Hogan's Heroes (1965) s05e13 Episode Script
Is There a Traitor in the House?
( theme song playing ) WOMAN ( over radio ): Mama Bear calling Papa Bear.
Come in, Papa Bear.
Mama Bear calling Papa Bear.
KINCH: Go ahead, Mama Bear.
WOMAN: Please stand by for an urgent message from headquarters.
Roger, Mama Bear.
Andrew, get Colonel Hogan.
Hey, what are you doing? Mama Bear, this is Papa Bear.
Come in, please.
Go ahead, Papa Bear.
Would you try and locate my girlfriend for me? Her name is Rita Nottington.
She used to live in Tottenham Court Road.
She's blonde, 36, 24, 36.
Sorry, we cannot use the air for personal messages.
Do me a favor-- you're just jealous.
WOMAN: Why should I be? I'm 38, 24, 36.
Some Mama Bear.
HOGAN: All right, what's the urgent message? Newkirk was trying to get word to a girl with a very bad figure.
A bad figure? My grandmother is 36, 24, 36.
HOGAN: What's up? Mama Bear wants us to stand by.
( airplanes approaching ) Hey, what's that? What's what? Sounds like bombers.
Yeah, must be Lancasters and Wellingtons.
A few of my old RAF mates just dropping a few calling cards on the Krauts tonight.
WOMAN ( on radio ): Mama Bear calling Papa Bear.
Come in, Papa Bear.
Go ahead, Mama Bear.
Headquarters wants information on a secret factory they think has been established in your area.
What kind of information? What kind of information is needed, Mama Bear? The type of plant, its location and its antiaircraft defenses.
Tell them we're way ahead of them; I just got this from the underground.
It's a secret ball bearing plant ten miles south of Hammelburg.
We have the information you need, Mama Bear.
( explosions ) Go ahead with the information, Papa Bear.
( louder explosions ) Newkirk, do you get the Purple Heart if you're wounded by an ally? Knock it off, Carter.
( explosion ) WOMAN: Papa Bear, this is Mama Bear.
Come in, Papa Bear.
Give her the information, Kinch, while I go find us a foxhole.
Uh, I don't think I can, Colonel.
Why not? WOMAN: Papa Bear, this is Mama Bear.
Urgent we get that information.
Repeat, urgent.
What do we do now, Colonel? We've got to figure another way to get that information to the RAF.
Why should we help them when they just declared war on us? SCHULTZ: Let's go, outside! Come on! Let's go! ( prisoners grousing ) ( Schultz shouting ) Quiet, everybody! HOGAN: Hey, Schultz What's this all about? I know nothing.
Come on, it's time to go to sleep.
Yeah, the Red Cross is going to hear about this, Schultz.
It's past my bedtime.
Klink is going to get a nasty letter from my governess.
( laughing ) Quiet! Quiet, everybody! And now a word from Colonel Klink.
In line with the Führer's policy of fair treatment for all the prisoners, we are going to provide you with a little entertainment.
It's about time.
I hope it's Eva Braun and her all- girl orchestra.
Maybe it's Rudolf Hess and his parachute act.
It could be Hermann Göring and his dancing bear.
Hermann Göring is a dancing bear.
( laughter ) Quiet! Quiet, everybody! You understand?! It's nice to see that you're all in such a good humor tonight.
I was hoping you would be receptive.
Don't keep us in suspense, Commandant.
What's the entertainment? You are going to have the pleasure of listening to a very popular radio program.
Oh, boy, I hope it's Myrt and Marge.
Schultz, turn on the speaker.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
WOMAN: This is Berlin Betty.
I have a special invitation to some of you wonderful boys at Stalag 13.
On these cold winter nights, wouldn't you love to snuggle up with me? Oh, yeah, sure.
She's not getting me up to her apartment, no matter what she says.
We could get together in front of a nice, warm fireplace with a bottle of wine, and all you'd have to do is make a little speech.
I think it's time you told your brothers-in-arms how you really feel-- that you know the war is hopeless.
You didn't tell us it was going to be a comedy show, Commandant.
If you want to be with me, just contact your P.
O.
W.
commander.
He will make arrangements for us to spend some glorious moments together.
( hooting and whistling ) Good night, Liebchen.
I wish I could tuck you in.
She makes good sense, Hogan.
Yeah, I'd certainly like her to tuck me in.
( chuckling wolfishly ) Herr Kommandant? What is it? I want to lay down my gun and surrender.
Schultz, she's talking to the prisoners! She said it was a message for the boys at Stalag 13.
We certainly consider Schultz one of the boys.
( men agreeing ) Yeah, Colonel Hogan's right, Schultz.
If you want to surrender, surrender.
Schultz.
Schultz! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Dismissed! Colonel Hogan, I think that you and your men would do very well to listen to Berlin Betty's advice.
Yeah, she is very persuasive, sir.
Oh, I'm sure she's convinced many of your comrades to come to their senses.
I just hope she isn't heard in London.
She could ruin morale over there.
For your information, Hogan, we broadcast Berlin Betty to London every night just after the cricket scores.
Dis missed! I'm sorry to hear she broadcasts to London.
The English are so easily taken in.
Tell that to Napoleon.
LeBeau may be right.
You don't believe that, Colonel.
No, but I think the Krauts might.
Is Commandant Klink in, Hilda? Oh, no, he's not-- but he should be back any minute.
We'll wait.
Sit down, Newkirk.
Schultz, could we wait in the Colonel's office? I-I don't want the others to see me here.
Oh, certainly.
Thank you.
I don't understand you, Newkirk.
Why don't you want the other prisoners to know that you want to see Commandant Klink? You're not the first one to complain about the food.
Schultz, I'm not here to complain about the food.
You're not? No.
Oh but I was counting on you.
The food has been terrible lately.
I know that.
So, why do you want to see the commandant? I want the commandant to arrange an appointment for me and Berlin Betty.
Berlin Betty! Shh.
You want to see Berlin Betty? Yeah.
Last night when I heard her talk, she made a lot of sense.
( sighs ) I would lay down my gun for her anytime.
Newkirk, you know better than to come to my office to make a complaint.
Send it through Colonel Hogan.
Dismissed! Excuse me, Herr Kommandant, but Newkirk does not want to complain.
He wants to make an appointment with Berlin Betty.
What? You want an appointment with Berlin Betty? Oh, what did you go and tell him for, Schultz? I wanted to surprise him.
Oh, Newkirk Congratulations! You made a wise decision.
Thank you, sir.
Frankly, I knew it would be an Englishman, not a Frenchman or an American.
Fortunately, you come from a country that has no pride.
There was just one thing, sir.
I would like this to remain our little secret.
I know nothing.
Your secret is safe with me.
Fräulein Hilda, get me Herr Goebbels in Berlin.
Goebbels? Oh, yes, I want to tell the good news to the propaganda minister personally.
Uh, sir, just a minute.
I don't want any fuss made.
I don't want any medals or anything like that.
I'm offering to do this to save the lives of my countrymen.
Did you hear that, Schultz? There's a man with heart.
Herr Kommandant,I made the same offer last night.
( groans ) Hello? Ja, Herr Goebbels? This is Colonel Klink speaking, of Stalag 13.
No, no no, sir, not "Klunk," "Klink.
" We'll be the judge of that.
What I called about, Herr Goebbels,was that Don't forget to tell Goebbels about the bad stew and the moldy bread, sir.
Bad stew? Oh.
Hello? Operator? We must have been disconnected.
You're calling Goebbels about the food? I thought Göring was the gourmet.
That's very funny, Hogan.
What are you doing here? Oh, I had to come here, sir, and complain about the food.
Oh, he's right.
If the Luftwaffe had dropped last night's stew on England, they'd be in violation of the Geneva Convention.
I'm doing the best I can.
You heard me complain toHerr Goebbels.
There better be some changes around here, I warn you, or I'm going to organize a hunger strike.
I thought we were on one.
That's enough complaining.
Dis missed.
Aren't you coming, Newkirk? Oh, yes, sir, of course, of course.
( mouthing silently ) Fräulein Hilda,get me Herr Goebbelsagain.
When I deliver Newkirk to Berlin Betty, I will get that promotion I so richly deserve.
HOGAN: Now, this is going to be tricky.
We know that London monitors Berlin Betty's broadcasts every night.
We also have another advantage.
HOGAN: What's that? Well, they're bound to be suspicious when they hear me making a broadcast for the Jerrys.
Why would that make them suspicious? Because they know an Englishman wouldn't crack.
Maybe a Yank or a Frenchman.
Do we have to stand here and listen to this, Colonel? We don't have to take that.
All right, cut it out.
We've got more important things to discuss.
Newkirk, you're going to use the new emergency code.
Once you use the words "Mama Bear" and "Papa Bear," headquarters will know it's us.
Now, the key words you've got to work into the code are ( banging ) HOGAN: Carter.
The keywords are "ball bearing plant," "ten miles south of Hammelburg" and "25 antiaircraft gun emplacements.
" Here come Klink and Schultz.
All right, everybody knows their job.
All right, fellas, let's go.
Let me alone, I'll kill that traitor! Who are you calling a traitor?! Take it easy! Calm down! All right, hold it, hold it.
You call yourself a man?! SCHULTZ: Quiet! Quiet, everybody! Quiet, the commandant is here! What is going on here? It's really nothing, Commandant.
They're just having a friendly little argument.
Why don't you tell him the truth? That Newkirk is going to broadcast for Berlin Betty! It's just a rumor.
No, it isn't! I heard it from one of the guards! Why do you look at me? I didn't tell anybody that Newkirk volunteered to broadcast for Berlin Betty.
Big mouth.
All right, so now you know: I'm going to make a broadcast.
Newkirk! Hogan, that is absolutely correct.
All right, sir, how'd you do it-- the old rubber hose or the Chinese water torture? Nothing; he just came to his senses.
He's right, Colonel Hogan, I volunteered.
Oh, Newkirk, I've got some good news for you.
Berlin Betty is coming here to Stalag 13 and you will make your speech to London directly from my office.
He won't be able to talk with a split lip! Why, you little ( Schultz and Klink yelling ) HOGAN: Break it up! Break it up! My monocle, my monocle! ( glass smashing ) All right, break it up! Break it up-- come on! Quiet! Quiet! You all know the penalty for fighting! It's the cooler.
Newkirk, you come with me.
The cooler is what he deserves! You go to the cooler.
He comes to my guest room.
How were things in the cooler? A lot warmer.
Anyone want to start another fight so I can get back in? I'd like to start a fight just to keep warm.
What's happening to Newkirk? Klink's giving him the VIP treatment.
Even took him to town for dinner last night.
And he didn't even bring back a doggie bag.
Wouldn't you know that he would get the easy assignment? Not so easy: He's got to think about the firing squad and remember the code at the same time.
And keep the Germans thinking he's a traitor.
Well, that's a lot easier than going out and blowing up a bridge like I did last week.
And how about me? I have to go into town in broad daylight and get that information from the underground.
Well, what's dangerous about that? You were wearing a lady's dress.
For your information, I got stopped by a Gestapo agent.
You didn't tell us that.
Fortunately, all he wanted was a date.
With you? Actually, in high heels my legs look lovely.
That must be Berlin Betty.
( Kinch whistles ) KINCH: Her legs look almost as pretty as yours, LeBeau.
I think this mission's too dangerous for Newkirk, Colonel.
I volunteer to be traitor.
No, no, Andrew, you've been taking too many chances lately.
I think I ought to make this one.
Oh, no, it should be me.
The most dangerous thing I've done lately is dance with a Gestapo man in a beer garden.
All right, all right, hold it.
I'm the one that blew it.
That's right; you send a boy to do a man's job.
She'll be here any minute now.
Is that all right? It's marvelous.
I have a fresh box in my room.
No, this is fine, thank you.
Oh, maybe, uh Oh, yes, yes, of course.
( chuckles softly ) Colonel Klink, Berlin Betty.
BETTY: Colonel Klink? Yes, I am.
You must be Corporal Newkirk.
Colonel I believe you are on fire.
I know I am.
You're right.
Fire! Fire! Fire! Don't worry, sir.
Don't worry.
Fire! There, that ought to do it, sir.
( sourly ): Thank you so much.
BETTY: Corporal Newkirk Dr.
Goebbels is most grateful for your contribution to the Third Reich and, of course, to your own country.
You will be amply rewarded.
Thank you,Fräulein.
"Betty"? Thank you, Betty.
I've already written me speech.
Would you like to take a look at it? Yes, I I believe that will be most effective, but, uh, perhaps we should discuss this privately, hmm? Um, I thought perhaps you might be able to use me on your broadcast.
I'm told I have a fantastic voice.
Really? Oh, yes-- in the Luftwaffe, I was always chosen to broadcast from the tower because of my resonance, my projection and my incredible diction.
How interesting.
( clearing throat ) Stuttgart Airfield calling Messerschmitt 2-7-1.
I haven't heard a voice like that since Eric von Stroheim.
Now, would you mind, Colonel? I would like to discuss the Corporal's speech with him.
Uh, may we use your quarters? Why, of course; everything is ready.
Schultz! There It must have taken great courage to volunteer for the broadcast.
Well, now, I know Germany's going to win the war, and you were very persuasive, love.
Well, I'm very happy that you were the one who was persuaded.
My compliments to the German Propaganda Ministry.
They certainly knew what they were doing when they picked you.
You're very kind, but I had no choice.
What are you looking for? Hidden microphones.
What did you mean when you said you had no choice? The Nazis are holding my family as hostages.
I imagine that you must think of me as a traitor.
No.
I think of you as a very young, charming, attractive man who doesn't want to see his countrymen killed.
That is a patriot.
I like that description.
"Patriot"? "Attractive and charming.
" I believe one should say what one feels.
And I believe one should do what one feels.
He kissed her.
He's kissing her again.
You know, he could be arrested as a Peeping Tom.
In a P.
O.
W.
camp? How do you like that? He pulled down the shade.
Now we'll never know.
Uh, Colonel how will we know if headquarters understands Newkirk's coded message? Simple.
The broadcast is tonight, and by tomorrow morning we should hear the sweet sound of a ball bearing plant being blown up.
We've got to figure a way to get the parts to fix that radio.
All right, just going to have to send somebody out to make contact with the underground.
I volunteer, Colonel.
Me, too.
I don't want anybody out during a possible air raid.
Newkirk, what are you doing here? Colonel, I have to talk to you.
Somebody could have spotted you.
That was a crazy thing to do.
Only an Englishman would leave a beautiful girl at a time like this.
That's what I want to talk to you about, sir.
I know-- you asked for her hand in marriage and you want one of us to be the best man.
All right, hold it, hold it.
What are you talking about? Well, sir, she's not your average Nazi.
That's for sure.
I liked her legs a lot better than Hermann Göring's.
She doesn't want to do those propaganda broadcasts.
She has to.
The Gestapo are holding her family hostage.
And you've fallen for her.
Yes, sir and that's why I'm not going through with the broadcast.
Not going through with the broadcast? Why?! If the Gestapo suspect I gave out a coded message, they might guess that she set it up-- and you know what that'd mean, don't you? Newkirk, we got to get that message through to headquarters.
A lot of people are depending on you.
A lot of English people.
LeBeau, you know how I feel.
Nobody knows more about love than a Frenchman.
I knew you'd understand.
But the one thing a Frenchman loves more than a beautiful woman is La Belle France.
Newkirk the decision is yours.
Do you think he'll go through with it? I don't know.
I'll bet anybody here ten dollars he'll send the message.
I think that's a good bet.
With her legs? It's almost time.
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
Everything will be fine.
Don't worry, my love.
Can't hear anything.
Must be a bad connection.
NEWKIRK: Oh, I haven't been kissed like that in a long time.
I think we're in trouble.
BETTY: We're ready.
This is Berlin Betty.
Tonight I am pleased to have as my guest one of your own countrymen who has realized the futility of continuing to resist the Fatherland.
I hope you'll take this message to heart so that we can all once again live in peace.
And now, here is Corporal Peter Newkirk of the Royal Air Force.
( clears throat ) Tonight, I would like to ask each of my comrades to lay down his gun and surrender.
I think I can best illustrate my reasons for asking this by reminding you of a story I learned when I was a wee bit of a lad in London.
It's the story of Mama Bear and Papa Bear.
And I say that to believe we can win this war is as much a fairy tale as The Three Bears.
BETTY: Thank you, Corporal Newkirk.
And I hope your countrymen are as wise and as patriotic as you are.
And now, good night from Berlin Betty.
That was very good, Newkirk.
Oh, I don't think I could be as convincing as you if me heart wasn't in it.
My heart is in it.
But I thought they were holding your family.
I have no family.
That is our way of testing.
I must be quite sure that the prisoner is sincere.
And the kiss? That was from the Führer.
Well, anyway, I'm glad they sent you.
Why? I'd hate to kiss a man with a mustache.
Yeah, I knew he'd come through.
Yeah, so did I.
Frankly, I thought it was touch and go.
Frankly, I wouldn't have done it.
But you said a Frenchman loves his country more than a beautiful woman.
Are you crazy? You can always find another country, but you can't always find a beautiful woman.
You sent for me, Colonel? Yes, Colonel Hogan.
I would like you to be the first one to see this citation given to me by the propaganda minister.
I beg your pardon, Herr Kommandant, I was the first.
So, you were the first.
Take this to the quartermaster and have it framed.
Dismissed.
I was the first.
Dismissed! Hogan, this citation was given to me for delivering Newkirk to Berlin Betty.
I think you would be smart to also make a broadcast to your countrymen.
It is only a question of time before your comrades are defeated and victory comes to the glorious Third Reich! ( series of explosions ) What was that you were saying about the glorious Third Reich, sir? Herr Kommandant! Herr Kommandant! The bombers almost blew us up! Look it's terrible.
It was flying all over the camp.
What are these? Well, either there's been a direct hit on a pair of roller skates or the glorious Third Reich is missing a secret ball bearing plant.
Herr Kommandantdo you still want to frame this?
Come in, Papa Bear.
Mama Bear calling Papa Bear.
KINCH: Go ahead, Mama Bear.
WOMAN: Please stand by for an urgent message from headquarters.
Roger, Mama Bear.
Andrew, get Colonel Hogan.
Hey, what are you doing? Mama Bear, this is Papa Bear.
Come in, please.
Go ahead, Papa Bear.
Would you try and locate my girlfriend for me? Her name is Rita Nottington.
She used to live in Tottenham Court Road.
She's blonde, 36, 24, 36.
Sorry, we cannot use the air for personal messages.
Do me a favor-- you're just jealous.
WOMAN: Why should I be? I'm 38, 24, 36.
Some Mama Bear.
HOGAN: All right, what's the urgent message? Newkirk was trying to get word to a girl with a very bad figure.
A bad figure? My grandmother is 36, 24, 36.
HOGAN: What's up? Mama Bear wants us to stand by.
( airplanes approaching ) Hey, what's that? What's what? Sounds like bombers.
Yeah, must be Lancasters and Wellingtons.
A few of my old RAF mates just dropping a few calling cards on the Krauts tonight.
WOMAN ( on radio ): Mama Bear calling Papa Bear.
Come in, Papa Bear.
Go ahead, Mama Bear.
Headquarters wants information on a secret factory they think has been established in your area.
What kind of information? What kind of information is needed, Mama Bear? The type of plant, its location and its antiaircraft defenses.
Tell them we're way ahead of them; I just got this from the underground.
It's a secret ball bearing plant ten miles south of Hammelburg.
We have the information you need, Mama Bear.
( explosions ) Go ahead with the information, Papa Bear.
( louder explosions ) Newkirk, do you get the Purple Heart if you're wounded by an ally? Knock it off, Carter.
( explosion ) WOMAN: Papa Bear, this is Mama Bear.
Come in, Papa Bear.
Give her the information, Kinch, while I go find us a foxhole.
Uh, I don't think I can, Colonel.
Why not? WOMAN: Papa Bear, this is Mama Bear.
Urgent we get that information.
Repeat, urgent.
What do we do now, Colonel? We've got to figure another way to get that information to the RAF.
Why should we help them when they just declared war on us? SCHULTZ: Let's go, outside! Come on! Let's go! ( prisoners grousing ) ( Schultz shouting ) Quiet, everybody! HOGAN: Hey, Schultz What's this all about? I know nothing.
Come on, it's time to go to sleep.
Yeah, the Red Cross is going to hear about this, Schultz.
It's past my bedtime.
Klink is going to get a nasty letter from my governess.
( laughing ) Quiet! Quiet, everybody! And now a word from Colonel Klink.
In line with the Führer's policy of fair treatment for all the prisoners, we are going to provide you with a little entertainment.
It's about time.
I hope it's Eva Braun and her all- girl orchestra.
Maybe it's Rudolf Hess and his parachute act.
It could be Hermann Göring and his dancing bear.
Hermann Göring is a dancing bear.
( laughter ) Quiet! Quiet, everybody! You understand?! It's nice to see that you're all in such a good humor tonight.
I was hoping you would be receptive.
Don't keep us in suspense, Commandant.
What's the entertainment? You are going to have the pleasure of listening to a very popular radio program.
Oh, boy, I hope it's Myrt and Marge.
Schultz, turn on the speaker.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
WOMAN: This is Berlin Betty.
I have a special invitation to some of you wonderful boys at Stalag 13.
On these cold winter nights, wouldn't you love to snuggle up with me? Oh, yeah, sure.
She's not getting me up to her apartment, no matter what she says.
We could get together in front of a nice, warm fireplace with a bottle of wine, and all you'd have to do is make a little speech.
I think it's time you told your brothers-in-arms how you really feel-- that you know the war is hopeless.
You didn't tell us it was going to be a comedy show, Commandant.
If you want to be with me, just contact your P.
O.
W.
commander.
He will make arrangements for us to spend some glorious moments together.
( hooting and whistling ) Good night, Liebchen.
I wish I could tuck you in.
She makes good sense, Hogan.
Yeah, I'd certainly like her to tuck me in.
( chuckling wolfishly ) Herr Kommandant? What is it? I want to lay down my gun and surrender.
Schultz, she's talking to the prisoners! She said it was a message for the boys at Stalag 13.
We certainly consider Schultz one of the boys.
( men agreeing ) Yeah, Colonel Hogan's right, Schultz.
If you want to surrender, surrender.
Schultz.
Schultz! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Dismissed! Colonel Hogan, I think that you and your men would do very well to listen to Berlin Betty's advice.
Yeah, she is very persuasive, sir.
Oh, I'm sure she's convinced many of your comrades to come to their senses.
I just hope she isn't heard in London.
She could ruin morale over there.
For your information, Hogan, we broadcast Berlin Betty to London every night just after the cricket scores.
Dis missed! I'm sorry to hear she broadcasts to London.
The English are so easily taken in.
Tell that to Napoleon.
LeBeau may be right.
You don't believe that, Colonel.
No, but I think the Krauts might.
Is Commandant Klink in, Hilda? Oh, no, he's not-- but he should be back any minute.
We'll wait.
Sit down, Newkirk.
Schultz, could we wait in the Colonel's office? I-I don't want the others to see me here.
Oh, certainly.
Thank you.
I don't understand you, Newkirk.
Why don't you want the other prisoners to know that you want to see Commandant Klink? You're not the first one to complain about the food.
Schultz, I'm not here to complain about the food.
You're not? No.
Oh but I was counting on you.
The food has been terrible lately.
I know that.
So, why do you want to see the commandant? I want the commandant to arrange an appointment for me and Berlin Betty.
Berlin Betty! Shh.
You want to see Berlin Betty? Yeah.
Last night when I heard her talk, she made a lot of sense.
( sighs ) I would lay down my gun for her anytime.
Newkirk, you know better than to come to my office to make a complaint.
Send it through Colonel Hogan.
Dismissed! Excuse me, Herr Kommandant, but Newkirk does not want to complain.
He wants to make an appointment with Berlin Betty.
What? You want an appointment with Berlin Betty? Oh, what did you go and tell him for, Schultz? I wanted to surprise him.
Oh, Newkirk Congratulations! You made a wise decision.
Thank you, sir.
Frankly, I knew it would be an Englishman, not a Frenchman or an American.
Fortunately, you come from a country that has no pride.
There was just one thing, sir.
I would like this to remain our little secret.
I know nothing.
Your secret is safe with me.
Fräulein Hilda, get me Herr Goebbels in Berlin.
Goebbels? Oh, yes, I want to tell the good news to the propaganda minister personally.
Uh, sir, just a minute.
I don't want any fuss made.
I don't want any medals or anything like that.
I'm offering to do this to save the lives of my countrymen.
Did you hear that, Schultz? There's a man with heart.
Herr Kommandant,I made the same offer last night.
( groans ) Hello? Ja, Herr Goebbels? This is Colonel Klink speaking, of Stalag 13.
No, no no, sir, not "Klunk," "Klink.
" We'll be the judge of that.
What I called about, Herr Goebbels,was that Don't forget to tell Goebbels about the bad stew and the moldy bread, sir.
Bad stew? Oh.
Hello? Operator? We must have been disconnected.
You're calling Goebbels about the food? I thought Göring was the gourmet.
That's very funny, Hogan.
What are you doing here? Oh, I had to come here, sir, and complain about the food.
Oh, he's right.
If the Luftwaffe had dropped last night's stew on England, they'd be in violation of the Geneva Convention.
I'm doing the best I can.
You heard me complain toHerr Goebbels.
There better be some changes around here, I warn you, or I'm going to organize a hunger strike.
I thought we were on one.
That's enough complaining.
Dis missed.
Aren't you coming, Newkirk? Oh, yes, sir, of course, of course.
( mouthing silently ) Fräulein Hilda,get me Herr Goebbelsagain.
When I deliver Newkirk to Berlin Betty, I will get that promotion I so richly deserve.
HOGAN: Now, this is going to be tricky.
We know that London monitors Berlin Betty's broadcasts every night.
We also have another advantage.
HOGAN: What's that? Well, they're bound to be suspicious when they hear me making a broadcast for the Jerrys.
Why would that make them suspicious? Because they know an Englishman wouldn't crack.
Maybe a Yank or a Frenchman.
Do we have to stand here and listen to this, Colonel? We don't have to take that.
All right, cut it out.
We've got more important things to discuss.
Newkirk, you're going to use the new emergency code.
Once you use the words "Mama Bear" and "Papa Bear," headquarters will know it's us.
Now, the key words you've got to work into the code are ( banging ) HOGAN: Carter.
The keywords are "ball bearing plant," "ten miles south of Hammelburg" and "25 antiaircraft gun emplacements.
" Here come Klink and Schultz.
All right, everybody knows their job.
All right, fellas, let's go.
Let me alone, I'll kill that traitor! Who are you calling a traitor?! Take it easy! Calm down! All right, hold it, hold it.
You call yourself a man?! SCHULTZ: Quiet! Quiet, everybody! Quiet, the commandant is here! What is going on here? It's really nothing, Commandant.
They're just having a friendly little argument.
Why don't you tell him the truth? That Newkirk is going to broadcast for Berlin Betty! It's just a rumor.
No, it isn't! I heard it from one of the guards! Why do you look at me? I didn't tell anybody that Newkirk volunteered to broadcast for Berlin Betty.
Big mouth.
All right, so now you know: I'm going to make a broadcast.
Newkirk! Hogan, that is absolutely correct.
All right, sir, how'd you do it-- the old rubber hose or the Chinese water torture? Nothing; he just came to his senses.
He's right, Colonel Hogan, I volunteered.
Oh, Newkirk, I've got some good news for you.
Berlin Betty is coming here to Stalag 13 and you will make your speech to London directly from my office.
He won't be able to talk with a split lip! Why, you little ( Schultz and Klink yelling ) HOGAN: Break it up! Break it up! My monocle, my monocle! ( glass smashing ) All right, break it up! Break it up-- come on! Quiet! Quiet! You all know the penalty for fighting! It's the cooler.
Newkirk, you come with me.
The cooler is what he deserves! You go to the cooler.
He comes to my guest room.
How were things in the cooler? A lot warmer.
Anyone want to start another fight so I can get back in? I'd like to start a fight just to keep warm.
What's happening to Newkirk? Klink's giving him the VIP treatment.
Even took him to town for dinner last night.
And he didn't even bring back a doggie bag.
Wouldn't you know that he would get the easy assignment? Not so easy: He's got to think about the firing squad and remember the code at the same time.
And keep the Germans thinking he's a traitor.
Well, that's a lot easier than going out and blowing up a bridge like I did last week.
And how about me? I have to go into town in broad daylight and get that information from the underground.
Well, what's dangerous about that? You were wearing a lady's dress.
For your information, I got stopped by a Gestapo agent.
You didn't tell us that.
Fortunately, all he wanted was a date.
With you? Actually, in high heels my legs look lovely.
That must be Berlin Betty.
( Kinch whistles ) KINCH: Her legs look almost as pretty as yours, LeBeau.
I think this mission's too dangerous for Newkirk, Colonel.
I volunteer to be traitor.
No, no, Andrew, you've been taking too many chances lately.
I think I ought to make this one.
Oh, no, it should be me.
The most dangerous thing I've done lately is dance with a Gestapo man in a beer garden.
All right, all right, hold it.
I'm the one that blew it.
That's right; you send a boy to do a man's job.
She'll be here any minute now.
Is that all right? It's marvelous.
I have a fresh box in my room.
No, this is fine, thank you.
Oh, maybe, uh Oh, yes, yes, of course.
( chuckles softly ) Colonel Klink, Berlin Betty.
BETTY: Colonel Klink? Yes, I am.
You must be Corporal Newkirk.
Colonel I believe you are on fire.
I know I am.
You're right.
Fire! Fire! Fire! Don't worry, sir.
Don't worry.
Fire! There, that ought to do it, sir.
( sourly ): Thank you so much.
BETTY: Corporal Newkirk Dr.
Goebbels is most grateful for your contribution to the Third Reich and, of course, to your own country.
You will be amply rewarded.
Thank you,Fräulein.
"Betty"? Thank you, Betty.
I've already written me speech.
Would you like to take a look at it? Yes, I I believe that will be most effective, but, uh, perhaps we should discuss this privately, hmm? Um, I thought perhaps you might be able to use me on your broadcast.
I'm told I have a fantastic voice.
Really? Oh, yes-- in the Luftwaffe, I was always chosen to broadcast from the tower because of my resonance, my projection and my incredible diction.
How interesting.
( clearing throat ) Stuttgart Airfield calling Messerschmitt 2-7-1.
I haven't heard a voice like that since Eric von Stroheim.
Now, would you mind, Colonel? I would like to discuss the Corporal's speech with him.
Uh, may we use your quarters? Why, of course; everything is ready.
Schultz! There It must have taken great courage to volunteer for the broadcast.
Well, now, I know Germany's going to win the war, and you were very persuasive, love.
Well, I'm very happy that you were the one who was persuaded.
My compliments to the German Propaganda Ministry.
They certainly knew what they were doing when they picked you.
You're very kind, but I had no choice.
What are you looking for? Hidden microphones.
What did you mean when you said you had no choice? The Nazis are holding my family as hostages.
I imagine that you must think of me as a traitor.
No.
I think of you as a very young, charming, attractive man who doesn't want to see his countrymen killed.
That is a patriot.
I like that description.
"Patriot"? "Attractive and charming.
" I believe one should say what one feels.
And I believe one should do what one feels.
He kissed her.
He's kissing her again.
You know, he could be arrested as a Peeping Tom.
In a P.
O.
W.
camp? How do you like that? He pulled down the shade.
Now we'll never know.
Uh, Colonel how will we know if headquarters understands Newkirk's coded message? Simple.
The broadcast is tonight, and by tomorrow morning we should hear the sweet sound of a ball bearing plant being blown up.
We've got to figure a way to get the parts to fix that radio.
All right, just going to have to send somebody out to make contact with the underground.
I volunteer, Colonel.
Me, too.
I don't want anybody out during a possible air raid.
Newkirk, what are you doing here? Colonel, I have to talk to you.
Somebody could have spotted you.
That was a crazy thing to do.
Only an Englishman would leave a beautiful girl at a time like this.
That's what I want to talk to you about, sir.
I know-- you asked for her hand in marriage and you want one of us to be the best man.
All right, hold it, hold it.
What are you talking about? Well, sir, she's not your average Nazi.
That's for sure.
I liked her legs a lot better than Hermann Göring's.
She doesn't want to do those propaganda broadcasts.
She has to.
The Gestapo are holding her family hostage.
And you've fallen for her.
Yes, sir and that's why I'm not going through with the broadcast.
Not going through with the broadcast? Why?! If the Gestapo suspect I gave out a coded message, they might guess that she set it up-- and you know what that'd mean, don't you? Newkirk, we got to get that message through to headquarters.
A lot of people are depending on you.
A lot of English people.
LeBeau, you know how I feel.
Nobody knows more about love than a Frenchman.
I knew you'd understand.
But the one thing a Frenchman loves more than a beautiful woman is La Belle France.
Newkirk the decision is yours.
Do you think he'll go through with it? I don't know.
I'll bet anybody here ten dollars he'll send the message.
I think that's a good bet.
With her legs? It's almost time.
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
Everything will be fine.
Don't worry, my love.
Can't hear anything.
Must be a bad connection.
NEWKIRK: Oh, I haven't been kissed like that in a long time.
I think we're in trouble.
BETTY: We're ready.
This is Berlin Betty.
Tonight I am pleased to have as my guest one of your own countrymen who has realized the futility of continuing to resist the Fatherland.
I hope you'll take this message to heart so that we can all once again live in peace.
And now, here is Corporal Peter Newkirk of the Royal Air Force.
( clears throat ) Tonight, I would like to ask each of my comrades to lay down his gun and surrender.
I think I can best illustrate my reasons for asking this by reminding you of a story I learned when I was a wee bit of a lad in London.
It's the story of Mama Bear and Papa Bear.
And I say that to believe we can win this war is as much a fairy tale as The Three Bears.
BETTY: Thank you, Corporal Newkirk.
And I hope your countrymen are as wise and as patriotic as you are.
And now, good night from Berlin Betty.
That was very good, Newkirk.
Oh, I don't think I could be as convincing as you if me heart wasn't in it.
My heart is in it.
But I thought they were holding your family.
I have no family.
That is our way of testing.
I must be quite sure that the prisoner is sincere.
And the kiss? That was from the Führer.
Well, anyway, I'm glad they sent you.
Why? I'd hate to kiss a man with a mustache.
Yeah, I knew he'd come through.
Yeah, so did I.
Frankly, I thought it was touch and go.
Frankly, I wouldn't have done it.
But you said a Frenchman loves his country more than a beautiful woman.
Are you crazy? You can always find another country, but you can't always find a beautiful woman.
You sent for me, Colonel? Yes, Colonel Hogan.
I would like you to be the first one to see this citation given to me by the propaganda minister.
I beg your pardon, Herr Kommandant, I was the first.
So, you were the first.
Take this to the quartermaster and have it framed.
Dismissed.
I was the first.
Dismissed! Hogan, this citation was given to me for delivering Newkirk to Berlin Betty.
I think you would be smart to also make a broadcast to your countrymen.
It is only a question of time before your comrades are defeated and victory comes to the glorious Third Reich! ( series of explosions ) What was that you were saying about the glorious Third Reich, sir? Herr Kommandant! Herr Kommandant! The bombers almost blew us up! Look it's terrible.
It was flying all over the camp.
What are these? Well, either there's been a direct hit on a pair of roller skates or the glorious Third Reich is missing a secret ball bearing plant.
Herr Kommandantdo you still want to frame this?