Hippies (1999) s01e06 Episode Script

Disgusting Hippies

The bird, he must fly And the fish, he must swim The horse, he must trot And the girl, she must slim Let's all join together Hoof in hoof, hand in hand Fin in fin, wing in wing It's a very good plan Let's build a love state Yeah Here in Notting Hill Gate! Oi! Hippy! Grab him! Grab him! Oi! Sorry I'm late.
I got chased by those builders again.
They just seem to hate me just cos I've got long hair, I think.
What are you doing, Alex? What? I'm I'm doing what I normally do.
―Which is what? ―What? Do you think it would kill you to just once, you know, once, give me a hand? (chuckles) That reminds me, actually.
Something very funny happened yesterday.
My father's hand tends to blow up during the warm weather.
―What? Explodes? ―No, no, no.
No, it just enlarges, you see.
It's extraordinary.
Alex, I am writing an article about the Black Panthers here, OK? I want to hear interesting subjects for articles, fresh ideas for the magazine.
I do not want to hear what shape your father's hand mutates into during the summer months! There's some serious changes have to be made here, you know? I think putting up the price of the magazine was a change, but I don't think it was a good change.
Well, people are hardly gonna stop buying the magazine just cos we put it up by a penny.
I just I get so frustrated, you know? I just I could I could Ohhhh! Argh! Argh! Argh! You know? Can I use the toilet? Yes.
It's through there.
―Who's that kid, Hugo? ―That's Adrian.
He's my son.
―I didn't know you had any kids.
―No, neither did I.
He just turned up on my doorstep this morning with a note which said: "This is Adrian, he's your son.
It's time for you to take responsibility.
" ―Hugo, um, how old is he? ―12.
―And how old are you? ―20.
I'm a Virgo.
―Did you wash your hands? ―Yep.
―Think I'm getting the hang of it.
―Adrian Hello.
I'm Ray Purbbs, and I'm the editor of Mouth magazine.
And I was just wondering, how did you find out that Hugo was your daddy? Mum just gave me a note and told me to go to 63 Wenlock Road.
Wenlock Road.
Which is definitely my address.
I can't figure it out, Ray.
Right, here's the thing— you only moved into that house yesterday.
So, what are you getting at, Ray? I think Ray's actually suggesting that Adrian's father is, in fact, the previous occupant.
It can't be that, can it? Yes, it is.
You said you were the guys from Mouth magazine? ―Yes, have you read it? ―Yeah, but it's not really my scene.
My friends and I find it rather insipid.
―Steady on.
―Yeah, steady on you little whippersnapper.
―Don't do that.
―Sorry.
―Seriously, don't do that! ―I'm sorry.
―Yeah, don't do that.
It's a bit embarrassing.
―I'm sorry.
I just ―So, you think it's insipid? ―Yes.
And I think you're going to lose readers with this price increase.
Incidentally, that's not Noel Redding, that's Mitch Mitchell.
You've got the wrong caption on the photograph.
Your dad got called a hippy today.
His barber's not so well so he couldn't get a haircut.
What's wrong with him, love? He killed himself.
―Oh, dear.
Why did he do that, then? ―He was going out of business.
No one wants haircuts any more, thanks to these bloody hippies.
Never mind.
I'm sure he'll be back in business before long.
Ray, you've got nose hair! ―Yeah, well, it's not uncommon, Mum.
―Yeah, but it's old man's nose hair! It's like your dad's! Do you remember the first time we spotted your old man's nose hair, love? Remember? Look, Ray, look.
It's a lovely souvenir of the onset of one's later years.
Happy times indeed—Dad sprouting hair all over the shop, me going through the change.
What's that other thing you got, love? Impudence, is it? You know, not being able to point at me without using your hands.
Do you know, Ray, there was a time when your dad could've directed traffic with it.
You'll never let me forget that, will you? Well, it was a memorable moment, love.
―Yeah, we're all getting old, aren't we, Ray? ―Yes, we are, Mum.
I'm an adult now, and sometimes that responsibility, the responsibility of being an adult, can sometimes be, quite frankly, overwhelming.
―I'm gonna go now.
―Oh, all right, love.
Look, here's your laundry, all nice and fresh.
―Thanks, Mum.
―Come on.
You! (both giggle) Oh, Desperate Dan.
He really does get up to some cowboy mischief.
Look at the size of that cow pie.
(chuckles) (chimes) Well? What do you think? ―What do we think of what? ―You haven't actually explained the idea yet.
―You just said, "What do you think?" ―Right, yes! I'm sorry.
I got very excited about the idea, said "What do you think?" and didn't tell you what it was.
I hope this isn't another example of your overenthusiasm and occasional recklessness.
I am not overenthusiastic and occasionally reckless, Jill.
Yes, you are.
Don't you remember? Phew, it's hot.
What are you doing, Ray? It's just so rare that we get weather like this.
I thought I'd get these really high-powered binoculars and stare at the sun for ages.
―I've been here for three hours now.
―Isn't that a bit dangerous? Oh, honestly, Jill.
It's not dangerous.
People are so ultra-cautious these days.
―So, what is the idea? ―Here we go.
You're gonna love this, right? The next issue of the magazine, yeah, we hand over to a bunch of schoolkids, right? We give them total editorial control and don't look at the magazine until it's in the shops.
What do you think, Jill? I'm going to use this to extinguish your mad idea, Ray.
You don't even know how to use that.
If you think I'm gonna let you cover me with water Alex, what do you think? I would strongly advise against this course of action, Ray.
In fact, if I was the sort of the man to get down on my knees, I would be down there now, on my knees, literally begging you not to do it.
Well, it's a good job you're not the kind of man that would be on his knees, then.
Certainly is, yes.
I haven't been on my knees since I boarded up a mouse hole in 1965.
I didn't like it then, I don't like it now, but I think the fact I'm even considering it shows just how opposed to the idea I actually am.
Right.
But I'm right in thinking that, in principle, you kind of like the idea? Yes, Cynthia.
Well, it depends on what your definition of "infantile" is, doesn't it? No, it isn't a criminal offence.
You No, well, I've to go, Cynthia, OK? Bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye.
She is such a fat lesbian.
―Who is? ―Um, my mum.
―Ew! ―Cup of tea.
―Can we get some sugar in this? ―Right, yes.
Sorry.
Get him to do it.
He doesn't seem to do anything else.
Hey, you.
―Sorry? ―Put some sugar in this, will you? I think this issue of the magazine will really freak people out.
Yeah, this issue's really gonna do that.
Once, I got this frog.
I stuck a huge firework up his arse and I lit it.
It was really great.
Stupid frog was blown to bits.
There was nothing left of him, except a bit of one of his eyes.
―That really freaked him out.
―(whimpering) Yeah, I suppose it did.
Here we are.
Oh, you wouldn't go down to the shops and get me this week's Topper, would you? ―Yes, Alex, it's a comic.
Go on.
―I haven't actually got any money on me.
You couldn't give me a little extra for cigarettes, could you? It's very unhealthy to smoke.
―Um, y ―Go on.
Right.
Since you're here, I might as well give you a big old tour of the office, shall I, show you what's going on.
This is the layout desk, OK? This is where the magazine is laid out, right? That's where you're working now.
And if I tootle over here, this is the typewriter and this that's where we do all our articles.
And here is the stationery drawer.
And in here, there's stationery.
And this is Jill and she is a woman.
Argh! I'm not an object, Ray.
Don't lump me in with the typewriter and stationery drawer.
Just remember, women are going to be the men of the 21st century.
What's that supposed to mean? Come on, Ray.
Even these kids know what that means.
―I don't.
―Yeah, what's she on about? Well, I mean, um, that the gender pecking order in tomorrow's world is going to be very much Well, the glove is going to be very much on the other foot.
In future, people are gonna be wearing gloves on feet? You're mental.
I didn't actually see that particular edition of Tomorrow's World, but I'm sure that the future will be full of that kind of stuff.
We'd better go.
You promise you won't look at the finished artwork until it's printed and in the shops? ―Yeah, that's the whole idea.
―Great.
―Bye.
―(Ray) Bye.
―There we are.
―Cheers.
Thanks very much.
I have to say, Alex, I find those kids slightly frightening.
Are you sure we shouldn't just have a little look at the artwork just before we send it off to the printer's? Alex.
Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex.
Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex.
Oh, you're back.
Great! Oh, fantastic, the issues.
I just hope when you see what they've done, you won't regret it.
Yeah, I bet you a million pounds that I won't regret it, OK? In fact, even if I win, you don't have to give me anything, right? But if I regret it, I will give you one million pounds.
I've just got this image of you after you've seen the magazine saying I didn't really mean the million-pound thing.
It was just a joke.
That's not gonna happen, Alex, OK? We got a deal? ―Deal.
―All right, OK.
Let's have a look.
Arghhhhh! (continues screaming) Shut up, Ray.
Why didn't somebody do something to stop me?! If either of you had just made some kind of indication that you thought what I was doing was wrong! ―I, uh begged you not to do it.
―So did I.
―Yeah ―I also wrote to you via the newspapers.
I put posters up in your room saying, "Please, Ray, don't do this.
" ―Then there was the billboard campaign.
―Yeah, but We hired a plane with a banner saying "Please do not hand the issue over to schoolchildren.
" That flew over the flat for three days.
―Right, that's what that was for? Right.
―Yeah.
I'm finished now, aren't I?! I'm completely finished! I'm gonna have to do something else, you know? Like acting or something.
―Acting.
―I've always fancied myself as an actor.
―Really? ―Yeah.
My father did acting during the war in concert parties.
He had to give up cos of his hands.
―Alex, we don't have time for this! ―Well, I know what I'm gonna do.
Great, Jill.
Decisive action, exactly what we need.
Well, she's probably a bit jealous or something.
I'll probably get convicted of obscenity and there'll be a big high-profile trial and there'll be lots of sympathetic goodlooking chicks I'll probably get off with.
I really hope you don't have to go to jail, Ray.
Jail looks very rough on the telly, very rough.
I really don't think I'm gonna have to go to jail.
Remember that thing you said back at the flat, "It's not as if? Yes, yes, yes.
Anyway, that's telly jail, isn't it? I really don't think that real jail could be as bad as it is on, say, Dixon of Dock Green.
I tell you something though, I could stand anything in prison but the lack of sex.
You know? I mean, imagine not being able to have sex all the time.
I think you know what I'm going to say now, Ray.
In fact, I think it's so obvious, I'm not even gonna say it.
Well, I can't imagine what you're gonna say, Alex.
I hope you weren't gonna say that me not having sex in prison isn't any different to me not having sex here cos I don't have sex in the non-prison world.
Yep, that's exactly what I was gonna say.
I think, in fact, if you go to prison, your chances of having sex will probably increase.
It could be the opportunity you've been waiting for.
Yeah, thank you for that, but I don't think I'm gonna stoop that low.
I think you might have to, Ray.
In fact, if I may use an analogy from American football, you look more like a wide receiver than a quarterback.
Yeah, well, I am not familiar with American football, Alex.
OK? Even though you have conjured up a rather startling image, thank you.
By the way, it's probably not worth me saying this now, but I didn't really mean the million-pound thing.
It was just a joke.
It's a horrific word.
No point in pretending otherwise.
It's a horrific word describing something very mysterious and taboo.
But, we must ask ourselves, is it an accurate description of Ray? Well, I would say no because I'm not one of those things.
―Yes, but he might look like one, though.
―What? The defence might hang on the question, "Does Ray look like one?" I think he looks like one.
―I think he looks uncannily like one.
―I think I look, at best, vaguely like one.
You know? But that's it, really.
Do I look like one more than Alex, say? I think Alex looks more like one than me because he has a very long face.
All interesting legal arguments and definitions.
That's why the law's so fascinating.
Oh, I know—I don't come from your world.
You probably regard me as very old-fashioned and Establishment.
But, even though I disagree with what you believe in, in fact, most of it is an anathema to me, I will defend you to the very utmost of my ability.
The very utmost, do you hear?! ―Where are you going? ―To sit here with my wife.
No, you're not.
You're going over there with your friends.
Go on, move.
There's room there.
Go on.
Sorry about that, madam.
It's that hippy, look.
What are you doing here? Get out of it.
Scruffy, long-haired git.
―Ray.
―Go on, Ray.
Peace, man.
Ray, Ray.
Ray.
Mum! (gavel) Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you are gathered here today to witness the trial of Ray Purbbs, editor of Mouth magazine.
He is charged with gross obscenity.
I shall first call on Mr Simon Goblett for the defence.
My Lord, it is important, in a trial such as this, to clearly identify the character of the defendant.
It is not likely to be an appealing portrait.
But, such is the perverse nature of the legal system, that one often finds oneself defending odious cretins like him, and that I shall do to the very utmost of my ability.
To the very utmost, do you hear?! So, is Mr Purbbs' mind indeed a cesspit of obscenity? Perhaps no one knows the peculiar sexual peccadilloes and motives of Mr Purbbs better than my first witness, Miss Cynthia Greening.
Oh, God! Not Cynthia.
(usher) Call Cynthia Greening.
Is there a problem here? Miss Greening has had an accident on her way to the court.
(laughs) Great! ―She hit a bus.
―Surely you mean she was hit by a bus? No, m'lud, it appears the main damage was done to the bus.
She is such a fat lesbian.
Since Miss Greening is unable to attend, I wish to call for a mistrial.
―Can I have a mistrial? ―No.
OK.
Then I would like to confer with my client.
He might have some ideas.
I haven't got a clue what to do.
Do you have any ideas? What? You're a defence lawyer! Look, you have to realise I'm in a very difficult position.
I have to defend somebody who's essentially a complete scumbag.
Well, OK, if that's how you feel, then maybe I should defend myself.
In fact, I think that's a good idea.
All those in favour? All those against? That puts me in a rather embarrassing situation.
Frankly, I've had enough of this.
I'm resigning.
To be honest, I rather hoped you'd be found guilty.
In fact, I put a huge bet on it.
Incidentally, that's highly unethical.
I'd be grateful if you didn't tell anyone.
What are we gonna do now? Alex, any thoughts? Yes, yes, I was just thinking about animals that hunt prey in the wild.
Pretty common occurrence, we've all seen footage on TV programmes.
I thought it would be a major breakthrough if there was an animal that could kill its prey and then cook it.
I think I've read about a small owl that can do that.
―Really? ―Yeah.
He can light a very basic fire.
Oh.
You mean, like, a sort of owl fire? ―Yes.
―Look, look, look, look, look.
―I don't wanna play Old Mother Henty here ―Who's Old Mother Henty? A character in my novel.
She comes in and talks sense when everyone's talking rubbish.
None of us have read your novel, Ray.
It's not even been published.
OK, I know it's an obscure reference, but this is a serious situation.
I don't know much about the law, Ray, but I do know that if you call on Jill and Alex and me to speak in your defence, we will do the very utmost, uh, to to try and get you off.
Yes, and then there was the poster campaign and the aeroplane flying over the house.
No, I've already mentioned that.
I even asked my father for some advice in deterring Ray from his ill-advised strategy.
He was involved in counterintelligence in Borneo during the war.
I say, you look terribly familiar.
―Was your father at Harrow? ―Yes, he was, actually, yes.
―Herbert Picton-Dinch.
―Yes.
He was an extraordinarily gifted pianist.
Does he still play? Well, no.
Um, there's a rather amusing anecdote about why had to give up the piano.
―Do we? Do we have time for that? ―No, we don't, Alex! ―Of course we have time.
―Well, um Oh, there's a long version and a short version.
Let's have the long version.
Dad was in Borneo at the end of the war and the sun was absolutely blazing down.
And he said to me Extraordinary thing was, his hand completely covered the tank.
Mr Yemps, how would you describe me? In as accurate and honest a way as possible, but maybe bending the truth slightly in an effort to get you off.
Let's start again.
Describe me.
―You look like a cu ―(bangs gavel) Sorry.
Just trying this out.
OK.
How would describe me as a person? Sorry, Ray, I'm really frightened.
I don't think I can I thought I'd be OK, but I'm just cracking up.
―Well, all you have to do ―OK! I did it, OK? I did it.
What's the point in pretending? I know I'll probably go down for a long, long, long time, but I can't live with it on my conscience any more.
Hugo, you're not on trial here.
I would've got away with it, if it wasn't for that pesky dog.
I don't understand this.
What exactly did you do? I stole the World Cup! Miss Sprint, now, we have been going out for a number of years now.
―No, we haven't.
―Yeah, well, we Well, on and off anyway.
It's an open relationship.
I have to say, I don't know if there's anything I can say that will help Ray, but he did ask me to try anything to impress the jury.
―Yes, I would appreciate that.
―So, I can do this Excellent hat trickery, Jill.
Now, Miss Greening was going to tell us about your sex life with Mr Purbbs.
I think it may help the jury if you were to describe in some detail Mr Purbbs' activities in this area, and don't be afraid of going into detail.
Well, when I first started going out with Ray, it was all fairly orthodox—kissing (romantic music) So pretty big decision tomorrow.
Yes, Alex, it's very likely that I'm gonna go to prison.
―Sorry, are you talking about the judgement? ―Yeah.
What are you talking about? Who's gonna captain the Davis Cup team.
No, Alex, I'm talking about the judgement.
I'm gonna go to prison.
You know, I don't care.
Most of my heroes have been in prison— Lenin, Ho Chi Minh, Fidel Castro.
―I'm looking forward to joining them.
―They're all in Parkhurst, are they? No, I mean in the historical suffering context, you know? I'm really looking forward to going to prison, I really am.
I'm gonna be like a martyr.
There's gonna be a big campaign to get me out headed by Jill.
(yawns) Oh, dear, well, Hector Dodd's invited us all for a drink, shall we all go and join him? ―I can't, can I, Alex? ―Why not? ―I'm in prison.
―Ah, well, I'll send Hector your best.
―Bye, Ray.
―Bye, Hugo.
Argh! (bones crack) Argh Well, goodbye, Ray.
And remember, we can still have mind sex while you're in prison.
―Great, yeah.
―But don't do that thing you do on your own.
―What's that? ―You know what I mean, Ray.
That making glue without boiling a horse.
All right, yeah.
Bye.
You know, I never thought I'd say this, but seeing you in prison all banged up forever, it's made me feel really horny.
Bye-bye.
In 30 years' time, people will look back at the young people of the '60s and see that they changed the world! OK, we may not have had all the answers, but at least we tried to make a difference! And you know what's wrong with that? Oh, look, there's that man who directs traffic with his knob.
Ray Purbbs, you have been found guilty of gross obscenity.
It is not my intention to make a martyr of you by sending you to prison.
Instead, I am imposing a fine of £3 and four months' community service in Cirencester.
Really? Shit.
(Jill) OK, brilliant.
A full page? Well, fantastic.
Great.
We'll invoice you and Yes.
Bye.
Great! That's £300 already, this issue.
Giving away a free false inkblot really seems to be attracting the advertisers.
Good work, Jill.
(Alex chuckles) Plus, my, uh my comic strip seems to have turned out rather well.
It's a great idea, Alex—the adventures of a wartime piano player with a giant hand.
Yeah.
(chuckles) Have you taken out that box of rubbish yet, Hugo? Yeah.
One second, I'll just do that.
―I'm back! ―Ah, Ray.
The muzzle of silence they fitted was too loose for the lips of the man future generations will simply call Ray Purbbs! I Because it was too loose, you see? I can still speak through the gaps.
And I'm ready to change the world! But first first I'll take out this rubbish.
Love peace, love peace, love love Peace lo-o-o-o-ove Peace, love love, peace, love love Peace love, peace love, peace love Peace love, peace peace peace peace Pe-e-e-e-eace love Love peace, love peace, love peace Peace peace peace, love peace, love And all that we 're singing Is love peace, peace, love love