Hilda (2018) s02e12 Episode Script

Chapter 12: The Replacement

Night, Mom.
You ready to turn in?
I think so.
It's been another long, eye-opening,
somewhat harrowing day
and I enjoyed it very much.
Good night, Alfur.
[Alfur] Good night, Hilda.
[lively music]
[yawns, gasps]
[Alfur] This is very odd.
[Alfur clears throat]
Morning, Alfur.
- Who are you?
- Yes, who are you?
Ah. Alfur, you're awake.
A pleasure to meet you.
I'm Alvin.
Your replacement.
[birds chirping]
[theme music]
Hilda ♪
My replacement?
I am not being replaced!
You've been replaced.
This can't be right.
[clears throat]
"Effective immediately.
You are hereby relieved
of your post as Trolberg Correspondent.
A special elven delegation
will arrive at noon today
to escort you back
to the Northern Counties."
But how can they…
[inhales, exhales]
- [gasps]
- [thuds]
You'll see I already took
the liberty of packing your belongings.
And moving in your own ones I see.
Did you know you had an animal in here?
Hey, that's a nitten.
And her name is Peppercorn.
[Hilda] Why on earth
does Alfur need to be replaced?
It has come to the attention
of the Prime Minister and his Cabinet
that your Trolberg reports are full
of embellishments and exaggerations.
In fact, there's a strong suspicion
that you occasionally go
so far as to make things up.
Do you really expect us to believe
some of the crazy claims
you've made in your reports?
[Hilda] Crazy claims?
I mean, it's hard to know where to begin
but according to Alfur, he has…
participated in smuggling
a troll rock out of a school for humans,
chased down the footnotes to the footnotes
of an ancient soul-stealing spell,
and negotiated
with a fire-breathing dragon
for the release of a contract.
While these wild tales
may please your dedicated fan base…
[Alfur, Hilda] "Dedicated fan base"?
Dreadful as they are,
Alfur's reports are the most requested
from the official archive.
- I had no idea.
- [Hilda] Well done, Alfur.
Yes, well, all elven reports must adhere
to a strict standard of accuracy,
regardless of popularity.
[Hilda] But all those things
you mentioned really happened.
I should know, I was there.
That's it.
We'll file an eyewitness
confirmation form!
[Alvin] No. I'm afraid she doesn't qualify
as a reliable eyewitness.
[Hilda] I'm completely reliable.
And, in any case, please note
that a hold has been placed
on any additional paperwork
that you may wish to file in this matter.
[somber music]
You mean,
I've reached the end of the paper trail?
I'm afraid so.
This is totally unfair.
I won't stand for it!
Phew. Perhaps I need to draw up
a No Drama Agreement?
I don't believe that will be necessary.
I will be ready by noon… as required.
Alfur, you can't just leave.
Have you ever heard the saying,
"Desperation begins
where the paper trail ends"?
Well, it's a common saying
among my people.
There's nothing to be done, Hilda.
But you don't just work here,
you have a life here.
You're my friend.
After all we've been through, you're…
you're like family to me.
What if we find a way
to trick the delegation
into going back home without you?
Hmm. I believe your people have a saying,
"Desperate times
call for desperate measures."
I'm going to take that as a yes?
I thought that was obvious.
[tense music]
Was Agnes really the only option?
She volunteered.
Uh, and when Agnes volunteers,
there's no refusing her.
She'll do fine.
No spitting at the delegation though.
Now, look sharp.
Here they come.
[tense music]
[Alvin panting, grunting]
[Alvin] Hilda, Alfur, and, locals,
may I present the Delegation
for the Return of Wayward Elves.
I am Aloysius, head of the delegation.
This is Rupert, Gertrude, Ulrik,
and our keeper of the notes Adeline.
I am Bartell, leader of The Lost Clan
and acting representative
of elf-kind in Trolberg.
And this is Alfur.
Always has been, always will be.
Honor to meet you, Alfur, sir.
I'm a big, big fan of your work.
Your reports make Trolberg
sound so magical.
- Mm.
- [grunts]
- [gasps]
- Well, we're all feeling rather emotional
and goodbyes are hard
so let's make this quick.
Bye, Alfur! Safe travels, everyone!
Hold on. There's paperwork
that we must attend to before we depart.
Easy. Easy.
You must hereby surrender
your passport immediately.
[growling, grunts]
- Ooh…
- [grunts]
Alfur, what is the meaning of this?
- [growls]
- [all screaming]
Agnes never surrenders.
Looks like we'll have
to settle this with combat!
[all screaming]
- [grunting]
- [whimpers]
Agnes, Bartell, stand down!
Please, I insist, no combat!
What is the meaning of this?
Alfur, wait!
[birds cawing]
It's me! Alfur!
[all gasp]
Thank you
for your support, Agnes, Bartell.
But I think it's best you leave now.
Alfur, are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure.
Oh. The spitting elf from the reports.
I really rather hoped you'd made her up.
No, she is the real Agnes.
And I am the real Alfur,
the one you've come for.
If it pleases the delegation…
Oh, we are far from pleased.
Surrender your passport at once, sir.
Of course.
[somber music]
But you'll have to catch me first!
Don't let him escape!
[grunts, panting]
[all yell]
Go, Alfur!
[Alfur panting]
[grunts, panting]
He's in the lettuce!
Search the leaves, every last one!
That scoundrel
is hiding in here somewhere!
Ha! Something's out to get my lettuce!
[sniffing, groans]
This way!
I'm sorry we have to meet
under these circumstances
because I really enjoy reading your…
Uh-uh-uh! Stop where you are!
Oh, dear!
[all gasp]
[Alfur screaming]
[indistinct chatter]
[Alfur screaming]
[groaning, grunts]
You can't hide in the potatoes forever!
Hey, who said that?
Oh! My potatoes!
[Alfur] Oh, sorry!
He's over there!
[tense music]
Aha! He's going into the lighthouse!
We're coming for you!
Spirits! They're coming for us!
And our produce!
Jump! I've got you!
Jump? Are you insane?
[grunts, screaming]
[Alfur grunts]
[grunts, panting]
Got you! See?
There they are!
[clear throats]
Gerda Gustav,
Assistant Deputy of Safety Patrol
is at your service!
- Hey, that's great!
- Lock them up!
You may return to your business.
I have the situation under control.
Um, Deputy Gerda, what are you planning
to do with that lighthouse?
Take it back
to Safety Patrol Headquarters,
conduct a thorough investigation…
[all screaming]
…and then determine
the appropriate course of action.
This is unprecedented.
We've got to save them!
Right. Let's see.
[clear throats]
We need to convene a council,
draw up a detailed plan,
sign off on the detailed plan, and then…
[Hilda] Are you crazy?
We don't have time for all that.
Alfur and I will figure something out.
To the Safety Patrol Headquarters!
Oh, dear, there's no way out of this box!
Adeline! What are you doing?
Making notes for our report.
We're on a genuine Trolberg adventure.
I can barely keep up!
[Hilda] See anything?
They're not in here. Next window, please.
This is taking far too long!
Do you have a better idea?
Actually, I…
[Hilda] Going up.
[Alfur, Alvin] There they are!
What's happening?
It's Deputy Gerda.
- [gasping]
- Hide!
Okay, full disclosure.
I've never interrogated spirits before
so bear with me.
[clear throats]
To begin, what type of spirits are you?
This woman is a loose cannon.
She thinks we're spirits.
To be fair, she can't see us.
Are you still there?
What if they escaped?
- Hello!
- [all screaming]
Reveal yourselves!
Speak, mysterious spirits, speak!
There must be some kind of protocol
for getting spirits to talk.
I'll be back shortly.
[Alfur sighs]
She's gone.
Now's our chance.
- [grunting]
- [groaning]
Come on, if you want to help me.
Help you do what?
Get down, she's coming back!
Not you, you're invisible!
According to this old
Trolberg Official Handbook of Spirits,
a surefire way to get spirits talking
is to submerge them in water.
So, I'm going to give it a try.
- We're going to drown!
- [thumping]
Look, it's Alfur and Alvin!
Oh. They're all doomed.
Perhaps not. I have a crazy idea.
Why am I not surprised?
[all gasp, screaming]
[clears throat]
Deputy Gerda!
Who said that?
I am Deputy Alfur
of the Spirit Safety Patrol.
I apologize for the illegal
and unlicensed behavior
of these rogue spirits.
What illegal and unlicensed behavior?
[Alfur] Well, haunting a produce stand
without a license for one thing,
and disturbing the peace
without a permit for another.
Not to mention
the misuse of a commercial sign
for residential purposes.
Would you like to add anything,
Deputy Gerda?
No, no, that's a very thorough
breakdown of the offenses.
Why thank you.
Yes! But thanks to the good work
of Deputy Gerda,
you've been caught
and can now be released into my custody.
Um. Released to your custody?
I don't know if I can do that…
Oh, well, you absolutely should not do it
without the proper paperwork.
You'll need an Official
Transfer of Custody.
Please sign and initial.
It's so tiny.
My apologies.
We have, um…
storage issues in the spirit world
so we've had to miniaturize.
Do you have access to a magnifying glass?
It's standard-issue
for conducting investigations.
"Whereas… in violation of…
shall be remanded into custody…"
This looks to be in order, I must say.
A fellow safety professional
such as yourself knows the drill!
Do you ever feel as if you're surrounded
by people who just don't get it?
All the time,
but it's part of the job, I guess.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I appreciate
your positive attitude, I must say.
If you could sign this copy for my records
while you keep the original.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And now if you'll be so kind
as to open the holding box.
Right away.
[light music]
[light music continues]
It's been a pleasure working with you
to resolve this matter, Deputy.
Likewise, Deputy. Shall I get the door?
Oh, that won't be necessary.
We spirits prefer
to pass through the walls.
But I'll close the window
as a sign of our departure.
Alfur, that was brilliant!
The important thing is it worked.
Let's get out of here, shall we?
I must say that this experience has been…
I'm not sure anyone will believe it.
Don't worry,
I've got it all down in my notes.
[Aloysius] I'm sure you have.
Alfur, your actions today
have not gone unnoted by this delegation.
However… Um…
I know. I still have to go.
Oh, Alfur.
[Alvin] Hold on! Hold on! Hold on!
In light of our recent adventures…
[groans, thuds]
[clear throats]
In light of our recent adventures,
and your impressive ability
to deal with the unique challenges
of living in this city,
I cannot, in good conscience,
remove you from your post
as our Trolberg Correspondent.
[all] Huh?
[Alvin] Furthermore, this delegation
will inform the Prime Minister that,
based on observation and analysis,
your reports,
as far-fetched as they may seem,
are undoubtedly true and accurate.
An eyewitness confirmation form?
So, I can stay?
You must stay.
Yes! [chuckles]
[chuckles] I don't know what to say.
We shall return to the Northern Counties,
effective immediately.
Keep up the good work, Alfur.
I'm not sure
which has been more thrilling,
meeting you or getting to
make notes about meeting you.
About those notes…
I'll have to file a report
on your visit, of course,
and I'm wondering if you'd be willing
to co-author it with me?
Are you serious?
Yes, of course, it would be an honor!
[Alvin] Goodbye, Alfur.
Meeting you hasn't exactly been a pleasure
but it has been…
Hmm. Quite.
[Alfur] Farewell!
[Hilda] Come on, Alfur. Let's go home.
[light music]
- [yawns]
- [meows]
Night-night, Peppercorn.
[closing theme music]
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