Hogan's Heroes (1965) s05e11 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan reporting as ordered.
You asked to see me, Colonel? I ordered you here.
It was a command.
I told him, Herr Kommandant, it was an order.
I said, "Oh, boy, the Commandant is so mad," I said.
Schultz, shut up and get out.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Well, whatever it was, I'm here.
What's up? Hogan, I would like to remind you that this is a prison camp, and that you and your men are prisoners.
I'll accept that.
And any reflection on this camp is a reflection on me.
Yeah.
Is that all? No.
Today, when your men went into town on a work detail, they did something which I consider a personal insult.
What did they do? They were wearing armbands which said that they were prisoners here at Stalag 13.
They went into a tourist agency and asked for travel folders.
How does that make me look? Maybe they're not happy here.
Hogan! I have been too easy with you.
From now on, there will be the strictest discipline.
You and your men will toe the mark.
Gosh, all the fun and good times are out? Any breach of regulations, and it'll be the cooler.
Uh, okay.
I'll certainly tell the men that you're, um, dissatisfied with them.
No, that's not strong enough.
Tell them that I'm angry.
And when Wilhelm Klink is angry, somebody will get it in the neck.
Herr Kommandant? Schultz, I told you to get out.
I am so glad to see you, Major Hochstetter.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
This is Herr Schlager.
Oh, Herr Schlager, what a great Heil Hitler.
Of course.
Heil Hitler.
Herr Schlager is here What is he doing here? Oh, just routine camp business.
This is Colonel Hogan, Senior P.
O.
W.
Officer.
Heil.
An American.
Ugh.
You sound like you've seen a lot of them lately.
That'll be all, Hogan.
Well, don't you want to talk some more about the travel folders? Look here, Hogan, I I ( laughs ): That will be all for now, Hogan.
Please feel free to come and talk to me anytime.
I encourage my prisoners to come and discuss their problems with me.
I call that being soft.
Oh, but I never give them any sympathy.
Right, Hogan? Oh, that's right.
Most of the time, he abuses us.
There you are.
You can be very proud of the Commandant.
He's mean, vicious, rotten through and through.
Brutal, detestable, mean.
Wait a minute.
I said that.
Dismissed, Hogan! I said, dismissed.
Just trying to give you a good character, sir.
Ah, Herr Schlager, please, please, won't you sit down? Let me take your briefcase from you.
( shouts ) Oh.
I'm-I'm so sorry.
What's up, Colonel? I don't know.
But Hochstetter just brought a guy in who's got a briefcase chained to his arm.
Maybe it's his lunch.
Then the recipe must be top secret.
KLINK: You were absolutely right to come here.
Got it, Colonel.
From a security standpoint, Stalag 13 is a fortress.
And I can give you my personal assurance that you're quite safe here.
Herr Schlager does not need your protection, Klink.
The Gestapo can take care of that.
Oh, I didn't mean that the Gestapo was not capable.
Major Hochstetter, you know my admiration for your wonderful Gestapo.
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times.
Colonel Klink Yes, sir.
Let me explain, so it will be perfectly clear.
I'm all ears.
SCHLAGER: I have been entrusted with a highly important mission.
That mission has been accomplished.
The results of it are here in this briefcase.
Good, good.
Very good.
I congratulate you.
Now, nothing must happen to it.
I must get it safely to Berlin! And I have said you could not be in a safer place.
This is a prison that not only can prisoners not get out of, but they can't get into it.
May I have the phone? Oh, yes, sir, please.
Help yourself.
My prison is your prison.
Klink, please, stop making speeches.
Admit it-- you are upset because Herr Schlager feels that it's safer here than your Gestapo headquarters.
Shh.
Hello.
This is Herr Julius Schlager.
Priority Double-A.
Put me through at once to the Fuhrer's private line in Berlin.
Maybe it's the Fuhrer's lunch in that briefcase.
Sounds like big stuff.
How are we going to get a look at it, Colonel? I don't know, but it's our priority Double-A.
Hello.
Mein Fuhrer.
I have got it.
Oh, yeah, it is all we ever hoped for! Oh, but of course I understand.
I guard it with my life.
Oh, thank you, Mein Fuhrer.
The Fuhrer is sending a Luftwaffe plane here to pick me up.
And in the meantime, I repeat, nothing must happen to this briefcase! Do I make myself clear?! You know, getting that briefcase isn't going to be easy.
Well, we could get a message to the RAF.
Have them down the plane.
No, we got to see what's in that briefcase.
Maybe we could pump Klink and find out.
Klink doesn't know, and neither does Hochstetter.
No, we got to find out for ourselves.
Now, how can we do that when it's chained to his wrist? Have him unchain it.
We will; just like that? Yeah.
Newkirk, stand next to LeBeau.
Now, LeBeau, you know he's going to lift your wallet.
What would you do? Oh, that's easy.
HOGAN: That's what anyone would do.
And that's how we're going to get Schlager to unchain it from his wrist.
He'll put the briefcase in his pocket? In a manner of speaking.
Or you could say, he's going to put it in our pocket.
You don't understand, Schultz.
We're planting flowers 'cause we love beauty.
We want this to be a prison we can be proud of.
With vegetables, you can be proud and eat them, too.
NEWKIRK: Hey, Schultz! Yeah, Newkirk, what is it? NEWKIRK: I think Commandant Klink's looking for you.
He knows where I am.
I'm right here if he wants me.
What makes you think he wants to see Schultz? Oh, I heard him say, "Where is that idiot?" No.
He said, "Where is that stupid idiot?" Well, maybe he meant someone else.
No.
He wants me.
I'll be right back.
Here he comes.
Okay, let's go.
Newkirk! Yeah? The Commandant didn't want me.
Oh, it must have been some other stupid idiot.
Yeah.
Oh, it's against regulations to make insults to the guards.
You have ten more minutes for outside activities.
Then back to the barracks, you understand? Finish up, Carter.
Hey, Carter.
Oh.
SCHULTZ: Ow! Ow! Be careful! Sorry! Oh, you hurt me.
( knock at door ) Come in, come in.
KLINK: Yes, Schultz, what is it? Herr Commandant, I want to report that I found this.
Good.
If nobody claims it, you can keep it.
Now get out.
Wait a minute.
Where did you find this parachute? It was buried in the yard.
I thought it looked suspicious.
I thought I should report it.
I was only doing what I thought was right.
Herr Schlager, the enemy knows you are here and have dropped a man to get this briefcase.
That's absolutely ridiculous.
I agree with Hochstetter.
Oh, I mean it's ridiculous to think that he could get away with it.
I can assure you, Herr Schlager, that wherever he's hiding, he will be found.
If you do not, you will find yourself in a most disagreeable situation.
I don't see how you can blame me.
Where was the Luftwaffe to stop him? Where was the Gestapo? And where were you when an enemy agent dropped right in the middle of your prison camp? We can talk about this later.
Of course, Herr Schlager.
At your court-martial.
SCHLAGER: But what precautions do we take right now? HOCHSTETTER: I would say the first thing is to put the briefcase in a secure place and put a 24-hour guard on it.
Meanwhile, we will search every inch of Stalag 13 until we find the enemy agent.
I agree.
But what is a secure place? Right here in Klink's safe, with a guard posted.
Well, that takes care of the first step.
They just put it in our pocket.
Search the barracks! Hurry! Hey, they just gone into Barracks Four, sir.
They're tearing the place upside down.
I was stopped three times coming across the yard.
Is that so? I wonder what they're looking for.
It seems there's a parachute that's missing.
Oh, they're so easy to misplace.
All right, so they put the briefcase in the safe.
So, how we going to get it from the safe? We know the combination, don't we? Sure, but they've been guarding Klink's quarters every minute.
How do we get around that? Please, one miracle at a time.
Tell us what you're looking for; we might be able to help you.
You will know it when we find him, Hogan.
Oh, it's a man! Can you describe-- What'd he look like? What was he wearing? A parachute.
A parachute.
Schultz, shut up! ( LeBeau grunts ) Ah! Herr Kommandant, here he is! Here he is! I found him! Here he is! I've got him! Hey, what's the idea?! Oh, it's you! Oh, you think it would be someone else.
Oh, boy.
Anybody else in there? Come on, raus! Everybody! Hogan, if you know anything about this man that we're looking for, you better tell me now.
All I know is what I've heard here, sir.
Now, Hogan, look me straight in the eye and tell me that you're not involved.
I'm not involved.
And you know nothing about it? I know nothing about it.
Satisfied? No! Herr Kommandant I beg to report, they did not find anything.
All right.
The next barracks.
The next barracks.
Okay, let's go.
Let's go, three, four.
One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four I'll take care of you later.
I hate to say this, Colonel, but I don't see any way we're going to get our hands on that briefcase.
You're right-- the situation's hopeless.
There's no solution.
We're faced with an absolute impossibility.
In that case, sir, why don't you tell us what you've thought of? All right, here it is.
What do you mean, he is not in the camp? We have searched everywhere.
The man is not in the camp.
I bet my life on it.
But we found this parachute.
We know he was here.
Colonel Klink, do you mean that he escaped from your camp? Nobody escapes from Stalag 13.
If he's here, he'll be found.
( knocking ) Come in, come in.
Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan would like to have a word with you.
What is it, Hogan? If you don't mind.
He would like to talk to me.
I'm the commandant.
I am the Gestapo! All right, tell Major Hochstetter what you want to say.
It's about the parachutist.
Aha, I knew it! You were hiding someone.
Where is he? Go on, tell us right away, or I'll have you shot.
Major Hochstetter, you don't have to threaten Colonel Hogan.
He came here on his own free will to talk to us.
Bah! These men understand only force.
Go ahead, Hogan.
Well, it's a matter of simple logic.
I spent quite a bit of time figuring it out.
I suddenly realized I could tell you something about this man.
I never doubted it.
Go on.
Well, a man parachutes into the center of the camp.
Why at this particular time? Why not before or later? Just one thing: Herr Schlager is here.
So I figured the reason is he wants something Herr Schlager has.
How's that for logic? Hogan, go away.
Let me have him for two hours.
I'll make him talk.
It's easy to get him to talk.
The trouble is he never says anything.
Gosh, I thought you fellas would be glad to hear my theory.
We're not interested.
( knocking ) Come in.
Come in.
Not now.
Go away.
Come back later and clean.
Hogan, I'm the commandant here.
I give the orders.
Sorry, sir.
Go ahead, do the cleaning.
Go ahead, do the cleaning.
Yes, sir! HOGAN: Oh, just a minute, just one minute! I have another theory.
KLINK: Never mind, Hogan.
Dismissed.
Now, this is really an original idea.
You'll be crazy about it.
We don't want to hear it.
( with a German accent ): We interrupt this program to bring you a special broadcast.
It is forbidden to turn off your radios.
The next voice you hear will be the Fuhrer.
The Fuhrer! GERMANS: Heil! What's really unusual about this Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! ( applause over radio ) ( Hitler speaking German ) Sounds like the same speech he made last week.
Shh! Shh! Shh! ( Hitler speaking German ) ( people cheering ) We will now resume our regular program.
Heil Hitler.
GERMANS: Heil Hitler.
Ah, it always makes me feel so much better after I've heard the Fuhrer.
Hmm, you had better start worrying about what you will hear from the Fuhrer if you do not find the parachutist that landed in this camp.
Don't put the blame on me.
I'm only responsible for the prisoners.
The Gestapo sees after the spies.
( all shouting over one another ) Fellas! If you don't mind.
I can't stand family quarrels.
Well, come on, let's open it, see what's so flippin' important.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'll force the lock.
Hurry up; the suspense is killing me.
HOGAN: Hold it, hold it! Something wrong? I don't know yet.
Just as I thought.
These locks are phony.
Uh-oh.
That's bad.
Why? All it means is we're not going to have any trouble opening the ruddy thing.
All it means is that they're booby-trapped.
If you tried to force this thing open, you would've set off an explosive charge.
I don't feel too good.
The suspense isn't killing me anymore.
There is a way to open it without any danger.
How? What? I haven't the slightest idea what it is, but we'd better get it open pretty soon and find out what's inside before that Luftwaffe plane arrives for Schlager.
What we need for this job is an expert.
Yeah.
Why don't we call Information? Kinch, get on the radio to London.
Tell 'em to put their top demolition man on the speaker.
Right, Colonel.
Watch it! Take it easy.
It might be your turn to go.
You don't have to take us with you, do you? All right? This is Major Blair.
Go ahead, Mama Bear.
Got a little problem here, Major.
Describe your problem, Colonel.
It's an attaché case with a phony lock.
You've got a winner.
What's the hardware like? Outside of the lock, it, uh, has two diamond-shaped clasps.
I was afraid of that.
Lost two of my best men in Munich on that one.
I'd suggest you pass.
No dice.
We have to see what's inside.
It's important.
Tell me how to open it.
Okay.
But if I hear a loud noise, I won't bother going on.
Thanks.
All right, stand back, all of you.
That's an order.
Okay, blast away.
I mean go ahead.
The case must be in an upright position.
Roger.
Once you start working on it, any other position releases an acid vial that'll set off the charge.
Gotcha.
Move the lever under the handle to the right.
Uh-huh.
Now slide the diamond clasps at the same time to the outer edge.
Remember, exactly at the same time.
( clicks ) So far, so good.
Go ahead.
Now pull the handle straight up with an even tension.
( clicks ) Okay.
Now comes the tricky part.
There are two models: One, you turn the handle clockwise, and the other, you turn it counterclockwise.
Which one's this? There's no way of telling.
Take your choice.
But not to worry-- if you made a mistake, you'll never know it.
( sighs ) Get back, huh? That's a direct order.
( clicking ) ( clicks ) Counterclockwise? ( sighs ): Roger.
You've done it.
Good show.
Now the charge is disarmed.
There's no danger.
It was a pleasure doing business with you.
Over and out.
Oh, wow.
Oh, blimey.
CARTER: American money! Ten-dollar bills! This is what's so important? No, it was this.
The Nazis have gone in business for themselves, making American money.
It's just about perfect.
Nobody would suspect it's counterfeit.
Whoever engraved this is a genius.
That means they could flood all the neutral countries with this money.
It's like having your own key to Fort Knox.
Well, let's smash the plates.
No, the engraver'd only make another set.
Kinch Yeah.
do you have some tools with a fine edge? ( sighs ): Yeah, that's it.
Give it a try.
Paper.
( whistles ) Mm-hmm.
KINCH: Now, that's what I call a work of art.
LeBEAU: Exquisite.
Yep.
If the Nazis are passing it, I feel it's only fair they get credit for it.
I didn't know you were an artist, Colonel.
Yeah, when I was a kid, I used to practice on billboards and posters.
All right, Newkirk, clean off those plates.
Let's get the briefcase back into Klink's safe.
Newkirk, go to the kitchen, get some sandwiches and coffee and bring it to the tower guards.
Not Newkirk.
I'll send one of the others Hold it, Colonel Hogan! You don't send, I send.
Come on, let's let's go.
Listen, Newkirk, now, hold it! No back talk! ( quietly ): That's great.
That's great.
Newkirk's the only one who has the combination to the safe memorized.
There's a copy in the tunnel, Colonel.
I'll go get it.
Forget it.
No time.
Schlager's plane's here.
SCHULTZ: No monkey business with me.
When I give an order, it's an order.
When I give an order to a prisoner, it's a command, do you understand? I know, Schultz.
That's why they made you a sergeant after only 12 years in the army.
Oh, no.
"Oh, no" what? Uh, Schultz, let me tell you a story.
No, don't tell me any story.
What is this? It's a very simple story, Schultz.
SCHULTZ: What is it you saw over there? HOGAN: Nothing.
What did you see over there? What? Nothing, Schultz! Nothing! Colonel Hogan, I know exactly when you are lying.
What did you see over there? What? Uh-huh.
It was a parachutist.
Oh Which way did he go? Where? Colonel Hogan Hold it! Separate! No talking! You understand? Colonel Hogan, let's go.
This has to be reported to Commandant Klink.
All right, Schultz, but nothing's going to make me betray a fellow American.
Aha! It was an American.
You let that slip out.
Darn it.
Let's go to the commandant.
And one, two, three, four, one I would not come here and disturb you, Herr Kommandant, if it would not be a matter of greatest importance.
What I have to say-- it is so important If it's so important, get to the point.
Jawohl.
Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan and I-- we saw the parachutist.
Are you sure? Yes, Herr Kommandant, we saw him with our own eyes.
It was an American.
That man must be caught! I'd say he's gotten what he came for and is gone already.
The briefcase! Oh, it's in the safe.
Want to bet? But we were here all the time.
I'd say any man who can drop in the middle of a prison camp and keep 100 men from finding him can do most anything.
Colonel Klink, open the safe.
I want to see that briefcase with my own eyes.
KLINK: All right, all right, Herr Schlager, if it means that much to you.
HOGAN: He's blown a live grenade! Run for your lives! HOCHSTETTER: Grenade? Let me out! ( pounding on door ) ( shouting ) False alarm! False alarm! What? False alarm, Commandant.
It's safe.
KLINK: What do you mean, safe? HOGAN: Must be a dud.
That parachutist, he is an idiot.
He didn't even pull the pin.
Aw, you don't understand.
The Allies are trying to win the war without violence.
Hogan, I want you to know that I'm not through with you yet.
Why bother with me? Schlager's off to Berlin with his briefcase.
Your worries are over.
But yours aren't.
There's something very fishy about the way you've been acting.
And when I find that parachutist of yours, it'll be the cooler for everybody.
You're wasting your time looking for an American, you know.
What do you mean? This parachute.
"Made in Berlin.
" Mm-hmm, yeah, you're going to look pretty foolish when this gets out, Commandant.
Hogan, you're not to mention this to anybody.
That's an order! An order? A request? A request? A suggestion? A suggestion? Please?