Hogan's Heroes (1965) s01e05 Episode Script

ANNOUNCER: CBS presents this program in color.
( theme song playing ) ( whimpering ) Shh.
Bismarck, get out, you stupid dog.
Raus.
( whimpering ) Well, Baroness, welcome to Stalag 13.
Oh, Colonel Hogan.
You are Colonel Hogan? I'd be a fool to say no.
LeBeau, get back up and keep a lookout, huh? Right.
I am sorry.
It is just that I thought I would never feel safe again, not even for a moment.
And for this moment, I thank you.
Our house is your house.
It's fantastic.
Oh, I should not have come.
All Germany is looking for me, and they will find me.
Very thorough-- we Germans.
I've put your work in danger.
Baroness Lili.
Baroness is behind me.
Lili.
I like that.
Lili, our job right now is to get you out of Germany.
I will never get out.
My picture and description are everywhere.
That's why you're going by plane.
A plane? From England? But where would it land? We couldn't figure that out, so we're building one.
You are joking.
Care to see our factory? You are joking.
Even free, it would take months, and you are prisoners.
Fewer distractions.
LeBEAU: Colonel Hogan, I don't know.
It seems urgent.
Terrible timing.
LeBeau, see Madame to her quarters, please.
I'll make this short.
Colonel I will be safe here? Not if I can help it.
Colonel Hogan, I have sent for you because I want to tell you a very funny joke.
You're kidding.
A very funny joke.
You'll enjoy it.
Look, Colonel, it's almost 9:00, and chances are, I've heard it.
You will sit there, and you will enjoy it! Oh, boy.
It seems there were these two, uh, what you call race track touts.
Now, one tout was telling the other about meeting a very rich man at the race track who bought him food, drinks and introduced him to pretty girls.
Yeah.
Now, the tout told him to bet on eight losers in a row.
The next day the rich man still wanted to meet the tout at the track.
"Did you meet him?" the first tout asked.
What do you think the second tout answered? I could never guess.
"I had to lose him.
He was bad luck.
" ( laughs ) That's a real thigh- slapper, all right.
Look, if there's nothing There is something else.
Ever since you've been at Stalag 13, strange things are happening, very strange.
Really? Yes.
Only last night an American plane was shot down close to camp.
The pilot was seen to parachute to earth, yet our guards found no pilot.
The next morning we didn't even find an airplane.
That is strange.
Yes.
Yesterday a German baroness disappeared, a special friend of a Cabinet Minister.
Disappeared, ha.
Defected is what she did.
She was sighted, headed in the direction of this camp.
Now, the Gestapo are asking questions.
Do I need the Gestapo asking me questions? Colonel Klink, just what is it you're implying? I am implying that strange things are happening.
Tanks disappear and end up in the recreation hall.
Trains are blowing up.
Out of a locked humidor, my cigars vanish.
Are you suggesting that I'm responsible? I am suggesting nothing.
But you are bad luck.
I shall have to lose you.
Lose me? Oh, you mean send me home.
( chuckles ) Much as I appreciate that Silence! You will stay right here.
Langenscheidt! Yes, Herr Kommandant? Call in Colonel Crittendon at once.
He is here, Herr Kommandant.
Colonel Crittendon reporting to camp commandant as requested.
Colonel Hogan, may I present Colonel Crittendon of the Royal Air Force? How do you do, Hogan? Just shot down? Months ago.
I've been in Stalag 18.
You had him transferred? What is your exact date of rank, Colonel Hogan? You know my date of rank.
I guess he has about ten years on me.
Twelve, actually.
That makes him senior prisoner of war officer.
Nice going, Klink.
No offense to you, Crittendon.
Know how you feel, old boy.
I'll pop in on you in the morning to take over, right after calisthenics.
We don't do calisthenics.
Oh? Right after morning parade, then.
We don't parade, either.
Well, well.
Quite a bit of shaking up to do, what? Commandant.
Nice fellow, hey, Hogan? Would you care for a cigar? If I can't steal them honestly, I don't want them.
Colonel, you can't just take this lying down.
When you get the pink slip, you get the pink slip.
What can I do? Hold out for a gold watch? Well, we're going to do something about it.
What? Well, uh, we'll hold an election.
That's it! That's the first time in military history.
We'll hold an election.
We'll get all the guys in the camp together and we'll just Or something like that.
Look, why don't we all escape, huh? That's a great idea! Hold it! Hold it! We're not here to escape.
There's work to be done.
What, under Crittendon? This is bigger than any one man.
Have you told him about the Baroness? Not yet.
He's out doing calisthenics.
( all chattering ) You're joking.
I'm not going to do that.
Wait a minute.
The British didn't send this Crittendon to take Colonel Hogan's place.
The French didn't send him.
And the Americans didn't send him.
So, we can just ignore him, right? ( all chattering ) Wrong! He's senior prisoner of war officer now and he's in charge of operations.
Look, everything's going to turn out just fine.
( indistinct grumbling ) Morning, chaps.
Hello, Colonel.
Like to introduce you to my staff.
Sergeant Kinch is in charge of operations.
Corporal LeBeau is our chef, and this is No need for that, old boy.
Nothing against these fellows at all, but of course I'll choose my own.
This is my desk? I was just clearing it out, yeah.
The maid hasn't been in this morning.
( laughs ) Jolly good.
Well, let's get down to business, shall we? Uh, Colonel, there are a few things I think you should know about Stalag 13.
Of course, old boy.
Picked them up already.
You have? No calisthenics, which mean flabby bodies, which means flabby minds, which means a flabby camp.
Flabby.
No parades, which means low morale, which means Jerry knows he's got us in a box, which means a bad show all 'round.
Bad show.
Do you realize, since this camp was opened, there has not been one escape? Not one.
Bad show? Terribly.
It is the duty of every prisoner of war to make the utmost effort to escape and rejoin his own national forces.
I myself have made No luck? Caught every time.
Uh, Colonel, our operation here is not what you're quite used to.
Definitely, old boy.
So, let's get digging, chaps.
Now, I need some thin types down in the hole with me.
Long arms, dig like badgers, those types.
Let's see.
Uh-huh, very good, we'll give you a try.
What's your name, Corporal? Uh, Newkirk, sir.
Bit flabby, but you're English.
We'll take you.
Well, actually sir, me mother's more Welsh.
Coal miners! The very best.
We'll start digging this morning.
Colonel, before you begin, let me put a hypothetical case to you.
Yes, of course, old boy.
Suppose you were in a camp that specialized in helping other people out of Germany.
Other people? What other people? Suppose a German who had lots of information about the German High Command.
But that would be spying.
You could say that, yes.
In that case, which would be definitely bad form for prisoners of war, I would hand over any information I had to the German camp commander.
You would? Like a shot.
Do you happen to know of any such operation? Just asking.
Well, chaps, let's get to digging, men.
Happy digging.
See you at parade.
No, Colonel Right turn, double march! Hut, two, three, four.
Hut, two, three, four.
Bad show? ( riveting ) No, no, Colonel.
Not even of you will I believe it.
No.
Simple operation, really.
We're all Air Force men.
We saw the plane crash.
We merely went out and got the parts.
Along with Lieutenant Harris.
He's going to fly you out of here.
How you got it in, I can almost believe, because it is here.
But how you will get it out and me in it, no.
We'll work out something.
But what? We like to play these things like Eliza crossing the ice.
It keeps us on our toes.
When we figure it out, you'll be the first to know.
It is impossible.
And somehow, I think it will happen.
Thank you.
A fantastic operation.
And a fantastic man in charge.
Well, actually, I'm not in charge.
That would be Colonel Crittendon.
Who is that? Where is he? At the moment he's digging.
An escape tunnel? Mm-hmm.
Good man.
I hope he makes it.
He's mad, you know.
The whole thing's mad.
Kind of primitive alongside of the tunnels we've got.
We could be at this for months.
You know, it's enough to drive a man to escape.
I have to bite me tongue to keep from telling him.
Better not.
Colonel Hogan would bite more than your tongue.
Right.
Well, maybe we'll have a cave-in.
It'd be a nice, clean way out.
CRITTENDON: Newkirk! Ow! Better watch your head.
Oh, thanks, Carter.
Come on.
Give me a bucket.
Yeah, here you go.
Thanks.
I don't know how those gophers do it, you know? I just really don't.
It's one long thing, up and down.
Newkirk! I'm coming, sir.
Hey, Colonel.
What is it, Kinch? Listen.
Digging? Sounds like it.
Is it one of them? Worse-- I think it's one of us.
What do we do, Colonel? Was he serious about turning us in to the Germans? Very serious.
We can't let him.
We've got to stop him.
Absolutely.
All right.
Hold it, hold it.
What you've got to realize is we're very limited to what we can do here.
He's still in command.
We can't go against the Articles of War.
I mean, once discipline breaks down, we're no better than a mob.
Hello? However, accidents will happen.
Well, how we feeling, better? Peculiar thing, Hogan.
I can't remember a thing about the cave-in.
Not a thing until these chaps had me out and above ground.
Bit of a close call, Colonel.
The whole tunnel caved in.
Had to give it up, I'm afraid.
Yeah, objectively, the project's a total loss.
Well that is too bad.
Now, the last thing I remember, or think I remember but that's a bit thick.
Delusions? I've heard of that in cave-ins.
You have? Definite medical phenomena like the man dying of thirst in the desert keeps seeing mirages of water holes.
Exactly.
I thought I saw this large room, lighted, and You know what was in it? An airplane.
How did you know? Symbol of freedom for a flier.
Oh, yes, of course.
It's classic.
It's classic.
And do you know what else? A woman.
Why, yes.
Colonel I imagine it's been quite some time? Oh, yes Well, we can't have you going down digging tunnels, can we? A week's rest and you'll be as good as new.
Blast it all, Hogan.
I can't sit here for weeks doing nothing.
Our duty is to escape, escape, escape! Naturally, but I-I don't see how.
Well, there are other ways, apart from digging.
Look here-- this camp is laid out so a child could escape.
Why, beyond the barbed wire there, the-the woods are ridiculously close.
Funny, I've never noticed.
Had you never thought about it? All we need is someone to create a diversion while we cut the wire and run for it.
Diversion.
Diversion.
Excitement, noise.
We got some Red Cross instruments for an orchestra.
Just the thing.
But we had to give it up.
They were all kettle drums.
My dear fellow, the more noise, the better.
Uh, "Die Walkure" or "The Ride of the Valkyries.
" You know, uh, Germans love Wagner anyway.
Come on, I mean, we couldn't play while you're cutting through the wire.
Put something up at the other side of the camp.
Have you no imagination, man? Maybe if you went to Klink in a couple of days and asked for a big tent.
Couple of days? Huh, I'll do it now.
Why, with a spot of luck, I could be out of here tomorrow night.
Really? Oh, yes, uh take you chaps with me, of course.
Thank you, sir.
Thanks.
And you, too, Hogan, if you had a bit of sand.
And leave the orchestra? You've never seen me play kettledrums.
Colonel Hogan! Colonel Hogan! Colonel Hogan! Hi, Schultz.
Please You didn't know I played with the Mound City Blue Blowers, did you? Colonel Hogan! Colonel Hogan! What is it, Schultz? Please, Colonel, I have a wife and a family.
I'm their sole support.
It would be worth my life to have female spies walking around the camp.
What? Walking around the camp.
Where did she come from? Don't tell me, but wherever it was, put her back.
It was unforgivable, of course.
Not only that, it could've been fatal.
Why? I should have told you, but I thought I thought I could control it.
You see, before I escaped, the Gestapo put me in a cell underground.
Just now, I could not stand being underground anymore.
I thought, just a breath of air then I would go back down, but the guard spotted me.
Oh, it was weak.
It was foolish.
Fortunately, it was Schultz.
You have bribed him? Just once.
Since then, we keep telling him things he shouldn't know.
I think I could go into the tunnel now.
All right.
Let me look around first.
It's all set.
Klink fell for it like a ton of Who's that? Corporal Franston, one of my best.
Our best.
Your best.
Oh.
Safe to talk in front of him? Oh, perfectly, perfectly.
Oh quite.
Well, we've got our tent.
Oh, great.
I've got just the place to set it up.
Now, we've got to get to work on the wire cutters.
Are you sure this corporal's all right? All right? She's more than all right, she's a he.
What in blazes is a woman doing here? Hiding, Colonel Crittendon.
And she's German, too.
Baroness Lili Van Schlichter.
Hogan, don't you realize who this woman is? Don't you know we could all be shot if we're even found with her? Oh, of course, there's a little risk involved, but do you realize how many people are hurt each year in auto accidents? As prisoners of war, our sole obligation is to escape.
In every other area, we-we cooperate fully with the enemy powers.
I regret I shall have to turn you in.
You're going to hate yourself.
Are you, um, threatening me? Colonel Crittendon, you are a soldier.
You have a soldier's code.
I am a civilian.
I have no code.
In my country, I am considered a traitor.
Uh, yeah.
I think I should tell you, Baroness, I'm not a man to succumb to the blandishments of a woman.
I don't speak to you as a woman, but as one who is fighting for the same cause-- a traitor, if you will, who is fighting for honor to return to her country.
If you wish to turn me in, I am ready.
That'd be just about right.
Odd, you know, Hogan.
She's, uh she's remarkably similar to the girl I saw in my, uh, hallucination.
You know what that means? No, what? You've got good taste.
Oh, thanks.
Bum, bum, ba-ba-ba-bum, rum-pa-pum-pum-pum, rum-pa-pum-pum-pum Incredible! Yes, Herr Kommandant.
How well they play, these prisoners.
Would you believe it-- this is their first rehearsal.
They must be trained musicians, Herr Kommandant.
They play Wagner like Germans.
You know, Helga You know that the whole of our beautiful national soul, our culture is expressed in "The Ride of the Valkyries.
" As a warrior, you must feel it deeply.
I do.
Perhaps some day, as a fallen hero, I shall be carried off to Valhalla across the saddle of a beautiful German war maiden such as you, my dear Helga.
Are you volunteering for active duty, Herr Kommandant? Be quiet and listen to the music.
A beauty, huh, Schultz? Where's the orchestra? I'm talking about the airplane.
What airplane? Kinch.
All ready, Colonel.
HOGAN: Okay, Lili.
This is too much.
I must protest.
Please, Colonel Hogan, my family.
Did I tell you I'm the sole provider? You should see how they can eat.
Please, Colonel Don't talk to me, Schultz.
Colonel Crittendon's the senior officer in charge.
Where is he?! Oh, don't tell me! Where's the blasted music? They're letting the drums cool down.
I wouldn't mind it, Colonel.
( music resumes ) Ah, now, you chaps start cutting away here, and I'll go on down a bit and start cutting.
Yeah, right, Colonel.
Good luck.
Have to watch those little hooks, Colonel.
I'd love to see his face when he cuts that wire.
So would I.
Timber.
I only hope that he doesn't get hit by the plane.
Why? 'Cause he'd break a prop, that's why.
I will never forget you.
What? I said Strong thing.
What was that? It sounded like a motor.
It is a motor, attached to an airplane.
Stop! Come on.
Uh, begging your pardon, Colonel, you're outside the camp now.
That makes Colonel Hogan the senior officer, and he prefers us to stay.
You're a disgrace to the British uniform.
Right, sir.
You better get moving, Colonel.
You're in the middle of a landing strip.
What? Halt! Halt! Halt! Halt! Halt! Fire, you dummkopf, fire! Fire! Halt! Halt! Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan.
Morning, Colonel Klink.
I want an explanation, Hogan, and I want it now.
Frau Helga, take this down for an official report to Berlin.
Take what down? About yesterday.
Airplanes, falling down fences, music without musicians.
Oh, that.
Have you talked to Colonel Crittendon? Colonel Crittendon is in the cooler for attempted escape.
Besides which, he denies everything.
Well, frankly, Kommandant, I do think what happened was pretty deplorable, and probably accounts for the rumors.
Rumors? What rumors? You heard something? Mm, nothing.
I'm being transferred.
That's it.
Is it not? You know, it's a funny thing.
When I heard that music, I kept seeing you as a fallen hero borne off to Valhalla across the saddle No, they can't do that to me, not with my record! Up to now, it's been perfect.
Mm-hmm.
Not a single escape.
We did make quite a team.
Take down an official report.
Transfer Colonel Crittendon back to Stalag 18 at once.
But what about the official report to Berlin? Oh, forget it.
Colonel Hogan, just tell me one thing.
Was it really Colonel Crittendon who was responsible for yesterday? Well, let's put it this way.
We had to lose him.
He was bad luck.