High School USA! (2013) s01e01 Episode Script


1 High School USA! 1x01 [ kids chattering ] Amber, what are you doing? I thought we agreed to wear the same outfit today.
Cassandra, what are you talking about? No, we didn't.
Can't you just try to be original? My way of being original is dressing exactly like someone else.
- No one else does that.
- [ lisping ] Excuse me, pardon me, - Excuse me.
- Hey, you're late! Punctuality is politeness, "Brainstein"! - Now sit down and shut up.
- Settle down, Brad.
You shut up too, you fatty.
And you put out that stinky cigarette.
It's gonna kill you Before I do.
[ exhales ] Man over P.
: All right, everybody, quiet down, quiet down plea-eee-se.
Don't make me be the bad guy.
I'm so bad at it.
Don't make me blow the whistle.
[ blows, no sound ] [ barking ] [ crowd "awww"s ] Okay, that's better.
Now I want to talk to you about something extremely troubling: Bullying.
So what is a bully? Let's break it down.
Shall we? A bully is "bullyish.
Like him?" Nope.
"Like him a lot less n yep.
And "why?" Because he's a Bully.
[ gasps ] We will simply not tolerate their intolerance.
They're not welcome at High School U.
today, tomorrow and certainly not this Friday at our "it gets better after high school" high school dance.
Yeah! [ cheering ] Bullies suck! Bullies suck! Bullies suck! Be louder or I'm going to hit you! Bullies suck! Come on, louder! well, I can't wait till I get old and my memories start to unfold about High School U.
these are the good old days my obituary will relay all my fun times here at High School U.
Gosh, that assembly sure was worrying.
Yeah, I'm so glad none of us are bullies.
And if one of us was a bully, Brainstein, I'd totally beat the bullying right out of him.
Why would anyone choose to be a bully when you would totally get banned from the high school dance? Totally.
I can't wait to go to the dance.
Marsh and I are double-dating with my parents.
Huh, that's funny, 'cause I'm double-dating with Marsh and your parents! Sorry, girls, but I'm not going with either of you.
- [ unison ] Why!? - Well, as you have been nice enough to not point out, I'm just over three pounds overweight, and that's going to make it impossible for me to fit in my skinny-tux, which is going to depress me Into spending Friday night binge-eating cheesecake in hopeless misery.
Which is actually kind of awesome because I love cheesecake! So you could say I'm kind of looking forward to Friday night.
Oh great! Both of you girls can go with me.
[ bangs ] And I won't take no for an answer.
- Uh, that sounds a little rape-y, Brad.
- No, it's worse than rape, Amber.
- Brad's a bully.
- Wait, what? - Like me-brad? - Just look at the way you treat Blackstein.
This is just our dynamic, Marsh.
I say something that upsets Brad and Brad expresses himself by punching me in the face.
See? Blackstein, that's the definition of a bully.
If he was a bully, why would he give me such a nice nickname like Brainstein? Because he's being ironic.
He thinks you're stupid.
Oh, that's what "ironic" means.
Blackstein, you need to stand up for yourself.
You're crazy! I'm not a bully.
I am not a bully! [ sobbing ] Brad, come back here! [ sobbing continues ] Great! - There goes our date for the dance.
- Thanks a lot, Marsh.
Now you two eligible bachelor-le-lor-lorettes can go with me.
Gross, Blackstein.
We'd rather lez out with each other than go with you.
Mmm, totally.
[ kissing ] Hmmm.
I sure am worried about Brad.
[ dogs bark ] I'm not a bully! I am not a bully! I'm not a bully! Hey, I know you.
What's up, Brainstein? [ grunts ] Oh, went straight through.
[ phone chimes ] Hold on.
I got a text.
"I know how you feel.
Meet me at the corner of Wedgieland and Swirlybrook if you want to talk"? Yeah okay, But I'll tell you something.
Nobody tells Oh wait, I gotta type it.
"Okay, but nobody tells me what to do.
Exclamation mark.
Not happy face!" - Hey, I know you.
- Did my clove give me away? You're the creepy dork that smokes way too much.
- Which is, at all.
- You know, Brad, you and I, we've got a lot in common, me and you.
Just a couple of misunderstood bullies.
[ coughs ] I'm no bully! And a nerd like you sure isn't! Oh, is that so? Check this out.
[ chimes ] Hold on, hold on.
I got a text.
How could you write that about someone you knew had feelings? I'm a cyber-bully, see? Just like you, only smarter.
And meaner.
[ sobs ] Now I have something to show you.
You will follow me this way.
[ techno music playing ] Whoa! [ grunting ] What is this place? Welcome to Antagonerds.
Cyber-bully: Here bullies can be bullies in the most exclusive of private settings.
[ toilet flushes ] No longer will we be afraid to terrorize dorks, nerds - and worst of all, goofs.
- Wait, one question: Why are all these dorks putting up with this? - Oh, they are just perverts.
- C'mon, hurry it up, will ya? - My wife thinks I'm out buying groceries.
- Come on, give it a try.
First one is free.
[ grunts ] This feels good.
I'm seeing myself for the first time! [ whistling ] [ laughter ] Boy: Oh my god.
I love to laugh too.
Let me see that! [ grunting ] This feels good! - Ha ha, you're a bully.
- I am not! Hey, bully! Why don't you go and punch Brad: Stop it! Shut up! That's not funny! Be nice to me! [ sarcastically ] Ow ow ow, the bully is hurting me, ooh! [ tearfully ] Ow ow ow, the bully is hurting me! [ chuckles ] Well, it looks like someone just bullied his way out of tonight's high school dance.
[ kids laugh ] How could you do this to me after our beautiful night together?! Super sorry, bro, but I'm a bully.
[ Brad sobbing ] Congratulations, Marsh.
You were right about Brad being a bully.
Yeah well, being right doesn't always feel good.
- So how does it make you feel? - Fat.
Okay, cheesecake, here I come! Hey, Marsh.
Shouldn't you be at the high school dance with the gang? You know, Amber, Cassandra, Blackstein and Brad.
Well, I just don't know if I should be friends with Brad anymore, - Him coming out as a bully and all.
- Bully? So what? Well, Dad, bullies are the single worst thing a kid can be.
Marsh, bullies are the cornerstone of a functioning society.
I mean, if I didn't grow up being bullied constantly, How would I know what my place was in life? I'd walk around all cocky and confident, and that's just not me.
- It's not? - No! Those are all the attributes of bullies.
- And you see how we treat them.
- Oh yeah! So you go out there and embrace your friend Brad.
He's providing a very healthy part of growing up.
- It's not an easy job.
- You're right, Dad! I'm going to that high school dance and I know who I'm taking as my date! Our plan worked, cheesecake.
[ barking ] [ doorbell rings ] [ tv playing ] [ doorbell rings ] Brad, get down here! I'm trying to watch my commercials! [ doorbell ringing ] [ groans ] [ knocking ] Good evening, Mrs.
Is Bradleyfurd home? Brad, you have company! Hey, what took you so long, heh? S-sorry, mom, sorry.
I was just masturbating.
[ moans ] [ yelps ] Oh no, two for flinching.
Hey, what the hell do you want? Brad, I owe you an apology.
I was wrong to judge you the way I did.
I know what you are and I'm okay with it.
So you better get your party clothes on, buster! 'Cause I'm-a taking you as my date - to the high school dance! - Yeah! Hey, Brad, be honest: Do these cuff links make me look fat? What the hell, Marsh, where have you been? The original band canceled and I need your band to go on.
[ pants ] Brad? What are you doing here? Your kind isn't wanted.
Brad's our drummer, Mr.
And if you want the gang to start this place on fire with burning music tonight, then you're gonna have to let him in.
This seems like a perfect opportunity to let go of everything I believe in for a little bit of music.
Get on in there, ya snake! [ crowd chanting ] Music music! Music music! [ booing ] So! What do you think of my tux? Cassandra, what are you doing? We're wearing the same thing.
I just wanted to wear what you're wearing.
- That's my thing, remember? - Ugh, that again? Well well well, If it isn't Mr.
I-can't-go-to-the-dance- because-I-have-eating-issues! A.
Cheating-on-us- with-the-biggest-bully-in-high-school, M.
Marsh, what are you doing!? He's not allowed in here! - He's a bully! - You know what, Blackstein? You're the one who's acting like a bully.
Crowd: We want the original band! Students, I'm sorry to say that the original band canceled.
[ booing ] Boo! We want the original band! But we did get High School U.
's very own the gang! [ cheering ] Boy: Yeah, we love the gang! [ boos, gasps ] - Boo boo! - All right, all right, calm down.
Hey, you in the front, calm down, all right? Just for a minute.
Let me say something.
Yes, Brad is a bully.
But he's also my best friend.
Sure, it was hard to accept, but Brad didn't choose to be this way.
If I grew up in that house with that loud, fat lady for a mom, I'd probably take it out on someone weaker than me too.
- Seriously, his life is terrible.
- He's right, my life sucks.
Death will be a sweet gift.
Think about it: When you reject a bully, you become a bully.
And no one likes a bully, Blackstein.
- Yeah, he's right! - Brad! Brad! [ all chanting, cheering ] Brad! Brad! Brad! A-one and a-two, and one two three four! [ techno music playing ] [ phone chimes ] Oh, Mr.
Popularity! Heh heh.
It doesn't get better.
It just gets the same.