High School USA! (2013) s01e11 Episode Script


1 ( Dogs bark ) Watermelon, soda pop, salami sandwiches and blankets.
Aww, thanks, mom.
You didn't have to make me a picnic for the beach.
I know! That's why I didn't.
You're not the only one on spring break.
This is for me.
I'm having a couch picnic.
- What am I gonna eat at the beach? - I don't know.
Eat sand.
What do I care? ( Car honks ) Oh, that's the gang.
Bye, mom, love you.
If you love me so much, then why don't you marry me? Get the hell out of here, you stupid jerk! Come on, Brad.
Hop in.
Marsh, what the hell is your dad doing here? It's spring break.
Spring break can get pretty crazy, so we all brought our parents along to make sure that things stay safe and under control.
( Horn honks ) Let's go, guys.
The beach is waiting.
Yeah, we need to get there before the sun goes down.
We'll never know where the good shade is.
No melanoma on my patrol.
( Sighs ) What would we do without our parents? Well, I can't wait till I get old And my memories start to unfold about High School U.
These are the good old days My obituary will relay All my fun times here at High School U.
I can't wait to get some tan lines.
- Hey! - Sorry, dear, but too much sun will give you brain fever.
And if something happens to you, we could never replace you.
Your father's right.
It could take up to five years to adopt another Chinese baby.
- 10 if you want a healthy one.
- And we'll be dead by then.
Hey, mom, I got this new waterproof phone case that I can talk to you while I'm in the ocean.
No way, girl.
You're not going anywhere near the water.
There could be sharks or other teeth creatures in there.
This is stupid! We can't have any fun with all you dumb parents around.
We need them, Brad.
They know how to stay alive.
Marsh is right.
I lived through three wars.
Barren, you fought in three World Wars? No, I dodged them.
It's the heroes who die, Marsh.
And we're no heroes.
Mom, I know you said the floaties would keep me safe, but I thought the safest thing would be to just not go in the water at all.
That's my boy! Girl: Head's up! ( All scream ) What's wrong with you guys? Your parents have made you into such babies.
Well, I'm sick of all this not having fun.
I'm gonna go hang out with those hot girls over there.
No, Brad, don't do it.
They're strangers.
Brad: Hey, ladies.
Hey, I got your ball.
- Hot girls: Hey! - I can barely watch.
Oh my God.
Now he's having casual conversation with them.
Should we call the police? Hey, guys, those girls invited us to a party tonight.
But they said they don't want us to bring our parents.
- ( Gasps ) What? - No parents? But what if one of us gets hurt there? No, you're right.
You may get hurt if you do go, but you'll definitely get hurt if you don't.
I think he means business, Marsh.
You guys better go without us.
- Now give me your car keys, baldy.
- You got it! Please don't punch me.
( Knocks on door ) Oh boy.
I sure hope there are no balloons at this party.
My mom says they're the number-one cause of choking.
Number two is stranglers' hands.
Oh, I hope they didn't invite any stranglers.
Blackstein's right.
We'll just wait in the car.
- Oh hey, Miriam.
- Brad, you didn't tell me this was a Thanksgiving- themed party.
I would have brought my buckled hat.
Ha ha, I'm not dressed like a pilgrim.
This is traditional Amish garb.
- Wait, you're Amish? - Of course I am.
We all are.
( Cheering ) ( Dance music playing ) ( Shouts ) I'm confused.
I thought Amish people weren't allowed to have fun.
- Uh, yeah.
Isn't it against the law? - Not during Rumspringa it's not.
Uh, what's Rumspringa? It's when us Amish kids leave our village and enter the world of sin and experience everything life has to offer for the first time.
Uh! So if I understand you correctly, and I think I do, there's no adults here? Nope.
Just us teenagers having the best time of our lives.
( Shouts ) But what if something happens? That's the point.
Something better happen.
Heya, dude.
Want to hit this? Balloons! I wanna go home.
This party's scary.
It's gonna be okay, Blackstein, we'll use the buddy system.
Girls, I'll stick with Blackstein.
You two, figure something out.
Ugh, these guys are so ugly.
You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
I am 15 and it's time for me to settle down.
Will you marry me? I'll give you a horse and buggy.
- Yeah, sure.
- Hooray! Hey, you! You want to give me a horse and buggy? I'll marry you.
- I would like nothing more! - Uh, Cassandra, why would you want to marry all these guys in weird hats and suspenders? I don't know, I'm buggy crazy.
Hey, Brad, do you want a beer? No thanks.
I lose my inhibitions when I drink.
Well, that's good.
Because Rumspringa is the time where one is supposed to let loose and experience everything.
Uh oh.
( Chuckles ) Relaxing already.
You know, I only have a couple days left to decide if I'm gonna stay here or go back to my Amish life.
So why don't you give me a reason to stay? Wait, hold on.
Guess what.
I'm about to have sex! - Brad, do you even have a condom? - Yeah, it's called my skin.
And I'd get rid of that too, if I could.
You know, to really feel the sensation! - God, that beer was good! - Brad, what's gotten into you? I'm living life.
And if I were you guys, I'd do the same.
Brad's right! It's time to really start living life to the fullest.
Hey, gimme that balloon.
Watch this, Marsh.
I'm gonna do my munchkin voice.
Blackstein! Ooh, that munchkin just did way too much nitrous.
( Screams ) Calm down, Marsh.
That's just Jebediah trying out his new car.
He's never driven before.
We're getting married.
Let's get out of here.
Now! ( Line ringing ) Come on, Brad.
Pick up, pick up, pick up.
Hey, there, sport.
How was the party? Oh, it was terrible, Dad.
We left Brad there with some out-of-control Amish girl and now I can't get ahold of him.
- Hmm.
Well, have you tried calling him? - Only about 26 times! I'm at the end of my rope! I'm so worried about Brad.
Son, I've never been more proud of anyone in my life.
- You're gonna make a great dad.
- You really think so? I know so.
You're a natural worrier.
You see, being a parent is about being too afraid to let your children have the same awesome experiences that shaped your life.
Now why don't you try giving Brad another call? And then another call and then another call.
Just keep calling him until he hates you.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Love you, kiddo.
Good night! ( Brad and Miriam grunt, moan ) ( Brad sighs ) God, I've never done something new in so many different positions before.
Now time to experience my first cigarette.
Oh my goodness, that is so good.
Oh, I need a cigarette.
( Phone vibrates ) - Ugh, this guy's the worst.
- Who? I'll kill them.
- I've never done that before.
- Marsh.
He's called me like 100 times! You know, I'm really starting to hate him.
Here, let me help.
( Grunts ) - Brad: Hey! - Oh, I've never done that before! What an exhilarating experience! Now let's go experience more new things, before we experience being burned to death for the first time.
All right! ( Growls ) ( Screams ) ( Alarm blaring ) Cassandra, I have a horse and buggy.
- Will you marry me? - Obvs.
Oh, you've made me the happiest boy in the world! Ha ha ha ha.
I'm buggy rich! Oh, Brad, there you are! We've been worried sick about you! No kidding.
You haven't stopped calling me.
Then why didn't you call back? Because I'm having the time of my life! I've never had so many experiences in so many unusual places.
Get this - We just robbed a bank together! We both shot an elderly man same guy, same time.
- We're meant for each other.
- What? Shooting people is bad, Brad.
Yeah, but having sex while doing it is great! I knew that Amish girl would be nothing but trouble.
Well, you better get used to having Miriam around, because, guys, I've got some really exciting news to tell you.
Brad, you just met her.
You can't get married.
Yeah! Getting married is my thing.
- What? Yuck.
I'm not going to marry her! - Oh good.
- We're getting sex changes together.
- What?! Yeah.
Miriam is all about having new experiences, and she said she's never had sex as a man with a woman who used to be a man before.
Brad, all the sex has clouded your brain.
You don't really wanna be a woman, do you? It's too late, guys.
She's getting the surgery right now.
- And I'm scheduled after her.
- Come on, think about it, Brad.
- Being a woman is terrible.
- How so? For starters - You receive less pay than a man in the same job.
And if you're working and you have a baby, good luck returning to work before they replace you.
And another thing - You know how much you love to have sex now? Yeah, but women have sex too.
I know that for a fact because that's who I like to have sex with.
Right, but if you have as much sex as a woman as you do as a man, everyone will call you a whore.
Marsh is right, Brad.
Being a woman is no fun.
When we're serene, people say we're boring.
When we're confident, people say we're arrogant.
When we're feminine, people say we're too girly.
And when we're good at sports, people say we're lesbians! Which is so hot.
So you see, Brad, being a woman is no walk in the park.
Which is lucky, because if you are a woman walking alone in the park there's a one in six chance that you'll be sexually assaulted.
And remember, those statistics are only based on those who have reported their crimes.
But I want to have sex with Miriam for the rest of my life.
Yeah, good luck with that, because statistically speaking, being a man, she's going to die well before you do.
What?! You mean I'm going to be an ugly old widow in my autumn years? - That's the worst news of all! - That's right, Brad.
You got dealt a winning hand.
Don't fold it.
Well, I guess I should go tell her.
I sure hope she takes it like the man that she now is.
- ( Deep voice ) Brad.
- Miriam! - Is that really you? - It sure is.
Pretty cool, right? - Yeah.
- Now get on in there.
I can't wait to take this new hog for a spin.
Well here's the thing, Miriam.
I can't go through with this.
Because how do I say this delicately? I just don't want to.
Well, I can't say that under the circumstances I'm not a little disappointed.
But I understand.
You need to live your boring, single-gendered life the way you want to.
Wow, you're the coolest guy in the world.
Look at you, man.
You're a real son of a bitch.
Well, I'm off to find a woman to have sex with me.
- Wish me luck! - Oh, you'll find one easy.
There are so many sluts out there.
Cassandra Barren, would you marry me? I usually don't marry my best friends' exes, but this buggy is out of control! Is that horse real leather? It sure is, honey.
You wanna feel something else that's real leather? Oooh.