High School USA! (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Mmm.
Hey, Marsh, why the long, freckled face? Did you lose your secular purity ring? - Nope, still got it.
- Mm, I'm so jealous of your virginity.
I totally want to make out with it.
Hey, quit it! That tickles.
- Hey! - Mom, I wish I had your butt.
Oh, and you should totally borrow my white hooker pumps.
Where is dad taking you? So jealous.
Not really.
Okay, gotta go.
Love you, bye! So how's your mom, Amber? You two do it yet? Don't be gross, Brad! Two girls can be B.
F.
F.
s without lesboing it up.
Besides, my mom is totally into my dad.
I know that for a fact because my mom tells me everything! - Oooh, this dad guy sounds hot.
- Cool it, Cassandra.
My dad's a catch who's already been caught.
Oh hey, gang, sorry I'm late.
Anybody seen Brad? Well, I can't wait till I get old and my memories start to unfold about High School U.
S.
A.
these are the good old days my obituary will relay all my fun times here at High School U.
S.
A.
Now let's get ready to rumble into learning! Em-ployment.
A great thing, but let's be honest, it's a scarce thing.
The job market is terrible! But that shouldn't worry you, because even though it only takes two little letters to go from "employment" to Uh-oh! "Unemployment" It also only takes one letter to make unemployment Bah-dah-dah-dah-dah Funemployment! You see? Isn't it great that a little letter like an "F" can make all the difference? "F-word.
" What a school, what a country! Yes, I taught a class! - Blackstein: See ya, Amber.
- Brad: Bye, Amber! - Marsh: Hey, deuces, Amber.
- Bye, Amber.
- Say hi to your mom for me.
- Bye, Marsh, Cassandra, Brad, Blackstein.
Anyway, mom, I met the cutest guy in P.
E.
today.
No way.
I am so jealous.
Not really! Totally into your dad lately.
He is so lucky to have you.
Oh, he's lucky and he knows it.
And P.
S.
: That's where my blue sweater went! Uh, don't change the subject! - Hi.
- Hi! Anyway, I won't be home for dinner.
I'm going to the diner with the gang.
Okay, better get in the shower.
Bye, bestie, love you! Love you! See you, dad.
I'm off to the diner - to meet the gang.
- Not so fast, young man.
Do you see what condition this bed sheet is in? Yeah, it's stained - with poo.
- My poo.
- Do you have any idea why? - Nope, but I'd love to find out.
Because ever since your mom left us, I've been trying to get back into the game.
You know what game I'm talking about, Marsh? - No idea, sir.
- The game.
And it's not easy.
I mean, look at me.
I'm bald, I'm nervous, I'm overweight.
And that's left me more than a little unsure of myself.
So what do I do? I swipe my own son's diet shakes and then it only serves me right that it violently alienates my bowels and causes me to diarrhea all over the place! Aw, dad, don't be so hard on yourself.
- It's a-okay.
- It's not a-okay.
You have to know that even dads make mistakes, that even dads are underwhelming.
Now would you mind dropping this off at the cleaner's on your way to the diner? All right, have a good time, kiddo.
Showering up to go to the diner with the gang.
Aha! Caught you! Shhh! Look what's on Perversion.
live.
I know what that is, you little brat.
But you're not supposed to be seeing this yet.
- You're only seven.
- I don't think you really know what this is.
Oh really? Mr.
Worldly here is going to show me something I don't know.
- I'm so sure.
- I sure am! Wait right here.
Hmm, that is pretty hot.
Yeah, whip her! Spit on that slut! Yeah, obviously do that to her.
Hey, mom, what's for dinner? Wally, didn't you see the tie on the door? What happened to knocking, young man? Sorry, dad.
Hi, Amber! Can you believe my mom doing all that dirty, kinky stuff on the internet and not telling me all the perverted details? Maybe she just forgot to tell you that your dad was whipping her and spitting in her face.
Marsh, you're so gullible.
Best friends just don't forget juicy gossip like that.
Unless of course she's not really your best friend, which would make me your best friend.
- Oh my god, this is really exciting.
- Ugh! - Hey! - Obviously my mom is too busy being uninterested unwilling and uncharacteristically secretive about telling her best friend the biggest news of the week.
Hey look, Amber, you can apply what we learned in class today to all these things you said your mom was.
See, now she's funinterested, funwilling and funcharacteristically secretive about telling you things.
So you don't have to be unhappy about it.
Yeah, you can be funhappy about it.
- Blackstein's got the idea.
- Hooray! This is so not fair.
My mom is way not really my friend.
And if my best friend isn't really my friend, how can I expect my regular friends to be my friends? Like all of you guys.
Oh my god, my own gang! You aren't even really my friends! My best friend! Wait! Aw, let her go.
More truffle caviar fries for us.
This is no time for empty calories, Brad.
Amber's really upset.
Somehow we need to get Amber back to being best friends with her mom or she'll never be our regular friend again.
And then what will happen to the gang? - Hello? - Hey, Mrs.
Lamber, it's me, Marsh Merriwether.
- The leader of the gang.
- Right on, what's up? Amber missed band practice today.
And I don't want to butt my nose in where it doesn't belong, - but is she okay? - Well, to be honest I haven't been in touch with her for hours.
I'm really worried.
I mean we were going to get Brazilians together and everything.
She loves getting waxed.
Where do you think she is? Oh, she's right here.
But she just won't answer her cell.
We've never gone this long without talking.
I think she's really mad at me.
Yeah, she's kinda hurt that you didn't involve her in the kinky sex with Mr.
Lamber.
I know and I'm really bummed about it.
But I'm also her mother and junk.
Well, I've been thinking about all this and it seems like there may be an easy solution to get her to participate in everything you do.
Good, 'cause you know she can't just come in the room and have sex with her dad.
That's even weird for me.
Oh, you're right! I guess I'll have to think of something else then.
I hope.
Oh, think think.
- Hello, Marsh.
- Oh, hey, Officer Dumphy.
Oh, is something wrong? Amber caught her parents having weird sex on the internet - And now she won't talk to any of us.
- Bah! All these new-fangled sex sites.
Live this, amateur that! Why, way back in the day when I was hornier, only professional craftsmen were allowed to legitimately get people's nuts off.
What was different all the way back then? Oh, it was a sight to see, my boy.
You had whole crews working together in joy and harmony.
- Neat.
- You bet it was neat.
Why, to see collaborate all those people writers, directors, fluffers and the most important aspect of any good stag film the meatball screw-up guy.
Who got laid in spite of himself.
Why was he so important? Well, he represented all of us, Marsh.
He was someone we could relate to.
A palate cleanser to get the bitter taste of the well-hung stud out of your mouth.
Yuck Mmm.
Thanks, Officer Dumphy.
You just gave me a great idea.
Ho ho, glad I could help, Marsh.
Somebody helped Marsh today it was me - Hey, Amber! - I can't believe this! My mom, my dad, my ex-gang, how can you get together when I am mad at all of you? Go away mom! Mrs.
Lamber, do you have something to say to Amber? Amber, I used to think there were some things that I shouldn't tell you because if I crossed certain boundaries, you wouldn't see me as a role model anymore.
But thanks to Marsh, I understand that it is more important to be your friend than your parent.
Now, Amber, do you have something you want to say to Mrs.
Lamber? Hello? I'm so sorry.
- No, I'm sorry! - No, I'm sorry.
Now let's make a porno! Okay, we're five away from rolling, everyone.
Brad, get a reflector and light on my mom's absolutely perfect ass.
- Check.
- Cassandra, we need some makeup on those testicles.
- Duh.
- Blackstein, finish fluffing my dad.
- Already on it, boss.
- Marsh, get ready to cue - the bumbling pizza man.
- You got it, chief.
- Okay, dad, this is your big scene.
- Well, I hope I have it in me, bud.
Wouldn't want to let you down yet again.
But this one's right in your wheelhouse.
All you have to do is deliver the pizza, get into the bed and have sex with Amber's parents.
I don't know, it's been a long time since I've even had sex.
What if I do it wrong? What if my flabby body shuts down? What if You know Did you get a look at those nice clean sheets? You'll be perfect, dad.
And as for those clean sheets, well, read it for yourself.
"And then the bumbling pizza man accidentally soils the bed with poo.
" - Your poo.
- You wrote that in? - For me? - You're the everyman, dad.
You are who we all relate to.
Now go and bumble your way into imperfect glory.
Amber: All right, quiet on set.
God, I've got the best son in the world.
Get over here, you! And action!