Hogan's Heroes (1965) s04e22 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) Darn it, I dropped a stitch again.
Forget it-- we've got all the socks we need.
Yeah, but I'm sending these to my kid brother back home.
You'd do a thing like that to your own brother? When you're finished with those, Carter, why don't you knit something interesting? Yeah, like a girl.
( banging ) Hey! Why don't you warn somebody before you come out? NEWKIRK: He's all good news.
Message from London, Colonel.
It's urgent.
You know, after the war, Andrew, you're going to make somebody a great little wife.
That's ridiculous-- ridiculous! What's ridiculous? London's dropped in a load of ammunition for the underground.
What's that got to do with us? They want us to bring it into camp, store it here, and then move it out to the underground units.
Well, that's ridiculous! Turn a POW camp into an ammo dump? Well, good night-- I'm going to bed.
I'm going to resign from the bloody RAF, that's what I'm going to do.
Sir, I'd like to request a transfer to the navy.
Somebody wake me in time for the next war.
( all talking at once ) Wait a minute.
Hold it.
When do we start, Colonel? We bring in the stuff tomorrow night.
How did you know the colonel was going to accept the assignment? It was easy.
I read it in his face.
Every time it's a tough one, his left eyebrow goes up.
Let his eyebrow do the job.
Yeah, good luck to it, I say.
Well, I'll tell you one thing-- we should have enlisted on the other side and we'd be a lot safer.
( dog barks ) Guten Abend, Schnitzer.
Hey, Schultzy.
How goes the war? I don't know.
I haven't heard from the Führer this week.
You're lucky.
Anybody who hears from the Führer is never heard from again.
I don't mix in politics.
I'm a soldier.
Good! I'll keep your secret.
Hey, Schultz, there's somebody I want you to meet.
I haven't got time to meet anybody.
Come over here.
( groans ) My niece Heidi.
Sergeant Hans Schultz.
Guten Abend, Sergeant.
Enchanté, mademoiselle.
French.
Schön.
SCHULTZ: Very schön.
HEIDI: I've heard so much about you.
Onkel Albert tells me you run the whole place here.
I have a little help, but not very much.
It is not easy to get good soldiers in wartime.
SCHNITZER: It's getting colder, Heidi.
Come on, let's go home.
SCHULTZ: Wait a minute, hold it, hold it.
What's the rush? I mean, we just got acquainted.
I'd be pleased you could give us a nice cup of coffee.
SCHULTZ: But it's in the orderly room, and I'm supposed to be here with the truck.
Orders, you know.
But I thought you run things here.
Yeah, I do, but but I gave the orders to myself.
Nobody can use this truck to escape in, Schultzy.
Oh, your uncle is so clever.
And so is his niece.
Klink, facts and figures don't lie, even though you may.
Me? Lie? Why is Stalag 13 the most expensive prisoner of war camp in Germany? That's a very good question, Herr General.
It costs 30% more to operate this hotel of yours than any other POW camp.
But we do have fun.
Silence! Sir, it may cost a lot more, but may I remind you-- I have never had an escape in Stalag 13.
Perhaps you should.
It might be cheaper.
I'd be willing to try.
Quiet! General I keep my expenses down to the barest minimum.
I order only those things that are absolutely necessary.
Is that so? Signed requisitions for caviar, asparagus, champagne, brandy.
How dare you sign requisitions for such things? This is your signature.
Why do you let me sign such things? I have to do everything around here by myself.
How does this happen, Klink? It's his fault.
BURKHALTER: Hogan? Yes-- he keeps demanding his rights under the Geneva Convention.
Oh, sure-- luxuries like bread and water.
He's passing the buck, General.
If it weren't for our packages from home, we'd starve.
That's a terrible exaggeration.
Yeah? We're the only POW camp that doesn't have mice.
That's another distortion of the truth.
Well, we do have one mouse, but he only sleeps here.
He eats his meals at Stalag 4.
I don't believe it.
Neither do I-- but it's not bad.
Klink! I'm warning you.
Keep your costs down, put your house in order, or the next time you want caviar, you won't have to import it-- you can catch your own on the Volga.
But you'll have to eat it there.
You can't take it home, sir.
Hogan! General, I promise you, I will bring all my skill and my intelligence to bear on this problem.
Who knows? You may be able to solve it anyway.
Cor blimey! There can't be any ammunition left in England.
The next one to light a cigarette down here gets a court-martial.
Before or after the explosion? KINCH: Colonel? London wants this ammo divided into four lots and delivered to separate locations.
They must be kidding.
Shh they're sending them now.
Oh, well, that's lovely.
Prisoners of war delivering ammunition all over Germany.
Maybe they would like to have the stuff gift-wrapped.
It can't be done, mon colonel.
We moved the ammo in, we can move it out.
To four different places? Come on, Colonel.
Tell us how to do it.
I wish you guys wouldn't ask embarrassing questions.
Excuse me.
Colonel, I think I've solved your problem.
The Cub Scouts to the rescue.
Speak.
Well, your basic problems in this case are purchasing and distribution.
Now, the Germans are overlooking a very simple principle.
Carter, what are you nattering about? The colonel told me that Klink was chewed out for mismanagement.
I've just been fooling around with a couple of ideas.
We're trying to move ammunition, and you're trying to make the war easier for the Krauts.
Well, not exactly.
What does he know about management anyway? I happen to have attended a very fine business school.
I didn't waste my time hanging around pool halls like certain people I could mention.
What do you got there? Just a few notes, sir.
Now now, the Krauts, they deal with five or six POW camps.
Now, if they could centralize their purchasing and their distribution-- like use one camp as a depot-- then they wouldn't have a problem.
But we would: you.
Which side are you on? Andrew, are you one of the good guys or one of the bad guys? Okay, just laugh at a guy who's trying to use his brains.
( all arguing at once ) HOGAN: Hold it, hold it! Carter just may be one of the good guys.
Could you write that up to make it sound important? Piece of pie.
It's "cake," Andrew-- "piece of cake.
" What's the pitch, Colonel? Well, with Carter's plan, we just might be able to get the Krauts to move the ammunition for us.
The colonel's gone over the edge.
What is this-- a cuckoo festival? Next time you radio London, tell them we need a psychiatrist.
No, I don't have an appointment, ma'am, but it's very important.
I'll see.
Come in! Excuse me, Herr Kommandant, a prisoner is asking to see you.
Don't you see that I'm up to my neck here? I am drowning in paperwork.
I cannot be bothered with the problems of every individual prisoner.
It's driving me out of my skull! Don't you understand that? ( loudly ): Carter, what are you doing here without permission? I wanted to show the commandant my plan.
HOGAN: Oh, that thing again.
I ordered you not to show it.
CARTER: Well, I think it's good! It deserves a chance.
HOGAN: I don't care what you think.
We're not in this war to help the Germans, you know.
Now, give me that plan.
CARTER: Yes, sir.
It's a good thing I got it in time.
You're not to show this to the Krauts.
Now get back to your hut.
But, Colonel, I was just trying That's an order, Sergeant! Just one moment, please.
And what is this document you're trying to keep from the Krauts? He's been eavesdropping.
That's not very nice.
Any gentleman would have coughed.
In his case, grunted.
In that case, it would not be called eavesdropping, would it? Now "reorganization "purchasing distributing procedures "central buying authority "supplies shipped to Stalag 13 reloaded for Luft Stalags in this area" And that last part is mighty important, Commandant.
This is your idea, Carter? Yes, sir.
See, I heard you were having management trouble, and, uh, I took it as a challenge.
You know, if you don't use the old brain, it gets rusty.
See, I went to business school.
And after the war, you're going to take postgraduate work in the stockade.
Hogan! Uh, now, Carter, you would like to put your ideas into practice, eh? Yes, sir.
I'm making a formal protest.
You're aiding the enemy.
That's you, Commandant.
That protest can wait till after the war.
This has definite possibilities.
You're in a lot of trouble, Carter.
But, sir Save it for your court-martial.
That's very unfair.
Go ahead-- fight among yourselves, I love it.
Fräulein Hilda, call General Burkhalter at once in Berlin.
I want an immediate appointment.
This is most important.
You wouldn't actually put that plan in operation, would you? Why not? This is one of the best ideas I've ever had.
Amazing.
You obviously worked hard on this plan, Klink.
Thank you, General Burkhalter.
I have given it many hours of intelligent thought.
That's what's so amazing.
What is your opinion, Major? Not a bad idea, but I doubt that Klink can make it work.
That's terribly unfair.
In fact, ever since we at the Gestapo discovered your mismanagement of Stalag 13, I have had the feeling that possibly you should be transferred to some other activity.
Ha! Me? Where would I go? I have a few ideas.
Let us be practical, Major.
This could save a lot of money.
Yes, it could even be used by some of the other services.
I understand they're already beginning to call it the "Klink plan.
" Oh? Who calls it the "Klink plan"? Oh, some of the gang back at the stalag.
As a matter of fact, from now on, I think it should be called the "Klink-Burkhalter plan.
" Klink! I'm already leaning in his direction.
Don't push me.
General, I'm against this idea.
It's a Luftwaffe matter, Major.
I will make the decision.
We will try it.
( smugly ): Thank you, sir.
Your decision is final? Ja! Klink.
Order supplies for the Luft Stalags in your area and have them sent to Stalag 13.
Redistribute the material to the other camps.
Understood? Understood, sir.
Oh, it's amazing how you grasp the essentials of this plan.
Absolutely brilliant.
Brilliant, sir.
Herr General, you have made the decision.
The Gestapo cannot interfere at this point.
Right.
As for you, Klink, I will be watching.
One wrong move and you will be smiling out of the other side of your monocle.
Herr General.
( clicks heels ) ( door slams ) I despise that man.
So do I.
But I rarely mention it.
He has a microphone planted in this office.
But, sir, you just agreed that you despise him, too.
Where's the microphone? At the moment you are sitting on it.
Ah, Hogan, another protest, huh? You're darn right.
It's all over camp you intend to use Carter as foreman on this new plan.
I do? Sure, because you know he understands how it should work and he's the logical man.
Well, that hadn't occurred to me, but It's against the Geneva Convention to have a prisoner of war Thank you, Colonel Hogan.
You have practically ensured the success of the "Klink plan.
" Who calls it the "Klink plan"? Some of the gang back in Berlin.
In spite of my protests, you're going to use Carter to supervise and let him pick his own men for the loading, too? Absolutely! And that's another good idea you've just given me.
Why can't I keep my big mouth shut? Ha! CARTER: Klink's orders are to ship the supplies out day after tomorrow.
Now, they go to Stalags 4, Are you sure about that? Never argue with the foreman.
Kinch, these are the locations of the four stalags.
I want you to get in touch with the underground.
Somewhere along these roads, they've got to stop those trucks and take the ammunition.
Nice little job.
Newkirk, Carter, I want you to divide up the ammo into four lots.
Mark the boxes W, X, Y and, uh Z for nitro.
Yes, sir.
All right, sir.
Kinch, radio that information to the underground, huh? Will do.
Hold it, hold it.
Let's get to the main problem.
There's more? There's always more.
We got to move that ammunition to the storage building with the other supplies.
And if the Krauts catch us, we'll move right on into the cooler.
Yeah, their next move after that is the firing squad.
How close is the nearest tunnel? Right here.
Holy cow! That comes up under the guards' barracks.
In Schultz's room.
Yeah, it could be Piccadilly Circus for all the good it's going to do us.
Wrong-- it's a break.
That's right next to the storage building.
Now, we move our boxes along through the tunnel, surface in Schultz's room, across the alley into the building.
You've come out with some harebrained schemes I think it'll work.
It's optimists like you, Carter, that cause all the trouble in the world.
What about Schultz, Colonel? He'll be sleeping in there.
If he wakes up, even he will know something's wrong.
LeBeau, I want you to feed Schultz some of your strudel tomorrow night.
That won't knock him out.
No but this will.
Beautiful, beautiful! It is so good, one shouldn't even call it strudel.
How about caviar? ( scoffs ) Caviar? No.
I think I better call it strudel.
Would you like to have a nice cup of coffee to go with it? Oh, ja-- the good, strong amerikanischer Kaffee, ja.
Jawohl.
But it won't keep me awake, will it? I think I can guarantee that.
Good.
( snoring heavily ) ( thud ) Freeze.
SCHULTZ: Guten Abend, Hogan.
Ho Hogan, what is it? What? You're having a dream dream dream.
But I see men with boxes over my bed.
It's part of the dream dream dream.
Yeah, but it looks so real.
That's the best kind.
Dream dream dream.
( sighs ) W, X and Y are all loaded, sir.
Okay, Carter.
That it? NEWKIRK: Yeah.
Okay, Z's taken care of.
You're the best foreman we ever had.
I'd like to try for a medical discharge on grounds of extreme fatigue.
Major Hochstetter-- who sent for him? Major Hochstetter, what a pleasure to see you.
I was just passing by.
If he asks questions, what do we do? It's a toss-up.
Either faint dead away or start crying.
Carter.
Everything's all loaded and ready to roll out, Commandant.
Thank you, Carter.
Schultz! Wait a minute.
Wh what do you mean, Herr Major? Wine? It's going to Stalag 11, requisitioned to the officers' mess for a birthday party.
Wine! Birthday parties in wartime! Whose birthday? The Führer's birthday.
Why didn't you say so? Sergeant Schultz! Let the trucks move out! SCHULTZ: Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Fortunately, Major Hochstetter, you are just in time to see the "Klink plan" begin operations.
Amazing, isn't it? It will be if it works.
You were not able to operate the business of this camp under the old plan; why should anyone expect you to I think, sir, you're jumping to conclusions.
Yeah, well, if this plan does not work, the Gestapo will jump on you.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
You have some very nice friends, Commandant.
That Hochstetter-- he's going to make me an old man before my time.
What did you say, Grandpa? We hit the jackpot, Colonel.
The underground got all the ammo.
( all exclaim ) We've got a play-by-play.
The first gang did it wearing German uniforms.
They even signed a receipt for the boxes marked "W.
" Clever, clever.
Now, the second group, they shot out one of the truck's tires.
The Krauts stopped to change it ( snaps fingers ) There goes the "X" shipment.
The third bunch got theirs while the driver and his pal were eating lunch.
And the last group, the "Z" boxes-- they simply blocked the road.
( all exclaim ) We owe it all to the Carter plan.
Aw, heck, it was nothing.
Yeah, that's true enough, but it turned the trick.
Let's get in touch with London, tell them "Mission accomplished.
" Right.
SCHULTZ: Colonel Hogan Somebody call for room service? Colonel Klink wants to see you and Sergeant Carter in his quarters at once.
What for? Me, Schultz? He says he has a little surprise for both of you.
You don't get a minute to yourself in this war, do you? Let's go.
How is the strudel situation tonight? Forget it.
That's only for special occasions.
That strudel is wunderbar.
After you eat it, you sleep like a little baby.
You sent for us, Commandant? Ah! Yes, come in, come in.
Oh, all the stalags report supplies received.
The plan is a success.
Oh, congratulations, sir.
Yeah, that's very gratifying, sir.
And now I think we should have a little celebration, huh? And you keep telling everybody he's a monster.
Oh, ho-ho.
On that last truck, there were a few cases of wine for the officers.
Wine? And I had Sergeant Schultz borrow one for me.
It's got a "Z" on it.
What? Yeah, a "Z.
" It was a vintage year.
Oh, yes! Well, I'll just open it.
No, no, no! We'll open it for you.
Carter, pick that up.
Oh, please don't bother.
No, you'll mess up your room, sir.
But Carter, pick it up.
Pick it up, Carter.
He's tired.
A foreman's job is not easy.
We'll-- here!-- be right back.
Settle down, will you? What will I do? Listen carefully.
Take it back to the hut.
Put a charge on it and a timer.
Set it for 60 seconds.
Then leave it out in the compound where it won't hurt anybody.
I'll stall Klink.
You get back here after you set it off.
Understood? Understood.
Boy, everything was going so well.
Move.
Boy, if Klink had opened this box Don't talk-- work.
We want it set for That's what the colonel said.
Get on with it.
You want to do this? I don't enjoy Shh.
You know, we Germans have a great talent for plans and inventions.
That's true.
You invented Hitler.
Yes, we Oh, that's very good, Hogan! It's amazing what you can do with a Tinkertoy.
( ticking ) I wonder what's taking him so long with that wine.
He's probably dusting the bottles.
Of course.
You know, Sergeant Carter is a very thoughtful man.
I hope so.
( door opens ) Colonel.
Where's the wine? Well, there was something wrong with that box.
I left it outside.
Something wrong? It was making ticking noises, funny noises.
Ticking? Nonsense.
I'll have a look at it.
( loud explosion ) ( siren sounds ) What happened? My guess would be Major Hochstetter.
The Gestapo? Right.
Couldn't stand your plan being a success.
He tried getting you another way.
That's terrible.
It's that man or me, and I've got to find a way to get at him first.
Carter? Sir.
You think you can come up with a plan for that? Piece of pie.
Uh he means "cake.
" Yes, Herr General.
Carry on with the plan.
Yes, sir.
Oh, sir, when you have time, I would like to discuss a matter with you concerning Major Hochstetter.
Forget it? Don't be an idiot? Yes, sir, I'll try.
Thank you, sir.
Heil Hitler.
He's very pleased.
I'm to continue with the plan.
Congratulations, sir.
Believe me, Hogan, this will make me general.
Before this war is over, you will see the insignia right here.
I better start thinking about a gift for you.
I'll talk to the boys.
What will it be? What, huh? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe we'll chip in with the Gestapo and buy you a case of wine.
Oh, a case of Dismissed!