Hippies (1999) s01e02 Episode Script

Hairy Hippies

The bird, he must fly And the fish, he must swim The horse, he must trot And the girl, she must slim Let's all join together Hoof in hoof, hand in hand Fin in fin, wing in wing It's a very good plan Let's build a love state Yeah Here in Notting Hill Gate! We are the children of Aquarius Everything is great when you just love one another Going to the park and running up hills People say we get into trouble But we are just trying to achieve a higher consciousness Yeah, we are the children of Aquarius Who are you? Are you? That was great.
Whoo! Well done, everybody.
Um, just a couple of notes I'm not staying for any notes.
You you were very good, Robin.
What's that supposed to mean? Just well done.
Jesus? Can I see Jesus, please? Hello.
Jesus, could you say your line for me, please? I am Jesus and I have come down to freak the whole scene.
Um, Hippy Horse, please.
Can I see Hippy Horse? Ah, Hippy Horse.
Now, it's very important that you stay close to Jesus, OK? Remember, you're a team.
Um, I, uh I don't understand at all.
I don't see why, um, Hippy Horse and Jesus Um, I don't really see I don't see the connection.
―Isn't it obvious? ―No.
Uh, it's remarkably non-obvious.
Hippy Horse is what Jesus longs to be.
You're really gonna have to explain that to me.
Well, if you have to ask, Alex, maybe I'm not doing my job properly.
Well, possibly possibly that's the problem.
―Well, take five.
―Take five what? I don't know.
I just saw it on the television, OK? We are the children of Aquarius We're constantly fighting over everything.
And I'm slightly frightened of him.
It's a great show, isn't it? How many marks would you give it out of a hundred? I don't know about marks out of a hundred, but I'd certainly give it nine out of ten.
Which would be 90 out of a hundred.
Yes, but I only ever give marks out of ten, as you know, Ray.
I'm so pleased I've written this show, you know.
It's all about loving each other and hair.
You know, two of the definitive issues of the '60s.
Is that an issue? You bet it is.
There's a war going on out there, Alex—a hair war.
Yes, you realise, Ray, that that's not outside, that's that's the scenery.
Yeah, yeah.
I know.
But it represents out there, doesn't it, you know, where the hair war's happening.
Sometimes it's really exciting just being with you.
Yeah, it is, isn't it? (laughs) ―Do you like my new beard, Alex? ―Yes.
I thought there was something wrong.
There's nothing wrong.
It's my new beard.
You should grow one.
No, no.
I You see, I like to wear aftershave, see? Oh, right.
Well, I know Jill will be very impressed with my new beard.
She's promised to have sex with me for the first time in ages when she comes back from Wales.
So, uh, you know.
I've forgotten what it's like, it's been such a long time.
Well, there's a lot of interesting scenery but a noticeable hostility to outsiders.
You're talking about Wales, aren't you? That was good.
Nice joke.
―No, I'm describing your sex life with Jill.
I'm a bit worried.
I think she's scared of me being in this show, because it's very likely I'm gonna get off with someone, like an actress or something.
―How would that happen? ―How would that happen? Well, let me tell you It Well, I'm a very attractive guy.
It's the '60s Really enjoyed last night.
What are you doing kissing Robin's girlfriend, Alex? He'll bloody kill you.
Mind you, she is rather nice, isn't she? (wolf whistles) ―What are you whistling at? ―Oh! Nothing.
I wouldn't whistle at Vicky cos Well, then, it must have been some sort of whistling criticism of my acting.
I don't I don't think I could I don't think I could whistle a criticism.
If you ever ―Are you listening to me? ―Yeah.
―Are you listening to me? ―Yeah.
If you ever do anything like that again, I will tear your prick off.
―Do you understand me, you clown? ―What? Do you want me to draw you a diagram? ―Do you want me to draw you a diagram? ―Yes.
Uh, what? This is what you look like now, you little twerp.
And this is what you'd look like after I'd finished with you.
(moans) Do you understand all that? ―Yeah.
I've got to go round to my parents' house and pick some stuff up.
The Sunday Times are doing an article about influential young people in the '60s.
They want some photographs of me.
I suppose I'll be there with Julie Christie and, you know, David Bailey and stuff.
At times like this, I feel if I was a bird I'd be like the kind of bird that was you know, one of the bigger ones.
Do you know what I mean? You certainly are a a big bird.
Oh, look at him there Not a stitch on him.
Look at his little man.
Mum, please! It's funny, isn't it? Look at it there.
You'd never think that something that small would eventually grow into something they could call a "chopper".
(sighs) I suppose I'll never see it again.
Mum, honestly.
Alex doesn't want to see those.
Of course he does, love.
Why don't you go and play in the garden? I think I'm a bit old to "play in the garden".
I've just written an article on the history of the war in Indochina.
That's nice.
Well, you can show it to Auntie Peg.
She'll be round in a minute.
Look at me there.
(both laugh) ―I look ridiulous.
―Yes, you do, yes.
―I can't believe my hair was ever that short.
―You look really weird.
I know, I know.
I think I should burn these pictures of me with short hair now, cos I don't want to come across them in 30 years and think, "Oh, my God!" That would be so embarrassing.
Well, I think I know which picture the Sunday Times readers will be seeing.
That's lovely.
Thank you very much.
―Are you looking forward to the concert? ―Yes, thank you.
Dame Nelly Fletcher's lovely, isn't she? She sings some nice songs.
Yes, she sings lovely songs about flowers and handsome soldiers.
And she has lots of different changes of costume.
Do you know, sometimes she has 17 different dresses in one show.
Oh, that's nice.
Why does she change 'em so often, then? Sweat.
Oh, hello, Ray.
Remember Auntie Peg? Must be, what, 15 years since you've seen her.
Hi, Auntie Peg.
Are you frightened of Ray's beard, love? You're frightening your Auntie Peg with your beard, Ray.
Put it away.
Mum, I can't "put it away", you know? It's a beard.
Sit yourselves down, boys.
Auntie Peg's come all the way down just to see Dame Nelly Fletcher in concert.
―You remember her, don't you, Ray? ―Yeah.
Yeah, we really like her.
Are they girls? No.
Look, one of them's got a beard.
(retches) Oh, no! Auntie Peg, you've been all sick.
Don't be frightened of them.
What's wrong? Did you make Auntie Peg sick because you're a couple of bloody hippies? Yeah.
So you should have it in a day or two.
Actually, can I just ask, who else are you featuring in the magazine? John Lennon, OK.
And Terence Stamp.
Well, I'm in illustrious company.
(laughs) Yeah.
Your name's really gonna stand out a mile in that article.
Yes, I think it will.
―By the way, I don't think I'm Jesus.
―Sorry? In the show, I don't think I'm Jesus.
I don't think he's really me, and I don't understand my relationship with Hippy Horse.
Hugo, how long have you standing in the doorway? Nothing.
I'm sorry, what? About 20 minutes.
Not long.
―Do you want to come in? ―Uh, no, I'm all right.
I think I'm I've actually got something really important to tell you so, um Come in, come in.
Alex was just saying he doesn't think he's Jesus.
What's the matter, Hugo? Nothing.
It's just if OK, if Alex isn't, uh, Jesus, that kind of makes it more likely that, um, I am, and I've always had a little bit of a worry about that.
―You're worried you might be Jesus? ―I don't want to make a big thing of it.
I don't want followers or anything.
I'd be a pretty low-key Jesus.
No, no, no.
All I meant was I don't think I'm Jesus in the show.
Oh, right.
So, you could actually still be Jesus in real life? Look, this is the kind of conversation that can go on for a very long time, OK, so let's just sort it out now.
Alex isn't Jesus in the show or real life, OK? But just because Alex isn't Jesus doesn't mean you are, Hugo.
―Sorry? It doesn't mean I'm Hugo? ―No.
You are Hugo.
You can't be Jesus by a process of elimination.
I mean, even if, say, everyone else in the world wasn't Jesus ―Which they're not.
It wouldn't mean that you are.
So, I mean Can you walk on water? Uh, closest to that would be ice skating.
It's a completely different thing, Hugo.
You've got nothing to worry about.
You're not Jesus.
That's great, Ray.
Phew! Bit of a relief.
Actually, I'm a bit exhausted after all that.
I'd better have a bit of a lie-down.
You do that.
I think you're right about this Jesus thing, Alex.
I don't think you've got either the air of authority or the beard for the part.
―I'm gonna give it to Hector Dodd.
―Isn't he a bit small? Unimportant, Alex— nobody knows how tall Jesus was.
And I've had another idea about the show.
I think we should do it completely naked! ―Completely naked? ―Yeah.
I just think it needs that extra spark.
And, based on my own experience, when you take your clothes off things tend to get a little bit exciting.
Careful, Ray.
You do have a tendency to overenthusiasm and occasional recklessness.
Do you remember that mountaineering holiday? I really think you should have brought some sort of mountaineering equipment with you.
I don't need it, Alex! I don't need any of that shit! We're nearly there! ―I know I can make it.
All right, all right.
I can't wait to show Jill my new beard.
I think things are really going to work out for us now.
(whispers) Ray.
Ray, it's me—Jill.
―I'm back.
―Oh, hi.
I know it's quite late but I really wanted to see you.
No, that's fine.
I really wanted to see you too.
I've really missed you.
Oh, I've missed you too, Ray.
(Ray) The thought of you coming back again, it's made me feel really, really horny.
(Jill) Maybe it's cos we haven't seen each other for a while, but I've really got the hots for you, too, Ray.
What what's that? Uh, no, it's a surprise.
I've got to put the light on so you can see it properly.
―Why have you got a beard, Jill? ―Cynthia suggested we should grow beards.
―But she's already got one.
―Don't be cruel, Ray.
Oh, my God! It's real! Yeah.
I've been taking male-hormone tablets.
You should see Cynthia's.
It's really luxurious.
It goes down to her knees.
Hey, Ray, you should take female-hormone tablets Whoa-ho-ho! Whoa-ho-ho! Whoa! Whoa-ho! ―But that would be ―Take a step back there, lady.
Me no likey.
Me no likey.
―You're being ―Me no likey! You're being unreasonable yet again.
Come here ―No.
―Come over here.
Give me a kiss.
Go on.
―Jill, get off.
I don't want a kiss.
Get off! ―What is wrong? I don't want to kiss somebody with a beard, particularly if it's a girl.
Honestly, you are such a hypocrite.
Why is it OK for you to have a beard and not me? Cynthia said this would happen.
Argh! ―Get out.
―It's my room.
Hippy Horse, now is the summer of our contentment.
―This pet ―No! No, it's not it's not it's not right.
Can you just do it again, OK? Hippy Horse, now is the summer of our contentment.
―This petal ―No! No! No! ―God! ―It's just Look, let me try it, OK? Just OK? OK.
(clears throat) Hippy Horse, now is the summer of our contentment.
This petal ―This petal Do you see? ―Do I see what? See the way I pulled the petal off was better than the way you did it.
It was exactly the same way that I did it, you stupid bastard.
Hippy Horse, you saw, didn't you, that the way I pulled the petal off was better than the way Robin pulled the petal off, wasn't it? (whispers) I can't see anything.
I think the problem here is one of trust.
You don't trust me as a director.
Of course I don't.
You're an idiot.
Well, I've got an idea.
Why don't we do a little trust exercise, OK? You fall back into my arms and I'll catch you.
That way, everyone here will see that you trust me and, more importantly, I'll know that you trust me.
―OK, then, if it's so important! ―Right.
(sighs) OK.
Gather round, everyone.
What I'm going to do is Argh! I wasn't ready! I wasn't ready! You are dead.
God! Yeah, that's it.
Really swing it round.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's it, Trevor.
It's like the hands of a clock going round really, really quickly.
Keep it clockwise.
Take a break.
Alex, I've got something very, very important to tell you.
Um, it Oh, look, you've got a beard.
That's great.
I've got a little bell on the end of mine, look.
It's good, isn't it? I've made a decision about the show.
I'm gonna sack Robin.
But Robin's brilliant.
I mean, you said so yourself.
He's the best thing in the show.
He's the best thing in the show by a mile.
No one could interpret the songs with such magnificence, no one could bring such raw power to the role, you know? I sometimes think he's the most talented performer I've ever seen.
I stand in the wings and think, "My God, this man is talented.
" I think he's a genius.
But a decision had to be made and the decision was he's had to go.
So so who's going to play the lead role? ―Me.
―You? Yeah.
Well, you know, I think it's the best thing for the show, you know? And I've always fancied myself as a bit of an actor.
―Have you? Really? ―Yeah.
Oh, look, there's Robin.
I'd better go and tell him.
I've got to be brave.
―Hey, man.
There's a rumour going round that you're about to throw me off the show.
―No, I've not heard that.
―Shut up, Ray.
―It's not something I've heard ―Shut up, Ray.
Have you stopped talking? Have you stopped talking? Did you make a funny little face at me? Don't you make a face at me, you little mouse.
Now listen, nobody throws me off a show.
I'm resigning.
The whole thing's a joke anyway.
And I never want to see you again.
If I do, I'll give you such a beating you will never forget it.
―Have you got that? ―Yeah.
You are a weak ―Are you listening to me? ―Yeah.
You are a weak, spineless No, no, wait.
I want you to write this down so you don't forget what you are.
Write this down.
―Shitty? Shitty.
It's just you were on nouns there, then suddenly adjectives, and it just feels Just remember, if I see you again after today, I will seriously assault you.
It was Alex's idea.
―What was? ―It was Everything.
It was all his idea.
And also, I think you should know that him and Vicky have had some sort of fling, so I think you should be a little bit more angry at him than you are at me.
You tell him that if I ever ―Are you listening to me? ―Yeah.
You tell him that if I ever catch sight of him again, I will— and I'm absolutely 100% serious about this— I will tear him limb from limb and throw him to the lions.
―What lions? ―The lions in the frigging zoo! It doesn't matter what lions! I just thought you might have had your own lions, that's all.
And listen, if you ever mess with me again, I will bite your prick off.
I thought you were gonna tear it off.
Whatever you prefer.
I think I'd prefer you to tear it off cos it's more hygienic, you know? It's Hobson's choice, isn't it, really? Ow! Ding-a-ling-a-ling, Ray.
It's a beautiful thing And all the animals in the forest sing I am a squirrel I am a hare We are the animals of Aquarius Oh, oh We are the animals of Aquarius Brilliant.
Well done, everybody.
Take a break.
Where have you been, Alex? Sorry.
I got chatting to a guy in a café, actually.
Anyway, how's it going? I'm very pleased with it, very pleased.
It's all working out really, really well.
It's brilliant, in fact.
It's a complete disaster, Alex.
It's just totally shit.
I just panicked, you know? Hector Dodd I should never have cast him as Jesus.
And I shouldn't have sacked Robin.
You should have stopped me, Alex.
That was your fault.
Well, maybe you can get him back.
No, no.
I He's a bit angry about the whole thing.
Is he? Maybe I can get him back.
Actually, for some reason, and I don't know why, but he's a little bit more angry at you than he is at me.
―Is he? ―Yeah.
So, just stay out of his way for a bit.
I see your beard's coming along very well, isn't it? ―You said you weren't gonna grow a beard.
―I did, actually, yes, but look at this Beard aftershave? It's just what you've always wanted.
You see, now I can grow a beard and wear aftershave.
The only thing about it is it's actually incredibly inflammable.
In fact, it's remarkably irresponsible of the makers to have put it on the market, but I think it's worth it because I can grow a beard and wear aftershave.
Don't let it get too long.
Remember what happened to Lawrence Pines.
Yes, yes.
He choked on his own beard.
Yes, he did.
It got too long and he choked on his own beard.
Still, we're very lucky, Alex, to be living in this decade that future generations will simply refer to as the "1960s".
(chuckles) La, la, la, hey, hey, hey Girl with a beard La, la, la, hey, hey, hey Girl with a beard You're a girl with a beard Hey, hey, hey, la, la, la And the weekend is here La, la, la, hey, hey, hey Nobody's going to put you down (squealing brakes) Girl with a beard You just want to have fun, fun La, la, la, hey, hey, hey Girl with a beard La, la, la, hey, hey, hey Girl with a beard It's a hairy, beardy, feminine world La, la, la More costumes, Dame Nelly.
Oh, goodness me! I've already selected my 17 costumes for this evening's performance.
I won't be needing any more, so you'd better take them elsewhere.
―There's no room in here, dear.
―All right.
(sings scales tunelessly) (traditional piano music) Oh, thank you so much! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to this nostalgic celebration of all your favourite old songs.
But I must reassure you, I will not be singing any of the songs from my new album.
(cheering) How are things in Piccadilly? Remember me to Leicester Square I miss you, my dear sweetie pie Oh, it's so cold, Dolly, in the trenches And I miss you, my dear Say hello to darling mother Oh.
Burning–beard situation.
Say hello to darling mother And I miss Ooh! Uh, sorry.
My beard seems to be on fire.
Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid tonight's concert has been cancelled.
(crowd groans) I do understand that there is more entertainment in the arts centre.
A musical—Love, Love, Love.
Alternatively, Iisten to me and my concertina.
(plays jaunty tune) So, uh, why did you stop taking the male hormones, Jill? (deep voice) There were other kinds of, uh, side effects that I didn't really think about.
I see you've done something with your hair, Hugo.
That's great.
Yeah, yeah.
Definitely suits me.
Did you know that Jill had a beard? I knew a woman with a beard once.
Well, she had more than a beard.
She had the whole tackle, all the bits downstairs and everything.
I thought she looked a bit like a docker.
―Who was that? ―That was, uh, Lee Hutton.
Lee Lee Hutton's a man.
And a docker.
Probably explains quite a lot then.
Probably should never have gone out with him.
It's great you've got Hector Dodd playing Jesus.
Uh, yeah, yeah.
You were lucky to get someone the right size.
Anyway, Ray, best of luck.
(pow) I'm so glad there's another musical on.
Do you know, I've not been up this late since Armistice night, 1918.
I got rat-arsed.
(jaunty music plays) Let it all hang out Brothers and sisters, look to the sky above We are the children of Aquarius Playing in the forest of love We are the children of Aquarius Running in the forest of love We are the children of Aquarius And there was me thinking I'd never see it again.
Let it all hang out Brothers and sisters, look to the sky above We are the children of Aquarius Playing in the forest of love We are the children of Aquarius We 're running in the forest of love We are the children of Aquarius ―(woman 's voice) Bye, guys.
―(both) Bye, Jill.
Where is it? Ah.
Must be here somewhere.
Oh, look, here's a strange thing.
Do you remember the other day I was telling you casually as if it wasn't in any way important that I had a chat to a guy in a café? It turns out he was from the Observer and he's turned our chat into a long interview with me.
What's your piece like? Yeah.
Um, it's