Hit the Road (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

It's My Party

1 (Birds chirping) KEN: (Whistles) Honey.
Babe, come on.
Wake up.
It's almost 10:00.
Why can't we ever just lie in? We're always so scheduled.
'Cause we're on a schedule.
We're doing the hustle, huh? This band doesn't manage itself.
Actually, that's exactly what it does.
You know what I mean.
Come on.
Yeah, but it just seems like one day a year, I should be able to let all of that go, just one day.
What day would that be, Ken? Honey, I don't have a day wh Oh, God, babe.
I screwed up.
I was wondering if you'd remember.
- It's somebody's birthday.
- Uh-huh.
No, no, I just I wrote down "birthday," but I don't remember whose.
Is it Jermaine? Jermaine's is in March.
Is it one of the real kids? Oh, God.
Is it my birthday? Oh, for fuck's sake.
Is it my birthday? God damn it.
It's me, Ken.
My birthday.
Who is losing their sense of humor in their old age, huh? (Laughing) I know it's your birthday.
All right.
Come on, you just you just stay right there and sleep in.
I'm going to go make you some breakfast, because it is your special day.
(Quietly) Happy birthday.
(Cutely) Thank you.
Shit, shit, shit.
Well, you guys screwed up.
How did we screw up? Whose birthday is it today? Jesus's! You think it's Christmas, Alex? Is that what the holiday is about? Okay, it's Mom's birthday.
I don't know how you all forget that.
Oh, no, that's terrible.
Did you get her something? I'm making her pancakes.
That's it? That's not a real gift, Dad.
Hey, I do me, you do you, okay? Get online, start to order something, look around, rustle something up.
She's going to be out here in a minute.
This needs to be a party bus.
What's in there? I went on a drugstore run.
What the fuck?! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's good.
It's not perfect, but it will have to work! - Okay.
- Ooh, popsicles.
- Ooh! - Just leave my stuff alone! We should put these in the freezer.
We should put these in the freezer.
All right, just put it maybe wrap it, maybe wrap it.
Honey, could you put those back on the table? - Put 'em on the table.
- Why? Put 'em on the table.
Happy birthday, dear Mom Happy birthday to you Ooh, sparkles! Sparkles! Yay! Zero boyfriends! This is so special, you guys.
- Thank you, kids.
- Oh, we have gifts.
- No.
- Give her the bag, Ria.
Sorry, we didn't wrap them.
We're just being environmentally conscious.
Oh! - Thank you, guys.
- No, that's from me, too, yeah.
I mean, who doesn't love mouthwash, right? I know I do.
Oh, it's a it's a it's a whole dental theme.
(Chuckles) - Okay.
Um, this is open.
- I had to borrow one.
- Ria, seriously? - Give it back! - That would not be wise.
- It's fine.
(Laughs) - Shaving cream.
- Yeah, yeah, you could use that for your legs.
Or your moustache.
That's so thoughtful.
(Clears throat) You're always cleaning.
Well, I'm speechless.
(Laughs) I'm just going to go back in my room and think about what a lucky girl I am.
- Happy birthday, Mom! - Love you, Mommy! Happy birthday, Mama! Hey.
I've been telling the kids your birthday was coming for months.
I don't know how they dropped the ball.
I do.
I know, I know.
I screwed up.
I'm so sorry.
I'm just I've got so much on my mind and I just I just blew it.
No, it's not you, it's me.
Good with that.
(Voice breaking) I'm invisible.
I'm not Meg, I'm Wife and I'm Mom.
Of course, you're Meg.
You all forgot my birthday and you gave me toiletries and cleaning supplies.
Would you have done that to Meg? No, Meg would've hated that.
I'm disappearing.
And it's not just my birthday, it's it's the fact that I thought this trip would be the great adventure, you know, back to our rock and roll days.
We started a riot at a college campus.
We ripped off an entire community of neo-Nazis.
How much more rock and roll can we get? Yeah, but where are we going with this? You kidding me? In four days, we're playing the Mall of America.
Parking lot of the Fran Tarkington Furniture Warehouse Grand Re-opening.
At which any of his former Super Bowl colleagues could show up.
I'm so stupid.
I thought this was going to be like it used to be.
You know, when we were wild and crazy and romantic.
But guess we're just too old for that.
(Sobbing) Okay.
Swallowettes, we need to put everything into road mode.
We're going to head out in five minutes.
Where to? We're going to spend the night in a hotel for Mom's birthday.
- Yes! Oh, thank you, Jesus.
- Will there be a pool? - Forget the pool, spa, baby girl, whoo! - Hold on, baby girl.
Mom and I are going to spend the night in a hotel.
You guys are going to spend the night on the bus in the parking lot.
Wait, why can't we stay in the hotel? Because it's already costing a small fortune as it is.
It's okay, guys.
We can go into town and do other stuff.
- Yeah.
- Yes, sorry, pal.
There's no town, there's nothing around this place, except a highway.
- What? - Dad, come on.
Hey, hey, hey! It's your own fault.
You forgot her birthday.
But so did you.
How come you get to go to the hotel? Yeah, why are we the only ones who get screwed? Okay, look, Mom is feeling a little unappreciated and a little stir-crazy and we think getting away from you little twats for a night is a good idea.
Did she call us "twats"? No, I added the twats, but it was implied.
- D-does that include me? - Much less so.
She's a fan.
Okay, guys, I'm kidding.
We love all of you.
But Mom does all the heavy lifting in this family, and I think it would be nice for her to spend one day without having to be the adult.
God, you guys make such a big deal about being the adult.
You know, it's not that fricking hard.
Oh, good, then you won't mind being the adult.
- I'm leaving you in charge.
- Uh, I'm not doing that.
(Gasps) Can't handle it? - Make it worth my while.
- Name your price.
I want to talk to our manager, Kushman, on the phone, me and him, no you.
- Done.
- Have a nice night.
- Thank you so much.
- Get out of my face.
Oh, my God.
We're free.
This is heaven.
- Ooh.
- Feel like a little kid.
Hey, you really want to feel like a little kid? - Observe.
- Oh, Ken, no.
Yes, yes.
(British accent) Hello, my good man.
We have a reservation, last name "Jablome," first name "Heywood.
" (Typing) Heywood Jablome? That is correct.
(British accent) Of the Montclair Jablomes.
Upper, Upper Montclair.
Guys, come on, this is going to be so awesome.
- Why won't you listen, man? - Yeah, just listen.
What are you talking about? We can do whatever we want.
- Alex, no, man, you can't go.
- What the hell are you doing? Mom and Dad said to stay here.
They said we can't stay at the hotel, they didn't say we can't visit the hotel.
Alex, don't be a dick.
I promised Dad we're staying here, so we're staying here.
You're staying here, because you're the adult.
I'm not the adult and I packed swimsuits for everyone.
- Wait.
You're going to the pool? - Yeah.
Well, if he's going to the hotel, we go to the hotel.
Yeah, that that only seems fair.
Fuck fair.
Alex, Alex, get back here.
Hey, no, I will kick your ass! Alex! - Do, do, do - No, Casey.
Casey, hey, listen to your sister.
I will not teach you how to rip, okay? - No Jermaine? - Bye.
Jermaine? Jermaine? Come on, don't enable her.
Ah Oh, funny.
Screw it.
We're swimming, we're swimming Ooh, yeah! We're swimming, yeah! Okay, maybe we'll go, just for a little bit to stretch our legs.
But only because I said so.
Hey, should I order up some bubbly for my birthday girl? Absolutely.
(Giggles) (Phone beeps) (British accent) Yes, it's Mr.
Jablome in 5-3-1.
I'd like a bottle of your very best champagne, please.
(Chuckles) (Normal voice) How much is that? Wow.
Got anything less expensive? Yeah, wine coolers, fine.
Oh, honey, they were all out of champagne, but I improvised.
Um, did you mean it when you said I could have anything I wanted tonight? - Of course, I did.
- Anything goes? Babe, you want to dance, we dance.
You want to dine, we dine.
Spa, pool, night club, go crazy.
I want a threesome.
- You're serious? - I am completely and utterly serious.
Well, you little minx.
Happy birthday, Margie.
Let me think.
I'm not even sure how we get another woman up here - late in the day, but - No, not a woman.
I want to have a threesome with you and another man.
A Devil's threesome?! - No way! No! - You said anything.
Anything reasonable.
Anything that actually occurs in nature.
But trust me, this is a universal thing.
One hot dog per bun.
Kenneth Richard Swallow, you promised me crazy times again for one night.
I want wild, I want insane.
I want I want danger and reckless abandon.
It is my birthday.
And lest we forget, you owe me.
- Owe you? - We forget.
August 1996, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Lisa Tarzia, assistant box office manager at the Ackerman Civic Auditorium.
Who got down on his knees and begged me to fulfill his Penthouse Magazine fantasy? - I did.
- And who downed down 'ludes and three shots of tequila to grant the aforementioned request? - You did.
- And who ejaculated within four minutes of hitting the mattress? Was it four minutes? And who spent the next 2 1/2 hours vomiting tequila after lunatic Lisa left? Yeah, but some of that was me vomiting from you vomiting.
You owe me, Jablome.
So fire up that grill, buddy boy, because tonight, I want two hot dogs in my bun.
- Oh, this place is sweet.
- Just be cool.
We're just looking around.
Do not draw attention.
- Cookies! - Casey.
MAN: Excuse me? Can I help you? It's okay.
Our parents are staying here.
- Your parents? - Yeah.
May I have their names, please? Swallow, Ken and Meg Swallow.
I'm sorry, there's no one by that name registered here.
And the hotel facilities are for guests only.
And I have to ask you to leave.
That's a messed-up policy, man.
Please, don't make me call security.
My brother grew up in very desperate circumstances.
Can he at least have one cookie? No.
I could've told you.
It very seldom works.
MEG: Who'd have thunk escort guys were this cute? You can't go by an app.
This is photoshopped.
These guys could all be trolls.
- Will you relax? - Relax? There's a perfect stranger coming to our room.
- This is very unsafe.
- I know, right? What if he posts about this online? America's finest family band how's that going to play to the world? Yeah, that's the world's biggest problem.
Here we go.
I like this one and he is available.
I'm going to put in our information.
No, no.
He's only available, because nobody else wants him.
Maybe he's terrible, maybe he can't even get it up.
There's no reviews, there are no stars.
We should look for somebody else.
- And "send.
" - Aw, fuck! Better do some manscaping, stud.
Last time I checked, looked like a prairie dog was hiding in a topiary.
Alex! Wait, we are not breaking into this hotel, okay? I'm in charge.
It's time to go back to the bus.
- Oh, my backpack.
- You little asswipe.
- You are such a child.
- You're worse than Mom.
Shut up, I am not worse than Mom.
Jermaine, up and over.
What? Why me? Well, Casey's too small, you can't hoist me, and Ria no help with that huge stick up her ass.
- Eat me.
- Ooh.
What if there's security cameras? We're kids.
Nobody's going to do anything to us.
- Being white must be fun.
- Being in this pool is going to be fun.
- Let's go, bro.
- Hurry up.
- Oh, my God.
- Get up, get up.
Up and over.
I did it! Yeah! Oh, no! (Impacts, squeaks) (Moaning from TV) Kenny? Come here! If your back isn't hurting too much, we should try this.
He's late.
If his pimp is worth anything, this guy is going to be showing up with cut marks.
You're right.
Screw it.
I don't want to wait for him anymore.
Let's go to that little tiki bar across the street.
Yes, perfect, thank you.
Now you're being reasonable.
We'll find a guy there.
- Oh, this is the life! - Yeah! ALEX: Come on, guys, get in.
Uh, the pool is closed.
We broke in, there is no lifeguard.
Somebody here has to be responsible, douchebag.
Come in the pool, Jermaine.
I'm good.
Come on, it's not cold.
I'm I'm good.
No, thanks.
Come on, J-bro, cannonball it.
I can't swim.
Okay? There, go ahead, make fun of me.
Ha, ha.
I get it.
I'm a cliché.
- Black guy can't swim.
- What are you worried about? We got a totally adult lifeguard standing by.
(Hawaiian music playing) Okay.
So what do you say we split up? I will be at the bar and you can work the room.
Why are we doing this? Because you love me, you owe me, and it's my birthday, it's my birthday.
Can I have a gin and tonic? Thank you.
Nice place.
Full of beautiful people.
But beauty isn't everything.
Inner beauty counts, too.
Sometimes it's what's inside that makes a person really worthwhile.
Well, we're not bad-looking guys, right? Could I ask you to entertain kind of a crazy? Nuts at the bar are fresh.
I'm allergic to The hell you doing? I'm interviewing a potential lover.
- What does it look like? - A potential lover? Why don't you just dig up the rotting corpse of the Elephant Man? - I'll get freaky with that.
- All right, he's not that bad.
Would you fuck him? Well, if that's the criteria, we're going to be trolling this place for quite some time.
Who do you want? (Gasps) Him.
Are you out of your mind? That guy's a 10.
If you think I'm letting you bang a 10? Well, I'm not going below a 6.
And I don't want anybody better looking than me, so above a 7 and they're out.
You're a 7? Really? Yeah.
6 1/2.
(Imitates pop) Dude, seriously, I'm getting all pruny.
Just jump in.
- What if I drown? - It's shallow.
I'm standing here.
What's the worst that could happen? For God sakes, if you're going to do it, just do it.
Wh? What the fuck just happened? Where is he?! Shit.
How you doing? Hi.
Um Like to? Oh.
Hey, I don't want to rain on your little penis parade, - but this thing is a bust.
- I am not giving up.
Hey, what about that guy? His face is a 5, but his belt buckle is like an 8, so that rounds out to a 6.
You're giving a belt buckle the same value as a face? It's a pretty nice buckle.
Stop messing with the math.
You're perverting the process.
And you're running out of options.
How you doing tonight? I'm Meg.
That's my husband, Ken.
My name is Darryl.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, Darryl.
You little asshole.
You are so lucky I didn't have my phone in my pocket or I would be drowning all three of you right now.
I have never see anything like that in my life.
You disappeared in like a foot of water.
That was some serious David Blaine shit.
I thought I was going to have to give you mouth-to-mouth.
- Gross, right? - I can breathe.
- Oh, my God.
- I can breathe.
I'm just freezing.
- Thank you.
- What's that? It's a room key.
- It says "executive suite.
" - Don't even think about it.
Come on, someone's probably in there.
Or they're not, because they don't have their key.
- Give me that.
- There's only one way to find out.
No, I am so serious right now.
All right, I'm going to give you the key, but Jermaine is freezing and you're soaking wet and there's not that much hot water on that bus.
I-I just think that a hero and a victim deserve a little bit better.
I must say, this is the last thing I was expecting this evening.
You and me both.
Just a heads up, we have a three-drink limit at the mini-bar rule.
Just a little bit nervous.
Never really done anything like this before.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what? Speaking to that, I thought it would be a good time to just go over a few basic rules.
The essential rule which we must adhere to, your thing and my thing, it's not a playdate.
They're not going to be friends.
Rule number 2, no eye contact.
Got it.
No eye contact between you and I.
Between you and anyone.
Don't look at me, don't look at her.
- Where do I look? - Down, just look down.
Rule number 3, let's be respectful with the dirty talk.
- Ken? - Yeah? - Quick word? - Yeah.
Number 4, no discharging on any personage.
When you're ready to pop, go for the tub or the the bowl, right? Oh, rule number 5, I'm a little sensitive about my weight right no What is it with all these rules? You're killing the mood.
What? I just don't want anything touching or hitting me.
I don't think that's a lot to ask.
You did jack off two strange men in a public bathroom.
Hey, hey, I did that for the family.
And now, you're doing this for me, so suck it up, shut it up, and get it up.
Darryl, won't you join us? I-I'd just like to circle back to rule number 17, if I could.
Written consent is required for anything from the rear.
(Lock beeps) (High-pitched) Hello? Housekeeping! - Oh, whoa.
- CASEY: What? JERMAINE: Oh, Lord.
He really do exists.
And I think He lives here.
Yeah, He does! (Laughing) You like that, Darryl? Huh? Are your nipples sensitive? That's actually a little skin tag.
Oh, okay.
Darryl, why don't you come up here and, Ken, why don't you come down there? And which way am I going, left or right? - Down.
- I'm trying to know which lane I'm in.
I don't want to smash into anything.
I'll move with the traffic and go left.
KEN: See you never got around to using that razor the kids gave you, huh, Meg? You just licked my thigh, Ken.
Oh, shit! Oh! Oh! Oh! What was that?! I think we just broke the essential rule.
Oh, God! (Grunts) (Sobbing) Jesus, Ken.
You don't need to cry.
It's not that big of a deal.
I'm not crying, I'm dry heaving.
Somebody else is crying.
Darryl, what is wrong? (Voice breaking) I'm sorry.
It's just I recently divorced.
My wife left me.
- Oh.
Sorry to hear that.
- My daughter blames me.
She won't see me.
She just hangs out at her boyfriend's house, who's 20 years older than her and fills gumball machines for a living.
My doctor told me I have a spastic colon.
He said I can't have bagels anymore.
(Sobs) I have to confess something to both of you.
I was this close to taking my own life tonight.
But being wanted again has given me a reason to live.
These are tears of joy.
I'm so grateful to both of you.
Ken, can I talk to you for a second, honey? We'll just be a sec.
(Sobs) - Get him out of here.
Get him out.
- What? He is a downer.
He's crying.
Get rid of him.
Honey, the man is suicidal.
You can't abandon him now.
- His life's in our hands.
- Then you sleep with him.
This is not a pity party, it's a birthday.
Oh, my God, the bathtub is a Jacuzzi.
I feel like Jell-O right now.
And the toilet has a water fountain for your butt.
You got to try it.
Heads up, I called down to the spa and ordered a couple's shiatsu and aromatherapy in 30 minutes.
Where'd all this food come from? Oh, I called room service and they were like, "Hello, Mrs.
Heath," so I just went with that.
I tried to tell them that this was irresponsible and wrong.
But then I realized, I don't Say it.
- I don't give a shit! - (Laughter) Look, I want to do stupid things while it's still okay to do it.
- Why can't I be a kid? - I hear that.
This adult shit can suck it.
(Lock beeps) Hello? What are you doing in my room? (Screaming, yelling) - Go, go, go, go! - Let's go! - Hey, buddy.
- Is Meg turned off? No, no.
Meg's way into this.
(Shower starts) She's just she's she's having a rough day.
Don't don't blame yourself.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
Could you put your hand back on my shoulder? That felt really good.
- Sure.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, I'm just a little bit wound up, I guess.
- (Laughs) Yeah.
- Oh, a little bit harder.
Oh, this is really helping me a lot.
- Okay.
- Oh.
You have amazing hands, Ken.
ALEX: There's a door open on the next balcony, come on.
JERMAINE: Guys, I think this one is open.
(Chuckles) Just Excuse me for for one minute.
- Darryl gone? - We need to go.
- Trust me.
We need to go.
- Wh? - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Press it! Faster! What the hell are you guys doing?! - Dad! - We found the champagne.
There was this card and (Chatter) Those are the people that were chasing us.
- Those are the little felons.
- Why are you chasing them? Why are we being chased?! What's going on?! - Ken? - What?! - This is fun.
- Stop! Stop! What the hell were you all thinking? Ju Give me this.
Breaking into people's rooms, climbing across balconies? You could've gotten caught.
You could've gotten hurt.
- But they didn't.
- RIA: It's my fault.
I was supposed to be the adult and I screwed it up.
I'm sorry I messed up your birthday, Mom.
But can I still talk to Kushman? Please? Please? Please? Please? Why don't we leave Kushman for the adults? So did you guys have fun or? - Yeah! - Mom, it was so much fun.
And champagne is delicious.
Shh! And Jermaine can swim now, kind of.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
How was your birthday, Mom? Well, it wasn't quite rock and roll, but it was a good try.
- Good night, you guys.
- Good night.
- Love you, Mom.
- Good night.
Hey, Megs? Should I grab a hot dog from the fridge in case there's any empty buns? I'm not really hungry.
I'm feeling a little guilty about Darryl.
Hey, Jermaine? You know, sometimes adults find themselves in circumstances that they'd rather not find themselves in Dad? Can we leave it at that? Yeah, I think that's best.
What was that all about? Trust me, you do not want to know.
(Knocking) - Heywood Jablome? - Why not?