Hogan's Heroes (1965) s04e04 Episode Script
Hogan's Trucking Service ... We Deliver the Factory to You
( theme song playing ) How you doing with Klink's car? We can't stall him much longer.
We've taken care of everything on the list.
Bust everything and start all over again.
That's what we're doing now.
Why is the loading of the truck taking so long? When you're loading a truck with TNT, haste really makes waste.
Got all the fuses timed in synch? Yeah.
You just have to hook them up to the truck's battery, and then tonight at 12:00, boy-- ba-boom! ( tools clank ) Colonel Hogan, I trust your men have my car ready as you promised they would.
They've been hard at it since daylight, sir.
They're expert mechanics.
Wouldn't know how to do anything but a good job.
Herr Kommandant, please.
I just opened the door and it fell off.
Just a suggestion, sir-- I'd have that door fixed if I were you.
You're the mechanics.
Why didn't you fix it? It's not on the list, sir.
The car door wasn't on the list, because I didn't think there was anything wrong with it when I wrote the list.
I'll buy that, sir.
Thank you, Colonel.
I mean, I know the truth when I hear it.
Of course, we don't hear it from you too often, do we? ( chuckles ) Sorry, sir.
Hogan, I want my car.
You will have it, sir, sooner than you expect.
How can it be sooner than I expect, when it is already later than I thought? Hogan, I have a dinner date and I want my car by 7:00 sharp.
I can have your promise anytime.
This time I want my car.
( grunts ) Hi, Schultz! Shh I'm sneaking a rest from Commandant Klink.
He has been driving me crazy! It's what you need.
You might get rid of some of that blubber.
I don't mind carrying a few extra pounds.
Good, here's a few more you can carry.
Very good of you to offer your help, Schultz.
We can use it.
I didn't offer anything.
Why should I do your work when I'm hiding here from my work? Suit yourself.
All right, Kinch, you want to knock off for some coffee and cake? Right.
Coffee and, uh cake? What kind of a cake? Just the richest, thickest, creamiest chocolate cake you ever laid eyes on.
And eyes are all you're going to lay on it, mate.
The rest of your fat face can stay where it is.
I wouldn't touch a crumb, even if you asked me.
Were you thinking of asking me? Nope.
Not at all.
I'm glad.
No matter how hungry I am, I refuse to eat your cake.
And I'm so hungry, I could eat anything.
Oh, that is a shame.
It's a dirty, rotten shame, but I'm not complaining.
A little starvation doesn't hurt anybody.
I grit my teeth, tighten my belt and fall on my knees and beg for a little piece of cake.
We got to finish loading the truck first.
I'll help you.
Hey, watch it! Are you trying to blow up this whole camp? That crate's loaded with Kinch! Loaded with what, what, what? Don't ask me.
I can't read German.
HOGAN: All right now, Carter, you follow Newkirk in Klink's car.
Tell the guard you're road-testing it.
CARTER: Yes, sir.
Newkirk, you drive the truck.
Park it here by the bottling plant.
NEWKIRK: So that's where they're making the ball bearings.
Formidable.
An old deserted bottle factory turned into a ball-bearing plant.
Yeah, which that truck's going to turn into an old deserted vacant lot.
And the explosion should pull the SS force away from the fuel tanks here.
Making it a nice piece of cake for the underground to hit.
Mm-hmm.
But won't they send the troops from the railroad depot to cover? Yeah, we're counting on it.
If they do, underground units four and five will move into the rail depot.
Oh, they're going to have to time that pretty close.
Everything depends on that truck blowing up on time.
It will, sir.
Kinch, from now on, all communications for this operation use the code name "delivery truck.
" Right, Colonel.
Delivery truck-- very good.
Have you noticed how much more clever the code names are lately? I think Intelligence has turned it over to an advertising agency.
( beeping ) That's our signal.
It's Leader Four.
Stuger? Colonel Hogan, we have just received new orders to prepare for an attack on Stalag 16.
I thought our target was the railroad depot.
It is-- who changed the orders? The new area commander, Colonel X.
Colonel X-- who's he? He's supposed to be an escaped prisoner of war.
He took over unit one two days ago.
That's his right as the high-ranking Allied officer.
I don't care what his rank is.
The original order still goes.
Pass that along to the other units.
Over and out.
Whoever this Colonel X is, he's not going to ruin this one for us.
You want me to contact London, see what they got on him? Well, they won't be receiving again for a couple of hours.
Carter, Newkirk Yes, sir.
Yeah.
As soon as you deliver that truck to the ball-bearing plant, swing by unit one headquarters.
See what you can find out about this Colonel X.
Right, sir.
Uh, shall we observe or infiltrate, sir? Better get an idea of the operation first.
Could be a trap.
Right.
That's exactly my thinking, sir.
I'll bet that Colonel X is Gestapo and he's just sitting there waiting to nail all of us.
Fantastic.
You know, I'm glad you're going along with me, Carter.
You make simple everyday chores seem like real bloody adventures.
Oh, Colonel Klink, how lovely.
Allow me, my dear.
Oh, Fraulein Hilda, after office hours, I don't think there's any need to be so formal.
No need at all, Colonel Klink.
Oh, if you really feel that way, please, let's drop the "Colonel," shall we? All right, Klink.
My first name is Wilhelm.
Let's go.
I'm starved.
Oh, my dear.
I didn't have any lunch today.
Oh, the car's waiting right outside.
Hardly any breakfast either.
Oh, please, allow me.
Thank you, Klink.
Wilhelm! What is that? ( engine sputtering ) Schultz! Schultz, where's my car? Herr Kommandant, it's still being fixed.
Colonel Hogan had two men working all night long to be sure that the car is ready and waiting tomorrow morning like he promised.
He promised it would be ready and waiting tonight.
Instead, we're ready and still waiting.
"We're ready and still waiting.
" Very clever.
It's good that you can joke about it.
Oh, shut up, you dunderhead.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
I think I'm going to have a headache.
We can't go to dinner in that.
I know I'm going to have a headache.
Oh, Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan had his men put on the sidecar, so you don't have to go to dinner in a sanitation truck.
Well, I'm all for that.
How about you, Hilda? I've got a headache.
Oh, you have a headache because you're hungry.
No, no, the headache took my appetite away.
Good night, Colonel.
Can I give you a ride to the gate, huh? But I'd rather walk.
She didn't even take her corsage.
Why don't you call another girl, while it's still fresh? Why don't you keep your stupid suggestions in your big fat mouth? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
The finest food, the finest wines, I told them.
How am I supposed to enjoy an eight-course dinner all by myself? I'm not doing anything tonight.
Oh, but you are doing something tonight.
You're standing outside guarding my last means of transportation.
Hogan's Rathskeller, Schultz! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
( engine struggles to turn over ) I guess it hasn't been used lately.
I hope it's a long time before it's used again.
Schnell, Schultz.
( engine suddenly starts ) ( screams ) Herr Kommandant, hold on to your hat.
Here we go.
Schultz! Schultz!! Hey, Carter.
Colonel Hogan, is that you out there? No, it's me back here.
Boy, I was hoping you'd show up.
What are you doing on guard duty? Why didn't you come back? Colonel X said he was short of men and said we're volunteering to join his outfit.
Carter, you're a prisoner of war.
You're confined to a prison camp.
You just can't come and go as you please.
I know that.
And we told that to Colonel X, but he just wouldn't listen.
Well, I'm going to tell it to him.
Where is this screwball? Right through that door.
Oh, you have to check with his aide first.
We have to make sure you aren't a Gestapo agent out to shoot him.
Not me.
I'm an American officer about to wring his neck.
You're the aide? Yes, sir.
What's going on here? Well, I'm not at liberty to say, sir.
You see, Colonel X's life is in constant danger and should any harm come to him, it would be a devastating blow to the German war effort.
A cold chill just swept over me as a name came to mind.
Name of who, sir? Please don't tell me the mysterious Colonel X is our Colonel Crittendon? Indeed he is, Hogan, back in the thick of things and ready for a bit of fox and hounds with Jerry.
Can't tell you how good it is to see you again.
I can't tell you how it is to see you again, too, Colonel.
But they couldn't imprison my spirit.
The moment I entered Stalag 16, I had one thought-- escape.
Somehow, some way I would escape.
You certainly did.
Look, Colonel Actually I think the most exciting part is the escape itself.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, you had me on the edge of my seat with that.
Oh, you mean I already told you that part? Yeah, it's the most exciting part.
Yes, that's it, all right.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, guess the old thinking cap isn't on snug enough, eh, what? It's plain, you know, this new command.
Heavy lies the head that wears the crown, what! ( grunts ) Of course, I did have Crittendon's commandos to help me.
Crittendon's commandos? Yes, the ten men who were with me on that daring escape I just told you about.
Yeah, the ten men who escaped with you.
Those are the chaps-- carefully chosen, I assure you.
You'd be hard-pressed to find a better fighting force.
I'd be glad when they're with me again.
Where are they? Back in Stalag 16.
Caught a bit of rotten luck last week.
They were out on patrol and they ran into an armed farmer.
A farmer? One farmer? Aha! Remember, he was armed.
Had a six-pronged pitchfork, and he knew how to use it.
Those farmers are good with the pitchfork all right.
Poor devils.
Walked right into an ambush.
Didn't stand a chance.
But I have a plan to break them out.
Newkirk! Sir! Where are those top-secret plans for the surprise attack on Stalag 16? Right behind you, sir, on the wall where you tacked them up.
Ah, yes, there they are.
I'm afraid I've got orders that may delay your operation, Colonel.
I'm in command here, Hogan.
I give the orders-- not you, not anyone else.
These are from London.
They'll be obeyed to the letter, and I shall be with you every step of the way.
Now, what do we do first? First I need a volunteer for a very dangerous assignment.
Mm-hmm.
He must be a man with courage and superior intelligence.
Got any suggestions? Courage, eh? Mm-hmm.
Superior intelligence.
Well, the only person I know that fits that description would be Colonel Crittendon.
By George, he's right.
Colonel Crittendon volunteering for duty, sir.
That's a grand attitude, sir.
I guess I have no alternative but to accept.
Do you happen to have a map of this area? Certainly.
I've got one right in here somewhere.
( clears throat ): Now map.
Up to my ears in maps here somewhere.
Ah, here we are.
All right, now, the man Colonel? You've given me the directions for assembling your radio set.
So it is.
No wonder none of the towns look familiar.
Let me make a sketch for you.
This is the main road from Hammelburg.
This is the Arnheim ball-bearing works.
It's an old bottling plant.
Right.
I take it my job is to destroy the factory, eh? Ha! I like that.
I was with a demolition squad once.
Fine lads may they rest in peace.
That part is already taken care of.
Your job is to make sure that the bombs go off at exactly 2400.
Mm-hmm.
And you radio me the damage report.
Now, is that all clear, or do you want me to write it out for you? Don't bother-- I'm gifted with total recall.
I can even recite all the Shakespeare plays I saw as a boy.
Let me write it out for you.
Don't believe me, eh? All right.
Here's what you said word for word.
Would you care to hear The Merchant of Venice? ( clears throat ) "The quality of mercy is" Mercy is not strained.
"is not strained.
It droppeth like the, uh" Don't tell me, don't tell me.
Gentle rain from heaven, sir.
"Gentle rain from heaven.
" Uh "To be or not to be.
" Well so far everything is going according to plan, right? NEWKIRK: Couldn't be better.
Getting that truck full of TNT out of here was the only thing that had me worried.
CARTER: Nothing to it.
Now it's just sitting there at the plant ticking off the seconds till boom time.
Everything is going perfect.
Then why do I have this feeling of impending disaster? I think that's from seeing Crittendon.
He leaves everyone feeling that way.
Crittendon is where he can't do any damage.
He's the one thing you don't have to worry about.
He's the one thing I always worry about.
We've got it made now, sir.
Yeah, an awful lot can happen in two hours.
Achtung, chaps! NEWKIRK: That awful lot that can happen just did.
What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the ball-bearing plant waiting to report on the damage.
There was no damage, and there was no explosion.
I waited for some time past the appointed hour, but you've come a cropper on this one, Hogan old boy.
The appointed hour is still two hours away.
Ha! I'm afraid your watch is a little tardy.
You said I said 2400.
Quite so.
That's 9:00 p.
m.
mufti time.
No, no, no, Hogan.
Those figures used to confuse me, too.
You see, You see, two and four is six, and six into 24 goes four times.
So what's six and four? Uh five, six, seven ( mumbles ) By George, it's 10:00.
Ha! That's a good one.
We were both wrong.
Your explosion is set to go off at 10:00.
Well, cheer up, chaps.
You haven't pulled a bone out this time.
It's, uh it's almost 10:00 now.
Why don't I hop in the truck and buzz back for a look-see? Truck? What truck? The Jerry truck that was parked at the ball- bearing factory.
Colonel Hogan, could that be? Of course it is.
Keys were in it with this helmet and topcoat, My guardian angel was looking after me tonight, wasn't he? He's going to be looking you right in the eye if you parked that truck nearby.
Where'd you leave it? Right beside the barracks.
Our barracks? Hey, sir, we got to get that out of here.
Why all this fuss about a silly truck? Because that silly truck happens to be loaded with TNT set to go off at midnight.
So that's how you were going to blow up the factory.
Juicily good plan, Hogan.
Oh, yes, smashing plan.
Thanks a lot, Crittendon.
But there's just one thing that I overlooked.
Indeed? Yes, uh I didn't see the possibility of some bonehead finding the truck and driving off with it.
Well, I suppose that is a possibility, but frankly, I can't see it happening.
Besides, I already have the truck, so that solves that problem right there.
Sir, time's getting short.
Kinch, look outside.
Make sure everything's clear.
Somebody's got to drive that truck back where it belongs.
Right, Colonel.
Here.
Colonel Crittendon volunteering, sir.
Forget it.
One of us will take care of it this time.
Uh-oh, I think we got troubles.
Herr Kommandant-- all I know the truck drove out and later it drove in again.
That's all I know.
Mm-hmm, it drove out, and later it drove in again.
You didn't think it was necessary to ask him why he was going out.
No, Herr Kommandant.
I don't think it was necessary to ask him why he was going out.
Explain why, please.
Because he was going in.
I was not on duty when he was going out.
These are military vehicles used for military purposes only, not to take drives to Lover's Lane with a Fraulein.
Now, I am posting a guard here with instructions to arrest that driver when he comes back.
Boy, when you get a feeling of impending disaster, it works like a charm, doesn't it? And you don't have to wait very long for it either.
Now, the first thing we must do is not panic.
I already have.
What's the second thing? Seems simple to me.
One of us slips up behind the guard, overpowers him, and drives away the truck.
Take another look at the guard, Crittendon.
Corporal Kohler isn't too easy to overpower.
"The bigger they come, the harder they fall," my judo instructor used to say.
You'll need more than your judo lessons with him.
Not when it's killer judo.
When you have mastered the deadly art of KJ, as we call it, these hands become instruments of death.
One fen-ichi chop can snap a man's neck like a dry twig.
( makes judo cry ) I'll contact you when I get back to headquarters.
If I were you, I wouldn't watch.
( makes judo cry ) ( shouts louder ) Ha! That's the opening I've been waiting for.
( makes judo cries ) Ow.
You are an Englander? Yes.
You're a German, aren't you? You're an Englander prisoner.
You stay right there.
Just stay right there.
One more step and I'll be forced to use these.
Just stay where you are.
Go one more step and these hands will strike to kill.
All right.
Sayonara! You can question me until you're blue in the face, but I shall tell you nothing.
KLINK: Oh, you shouldn't take that attitude, Colonel.
These gentlemen went to a lot of trouble to come and see you.
Surely there must be something you can tell them.
He will tell us everything.
Nothing.
Now, I know you'll try to torture me.
Come, Crittendon, that's nonsense.
Do these two gentlemen look as if they would torture a helpless prisoner? ( laughs loudly ) I think you better tell them everything they want to know.
NEWKIRK: Kinch has just connected the phone cable, sir, to Klink's office.
Did you take care of Hochstetter's car? All set.
Make the call.
Now, Major Hochstetter, may I suggest Klink, you have wasted enough of my time.
He will talk soon enough at headquarters.
Sir, I am still the commandant of this camp Commandant! ( phone rings ) Colonel Klink speaking.
This is Gestapo headquarters.
Give me Major Hochstetter.
Just a moment.
Sir, it's for you.
Gestapo headquarters.
Major Hochstetter here.
Major, there's been trouble at the Arnheim plant.
It looks like sabotage.
They have suspects they're holding for you.
I'll be right there.
There's trouble at the ball-bearing plant.
Bring him along.
KLINK: I assure you, Major Hochstetter, I had nothing to do with Crittendon's being here.
The commandant of the camp he escaped from is the one you want.
I'm in a hurry, Klink.
We will discuss it later, at your trial.
Yes, Major Hochstetter.
I've got a flat tire.
Oh, I'll have one of my men change it at once, sir.
Never mind.
I'll take your staff car.
Oh, please do.
Just try not to hit too many bumps.
It always knocks off the sidecar.
What? That's something they put on a motorcycle.
Yes, sir.
Sometimes it's on, sometimes it's off.
You see, my staff car is being repaired.
( groans ) Instead I'll take that truck if the commandant has no objection.
As a matter of fact, Major Hochstetter I have no objections at all.
( growls with anger ) The factory should blow pretty soon now.
HOGAN: Forget it.
I wonder if there's any chance Crittendon could have gotten away.
He might have used that killer judo to escape.
That's what he used to get captured.
You know what, Colonel Crittendon-- he was really a pretty good guy.
Hello again, chaps.
What are you doing back here? He was caught trying to escape.
I did escape.
Used killer judo on the guard.
Gave him a one-handed chop to the neck, and a two-handed conk on the head with a basket of towels.
Then I jumped out of the truck.
Big deal! You still didn't get very far before you were caught.
Picked up by a patrol, huh? No-- ran into the same blasted farmer that ambushed my commando.
( huge explosion ) How about that-- right on the nose.
What was that? Thunder, Schultz.
Weatherman said rain tonight.
Said to be sure to wear your helmet if you go outside.
Expecting heavy showers of ball bearings in the area.
New spark plugs.
Check.
Wash-and-wax job.
Check.
Put door on passenger side.
Check.
( motorcycle roaring and backfiring ) Schultz, help me out of here.
I feel as if I'm riding around in a bathtub.
I'm sorry, Herr Kommandant.
I put you right on your feet.
No, before you put me on my feet, get my feet out of the sidecar.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
( Klink groans ) That's enough, that's enough, that's enough.
Now, Hogan, I want you to say, "Colonel Klink, your car is ready.
" All right.
Colonel Klink, your car is almost ready.
No almost-- just a simple sentence.
"Your car is ready now.
" Let's try it, shall we? Your car is ready now.
Good.
But I just want to run down the checklist, make sure we haven't forgotten anything.
Forget about the checklist.
It looks just fine.
( engine starts ) Sounds fine, feels fine.
It's just fine, Hogan.
But, Colonel Hands off-- I'm in a hurry.
You fellas think of anything we might have left out? Nope.
No.
The brake cable is all I can think of.
( loud crash )
We've taken care of everything on the list.
Bust everything and start all over again.
That's what we're doing now.
Why is the loading of the truck taking so long? When you're loading a truck with TNT, haste really makes waste.
Got all the fuses timed in synch? Yeah.
You just have to hook them up to the truck's battery, and then tonight at 12:00, boy-- ba-boom! ( tools clank ) Colonel Hogan, I trust your men have my car ready as you promised they would.
They've been hard at it since daylight, sir.
They're expert mechanics.
Wouldn't know how to do anything but a good job.
Herr Kommandant, please.
I just opened the door and it fell off.
Just a suggestion, sir-- I'd have that door fixed if I were you.
You're the mechanics.
Why didn't you fix it? It's not on the list, sir.
The car door wasn't on the list, because I didn't think there was anything wrong with it when I wrote the list.
I'll buy that, sir.
Thank you, Colonel.
I mean, I know the truth when I hear it.
Of course, we don't hear it from you too often, do we? ( chuckles ) Sorry, sir.
Hogan, I want my car.
You will have it, sir, sooner than you expect.
How can it be sooner than I expect, when it is already later than I thought? Hogan, I have a dinner date and I want my car by 7:00 sharp.
I can have your promise anytime.
This time I want my car.
( grunts ) Hi, Schultz! Shh I'm sneaking a rest from Commandant Klink.
He has been driving me crazy! It's what you need.
You might get rid of some of that blubber.
I don't mind carrying a few extra pounds.
Good, here's a few more you can carry.
Very good of you to offer your help, Schultz.
We can use it.
I didn't offer anything.
Why should I do your work when I'm hiding here from my work? Suit yourself.
All right, Kinch, you want to knock off for some coffee and cake? Right.
Coffee and, uh cake? What kind of a cake? Just the richest, thickest, creamiest chocolate cake you ever laid eyes on.
And eyes are all you're going to lay on it, mate.
The rest of your fat face can stay where it is.
I wouldn't touch a crumb, even if you asked me.
Were you thinking of asking me? Nope.
Not at all.
I'm glad.
No matter how hungry I am, I refuse to eat your cake.
And I'm so hungry, I could eat anything.
Oh, that is a shame.
It's a dirty, rotten shame, but I'm not complaining.
A little starvation doesn't hurt anybody.
I grit my teeth, tighten my belt and fall on my knees and beg for a little piece of cake.
We got to finish loading the truck first.
I'll help you.
Hey, watch it! Are you trying to blow up this whole camp? That crate's loaded with Kinch! Loaded with what, what, what? Don't ask me.
I can't read German.
HOGAN: All right now, Carter, you follow Newkirk in Klink's car.
Tell the guard you're road-testing it.
CARTER: Yes, sir.
Newkirk, you drive the truck.
Park it here by the bottling plant.
NEWKIRK: So that's where they're making the ball bearings.
Formidable.
An old deserted bottle factory turned into a ball-bearing plant.
Yeah, which that truck's going to turn into an old deserted vacant lot.
And the explosion should pull the SS force away from the fuel tanks here.
Making it a nice piece of cake for the underground to hit.
Mm-hmm.
But won't they send the troops from the railroad depot to cover? Yeah, we're counting on it.
If they do, underground units four and five will move into the rail depot.
Oh, they're going to have to time that pretty close.
Everything depends on that truck blowing up on time.
It will, sir.
Kinch, from now on, all communications for this operation use the code name "delivery truck.
" Right, Colonel.
Delivery truck-- very good.
Have you noticed how much more clever the code names are lately? I think Intelligence has turned it over to an advertising agency.
( beeping ) That's our signal.
It's Leader Four.
Stuger? Colonel Hogan, we have just received new orders to prepare for an attack on Stalag 16.
I thought our target was the railroad depot.
It is-- who changed the orders? The new area commander, Colonel X.
Colonel X-- who's he? He's supposed to be an escaped prisoner of war.
He took over unit one two days ago.
That's his right as the high-ranking Allied officer.
I don't care what his rank is.
The original order still goes.
Pass that along to the other units.
Over and out.
Whoever this Colonel X is, he's not going to ruin this one for us.
You want me to contact London, see what they got on him? Well, they won't be receiving again for a couple of hours.
Carter, Newkirk Yes, sir.
Yeah.
As soon as you deliver that truck to the ball-bearing plant, swing by unit one headquarters.
See what you can find out about this Colonel X.
Right, sir.
Uh, shall we observe or infiltrate, sir? Better get an idea of the operation first.
Could be a trap.
Right.
That's exactly my thinking, sir.
I'll bet that Colonel X is Gestapo and he's just sitting there waiting to nail all of us.
Fantastic.
You know, I'm glad you're going along with me, Carter.
You make simple everyday chores seem like real bloody adventures.
Oh, Colonel Klink, how lovely.
Allow me, my dear.
Oh, Fraulein Hilda, after office hours, I don't think there's any need to be so formal.
No need at all, Colonel Klink.
Oh, if you really feel that way, please, let's drop the "Colonel," shall we? All right, Klink.
My first name is Wilhelm.
Let's go.
I'm starved.
Oh, my dear.
I didn't have any lunch today.
Oh, the car's waiting right outside.
Hardly any breakfast either.
Oh, please, allow me.
Thank you, Klink.
Wilhelm! What is that? ( engine sputtering ) Schultz! Schultz, where's my car? Herr Kommandant, it's still being fixed.
Colonel Hogan had two men working all night long to be sure that the car is ready and waiting tomorrow morning like he promised.
He promised it would be ready and waiting tonight.
Instead, we're ready and still waiting.
"We're ready and still waiting.
" Very clever.
It's good that you can joke about it.
Oh, shut up, you dunderhead.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
I think I'm going to have a headache.
We can't go to dinner in that.
I know I'm going to have a headache.
Oh, Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan had his men put on the sidecar, so you don't have to go to dinner in a sanitation truck.
Well, I'm all for that.
How about you, Hilda? I've got a headache.
Oh, you have a headache because you're hungry.
No, no, the headache took my appetite away.
Good night, Colonel.
Can I give you a ride to the gate, huh? But I'd rather walk.
She didn't even take her corsage.
Why don't you call another girl, while it's still fresh? Why don't you keep your stupid suggestions in your big fat mouth? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
The finest food, the finest wines, I told them.
How am I supposed to enjoy an eight-course dinner all by myself? I'm not doing anything tonight.
Oh, but you are doing something tonight.
You're standing outside guarding my last means of transportation.
Hogan's Rathskeller, Schultz! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
( engine struggles to turn over ) I guess it hasn't been used lately.
I hope it's a long time before it's used again.
Schnell, Schultz.
( engine suddenly starts ) ( screams ) Herr Kommandant, hold on to your hat.
Here we go.
Schultz! Schultz!! Hey, Carter.
Colonel Hogan, is that you out there? No, it's me back here.
Boy, I was hoping you'd show up.
What are you doing on guard duty? Why didn't you come back? Colonel X said he was short of men and said we're volunteering to join his outfit.
Carter, you're a prisoner of war.
You're confined to a prison camp.
You just can't come and go as you please.
I know that.
And we told that to Colonel X, but he just wouldn't listen.
Well, I'm going to tell it to him.
Where is this screwball? Right through that door.
Oh, you have to check with his aide first.
We have to make sure you aren't a Gestapo agent out to shoot him.
Not me.
I'm an American officer about to wring his neck.
You're the aide? Yes, sir.
What's going on here? Well, I'm not at liberty to say, sir.
You see, Colonel X's life is in constant danger and should any harm come to him, it would be a devastating blow to the German war effort.
A cold chill just swept over me as a name came to mind.
Name of who, sir? Please don't tell me the mysterious Colonel X is our Colonel Crittendon? Indeed he is, Hogan, back in the thick of things and ready for a bit of fox and hounds with Jerry.
Can't tell you how good it is to see you again.
I can't tell you how it is to see you again, too, Colonel.
But they couldn't imprison my spirit.
The moment I entered Stalag 16, I had one thought-- escape.
Somehow, some way I would escape.
You certainly did.
Look, Colonel Actually I think the most exciting part is the escape itself.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, you had me on the edge of my seat with that.
Oh, you mean I already told you that part? Yeah, it's the most exciting part.
Yes, that's it, all right.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, guess the old thinking cap isn't on snug enough, eh, what? It's plain, you know, this new command.
Heavy lies the head that wears the crown, what! ( grunts ) Of course, I did have Crittendon's commandos to help me.
Crittendon's commandos? Yes, the ten men who were with me on that daring escape I just told you about.
Yeah, the ten men who escaped with you.
Those are the chaps-- carefully chosen, I assure you.
You'd be hard-pressed to find a better fighting force.
I'd be glad when they're with me again.
Where are they? Back in Stalag 16.
Caught a bit of rotten luck last week.
They were out on patrol and they ran into an armed farmer.
A farmer? One farmer? Aha! Remember, he was armed.
Had a six-pronged pitchfork, and he knew how to use it.
Those farmers are good with the pitchfork all right.
Poor devils.
Walked right into an ambush.
Didn't stand a chance.
But I have a plan to break them out.
Newkirk! Sir! Where are those top-secret plans for the surprise attack on Stalag 16? Right behind you, sir, on the wall where you tacked them up.
Ah, yes, there they are.
I'm afraid I've got orders that may delay your operation, Colonel.
I'm in command here, Hogan.
I give the orders-- not you, not anyone else.
These are from London.
They'll be obeyed to the letter, and I shall be with you every step of the way.
Now, what do we do first? First I need a volunteer for a very dangerous assignment.
Mm-hmm.
He must be a man with courage and superior intelligence.
Got any suggestions? Courage, eh? Mm-hmm.
Superior intelligence.
Well, the only person I know that fits that description would be Colonel Crittendon.
By George, he's right.
Colonel Crittendon volunteering for duty, sir.
That's a grand attitude, sir.
I guess I have no alternative but to accept.
Do you happen to have a map of this area? Certainly.
I've got one right in here somewhere.
( clears throat ): Now map.
Up to my ears in maps here somewhere.
Ah, here we are.
All right, now, the man Colonel? You've given me the directions for assembling your radio set.
So it is.
No wonder none of the towns look familiar.
Let me make a sketch for you.
This is the main road from Hammelburg.
This is the Arnheim ball-bearing works.
It's an old bottling plant.
Right.
I take it my job is to destroy the factory, eh? Ha! I like that.
I was with a demolition squad once.
Fine lads may they rest in peace.
That part is already taken care of.
Your job is to make sure that the bombs go off at exactly 2400.
Mm-hmm.
And you radio me the damage report.
Now, is that all clear, or do you want me to write it out for you? Don't bother-- I'm gifted with total recall.
I can even recite all the Shakespeare plays I saw as a boy.
Let me write it out for you.
Don't believe me, eh? All right.
Here's what you said word for word.
Would you care to hear The Merchant of Venice? ( clears throat ) "The quality of mercy is" Mercy is not strained.
"is not strained.
It droppeth like the, uh" Don't tell me, don't tell me.
Gentle rain from heaven, sir.
"Gentle rain from heaven.
" Uh "To be or not to be.
" Well so far everything is going according to plan, right? NEWKIRK: Couldn't be better.
Getting that truck full of TNT out of here was the only thing that had me worried.
CARTER: Nothing to it.
Now it's just sitting there at the plant ticking off the seconds till boom time.
Everything is going perfect.
Then why do I have this feeling of impending disaster? I think that's from seeing Crittendon.
He leaves everyone feeling that way.
Crittendon is where he can't do any damage.
He's the one thing you don't have to worry about.
He's the one thing I always worry about.
We've got it made now, sir.
Yeah, an awful lot can happen in two hours.
Achtung, chaps! NEWKIRK: That awful lot that can happen just did.
What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the ball-bearing plant waiting to report on the damage.
There was no damage, and there was no explosion.
I waited for some time past the appointed hour, but you've come a cropper on this one, Hogan old boy.
The appointed hour is still two hours away.
Ha! I'm afraid your watch is a little tardy.
You said I said 2400.
Quite so.
That's 9:00 p.
m.
mufti time.
No, no, no, Hogan.
Those figures used to confuse me, too.
You see, You see, two and four is six, and six into 24 goes four times.
So what's six and four? Uh five, six, seven ( mumbles ) By George, it's 10:00.
Ha! That's a good one.
We were both wrong.
Your explosion is set to go off at 10:00.
Well, cheer up, chaps.
You haven't pulled a bone out this time.
It's, uh it's almost 10:00 now.
Why don't I hop in the truck and buzz back for a look-see? Truck? What truck? The Jerry truck that was parked at the ball- bearing factory.
Colonel Hogan, could that be? Of course it is.
Keys were in it with this helmet and topcoat, My guardian angel was looking after me tonight, wasn't he? He's going to be looking you right in the eye if you parked that truck nearby.
Where'd you leave it? Right beside the barracks.
Our barracks? Hey, sir, we got to get that out of here.
Why all this fuss about a silly truck? Because that silly truck happens to be loaded with TNT set to go off at midnight.
So that's how you were going to blow up the factory.
Juicily good plan, Hogan.
Oh, yes, smashing plan.
Thanks a lot, Crittendon.
But there's just one thing that I overlooked.
Indeed? Yes, uh I didn't see the possibility of some bonehead finding the truck and driving off with it.
Well, I suppose that is a possibility, but frankly, I can't see it happening.
Besides, I already have the truck, so that solves that problem right there.
Sir, time's getting short.
Kinch, look outside.
Make sure everything's clear.
Somebody's got to drive that truck back where it belongs.
Right, Colonel.
Here.
Colonel Crittendon volunteering, sir.
Forget it.
One of us will take care of it this time.
Uh-oh, I think we got troubles.
Herr Kommandant-- all I know the truck drove out and later it drove in again.
That's all I know.
Mm-hmm, it drove out, and later it drove in again.
You didn't think it was necessary to ask him why he was going out.
No, Herr Kommandant.
I don't think it was necessary to ask him why he was going out.
Explain why, please.
Because he was going in.
I was not on duty when he was going out.
These are military vehicles used for military purposes only, not to take drives to Lover's Lane with a Fraulein.
Now, I am posting a guard here with instructions to arrest that driver when he comes back.
Boy, when you get a feeling of impending disaster, it works like a charm, doesn't it? And you don't have to wait very long for it either.
Now, the first thing we must do is not panic.
I already have.
What's the second thing? Seems simple to me.
One of us slips up behind the guard, overpowers him, and drives away the truck.
Take another look at the guard, Crittendon.
Corporal Kohler isn't too easy to overpower.
"The bigger they come, the harder they fall," my judo instructor used to say.
You'll need more than your judo lessons with him.
Not when it's killer judo.
When you have mastered the deadly art of KJ, as we call it, these hands become instruments of death.
One fen-ichi chop can snap a man's neck like a dry twig.
( makes judo cry ) I'll contact you when I get back to headquarters.
If I were you, I wouldn't watch.
( makes judo cry ) ( shouts louder ) Ha! That's the opening I've been waiting for.
( makes judo cries ) Ow.
You are an Englander? Yes.
You're a German, aren't you? You're an Englander prisoner.
You stay right there.
Just stay right there.
One more step and I'll be forced to use these.
Just stay where you are.
Go one more step and these hands will strike to kill.
All right.
Sayonara! You can question me until you're blue in the face, but I shall tell you nothing.
KLINK: Oh, you shouldn't take that attitude, Colonel.
These gentlemen went to a lot of trouble to come and see you.
Surely there must be something you can tell them.
He will tell us everything.
Nothing.
Now, I know you'll try to torture me.
Come, Crittendon, that's nonsense.
Do these two gentlemen look as if they would torture a helpless prisoner? ( laughs loudly ) I think you better tell them everything they want to know.
NEWKIRK: Kinch has just connected the phone cable, sir, to Klink's office.
Did you take care of Hochstetter's car? All set.
Make the call.
Now, Major Hochstetter, may I suggest Klink, you have wasted enough of my time.
He will talk soon enough at headquarters.
Sir, I am still the commandant of this camp Commandant! ( phone rings ) Colonel Klink speaking.
This is Gestapo headquarters.
Give me Major Hochstetter.
Just a moment.
Sir, it's for you.
Gestapo headquarters.
Major Hochstetter here.
Major, there's been trouble at the Arnheim plant.
It looks like sabotage.
They have suspects they're holding for you.
I'll be right there.
There's trouble at the ball-bearing plant.
Bring him along.
KLINK: I assure you, Major Hochstetter, I had nothing to do with Crittendon's being here.
The commandant of the camp he escaped from is the one you want.
I'm in a hurry, Klink.
We will discuss it later, at your trial.
Yes, Major Hochstetter.
I've got a flat tire.
Oh, I'll have one of my men change it at once, sir.
Never mind.
I'll take your staff car.
Oh, please do.
Just try not to hit too many bumps.
It always knocks off the sidecar.
What? That's something they put on a motorcycle.
Yes, sir.
Sometimes it's on, sometimes it's off.
You see, my staff car is being repaired.
( groans ) Instead I'll take that truck if the commandant has no objection.
As a matter of fact, Major Hochstetter I have no objections at all.
( growls with anger ) The factory should blow pretty soon now.
HOGAN: Forget it.
I wonder if there's any chance Crittendon could have gotten away.
He might have used that killer judo to escape.
That's what he used to get captured.
You know what, Colonel Crittendon-- he was really a pretty good guy.
Hello again, chaps.
What are you doing back here? He was caught trying to escape.
I did escape.
Used killer judo on the guard.
Gave him a one-handed chop to the neck, and a two-handed conk on the head with a basket of towels.
Then I jumped out of the truck.
Big deal! You still didn't get very far before you were caught.
Picked up by a patrol, huh? No-- ran into the same blasted farmer that ambushed my commando.
( huge explosion ) How about that-- right on the nose.
What was that? Thunder, Schultz.
Weatherman said rain tonight.
Said to be sure to wear your helmet if you go outside.
Expecting heavy showers of ball bearings in the area.
New spark plugs.
Check.
Wash-and-wax job.
Check.
Put door on passenger side.
Check.
( motorcycle roaring and backfiring ) Schultz, help me out of here.
I feel as if I'm riding around in a bathtub.
I'm sorry, Herr Kommandant.
I put you right on your feet.
No, before you put me on my feet, get my feet out of the sidecar.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
( Klink groans ) That's enough, that's enough, that's enough.
Now, Hogan, I want you to say, "Colonel Klink, your car is ready.
" All right.
Colonel Klink, your car is almost ready.
No almost-- just a simple sentence.
"Your car is ready now.
" Let's try it, shall we? Your car is ready now.
Good.
But I just want to run down the checklist, make sure we haven't forgotten anything.
Forget about the checklist.
It looks just fine.
( engine starts ) Sounds fine, feels fine.
It's just fine, Hogan.
But, Colonel Hands off-- I'm in a hurry.
You fellas think of anything we might have left out? Nope.
No.
The brake cable is all I can think of.
( loud crash )