Hogan's Heroes (1965) s04e01 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) ( wind whistling ) ( German music playing in background ) Halt! Give me the password, baby.
Maria loves Teddy Bear! ( chuckles ) All right! You may pass, baby.
Give me a schnapps.
Ah, she's beautiful.
Maria is beautiful! Here.
Ah, she's crazy about me.
Ja.
( chuckles ) Karl, do you think she would go out tonight with a certain tall, handsome sergeant? Who did you have in mind? Mix your drinks.
I'm not interested in your opinions.
( laughing ) Liebchen.
I would like to talk to you.
Ja? Ja, ja, ja, ja? Today I got paid.
Oh, that's nice.
Congratulations.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
So tonight I'll take you to the Hauserhof for sauerbraten.
( chuckling ): You are so romantic.
But I am not through work till 1:00.
Oh, but by that time, the sauerbraten will be cold.
Can't you leave a little earlier? You'll have to ask my boss.
All right.
Hermann wouldn't dare refuse one of Germany's brave fighting men in uniform.
Oh, I thought you were a teddy bear.
I'm a brave fighting teddy bear in uniform.
In the office.
( sighs ) How about a little kiss for good luck, baby? MAN: Maria.
Oh, you are irresistible.
Ah! Well, I'll go back to work now.
See you later, baby.
Maybe I am irresistible.
( humming tune ) Don't you knock before you enter a room? Excuse me.
I just wanted to ask Hermann something.
What is it? Can Maria get off a little earlier tonight? You see, I got paid Impossible.
We are shorthanded as it is.
Excuse me.
I just thought I'd ask.
Excuse me.
Who is that big slob? Schultz.
He is sergeant of the guard at Stalag 13.
Huh, he's been there ever since the place opened.
He was sergeant of the guard at Stalag 13.
Was? Now he is on his way to the eastern front.
Ah, gentlemen, the leader has 20 and he'll pay 21.
Give me that lovely money.
Throw those cards in, Carter.
Nobody's got 21.
I could have told you that in advance, couldn't I? That's what I was afraid of.
Yeah, his fingers have eyes.
Come on, it's only a game, gentlemen.
( chuckling ): Don't get up, gentlemen.
I know playing cards is verboten, but why spoil a beautiful evening? ( humming tune ) KINCH: One of our Krauts has flipped.
If he loses, put it on my bill.
I think he's loaded.
Yes, my dear friend, I'm loaded-- I'm loaded with love.
Look at that smile.
He saw the girl at the Hofbrau.
NEWKIRK: Maria? SCHULTZ: Ah, she's beautiful.
Beautiful! Did old Cupid take a shot at you, Schultz? Yeah, and broke the arrow.
It's not a joke.
They're just jealous, Schultz.
Who's jealous of what? Schultz and Maria, that girl at the Hofbrau, have been making music-- right, Schultzy? She calls me Teddy Bear.
Teddy Bear-- how thoughtful.
How revolting.
Don't just stand there, Schultz.
Come on, tell us about it.
Well, she let me kiss her-- affectionately, you know? You, uh, put your arms around her? ( chuckling ): What do you think? I sent her the kiss by mail? And I suppose, uh, she put her arms around you? You said it, big boy.
All the way around? She must be an orangutan.
Hold it.
Discretion does not permit me to talk about the subject any longer.
I am not a man to kiss and tell.
Very nice.
Bravo.
Oh, blimey.
I predict a big romance.
You'll be forging passes to get into town to see her, shaving every day.
You might even take off a few pounds.
That is what you've got to get rid of.
That, my dear colonel, is all muscle.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Let me show you something.
Stand up straight.
Look down.
Can you see your shoes? I can't even see the floor.
If you can't see your shoes, you can't touch them.
Oh, sure I can! I'll show you.
( all encouraging Schultz ) All right, all right.
LeBEAU: Come on, here we go.
HOGAN: All right, keep your head down.
That's it.
That's better than I thought.
All right, Schultz, don't overdo it.
I will have to exercise a little more.
HOGAN: Yeah, you do that.
We'll see you around, Schultz.
Wait a minute.
Don't you want to hear about Maria anymore? Oh, it's too exciting.
Makes the natives restless.
Oh, I understand-- jealousy.
Good night.
Good night, hot lips.
Hot lips.
"Two troop trains through Hammelburg yesterday eastward-- "Ninth Panzer Brigade, assault equipment, tight security precaution.
M.
" Get that off to London, huh, Kinch? Right.
A good system, Colonel.
Maria does the spying and Schultz carries the messages.
Mm-hmm-- we're also making an important contribution to military science.
How do you figure that, sir? We're using the first pigeon in history.
Major Kiegel, I don't understand.
What has the Gestapo got to do with Luftwaffe personnel? Colonel, Berlin has issued a new directive.
Our orders are to find men on the home front and see that they are transferred to active duty in combat units.
Danke, Fraulein.
Bitte.
KLINK: Transfer to combat units.
That's another way of saying "eastern front.
" True, it is.
But why the Gestapo? That's outrageous! You think so, do you? I intend to appeal this to the high command-- even to the Fuhrer, if necessary.
Colonel! The Fuhrer does not even know you are alive, and you may not be.
I'm beginning to see what you're driving at.
That is better.
But you're wasting your time, sir.
My men are not exactly what you would call frontline fighting caliber.
How do you classify them? Well, uh They're the dregs.
Really? But the finest dregs in all of Germany.
You seem to manage.
I can assure you, Major Kiegel, that it is my spirit, my iron will, that has made this the most secure camp in all of Germany.
I could run this place single-handed if I wanted to, and I You want to see the roster of the men.
I already have it.
Oh, I have always said you are a marvelously efficient organization.
Thank you.
Now, there is a great shortage of noncommissioned officers on our fighting fronts.
What about this Sergeant Schultz as a starter? Him? In a combat unit? ( laughing ) He couldn't fight his way out of kindergarten.
He is a sergeant.
Yes.
He's also a big fat tub of jelly.
Impossible.
The Russian front is not a beauty contest.
Yes, but Sergeant Schultz Even colonels who wear monocles are needed.
But that's another matter.
I What would they be doing there? I mean I think Sergeant Schultz is a marvelous choice.
( knock at door ) Come in, come in, come in.
Herr Kommandant, Sergeant Schultz reporting as ordered, sir.
Sergeant Schultz.
Come in, come in.
At ease, at ease.
Would you care for a little schnapps, huh? ( chuckling ): Herr Kommandant, it is against the regulation to drink when you are on duty.
That is true.
Wanted to catch me, huh? Of course not.
I offered you a little drink because this is a very special occasion.
Oh, it is? Indeed it is.
I have some very good news for you, my boy.
"My boy"? Ah, how I envy you.
Envy me? Schultz, I have the pleasure to tell you, you are being transferred to the eastern front.
Isn't that thrilling news? Thrilling? ( sighs ) I am out of my mind.
What happened, Herr Kommandant? Did I do something wrong? Of course not.
You're just being asked to use your knowledge and experience in the service of the Third Reich.
Yeah? You want Germany to win the war, don't you? Yeah.
Well, by being transferred to the eastern front, you can make that possible.
Would it be so bad if we lost the war? ( chuckles ) Schultz, we're going to miss your sense of humor around here.
Herr Kommandant, I have flat feet, I'm overweight, my eyes are bad and I'm not so young anymore.
Oh, that doesn't matter.
How about dandruff? Come on, Schultz.
I also have nervousness.
You? Nervous? Don't be silly.
I'm silly, too.
I think at this point, you would find almost anything wrong with yourself.
Try me.
I realize you're not exactly what I would call a perfect physical specimen.
Now you're on the right track.
But you have something much more important than physical perfection.
You have a fighting spirit.
I'll get rid of it.
In these times, my boy, a man in uniform has two choices-- either he fights or he's called a coward.
I'd rather be a coward.
Do you want to give up the chance for greater glory on the battlefield? Do you want to go on being called a coward? Why not? That's something I understand.
Why would they pick just you? I'm lucky, I guess.
Sounds fishy to me.
Let's face it-- he's not the greatest fighting machine in the world.
They thought I was okay when they took me in five years ago.
The recruiting sergeant that signed you up could be shot for sabotage.
I think somebody's got it in for him.
HOGAN: I'll buy that.
I have no enemy in the world.
LeBEAU: How about us? Have you had any trouble with any of the officers recently? I mind my own business.
I know nothing-- nothing.
Do anything wrong in town the other day? Yeah, you know, like get drunk maybe.
No, I just went to the Hofbrau and I saw Maria.
Is it possible some big shot has his eye on her? Who would be jealous of Schultz? Yeah, that's pretty unbelievable.
It could be that Major Kiegel Who's Major Kiegel? Some Kraut we missed? Gestapo.
I saw him only twice, once in Hermann's office and once when he came here.
Gestapo man came to camp and I wasn't told? Where was I? Listening to the World Series with the rest of us.
Well, first things first.
Funny-- as soon as Major Kiegel left the office, Klink gave me the bad news.
Any reason this Major Kiegel might be sore at you? No! Of course, when I came into Hermann's office, he was mad at me because I did not knock on the door.
That's no reason to send a man to the Russian front.
Now, hold it, hold it.
Anything else happen, Schultz? No.
He was sitting there in the office with Hermann, there was money on the table and Hermann had a few bills in his hands And you interrupted him.
I guess so.
But he was mad just for a minute.
Stick around, Schultz.
Be right back.
LeBEAU: Why did you have to go to Hermann's office? SCHULTZ: Well, I wanted to ask That message ready for Maria? Sure.
Got it right here.
"Need locations, antiaircraft installations, bomb assembly plant.
" All right, add this to it: "Need information on Major Kiegel, Gestapo.
Urgent.
" All right.
Good, I'll pin this on our pigeon right now.
Oh, Schultz.
Yeah? HOGAN: Um When are you going to tell Maria? Tonight.
It's going to break her heart.
C'est la guerre.
It wouldn't be so bad if she wouldn't be so crazy about me.
Mm-hmm.
By the way, how are you coming with your bending exercises? How do you like that? I'm making out my will and he wants me to do bending exercises! Can you touch your toes yet? Please, Colonel Hogan, I'm not in the mood.
( all speaking over each other ) Come on, Schultz.
( Schultz shouting ) That's a good boy.
Stop it! Very good, you keep at it.
Yeah, and I think you should do it again, just as soon as you get back from town, Right, Colonel? Oh, by all means.
What for?! LeBEAU: Practice makes perfect.
And if you're transferred to one of those combat units, your life may depend on it.
Survival of the fittest.
What size foxhole do you take, Schultz? Please, Carter I'd say about LeBeau, bad taste.
Jolly jokers! Gute Nacht, Schultz.
Aah! ( straining ) ( grunting ) "Kiegel friendly with owner of bar.
" That must be Hermann Schultz is always talking about.
"Believe black market operation.
"Storeroom back of bar is loaded with boxes and merchandise, kept locked at all times.
" A black market operation? Scratch a Gestapo man, you find a crook.
Where does Schultz fit in all this, Colonel? He walked into Hermann's office unexpectedly, remember? And money was being counted.
Mm-hmm.
My guess is he actually walked in on a payoff.
So Kiegel had him transferred to the Russian front for winter sports.
Bloody murder.
Schultz is awful on skis.
Boy, this Major Kiegel's a terrible person.
We ought to call him on this.
LeBEAU: We don't let him get away with it.
Oh, sure, we walk up to him and say, "You're a terrible person.
Pick up your check, get out of World War II.
" Well, old Schultz was laughs while he lasted.
Oh, now, wait a minute, wait a minute! We're not giving up on Schultz just like that, are we? Do we have a choice? We're dealing with Gestapo here, sir.
I mean, they're proper villains.
Do you realize, if we lose Schultz, we get a new Kraut to take his place? If we can train him, fine, but suppose he refuses to be housebroken? Then what? He'll be reading our mail and looking for tunnels.
And maybe finding them.
But how could we save Schultz? He's practically quick-frozen right now.
Maybe putting the heat on Kiegel might be the answer.
Kinch, get that camera of yours tuned up.
Right.
I'll need some watches, too.
That'll be the bait.
Oh, yeah, and the fish will take it and he'll swallow us.
Boy, this is the craziest-- us saving a Kraut.
Carter, it's not for us alone.
We keep Schultz here, we could be helping our Russian allies.
How? I don't understand that.
How are you going to help the Russians? Schultz could very easily slip on the ice, fall and wipe out an entire Russian division.
Derail a troop train, even.
( lively music playing inside ) ( laughter ) Well, make yourself at home.
I'm a salesman.
I am not interested in buying anything.
You haven't seen the merchandise.
Raus.
( scoffs ) Junk.
Really, Major? Oh, you know who I am.
Everybody knows the Gestapo, and everybody knows the black market.
You are not a salesman; you are American.
Who are you? I'm a friend of Sergeant Schultz, and I want you off his back.
Sergeant Schultz, hmm? I don't want him to get frostbite.
Really? Well, considering you may be arrested and shot, that is very decent of you.
That's a shot they'll hear all the way to Berlin.
You're threatening me? And Hermann.
How did you find out? Let's just say I'd rather have your boss, Himmler, find out, if necessary.
What is your interest in Schultz? I like him.
That is not good enough! For you it is! I've laid it out for you, Major.
Cancel Schultz's train reservation or Gestapo headquarters gets the whole story.
Well you are a very clever salesman.
I will think about it.
You do that.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Wiedersehen.
( door opening ) Well? I have never seen him before.
Who is he? It doesn't matter.
He says he knows all about our business, claims he has friends in Berlin.
Aah bluffing.
Maybe, but why take chances? We will move everything all at once.
I will bring the truck around.
All right, uh What about our newfound friend? Our former friend? Kill him.
( crashing ) Let's go.
( truck approaching ) Schnell, schnell! That light! I I'll take care of it.
No! Keep working.
KIEGEL: Get these things out of here! Not a bad shot.
Give that Kraut one cigar.
All right, all clear.
Got them, Colonel.
Good work.
Let's get back to camp and develop those pictures, eh? How many copies you want? Five or six, nice and sharp.
Something suitable for blackmail.
Yes, General Burkhalter, I understand.
Thank you for advising me.
I'll take care of it, you don't have to worry.
You do worry-- yes, sir.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Heil Hitler.
That makes it official.
Any orders given by Major Kiegel are revoked effective immediately.
He was arrested by his own people, the Gestapo.
Arrested, Herr Kommandant? Black market activity.
Some of the evidence, even a few photographs were sent to his superiors in Berlin by someone.
He was caught in the act.
I never really trusted that man.
Well, then if his orders are revoked, that means that Your transfer? Once.
Twice.
Three times.
Mmm that feels so good, Herr Kommandant! Please, tear it up once more.
Let me be the first one to congratulate you.
Thank you, Herr Kommandant! But, Herr Kommandant, you congratulated me when I was going to the Russian front.
I'm very flexible in these matters.
May I unpack, Herr Kommandant? Absolutely.
You may resume your duties immediately.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
What are you doing? Well, Herr Kommandant, we had a drink when I was about to be transferred ( bangs desk sharply ) One more move and I will paste these orders back together piece by piece.
Dismissed! All set, Colonel.
Okay.
Schultz will probably be going into town tonight for a little celebration.
Yeah, the mail must go through.
"Neither rain nor snow or" Watch it.
How's that go? Colonel Hogan, Colonel Hogan! Guess what! Congratulations, Schultz.
How do you know? Just an educated guess.
Maria will be happy when she hears the news, eh, Schultzy? Big time in the old town tonight, huh? How about getting this celebration started with a few bending exercises? Hold it, hold it! Hold everything! I am not going into town tonight, I am not going to see Maria anymore-- that's where the trouble started.
It's all over, and I'm not going to do any bending exercises either! What happened? Gentlemen, we saved a Kraut and lost a pigeon.
I got it! "Neither rain or snow or gloom of night will stay our couriers" Carter.
"From these appointed rounds.
" It's very famous.