Hogan's Heroes (1965) s04e11 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) So, these are your chickens, eh, Colonel? Yes, Major, my chickens.
Look more like pigs to me.
( grumbling ) Your uniform is filthy.
Do me a favor.
Drop dead.
How dare you! Hold it! Hold it! Be as nasty as you like, but don't touch.
Colonel Hogan! I'll remember you, Fritz.
Well, the prisoner threatens me.
I'd like to talk with this man alone.
Of course, Major Temple.
This way, please.
Mm-hmm, very nice.
All the comforts of home if you live in a garbage pail.
And I suppose you have all sorts of activities to keep yourself occupied.
Mostly basket weaving and clay modeling.
Oh, you play cards.
Mm-hmm.
Poker, by any chance? Yeah, we play poker.
A cloud passes over the sun.
Casting shadows on the Earth below.
Robert J.
Morrison, Milwaukee.
A major in German Intelligence? We can't talk now, Hogan.
Klink asked me to stay for dinner.
Can you arrange something? Yeah, as soon as I get over the shock of an American in German uniform.
It's a crazy war.
Your life insurance premiums must be murder.
Great food, excellent.
You do yourself very well here, Colonel.
Thank you.
I always say there is no sense A very practical philosophy.
At the risk of sounding immodest, I do drop a few gems once in a while.
( phone ringing ) Hello? Yeah, this is Stalag 13.
Aben.
This is General Clemens.
I want to talk to Colonel Klink immediately.
General Clemens?! Heil Hitler.
This is Stalag 13.
Oh, I said it already.
Kommandant is in his quarters.
I can have that call transferred immediately.
Nein.
You will call him to his office at once.
This is official business.
Top secret.
I will wait.
Jawohl, Herr General.
I will have the Kommandant here at once if not sooner.
I said have the call transferred here.
I suggested it, Herr Kommandant, but he wants to talk to you in your office.
Official business, top secret.
These generals-- just because they wear a little extra braid on their sleeves.
Huh! My time will come.
Someday, I will wear the braid.
Yes, Herr Kommandant.
Maybe after the war.
Oh, shut up.
Major, would you care for a little more wine? I'll be back in just a few minutes.
Thank you, sir.
I'll be waiting right here.
Come on, Schultz.
Schultz, why do they always call in the middle of a perfectly lovely dinner? All afternoon, I had nothing to do.
Why? Why? Well, Herr Kommandant Oh, who asked you? He'll be busy for at least ten minutes.
Very nicely arranged.
Did you know that your colonel expects to be a general? In these times, it's the dream of every German boy and girl.
We can become president, they can become generals.
You might even make it.
How long you been in the Kraut army? Ten years.
Started back home.
I was ordered to join the German-American Bund.
The next order was a beauty.
I had to give up my citizenship so the Germans would take me.
Ordered to become a traitor.
Right.
Now let's get down to business.
We've got to talk fast.
You know Robin Hood? Yeah, he's one of our control agents in London headquarters.
We get our orders from him by radio.
You won't anymore.
He's come back to Germany.
Back to Germany? I don't follow.
It's easy-- he's a Kraut.
Come on.
Real name: Decker.
German-American, like myself.
Deep agent planted years ago.
OSS got a line on him, he found out and took off.
He could sell us out like that.
He's got more secrets than General Marshall.
He's got to know half the undercover network in Europe-- names, places, dates, codes.
Everybody's got to hole up.
We are holed up.
We're in a POW camp, remember? The Gestapo wants us, all they have to do is shake the tree and we fall out dead.
Not if we get to Decker first.
We know where he is-- Hotel Berlin.
The brass in London want him back, still breathing.
You're kidding? They want to know who his contacts are in England.
Then he stands trial for espionage.
could be executed and they want to play, "Information, please"? Those are the orders.
Return him to England before he starts talking.
Now, right now, he's waiting for General Schellenberg, Gestapo, to return to Berlin from the eastern front.
Well, good luck.
With Decker on the loose, I'm going to make out my will.
Say, you couldn't use a six-year-old motorcycle, could you? It's in the garage back home.
The tires aren't too bad.
Hogan, you've had experience with this kind of a job.
Decker has never seen you, and you're not known in Berlin.
They expect us to go to Berlin and grab a German agent out of the hotel? Your life is on the line, too.
You'll be among the first.
How are we supposed to get there, ask Klink for a weekend pass? The Abwehr-- my outfit-- we have orders to keep interrogating prisoners of war.
So, I take you and your men to Berlin for questioning.
And Klink comes along, too.
Who needs him? Regulation.
A Luftwaffe officer must be present at all interrogation.
Now, time is a factor.
We'll leave early in the morning.
All right.
Oh, and, Morrison, you sure you don't want my motorcycle? Next prisoner to be questioned, Herr Major.
Louis LeBeau, Corporal.
Captured near Chalon.
Oh, beautiful town.
And the girls.
Well, there was one girl Silence, Corporal! I'm not interested in your experiences.
You haven't heard them yet, Herr Kommandant.
Six weeks ago, you received a letter from a woman in Paris.
A, uh, Yvette Blanchard.
You've been reading my mail.
Pretty good, huh, monsieur? The Geneva convention permits us to censor the letters of prisoners.
Oh, we would do it even without that.
I know.
I don't get to read anything.
Schultz! Now, Madam Blanchard says here, among other very interesting things, "Hope to see you soon.
" What does that phrase mean? Oh, that's code for "Hitler's mother wears army shoes.
" Insolence! Does that woman Blanchard have any information with regards to an invasion? Answer the question! What does it mean?! ( speaking French ) ( continues speaking French ) Well, at least we're getting somewhere.
What did he say? I'm afraid I don't speak French.
I was hoping, perhaps, that you may, Herr Colonel.
Oh, well, just for social purposes.
I really don't speak it.
Do you, Sergeant? Yes, Herr Major.
I tried it once.
I got my face slapped.
He has enough trouble with German.
What's the difference? I wouldn't answer the question anyway.
Schultz, take him back to his cell.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
About face.
Forward march.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
( door closes ) These French they're very difficult.
Yes, but I'm sure with your expert technique, you could get plenty out of him.
Oh, yes, Major, my expert technique.
We have questioned Colonel Hogan, Sergeant Carter and that Englishman, Newkirk.
Frankly, I'm not satisfied.
I am not either.
I was about to tell you that.
If I may suggest, I would like to take Hogan and Carter and Newkirk to SS headquarters for more intensive interrogation.
Excellent idea, Major.
May I also suggest that you remain here and continue questioning the Frenchman and, uh, uh, Sergeant Kinchloe.
That way we will save time.
Frankly, Major, I was hoping to see my dear old friend General Von Stormer at SS headquarters.
I haven't seen him for quite a while.
General Von Stormer is in trouble with the Fuhrer at the moment.
Some suspicion of treason.
He's not really a close friend.
Actually, I hardly know him.
As a matter of fact, I don't even like him very much.
I shall stay here, and I shall question the other two.
Very well.
I will make the arrangements.
All right, I won't need you.
More questions, Major? You already asked my name, rank and serial number.
When we get through with you, Colonel Hogan, you will not be quite so insolent.
Decker is still at the hotel.
I hope they got better room service than this joint.
Unfortunately, I can't give you special privileges.
That's all right.
We're moving tomorrow.
I arranged for Carter and Newkirk to go with us.
What about Klink? I talked him into staying here and continue questioning LeBeau and Kinchloe.
Must've done a pretty good selling job.
He's an egomaniac and a creep.
And you hardly know him.
What's the plan? I'll brief you tomorrow.
I don't want to stay here too long.
Morrison? You got more guts than a Philadelphia lawyer.
And why not? I am Major Hans Temple, Military Intelligence.
Please, don't scare me any more than is absolutely necessary.
( rattles door ) ( horn honks ) An ambulance, Major? We have found it the best way to transport prisoners around Berlin.
Has the right of way, and no one can see inside.
Very interesting.
I must remember that, if we ever have an ambulance at Stalag 13.
( horn honks ) ( horn honks ) Now, there shouldn't be any trouble getting into the hotel.
You're a medical unit.
You're here to check his room.
We shouldn't have any trouble, but we may.
I've got trouble right now.
I think it's called "panic.
" Not me.
I'm just plain scared.
Now once we get into Decker's room, we put him to sleep immediately.
And then Newkirk and Carter carry him out on a stretcher to the ambulance? Right.
Down these back stairs.
Now, as soon as Hogan and I join you in the ambulance, we'll drive to the Stalag 13 truck, put Decker into it, take him back to camp and start him on his way to England.
Any questions? Yeah, you said "put him to sleep.
" You got a degree in hypnotism? Glad you brought that up, sir.
You know, a lot of people resist sleep during the day.
He's a bloody genius.
Now, we'll talk to Decker for a few minutes, put him at ease.
And then as we leave, I'll shake his hand.
I'll be wearing this ring.
There's a tiny needle on the band.
When depressed, it releases a drug, sodium thiophene.
Works almost instantly.
Puts you to sleep for about 12 hours.
Diabolical.
Morrison, will you do me a favor? If we ever meet on the street, don't shake my hand, just nod.
( chuckling ) Your, uh name is not familiar to me, Major Teppel.
You did say you are with the Abwehr.
How did you know I was here? Well, the Abwehr has its connections to other intelligence services, Herr Decker.
I see.
Well, what do you want? What are they doing in there, serving tea? We're supposed to be calm.
We're in the medical corps.
Ah, thank you very much, Florence Nightingale.
Ah, we were hoping that you might spare us an hour or two.
There are a few questions we would like to ask you about the Polish communication system.
You can understand our curiosity.
Oh, of course.
But, uh you must understand that I work for the Gestapo.
My orders are to report to them first.
To General Schellenberg.
Oh? You know that, too.
In any case, I'll need his approval.
Oh, I'm sure he'll give you his consent.
Thank you very much, Herr Decker.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
( groans ) ( panting ) Wha-wh-what's happening? five, six, seven.
Happy landing! Let's go.
Newkirk, Carter? Come on.
Get him on there.
Quick here! Watch that, Carter.
Okay.
Here we go, Okay? Gorblimey.
I use anesthesia all the time.
Ready? Come on.
Spread it out.
We can do that outside.
Quiet, quiet.
He's a very easy patient to handle, sir.
No trouble at all.
All right, take him down to the ambulance, and put him in the back and wait for us.
Right.
Anybody questions you, tell them you're under orders from Major Teppel.
I will do that, sir.
Right! Go on, Carter.
Maps, battle plans, a list of our agents in Europe.
The works.
This is why we got to get Decker.
Well, we got him.
Well, I can tell you now, I had a little protection set up for us.
Protection? ( horn honks ) See the car across the street? Two men changing a tire? Yeah, I see it.
He's got a rifle and a perfect shot at the front of the hotel.
So, if we didn't get Decker, they would.
They got orders not to miss the man carrying this.
I like the way you hedge your bets.
I had to be sure.
Decker must be in the ambulance.
Let's go.
This is Herr Decker's room.
It is.
Who are you? Hans Teppel, Abwehr.
You have business with Herr Decker? We're friends.
I heard he was in town You heard he was in town? Well, we try to keep up with all the latest news.
If you'll wait a minute, I'll tell Decker you're here.
I'll tell him myself.
Hans, I thought you'd gone.
I was on my way out Herr Decker? Captain Metzger, Colonel Braun's aide.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Colonel Braun is waiting in the lobby, sir, to escort you to General Schellenberg.
Very good.
Tell him I'll be down as soon as I dress.
My orders were to accompany you.
Captain, I made it all the way from England on my own.
As far as I can tell, my legs are still in working order.
Tell the Colonel I'll be down as soon as I dress.
Jawohl.
At once.
Heil Hitler.
Hans, it's good-bye again.
MORRISON: Ah, yes, I'm a hard man to get rid of.
HOGAN: Mm-hmm.
Ever seen a grown man faint? Watch.
We got trouble.
No kidding! He thinks I'm Decker.
You're going to have to go down and meet Colonel Braun.
I'll get you away from him as soon as I can.
Suppose you get tied up.
Suppose you meet a girl or something.
You got any better ideas? Yeah, I'm going to go up to the roof and fly away, and I don't need a plane.
There's no other way.
Does the general or this Kraut colonel know Decker by sight? I'm not sure.
Well, that's great.
That is great! If they know him, they arrest me in the lobby, hold a trial right there and shoot me! Or, if I'm lucky, and I get past the killers in the lobby, I walk out as Decker in his clothes with his briefcase.
Those two beauties working on the car across the street have orders not to miss.
I'm a loser either way! I know.
I'm up the creek! I don't have a boat, I don't have a paddle! I don't even have a creek! Take it easy.
I'll take care of them.
Before they take care of me? Don't worry, I'll make sure they don't fire.
Keep talking, Morrison.
My pulse may start again.
But I must get back to my headquarters, Colonel.
We will let you go as soon as we can, Major.
Be patient.
But I'm due at a meeting with Admiral Keness.
He doesn't like to be kept waiting.
I'm sure he'll understand.
Please give him my regards.
Colonel, it is Herr Decker.
Herr Decker, Colonel Braun.
A very great pleasure.
Heil Hitler.
Colonel Braun.
Uh, have we met before? You tell me.
No, I think not.
Good.
I mean, it's always good meeting new friends.
Hans, what are you doing here? Oh, they wouldn't let me out of the hotel.
( chuckles ): Security.
No one in or out.
Colonel's orders.
You didn't make contact with our friends? How could I? The Major is a very impatient man.
I just remembered I left my cigarettes upstairs.
Oh, allow me.
I-I'm expecting a very important phone call from a lovely fraulein.
General Schellenberg is waiting.
I left the tub running? No one keeps General Schellenberg waiting.
Well, good-bye.
For the last time.
Ooh, I hope not.
Uh, I'll be with you in just a moment.
Allow me.
Danke.
Uh, Herr Decker! There is Decker.
The one with the briefcase.
( gunshot ) Uh, the shot came from over there.
Hurry.
I'll get a doctor.
Jawohl.
* * All right.
Hold it.
Okay.
Easy.
NEWKIRK: Oh, they weigh a ton.
( grunts ) There we are.
Nice and cozy, eh? Yeah, a lower berth all his own.
For Pete sakes, is he going to ride in there all the way back to camp? With no change of train.
What if he wakes up? Ask him for his ticket.
( laughs ) Out! Okay, the luggage is all aboard.
Nice going, men.
You will keep us in mind for any, uh, ambulance work in the future, sir? Now, I'll turn you over to Klink, and you'll be back in Stalag 13 tonight with your luggage.
Don't think it hasn't been fun, because it hasn't.
I couldn't have swung it without you.
But if you're ever back in Berlin again Thanks.
It's a nice place to have a war, but I'd hate to live here.
Good luck, Hogan.
The ring.
I never sleep in the middle of the day.
Colonel, I made contact with the sub.
The rendezvous' in 48 hours, the usual place.
Right, Kinch.
Oh, and London says, "Well done, old chap.
" Makes it all worthwhile.
I'm not there yet, Hogan.
You will be, Decker.
You're going to travel as a prisoner with these two guards, and if you try anything, they have orders to shoot to kill.
That's the truth.
I wrote the orders meself.
LeBEAU: Hey, Colonel? Schultz is looking for you.
Klink wants you in his office.
Doesn't he know I'm busy? Carry on.
Major Teppel was kind enough to send me this transcript of the interrogation in Berlin.
Did he spell my name right? "Question to Colonel Hogan.
"What are the conditions at Stalag 13? Are you well-treated?" "Answer by Hogan.
"Colonel Klink is a very humane commandant who tries to make prison life bearable.
" Hogan, did you say that? Yes, I did, sir.
Has a nice sound to it.
How dare you undermine me in Berlin.
Why, I thought that's what you want "Humane commandant.
" "Prison life bearable.
" Are you trying to destroy my career? Do you want me to be a colonel forever? I'm sorry, sir.
You're not going to get away with that, I promise.
Look, I know you're a rat, and you know you're a rat.
Then why didn't you say so? Well, I thought it was our secret! ( gasps )