Hey Arnold! (1996) s05e22 Episode Script

Simmons' Documentary/Big Bob's Crisis

MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
Hey, Arnold!
Hey, Arnold!
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
Students, it is
my great honor to announce
that, our very own
Mr. Simmons has been chosen
as this year's city-wide
Teacher of the Year.
Oh, thank you, thank you,
thank Thank you all!
Now, there's
even more exciting news,
a film crew is
coming into your class
in three days,
to film you in action.
The documentary will be called
A Day in the Life
of a Classroom.
They want to film me teaching
and all of you learning.
The documentary will
be shown on TV
on the Knowledge Channel.
I can't believe
we're gonna be film stars.
Do we have to wear
anything special?
Or prepare
any particular speeches
or presentations?
Can I have a cameo?
Are they bringing
us lots of food?
The answers
to all those questions are no.
The documentary team
just wants to capture
a typical day
in our classroom.
Nothing pre-planned
or out of the ordinary.
STINKY: I'm gonna
slick back my hair.
HAROLD: I'm gonna
pretend I have no teeth.
SID: I'm gonna stick
my finger up my nose.
This is gonna be great.
All those lights and cameras.
I mean, just think,
all those people watching
our class on TV,
watching you
and how you teach,
and everyone in the class,
and everything they do
and say.
There's gonna be
millions and millions
of people watching you.
You are right, Arnold.
You are so right.
What was I thinking?
I have to prepare.
Prepare what?
What is this garbage?
It appears to be
a 23-page script
of a day in the life
of our classroom.
Well, I wouldn't call it
a script, per se, Phoebe.
It's merely
a collection of suggestions.
But I thought they were making
a documentary, Mr. Simmons.
Yeah. I thought
they just turn on a camera
and film
whatever the heck we do.
Well, this is just
what all of you could say.
It's not like you have
to say exactly what I wrote.
Hey, get a load
of this stellar dialogue.
"'Who can tell me
what the state capital
of Nebraska is?'
"All the students'
hands shoot up.
"'Oh, my, all of you know.'
"'Well, Mr. Simmons,
you're just such
an inspiring teacher,
"'it was fun and easy
to learn geography.'"
What you read was
out of context, Helga.
Now, what I want us to do
is just review this,
uh, collection
of suggestions a few times.
I just don't want
anyone to be nervous
when the film crew is here.
"Aw, I'll never understand"
Oh, no. No, no.
Not yet, Harold.
Not till I say "action."
You two should switch places.
It'll be much better.
Do Harold
and I switch lines, too?
No, read the line
after your name, thanks.
Everyone ready? And, action!
You have
the first line, Harold.
Sorry. I felt
a huge burp coming up,
and I was trying
to keep it down.
Okay. Again.
And action!
Oh, right. (BURPS)
"Uh, I'll never learn
how to multiply decimals."
STINKY: "Never say
never, Harold.
"It may seem like
an in-sur-mountable
challenge now"
This documentary is
gonna take three hours
with these numbskulls.
Cut, stop.
Non-supportive remarks
do not help the process.
Please, people, please.
Uh, Mr. Simmons,
is it "insturmountable"
or "insurmountabley"?
Neither. Let's start again.
Energy. Ready? Action.
"I'll present
my book report first."
"No, I want to."
I believe
that's my line, Sid.
"I'm better prepared,
I'll go."
"I'm also prepared"
Hey, that's my line.
No, it's not.
Read your script.
Oh, I'm tired.
Can I sit down now?
I'm lost.
Mr. Simmons, if we're
required to do book reports,
do we need to choose a book?
Don't worry
about the book report.
We can use old ones.
But ain't that cheatin'?
No. No. Not technically.
Mr. Simmons, can we take five?
We have a lot of work to do!
A lot of work!
Now let's all calm down
and take it again
from page 11.
Oh fudge. The bell.
Nobody move!
Tonight you have
one responsibility.
Go home and practice,
practice, practice.
Yes, Rhonda?
Should we do our own makeup
or will the crew do it?
Do your own. Now, remember,
tomorrow is showtime.
The film crew will be
here in
Mr. Simmons, I don't think
this is such a good idea.
This script
Arnold, it's
a very good idea.
It's just not
working right now.
Oh, I have a lot
of preparing to do.
Go, go, go,
go now, and practice.
Aw! I just hate this!
I have
so many lines to memorize.
Yeah. This script
is just a bad idea.
The film's supposed
to be spontaneous.
Well, it ain't gonna be,
football head.
Come on, Pheebs. Let's go
practice being spontaneous.
Cut, that's a wrap.
I must have fallen asleep.
I've gotta get dressed.
Helga, please unhand Harold.
Curly, no improvising.
Keep your scripts near,
so you can refer to them.
Now, remember,
the important thing is
to have fun
and be yourself
and not be nervous. Oh
Sugar! I don't
have time for this. (YELPS)
Mr. Simmons?
I'm Daniel Newton. I'm here
to direct the documentary.
Oh! Oh, my, yes.
Okay, you're here.
Class, the director is here!
Let's all say, um,
hi to the director.
KIDS: Hi, director.
Uh, you can just
call me Daniel.
Hi, class!
Well, I'm ready
to get started
whenever you are.
Oh, but Daniel, don't you have
to set up, put up lights?
Mr. Simmons, I'm
a documentarian.
My job is to stay
out of the way,
to be invisible,
and just film
everything I see.
You teach and I'll document.
I film the truth.
So, we should just start?
We already have!
We have. We have!
Certainly. I just want
everyone to be natural.
Natural. Okay.
Uh, so, I guess we've started.
Uh, please remember
what we've been talking about
the past couple of days.
So, let's begin.
(SIGHS) Today, class,
we are beginning
our math section on decimals.
Oh, come on, now.
So, who wants to start up
at the board? Harold?
Oh, yeah.
Ooh, I will!
Okay, great. Then come on up.
You have to be
quicker with your lines.
Stinky, why don't
you join Harold?
Uh, okey-dokey, Mr. Simmons.
Howdy, I'm Stinky.
Cut! Stinky,
you can't do that.
(SIGHS) You can't
talk directly into the camera.
Why are you still filming?
Can we stop?
I don't feel
like this is going well.
(CHUCKLES) We can start over.
But you just have to forget
that the camera
and I are here.
Okay. Oh,
could you say "action,"
and then we'll start?
It makes it more special.
Today, class, we're beginning
our math section on decimals.
Oh, come on, now.
So, who wants
to start up at the board?
Ooh, I will!
Okay, great. Then come on up.
Stinky, why don't
you join Harold?
Okey-dokey, Mr. Simmons.
ARNOLD: Should I read
Harold and Stinky
the first decimal problem
from our math book?
Oh, that would
be perfect, Arnold.
Hello. I'm just delivering
this brand-new,
state-of-the-art stapler
you requested.
But I didn't
request a stapler.
Well, go ahead.
Keep it anyway,
Teacher of the Year.
Hurray for me, yes
I'm on the TV ♪
So, where were we?
I was going
to read a math problem.
"I'll never learn how
to multiply decimals."
Never say never, Harold.
Hey, you skipped
a bunch of pages, Harold.
This is a disaster.
No kidding.
I'd rather watch paint dry.
People, no!
Harold, why don't you try
the math problem
before you give up?
Okay. You're right.
Hey, I'm I'm really sorry
I skipped all those pages
in the script.
Arnold, why don't
you read the problem?
Sure. "12.58 times 15.32."
Sorry, Mr. Sim
Not now, Harold.
Hey, Mr. Simmons,
should we do the problem
even if we're not
up at the board?
Ixnay on the idea-ay,
Id-say. What a moron.
(GRUMBLES) Oh, no!
This isn't working.
This isn't working at all.
Everyone, stop.
Just stop what you're doing.
Can we stop, please?
None of you are following
the the are
are doing
what we talked about.
They're not cooperating.
Mr. Simmons?
Bad time, Arnold. Bad time.
Oh, why, why,
why can't it be perfect?
So, now what do we do?
Cut to a commercial?
Mr. Simmons,
are you all right?
Oh, I'm fine. I'm just fine.
Ugh. I just wanted
everything to be perfect.
I just wanted to be
the best teacher I could be.
Who am I kidding?
You saw what happened.
But you are a good teacher.
You don't need
a script to show that.
Just be yourself.
Myself. But that's
not good enough.
This is television.
Of course it's good enough!
You're the Teacher
of the Year.
And you should be.
We all like you
because you love to teach
and make it fun
for us to learn.
That's all
the documentary wants to show.
Not a perfect day.
Just a regular day
in our classroom.
And, so I apologize
to all of you
for going
a little nutso there,
and wanting everyone
and everything to be perfect.
I know Daniel just wants to
film a regular, unscripted day
in our special,
exciting classroom.
So, let's do it! Action!
People, our show's
about to start.
the Knowledge Channel presents
A Day in the Life
of a Classroom.
We're here at P.S. 118
in Mr. Simmons'
fourth-grade class.
Aw, I hate decimals!
You can do it, Harold.
He'll never do it.
Helga, I seem to remember
you got an A
on your last few math tests.
I have an idea.
Why don't you go up
to the board and help Harold?
Oh, brother.
I'll bet you'd be
a very good teacher.
And so, you take the five
and multiply it to seven
and then what you do is,
you move the decimal point
over four numbers
and there's the answer.
MR. SIMMONS: Harold,
I'm very proud of you.
Actually, I'm proud
of all of you and
I couldn't imagine
a better group of students
to spend every day with.
Okay. So, who's ready
for a pop quiz on fractions?
MR. SIMMONS: Just kidding!
Let's get to work on building
our walk-in space station
for the city science fair!
KIDS: Yay!
BOB: Well, I don't care
if it is broken, lady.
Our policy says "No refunds."
And that includes defective
merchandise, capisce?
But it's a birthday present
for my mom.
She's 83 and she needs
a phone for emergencies.
Well, boo-stinkin'-hoo, toots.
Now vamoose
before I call a cop.
Scam artist.
KID: Mister.
BOB: What do you want?
I was wondering
if you would make a donation
to my orphanage.
The money will send poor kids
to summer camp for a week.
Hey, who do I look like,
Mother Teresa?
I'm running a business
here, kid. Now scram!
Uh, Mr. Pataki,
I alphabetized
all the customer files
just like you asked.
I said to put 'em in order
of how much money
everybody spent.
Now get back
to your desk and do it right.
Yes, sir.
Oh, that's it,
you big screw-up.
You're fired!
But Mr. Pataki, I have
a wife and eight kids to feed.
Yeah, tell it
to the judge, pally.
(GRUNTS) Dang files.
MAN: Excuse me, sir?
Oh, criminy. What now?
I'm Earthflower, a member
of the Happy Sunshine family.
I'm a positive life-forcer,
here to offer you
a new beginning,
as well as a sense
of inner peace.
Yeah, well, I ain't
got any time, buddy.
Now, shove off!
Then he knocks over
an entire water cooler.
Floods the joint.
Pass the ketchup.
So I did what I had to do.
I fired his sorry rump.
It's called
looking out for number one.
Man, Pop, you're ruthless.
And that's exactly how
I became the Beeper King,
by not taking anybody's lip
or putting up with
so-called "Honest mistakes."
Your rack
of lamb for two, sir.
Sure took you long enough.
Anyway, more about me being
the head honcho
at kicking butt
over at the Beeper Emporium
Oh! Huh!
Ooh, what's happening?
Oh, my chest, girl.
(GROANS) I think
your old man's having
a coronary, Olga.
It's Helga, Dad.
Oh, crud, I'm gonna miss
the wheel. (GROANS)
Where am I?
Oh, criminy, there's
there's no back to this thing.
Well, boo-stinkin'-hoo, toots.
Now vamoose
before I call a cop.
Happy birthday, Mom.
Hope you don't fall and break
your hip again. (SOBBING)
I'm running a business
here, kid. Now scram!
How did it go, sonny?
The mean man wouldn't help,
and he was our last hope.
Now, me and the rest
of the orphans will
(SNIFFLING) Will have to stay
in the abandoned warehouse
next to the toxic waste dump.
That's it, you big screw-up!
You're fired!
Oh, well. Guess I'll just have
to put the kids to work again
in one of those garment
district sweatshops
till I get another job.
Criminy, I'm a monster.
I can help you, brother.
I can give you
a brand-new start.
Inner peace.
Yes, show me
the way, Earthflower.
OLGA: Daddy?
What? Where am I?
You're in a hospital, Papa.
Hospital? Oh, that's right.
I had a heart attack.
Actually, it was gas.
The doc said you'll be fine
as long as you lay off
the double racks of lamb.
Well, near death
or no near death,
Big Bob Pataki's
had an epiphany.
A what?
A life-changing
experience, Miriam.
A total stinking wake-up call!
Come first thing tomorrow,
Big Bob Pataki's gonna
make some changes.
Come on.
Daddy, you forgot
your pants, silly.
BOB: Hey! Hey, you!
(TREMBLING) No! Don't hurt me.
Please, I beg you.
Ah, calm down,
you lovable,
little hippie freak.
I just got a couple
of que (SIGHS)
"New Beginnings.
The Happy Sunshine Way."
What the
Dad, it's 7:00 a.m.
What in the heck
are you doing?
It looks to me like he's
making eclectic sounds
with a New Delhi lute.
It's part of my "Welcome
the sun" ceremony.
From now on, instead of being
my former butt-kicking self,
Big Bob Pataki's gonna be
all about inner peace,
and leading a simple life.
Man, Bob must have
hit his head really hard
on that restaurant floor.
I heard that, little lady.
Now park your carcass
and join me
and the rest of the Patakis
in "Purifying our bodies
and cleansing our souls."
Is it me or has Bob gone
completely nuts?
Just because Daddy made
a tofu scramble doesn't mean
he's nuts, baby sister.
Uh, he's just rattled
from his gas attack, honey.
He'll get over it soon enough.
Oh, yeah? I wouldn't
be so sure about that.
It's a yurt.
A what?
A yurt. A simple hut where
we'll all meditate together.
It's part
of the Happy Sunshine family's
spiritual stripping-down
process. See?
Criminy, Dad, you have
really snapped your cap.
Ah, great. They're here.
Who's here?
These are the volunteers
from the orphanage.
They're here to rid us of
all our material possessions.
Excuse moi?
The Happy Sunshine
philosophy says
we'll all be a lot happier
if we give everything
we own away,
including the house
and the cars.
You're giving everything away?
Everything except the yurt.
We don't need a bunch
of junk weighing us down
when we walk
barefoot to Oregon.
"Walk barefoot to Oregon"?
Yeah, to live in a commune.
Daddy's gone completely crazy.
Well, we've got to do
something fast, Miriam.
Why don't you go talk to him?
What for?
I mean, you are
the guy's wife, aren't you?
Well, technically.
Great. Now get to it.
So, how did it go?
Did you fix Daddy, Mommy?
Uh-huh. Now,
if you'll all excuse me,
I'm gonna go find
some burlap bags,
and make everyone untainted
Happy Sunshine clothing.
Well, that went well.
Don't worry, Helga.
Whatever's bothering Daddy,
I can get to the bottom of it.
Let's hope so.
So, any luck
de-programming him?
I'll tell you all about it
in a little bit, Helga.
But first I've gotta
go cancel all the utilities.
Excuse me?
You wouldn't believe
how much evil electricity is
just pulsing and pulsing
through our walls.
Well, it looks like it's up
to me to un-brainwash Bob.
Helga G. Pataki is
gonna take action.
good bark. How's yours?
Okay. I have all of
Bob's favorite greasy foods.
This fan will blow
the smell towards him,
he won't be able to resist,
he'll quit with
the Happy Sunshine junk,
and return to the old Bob.
(EXCLAIMS) The smell of
that garbage makes me want
to re-dedicate myself
to cleansing my soul
and not letting
any food like that
into my newly purified body.
Thanks, Mr. Martinez.
There's one thing
I know Bob can't resist.
The power of TV.
Big money, big money,
big money!
The Wheel.
How stupid.
Technology rots the mind
and stains the soul.
Amen, Daddy.
So true, B!
I'll collapse their stupid
meditation yurt and that'll
be the end of that.
They'll take it as a sign
to return to being
normal human beings.
Oh, Daddy. Why did
our beloved yurt have
to collapse suddenly?
Look on the bright side,
positive life-forcers.
It's a sign.
Now we can spend more
constructive time together,
rebuilding the yurt
from scratch.
Oh, Daddy. You're so positive.
From scratch.
(SIGHS) Well, Arnold, I tried.
But I guess
the mind-altering powers
of the Happy Sunshine
family were too strong.
Despite my efforts, I'm afraid
I'm forced to move away
and leave you and my life here
in the real world forever.
What in the heck
do you think you're doing
sneaking up on me?
You're creeping me
out, you creep!
Are you okay?
Oh, I'm just peachy.
My dad's joined
some wacky spiritual group,
brainwashed Miriam and Olga,
and he plans on taking us all
to Oregon to live in a hut
out into nature
to sing songs and eat bark.
That's kind of extreme.
Gee, you think?
Have you tried talking to him?
He'd never listen
to me, football head.
Or worse,
he'd try to convert me.
It's like Bob can't even
think for himself anymore.
He can only spout nonsense
from the Happy Sunshine book.
He's an entirely
different person.
If you can't talk to your dad,
then you'll have
to get through to him
some other way.
So, they're really
giving out free sage,
right on the street?
Yup. Right up here. Trust me.
Ah, this was your plan, huh?
You tricked me.
Come in. I wanna
show you something.
Listen, I
really don't wanna be here.
This is the evil past
that I'm running away from.
It's great, isn't it?
BOB: The poster of me
with the funny hat on?
Don't you see?
You were the king, Dad.
I was a horrible,
uptight money-monger.
No, you were more than that.
The old Bob pushed himself
too hard, little lady.
He never stopped
to smell the roses,
to enjoy life's rich pageant,
or to really explore
his spiritual core.
Plus, he was a big, fat jerk.
But Bob,
you have done so much.
I mean, look, you built
this place from the ground up,
and you did it your way.
You never let
anybody tell you what to do.
And now, look at you
with all this Happy
Sunshine junk.
You're just
a sheep, a follower.
And the truth is
I don't like the new you.
I miss my old dad.
Hmm. You're making me think.
I don't like it.
You say
that you act like a jerk
and a big blowhard and all
but I still love you for that.
That's who you are.
And I depend
on you to be my dad.
Anyway, that's all
I wanted to say.
Where could Daddy be?
We have to start
the walk to Oregon
and our new life.
BOB: Unload all the furniture
and put it exactly
where it was before.
I had to write
a big check to the orphanage
to get this stuff back.
What's going on, Dad?
Well, the truth is
Helga, I thought
about what you said
back at the Beeper Emporium
and spent the rest
of the night
doing a lot of soul-searching.
Daddy, are you okay?
Do you need to Shant?
Nah, I'm fine.
I decided that moving away
was much too drastic.
We're staying right here
and we're having
our own sunshine family.
What? But, gosh,
B, that's sudden.
But from now on, I'm gonna
work just six days a week.
And I'm gonna have
a little veggie garden
out back,
and doggone it,
I'm keeping the yurt.
Finally, some good news.
Come on, let's go inside
and sit on some furniture.
Hey, let's order some
breakfast burritos.
Extra sausage.
We can eat it in the yurt.
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