Hogan's Heroes (1965) s03e24 Episode Script
What Time Does the Balloon Go Up?
( theme song playing ) Over.
Let's get it! Aw.
Hey, that was out.
What are you doing? Everybody, back, back, back, back, back.
Hey, give me that ball! Everybody, back! Now, just a minute.
Look, we got our rights.
The Geneva Convention says we're supposed to have one hour a day exercise.
We haven't been out here more than 20 minutes.
Commandant's orders! Everybody inside.
Now, back, back, back, back, back, back! Boy, if I don't get my exercise, I'm going to wind up looking like a big tub of lard.
Now, Carter, that's in very bad taste.
What'd I say? I don't see anything in bad taste.
Well, old Schultz knows you mean him.
That's in very bad taste.
I didn't What's going on, Schultz? I have my orders.
Everybody inside.
Why don't you tell us why, Schultzy? I know nothing, nothing.
You're wasting your time, Newkirk.
Klink doesn't tell Schultz any important information.
Ah! ( chuckles knowingly ) You think he didn't tell me that the Gestapo is around the camp, huh? You're crazy.
Possible.
Why the Gestapo, Schultz? That, I do not know, and that, even Commandant Klink does not know.
Now, everybody inside.
March.
Everybody inside, inside! All right, all right.
Hey, Schultz a little something from the boys.
( grunts ) What do you think's going on, Colonel? I don't know, but this isn't a good time for a visit from the Gestapo.
Is it ever a good time for a visit from them? You know, Kinch and LeBeau ought to have made contact with the British spy by now.
Yeah, let's check the tunnel.
If they're not back in ten minutes, we try a diversion.
I'd say this is a bit of a sticky wicket.
What's a sticky wicket? It's the British version of "up the creek without a paddle.
" Hi.
Colonel Hogan.
Downes is my name, Christopher Downes.
This is Carter and Newkirk.
Glad to know you.
How are you, sir? LeBeau and Kinchloe.
Yes, I've met them.
It's a rather smashing idea you have for getting people into your camp, Colonel.
Getting you in was a lot easier than getting you out.
But I was told that wouldn't be much of a problem.
Ordinarily, it wouldn't be, but it looks like you brought half the Gestapo with you.
I'm afraid I had no choice.
Berlin headquarters was getting very suspicious, so I took all the valuable documents I could lay my hands on and got out as fast as I could.
We could keep him down here, Colonel.
They should call off the Gestapo in a week or two.
But that's impossible.
I've got to get this information to the Allied commanders immediately.
Not a chance.
Well, what about your wireless? No good.
The Gestapo always brings in a radio-detection unit.
We're out of business.
Colonel I must get word to London by Tuesday night.
The British are going to drop agents and arms for the French resistance, and the Germans know the drop zones.
All right, but you have to stay down here till we figure a way to smuggle you out in the trunk of Klink's car.
Who is Klink? Colonel Klink, sir, the camp commandant.
And you expect to smuggle me out in his car? We've done it before.
If he drives any more of the prisoners out, he'll have to apply for a chauffeur's license.
Well, I imagine that now it's a bit different situation with all those SS chaps out there.
Well, it is a bit of a sticky wicket.
I do hope I jolly well don't get marooned up the stream without an oar.
( knocking at door ) Come in, come in, come in.
Morning, Colonel.
Dismissed, Hogan.
If you have come here to complain about being confined to the barracks, it will do you no good.
Question your orders? Not at all, sir.
I know you come from a long line of Prussians Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
that you're a dedicated career officer steeped in tradition Yes, yes, yes.
and you're the finest prison commandant in all of Germany Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
and when the Gestapo snaps their fingers, you jump.
That's right.
Hogan, sometimes you go too far.
Dismissed.
I don't blame you for being upset, sir, what with the fun-loving Gestapo crawling all over the place.
They're probably looking to put the blame on someone else for their mistake.
What mistake? I just hope it isn't you, sir.
I had nothing to do with it.
You may have a chance to prove that if you're lucky enough to get a trial.
Trial? He was one of their own men.
For three years, he was a trusted secretary to Heinrich Hausman, a big Gestapo official in Berlin.
Now, last week, they found out he was a British spy.
Why would they blame me? Jealousy.
Ah, I bet I know what's on your cunning mind, sir.
You do? Mm-hmm.
What's on my cunning mind? You won't call General Burkhalter, because you figure the phones are probably tapped, so you'll get in your car, and you'll go over and fill him in on the whole setup.
Oh, I admire the way you military men stick together.
That's exactly what was on my cunning mind.
To save time, sir, I'd order that car right now.
You're absolutely right.
Mm-hmm.
I want my car brought around to the office at 3:00.
more convenient.
Make that 4:00.
You will cancel the car, Klink.
Cancel the car.
No one goes in or out of this camp until further notice.
Major Hochstetter, I'm still in charge of this camp.
The Gestapo is now in charge.
By whose orders? By General Burkhalter's orders.
That's good enough for me.
Are you satisfied, Colonel? Hmm satisfied.
What is this man doing here? Yes, Hogan, what are you doing here? Undergoing intensive interrogation.
He's brutal, sir, brutal.
Yes, sir, I am.
Bah! I will deal with you both later.
Klink, anyone leaving this camp will be shot! Yes, Major.
Ah, these orders are probably phony.
Look, why don't you wait until dark, grab the car, keep the lights off.
You know the area cold.
Go over and see Burkhalter, he'll pull the Gestapo out of camp.
Hogan, that's the most terrible idea I've ever heard in my life.
Why? If I get into that car, I could be mistaken for an escaping prisoner.
Now, the Gestapo has orders to shoot and kill.
I would end up dead.
Now tell me the part that's terrible.
Dismissed! All right, fellas, we got problems.
What happened, Colonel? Hochstetter just sealed off the camp.
Nobody can get in or out.
Including Klink? Especially Klink.
That's what I call a sticky picket.
That's wicket.
I'm making up my own saying.
Think I should try a radio message, Colonel? Too risky.
Downes has to get word to London no later than Tuesday night.
But that is impossible.
Why doesn't somebody tell him that's like trying to get blood from a parsnip.
That's turnip.
Did you ever try to get blood out of a parsnip? Hey, Schultz! What do you got there? Hey, a teddy bear and a bunny rabbit.
It's his birthday.
Happy birthday, Schultzy.
Happy birthday, Schultzy.
* For he's a jolly good fellow * * For he's a jolly good fellow * For he's a jolly good fellow * * That nobody can deny.
How old are you, Schultzy? Wait a minute! Wait a minute! It is not my birthday.
Don't tell me it's Klink's birthday.
No.
Oh, these are the perfect gifts for the man who has everything.
It's my nephew Wolfie's birthday, but I couldn't get out to deliver him the presents.
Why not, Schultz? Nobody is supposed to leave the camp.
If they do, the Gestapo has orders to shoot to kill.
( balloon pops ) ( screams ) What's the matter, Schultz? It's just a balloon that popped.
No damage.
Who did that? Uh I did, Schultzy.
You did it on purpose? No, honestly, it was an accident.
Here, Schultzy.
Go back to your barracks and play with your toys.
Here you are.
SCHULTZ: Aw, look at my balloon.
It's flying away.
Right now, it looks like a balloon is the only thing that can get out of this camp.
Okay, thanks, Sergeant McMahon.
I'll contact you as soon as I make all the arrangements.
Right, Colonel.
Men, let's have a council of war.
You got a plan, sir? Of course, he's got a plan.
He always has a plan.
I bet I know what it is.
You're going to get my English friend out in the dog truck.
The laundry truck? The water truck? Newkirk, could we hear Colonel Hogan's plan? Carter, if you'd stop interrupting, we'd be able to hear, wouldn't we? All right, fellas, let me have your undivided attention.
Newkirk, you play a key role in this plan.
Naturally, sir.
I want you to start a basket-weaving contest.
A basket-weaving contest? That's right.
Carter'll be with you.
I'm not very good at basket-weaving.
Could I enter the beaded bag contest? Just do as I say.
Yes, sir.
Am I supposed to weave baskets, too, Colonel? No, LeBeau, you're going to be busy with a kite flying contest.
You want me to fly a kite.
That's right.
Sergeant McMahon'll tell you what to do.
Kinch, you and the RAF sergeant that was here are in charge of building a tent.
Yeah how big a tent did you want, Colonel? Oh, big enough for the baskets and the kites.
You're almost right.
I'll give you the exact dimensions later.
Right now, I have to talk to Colonel Klink.
Look, don't just stare at me.
Start getting your material together.
Basket-weaving? Kite flying.
Making a tent? I'm afraid Colonel Hogan's gone round the bend.
I guess the pressure was too much, and he finally cracked.
What are we going to do? Well, the first thing we got to do is not let him know that we know.
Yeah, Newkirk is right.
We'll humor him.
Even if it means weaving the baskets and flying the kites.
I just hope Klink doesn't think Colonel Hogan's out of his mind.
Colonel Hogan, you are out of your mind.
Well, what's wrong with some of your men building us a tent? We need someplace to store our athletic equipment and Red Cross supplies.
May I remind you that your men are prisoners in this camp, not guests? Well, since the Gestapo took over, your men have a lot of free time on their hands.
And busy hands are happy hands.
Hogan.
All right, all right.
Well, then who's going to build the tent? Your men are going to build the tent.
Okay, I'll get them started on it right away.
Oh, Colonel, I wonder if you'd do me a favor.
Now what is it? Would you be the judge in our basket-weaving contest? Your what? My men have been inactive lately, and I thought a little basket-weaving would be a help.
Basket-weaving.
That's what your men would like to do? Oh, they were crazy about the idea.
Mm-hmm.
Of course, if you don't want to be the judge, I'll ask Schultz.
Hogan! Never mind! I'll be the judge.
Thank you, sir.
Basket-weaving, huh? Mm-hmm.
No wonder you're losing the war.
All right, lads, now remember, don't do anything to upset Colonel Hogan.
Yes, in his condition, any little thing could make his mind go like this.
CARTER: Here he comes.
Act casual.
Casual.
Okay, everything's all set with Klink.
In fact, he's going to judge our basket-weaving contest.
Klink is going to judge the contest, huh? That's right.
And you know what? He thought I was out of my mind.
Oh, that man needs some attention.
Well, we have to have a talk with him.
KINCH: Yeah, but we got to be very subtle with a man in his condition.
We'll skirt the issue and don't mention his mind.
Kinch is right.
Let's go.
What can I do for you, fellas? Colonel, we were just thinking that you've had an awful lot of pressure lately.
Yeah, on your mind.
I mean things on his mind.
Yeah, we figured that as soon as the heat's off, maybe we could spring you for a little rest.
NEWKIRK: No trouble at all, sir.
LeBeau says you could stay with his relatives for a few days in France.
Just think, Colonel-- one week on the Riviera.
I think you fellas are trying to tell me something.
Oh, no, Colonel.
We can't wait for that basket-weaving contest.
And there's nothing I like better than flying kites.
Let's face it, fellas.
You think I'm cracking up.
Well, that's ridiculous! That's crazy, sir.
All right, let me put all the pieces together for you.
The basket-weavers are really making a basket large enough to carry a man.
The tent makers are making a balloon out of old parachutes, and the kite flyers are gathering wind information for our meteorologist, Sergeant McMahon.
Now, we attach the balloon to the basket, fill it with hot air, put our British friend inside the basket with a parachute.
The balloon takes off, he bails out over Dusselhafen and is picked up by a sub.
Well? How about two weeks on the Riviera, sir? SCHULTZ: LeBeau! What do you think you're doing? What does it look like I'm doing? Flying a kite.
Very good.
I don't know why everybody keeps saying you're stupid.
Who said I'm stupid? Schultz, I don't want to name names.
Never mind.
The prisoners have permission to build a tent and to weave basket.
Nobody said anything about flying a kite.
I know that, Schultz.
I just wanted Now, you listen to me.
If you don't take the kite down, it will be ten days in the cooler! It would be worth it, Schultz, to know that I made one little boy happy.
What little boy? Your nephew.
I made this kite for him.
I just wanted to make sure it would fly.
You made the kite for my nephew, Wolfgang? Well, war is war, Schultz, but I still would like to bring a smile to a little boy's face.
( voice quavering ): You made it for Wolf.
Now, now, Schultz, don't cry.
Wolfie loves kites.
I used to take him into the park, and we both used to fly them.
Here, Schultz, fly this one.
May I? Go ahead.
Oh whoo It's a very good kite.
Well, I'm glad you like it.
Oh, it is a wonderful thing to do something like this for a little German boy.
I hope he remembers it when he grows up into a dirty Boche.
LeBeau! Schultz, what do you think you're doing? Flying a kite.
While you're on duty? No wonder everybody says you're stupid! Klink, what do you think you are doing? Flying a kite, sir.
I can see that! Why? Well, actually, I was taking it away from Schultz.
One of your guards is flying a kite? Actually I was taking it away from LeBeau.
I never saw that kite before in my life! But you said you made it for my little nephew, Wolfie.
Now why would I make a kite for a dirty, little Boche kid.
Klink, the prisoners are trying to signal Allied flyers! There'll be no kite flying! Yes, sir.
What are those men doing over there? KLINK: Making a tent.
So they can dig escape tunnels under it? There will be no tents for prisoners, Klink.
Get rid of it.
And what are those men doing? Oh, they're having a basket-weaving contest.
Colonel Klink is the judge.
Yes.
Klink, I will have to start another dossier on you.
Major Hochstetter, if you would only consider my record, I Major Good to see you put the Gestapo in their place, sir.
Hogan, I did not give you permission to fly kites! Sergeant! Take down the kite immediately.
DOWNES: Right, Colonel.
And I want you to tell your men to get rid of that tent by tomorrow morning roll call! They'll get rid of it.
Hogan, you've got me in trouble with the Gestapo again.
The Colonel Klink I know would stand up to them.
Well, of course.
Like the Germans at Stalingrad.
Dismissed.
Everything's set for tomorrow night, Colonel.
Yeah, but tomorrow night may be too late.
Klink wants the tent out by morning.
Sarge, how's the weather? Perfect, but I don't think the men can get everything else ready in time.
Well, they're going to have to, because tonight, the balloon goes up.
SCHULTZ: dreizehn, vierzehn, funfzehn! Report! All present and accounted for.
Thank you, Schultz.
Dismiss your men.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Everybody dismissed.
NEWKIRK: Thank you.
Oh, Colonel don't forget our contest, sir.
Really, Hogan.
Oh, wait till you see the baskets.
They're great.
Oh, look, look, look.
Is that beautiful, huh? Hogan, don't you think it's about time that you realized that this is a prisoner of war camp, and I, as commandant, have better things to do than to That one, I think, is the best.
Who's judging this contest, you or I? You, Herr Kommandant.
Go, go.
Uh-huh Uh-huh, uh-huh.
KLINK: Oh, yes, I like the workmanship.
Yes.
Oh that's magnificent.
That's ridiculous! What would anyone use that for? I told you so when you were weaving it! That's terrible! Well, who asked for your blasted opinion? All right, all right, fellas.
Remember, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how you weave your basket that counts.
Well, I told him it was a terrible basket.
Oh, listen, you just keep out of this.
All right, all right, you're both out of the contest.
Now get this out of here.
I officially Both! I withdraw! What a gyp! Now, this one, I like.
But this one has a very good shape to it.
I would say that one of these two baskets is the winner.
Ah, this one has excellent workmanship.
That's the one I would have chosen.
Oh.
Well, this one is the winner.
That's the one I made, Colonel.
Hey, congratulations, LeBeau.
Sorry.
Colonel, LeBeau would like you to have that basket.
You would, huh? I would be my pleasure, sir.
It has a handle and everything.
It'd come in very handy at the Easter egg hunt.
Easter egg hunt? Well, we wouldn't have one and not invite you, sir.
( electricity crackling, alarm bell ringing ) ( guards shouting orders ) ( dogs barking, alarm bell ringing ) Someone is trying to get over the fence.
( siren wailing ) Get that balloon in the air.
I don't know how long we can stall them.
Right, sir.
( guard shouting in German ) HOGAN: Good luck, Downes.
Thank you, Colonel.
Get him out of here.
Right.
Come on, boys, here we go.
You! Get that kite off the wire fence! No! No! The current! Somebody turn off the current! I want some organization here! What is going on?! Oh, come on, faster.
You're like an organ grinder who's lost his monkey.
That's right, build it up.
( pump whining softly ) Hey, LeBeau.
Ready? I think we're about ready.
Try it, take out the pole.
Here we go, gentlemen.
Keep your fingers crossed.
CARTER: Boy, if this works, I'll be surprised.
NEWKIRK: Ha-ha! Look at that.
Hey, look at that, will you? It's going up.
Here we go, lads.
There you go.
Watch that over there.
KLINK: What is going on?! This is absolute madness! What is going on here, Klink? Is someone trying to escape? Well, it's not one of our men.
Who'd want to escape in the middle of a basket-weaving contest? No one has ever escaped from Stalag 13, ever.
What is going on here, Klink? I told you to get rid of those kites! I told you to get rid of those kites.
We're trying, sir, we're trying! NEWKIRK: Sandbags, Carter.
LeBEAU: It's going to be all right.
The sub's going to pick you up.
Don't worry about it.
Have a nice drink in London, sir.
SCHULTZ: Hey, men! What are you doing there? Oh, we're just getting rid of the basket and the tent like old Klink said we should, sir.
Oh, it's a very nice basket.
I wouldn't mind having it myself.
Well, no, we have to get rid of it, because an order is an order.
What's this pipe? LeBEAU: Uh, Schultz! SCHULTZ: What? There's a man going over the fence.
Where? Right over there! I see nothing.
You always see nothing.
Let's go over and see.
No! No, it's not my station.
LeBEAU: If you don't get that prisoner, I'm going to turn you in to Klink! Ho! You're going to turn me in, because I did not arrest a prisoner? I never wanted to tell you this.
Come over here.
What is it, LeBeau? You better come over here.
( siren continuing to wail ) I'm a secret member of the Gestapo.
I'm Hermann Goering.
Don't you get it? Hermann Goering.
( laughing and shouting over each other ) Klink, I will not mention this to General Burkhalter.
Oh, that's very kind of you.
No, I will report this directly to Heinrich Himmler himself! Hogan, this is your fault.
My fault? Yes, it is.
Now I am in very deep trouble with the Gestapo.
And if I'm lucky, they'll transfer me to the Russian front.
Don't worry, sir, if that happens, we'll have a knitting contest to make you a set of long woolen underwear.
Hogan do you realize they haven't found that spy yet? And they suspect that it has something to do with Stalag 13.
I suspect it has something to do with you.
Me! I'm a prisoner in the toughest P.
O.
W.
camp in all of Germany.
I suppose next you'll be saying I smuggle a spy in under the Gestapo's nose and flew him out in a balloon! Good night, sir.
Let's get it! Aw.
Hey, that was out.
What are you doing? Everybody, back, back, back, back, back.
Hey, give me that ball! Everybody, back! Now, just a minute.
Look, we got our rights.
The Geneva Convention says we're supposed to have one hour a day exercise.
We haven't been out here more than 20 minutes.
Commandant's orders! Everybody inside.
Now, back, back, back, back, back, back! Boy, if I don't get my exercise, I'm going to wind up looking like a big tub of lard.
Now, Carter, that's in very bad taste.
What'd I say? I don't see anything in bad taste.
Well, old Schultz knows you mean him.
That's in very bad taste.
I didn't What's going on, Schultz? I have my orders.
Everybody inside.
Why don't you tell us why, Schultzy? I know nothing, nothing.
You're wasting your time, Newkirk.
Klink doesn't tell Schultz any important information.
Ah! ( chuckles knowingly ) You think he didn't tell me that the Gestapo is around the camp, huh? You're crazy.
Possible.
Why the Gestapo, Schultz? That, I do not know, and that, even Commandant Klink does not know.
Now, everybody inside.
March.
Everybody inside, inside! All right, all right.
Hey, Schultz a little something from the boys.
( grunts ) What do you think's going on, Colonel? I don't know, but this isn't a good time for a visit from the Gestapo.
Is it ever a good time for a visit from them? You know, Kinch and LeBeau ought to have made contact with the British spy by now.
Yeah, let's check the tunnel.
If they're not back in ten minutes, we try a diversion.
I'd say this is a bit of a sticky wicket.
What's a sticky wicket? It's the British version of "up the creek without a paddle.
" Hi.
Colonel Hogan.
Downes is my name, Christopher Downes.
This is Carter and Newkirk.
Glad to know you.
How are you, sir? LeBeau and Kinchloe.
Yes, I've met them.
It's a rather smashing idea you have for getting people into your camp, Colonel.
Getting you in was a lot easier than getting you out.
But I was told that wouldn't be much of a problem.
Ordinarily, it wouldn't be, but it looks like you brought half the Gestapo with you.
I'm afraid I had no choice.
Berlin headquarters was getting very suspicious, so I took all the valuable documents I could lay my hands on and got out as fast as I could.
We could keep him down here, Colonel.
They should call off the Gestapo in a week or two.
But that's impossible.
I've got to get this information to the Allied commanders immediately.
Not a chance.
Well, what about your wireless? No good.
The Gestapo always brings in a radio-detection unit.
We're out of business.
Colonel I must get word to London by Tuesday night.
The British are going to drop agents and arms for the French resistance, and the Germans know the drop zones.
All right, but you have to stay down here till we figure a way to smuggle you out in the trunk of Klink's car.
Who is Klink? Colonel Klink, sir, the camp commandant.
And you expect to smuggle me out in his car? We've done it before.
If he drives any more of the prisoners out, he'll have to apply for a chauffeur's license.
Well, I imagine that now it's a bit different situation with all those SS chaps out there.
Well, it is a bit of a sticky wicket.
I do hope I jolly well don't get marooned up the stream without an oar.
( knocking at door ) Come in, come in, come in.
Morning, Colonel.
Dismissed, Hogan.
If you have come here to complain about being confined to the barracks, it will do you no good.
Question your orders? Not at all, sir.
I know you come from a long line of Prussians Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
that you're a dedicated career officer steeped in tradition Yes, yes, yes.
and you're the finest prison commandant in all of Germany Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
and when the Gestapo snaps their fingers, you jump.
That's right.
Hogan, sometimes you go too far.
Dismissed.
I don't blame you for being upset, sir, what with the fun-loving Gestapo crawling all over the place.
They're probably looking to put the blame on someone else for their mistake.
What mistake? I just hope it isn't you, sir.
I had nothing to do with it.
You may have a chance to prove that if you're lucky enough to get a trial.
Trial? He was one of their own men.
For three years, he was a trusted secretary to Heinrich Hausman, a big Gestapo official in Berlin.
Now, last week, they found out he was a British spy.
Why would they blame me? Jealousy.
Ah, I bet I know what's on your cunning mind, sir.
You do? Mm-hmm.
What's on my cunning mind? You won't call General Burkhalter, because you figure the phones are probably tapped, so you'll get in your car, and you'll go over and fill him in on the whole setup.
Oh, I admire the way you military men stick together.
That's exactly what was on my cunning mind.
To save time, sir, I'd order that car right now.
You're absolutely right.
Mm-hmm.
I want my car brought around to the office at 3:00.
more convenient.
Make that 4:00.
You will cancel the car, Klink.
Cancel the car.
No one goes in or out of this camp until further notice.
Major Hochstetter, I'm still in charge of this camp.
The Gestapo is now in charge.
By whose orders? By General Burkhalter's orders.
That's good enough for me.
Are you satisfied, Colonel? Hmm satisfied.
What is this man doing here? Yes, Hogan, what are you doing here? Undergoing intensive interrogation.
He's brutal, sir, brutal.
Yes, sir, I am.
Bah! I will deal with you both later.
Klink, anyone leaving this camp will be shot! Yes, Major.
Ah, these orders are probably phony.
Look, why don't you wait until dark, grab the car, keep the lights off.
You know the area cold.
Go over and see Burkhalter, he'll pull the Gestapo out of camp.
Hogan, that's the most terrible idea I've ever heard in my life.
Why? If I get into that car, I could be mistaken for an escaping prisoner.
Now, the Gestapo has orders to shoot and kill.
I would end up dead.
Now tell me the part that's terrible.
Dismissed! All right, fellas, we got problems.
What happened, Colonel? Hochstetter just sealed off the camp.
Nobody can get in or out.
Including Klink? Especially Klink.
That's what I call a sticky picket.
That's wicket.
I'm making up my own saying.
Think I should try a radio message, Colonel? Too risky.
Downes has to get word to London no later than Tuesday night.
But that is impossible.
Why doesn't somebody tell him that's like trying to get blood from a parsnip.
That's turnip.
Did you ever try to get blood out of a parsnip? Hey, Schultz! What do you got there? Hey, a teddy bear and a bunny rabbit.
It's his birthday.
Happy birthday, Schultzy.
Happy birthday, Schultzy.
* For he's a jolly good fellow * * For he's a jolly good fellow * For he's a jolly good fellow * * That nobody can deny.
How old are you, Schultzy? Wait a minute! Wait a minute! It is not my birthday.
Don't tell me it's Klink's birthday.
No.
Oh, these are the perfect gifts for the man who has everything.
It's my nephew Wolfie's birthday, but I couldn't get out to deliver him the presents.
Why not, Schultz? Nobody is supposed to leave the camp.
If they do, the Gestapo has orders to shoot to kill.
( balloon pops ) ( screams ) What's the matter, Schultz? It's just a balloon that popped.
No damage.
Who did that? Uh I did, Schultzy.
You did it on purpose? No, honestly, it was an accident.
Here, Schultzy.
Go back to your barracks and play with your toys.
Here you are.
SCHULTZ: Aw, look at my balloon.
It's flying away.
Right now, it looks like a balloon is the only thing that can get out of this camp.
Okay, thanks, Sergeant McMahon.
I'll contact you as soon as I make all the arrangements.
Right, Colonel.
Men, let's have a council of war.
You got a plan, sir? Of course, he's got a plan.
He always has a plan.
I bet I know what it is.
You're going to get my English friend out in the dog truck.
The laundry truck? The water truck? Newkirk, could we hear Colonel Hogan's plan? Carter, if you'd stop interrupting, we'd be able to hear, wouldn't we? All right, fellas, let me have your undivided attention.
Newkirk, you play a key role in this plan.
Naturally, sir.
I want you to start a basket-weaving contest.
A basket-weaving contest? That's right.
Carter'll be with you.
I'm not very good at basket-weaving.
Could I enter the beaded bag contest? Just do as I say.
Yes, sir.
Am I supposed to weave baskets, too, Colonel? No, LeBeau, you're going to be busy with a kite flying contest.
You want me to fly a kite.
That's right.
Sergeant McMahon'll tell you what to do.
Kinch, you and the RAF sergeant that was here are in charge of building a tent.
Yeah how big a tent did you want, Colonel? Oh, big enough for the baskets and the kites.
You're almost right.
I'll give you the exact dimensions later.
Right now, I have to talk to Colonel Klink.
Look, don't just stare at me.
Start getting your material together.
Basket-weaving? Kite flying.
Making a tent? I'm afraid Colonel Hogan's gone round the bend.
I guess the pressure was too much, and he finally cracked.
What are we going to do? Well, the first thing we got to do is not let him know that we know.
Yeah, Newkirk is right.
We'll humor him.
Even if it means weaving the baskets and flying the kites.
I just hope Klink doesn't think Colonel Hogan's out of his mind.
Colonel Hogan, you are out of your mind.
Well, what's wrong with some of your men building us a tent? We need someplace to store our athletic equipment and Red Cross supplies.
May I remind you that your men are prisoners in this camp, not guests? Well, since the Gestapo took over, your men have a lot of free time on their hands.
And busy hands are happy hands.
Hogan.
All right, all right.
Well, then who's going to build the tent? Your men are going to build the tent.
Okay, I'll get them started on it right away.
Oh, Colonel, I wonder if you'd do me a favor.
Now what is it? Would you be the judge in our basket-weaving contest? Your what? My men have been inactive lately, and I thought a little basket-weaving would be a help.
Basket-weaving.
That's what your men would like to do? Oh, they were crazy about the idea.
Mm-hmm.
Of course, if you don't want to be the judge, I'll ask Schultz.
Hogan! Never mind! I'll be the judge.
Thank you, sir.
Basket-weaving, huh? Mm-hmm.
No wonder you're losing the war.
All right, lads, now remember, don't do anything to upset Colonel Hogan.
Yes, in his condition, any little thing could make his mind go like this.
CARTER: Here he comes.
Act casual.
Casual.
Okay, everything's all set with Klink.
In fact, he's going to judge our basket-weaving contest.
Klink is going to judge the contest, huh? That's right.
And you know what? He thought I was out of my mind.
Oh, that man needs some attention.
Well, we have to have a talk with him.
KINCH: Yeah, but we got to be very subtle with a man in his condition.
We'll skirt the issue and don't mention his mind.
Kinch is right.
Let's go.
What can I do for you, fellas? Colonel, we were just thinking that you've had an awful lot of pressure lately.
Yeah, on your mind.
I mean things on his mind.
Yeah, we figured that as soon as the heat's off, maybe we could spring you for a little rest.
NEWKIRK: No trouble at all, sir.
LeBeau says you could stay with his relatives for a few days in France.
Just think, Colonel-- one week on the Riviera.
I think you fellas are trying to tell me something.
Oh, no, Colonel.
We can't wait for that basket-weaving contest.
And there's nothing I like better than flying kites.
Let's face it, fellas.
You think I'm cracking up.
Well, that's ridiculous! That's crazy, sir.
All right, let me put all the pieces together for you.
The basket-weavers are really making a basket large enough to carry a man.
The tent makers are making a balloon out of old parachutes, and the kite flyers are gathering wind information for our meteorologist, Sergeant McMahon.
Now, we attach the balloon to the basket, fill it with hot air, put our British friend inside the basket with a parachute.
The balloon takes off, he bails out over Dusselhafen and is picked up by a sub.
Well? How about two weeks on the Riviera, sir? SCHULTZ: LeBeau! What do you think you're doing? What does it look like I'm doing? Flying a kite.
Very good.
I don't know why everybody keeps saying you're stupid.
Who said I'm stupid? Schultz, I don't want to name names.
Never mind.
The prisoners have permission to build a tent and to weave basket.
Nobody said anything about flying a kite.
I know that, Schultz.
I just wanted Now, you listen to me.
If you don't take the kite down, it will be ten days in the cooler! It would be worth it, Schultz, to know that I made one little boy happy.
What little boy? Your nephew.
I made this kite for him.
I just wanted to make sure it would fly.
You made the kite for my nephew, Wolfgang? Well, war is war, Schultz, but I still would like to bring a smile to a little boy's face.
( voice quavering ): You made it for Wolf.
Now, now, Schultz, don't cry.
Wolfie loves kites.
I used to take him into the park, and we both used to fly them.
Here, Schultz, fly this one.
May I? Go ahead.
Oh whoo It's a very good kite.
Well, I'm glad you like it.
Oh, it is a wonderful thing to do something like this for a little German boy.
I hope he remembers it when he grows up into a dirty Boche.
LeBeau! Schultz, what do you think you're doing? Flying a kite.
While you're on duty? No wonder everybody says you're stupid! Klink, what do you think you are doing? Flying a kite, sir.
I can see that! Why? Well, actually, I was taking it away from Schultz.
One of your guards is flying a kite? Actually I was taking it away from LeBeau.
I never saw that kite before in my life! But you said you made it for my little nephew, Wolfie.
Now why would I make a kite for a dirty, little Boche kid.
Klink, the prisoners are trying to signal Allied flyers! There'll be no kite flying! Yes, sir.
What are those men doing over there? KLINK: Making a tent.
So they can dig escape tunnels under it? There will be no tents for prisoners, Klink.
Get rid of it.
And what are those men doing? Oh, they're having a basket-weaving contest.
Colonel Klink is the judge.
Yes.
Klink, I will have to start another dossier on you.
Major Hochstetter, if you would only consider my record, I Major Good to see you put the Gestapo in their place, sir.
Hogan, I did not give you permission to fly kites! Sergeant! Take down the kite immediately.
DOWNES: Right, Colonel.
And I want you to tell your men to get rid of that tent by tomorrow morning roll call! They'll get rid of it.
Hogan, you've got me in trouble with the Gestapo again.
The Colonel Klink I know would stand up to them.
Well, of course.
Like the Germans at Stalingrad.
Dismissed.
Everything's set for tomorrow night, Colonel.
Yeah, but tomorrow night may be too late.
Klink wants the tent out by morning.
Sarge, how's the weather? Perfect, but I don't think the men can get everything else ready in time.
Well, they're going to have to, because tonight, the balloon goes up.
SCHULTZ: dreizehn, vierzehn, funfzehn! Report! All present and accounted for.
Thank you, Schultz.
Dismiss your men.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Everybody dismissed.
NEWKIRK: Thank you.
Oh, Colonel don't forget our contest, sir.
Really, Hogan.
Oh, wait till you see the baskets.
They're great.
Oh, look, look, look.
Is that beautiful, huh? Hogan, don't you think it's about time that you realized that this is a prisoner of war camp, and I, as commandant, have better things to do than to That one, I think, is the best.
Who's judging this contest, you or I? You, Herr Kommandant.
Go, go.
Uh-huh Uh-huh, uh-huh.
KLINK: Oh, yes, I like the workmanship.
Yes.
Oh that's magnificent.
That's ridiculous! What would anyone use that for? I told you so when you were weaving it! That's terrible! Well, who asked for your blasted opinion? All right, all right, fellas.
Remember, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how you weave your basket that counts.
Well, I told him it was a terrible basket.
Oh, listen, you just keep out of this.
All right, all right, you're both out of the contest.
Now get this out of here.
I officially Both! I withdraw! What a gyp! Now, this one, I like.
But this one has a very good shape to it.
I would say that one of these two baskets is the winner.
Ah, this one has excellent workmanship.
That's the one I would have chosen.
Oh.
Well, this one is the winner.
That's the one I made, Colonel.
Hey, congratulations, LeBeau.
Sorry.
Colonel, LeBeau would like you to have that basket.
You would, huh? I would be my pleasure, sir.
It has a handle and everything.
It'd come in very handy at the Easter egg hunt.
Easter egg hunt? Well, we wouldn't have one and not invite you, sir.
( electricity crackling, alarm bell ringing ) ( guards shouting orders ) ( dogs barking, alarm bell ringing ) Someone is trying to get over the fence.
( siren wailing ) Get that balloon in the air.
I don't know how long we can stall them.
Right, sir.
( guard shouting in German ) HOGAN: Good luck, Downes.
Thank you, Colonel.
Get him out of here.
Right.
Come on, boys, here we go.
You! Get that kite off the wire fence! No! No! The current! Somebody turn off the current! I want some organization here! What is going on?! Oh, come on, faster.
You're like an organ grinder who's lost his monkey.
That's right, build it up.
( pump whining softly ) Hey, LeBeau.
Ready? I think we're about ready.
Try it, take out the pole.
Here we go, gentlemen.
Keep your fingers crossed.
CARTER: Boy, if this works, I'll be surprised.
NEWKIRK: Ha-ha! Look at that.
Hey, look at that, will you? It's going up.
Here we go, lads.
There you go.
Watch that over there.
KLINK: What is going on?! This is absolute madness! What is going on here, Klink? Is someone trying to escape? Well, it's not one of our men.
Who'd want to escape in the middle of a basket-weaving contest? No one has ever escaped from Stalag 13, ever.
What is going on here, Klink? I told you to get rid of those kites! I told you to get rid of those kites.
We're trying, sir, we're trying! NEWKIRK: Sandbags, Carter.
LeBEAU: It's going to be all right.
The sub's going to pick you up.
Don't worry about it.
Have a nice drink in London, sir.
SCHULTZ: Hey, men! What are you doing there? Oh, we're just getting rid of the basket and the tent like old Klink said we should, sir.
Oh, it's a very nice basket.
I wouldn't mind having it myself.
Well, no, we have to get rid of it, because an order is an order.
What's this pipe? LeBEAU: Uh, Schultz! SCHULTZ: What? There's a man going over the fence.
Where? Right over there! I see nothing.
You always see nothing.
Let's go over and see.
No! No, it's not my station.
LeBEAU: If you don't get that prisoner, I'm going to turn you in to Klink! Ho! You're going to turn me in, because I did not arrest a prisoner? I never wanted to tell you this.
Come over here.
What is it, LeBeau? You better come over here.
( siren continuing to wail ) I'm a secret member of the Gestapo.
I'm Hermann Goering.
Don't you get it? Hermann Goering.
( laughing and shouting over each other ) Klink, I will not mention this to General Burkhalter.
Oh, that's very kind of you.
No, I will report this directly to Heinrich Himmler himself! Hogan, this is your fault.
My fault? Yes, it is.
Now I am in very deep trouble with the Gestapo.
And if I'm lucky, they'll transfer me to the Russian front.
Don't worry, sir, if that happens, we'll have a knitting contest to make you a set of long woolen underwear.
Hogan do you realize they haven't found that spy yet? And they suspect that it has something to do with Stalag 13.
I suspect it has something to do with you.
Me! I'm a prisoner in the toughest P.
O.
W.
camp in all of Germany.
I suppose next you'll be saying I smuggle a spy in under the Gestapo's nose and flew him out in a balloon! Good night, sir.