the vacant lot
is all yours, starting today.
Wanna come by and, uh,
inspect the place,
you know, after school?
Okay. Like a little
after 4:00? 'Cause I got
tap dancing lessons.
Little after 4:00 is great.
Wait a minute.
Give me your lunch money.
Hey, what's he doing here?
What's he doing here?
BOTH: What are you
doing here?
I invited you both.
What for?
To settle this thing
over a football game.
Whichever one of you wins
gets to use the vacant lot.
And the loser has to go find
another place to be the bully.
You can't make us
do anything, football head.
What, you don't think
you can beat Ludwig
in a game of football?
What are you talking about?
I'd kick his butt.
Oh, yeah?
Then you're on!
Fine! My guys
against your guys.
Okay, you know the drill.
Stop sign's first base,
manhole covers second,
chocolate boy is third.
Sid, you watch for cars.
Let's do it.
Hold up.
I got a better idea.
Why should we kill each other?
We'll use
the fourth-graders.
What are you talking about?
We'll split 'em up
into teams, stupid.
You and me coach.
Winner gets to
run the vacant lot.
Oh, no.
I am not gonna be part
of your dumb little
football game.
I can't believe
I'm part of their
dumb, little football game.
It'll be worth it, Helga.
You'll see.
Okay. I pick tubby.
Hey! My name's not Tubby.
It's Harold.
And I want to be on
Wolfgang's team.
Tubby, shut up
and get over here.
Okay, we play till the sun
sets behind that wall.
Call it for the kickoff.
Tails. You kick off, wussies.
Okay, huddle. Here's the plan.
I have a plan.
Give me the ball. Really,
just give me the ball!
Shut up, four-eyes.
You, you, and you go long.
You throw it.
Three, seven, four.
Hut, hut, hike!
Come on, let's get it back,
you bunch of lightweights.
(GROANING) Oh, I hate Ludwig.
I hate Wolfgang.
And I hate you, Arnold.
Yeah, well, I hate everybody.
And you're sitting on my leg.
Hut, hut, hut. Hike!
Come on, we're down.
We need to score here.
Just give me the ball, okay?
Give me the ball!
(SIGHS) Gosh, shut up!
You, button hole.
On three, break.
Ha-ha! Tied again,
You got lucky.
No luck, dude. Just talent.
Okay, we're looking good.
Come on, give me the ball.
Give me the ball!
(SIGHS) Okay.
The weird little freak,
we're ahead anyway,
if you'll shut up
I'll give you the ball.
This time give him the ball.
Down, set. Hut, hut, hike!
Okay. Now we need
another ball.
nice play, Coach.
Your fourth-graders
are fallin' apart!
Ow, dude.
Only a minute to go.
You gotta kick another
field goal, football head.
But that would
only be a tie.
Better than losing.
Come on, Arnold,
make the kick. Break.
why are we doing this?
Come on, take a dive,
miss the kick.
Then, Ludwig wins,
and our nightmare is over.
Helga, I've got an idea.
Have you noticed those two?
It's like they're turning
into friends or something.
I mean, look at them.
Aw, dude!
What's your point?
Well, if they tie it up,
maybe we can all get along
and use the lot together.
Arnold, you are such an idiot.
(SIGHS) What a guy.
Whoa, awesome game, dude.
You rock, man.
No, you rock, man.
Seriously, dude,
you're that good.
Dude! Dude! Dude!
Dude! Dude! Dude!
Dude! Dude! Oh, Dude!
Dude! Dude! Aw, Dude!
Uh, dudes,
since there's no winner,
maybe you can be friends now,
and share the vacant lot.
Like I said
in the first place.
Yeah, it'll be great.
We'll be buds
and run the lot together.
And we'll keep all the
wussy fourth-graders out.
Wait a minute. That wasn't
what we agreed on
when we started the game.
Since when do we have
to do what you say,
wussy fourth-grader?
HAROLD: Hey, come on!
That's not fair!
Now what, football head?
We have two bullies,
and no vacant lot!
Looks like
we'll have to go to plan B.
What's plan B?
I'll tell you
as soon as I think of it.
Dude! Dude! Dude!
Dude! Dude! Dude!
Here you go, Helga.
I said sharp, Phoebe.
These are duller than
afternoon tea with my granny.
Redoing. Ouch!
Burger and fries,
chocolate milk,
two bendy straws,
and hop to it, Pheebs,
I'm starving here.
I'll see you on the bus,
Helga. I'm off the library
to return a book.
Oh, great. You can
take mine back, too. They're
only a few weeks overdue.
Shouldn't cost you
more than 10 or 20 bucks.
Um, Helga,
since my excursion
to the library may take
a few more minutes
than previously anticipated,
do you think you could
please do me a little favor
and hold the bus?
Sure thing, Pheebs.
She couldn't even do
that one thing for me.
Um, excuse me,
Your Royal Highness. I thought
you might be pleased to know
that I finally finished
spit shining
all the palace floors.
Excellent. Now,
cleanse my royal feet,
polish my royal scepter,
and delouse the royal dog.
Um, Your Royal Highness,
since my forthcoming
royal duties
may require more dexterity
than perhaps Your Greatness
has anticipated,
do you think you could
please do me one little favor?
Me do a favor for you?
Well, yes. You see,
I was wondering if you could
please remove my shackles.
They're quite prohibitive.
Oh, that's funny.
That's terribly,
terribly funny.
Please, please,
if you could just do
this one little thing
for me
A favor? A favor?
Pheebs, could you do me
a favor on your way to school?
I need you to pick up
my dry cleaning.
It's only 10 or 12 blocks
out of your way.
And why don't you grab me
a dozen donuts, too?
Those chocolate
cream-filled ones
with the pink frosting
and little heart-shaped
sprinkle things? Thanks.
No problem.
Perhaps my dream meant
nothing at all.
Perhaps it was merely
an absurd fantasy,
its players and contents
having nothing at all
to do with reality.
On the other hand,
if I were to interpret it
in a more literal fashion,
I'd have to conclude
judging by the rather
overt symbolism
that I'm currently
experiencing negative feelings
about certain inequalities
in my relationship
with Helga.
Phoebe! Look out!
Hmm. I wonder what
all the fuss is about.
(CHUCKLES) Bet Wartz pulled
the old groin muscle again.
What the
ARNOLD: Poor Phoebe.
STINKY: Yeah. With all of
Helga's wardrobes
obstructing her view,
she never even saw
the dang bus comin'.
GERALD: Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Getting mowed down
by a bus doing errands
for Helga Pataki?
Now that is truly sad.
I guess you're right, Gerald.
If Phoebe hadn't been
doing favors for Helga,
this probably wouldn't
have happened.
Oh, dear sweet Phoebe.
What have I done?
Phoebe! Oh, I must
go to her right away.
I must beg her
for forgiveness.
I must right to her
whom I have so wronged.
I only pray that
I'm not too late.
Oh, poor innocent Phoebe.
This is all my fault.
If I hadn't sent you
on the senseless errand
of picking up dry cleaning,
and chocolate
cream-filled donuts
with the pink frosting
and little
heart-shaped sprinkles,
this horrible catastrophe
would've never happened.
PHOEBE: Helga?
Phoebe, you're okay!
Of course, I'm okay.
I just have
a minor stress fracture
on my lower leg.
Minor stress fracture?
Oh, that's wonderful.
What am I talking about?
It isn't wonderful,
it's horrible.
It is?
Of course, it is, Phoebe.
It's horrible
because I did it to you.
I mean, think about it.
If I hadn't put you under
so much stress this morning,
if I didn't make you
change your normal
safe schedule,
you wouldn't have walked
in front of that bus
and this never
would've happened.
Helga, it was
just an accident.
Oh, no. Don't try to
take the blame, Phoebe.
This is my fault,
and I'm gonna
make it up to you.
And so, until that cast
comes off your leg,
until you're
completely healed,
until your very serious
minor stress fracture
is a thing of the past,
I, Helga G Pataki,
am going to be
your humble servant.
And I'm going to
treat you like a queen.
A queen?
And don't try to
talk me out of it.
Well, okay, Helga.
I mean, if you insist.
You reorganized my desk
and stocked it
with fresh supplies?
Whenever did you
find the time?
I came in last night,
slipped the janitor a 20
and he let me raid
the school store.
Gosh, Helga, thanks so much.
Wow, that's quite
a selection.
Ha, you kidding?
This is just the first course.
Gee, Helga,
you sure are good to me.
I saved it for us.
You mean you reserved us
the incredibly exclusive
left-side front seat?
Yup. I mean, sure,
old Betsy here
had to put in
a little overtime,
but eventually
I got the job done.
Really, Helga,
you shouldn't have.
But I'm so glad you did.
So, what's
the diagnosis, Doctor?
Am I going to be laid up
for a few more weeks?
On the contrary, Phoebe,
you're ready to get
your cast off today.
You mean, I'm healed?
Quite miraculous, actually.
Anyway, I'm ready
to return you
to your normal life.
My normal life?
HELGA: These are duller than
afternoon tea with my granny.
Hop to it, Pheebs,
I'm starvin' here.
They're only
a few weeks overdue,
shouldn't cost you
more than 10 or 20 bucks.
Um, Doctor,
do you think
I could keep my cast
once it's removed,
you know, as a souvenir?
It'll only be
for a little while longer.
And besides, what harm
could it do anyway?
I mean, after all,
what Helga doesn't know
certainly won't hurt her.
(CHUCKLES) Perfect.
Hey, Phoebe.
How are you feeling?
Things are just great.
Though I'm sad to report
that I'll have to
have my cast on
for a few more weeks.
HELGA: A few weeks,
I hope it's not gonna be
too much of a problem for you,
because, if it is,
I suppose I could try
and wheel myself around.
Problem? Of course not,
Phoebe. Like I said before,
I'm here to serve.
Broccoli cheese-puff
casserole, fruit juice,
chocolate pudding cup.
It's great, Helga. Only,
only I'd really prefer
tapioca pudding.
I mean, if it's not
too much trouble.
Coming right up.
See? I cleaned and reorganized
the whole thing
just like you asked.
Thanks, Helga.
Now, do you think you could
alphabetize the books for me?
Yeah, sure, Pheebs.
No problem.
Why don't you
take the aisle today, Phoebe?
You can have more room
to stretch out your leg.
Actually, Helga,
I'd probably be
more comfortable
if you sat over there.
Helga taking orders
from Phoebe?
There's something
you don't see every day.
Willikers, you ain't kiddin'.
It is pretty weird.
But once she
gets her cast off,
things will probably
go back to the way they were.
(STRAINING) That's it.
I can't take it anymore.
Phoebe? Where are you going?
It's okay, Helga. I'm just
getting a little exercise.
You're sure? You're sure
you don't need my help?
I'm fine.
What are you doing?
Uh, nothing.
Nothing at all.
Your cast, it isn't real.
(SHAKILY) What are you
talking about, Arnold?
Of course it's real.
Phoebe, I just
saw you take it off
and put it back on.
Maybe it was real once.
But now? Now it has hinges.
Okay. So, what
if it is a fake?
It's a free country.
I can fake a broken leg
if I want to.
I guess. But why
would you want to?
No reason.
Phoebe, this doesn't
by any chance have anything
to do with Helga, does it?
Yeah, because of the way
she treats you.
Well, of course not, Arnold.
That's completely ridiculous.
I mean, just because Helga's
been waiting on me
hand and foot
ever since the bus accident
that was essentially
her fault,
doesn't mean that I've
falsely prolonged my injury
in some kind of
passive-aggressive attempt
to reap the benefits
of her guilty conscience,
and simultaneously give her
a taste of her own
bossy medicine.
Good, because treating her
the same way she treated you
really wouldn't
solve anything.
I completely agree. Anyway,
I'll see you later, Arnold.
(STRAINING) Helga, I need
a pillow adjustment.
That's enough, thank you.
Really? Are you sure
you don't need a little more
lift on the left?
I'm sure.
So, Helga, what's for lunch?
You see, I was up
late last night
thinking about
your nutritional needs
and decided
that you really
shouldn't be eating
this cafeteria food.
And so, homemade
avocado rolls.
Ooh, they're exquisite.
On second thought, Helga,
I'm not really
that hungry right now.
Are you sure?
If you'd rather
have something else,
I've got some
backup lunches in my locker.
Maybe later.
I brought four shampoos.
I wasn't sure
which one you liked.
Ooh. How about
pomegranate passion?
Come to think of it, Helga,
I don't think I want
my hair washed today.
It's my fault, isn't it?
I should've brought you
more choices.
No, Helga.
Honestly, it's not you.
(SIGHS) Maybe this whole
situation's gone far enough.
Maybe I just ought to
call the whole thing off.
Maybe it's time
that I admit it to myself
that I can't possibly
fake my injury forever.
Here's your math book,
notebook and calculator.
Wait here while I run
across the street
and call a cab
for your appointment.
My appointment?
Yeah, today's your day with
the Swedish massage therapist.
Now, I'll only be a second.
No, Helga, wait.
That's it. I can't
do this anymore.
Arnold was right. This has
everything to do with Helga.
And what I'm doing to her
is no better than
what she was doing to me.
PHOEBE: Helga.
Phoebe, your leg!
You're healed!
That's great. Now,
could you call me
an ambulance?
And so, I faked my injury
because I found that I
really liked you doing things
for me for a change.
Oh, I'm sorry, Helga.
I should've just told you
how I was feeling
in the beginning.
Wait a minute.
Are you saying that you felt
like I was taking advantage
of you or something?
Well, yes.
You mean, you felt
I was making you do
too much stuff for me
and I wasn't doing
enough for you?
Oh, wow.
But I always thought
you liked doing things for me.
Well, I do, Helga.
But sometimes I wish things
were a little different.
I guess I wish sometimes
you'd do things just for me.
Okay, Phoebe, I could do that.
Oh, sure.
From now on, it's not
all gonna be about me.
Uh, could you get the door?
It's gonna be
about me and you.
As far as doing favors
for each other,
it's gonna be even-steven.
Hey, snag me one of those
fruit cups, would you?
From now on,
everything's gonna be
much better. You'll see.
No, not L, Phoebe. B, B, B.
B pressing.
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